The Run-on King PDG Member's (gungunwarrior) Reviews

The Run-on King PDG Member

Review Requests: OFF

459 Public Reviews Given

462 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.

I'm good at...

In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.

Favorite Genres

I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.

Least Favorite Genres

poetry

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

poetry

I will not review...

Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.

101

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3943445

Review of My time with Hannah.

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Lieks1997

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

My time with Hannah.

(E)
Being a foster ''parront'' at Brainy Birds - Parrot training and rescue facility.
#1971805 by Lieks1997

Welcome to WDC! You will find this site to be full of nice friendly people always willing to help. If you have questions or feeling lost please feel free to drop me an e-mail any time.

General Impressions

This was a nice story about meeting a parrot for the first time and some of the tricks to taking care of a parrot.

Favorite Parts

That's right. That cute little ball of feathers brought out the love in Hannah and for the first time, she approached me waiting for her treats. I like how the introduction of the second bird seemed to solve some of the problems dealing with the new bird.

Plot

With all short stories you determine plot by reading the title, description, and the story. Now you read it to see how confused you get. I wasn't confused at all. This means the title and description all matched your plot of telling us about your time with Hanna.

Characters

All I really know about Hanna was "She" was a parrot nothing more. No color, no what type of parrot he/she was etc... You gave even less about Toeksie. "That cute little ball of feathers." You don't need to do a shopping list but there was two or three really good places to give a single detail and it wouldn't have detracted from the story.

Setting

You did a really great job on your setting and background with this story.

Dialog

Since this was told as a first person it is all dialog you told your story very well. I was impressed with the work as a whole it read well.

Grammar and Spelling

2 Weeks before our journey begun, Hannah arrived at the rescue centre after her owner decided to move but couldn't (or wouldn't) take Hannah along with her.<---Numbers it should be Two not 2. Next it should be center not centre.

We brought her back home, set her cage in place,<--- Are we in a time warp? How can you bring her back when she has never been to your home? If you delete the word back it stops reader confusion. In that sentence you are specifically referring to Hanna who has never been to your home yet.

Presentation

I loved the colored title or chapter markers very nicely done. I am mostly reviewing your story as a reader. The first thing I noticed was in the description the use of "Parront." Before I was going to open mouth, insert foot, and bite down hard. I googled it. I found out it is a real word and means parent of a parrot. You were using it correctly. I wanted to point out that was a great way to entice readers to your story as well.

The only flaw with the story presentation was no indents on the paragraphs. I might be old fashion but to me these little things are what makes the difference between a pro and a novice. If you use {indent} and put it in the hidden note pad it is so easy to edit and insert it in.

One last tip if I may. What audience is this story intended for? When I read the ratings and expectations I always tried to keep my writing E. But E means children which is only maybe ten to twenty percent of the site. The rest of us will look for +13 or higher because we are adults. Use the ratings to target your audience.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

102

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14 days may be credited.

#3942918

Review of I'm not supposed to talk to you

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi there ! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing {bitem:}

General Impressions

I found your story cute and funny it was almost as if it was real. I enjoyed seeing how to tell a story in dialog. It read very well and it was a smooth reading. I think I read it over at least two or three times both for the review, for being a Grammar Nazi, and just because it was fun to read.

Favorite Parts

“I called someone a name at recess. I shouldn't be talking to you” I liked this part because you used it mid point and it leads right into the ending. Very nicely done!

Plot

You know plot can be tricky because you use the title, description and read the story and see how confused you get. I wasn't confused at all they both match and the story backs them up. Great job on sticking to your plot.

Characters

All Three characters are very believable you didn't over describe any of them. "Blonde haired Sherry sat in the first row dutifully working on the detention assignment."

Setting

"The two girls sat in the detention classroom." We always knew exactly where we were at all times. Very nice job.

Dialog

I really enjoyed how to told the whole story in dialog between the two girls. Really nice job.

Presentation

The only thing that could be better is line spacing between the speech lines. We are professionals we do what the pros do because you never really know who reads our work.

Grammar and Spelling

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

103

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3942602

Review of Princess of Hades - Chapter one

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie!

Dear eyeQ

I am reviewing your "Princess of Hades - Chapter one"

as a student in the "PDG Rockin' Review Academy" . These are just my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

I would like to take the time to welcome you to WDC. As you explore the site you will find a lot of nice people who are always willing to help you out. If I can help in anyway please feel free to ask.

General Impressions

You have an interesting concept with the dream. I think that this could be an interesting book.

Favorite Parts

It was scarier than any of my dreams I have ever seen these last years. I Liked this because it started to all make sense for me at that point.

Plot

This part can be confusing to alot of people even the reviewers. I hope this is a book ot novel then it would all make sense. To review a short story you take the title, the description and read the story and see how confused you get. But with a book you look for components of the plot again using title and description. since the first chapter was all back ground and starts leading up to the plot it is hard to say at this time I did see an element of it by the title.

Characters

I feel that you need to do a bit more on the guy and also on the main character going again by title that the girl is the main and the boy is a sub character. Most first chapters in a novel do a bit more detail by interaction with each other.

Setting

You doing setting well they are not over describeb also you adding a bit of mystery to them which is a great part hinting at the dream piece. Very good job on that part.

Dialog

Since it is all first person your doing good on telling us whats going on and where.

Presentation

I use this section to give some good tips that all of us need now and then. You have the ability and skills to be a great writer. To be a professional great writer you need to understand professionalism is an attitude it is not a degree handed to you. A professional would have read this work out loud and and fixed any mistake they could find. A professional would have used save and edit and edited in spacing and indents. A tip for indents is {indent} just cut and paste this in front of every paragraph. You should always make your work the best it can be. The reason is you never know who will read it. I noticed you rated it for your market good job on that.

Now since this is a piece of a larger work you really need your description to be the best part of the thing we see first. A contest judge taught me that trick. After all the description is what we look at to review so make it pull us into your book. It maybe the only thing a publisher looks at.

Grammar and Spelling

{size:5}A Dream<--- To use Writing ML it reminds me of a programing language called Pascal. In Pascal you use{} to make it work correctly. What you did was inserted the {B} between the 5 and its ending }. The best way is {size:5}{b}A Dream{/b}{/size}.

