Good writing ... almost error-free. The line "Sitting between the identical pine trees in the forest, Arthur sat shaken, knowing he'd be caught soon enough." might better be written "Sitting between the identical pine trees in the forest, Arthur was shaken, knowing he'd be caught soon enough. Also "forbade" should be "forbidden." I can see why this piece received an awardicon. Thanks for sharing. grdixon.
You have been blessed with so many accolades here on WDC that I felt I should, first and foremost, learn a little about you. I congratulate you on being so widely published. And I feel very comfortable writing to you, as I am part native American. In fact, after reading about your general philosophy of life, it occurs to me that you might enjoy "Old Indian Prayer" in my portfolio. I look forward to reading more of your material in the near future. Best regards, George (grdixon).
I think this poem has possibilities. I stumbled over the mixing of singular and plural, as in "as a soldier takes
their last stand"
That is, did you mean "as a soldier takes his last stand"?
Aside from these minor problems, I enjoyed the sentiments expressed in the poem. Thanks for sharing. George (grdixon).
Not bad for a first attempt at writing a sonnet. Clearly written by a thoughtful soul. As I understand it, however, a real sonnet is more rigorous in form: rhyming according to a pre-specified scheme, 5-foot iambics, etc. Write on! I'll check back in now and then. George (grdixon).
Very interesting. Quite a few errors, most of which would be caught by a careful proof reading. For example,
"choice find a time" should be written "choice to find a time"
"entire planet, given" should better read "entire planet. Given"
"but at what cost." should read "but at what cost?"
"price we've have paid" should read "price we've paid"
"dosed off" should read "dozed off"
"next thing I new" should read "next thing ai knew"
etc.
All in all, an interesting concept that I enjoyed pondering. grdixon.
I couldn't find the word "juggalo" in my dictionary. Could you have meant "gigolo?" Overall, my impression is that your writing needs polishing, but your thoughts are interesting. "don,t call your enemy's liars" should read "don't call your enemies liars", etc. Thanks for sharing this with us. grdixon.
An interesting fragment, which shows promise for inclusion into a greater whole. I feel that, regarding writing style, the piece would benefit by including more paragraph breaks. Also, be careful of punctuation. The first sentence should have a semicolon instead of a comma. Or, it could be written as "The freeway ramp collapsed, the cars in front falling headlong to the buildings below."
A few other nits:
"screech tires" should probably read "screech of tires"
"car had broke" should read "car had broken"
The past tense of "lead" is "led".
All in all, I enjoyed reading it and wanted to know more about Jordan and his blessed life.
grdixon.
Ten questions that everyone should ask and attempt to answer. According to my dictionary, the past tense of "lead" is "led". Thanks for sharing. I was moved.
Welcome to WDC! I enjoyed this little poem. In the 2nd stanza, you might have meant to write "or is it ..." rather than "or it is ..." Keep at it! grdixon.
I can't thiink of any way to improve on this song of praise. It is Psalm-like and would read well in church services. I'm not familiar with the name, Abba (aside from its being the name of a Swedish singing group from bygone days). Thanks for sharing.
Terrific story! "cowardice" should probably read "cowardly". And I felt that "A fight we would not leave without." would better read, "We would not leave without a fight." On the whole, the piece is well written and held my interest throughout. Keep practicing! Good work. George Dixon (grdixon).
Humorous in an edgy sort of way. Very well written. "... for a few seconds then ..." should probably read "... for a few seconds. Then ..." And "I did best to make ..." should probably read "I did my best to make ..." All told it was a bit long for WDC, but I can't think of any way it could be shortened without losing the hapless nature of the piece. Good job! George Dixon (grdixon).
I feel your pain. I lost a job many years ago. But, in due course I was able to find another. For what it's worth, your own experience is one that's being shared by many today, through no fault of their own. Although it may offer small solace, know that things will get better. I promise.
Very stirring. An interesting increase and decrease in the number of syllables per line. A cautionary tale for America, in its quest to police the world (but, heaven forbid, to rule it). The weakness and dysfunctionality of our present leaders is scary. Nature abhors a vacuum.
Noble thoughts. There are a few places where the rhythm doesn't quite work, and where a small alteration might fix things. For example, "The cause is just and the reason clear for those who serve and bleed," might better read "The cause is just, the reason clear for those who serve and bleed," Just a thought. I'm pretty sure I've visited your port before and commented.
Excellent! A few little overuse of commas. "Lightening" should read "lightning." All in all, it held my interest to the end. You write well, with a well-rounded but readable vocabulary. And the horror genre is definitely one of your strong suits. Keep at it! George Dixon.
I like this! My own muse seems to have taken a powder of late, but I think you've got the right idea. Just start writing and let the chips fall where they may. I read your Bio and noted that you're an ex-Marine. You might like my little poem, "Semper Fi," which I wrote one day when I was feeling patriotic. I'm an ex-Air Force man myself. Cheers!
This truly captures the essence of wild mustangs. I rarely miss a TV show about them. My sister, who is an inveterate horse lover (at 78 she still owns two of them) will absolutely love this poem. You have a talented way with words. Thanks for sharing. George Dixon.
A nice poem about a special event. You're right. It's a day you'll always remember ... the greatest in your life. (Yes, my wife and I have been there and we both cried.) Thanks for sharing!
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