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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gungunwarrior
Review Requests: OFF
459 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.
I'm good at...
In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.
Favorite Genres
I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.
Least Favorite Genres
poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.
Public Reviews
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1
1
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "Innocence of Guilt as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions You sure do murder genre well. I can see this story expanding out in to a novel it has good components to it and would make a great one especially if you wrote it. One thing I learned about you to day in my ten review challenge is you are in your writing element with the mystery / murder genre. I grabbed this as my last story to review because the title was very good and grabbed me from the rest plus you had that great second hook in the description I just had to see how it went from bad to worse. I wasn't disappointing when I read the first sentence as it was a great hook and did its job well. My only complaint was it wasn't long enough. I just wanted to know more about the characters and how the police knew to come to his house to look for her. You have a few loose ends as if you intend to come back and do more with this story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts As much as I hate to admit it I like the Main I somehow feel he didn't really kill her. Don't ask me why because it is a gut feeling I get from reading way too many books in this genre. I like the way you left it open so we can think and feel what we will for your main. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme Extra, extra, boyfriend waxes girlfriend over a one stand. The funny part is who really attacked who and was her death self defense? The jury is still out on this. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You made it like a real happening so everyone was believable and it made the story very interesting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting this story could take place in any time and place in today's world we live in. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You had me going with the start I though she was really alive and not a ghost alive in his mind only great take on this with the dialog between them. You even had the police dialog down pat. You must watch a lot of police shows lol. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Last Thoughts If your muse ever decides to work on this story more. Let me know I want to read it. I do love the genre I just don't write it as well as you do. This is my last one in your port. Thank you for a great reading day. I have really liked your writing and the twists your muse puts on your stories. *CheckB*


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2
2
Review of Four Two Six  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈 }
I am reviewing your "Four Two Six as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.



*BulletB* General Impressions What an interesting take on the prompt. Something I would have done if I had found this contest myself. Now I really liked the title before I understood what it really is. Great title. Minus the main prompt, the description is a great hook and does make the story far more interesting. Somehow I knew the father was involved but not to that extent. I'm not sure if I understand if he is just abusive or he raped her or he is both you leave this open. The other thought is she is allowing this as punishment for killing her mom in a car accident. So we have the self guilt and the father's abuse both going on. Your heart still goes out to the girl. You always make good use of the first sentence / paragraph as a major hook to your stories. This one was of real interest I wanted to see how it played out. I felt for the police and I felt that the farther was hiding something from the police. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts The surprise ending you gave the story. Again it had that surprising twist I like in good writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme I think it has to be the double punishment that the daughter is allowing to happen. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You made great use of the two police officers and the father and daughter to bring this story alive and believeable. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Once more you prove you can place a story in a current setting and make it believable to the reader like it is happening right now, and next door. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Dialog Great use of dialog to bring the story and characters alive. *CheckB*


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3
3
Review of Into The Rain  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "Into The Rain as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions I liked the title to this one it is a great hook. You need to use the second hook the description on your good short stories. Moving on the first sentence / paragraph had me hooked into reading this to see where it was going. I actually like using third person omniscient and head hopping. It is a better way to do show and less tell. Because you can expose all parts to a story to keep the reader interested. I did learn to keep it between a certain set of characters and not every one you can name lol. I like how you used a phone to her sister as a way to use the conversation to tell the wife's side of the altercation. It sure explained a lot about why the poor man was out dancing in the rain acting like a child. You have a great talent using this type of point of view. Great story and great example of how to do this type of writing for novels. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts My favorite part was the man section. His thoughts explained the whole thing and tied up the whole story nicely. I could understand why the children didn't join him. They were afraid that they might cause more harm and daddy's actions had scared them. Good way to show us the reality of our actions.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme Like most short stories the plot is the theme or vice versa. You were using this exercise to show us how stress can make anyone snap. Now his wife will never get her trip to Italy lol, servers her right. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I like how first you used the couple next door. and the conversation between them to advance the story and show us part of what is going on from the neighbors side of it. Next you used the wife talking to her sister about what she is seeing and what happened from her point of view. Next you used the husband talking to himself as he acts out the best times he had in his childhood because his adult side has left the building. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting The interesting thing about this is it can be anywhere in the world and at present time as long as it is raining where the reader is lol. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Final Thoughts I enjoyed reading this story and the great example of point of view by head hopping. I may mark this down and use it for the newbies to see when they are advanced enough to begin to see what point of view really is and how it works. I remember when I didn't have a clue other than I wanted so bad to write that way. *CheckB*


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4
4
Review of Wildflowers  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "Wildflowers as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions Interesting a modern day horror story. The title wasn't that good of a hook for this story. My muse thinks it should be Red Wildflowersinstead. It really needs a good description so we have plot and theme to review for. When we review short stories remember we always use the description to find the plot or if it even has one. Then we compare the description to the plot and see if they match or mislead the reader. In this story's case it is definitely not a match. From your story I guess that the Asylum is a horror genre short story contest. Which has nothing to do with plot. The first sentence / paragraph did it's job and sucked me in until I ran out of words and story. I am still wanting more and yet it is a long piece lol. Nice job of writing it. You had me telling the main not to open the bedroom door and to yell at Sarah not to go running in. Normally most short stories are doing good if I can even finish reading them to be honest. I see you switched point of view with this story to first person limited. Still it works well for this kind of story telling. You know with a good story that holds your interest you don't notice if it was more show than tell. I feel in this story it was the a good balance of both so it flowed well and read well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how the seat belt kept Logan from coming to her rescue it also added to the tension and build up to what you just knew he was going to find inside the bedroom. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme In this case the plot and the theme are the same double murder in a haunted house. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters We get to meet Sarah and Logan two yuppies living the dream in a haunted house they found as kids. they used to play in it now they use it to study for their college courses on the week ends now. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting This setting could be here and now in any state. Your muse has great taste in creating great settings for the reader to use. I noticed that a lot of other authors struggle with this concept of letting the reader set the stage on where and when at the beginning of the stories or novels. I am enjoying reading your short stories more than your poetry. Some of it is way over my head and you wouldn't like what I would say about it lol so I'll stick with what I know best, novels and short stories. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict I liked they way you build up your conflict by showing signs of an intruder. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax I knew that Sarah was going to get it, but I wasn't expecting Logan or that it was a real person and not a ghost. what a great twist on the hunted house theme. *CheckB*



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5
5
Review of Paranoia  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "Paranoia as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.



*BulletB* General Impressions Well I wasn't expecting that even though you gave several clues about it. Good job! It's nice to see good writing that entertains and tells a story to give us food for thought. Loved the title it is a great hook. I liked this description it does tell it all and yet doesn't give it away. It is a decent hook as well. I liked Rose and her phobia about being scared is fun to other people. Eventually those chicken shit kids will have to come to terms with what they did. I liked the way we flowed from scene to scene you transitioned nicely. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts My favorite part was the ending, I for once didn't see it coming. Yet the clues were all there even in the description. Some how I was expecting a demon or vampire to get her. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme What happens when we let fear and our imaginations run wild. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters We only truly meet just one, the main, Rose. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting The setting could be any Halloween night in any town in the present day. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used the dialog well when it was needed. You told this story from Roses inner thoughts and fears. The readers point of view was from third person limited. It is hard to do some times, but when you can pull it off it is always a good read. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation This story, I felt was one of your best presentations to the reader yet. *CheckB*



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6
6
Review of Sunday Friends  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "Sunday Friends as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.