That night I had a strange feeling, a feeling if as I was lost among the dark clouds and shadows. <--- I have a dyslexic key board so typing can be interesting at times. I am always forced to reread every sentence before moving on to the next sentence. Your sentence is fine except the part in red and underlined you should reverse it to read "as if" when you do the whole sentence will flow.

Only then when I began to hear some voices and as it was calling someone, and was getting nearer to me.<--- You use this too many times same as I used to do in my writing. It is a time issue the correct use is to not use it at all, a good rule of thumb is one per chapter. The other point is some of those should actually be "than."

That wasn't a frightening voice but the thing which I scared of was running of some strange people towards me.<---When I read this I went "What! Run that by me again." I still don't have a clue what your really trying to convey in that sentence. I would suggest to use your muse and redo it.

I said to the doctor as I if was very worried, he replied "Don't worry boy" and smiled.<---Your pausing and continuing writing but your not going back and rereading your work. A simple mistake we all do it. One of the best tricks to fix these and other errors is simply read it out loud before saving it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

104

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941807

Review of Happy Birthday

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Nabbit

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Happy Birthday

(13+)
A little girl gets a fantastic present for her birthday.
#1971104 by Nabbit

Welcome to WDC. I'm sure you read this before. I really do mean it. There are some really nice people here who want to help you and very willing to answer questions. I will always be happy to help and do what I can.

General Impressions

That was an interesting take on an infomercial spoof. It was not quite what I was expecting from the title or the description and the rating and genre didn't give it away either. Still I read it all the way through it was nicely done a great read for a Friday. I loved the plot twist you did.

Favorite Parts

"Tired of the flabby fat beneath your chin? Try La Guillotine today, and it will zap your fat away! La Guillotine was and crafted by the most prestigious black smiths of France, so it will be able to handle all of your needs instantaneously! One, two, three, and thunk!"
I love that piece of description this the first place you set it up in the story I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because I want everyone else to read the story it is worth the reading time!

Plot On a short story I use the title, description and read the story to see how confused I get. Your story, title and description all match up. You really did a great job on it. The only thing I would suggest is the story type really is Scary/Horror and Dark as well. They will not give it away but will attract more readers as well. As an author know your markets and you want all the exposure you can get. I would also add Action / Adventure and Sci-Fi as well. If you run out of boxes use the type in box and add those in there so the website search engine will que your work when us bored and just want to read something new authors can find your work.

Characters You actually did your characters very well. They developed as the story went along. You did a very good job on that part.

Setting All though finding a mall open at 6:30am seems a bit much. But hey writers license it could happen.

Dialog Your dialog was done well it advanced the story and the plot great job.

Presentation Now is the part that as an author we are always in a hurry to get our work reviewed. We tend to forget that we are professionals. Being a professional is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. Even a work in progress should shine, be correctly formatted, correctly spaced, and indented. After all you never really know who will read your work looking for ideas. Always be the professional you are with all your work because it is what sells you.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

105

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941377

Review of Treasure of Gold

Review by The Run-on King...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there Brenna

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Treasure of Gold

(E)
A kid finds a treasure
#1970991 by Brenna

General Impressions

I found your story cute and your correct a child would think and behave that way. I think you did agood job on tell your story.

Favorite Parts

Then it hit me i can dig a deep hole in the ground no one will find it there. I dug up a deep hole and dropped the rock into it. Yup just like a kid. I like the way you told this section of your story.

Plot

One of the ways we review for plot is compare the title with the description and see how confused we get when we read the story. I wasn't confused because they matched. you did a good job on all of it.

Characters

You did a great job on your characters. they were not over described and well rounded.

Setting

You did well on your settings. But it would have been better if we knew where he was digging the holes at like a flowerbed around the house or a garden in the back yard. That would have added to the story and is always nice to know.

Dialog

Since this is all first person it all is dialog and you used it well to tell the story and advance the plot.

Presentation

I am taking the time to share some tips that show the professional from the novice. First tip professionalism is an attitude not a degree someone gives you. Second tip always read your work out loud before the final save. Third tip a professional always capitalizes their I's, spaces between paragraphs, uses indents, and never allows other people to see it until they have made sure it is their best work. You write like a professional would, you do need to pretty up your work like the pro you really are!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

106

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941311

Review of A sharp lesson

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Gurglesound

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A sharp lesson

(E)
Kinda a gender-reversed version of "Goodbye Violet", with some of my own take.
#1970960 by Gurglesound

Welcome to WDC. I hope you enjoy your stay here as well as all the nice people you will meet. If there is any way I can help please feel free to ask me.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

Interesting take on the blueberry scene. Very nicely done. I loved the movie and my kids did as well i was forced to watch it a lot. I still like it and you did a great job of bring that scene alive today.

Favorite Parts

Personally, I'd much rather die than endure this kind of public humiliation... Vince thought to himself. But it serves you right! I liked the way you worded and emphasized it. Very nicely done.

Plot

I like the irony in the title and your description match as well as the body of the story. You followed the plot correctly. I did enjoy the way you twisted a few things to make it work better.

Characters

You did a great job on your characters. You gave us enough description to let us make the person come alive. I didn't notice over description on them at all. I did like some of inner tension on some of the characters as they interacted with each other.

Setting

You set up the stage quite well I had no problem remembering that room in the movie you did an awesome job of description. I found no over description on any of it.

Dialog

You made great use of the dialog to bring your story to life as well as advance the plot. "You think I'm stupid enough to believe that? I'm not missing out on this rare opportunity, and I'm NOT afraid of any of your small mishaps." Idiots! Side-effects on these kinda things never affect anyone, anyway. I picked this one because it is a good example of what I said earlier.

If there was any grammar errors or miss spelling I couldn't find them and I did read it through more then once. It flowed well and nothing jumped out to me as wrong. I gave it a five star rating you did a great job on it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

107

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941224

Review of Finding Luna

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there chloemaner

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Finding Luna

(E)
One night in Los Angeles,a 13 year old girl Amanda finds a dog that will soon be hers.
#1970903 by chloemaner

Welcome to WDC

General Impressions

I thought your story was cute. More like a real life story very nicely done.

