You wrote a good poem in less than the required 8 lines maximum. The content is also quite good, making the reader feel your lost of control from heartache and grief. Overall, this is a nicely done poem. However, the line breaks seemed strange to me. They made the poem jerky to me.
I'd suggest:
heartache and grief weigh me down
just like that day at the beach
when a wave overtook me
and pounded me into the sand
and wouldn't let me up to breathe
in spite of how hard I fought
to break the surface[.]
Lover of music animals and drawing >>>> What are music animals? OR did you mean Lover of music, animals, and drawing
Who fins happiness in swimming >>> fins happiness OR finds
The African-Violets t(h)at bloom all over
And large from parents = ???
I'm from NE and mountai(n)s
Piis out of the pod and pineapples >>>>> Pii or Peas
From the speeding on the highway
The snowstorm and the car wrecks >>>> What does I'm from car wrecks mean?
all lays quietly. ??? all lie quietly
Hidden i(n)side rocks
Sunken i(n)side a pirate ship
Full of large words that [is] (are) written in a dictionary
Soon, after the full moon comes out (f)rom
I looked ove(r) to the meadow
a turquoise dragon laned on me. >>> laned ??
As to content, I enjoyed "Poetry is..." and "Silent Night" the most. You have potential. Keep writing!
This is an entertaining childhood story. I enjoyed the read.
The one major problem I had with it technically was that you switch from past tense in the first two paragraphs to the present tense for the third paragraph:
my pants got caught on a nail, the window came down on me and I'm stuck! >>>> I am stuck is present tense. You changed from describing the experience in the past tense to using the present tense here and then continue in the present tense. Was this done on purpose?
kindly helps my sister and [I](me) out ..... helps me
embarrassing, one of too many moments[,] I wish never[ed] happened., but still laugh over
A bit of reworking would greatly improve this piece.
Overall, this is well written to tell the tale of how misguided those who conducted the Salem witch hunt were. It held my interest and was entertaining, with a nice twist at the end.
I did find a few items for you to consider:
All of this was [all] their fault!
Our new Governor Phillips[,] set up a special Court
[The] Governor Phillips introduced
God’s [J](j)ustice shall prevail
first official execution[,] and our first triumph
townspeople had opposed [to] the trials[,](;) they even went so far
This short piece made interesting reading about how the past has to deal with the future. I enjoyed it, BUT there are entirely too many errors in such a short piece.
After commas (and periods) a space is required before the next word. It may be a formatting issue, but this piece has numerous places where you need a space. I indicated this throughout by ().
Also, you need to consider:
the fo(u)rth generation of my father(')s family
years.()My skills revolve around my occupation (as ? -- cowboy, cattle rancher, sheep herder, ?).
part of (my) daily routine.
An old log house,()heated from the winter's cold by a wood-burning stove(,) is called home.
Along with the old,()there is
that a horse(')s feet
The house is old(,) but it has made
have their places(,) and most recently after a long,()fought battle the computer made [it's](its) way >>>> long, fought battle makes little sense. Either a long battle OR a long, hard-fought battle
to be paid,()in one form or another(,) for the future develop[e]ment righ(t)s
This was a warm and touching story. You obviously are someone who loves animals. I enjoyed this gentle story very much.
Overall, it is written quite well. I found only a few items to bring to your attention:
the light in my front room was on(,) leaving parts of the room in darkness. As was my nightly habit, a quick [body] count of my cats >>> A body count to my mind refers to counting the dead bodies. You count live cats; so I'd omit the 'body' here.
as I quickly opened the window(,) all the while hoping he would
was the cats' dry cat food(,) but close behind were
was a strawberry(-)topped cheesecake pudding.
in an old(,) bent frying pan,
word must have gotten out(,) for each spring new possums
Your poem has good content. However, it has too many unnecessary words. Plus it would benefit from having punctuation.
I've been crushed(,)
[And I've been] bruised(,
[I've been] broken(,)
And amused(.)
Life has its ups
And [life has] its downs(.)
Reworked:
I've been crushed, bruised,
broken, and amused.
Life has its ups
and its downs.
Life has a lot(.)
Look at what you('ve) got(.)
You have your family and your friends(.)