*BulletB* General Impressions Wow, nice story. Good use of the prompt material I like reading the creative stories from unusual prompts and adding a twist to the tale. first off good title it does act as a hook. The description does need a little work. The story does need the second hook. If you practice setting up your short stories as if you are going to sell it then as they say practice makes perfect and it becomes a good habit. The other professional tip is put your notes, prompts, and word count at the end of the story. Make the judge work for a living instead of taking the easy way out. Once I got past the non-interest items the first sentence / paragraph did its job of reeling me into the story. In this story you put a lot of emphasis on how the person out for the walk feels. More than that of the clown. I found that interesting as it helped with the friend making and shows the inner conflict. Then the change and the friend making and now the twist of it being a perfect Sunday.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts My favorite part was where they start telling each other all their failures and what they learned from them. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme Making friends in unexpected places under stressful circumstances. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You always give us just enough for us to picture your characters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting The setting you chose was now and in any city. Which makes it easier for the reader to run with it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog really well in telling the story. *CheckB*


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7
7
Review of A Helping Hand  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "A Helping Hand as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.



*BulletB* General Impressions Your title is great Your muse does pick well for titles on your short stories. The description needs work. This story is worth reading so I really suggest you fire up your muse and give it a good description. Next is first sentence / paragraph, as usual your grabbed me and didn't let me go until I ran out of words. The only issue I have with it is the genre setting you used as the first one. I kept looking for the mob or gangster connection to this as I read along. I was very disappointed when no tie-in showed itself. I really think they should have one that is violent crime or murder. But most of this type of crime falls under murder mystery or mystery. My point is try putting it as the third one instead of the first one. That way other readers don't get the same reactions as I did at the end. So unfair and here I was thinking Mike's brother was a hit man. I like how you set us up for the scene and the setting by using his age on earth. You grab us with could he be an alien or someone not from earth now we really have to read more to find out. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts You put in quite a twist on this story at the end. I really feel for Mike's brother and Mike now he will not be able to parent his daughters. Because they will get stuck with the new husband because Mike gets to spend the rest of his life behind bars. Of course he could get a lawyer and plead temp insanity. But that would be another story and not this one. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme You are showing us that there are somethings we really do not want to help out our family with. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You really do an amazing job of fleshing out your characters to me in your stories. Just thought you should know. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting I pictured this back in the early 1920 or 1930's. It just didn't have that modern feel to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog well between the two brothers and also the one brother's thoughts to tell us this tale of murder. *CheckB*



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8
8
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Charlie... 🌈

I am reviewing your "Thanks! What Is It? as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions Loved the title it has that hook you need to draw people in. But the description as a second hook needs a little more polish. Now the first sentence/ paragraph drew me in and for the most part held me in. There was a lot of banter that didn't seem quite right to me thus dropping me out then the next sentence would bring me back in kind of like a roller coaster ride. This story is good well written no grammar or punctuation errors but it is missing something that makes you feel it is a 4.5 star instead of a 5 star. In a novel it boils down to the scene being too descriptive or the setting being off. I didn't notice anything wrong with your setting or your scene. I didn't see any info dumps on the descriptions or any too much show. Still just have that gut feeling it needs more polish. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts You really made us feel for the poor third sister with a three legged elephant. Loved the the reference to the white elephant gift. I also liked how you made us feel for Leah as she had to be embarrassed about how it was wrapped and how it made her standout more as a loner than part of the family. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Closing Remarks Your story idea and the way you told it was top notch. I could picture myself there as Leah. But I also remember the joy and the fun my adopted parents made Christmas for me and my other two brothers and sister. I really feel some of your dialog is off base with the scene and then yet it fits the two sisters perfectly as you have presented them to us. My muse feels that the the some of the two sister dialog is off base some how and that is the only area I can point to that could use some attention the rest is really well done. *CheckB*


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9
9
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear Charlie... 🌈
I am reviewing your "The Ten Year Drought as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.



*BulletB* General Impressions I see like most of us your writing gets better with age and polish. I liked the story, I could feel the man's pain. Lets get down to it. Lets start with the title, it did hook me into reading this one first of the ten I have to do. All homage to the great Wheel of Torture. I feel you did a good job with your title. Now as for the second and most important hook the description. I think you fell a little flat there. My suggestion is get rid of: Short story of. Moving on to the first sentence / paragraph it drew me in and kept me there until I ran out of words to read. I feel if you fix the description you have one ready for publication. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you built up to the confrontation. they way you showed his inner thoughts as he fought his dragon and how hard it became to keep the beast inside. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme I personally felt the real plot and theme to this was the things men do to win the hand of the woman who catch their eyes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I felt for a short story with possible a word limit to it you developed your characters well. I found nothing wrong with them that would pull anyone out of the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting You had two main scenes in this story the work place and the bar. You set the story off well with telling us it was at a work place and with that setting we can picture it happing as of right now in our own present time and place. Very mice job with using this type of setting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict Ah, yes, the age old conflict of another man trying to lay your main squeeze. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Good job with this Charlie If the reader wants to know go read the story lol. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog The interesting part is you didn't use much dialog between two people just the one man's thoughts to himself. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation As always you make your writing look like a pro wrote it, and from what I read I would agree a pro did write it. *CheckB*



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10
10
Review of Evil Wind  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Jack Goldman
I am reviewing your "Evil Wind as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions First off As a novel writer how often do you see chapter descriptions for the chapters? We don't one of the tricks I learned was to give my readers / reviewers the novel or novella description which has to be a hook. Also it has to give us plot information so we can see the build up, the conflict and the resolution in the novella. It really makes it hard to see what your building up to in the chapters as I read. Also if this is a novella, what is the Novella's title? So far I see two separate works. Evil Wind and Dragon Rises this brings me to the question if both are part of a novella, what is the Novella's name? What is its description and why does these pieces of the novella have short chapters. Are you doing scenes as chapters? If you are that's great you are doing a great job doing it that way. But it all makes it look like the components to each work is a novella on its own. I will tell you that Evil Windis a good build up, but it is not a separate novella by itself. It is missing the climax and the resolution. I would like to suggest for your consideration:

Main title of the Novella = Dragon
Description: The continuing adventures of Jack Goldman
First Section: Evil Wind
Second section: Dragon Rising


If you put this at the top of each static sheet of each section. Now the reader understands what you are doing. Now it all makes sense since it isn't in a paper back book we don't get the picture of what it is you are doing plus since we all use the description as our focus to finding plot. If the correct description isn't present then your reviewers are lost. I enjoy doing chapter reviews for novels and novellas. Now you can see why I am telling you this because to give you a good helpful review I have to know what the novella's real description is. Also to let you know if the title is a good hook as well as the description.