Favorite Parts

"She had probably suffered neglection. "Well, don't worry little girl, your life is starting over on a better note." I said. Luna wagged her tail and jumped on my chest. I giggled with joy and laughter as she licked my face." I like this part because you did such a good job of showing the little girl with her new dog. You really did a great job.

Plot

We normally check title and description and read the story and see how confused we get. There was no confusion because it all was as you promised. Your plot matched the title and description. Great job!

Characters

You did a great job on describing your characters. You didn't over describe them but you left us lots of area to use our imagination.

Setting

You did a great job on your setting where all the action took place. I always knew where we were and I didn't have it over described great job on that.

Dialog

You did use the dialog well in this to advance your plot.

Now I want to take some time to explain something we sometimes do not pay attention to and that is how our writing looks to others. When an other author reads your work you want it at its best. If your computer doesn't have a spell checker you can use the site to do it for you. Since your new to the site finding out to edit an uploaded document isn't that easy. The trick to it is up load it save and edit or if you didn't use that feature just click on the e-mail and click back on your portfolio. It will bring up the edit button. Professional writers use spell checking as well as spacing and capitalization. Also look for punctuation, correct spacing, and indenting. You worked hard on your story you want it to show you are a professional. Being a professional is an attitude not some degree someone gives you. Remember your an artist with words, always take time to make it pretty. You never know who will read it.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

108

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941203

Review of Take a Bite: Introduction

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi there Elizabeth Leerman

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Take a Bite: Introduction

(13+)
A bite from an apple can bring more to life than imagined, and the Devil knew this.
#1970820 by Elizabeth Leerman

General Impressions

You know at first I wasn't sure about it. The title was interesting the description was not what I was hoping for. I like to read so I started in and your very good it grabbed me into it and I just had to finish it and it left me wanting to know more so I would say that this is a great start!

Favorite Parts

For the sake of not spoiling it. I will not cut and paste the whole article here. The whole piece was my favorite.

Plot

Like any part of a larger work it may or may not contain plot elements. Going by the title the young lady is working up to a plot point. The interesting thing about this is I am left with two ideas. Idea one she has become a vampire. Idea two she is working up where as my teenagers all tell each other to "Bite Me" to a fairy or fantasy creature and is cursed. I'm probably wrong but that is the ideas I draw given the title and description and the story.

Characters

"My name is Amelia Gilbert; I am sixteen years old and a junior in high school. My life is ordinary… correction: was ordinary. I went to church irregularly, much to the disappointment of my parents, and to my pleasure." I really like this girl you introduced me to. You didn't make her a natural super hero just a normal teenager. That is what makes this so interesting to me.

Setting

You know I still have no clue where she is at right now, and I don't really care, because soon it will all come clear when I get into the chapter.

Dialog

It was all dialog great job of involving the reader with the dialog.

I hung out with my friends, ate pizza and had movie nights on Fridays, went out on disastrous dates with boys that made me stutter. <--- That last word it would sound and read better if it was shudder. Stutter takes us males in an unwanted area.

I gave this a five star rating because It was a great read and I would read more of it if you decide to continue it. Also it really was excellently done!

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

109

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3940955

Review of A Courageous Emptiness

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Joanna Ogan

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A Courageous Emptiness

(E)
There's more to a soldier than the external bravery.
#1970716 by Joanna Ogan

Welcome to WDC. I hope your settling in and finding all the fun things to see and do. Also don't forget all the nice people.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I read your piece all the way through. It flowed well, I could associate with you on this mostly it the reason I went to Vietnam but it was for four children not just one. I did have a rough time with some of the descriptions at times it looked like you were describing cancer or a life killing illness.

Favorite Parts

If only she could see me now—boy, would she be impressed, I think. She’ll tell her friends, ‘Look! That’s my mommy standing there looking brave in her uniform. Look at her! Isn’t she beautiful? Isn’t she strong? That’s my mommy. I like this part because it what every parent would think about their little ones. You did a great job of installing those feelings and what we think our kids think at times.

Plot

I have learned to compare title, description and story contents to decide on plot or lack of one. I think you did all that you described in title and your description. I'll sum it up as the reason we fight. It is interesting that the women fight for the children, the men fight for the women and their children.

Characters

You did a great job on both mom and the daughter. I like the part of her trying to get at the camera you did a great job I don't feel you over describe them.

Setting

Having the Drill Sargent tap on the window reminded me of the old Marine Quonset huts they had at MCRD. We got to stay in for a week during basic training.

Dialog

Since your telling it as first person it is all dialog. You used it well to advance your point of how a woman feels about being in the military and holding her daughter dear to her heart.

That’s my mommy.’<--- This is the only error in the whole piece. I only found it by accident. I don't hold it against you lol I'm just showing you where it is at so you can fix it before the Grammar Nazi finds it.

The ache is almost unbearable—this choking, gasping, throat closing emotion that consumes me every waking minute; silent, body wracking sobs with enough force that my body curls over into itself and I come up gasping for air. <-- This part when I first read it I thought she had cancer. It wasn't until I got down to the camera part that it finally sunk through my Neanderthal brain that you were describing a woman's loss of her child. At first the thoughts were going on was this cancer? Or was she hit with a shell in Afghanistan? I'm not even sure this is bad. I'm just telling you what was pulling me around as I read this part of your work. It also made me want to find out why she was in such pain. I'm only going out of my way to tell you this in case it wasn't the effect you really wanted at the beginning.

I still think your story was a four star I found it informative and interesting. You did a lot of involving the reader. There was a few places it could read better but I don't have the skills yet to suggest ways to improve those areas.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

110

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3940217

Review of Hi MOM I love you

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Robert

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Hi MOM I love you

(E)
Answer to my wife's question, "do I still love her."
#1970401 by Robert

Welcome to WDC I hope your settling in making new friends and enjoying the nice people here.

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I thank you for sharing that love filled letter to your wife. I seem to be on an emotional joy ride today. I just reviewed a poem that stirred up the sad memories of my fist wife and our divorce and the death of my mother since they happened closely together. As I explained to the other author you never know what your work does to other people until they review it and tell you. Don't be upset because my mothers death was a god send. She was already dead but the hospital refused to let her body die. And as for my divorce three months later I got all four kids. Getting those four kids was the best thing that ever happened to me! I remarried and feel the same way you do about my second wife.