Not everything needs to come to an end(.)
There will be bad days
And there will be good days(,)
For the Lord my God has his ways(.)
Three of your last five lines are much longer than the remaining lines in the poem. This detracts from the poem.
You have a great message here. However, the delivery could use some reworking.
First, should the title be Pearl of Wisdom or Pearls of Wisdom? There seems to be numerous pearls here.
Learn to trust, even a little bit, belly intelligent. >>> I'm not sure what "belly intelligent" is. If this means trust your "gut instinct", shouldn't it be "belly intelligence"?
Wet and wild. Sparkling coloured flower
open seven days, red carpet,
bliss is not too dear. No fear.
>>>>> This stanza seems too disjointed to me. Should there be a comma after flower? Otherwise it reads "...Sparkling coloured flower
open seven days, red carpet," or flower open. Should flowers be plural? One flower cannot make a red carpet by itself.
The last stanza breaks format by having 4 lines instead of 3 as the previous two stanzas.
You have done well creating a poem using only "phrases ripped out of the Woman's Weekly".
I guess some "roughness" in the read is to be expected. Therefore, I am rating this a 4.5 in spite of my comments above.
Overall, this is well done. You told a good story using only dialogue. I could see two children on Halloween night walking through the scary woods.
The one place I thought you could have been stronger is at the end where Sammy enters the cabin and turns the light on. If Peter is waiting to scare her wearing a beast mask, I think he'd have growled loudly at her first sight of him instead of his saying "Surprise".
You worked all the required items into this write rather well and managed to tell a small story as well.
For such a short piece, I found quite a number of items for your consideration:
A young woman sat in her lonely apartment(,) her only companion a stuffed
The next day he (had) said he
She hated her birthday(;)[,] it had brought nothing
help ease her mother(')s pain.
Sighing, she blew out the candle and(,)pulling off the wrapper, ate a small piece (of cupcake). >>> This reads as though she ate a small piece of the wrapper.
in her mouth(,) and, wrinkling
“Well(,) sitting here isn’t going to solve anything(.)[,] I need to
to her feet(,) and(,) putting the bear back on the bed(,) she grabbed
I don't think you need a comma after these lines:
As I touch my toe to the water,
I wonder with trepidation,
A voyage of deep emotion,
Will it be a safe travel,
or will I be your Ariadne,
>>>>>> Removing these commas will aid the flow of the poem.
neither of which can claim. >>> ?? This left me confused. Neither can claim what? I know you want an end word so that all three stanzas' end words will rhyme, but 'claim' is confusing to me.
Wow! I loved this. What a great story, what great use of repetition in telling the story, what great imagery used! I think this is wonderful as is. I have no suggestions for improving it. Great piece of writing.
I loved the content of the poem. The punctuation at present is mystifying in purpose.
The first two stanzas are not complete sentences, yet you have three periods, whereas you have no period in the last stanza. Since the lines are so short and the stanzas are phrases and not sentences, maybe it would be better to not use periods at all.
I find neither you nor your poem the least bit scary! I loved the content of the poem.
I do have a few suggestions for you to consider:
brings happiness[,] >>>> no comma needed here
and makes
love is never demanding[;](, is) treasured in every way.
(It w)[W]hispers sweet love songs in the wind[,]
>>>>> Needs a subject (It) to make into a complete sentence.
a feeling that has only grew. ???? has grew ? has grown. I know you wanted to rhyme 'grew' with 'you' in line two, but maybe this would work better:
line 2 = Tell me that you love me; my heart belongs to you (alone).
line 4 = a feeling that has only grown.
This was a technically well written piece; I have no suggestions for changes. The content was also good. I was left wondering about the age of the boy and his sister. He seems much too clever to think mall Santas are fakes and yet still believe in a real Santa. Other than that, I enjoyed this piece. Well done!
Overall, a nicely written piece that is quite reflective and thought-provoking. I like the content.
I have a few items for you to consider:
Pining for things that are not to be[.](--)
These are the things that destroy a life(,)
To know oneself and one's destiny, the part one is to play - is divine. >>> This line's length is too long compared to lines in the first stanza.
It allows for growth[,](;)it allows for life.