Now on section Evil Wind I liked the title. The description was bland and not a very good hook to draw me into reading this section. But the first sentence / chapter sucked me in and soon I was out of poetry and at an end. I will say this it did leave me wanting more. It is building up to the next section and I'm hooked and want to see where this evil virus is going to do in Jack's city. If the build up was all about Jack taking the training rookies position. You didn't do it as a plot, because it is lacking the rest. All the poetry and all the clues you have in here all point to the next section. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I really like Jack and his family. I feel though you are putting in too many characters. I tend to do this too. When you are building an army you don't have to name everyone in it lol. However it was pointed out to me to just name only the important ones to the plot. The rest can be an officer or a job title. You developed your characters really well. I like the good ones, I hated the bad ones, and I wanted you to know they are like real people to me. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting In novels settings make or break the story to the reader. You did a great job on telling us where and when your story take place. Here is the good thing you have done in this setting. You named it, and placed it in a city that is real. I do not know if Jacks assignment is a real or fictitious place. It is real to me as a reader because of the way you did your settings. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You are using your dialog in a great way. It pulls us in because you write it like the two people are real and having a real conversation. Nothing seems fake or forced in your dialog it flows with the scene and doesn't drop the reader's interest at any time. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Your presentation and structure was sound to me. I felt I was reading a real novel and written by a famous author. You really do write well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Final Thoughts At first the poetry made me go what the heck? Then I could start to see what you were doing with this. I am probably off on this. So I wrote you an email and asked you its purpose. I want you to know that I will probably read and review the second one as well because I want to know the rest of your tale you are tying to tell me. *CheckB*


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Review with Writing ML is 3,873 characters.
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11
11
Review of Segment 1  
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear June
I am reviewing your "Segment 1 as a "Game of Thrones Review. These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.


*BulletB* General Impressions I read a lot of mysteries and am working on one or two. But like any genre in order to attract readers the first thing your book or novel has to have is a hook for a title. To me Segment One is not a title worthy of your writing talent. I Hook at Night I believe is a great title. It had me wondering just what would I be reading about. I liked your characters really well. It starts off with mother and baby then works into what makes the mother happy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked the way you used a human characteristic about the mom thinking about being romantic with a different person. We all do this from time to time in our lives. It doesn't mean we cheat on our love ones, it just means we look at what we could have had then realize that what we have is far better and move on. It is how we react to stress and to our thoughts that decides if we really are cheating or just entertaining different thoughts about our lives. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot / Theme Since this is the first chapter of your mystery it is doing the setting of where and when. I believe you did drop a few plot hints, but one really doesn't expect to see much here.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You introduced us to four characters: Grammy, Tom, Rebecca, and Janice. We see a cozy family on the outside with the wife keeping secrets from her husband as most wives like to do. I think most wives have to have one secret they keep from their spouse just so they feel they are in control of their lives. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting So far we know that this takes place in the united states. We do know the where and the when just yet. But I am sure it will be in the next two chapters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog There wasn't any in this chapter just Janice's internal thoughts as she set up the stage for the rest of the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Some things to think about. Most paragraphs are between six to eight sentences long, not one or two. Also it looks better if you maintain the line space between your short paragraphs. For the most part it looks good reads good and is interesting. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
She gently transferred Rebecca from her arms to the crib, turned, and tip-toped out of the nursery, the light from the hallway guiding her way. <--- I believe that should be tip-toed. *CheckB*

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12
12
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear drasgonsent
I am reviewing your "From The Breach: Ch.8: In Their Midst. These are my observations about your work. Keep what you like and forget or ignore the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction This chapter is the best I have read so far. I like the new challenge that our hero has to go through to get his talisman back. I found the scene at the stream interesting it did seem a little weak at first, but once you explained the joke I was able to get into the spirit that this man exhibits. You do do build interesting characters. I like the method your using and your style of writing. in ways I wish I had the ability to use your word choices. So far your writing has impressed me both with your style and your scenes. I can picture your world well and it fits my insatiable thirst for exploration of other peoples universes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I am starting to see where you are taking this story your telling. The plot is to get the main character to the dragons and to right a horrible wrong the new king is doing to the world. The pace in this chapter is fast and reads well I like the flow between scenes. You transition between the scene so well the reader doesn't notice it. This is what we all strive for.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I find all your characters interesting and want to know more about them, and I look forward to reading more. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You are doing a great job with your world building and inviting us into your world. Your initial set up you did in chapter one still is holding true in chapter eight. This is an essential part that a lot of us don't understand about consistency. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes The over all theme I am feeling in this chapter is good verses evil. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Ah, you have a lot of emotions running rampant in this chapter, We have hate, fear, caution, and humor. For the most part it is all dark so the mood of the chapter is dark. Since the emotions and the mood st the Atmosphere it to is dark and depressing for our hero. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency The structure and consistency of this chapter are stunning. Your keeping true to your initial setting of your world. Your characters still define the setting. You are keeping them consistent with the plot and story telling. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar Your style works well in your story telling the use of third person limited is working well. Also I couldn't find any grammar issues to distract the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines My favorite part was where you introduced the main character to the Captain. You leave a lot open here the reader wonders will he end up being a bad guy or will he become a friend to the hero? Love the way you are leaving this open. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: My over all impression is One of the best written Chapters I have read in this story. I am enjoying the read. When you cannot find anything wrong with it and it reads like a dream. It left me waiting for the next chapter. Very nicely done. I am sorry it took me this long to review it. But I said I would I do keep my commitments even if I am a bit late. I'm not worried about the GPS. You don't owe me anything for this review. *CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this chapter with me. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll Gang.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Immortal Tear  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Temujin
I am reviewing your "Immortal Tear as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions It took me awhile to figure out the title in fact it wasn't until the end. So you see what a great hook it really is. Since the title works I looked at the description. I found it was short and to the point. However, it clashes with the title. After reading the story then they both make sense. They both are hooks, the description with it clash with your title does make the reader want to find out why they are so different. I recommend no changes because they work to help draw the reader in. Your first sentence / paragraph was a great hook that finished the job of getting me to read the whole story.