Favorite Parts

At that moment I looked into the magic of your eyes and I promise that I love you now and I always will, TODAY, TOMORROW AND BEYOND. I know most of us husbands feel this deeply about our wives. We just get so used to the day to day routine we forget to show them where our heart of hearts really is.

Errors

Please allow me to show you this. Your title and the start of your letter do not match your description. When a reader or reviewer first look at it we see "Mom" at first glance at deciding to read this. The use of "Mom" I know is your special term for her. To be honest I call my wife mom as well since we have a lot of kids together. But it also confuses the reader at first glance I thought this was your real mother you were writing to until I got to the middle parts oops. Remember your audience the childless married couples or single people will associate "mom" with mother. My only suggestion to stop the reader confusion would be use her real first name in place of mom in the title and at the letter start. There is no other errors to even worry about. I didn't notice any that stand out or any bad grammar or miss spellings. I still rate this as an excellent work from the heart. I gave it five stars and I thank you so very much for sharing it with us.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

111

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14 days may be credited.

#3936330

Review of A long way to go

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi there Artie

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

A long way to go

(E)
Short shots contest entry. A couple peculiar figures begin their journey.
#1968830 by Artie

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I enjoyed this little story. I liked the way you described the differences like the hint "rises to his feet beside the taller human." That told me that Griffith was not human but something else. Now my curiosity was peeked I wanted to know if it was an alien or what. So I read the whole story. I found it a cute short short story and thought it was well written. I wish I could write that well.

Favorite Parts

A heavy grunt escapes him and his hands claw at the rock face for a supporting ledge. His feet aim to find purchase on the rock face. With a push upwards he's pressing his fingers to the rough stone and aiding himself in rising to stand tall. He brings up his arm to wipe the trailing beads of sweat from his face on his red sweatshirt sleeve. "Wow.." Breathes the teen and a smile tugs at his lips at what stood before him. "I can see a long ways on the horizon up here. Griffith come on, look - Griffith?" The reason this is my favorite part is I loved the way you described the rock climbing and the way we would do it was very good descriptive writing doing show me rather then tell me.

Plot

I gather the plot is about the human and the elf doing deliveries this does match your title well. But I felt I needed more in the description as well. I'm finding we really don't need to put contest entry in our descriptions as much as we want to really sell the reviewers and the readers on our work.

Characters

I love the way you developed the characters you didn't over describe them but added to them as we read more that has to be one of the best writing techniques around.

Setting

I loved how you used the show us technique on it from the boulder top and slowly added to it. Very nicely done.

Dialog

"Come along human! I thought you were the one leading. Or has the follower become the leader?" I loved how you used the dialog to advance the plot as well entertain the reader.

A journey in which more bonds would be made and who knows, perhaps paths will cross and this little elf wont have to go back home with the month was up?<----This part of the sentence doesn't make sense a suggestion would be "home when the month was up?"

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

112

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14 days may be credited.

#3936156

Review of On Fiercest Winds

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Hi there acceptthemystery

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Invalid Item

This item number is not valid.
#3936106 by Not Available.

General Impressions

I liked your idea on death. It does seem more dignified. The real truth is who wants to die alone?

Favorite Parts

Katie's garden hot-air balloon is framed against the slate-grey sky. The canvas is a sea of different greens, of trees and plants and grass. Dotted around it are subtle flashes of colour: flowers, glinting sunlight, even the occasional beetle. It's a beautiful balloon, nestled against a backdrop of tall orchard trees.

Plot

I like the idea of love forbidden between the two. Your title doesn't really quite go with the story since the plot isn't about wind it's about forbidden love with a plot twist now the description is right on for the story. I like the twist and the ending great job.

Characters

Jonah is struggling to tell her all though you don't really tell us why it is forbidden to tell her since she is dying? You did a great job on show us the reader your character's. You didn't over describe or do a lot or repeating.

Setting

You did a great job on show us the reader your world through your character's eyes. You didn't over describe or do a lot or repeating. This was some of the best descriptive writing I have seen.

Dialog

You used your dialog well to paint your plot advances and show us the interplay between the woman and the man.
“It's not going to be a beetle,” Katie said.

“You're coming around to my piratisms then?”

“Two things.”

“Yes?”

“One, it's going to be a garden.”

I smiled. “That's good,” I said. “That's you.”

“I hope so,” Katie said.

“Two?”

“Two, there's no such word as piratisms.”

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

113

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14 days may be credited.

#3936106

Review of The Perfect Mom vs Super Mom

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hi there KittyLB9

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Perfect Mom vs Super Mom

(E)
I updated this, but its a great thought I want to share and get input on it.
#1968727 by KittyLB9

General Impressions

This reminds of the time I used notepad to write in. Since I have a dyslexic keyboard my text was pretty strange to read and it had no spell checker. I liked the idea behind your short story. But isn't it a must to show the world a professional piece. Even Super Mom would agree that we always do and show our best.

Favorite Parts

Its a title you have earned, you have cried, sweated and bled for it. Own it. Enjoy it!
You know this is so very true I agree on this point. I really like your truth about super mom nice way to point it out.

Plot

I like the way you built up on this idea the super mom is a title not a state of being perfect that all moms aspire to work for. Now some points of interest your title was true to the plot but your description started out pretty good but you used it not to advertize the piece so much as to try and get reviews. True you want your description to do that but you want it to sell your story not be a commercial.

I don't know about you, but most people have grown to hate commercials. Because they have this annoying habit of playing right at the best part of the movie, show, or sitcom. Its a term called obtrusive advertizing. I really hate it and for a writer trying to become a professional like mom is trying to be super mom. An editor would not read this kind of work based on that description.

Characters

We learned a lot about you from the piece. You didn't over describe yourself it was very nicely done.

Setting

You did well on setting as well no over descriptions.

Dialog

Since this was all first person it was all dialog and you did well on advancing the plot as well as describing those wonderful traits moms have.

Okay now to show you a trick I learned this site uses Writer ML it is an online word processor with spell checking built in for those of us who cannot afford Micro Soft products for word processing. Or other expensive software. when you upload your static item and save it you can go back into your portfolio and click the edit button. If words are underlined with red you can right click them and the spell checker will help you with choices just pick the correct one.

