|Dear Xavier Kobel
I am reviewing your "The Dark One Cometh Prologue" . These are my observations about your work.
"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."
General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok lets start with the title. "The Dark One Cometh" is a great title and it meets everything criteria for reader attraction. However, no one likes prologue especially publishers so drop it. Make this the first chapter and then have the Dark One alluding to it in the second chapter. Now your description works great for a short story ie the prologue. What you need is one that covers what the Dark One that cometh is coming for and or what the aftermath is. Remember you get four shots to draw interest to your book, the title, The description, the book cover, and the first sentence. What you show as a prologue should be the first chapter showing what happened and where our Dark One came from. It is important to the story and the plot. There are a few places you can embellish more to fill it in and add more reader interest to it.
Plot & Pace From your description the prologue was a short story. It meets the needs of a short story. That is why I recommend you change the description. You had your build up, you have a climax and a cooling off period short, but still there. For the most part, it reads well as a short story. It does need better reader attraction. As a suggestion I recommend you build up and flesh out your characters. Especially the couple that will bring the Dark One into the world. You see as part of a plot twist you build up unimportant characters to keep things interesting and to allow for surprises like if the Dark One murders both of them. In fact, that could make one heck of a second chapter.
Characters As in most short stories you didn't do much to develop them which since it was a prologue is okay. But this is a book and the reader wants to meet the important characters in the first and second chapters this is why most people don't like prologues. They can confuse the reader a lot.
Setting & Imagery
It was as if the end had come, a generation decimated. Everyone (leader and losers alike) had been affected, if not by personal loss, then by acquaintance. <--- I understand what your trying to say here but for people who life has dragged down and they read your (leader and losers)they will not read any further. I highly recommend you don't make it about peoples feeling as much as a condition. as a suggestion so you understand what I am meaning. "(rich and poor)." You're still showing the same thing that you are basing it on. You are using conditions and not feelings. Somedays we feel like leaders as well as losers so you're not really giving a good reference. Some people may take offense so stay with traditional things that people can identify with.
Themes It is too early yet to get a handle on the theme of the story. However, you are setting the stage with a feeling of dread. so far the theme of the prologue is dread.
Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Your building up the sadness of a horrible loss of life and of children. Which is setting the stage of a Horror, Sci-Fi genre. The mood in this is dark and forboding good job on this. The atmosphere is that of dread the reader is wondering who or what is the Dark One? Is he going to finish the job the meteoroid started? Is he evil and mankind's destroyer?
Structure & Consistency One thing I noticed that I had to stop doing in my dialog and that is breaking up each sentence with quotes. it confuses the reader because now we have to stop reading and figure out that the author wants us to see. The truth is you only need one set of quotes per paragraph of dialog.
Writing Style & Grammar
"Is everything ok?" A steady silence causes him to check if the cell has lost signal.("} Sweetie, have I lost you?" <--- Missing quote mark. Your style is good and you can paint quite a scene.
Overall Impression & Conclusion: Overall, I would read this book if you wrote it. I know you are doing it right and you are open and looking for good ideas. I believe you have quite a plot for one really good horror story in the sci-fi genre. I think it has great possibilities. It is creative and different. You have a new and different take here. I would love to read it and help you by reviewing your next chapters.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book.
Thanks for sharing this chapter! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!
You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll, Dawg, and Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Scissor Lizard reviewer with the Art of Criticism.
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