I'm sorry, but I didn't like the double spacing. It felt like I was reading a draft set up to be edited. The double spacing is great for a poem. This is fiction if you open up any book or anthology you will not see the stories double spaced. I once did it too and I got called on it. If your goals are like mine and we want to be published. You will use single spacing and indent your paragraphs. Basically make your writing look like a page in a book. If you practice what the pros do then everyone will believe you are a pro. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I really liked the ending, it made the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Your description said it best. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I liked the way you left Father to our imaginations. The really good thing you did was not name the children. I have yet to learn this lesson. It keeps you from having too many characters unlike me I have to name everyone. I found the way you did this was a great example of why I want to practice this style. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Everyone has an opinion on having a clear setting as in date and time that we can look at. You actually left it open so if the reader really wanted one they could supply their own. I am finding sometimes this way is hard to do. For a short story you made it quite easy my reader pictured it as late 2000s like 2525 or such. Since this is taking place in your universe I saw no reason not to supply my own numbers. The idea is to get the reader involved with the story that they do use their imaginations to enjoy your story. Your setting worked out quite well.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict I pictured the conflict as Father's lost of his people. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax I figured this was when the children gave back to father the human race. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used it quite well in your story telling. Really good job on that. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Other than the double spacing the rest of it was great. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from a dragon member of the Paper Doll Gang.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Unsuspecting  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Boulden Shade (fka Jeff Meyer)
I am reviewing your "Unsuspecting as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Ok, let's start with title. It is a good hook and works as you need it to. It peaked my interest to read the description. I found the description a little miss leading after I read the whole story. With all short stories the description is supposed to give away the plot. That is how most good reviewers know what to look for. The other point is why was it causing me to be confused. Here is my point if he still thinks Mrs. Guetterman is alive than either she is a ghost living in his memory. Or he is reliving the event over and over. The last part is he is dead and they are both ghosts and they are doomed to repeat their deaths. You now see why I think your description and plot do not match. The first sentence / paragraph drew me in as it is supposed to do really good job on its construction. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts The part where he looks at the steak knives in his hands and gets the idea to take his rage out *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I'm not really sure what exactly the plot is. It could be the guy is forced to relive the murder over and over. Or he is now haunted by the ghost of the murdered victim. I'm not really sure on this point. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters The characters are very well done. I can picture them both in my mind. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting You have placed this in the best setting to tell your story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The conflict is the murder of Mrs. Guetterman. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax This is where he decides to try and murder her ghost or memory again. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You use it well in this story. It does carry the story and give clues to what is going on. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation You have done a great job with your presentation of this work. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation By the way an Em Dash is made by holding down the alt key and typing in on the numeric keypad 0151. Then release the alt key and there is a correct Em Dash. The other point is if you use them then be consistent. You either put it between the two letters with no space you continue do this with all the rest. Or you leave a space before the letter and you do for all your Em Dashes. You are not supposed to mix and match as you did it is not considered good writing if you do. *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from a dragon member of the Paper Doll Gang.


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear brokenshards22
I am reviewing your "The Story of Hope Chapter 4 . These are my observations about your work. Keep what you like and forget or ignore the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction You did a great job on fixing this up thank you so very much. I found out the hard way about this. I just didn't want to do a learning lesson. I did what I wish one of the WDC reviewers would have done with me. Now moving on I always start with title. Since you are writing a book don't put anything that distracts for your title being a hook to grab your reader. Remove the chapter 4. The reader doesn't need to see it. You have it in the text body once is fine but twice is redundant. What I feel as your real title "The Story of Hope" is a good hook. The reason it is a good hook is because the reader looks at it and wonders is hope a name or a feeling?

So they will take a look further into your writing. Now we come to the description. Now new writers like me struggle with descriptions because we do not yet understand that the description has to show the reader the plot yet not give it away. Also the description would be part of your synopsis of your book that we would read on the back cover of your novel. When as a new reviewer I learned that the description of a short story was the plot it sure made reviewing the story easy because I now knew what to look for if the two don't match then either the story has no plot or the description is dead wrong and misleading. Since this is a novel or book I do not expect to see the plot in a chapter. I do expect to see a build up leading to a major conflict. Sorry got sidetracked with plot components. Your description has to be a hook as well this while dead on for your plot isn't much of a hook. It is to a very limited group of people.

If you are writing to them then that is fine. If you want this to appeal to a much larger group of readers change your description. I will give you an example: The different struggles anyone can face in college. Do you see what I am doing here? I am masking your plot a little but not entirely. I took gender out of it so the males won't think it's just another chick flick and bypass it. We males do things like this that was why I let you know your limiting your readers. My next point is you want people to read your story not confuse it with a lot of other stories out there about the same or close to it type of things. Now, I do understand this is your story. I am trying to spark your muse into doing a better description by showing you why it didn't work as a hook for me.

I'm going to mention this here instead of imagery. You use "Snapchats" a lot in your story. To be honest if this is something specific to just one college or colleges then you need to tell your readers what "Snapchats" are. Me I went to Viet Nam after High School I never went to college I have no clue what "Snapchats" is other that some kind of chat system. It could be computer based or phone based or even both, but the reader doesn't know all of this. A lot of people my age are technologically impaired. My solution to this is right where you first use this word tell us what it is and you could also say the heroin likes to use her phone or tablet or pocket PC for this service. It has several benefits to you as a writer. One, it adds content to your story. Two,if you sell this and get paid by the word you just made more money because of added content. If you made this up you really need to explain it or loose your reader. The last point is by not explaining what it is you are limiting your audience to only those who do. (Silly me, I have repaired computers most of my life, but because I don't own or us a cell phone I really don't know what a "Snapchat" is. My lovely wife explained them to me.) Now I know but again only those in the age range of 20-30 would know. You are limiting your audience also one could say you dating your novel as well sometimes that is not a bad thing. Sometimes it is depending on your writing goals.
*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace After reading this all the way through. I think I get an idea about what your plot build up is and on that part you are ding a great job. once you fix all the errors I found and maybe a few I missed. It should read at a reasonable speed. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You have quite a few in this chapter maybe a few too many. I learned a new thing about this and that is don't name them. That way if they have no name the reader doesn't think they are important and add them to their important character list. Another thing I learned only name characters you need for the plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery I did not have one bit of trouble knowing where Hope was or what she was doing. You were not clear on the what college or its setting but then I figured it was done in the first three chapters. This why some people have a hard time reviewing books they still think a chapter is a short story and everything has to there. The reality is it should have all been done in the first three chapters and here in the fourth we are seeing plot hints getting and idea of a conflict brewing and so on. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes The theme of this chapter was the disparage of her having that tube down her throat. It had a second theme of the love developing between her and Alex. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The over all emotion is one of pain and jealousy. The mood is of illness and the Atmosphere is one of waiting for the next thing to happen. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency The structure of your writing is great. Your consistency is fine I didn't notice anything out of place as far as the scenes matching the characters are doing what they normally do.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
Did I? Duh. I wanted something not so insane to do on Parade Day and I wanted to. <--- There is two things with this sentence. One it is personal thought in a way we treat is as speech so since it is internal and not spoken out loud you italicize it. Now the Writing ML command for this is {i} and at the end of your thoughts do {/i}. Second the way your sentence is structured the reader goes at the sentence end,"do what?" I did figure it out, but at first read you will have all your reader go what is it she wants to do? It's like you stopped in the middle of a thought and left it out.

The next day Alex showed me this video of an all brawl that happened at the Parade which seemed to involve 20 college kids. <--- The part in red shows the section that needs polishing. An all brawl doesn't read right it should read "an all out brawl."

Victoria did by over to pick up Alicia and by that time Alex was almost passed out on the floor. <--- It is not by over it is "come over."

My dad began driving down from New York and Emily and came by the hospital and with clothes and a phone charger. They were great. <--- I think you have too many "ands" in it. It would read a lot if you removed the and after Emily and before came. It should read like "and Emily came."

Get me out of I’m going to lost it” <--- Talk a bout a short sentence looks like your missing a few words here. You are going to get her out of I'm? Never heard of a place called I'm. Let try this instead "out of here or I'm going to lose it." Lost implies you have already gone or already lost it. You have the wrong tense of the word is all. You might consider rewriting it or fix it as I have suggested.