As the 2013 holiday season has reached its apex, and I have rushed around trying to do way more then(should be than) is good for me, I had an aphany.(should be epiphany) We have all made a grave mistake! Every time we hear Super Mom we think The Perfect Mom. Even I made this mistake. The Perfect Mom is like the Holy Grail, we've all heard the stories of it, the glories and wonders of it, and many of us have almost killed ourselves trying to gain it, but I dont (should be don't) know of anyone who ever actaully(should be actually) gained either. Super Moms are something else though, something more real and easier to reach. Super Moms are more like Super Heros.(should be Heroes) Right down to the tramatic(should be traumatic) life changing moment thats(should be that's) in every good back story. You remember the moment, I bet you ever remember the exact date, a few of us even remember the exact time! The moment you brought your first baby into the world, when you became Mom.(not a complete sentence needs rewriting) Since then you have learned to do all manner of things that are beyound(should be beyond) the reach of many. There is little you cant do one handed, on almost no sleep, while someone repeatedly calls your name in the background. Is your house always spotless? Nope. You're not Perfect, you are Super Mom. But most the Moms I knwo(should be know) can clean the mean parts of their house in the 30 mins between when they get the call someone is on the way over and when they are at your door. You are the one that takes care of every other member of your house hold, no matter how sick you might be at the time. Meals get made, things get clean, projects get done, errends(should be errands) get run, kids get cared for. No matter how little sleep you have, no matter how sick you are, no matter how bad Mother Nature kicks you once a month, you keep going. You move on, you get things done. If that isnt(should be isn't) Super, I dont(should be don't) know what is. Its(should be It's) not always perfect, its(should be it's) not always when you want it done, and yes there are things that slip through the cracks. But you arent(should be aren't) perfect, and that is ok. Why? Cause you are Super Mom. Its a title you have earned, you have cried, sweated and bled for it. Own it. Enjoy it!

Notes: Always remember spelling and punctuation count when your working to be a professional. A suggestion is follow the 'its' rule it's = it is and its = possessive.

It is okay to abbreviate but spell checkers like the one on the website will highlight ok and mins according to it ok = okay and you should spell out minutes. But to be honest if you right click them and select add to the dictionary on each one it will leave them alone after that.

I did this to show you that as a writer this is our art the forming of words in creative ways. This is a good work but you want it to shine. Please use my suggestions or any other reviewers suggestions and make this work shine. You owe it to the other moms out there and to yourself.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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#3935861

Review of When you understand you can't go back ho

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi there cmmacneil

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

When you understand you can't go back ho

(18+)
That moment you understand the house you visit isn't your home anymore
#1968607 by cmmacneil

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

My impressions are that this a good piece of writing. you were blunt to the point and totally honest about your life. You have been abused and also the street life isn't the best thing to grow up under but neither was what your father did.

Favorite Parts

In my advice today to alcoholics who are still drinking and reach out to me for help, I warn them that they still have much to lose when they tell me they have nothing left to lose. If they have kids and a spouse, yes, I say, they have more to lose than they realize and, once they are lost, even if a reconciliation comes somewhere down the road, some of us cannot go back home.
I like the way you tell them the full truth. The sad part is loosing what they have their family. Most of us sometimes do understand this, because we have never experienced this type of loss yet. I have been divorced and that is pretty close to it.

Plot

Okay I need to point this out so you can understand why you want this. Your title isn't bad just too long you could just drop home from it because ho doesn't look very professional. Your description finished it up for you and was excellent. Your plot was great telling us why your title and description was put in place. They all describe your story plot very well.

Characters

You did a great job on showing the reader more then telling us. Thus your characters were not over described.

Setting

Your settings were done the same way very good writing.

Dialog

Your dialog advanced the plot forward and since it was all first person it pretty much was all dialog anyway.

Now rating is very important here at WDC any piece that has drinking, swearing, and violence in it has be changed to ASR. Now don't get upset like I did over the word kill. The truth is you want it rated up there because most of your market isn't below 13 anyway. You really want the adults. As writers we should use the rating system as a way to target our reading markets just as you would as a professional writer does. I'm not the Word Nazi but as a pro we should always be aware of our markets.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

115

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14 days may be credited.

#3935695

Review of Your New Lifestyle

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi there Lynn

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Your New Lifestyle

(E)
Positive Thinking
#1968620 by Lynn

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I see you have read the book as well and taken it's teachings to heart. I read your whole work as a story since it is not a letter or a advertisement I will review it as a story in the reader prospective.

Favorite Parts

Do not allow anyone to make decisions for you. You can do that by yourself. Try as many positive solutions as you can. If you do not succeed, try and try again.. Wake up!

Plot

From what I read is to tell people how to stay positive.

Characters

Just the first person telling this information.

Setting

the setting is the readers mind and how it should react to the information given.

Dialog

It is all dialog for the most part very well done but there are few things that could use some work.

There is no room for critizcism and anger of

others.<---First if you don't use a word processor with spell checker the WriterML will do it for you onsite. To use it after you up load your static item save it. I click on my portfolio link and find the new item and click on the edit button off to your right. Your spacing is way off as well causing this example of what I read. I think it would read better this way: "There is no room for criticism and anger of others."

This way

you can move toward realistic goals. Just change your way of thinking and all those negative emotions

will disappear <---Your period after disappears is missing probably do to the double spacing I stopped doing that on a static uploads it always screws everything up. All this could be fixed by using the edit button also.

Your life is in control., <--- This sentence doesn't make sense. Here are some suggestions: "You are in control of your life." also add "Don't let life control you!"

In conclusion the reason I am showing you all of this. Is because I did like what you had to say but as a writer as well as any professional they pay attention to detail. In order to see you succeed I am trying to help you with being a professional. Presentation is all about selling and getting sold as a writer. If we install good practices now while we are still learning, then being a pro will come natural to you. As you grow out of being a newbie. My real point to all this is: Would you ever see Steven King ever post a work like the way you did? If the answer is no, now you know why I'm telling you this.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

116

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3935611

Review of Erotic Proclivities 02

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hi there wastor64

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Erotic Proclivities 02

(18+)
A Heavenly Body on Her Way to Court
#1968574 by wastor64

General Impressions

My general inpression was I would like to meet this lady as well.

