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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/greatperson1
Review Requests: ON
20 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Cookies  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (3.0)
This story is all one paragraph about a woman who loves making cookies. And what she'd forgotten since childhood. It one paragraph on the subject matter of sugar cookies. The last sentence is the only paragraph.

While I'm not much of a cookie eater, I can see how making cookies quickly became this woman's only talent. I enjoyed it a great deal, but you overuse commas.
Alice was a second-grader. She took a bite and made a strange face. Celia, my third grader, immediately started spitting out her bite. These suggestions will enhance your story.
2
2
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is not a poem, FreeStyle or otherwise. It's just a rant. Add some punctuation and some kind of cadence.
3
3
Review of $hö¢k  
Review by writingperson
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Homeless people don't deserve to die for selfishness. Besides, it didn't pay in the end did it?
Although I've already given my thoughts, this is a well-written poem.
4
4
Review of NOT AS HAPPY AS U  
Review by writingperson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is so true. Whenever you say, "Oh poor me." Someone always has it worse.

There is no need to capitalize on every phrase in the verse since it's all part of One sentence. A cap at the beginning and a period at the end of each verse. Other than that it was a good poem with a good message.
5
5
Review of Rust  
Review by writingperson
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
At this point, this is no more than a collection of good thoughts. However, to make a congruent story, you must first shorten these sentences, because they are long and awkward.
He cautiously approached one of the hulking piles of rust, keeping low, listening for the shout that would notify him and the others they were now being pursued. He and the other children were forbidden from playing on this stretch of sand ever since last year when one of the... what had the elders of the village call it? A ship... had fallen over, crushing to children who had been napping in its shade. Most had fallen, but sometimes the sands would shift as the earth shook, loosening the foundation.

He crept closer to one that reminded him of a picture he had seen in one of the elder's books. He remembered the day because he had reached out to touch the colorful image, shocked by the blue surrounding the ship, water, he had been told and had received several lashes across the back of his hand for his efforts. Apprenticed to that very elder now, there were times he was allowed permission to touch the small collection of books. He was learning to decipher the strange markings that covered many of the pages as part of his apprenticeship. He knew that where he was standing now, many cycles ago, he would be underwater and all these rusting hulks would have been floating on top of it, despite their weight.

My suggestion: One of the objects reminded him of something he'd read about in of the Elders books.
Knowing that the Elders had forbad and of the children to touch or play near the abandoned ship, he crept closer to the blue security shield. On several occasions, he had touched that shield and received something like a shock across the back of his hand. But rather than dissuade him, it had piqued his curiosity. And today was the day, he would discover why.

This is not rewritten entirely, but I have attempted to show how shorter sentences choose would enhance the story and provide suspense. As always, my suggestions are just that. You must

whether or not to use them. Good luck.
6
6
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (5.0)
I agree with what you say. One of my first writing coaches put it like this: 'It doesn't block the writing per se, it blocks writing what you want to write. It's about boredom.' When one is bored, writing becomes a task rather than an enjoyable and relaxing excersise. Call is apathy or a block if you like. But it's really boring.
7
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Review of Ghosts  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (4.5)
While I believe in spirits, I don't call them ghosts because that word has negative vibes that go with it. All in all, the story was good. And yet, there are such things as spirits. They are here to assist the Creator.
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Review of Winner  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (4.5)
I enjoyed your story. Winning the trophy isn't always the point of the race. Like you said, just finishing makes all the difference. Don't be down on yourself. What matters is what you think. Hang in there.
9
9
Review of Wrecking Ball.  
Review by writingperson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I enjoyed the read because the poet left the interpretation that was led to me, the reader. One has to ask, is this what my life has become.
10
10
Review of Spring Awakens  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (5.0)
Although I am not a fan of Acrostic poetry, I enjoyed the read. It stayed with the theme of spring, although early.
11
11
Review of I Didn't Expect  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, ain't that the truth? Actually, it ain't over till it's over, isn't that far from wrong. We're born with a purpose and linger until it's fulfilled. When that happens, we'll be the first to know.
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12
Review of still here  
Review by writingperson
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Although I don't like first-person narratives, I enjoyed your story. I also lived through a childhood of Grand Mall Seizures and anticonvulsants. My first seizure came when I was 12 years old, I was in the hospital for three and a half days. Fortunately, I too survived a stroke, two actually. The last one came about ten years ago. And I also lived to tell about it. I am now 73 years old. Everyone has a purpose in life and until it has been fulfilled they do no die. We may wonder what this purpose is, and yet we will be the first to know when our purpose has been fulfilled. Hang in there. Life does get better.
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Review of Paradise  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not religious, but I am spiritual and this is beautiful and tasteful. It fits the season without being tacky and religious.
I realize this was written for a contest. But if you decide to edit at a later date, I have a suggestion you may like.



As with all of my reviews, this is just a suggestion. Use it at your discretion.


14
14
Review of The Maple Tree  
Review by writingperson
Rated: E | (3.5)
The words of this poem paint a beautiful picture of autumn's nature's awesome beauty at autumn's end. However, Octoberfests and candy apples have no place in a poem about Nature's beauty.
Your poem could also use a little tweaking.

Example:

The Maple tree upon my lawn
rouses to greet the dawn;
branches spread up and roots grown down
and red leaves adorn his crown.

This is just my suggestion. Whether you choose to use it, is up to you.
15
15
Review by writingperson
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
But for a few grammatical errors, this is a very good introduction for an excellent SCI-FI novel.
EX: your text. The crash of a test tube jerked his sleepy body awake. Glancing around the room he could find no means of why the tube could have fallen. Bending to wipe up the mess, a ghostly mist swirled from the liquid and headed toward the bones.
My suggestion: Glancing around the room, the scientist surveyed his surroundings, but found no explanation for the phenomenon. As he mopped up the liquid contents of the test tube, a ghostly mist churned like a tornado, into the air moving in the direction of the bones.
I am aware that this might have been the submission for a word-limit contest. If so, keep this FYI.
16
16
Review by writingperson
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I've just read the first part of this story. Although I'm not wild about the subject matter, good grammar and punctuation team up to make an easy reading experience. The trip was smooth and adventurous. I'm curious to find out what Joan does in the end. I certainly don't like her boyfriend. But then, I suppose one has to expect that if she's a whore. I'm wondering though if perhaps mistress isn't going to work out better in the long run for a title. I mean, granted, Mark is the asshole in charge or pimp, depending on your frame of reference. And having read just the first part, I reserve my judgment. I've been working on my book in the light of what you said in your review and I think you'll like what I've done. The second half of the first part reads very differently from the first, but I repeat, I think you'll like it.
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