There was a new nurse, Jennifer, and I liked her a lot more. I nodded off and when I woke up she was next to me as she cleaned the table.

“Guess you’ll be feeling a lot better now that the tube’s out” I was still groggy but then I realized the tube had fallen out when I was asleep. I had told the nurses I was getting uncomfortable because I kept choking on the tube and the nurse had told me it was secure and all in my head. How secure was it if it came out in my sleep? I liked Jennifer a lot more than the other nurses. <--- You are repeating yourself you could cut this last sentence out and everyone will still know that our heroin likes the new nurse.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I think you have an interesting Drama. Your writing and story telling are quite good. Like all drafts they all need a little polish. This chapter show great potential. I know the hard work that goes into polishing a chapter or a book. Everyone has their own style of writing and building their book. Some build it a chapter at a time some do it two or three chapter. Some like me write the whole thing out in a rough draft then work on the chapters one at a time until I get it right. The reason I do it this way is because what you edit in one effects the rest of the book. So when comes chapter eight and you get a new idea and need to incorporate it into the rest of the already written and polished chapters. It puts you back to square one. To me it much easier to modify a rough draft than a polished work. But we are who we are and not everyone works the way I do. I enjoy the difference. If I can help you in anyway please allow me the opportunity to serve you.*CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this chapter with me. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll Gang.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Red's Basket  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear MontyB
I am reviewing your "Red's Basket as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*Bullet* General Impressions My general impressions of your story was a different take on a classic children's story. I thought the idea clever and different. First I went to the title I found it different at first it had me interested in reading more to find out if nothing else who Red was. Red can be an interesting color since it can lead into many genre that I like to read. Next I went to the description and it told me exactly what this story is about and answered my questions about Red. Now I went to the first sentence/paragraph. It hooked me good until the end. Somehow I felt let down by the way you told the ending. I expected something a bit different. Here was what was building up in my mind as I read this. You kept alluding to the sweets and goodies in the basket.

I expected the wolf to not only eat little yummy Red, but to tear a part the basket and eat some of the goodies as desert and spread the rest around the room with pieces of the basket after all he is a wild animal and they will do this because it is part of their nature. {e:CheckB

*Bullet* Favorite Parts I liked how you described the basket and its likes and dislikes. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Plot I liked what you did with the fairy tale. Good job with the way you told it. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Characters I liked how you limited this story to just four. The mom, little Red, the basket, and the big bad wolf. You did well with your personification of the basket. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Setting You moved us around a little bit, but you allowed us to use our imagination on each scene and only wrote directly when we needed to transition very good job on this. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Conflict The conflict is the classic good against evil. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Climax The climax is evil won. If you want the details go read the story. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Dialog You used your dialog well. It is the device you used to advance the story and plot in a good way. *CheckB*

*Bullet* Presentation You did well with both parts. Good job.*CheckB*

{e:Bullet} Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
And then there's the bouncing as she skips through the forest and to our chosen destination. <--- I would rewrite this sentence fist you start it with "and" next, you add a extra "and". Here is a suggestion " I love the bouncing as she skips through the forest to our chosen destination." *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from a dragon member of the Paper Doll Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Jimminycritic
I am reviewing your "How to make a magic wand as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I looked at your title, it was a hook it could be better, but it does work as is. Next I moved on to the description. Now your title and your description do not quite match up. Here is what reader saw; first you saw his daughters, then you tell us we are going to make a wand it can be confusing. As I pondered this dilemma it occurred to me to just change the title. Here is a suggestion on the change "A Magic Wand." Now why would you want to change the title? Two reasons one it now goes with your description and two you now have a great plot twist. Your first sentence/paragraph is quite a hook and it drew me right in.

I was impressed with your story and your idea of it. In fact I followed your instructions and made one myself and here is a picture of it: ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I think the picture should be enough to tell you how well the story was written and believable it is. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you interject your story about the wand as we go though the wand creation process by this talking wand. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I figured out the real plot was the wands history which I am not going to give away. You all are just going to have to read it and see. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I really like the way you developed your main and how he talking directly to the reader. That is a very hard style of writing to do. Any mistake with it and the reader is gone. You did an excellent job with this style of writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting You know I never did get an impression of exactly where we were as the wand told his story. You left it open for the reader to fill in the blanks. Since I love exploring and discovery I pictured this all taking place in an old dusty cobwebbed tome of medieval design. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The conflict in this is subtle and very creative good job Jimminy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Quite a build up to this piece of information but it was well worth the reading to see it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You did an excellent job of using dialog to tell your story. It was the main story telling device. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation You always do a great job with this in both parts. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation *CheckB*
Don’t let you Wand be stolen like I was stolen. <--- You should be your. (You wrote this so well my reader kept putting the r in for me automatically so this is very hard to find.)

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please, keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Breach
I am reviewing your "From The Breach: Chapter 1: Dragons. These are my observations about your work. Keep what you like and forget or ignore the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok fist thing I went looking for the hook in the title what I found was confusion. First off what is RTB? When your not using the book function in the upgraded and premium accounts. Here is what was explained to me when I did something similar. First Always put your book title here. You have the chapter name in the body as well that is the best place for it. I know this is chapter one but we really need the book name as the title. If I was an editor looking for items to publish I would pass this up because if your not proud of your book title then you will not be of your writing. Now understand an editor will use this to eliminate items from their search the same as they do on submissions. Your title has to be a hook because you have three chances to hook the publisher those are title, description, and first sentence / paragraph.

Your description is good and a hook, but when we went to look at your presentation it is all run together your presentation is not good. Now let's discuss this
presentation has two parts. Part one is how well does the author present their text to the reader. The human eyes need a rest and they use the line feeds and paragraph indents for this you have no line spacing it is all one mass of text. The publisher is going to pass as well as most other readers. Who wants a splitting headache from eye strain. Some suggestions on improvement edit the static sheet and put a line space after each paragraph and dialog paragraphs. Indent it and let's add some color to your title in the text body. Put this in instead of the way you have it. {font:verdana}{center}{size:5}{c:blue}{b}Chapter 1 Dragons{/b}{/c}{/size}{/center}{size:3.5} Now delete what you had and cut and paste this in its place. Now please go through and put in the line spaces most people on the site don't indent so you really don't have to if you don't want to. A good example is look at your favorite book and copy the way the author did it in the book.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace The pace went fairly fast I can see part of the plot starting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters We met two I am thinking they both are mains for now with Branston as the main and Faldashir as a submain. It will be interesting in how they both interact in chapter two. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You did this well I had no problem seeing their world around me as they moved about. you do your scenes and imagery well in this chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes I'm not sure what your over all theme is, but in this chapter you can feel the gloom and resolution to never go back to the one king. So far this chapter is one of gloom and desperation. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The main emotion is fear. the mood is one of fear and gloom. The atmosphere is one of desperation to live and escape. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Your consistency is great but your structure is off because everything is all ran together. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I didn't find one error your writing is very good.
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!)
*CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I liked your story once I got past the no line spacing. It read well held my interest and kept me reading it until the end. That is good writing in any ones book. Now as another help. I found this gem {indent} it does the paragraph indent for you. All you have to do to get it put in correctly is type that in once and then copy it and paste it at the start of each new paragraph, pretty easy to do and it really saves time. The other help is when transferring from a word processor document double space it first then transfer it over and it will transfer over correctly with a single line space after each paragraph. You have an interesting story line I would buy this and look forward to reading it. But please add the line spacing lol sorry I just couldn't resist.*CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this chapter with me. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll Gang.