Favorite Parts

She wore medium grey wool slacks over her lovely long lean legs. They showed the curve of her beautifully. The molded perfectly to the upper curves of her bottom. The slacks cascaded down tapering as they went and accented the curve of the back of her thighs and calves before ending at her black pumps.

She also wore a powder blue sweater, soft and luxurious, with a cashmere feel. The neck was low enough to hint at the cleavage further down, and high enough to be modest by most social standards. The soft material draped over her breasts only accented the firm roundness of her c cups. The bottom of her sweater was snug against her slim waist and hugged the slight curve of her hips. She certainly had an eye for picking an outfit that flattered her curves while maintaining the air of propriety.
Very nice descriptive writing you sure make us older men want more and also wish we were the one seeing this lovely lady. That was very nicely done very tasteful. One of the best jobs I have read.

Plot

If the plot in this exercise of Erotic Proclivities was to exercise the description of this young lady with sexual desires then yes you hit it on the head. but your introduction description could have been a lot better. To give you an idea of what I'm trying to show you is this: "She appeared right there at the bus stop." Vers "Heavenly body going to court." Which story would you pick to read about from those descriptions?

Characters

You did a wonderful job of the main character of the story the hot lady but you over described the male story teller. I'll explain more on this below.

Setting

I could picture a bus stop but it ended as soon as you got into the lady. Your describing of her made me as the reader forget about the settings and just focus on the lady. Who cares about the setting when you have such beauty standing next to you.

Dialog

Since the whole story was dialog you used it well to advance your plot and use the first person in a manor that was very nicely done. Great Job!

and I was attired in my customary black sacks and shoes, with a pressed, white, cotton, French cuff dress shirt with gold scrimshaw cufflinks. With this I wore a red paisley bow tie and black waistcoat. I completed my outfit with a brown hound’s-tooth tweed jacket.
As promised the description of why I was concerned and the male description. It reads like a shopping list. You had my full attention to him at the "works at the men's wear shop." Then you hit me with all that clever touch of male clothing which doesn't advance the plot and distracts me. I already had the man's sharp dressed outfit pictured in my mind. Now you drop me out of showing and force me in to telling mode. To be honest you could actually cut that section out of the story, and it would read a lot better. The other half of the coin is if you had described your male like you did the female. It would have added a lot more spice to the story, not that I'm into gay or anything. My point is who are your readers that your directing your art to? If half or more of them are female, give them some eye candy too! Another suggestion would be to have the hot lady describe the hot man.

She slipped it no, and ran her hands through her shoulder length hair.<--- Shouldn't 'no' be 'on'?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

117

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14 days may be credited.

#3935181

Review of Erotic Haiku 03

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi there wastor64

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie of The Talent Pond! I am reviewing

Erotic Haiku 03

(13+)
last one I promise!
#1968302 by wastor64

Personal Impression

It reminded me of one of my eleven children. It is a kind of a cute way to express sex.

Tone & Mood

The tone of this work is that of self satisfaction and the price you pay if your not careful and respect your partner.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Since it isn't a rhyming work this doesn't apply. It does follow the Haiku form and it flows well.

Emotional Impact

Invoked memories of the intimate times I and my wife have spent together.

Grammar/Punctuation

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You are being reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

118

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3935178

Review of Powers of Thought, Where Could You Go?

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Waldecam

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Powers of Thought, Where Could You Go?

(E)
She is more powerful than anyone but her dares to comprehend.
#1968352 by Waldecam

Welcome to WDC. Nice to be able to review your work. If you have questions or need help please feel free to ask everyone here is happy to help.

General Impressions

Very nice piece of short fiction. I felt as a reader it was very well done very easy to read.

Favorite Parts

My favorite part was: I closed my eyes and pondered just a bit too long and hard. I thought about if the earth could feel me laying on it, and then why I was laying on it at all. Why didn't I just float away, high into the sky, never to be found again. I thought about all the magical adventures I could have, flying about the galaxy. I imagined myself rising up off of the prickly grass and smelling the wind in my face and feeling my stomach rise with the happening of weightlessness.

Plot

Your title and your description match your plot. They don't mislead the reader at all.

Characters

You do you character well. not over describing just enough that the reader can fill in the blanks.

Setting

You did your setting well very nicely done.

Dialog

It was all dialog since it was told in first person. You did a great job.

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

119

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934939

Review of The Quest

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Talent Pond

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there Devashish

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Quest

(E)
Its an honourable story of a teen living in a town. MUST READ
#1968217 by Devashish

General Impressions

I like the story it was funny and cute. I decided to just review it as a reader and not as a grammar Nazi. So I will not be pointing out any grammar errors. Also I noticed the writing was an Asian boy trying to write in English. So some of the wording is weird to native Americans. I am not going to suggest the changes because I like the piece as it is. I gave it a four star rating because of the grammar errors thus not perfect. But it isn't run of the mill either.

Favorite Parts

My favorite part was: I was dam happy ran to home. Saw the message I had her reply after a whole year Ok it was "I must not say but story has a lot of grammatical mistakes. It has no base line. Even though I liked it very much and I am eager to read its end."
I felt like I was seeing a review from some of the authors on WDC. I found it very funny and glad you have such a great sense of humor.

Plot

Typical boy meets girl, boy obsesses with girl until can date girl. You worked this plot into your story well. I think you even used some of the bad grammar to bring this plot to life. Which I found extremely amusing.

Characters

I felt you did the characters well. I did have problems as a reader with mum and tuition I think you need to redo it because as a reader It stopped the story and left me with a huge puzzle on who paid it did mom or a friend or did the boy?

Setting

I had no problems with settings. You never over described and you were able to give enough to always picture where I was at in any given place in the story.

Dialog

You did dialog well using it to advance the plot. I liked:
She asked "You still use Facebook or not?"
ME-"Anh! Yes I occasionally do"
SHE-"I reviewed your book on and sended it to u on Facebook."
ME-"Thank.." (She left)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

"You have been reviewed by a Newbie Member of The Talent Pond."

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

120

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934931

Review of The day before Christmas

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Mravce

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The day before Christmas

(E)
How Christmas makes me feel
#1968226 by Mravce

General Impressions

I love your view of Christmas Eve day and evening. What a joy you had growing up with those kind of memories to draw from. I think that is the real magic of Christmas is the joyful memories we all get to remember. Of the love and the giving, thank you so very much for sharing a beautiful day with us.