Effort is purposeful, no longer wasted(.)[--]
When you find your melody(,) the [U](u)niverse can sing along and
Bring you to that which is necessary[.]
Very nicely written! This flows well and captures the 'music' of love quite well.
A few suggestions for your consideration:
[A](a) slow, sensual >>>> part of a sentence, no need to capitalize a.
Touching, caressing. >>> The only line not part of a sentence at present.
Beating hearts
quicken.
Maybe make this:
Touching, caressing(,)[.]
(our) [B](b)eating hearts
quicken.
Is the Isis here the Egyptian God of Fertility Isis? I remain a bit confused to whom your Divine Mother Isis is referring. This acrostic poem needs more punctuation to help with the reading. Now you have only one comma (Entrances my entire being,). Why not use complete punctuation throughout? For instance,
My heart and mind
Overrun each other,
Telling me many things at once.
Her voice
Entrances my entire being,
Rapt in my hearing.
OR
My heart and mind
Overrun each other.
Telling me many things at once,
Her voice
Entrances my entire being,
Rapt in my hearing.
Punctuation will tell the reader how you intended it to be read.
Deep in my heart
I hear a calling.
Voice unfamiliar,
I wonder what or who.
Never in my dreams an
Emotional awakening as this >>>> These last two lines are not a complete sentence or thought. The remainder of the poem forms complete sentences throughout.
Overall, you have done a good job with this acrostic poem. However, some slight reworking would improve it.
This story was entertaining and overall well-written. I identified with this situation since I have the same problem with a neighbor's cat killing birds at my feeders. Blasted cats!
I did find a few items for you to consider:
is extremely bright(,) and this was becoming
between my daughter and (me)[I ](ha, ha!)(,) my nine(-)year(-)old son was
the poor(,) tormented soul
This tiny(,) petrified bunny
Within an arm(')s length
this poor(,) little one
Unfortunately(,) they were closed
Barnes & Noble. Maybe they could help. >>>> Need space between paragraphs OR continue on this same line<<<<
I called and spoke with one of the volunteers
Overall, this piece is technically well-written. Oddly enough, the only place I had any problem was the very first sentence:
I am l[a]ying flat against the earthy grass. >>>> lying, not laying. Also, "earthy grass". What other kind of grass does one encounter besides "earthy"?
I remained unsure just how the other person in this story helped you shine, which was the object of the story. This was confusing for me. Otherwise, you describe the scene well.
This is a heartfelt prayer, with good content. I have some suggestions that I 'd like you to consider:
Are you out there[;](,)
listening, hearing,
receiving [of ] my prayer?
(space)
Please give me some sign[,](;)
tell me that you care.
Let me know the hope I hold,
my faith is not in vain[,](.)
Let me see inside my heart[,]
an ending to this pain.
(space)
In a world so filled with dark,
anger and despair,
[J](j)ust a sign to prove my faith[,]
and (to) show me that you're there. >>> This is not a complete sentence. Maybe:
In a world so filled with dark,
anger and despair,
I'd welcome a sign to prove my faith[,]
and (to) show me that you're there.
Overall, I found this letter to be well-written. The capitalization used in the title confused me, however. "A Letter to my Soul From my Mind" -- Why capitalize From but not my?
The punctuation in this sentence is incorrect at present: "You and I go through the exact same experiences in this life, yet you possess the ability to remain calm and trusting whereas I sometimes lose sight of my faith and feel helpless."
>>>> My suggestion:
You and I go through the exact same experiences in this life[, y](. Y)et you possess the ability to remain calm and trusting(,) whereas I sometimes lose sight of my faith and feel helpless.
This poem cries out for proper punctuation. The first two stanzas are both run-on sentences. The third stanza needs a comma after line 2, and still line three would be confusing.
"a symphony that enacts" Enacts what? Enacts means to pass a law, bill, etc or to represent in a play. What does it mean here? It appears to be there just for the rhyme.
Stanza four was also confusing:
I'm a life that needs to thrive
comfort, care and attention = awkward construction to achieve rhyme (thrive/alive)
Do you know that I'm alive?
I get your content here. With a bit of reworking, this poem could say it much better.
Cheers!
Harry
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I loved the content of the poem.