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review of Lost at Sea  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Blake
I am reviewing your "Lost at Sea as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Ok, let's start with the title I see where you were going with it, but as a hook to draw me into your story it needs work. As a suggestion try "Lost in the Sea of Life." Now on to the description I liked it and it was a great hook. The first sentence I felt like it was a bit too descriptive. I learned a way to remember how to use description as well as plot and scene and that trick is, "What is inside a woman's purse?"

Yes, I understand you are going what the heck is this weirdo doing. The secret to my trick is this we all know what is inside a woman's purse. It works for descriptions as well. We all know what a nice sunny day at a beach looks like what we don't know is what is important from this sentence we need to know for the plot. Or what item your putting in the purse that we don't already know about.

I know your doing show more then tell but my point is what part of the sea and the beach is important to the plot. Remember every reader has a beach scene in our heads we just need enough to lead us to our memory. No one wants to be jerked along and told to see your memory of the beach. I truly feel the only thing wrong with your writing is your a little over descriptive in places. That is what I found wrong with the story. Your story is a five it reads well, but it also gives me a feeling it can be better than it is. The over description is the only flaw I could find. my honest opinion is this is ready to be published, but there is something more it needs and that was my impression after I read it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I liked how you intro duced the two men and how they both had something to grieve over. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I like the two boats in the sea example and how you tied them into the ending really good job great plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You did a great job with the main characters I had no problem visualizing both men. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Very good setting it enhanced and aided the plot and the story as a whole. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The main conflict is both mens life memories of the bad past each had to endure. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax When the Main showed the other man he was alone with his grief. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You use your dialog well and it was very good writing showing both men and their weaknesses. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation You had no mistakes you past both sections with flying colors. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Doll Gang.


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20
20
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear chas98
I am reviewing your "Moving to Oregon: A biploar journey. These are my observations about your work. Use what helps you the best and ignore or forget the rest.

*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction I want you to know I read this all the way through for two reasons one I was interested in the story matter and two I agreed to do this. After loosing a sentence that needed correction I finally see why we do novels or novella as chapters. I also realize the fun your going to have finding those sentences to correct them in this large body of text. I had a hard time reading this even with my being interested. It drags and is slow reading and the smaller sized text areas made that even worse. Please set the size to {size:3.5} and also set the {font:verdana} this will made a big difference in the way it reads. Also, large paragraphs create eye strain, you need to break some of those big ones up into three or six sentence paragraphs, those will do nicely. Remember to you this is all great and wonderful, but to a reader or publisher your trying to get interested in your work, these little things matter. I noticed you do the same thing I do I make on instead of one why we both like to leave the 'e' off I'm still trying to figure out? Also we both like big paragraphs, but a publisher friend of mine explained that the best size is three to six sentences for printing and readers so I'm just passing on a bit of learning experience to you.

Sorry for all the negative at first here is the positive. Your title is a great hook, it will grab attention and draw the reader into the description. I found the description a hook as well. But I know it could be better. However, it works as is. The first sentence is not a hook, but the first paragraph is. Some feel the first sentence has to be a hook some feel the first paragraph has to be the hook. I personally feel you need both and as a writer and in control of my writing I always "make it so." We all have different styles and ways of doing things so your not wrong with what you did. It works fine as is. As a suggestion only when writing this type of material you need all the hooks you can get here. Not only at the start but in every paragraph and action change. Because this subject matter gets boring fast if you do not keep it interesting and keep using hooks. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace Like any large work it has fast and slow spots unfortunately it has more slow spots than fast. I'm not really sure on the plot if it was the confrontation of mother to get her to quit drinking or the events leading up to the move to Oregon and going through the farm. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You have a few mostly family and some friends with some college buds. One of the things I have been warned about is using too many characters. However, I do not feel you did what I do. I feel you have exactly enough for what your story requires. Although I was expecting to see some sexual tension with all the females you introduced. Don't take this wrong it was part of what kept the reader interested is to see if he gets a girlfriend. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery At any point in the story did I feel you over described any of your scenes. I felt you did a really good job of giving just enough for the reader to fill in and move on. You are always spot on with your imagery to my reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes The main theme or moral of the story is "The evil of Alcoholism." It stayed dominate through out the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotion changes with every paragraph hard to see just one main emotion. But the mood is one of recovery and of fitting in. The Atmosphere is one of finally seeing the ones you love most get the help they need. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency You have sections where your text went smaller making it hard to read. Writing ML does this when transferring word docs with different fonts in it than default. To fix this look for the {size:2.5} and change it to {size:3.5} of just delete them. If you want to use fonts You can do {{font: and it will drop down a list that Wrriting NL will allow you to use.

You have part of a paragraph broken up as if it were speech. This the first place you do this there is a second place as well further on down from here:

correlated, so this holistic

approach to health for both mind and body is essential to our collective wellbeing. Going back out into

the world without all the essential life skills is considered pointless, and our leader stresses that the

process starts with what we put in our bodies. After ten days, I start to feel rejuvenated in a good way,

and it's time to head back in town for my second therapy session. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
I brought on hobby from my old school to my new school. <--- I have no idea what you are trying to say here. This sentence drops the reader out of the story going "What The heck" since it is miss leading and hard to figure it out I would recommend dropping it.

There is a sentence that has "in time in time" and you only need one. It lies in the text between these two errors. I lost it when mt laptop screwed up. Sorry.

I thought it was cool. My sister was my listening ear for all my future plans, only I sensed later that she wasn't really listening and wasn't really qualified to good advice anyway. <--- You left out the word give. "qualified to give good advice anyway."

I can remember seeing an ad for Jim Beam on TV on day and having the uncontrollable urge to go to Kentucky and burn down the factory. <---- Look at "Jim Beam on TV on day and" Change on to one and then it makes sense.

Would like some more tea. <---- My question is would Who like some more tea? Wouldn't "you" sound much better in that sentence? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I like what your doing here it is a good story. But like any real life or non fiction writing it can get boring in the slow places. That was why I stressed every paragraph be a hook. I think your doing a great job of writing this. I wouldn't mind helping you in reviewing the next edit or two. But please break the really big paragraphs up so I don't get the pounding headache from eye strain. Also if you need help with the writing ML I am always happy to help out. I actually used to program in it and understand how it works quite well. This was quite a challenge to finish, but I am glad I did, it taught me a few things. *CheckB*

Thank you for sharing this much of your book. I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this. Please keep on writing.

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of The Paper Doll Gang.







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of I: Wraith  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Ɉ£®əϻӲ - Medical Hiatus
I am reviewing your "I: Wraith. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok I learned something about naming conventions. I had named one of my races the Kareashinja. Since the name is alien I thought I could get away with using it all over my first book. The truth is it is hard for the reader at first glance to pronounce and as such, it is a distraction. If the names are too difficult then we will forget them thus making it hard for us to identify with your characters and races. To solve my issue I changed their name to the Jaria. Notice the real difference now? You can identify with it and it is easy to pronounce now that will stick with your readers. What I am trying to say is your names are too long, hard to remember and keep track of thus making the reader want to skip it all. One good tip is nicknames you first introduce the reader to the full-length name then explain that they like to be called something five or six letters and make it catchy so the reader will not forget it.

I understand you are trying to draw me into your world, but you're throwing strange words all over the place for common words. I understand what you're doing, but I had to learn this lesson the hard way too. It is like trying to speak Scottish in your dialog. You put in all the heavy baroque and no one understands a word you just wrote. I was going to suggest you write a dictionary on all your words so when your description leaves us wanting we have a way to figure it out. But the truth is in this scene you are over describing it with your fantasy language. The reader will stop reading and go read something else. Have you ever read something that had so many descriptions in it that you lost the point the author was trying to make? To be honest, what you want to do is stress the sand storm is much longer this year than normal and leave it at that.

Now you are introducing all kinds of magical items and people this is good, but remember it is like a woman's purse. The only thing we need to know about what is in the woman's purse is what is specific to the plot and nothing else.

Most publishers hate prologs with good reason. They are flat out boring for the most part. I noticed you're trying hard to make this one interesting and tell a needed plot point that the reader needs to know before they start in on the real story. I tried that on my first book when I forgot to introduce the enemy to the reader. My editor said it was best to just make it the first chapter thus avoiding the prologue part altogether. I did and it works. Some stories you can flash back to parts of this inside the main story and that will work as well. Publishers when they see Prologue they don't even go any father and auto-reject it. I'm just passing on to you some of the interesting things I have learned the hard way.

Now having said all of the above which some people will take as a downer. Your story has great merit and you have a great imagination. I can see what you're trying to describe in my mind and if you're like me I write about the picture in my mind of each scene. My real problem is I can never describe it word for word because then I take away the readers right to use their imagination and fill it in with what they want or are familiar with that makes it interesting to them. You are doing a great job at story telling and after the first four paragraphs, it starts to get real interesting. This is the point that it grabs me and draws me fully into your world.

Now what I suggest to generate the hook is change the name from "Prologue: Wraith" to just "The Wraith." Your description is okay but it needs to be a hook to get us readers interested in finding out more. It is a good start, but it isn't part of the plot which it should be. Remember with publishers they want your first five thousand words so Title and description are critical as hooks to get them to read it. Also, drop all the Revision out of your descriptions the best place for them is at the end of the story text of each chapter. I found some publishers like to know this, but only after they have read the chapters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace With most novels one chapter doesn't give you the plot but I was seeing the build up for a major confrontation. which may or may not be the main plot. The point that we cannot be sure is a good hook. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You introduced us to one of the main council leaders in her older years. Her guard and her ward. You told us about a child of interest and your evil enemy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery Once you get past the first section the rest of the scenes work quite well and even with the new names for things we can guess what you are referring too without confusion. I understand you are trying to make it alien and yet familiar at the same time. This kind of writing is very hard to do. Once we got past the first six paragraphics your writing gells and now things make sense and nothing is confusing. I like that you finally shorten Khem's name, but you should do it in the first paragraph. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes I noticed several themes in this section of writing. First, we have good against evil and next, we have feelings pushing us to worry about the guard. Then we have magic and its effects or power. Then the next is women guarding and protecting children. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with multiple themes they suit the writing well. Common practice is to have one theme override all the others. If your main plot is about good against evil then you always want to overshadow it in every chapter. But still allow the other to be where you need them and there is nothing wrong with this. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere the emotions here is hatred and guarded feelings. The mood is one of big trouble coming. The atmosphere here is one feeling a danger coming to ruin their world. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Basicly your writing is error free and straight forward. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar Your grammar is great I couldn't find any errors. I would call your style of writing as descriptive. You pay a lot of attention to the small details of your characters. This sometimes can be overdone, but if you are aware of it then I know that you will continue to write great scenes and show us great images of your world. There is nothing wrong with this type of writing. I just wish I could do it as well as you do. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I enjoyed your story and how you painted the old lady as a magic user of limited power. I never did find the part that your description made reference to. I still feel you should change it. Once I got past the first section it read well and was no longer hard to understand. I still think you should use the regular terms, But hey once we got going they didn't distract from the story anymore because we now knew what they meant. The point for change becomes moot and not a good idea. I do know that long names distract from the reading and cause the reader to forget the character and what was important. Also, too many new names and changes for common things is making your work really alien and hard to understand. There are many ways to do this and have the desired results making the scene seem alien and not of our world. But the reader can picture it and not get hung up on our new terms. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your writing *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, this is just my opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is correct for your writing. *Exclaim*

Thank you for sharing your writing! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading your Prologue. Please keep on writing!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of The Paper Doll Gang.


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22
22
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Donkey Hoetay
I am reviewing your "Migdalia and The Life of Julian as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Interesting twist you gave to the story. I kind of suppected it a few paragraphs into the story. But I wasn't sure until the attack. I have learned alot about titles and your title is good but it can be better remember it needs to be a hook. Your intro is great and it does the job of hooking me into reading this story. However, that first sentence needs more pulling power in it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts You had quite a bit going on in the story and some of them kind of lead the reader astray as in a red herring. Very nicely done I enjoyed the cheating wife scene all though at the time I couldn't see the reason for it in the story other than good entertainment. I like the way you tied it together at the last part of the story. I liked the way you showed the reader it was a way for the father to get his back bone up and keep his resolve to his daughter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I loved the plot of this story and they way you twisted it around great job very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I enjoyed the character usage you did in the story I could relate to them all and they were used in such a way to enhace the story and bring it to life for me. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting I like the setting of this story It is a future scifi story with the chemical compound that could be used to go from ground to outerspace. Also it is supernatural and I liked the way you put it together Nothing like cross genre I enjoy those the best personally. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict You had several in here but the main plot one is the gunman. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog I enjoyed reading your dialog both between the daughter and the daughter to the reader as the narater. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation This is one of your best stories yet. You are getting the way they need to generate interest and also the entertainment value of keeping the reader entertained I busted a gut over the cheating wife's tailor. It was a great addition to the story I really enjoyed the tying up when we find the tailor out cold in his own shop. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation The only thing I noticed was several double spacing where you would put a ~~~ in it for a break. Also a one or two of them should be just a single space. That was the only thing I could see as an issue with the writing of this story. If there is any grammar or punctuation that is wrong It is written so well that I didn't pick up on it when I read it. *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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23
23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Xavier Kobel
I am reviewing your "Ch 6 Dinner with a Side Order of Mayhem. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction I took a look at this like most reviewers I scrolled to the end to get an idea how long it was(groan). I agreed to review it so I started in reading it first I went looking for errors or what would pull me out of your writing. Not only did I not find any, but soon I was at the end wanting more. Part of my initial groan was your chapter title. It wasn't a hook in fact it tells me what to expect and at first glance my reader goes "ho hum another murder mystery" boy, was he wrong. I really suggest you change it to "Dinner with a Nightmare." Or something that doesn't sound like another boring murder myster title. Remember this is what my reader's first impression is. I glad it was wrong and I finished reading it. This was well worth the read.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I picked up several clues that the dark one even as an unborn baby will protect himself and the mother. From the hints so far I figure he is going to be one really bad dude. Cannot wait to meet him. This read fantastic it was really well paced and it kept me glued to it until I ran out of words. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Your characters lived for me I could really see the sceen and feel the fear as your two bad guys went about their crime. Your main the mother Annette stayed consistant with what we learned of her from the previous chapters. I was glad to see you killed off her louse of a husband as you were painting him in the dinner. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You really did a great job with this chapter. I was their in that dinner and saw heard, felt and even could smell the cordite of the gun shots. Very nice writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes Your theme is dark showing the evil that men do. Also you are giving us a taste of what the Dark one will be like. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Emotions were raw with fear. The mood was dark and foreboding hinting at death. The atmosphere was filled with the fear of bloody, violent death. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Your structure was great your consistancy was great. You paid close attention to detains and that is what makes any chapter great. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I am enjoying your style you have what it takes to keep a reader glued to the chapter then leave them wanting more. What more could anyone want? I couldn't find any noticeable errors in the writing if there were any. You wrote it so well that my mind fixed it before I saw it as an error and that my friend is good writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I realize that what I read was a five-star chapter. It was that chapter title keeping it from a five-star. This chapter body is ready for the publisher. Normally I like to notice favorite lines in the writing but today the whole chapter was my favorite. I can see where this is going as a story. But with any good book the reader loves the journey on how we get to the climax. I see right now two possibilities. One the birth of the dark one or two when he comes of age or reaches his full potential. With humans, it is around age twenty-five with aliens that is up to the narrator (writer). That alone makes the journey interesting and us readers wanting to find out. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book chapter *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your book chapter. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this chapter with me! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more chapters just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of The Paper Doll, Dawg, and Dragon Gang, Newbie Academy Group, P.E.N.C.I.L., Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism Scissor Lizzard.