Favorite Parts

My favorite part was: Shhh, listen a snowflake just touched the ground! The season of joy has arrived!! Quick, come over here, look outside it is magical! Christmas lights are lighting up as dusk tip-toes its way around the town. And these beautiful white crystals are dancing away to the Christmas carols, uniting as they reach a surface, piling up, giving everything a round shape. Come see how the night glows, come smell the smoke from the chimneys, come take my hand and let the snow crunch beneath your feet. Can you hear it, can you hear Santa's sleigh? Can you hear the bells, his Ho Ho Ho's, can you smell the cookies? Isn't it beautiful, all this happiness, gratefulness and selflessness? Let the magic take you away, let it play with you like kids with red cheeks on a cold winter's day. Let it hit you like a snowball out of nowhere, let it splash all over you, let it go down your back and make your spine shiver! And then let it warm you up like a crispy fireplace, a gulp of hot chocolate, a fuzzy blanket, a pair of worn gloves...

Plot

I felt the plot of your writing was the feelings and memories we all have on Christmas Eve and your did a beautiful job describing it.

Characters

There was only one character and it was you describing your memories. Great job on showing us your great memories.

Setting

You described the town and house hold well. You were bring the view outside my window of the snowy fields alive. Very nicely done!

Dialog

It was all dialog I really enjoyed the ending:
Shhh, listen a wish just flew by! The season of dreams has arrived! Quick come over here, look inside it is peaceful!! Children are tucked in as their minds behind their closed eyes make their way to wonderland. And these bundles of thoughts are carried away by the eagerness of tomorrow morning, wrapping up as they float all the way beneath the Christmas tree, putting a smile on every child's face. Come see how the lights go off, come look at heads sinking in pillows, come climb in bed and let the covers engulf your body. Can you remember it, can you remember the letter to Santa? Can you remember your childhood wish, your favorite toy, can you taste the warm milk? Isn't it beautiful, all this carelessness, warmth and innocence? Let the peacefulness take you away, let it make you sleepy like a bedtime story from your mother's lips. Let it hug you like your favorite teddy bear, let it press on you tightly, let it feel soft and fluffy and make you feel safe. And then let it make you fall into deep sleep like the last spark in the fireplace, the filament in the last Christmas light, a baby bear deep in its cave, an impatient child on Christmas' eve...

I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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14 days may be credited.

#3934918

Review of Unfair

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi there Joy Hardiman

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

Unfair

(E)
A little rant of things I want to say and feel shame about.
#1968230 by Joy Hardiman

Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner

Personal Impression

You know some days I feel just like that. If your religious it would be "Why me lord?" But alas it will still be the same we're stuck with this hand we are dealt. As my drill instructor would say, "Boo Hoo! Get over it. Bends and Thrusts for ever! Ready! Exercise!" This part below sums me up as well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning
Under the pressure I know so well
There's no-one ready to save me
No hands to catch me
No air to breathe
Just my futile hopes and dreams
Because of the excellent job you have done with this poem I give you a five star rating.

Tone & Mood

I felt the tone was set really well. It set the mood of someone doing soul searching. You have set your stage well we can feel your feeling and we can relate to them as well.
It's not fair
Nothing's really fair
But I feel
Fate's given me a worse hand than most
At this metaphorical game of life
I have no cards left and have been lying for so long

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Your are using a form of poetry I have only seen once. I remember what I saw and your doing it correctly as far as I can tell, very nicely done. It does flow very well. I enjoyed the feel of it. As well as how well it flowed when I read the whole thing. This part was really well done!
I want to be strong
I want to be pretty
I want to be normal
I want my friends to be my friends
I want my life to not screw me round
Is that so much too ask for?

Emotional Impact

We are always wondering why can't we just be allowed to be our real selves? You know sometimes when I look at my "real self" I am glad things don't allow me to be a real insensitive jerk I could be.

Grammar/Punctuation

You know the really challenging part is trying to find bad grammar in this poem. You did such a good job in writing it that if there is any I'm not going to catch it.
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor but it is true!)

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a Paper Dragon Gang Newbie review

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

122

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3934739

Review of For You

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi there CarpeNoctem

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

For You

(E)
About giving everything you have to be with someone who doesn't even know you exist.
#1968118 by CarpeNoctem

Personal Impression

I see a woman who is in a selfish relationship. With some jerk of a man, who has mounted her on his trophy wall.

Tone & Mood

You set your mood as a woman begging this creep to be her partner. I can feel her heart breaking and the pain in her.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

You were very good in your rhyming until that last stanza. From and flow was great for the whole work.

Emotional Impact

I could feel her heart breaking, and as a male what I wouldn't do to find a woman like that. So willing to give all for the one she loves.

Grammar/Punctuation

I want you to read out loud this stanza. The rest of the poem was awesome but this part is a big oops.
I can't so this anymore, its killing me, <--- Shouldn't 'so' be do?
Waiting for a day when you'll really see.
So when you finally want me, I'll be gone.
I'm tired of breaking for you, I'm done. <--- You need to redo these lines they don't rhyme, it messes up your whole symmetry. Some suggestions for example:
So when you finally want me, I'll not be a pawn.
I'm tired of breaking for you, I'm gone.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

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The Run-on King PDG Member

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123

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3933904

Review of The Hangman

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there Robert Knight

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

The Hangman

(13+)
A man gets hanged.
#1967542 by Robert Knight

General Impressions

Robert I enjoyed your story. You use descriptive writing very well. I feel threatened, it looks like your trying to take my title from me. "The Run-on King." But since this is a short story I do have you beat because I have two novels full of run-ons.

Favorite Parts

Lord Beltaire slowly steps back to the doorway and pulls the doors open to see the prisoner's limp body hanging like a pathetic dead sack. The crowd slowly disperses, the entertainment had ceased and the hangman is preparing to remove the corpse. The man had a family. The man had a life and a vision for the future. Lord Beltaire stares off into the air, looking back at his father's great castle, his great accomplishments, his great victory over life. He gained such a victory as to accumulate so much, such a victory as to prosper with so much. And when he died, he left it all to his only son, grateful and loving towards the only mentor he had ever had. And he remembers him with that painting.
I like this part because it tells me what your doing in the story.

