Wannabe's (gresyl) Reviews

Review Requests: ON
310 Public Reviews Given
744 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
WRITING
Who is this Person that reads your work.  (E)
Just a brief intro of the person you have entrusted your work to.
#228107 by gresylMail Icon
Public Reviews
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Review of My Private Whispers and Light Blog  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well, this review certainly shines a light on a writer worth reading. Your words tell a story without even knowing what the story is truly about, because it has no title, and no author attached, just one line: The story centers on a young love that began in childhood and continues to grow with time. Congrats on hooking every reader to this entry in "My Private Whispers and Light Blog" 
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Review of Chalk Dust & Broomsticks, Chapter 22  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Coming in at chapter 22 certainly does help my cause for the story plot, however, this chapter is filled with mystery and drama. The dialogue is impactful, and the description of the scene is very real. The characters that were a part of this chapter are well done and provide a good sense of what has happened in the past, and what is yet to come.

The large clock on the wall of ^ school hall struck ten, the sound heavy and final in the humid July air.
^ add word [the]The Kitchen staff retreated to the warmth of their kitchen where the smell of steaming cabbage filled the air.
- I don't believe the double use of kitchen in this sentence is required.

It had snapped in two.The protection spell had held her own ground, but the school was fracturing.
- missing a space
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Review of Treatment  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your story is one of many. You have started your recovery process, and it is good for you to remember what was, how it transpired, and what became the biggest obstacle in your life. Writing is an excellent form of therapy, as not only do you release your emotions, but it also allows you to release the mind, body, and soul of conflict and frees the spirit to move forward. I wish you much success in your recovery process.

Note: Due to the content of your writing, your access restrictions should be marked as ASR [adult supervision recommended]

Some corrections for you:
Three weeks after that II was in treatment or rehab if you want to be rude about it.- remove the second [ I ]
Anyways that's almost too much to put in here ^ but I'm trying to really ^ a picture here.
^ comma after [here]
^ add word [paint]
It's how the more I write about my past ^ the more II remember.
^ comma after [past]
- remove the second [ I ]
Anyways back to the story, my dad's funeral was an open casket ^ and he didn't look like him, II was walked over and expected to grieve over a man II didn't recognize.
^ comma after [casket]
- add a period after [him]
- remove the second [ I ]
May I also suggest:
- That you form paragraphs and place a line space between.
- There are several instances where a space is required between sentences.
- There are several other instances where a comma should be placed.
- The above 3 suggestions would make for a much more enjoyable read.
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Review of Fear!!!!  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WdC and congrats on writing your first piece.

While fear is a deterrent, guilt can be as well. And as such, we are our own worst enemy.

As you have marked this item a draft, I offer the following suggestions:
This item would be better suited with a font of at least 13 pt, but could be 14pt, or 15 pt.
The list below shows many instances of not putting a space after the comma. While the item is readable, it makes it appear like a run-on sentence with no breaks.
skills,the
knowledge,the
zone,fear
ourselves,and
courageous,taking
it,you
you,go
way,retake
you,what
yourself,what
future,your
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Review of The Silver Chains  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
The landscape that you wrote, with your descriptive words, danced across the page, providing a vivid image of what I have seen and experienced, although many years ago. The story flowed with ease and begged the reader to continue. A love story in true nature was unfolded. The release of thoughts to a love no longer there, scribbled in a poem, was a magical touch. Extremely well done.
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Review of Lady of My Dreams  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a sweet romantic memory of a time past. The fact that you dreamed her into reality is remarkable to say the least. Meeting your true love and having a life together is very nice.
It would appear that you have used this story for other publications and contests, as evidenced by all the notes at the conclusion of this story. Details that are specific to you, but not necessarily to your reader. Placing a break, or making the notes in a small font, will make it easier for your reader to know exactly where your story has ended.
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Review of A Letter To Any Survivors  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
These feel to me like a rough draft. The plot is a good one. I remember a movie on this same idea. In time with thought, this could be developed into a good short story.

I don't know how much mote of this I can do, it's lonely, no friends, no family. = spelling [more]

A virus that spread like wildfire, we stood no chance, it was airborne, sweats, fever, sickness, vomiting, it would catch you off guard, you feel fine one minute and the next, you were on deaths door. = missing apostrophe [death's]

I could go into any car dealership, take whatever car I wanted to and rag it around the streets, no cares in the world, no one else's safety, just me. = this must be a phase you use, but would be better suited to use the word [drive]

, I was getting around on the night with torches, complete darkness, you couldn't see a meter infront of you. = two words [in front]

Terrifying thinking about it, the fear of the unknown, was there anything lurking in the dark. = period should be a [?]

Even now writing this all down, I'm alone, ^ I've forgotten what my own voice sounds like. ^= missing word [and]

So that's why after^ six months of just being alone, it's time for me to try and find people, see if I can find anyone, am I truly the last person in the world. = periord should be a [?] - ^ missing comma [after,]

My plans are to travel, I'm taking a 4x4 from the car dealership just across the round from the house I have been living in. = spelling [road]

I'm going to hit every possible city, f*** it, even country if I can, ^ see if I can find any signs of life. ^= missing word [to] - The rating on your item is incorrect based on the use of this word your rating should be CG

I have left this letter here, if you are reading this, there will be a radio in the draw underneath this table where you have found this letter, If you find it, radio me, let me remember what my own voice sounds like, give me hope that I'm not the last person alive.
here, if - should be here. If
spelling [drawer]
letter, If - should be [.] not a [,]

I have left a map with all the cities I will be going ^ and routes that I will be taking, follow it, it will be nice to speak and see another person. ^= missing word [to]

I hope you find this, I wish you the best, I hope we find each other, be nice to have someone again, or maybe even a group of people, wishful thinking, but who knows?
this, - should be [.] not [,]
best, - should be [.] not [,]
people, wishful - should be [.] not comma, and Capitalize W on wishful
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Review of Emotionally Charged Words  

Review by gresylMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this to be a captivating article on the mechanics of the human reaction to words. You clearly defined it pit falls and uses, including examples of your own interpretations. I would be curious if this was an oral presentation or a written article for a business forum. In oral form, it could be quite different in how we hear vs how we read.

I did find that the lack of commas throughout your piece was a touch distracting, but overall a good read. Thanks for sharing.

A few corrections for you I found along the way:
Logically, if we accept that we can get better, then it is highly probable ^ there is someone already better than us. ^= missing word [that]

An employee who is putting in long hours on a project notices that a team member is not spending enough time on the project. = I don't believe the [s] is required on this word

“so what?”. = The [s] should be capitalized, also double punctuation at the end [.] should be removed

It would be easier to read and not look light run on if there was blank space added between bullet numbered points

Money, customer base, customer satisfaction, funding, lives saved? = this line is in answer to the question before it, therefore the [?] should be a [.]

Re-word and explain the intent. = reword does not require a hyphen

This may not be immediately remedied,^ don’t give up. ^= missing word [but]

Trust will usually offer a get-out-of-jail-free card here, don’t abusee it. = spelling [abuse] delete additional [e]

“What are you doing to improve yourself?”, = comma should be before the question mark

“How come you don’t already know that?”, = comma should be before the question mark

If something is detrimental to our communication, it is also likely detrimental to our relationships and possibly ^ health. ^= missing word [our]

To round this out I am going to offer a personal example of charged words that has taken me a long time to cope with. = has should be have

The most obvious example of this is the “yes, but” conjunction. In most cases this means that the person using the conjunction has not taken the time to hear what I’ve said and has already prepared their defenses, waiting to pounce as soon as I pause for air. = spelling [defences]

I offer this example of dismissive from the Canadian comedy troupe The Frantics’ skit “Boot to the Head”: = dismissiveness might be a better word use here | I don't believe the apostrophe is required here

Mindfulness offers many more communication benefits than just discharging emotional words, I recommend everyone at least learn what it is. It can only make you better. = I believe the comma should be a period, with a new line starting with the I