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24
24
Review of A safer Place  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear
I am reviewing your {item:} as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions An interesting twist on vacations. Nice job on that idea and how you presented it to us. First off I noticed three stars at the beginning. Get rid of them they are a typo at the start of a story. I noticed that your sticking with short paragraphs. At first, I did too. It wasn't until a publisher who review one of my short stories told me that it is ok to have five or six sentences in a paragraph, not one or two. Mind you this was from a publisher, I took his suggestion very seriously. I noticed that you have a few paragraphs missing the line spacing. This always happens to me when I transfer over a word doc to WDC. How you solve it is, add an extra line space at the end of each paragraph. Also, I add {indent} in front of each paragraph before I transfer the document. That when I still get one or two that blend together I know where it starts because of the indent. In this case, what I recommend is blend them together correctly and it will be great. Now title and description, your title is good and I feel it acts like a hook. I feel you need to change the description a little. The reason why is how we find plot and theme in a short story. You read the title and then you read the description. After that, you read the story to see how confused you get and you will if either one is off. A tip on short stories the plot is the theme. And the way a reviewer determines plot is title and description. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot The plot is the detective is lured into a new job with smoke and mirrows. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I could relate to the main character, but there at the last you threw in Susan. I think you need to change her name to something else or change the detective's ex-wife's name. Otherwise, we the reader confuse her with the ex-wife. It could be thought of as a consistency error. Now if she is supposed to be the detective's ex-wife then you need to state it earlier in the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Your setting were fine. I had no problems visualizing them at all. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The Vampire attacking the detective's ex-wife. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax When the Detective shoots the Villain. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog Your dialog was good. It advanced thew story and presented us with the twist in the plot. Really good job you did with that. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

There was bartender, not even a flirty waitress making the rounds with a carafe of cold coffee.<--- If you read this it is very confusing to the reader. You need to reword it a little. As a suggestion, I recommend "There was no bartender and not even a flirty waitress making the rounds with a carafe of cold coffee. *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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25
25
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Xavier Kobel
I am reviewing your "The Dark One Cometh Prologue. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok lets start with the title. "The Dark One Cometh" is a great title and it meets everything criteria for reader attraction. However, no one likes prologue especially publishers so drop it. Make this the first chapter and then have the Dark One alluding to it in the second chapter. Now your description works great for a short story ie the prologue. What you need is one that covers what the Dark One that cometh is coming for and or what the aftermath is. Remember you get four shots to draw interest to your book, the title, The description, the book cover, and the first sentence. What you show as a prologue should be the first chapter showing what happened and where our Dark One came from. It is important to the story and the plot. There are a few places you can embellish more to fill it in and add more reader interest to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace From your description the prologue was a short story. It meets the needs of a short story. That is why I recommend you change the description. You had your build up, you have a climax and a cooling off period short, but still there. For the most part, it reads well as a short story. It does need better reader attraction. As a suggestion I recommend you build up and flesh out your characters. Especially the couple that will bring the Dark One into the world. You see as part of a plot twist you build up unimportant characters to keep things interesting and to allow for surprises like if the Dark One murders both of them. In fact, that could make one heck of a second chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters As in most short stories you didn't do much to develop them which since it was a prologue is okay. But this is a book and the reader wants to meet the important characters in the first and second chapters this is why most people don't like prologues. They can confuse the reader a lot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery
It was as if the end had come, a generation decimated. Everyone (leader and losers alike) had been affected, if not by personal loss, then by acquaintance. <--- I understand what your trying to say here but for people who life has dragged down and they read your (leader and losers)they will not read any further. I highly recommend you don't make it about peoples feeling as much as a condition. as a suggestion so you understand what I am meaning. "(rich and poor)." You're still showing the same thing that you are basing it on. You are using conditions and not feelings. Somedays we feel like leaders as well as losers so you're not really giving a good reference. Some people may take offense so stay with traditional things that people can identify with. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes It is too early yet to get a handle on the theme of the story. However, you are setting the stage with a feeling of dread. so far the theme of the prologue is dread. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Your building up the sadness of a horrible loss of life and of children. Which is setting the stage of a Horror, Sci-Fi genre. The mood in this is dark and forboding good job on this. The atmosphere is that of dread the reader is wondering who or what is the Dark One? Is he going to finish the job the meteoroid started? Is he evil and mankind's destroyer? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency One thing I noticed that I had to stop doing in my dialog and that is breaking up each sentence with quotes. it confuses the reader because now we have to stop reading and figure out that the author wants us to see. The truth is you only need one set of quotes per paragraph of dialog. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
"Is everything ok?" A steady silence causes him to check if the cell has lost signal.("} Sweetie, have I lost you?" <--- Missing quote mark. Your style is good and you can paint quite a scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: Overall, I would read this book if you wrote it. I know you are doing it right and you are open and looking for good ideas. I believe you have quite a plot for one really good horror story in the sci-fi genre. I think it has great possibilities. It is creative and different. You have a new and different take here. I would love to read it and help you by reviewing your next chapters. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this chapter! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll, Dawg, and Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Scissor Lizard reviewer with the Art of Criticism.


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