Plot

I gather your plot was how we like to kill off the ones who know what they want out of life while the seething masses just live on their pointless lives.

Characters

From the reader's point of view I felt I didn't get to know the person being hanged. I felt there was some connection to Lord Beltaire. Other than an object for the hate of knowing where your going really doesn't tell me anything about the dead man.

Setting

You painted your setting really well. I had no problems visualizing them. I noticed you went to great lengths to tell us more about the feelings of our surroundings. They were the better parts.

Dialog

"Seems like today, there's just less and less of you". He rests the body in the back of his wagon and the horse pats the ground with its hooves, clacking against the cold ground.
You used your dialog well, and it advanced your plot good job.

Lord Beltaire stands behind his white polished railing bearing his eyes upon the center square in front of the Testle Market, just south of the great fountain that stands along the side of Lord Hamerson's manor. His fingers tightly fold behind his back and his arms cling to his sides as a man in raggedy patched cloths is lead up to the platform. The tall wooden beams sway slightly in the wind that carries the Fall leaves up like little birds flying away, their small wings shimmering in light reds and brownish yellows in contrast against the grainy stone and white marble in the center square. A quick chill runs down Lord Beltaire's skin and crawls out through the sleeves of his coat, the white frills sticking out to warm his arms which tighten behind his back as the roughly clothed man is masked by a dimly thick sack. The wind rushes in behind Lord Beltaire and through the double doors to fill the room.

Okay this is the hard part I want you to read this paragraph out loud, and notice where you pause and where you bulk at. Those places are where you need to either place a comma or put a period. This is one of the best written set of run-ons I have ever found. The reason I'm taking time and showing you this. With the heavy descriptive writing that you do. If you run five sentences into one, your reader stops reading, and goes someplace else to read. Without the correct punctuation your writing is clunky, slow reading, and hard to find what your trying to tell us. If you would go back in and put the correct spacing in your work when you upload it. This too really helps the reader. Remember your an artist with words and with any artist we take pride in our work. Salesman ship is everything as well. Good spacing, punctuation, and the beautiful way you write will see you go far. I didn't find one misspelling in this piece. Now if I could just get that good myself.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!!!

This is a review from "Invalid Item" !

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

124

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3933321

Review of Who's Out There?

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi there brin

! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie of The Paper Dragon Gang! I am reviewing

Who's Out There?

(18+)
A lone traveler is baffled by strange sounds in the night.
#1967591 by brin

PDG motto: "Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."

General Impressions

I enjoyed your story. It was written as if you experienced it yourself. I liked your writing style. I felt like I was reading a professional piece and not newbie work.

Favorite Parts

We’d been married for forty one happy years and then one day she was gone. I stayed in the house for almost a year after she passed but somehow it just wasn’t quite right anymore, being there without her I mean. The kids were all grown and gone and I had a steady retirement check coming in complete with all of the bells and whistles. One day I realized the walls were starting to close in on me and I knew it was time to leave and so I did.
I liked this piece for two reasons you did a really good job of involving us with your character and you set a plot hook into us that makes us want to find out more about this character.

Plot

You did the best job of keeping my interest in the story as you built up to the finding the ghost and the road side marker. I would have liked to known more about the ghost but that's just the reader curiosity in me lol.

Characters

You did one of the best jobs ever building up the description of the main character. It was like you were describing yourself. You did it slowly not just doing a data dump on the reader. I enjoy the stories I read when they are not over described.

Setting

You know what is really funny is the road you were traveling down from Kemmer to I-80 I used to drive truck over a lot. I was servicing the oil and gas wells in that area. I was stationed out of Rock Springs, Wyoming. I never saw those trees except going across the Wyoming, Idaho boarder. But hey writer's license. I'm just giving you a bad time. A point could be made since from Labarge, Wyoming to I-80 is nothing but sagebrush, your setting could have been off. But the average Joe reader wouldn't know this. Back to reader, I found the setting very believable and to some degree close to real life. You did a great job of bringing your settings to life.

Dialog

Since this was all dialog because it was told in first person great job. You used the descriptions and your travel log well to advance your story and plot. You wrote it so well it is almost as if this was a real event and really happened. Very nice job.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a newbie of the Paper Dragon Gang.

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

125

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3933084

Review of how about my pride

Review by The Run-on King...

In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi there pearleid

}! "Gasp!" your being reviewed by a newbie! I am reviewing

how about my pride

(13+)
what many women feel
#1967452 by pearleid

Personal Impression

This is an interesting piece. What drew me to it was your visual shape of the body of your words and the spacing if you look at it. You will notice it is shaped like a woman minus the head part. It pretty much is exactly what most men first look at on a woman.

Tone & Mood

I found your mood that of a woman getting her heart wrenched out by some heartless jerk.

Rhyme, Form & Flow

Since this is free form I'm not looking for rhyme. The flow is well, it reads easy and it does flow from line to line.

Emotional Impact

It makes me sad this guy has this lady's heart and all he wants is just her body. That really is cruel and just plain selfish. One of these days he might wake up and realize what he lost. Then spend the rest of his life trying to find it again.

Grammar/Punctuation

As with most poetry punctuation is where the author wants it lol. Personally I see no reason to fault a writer for using more than one exclamation point to drive a point home or draw attention to a plot point.

The only issue I have with your poem is the silly description. Let's look at it for a few if I may. I am going to explain this from the readers point of view not from a writers point of view. Okay title = "how about my pride." Notice you didn't take any pride in the way you presented your title and that is great it is telling us a lot all ready about the poem. Now the description = "what many women fell." I feel from the readers point that is a huge oops. Again no pride in it. I feel it has either a typo or your referring to something like Eve's fall from the garden, which by the way isn't referenced in the poem. Now the statement "what many women feel" really makes more sense and does add to the poem. It also adds to the imagery that the title set for us as well. You know it is kinda weird to get so worked up over such a silly thing. The truth is with poetry your messing with feelings and imagery it can effect the readers this way. Please fix it. This would have been a 5 star review your poem is that good.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "Invalid Item"

!

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The Run-on King PDG Member

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .