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101
101
Review of Lost From God  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Mommy of One ~

The content here is strong and reveals your devotion to God. The format and punctuation used in the poem detract from the success of the poem:

Instead of capitalizing every line, it would read much better to capitalize only the start of new sentences:

I'm lost in this world, >>> Insert I'm
so far from my eternal home.
Why, Father, am I going through life,
feeling like I'm so alone?

God, please show me who
it is You want me to be, >>>> comma instead of period
because right now(,) Father, >>> person addressed is set off with comma before and after name
who I am, I cannot see.

I am someone special, >>> comma, not period here
but to the world I am not,
and to me, I feel like a human pretzel. >>> This jars. Obviously pretzel is used just for the rhyme with special, i.e. it is a forced rhyme instead of feeling natural. It gives the image of your body all twisted up. If you want to keep pretzel, perhaps something like 'and my mind is twisted like a pretzel'.

My emotions are so jumbled. >>> Period here

is I love You(,) Father(;)[,] that's for sure. >>> You, Father; that's for sure.

[So] Can You help me please[?](,)
so I can be what You want me to be[.](,)
and so they can know You are true[.](,)
so they can finally see[.](,)

see that I am a (someone),

Or at least(,) Father,

Sorry to include so much of your poem in the review, but I wanted to demonstrate how you might consider reworking it.
I think you would have a greatly improved poem if you do.

Cheers!

Harry
102
102
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Grey Squirrel ~

This poem is interesting. Not too many poems does one read about the edge of the world. It was entertaining and fun. However, it became a bit repetitious, repeating the same idea toward the end.

(Plus, if few people leave the edge of the world but stay to relax and talk over tea, over time a significant proportion of the world's population would all live at the edge of the world, wouldn't they?)

I have one suggestion: Should you ever meet him(,) he will say,

Cheers!

Harry
103
103
Review of Regret  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Fyn ~

"Sometimes I regret being good." If you are talking about your writing ability, you most certainly are good! *Smile*

This is extremely well-written, quite entertaining, and a pleasure to read. You make the reader feel the passion unfulfilled between these two writers. You make the reader feel the regret as well. I truly enjoyed reading this!

Digger and angel:) quickly burned out the pages, >>> What's with the :) ?

His scots-aussie accent, >>> Wouldn't this be Scots-Aussie accent?

In true cyber/rt fashion >>> What is the 'rt' here?


Great piece of writing!

Cheers!

Harry
104
104
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, GWFrog ~

I think you have a very entertaining story here. It held my interest throughout. It is quite well-written overall. It will make an interesting story to continue. I was left wondering what would happen to Diamond next since he had completed his catching and punishing the gang that had killed his wife earlier. Will he become a deputy? Will he have a relationship with the girl at the bank held hostage? Will he become a bounty hunter? I certainly think you are on the right track.

One suggestion: You need more of a hook early on. Perhaps have him tell the the marshal in the second paragraph something more like: "I'll need to talk to you (about a possible bank hold-up) as soon as I get my horses unloaded."

Some minor editing items I noted while reading:

"Morning, [M](m)arshall,"

when [the] both the chestnut and the buckskin

shortly after dinner[,]and will both be working

end of the three(-)block(-)long business strip

a bright[ly](,) new(,) redbrick building facing the equally new(,) gray(,) granite court house

"I'm David Diamond, [S](s)heriff," // "No(,) [S](s)heriff," Diamond stated firmly, // There, [S](s)heriff, you ask a question only time can tell. I would have to answer, no, [S](s)heriff, I do not," he admitted. ----- Here and elsewhere throughout, no need to capitalize sheriff unless using as part of name Sheriff James.

showed concern[,] but not tension or excitement.

"Do I know [of an](with) absolute certainty?

if you got any left, [H](h)oney!" >>> honey - if not her given name

from a[n apparent] bullet hole in his calf. >>> What else would it be?


I give this a big thumbs-up!

Cheers!

Harry
105
105
Review of Doomed  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, garnetrocks ~

I like what you are trying to say here. It is a good idea for a poem. However, I don't think you said it very well.

Rocks cleave out to the summer sun, >>> Rocks cleave out?? Meaning is obscure to me.
Basking their cold hides >>> Rocks don't have hides but surfaces.
half- unsheathing the hard outcrops. >>>> Why are some lines capitalized, but others are not? Likewise:

All over the young Earth,
soft blades of grass flicker and tremble
By the warbling brook

The last stanzas needs periods at the end of its sentences.

The Farmhand >>>> farmhand

Pain seeps into my veins >>> my or his?

"Tender nature hides cruelty, society hides exploitation." from the summary: I did not see any examples of either in the poem.

With some reworking, this poem could be much improved.

Cheers!

Harry
106
106
Review of Our Moment  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Darkness Within ~

Overall, this is well written. It may be a bit overly dramatic and overstated for some tastes, but I enjoyed it. You describe the feelings of beings deeply in love with someone quite well.

I found this to be extremely well written technically. The only suggestion I have is this: We stare into each [others'](other's) eyes.

This is a nice piece.

Cheers!

Harry
107
107
Review of Dark Spaces  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Pat ~

This poem has good content and reads well, except that the punctuation used threw me off since there are periods after lines that are only sentence fragments, such as:

Whispered apologies not understood.
Tender face so sweet and forgiving.

In these four lines, the third line here seems to go with the first two lines, but the punctuation has it linked with the last line:

Disquieting memories threaten the peace
and easily slip into dark, hazy spaces.
Patiently waiting their turn to re-surface, >>>Does "their" refer to "memories" or "the rage"?? If rage, would need to be "its" instead of "their" <<<<<
the rage churns and boils, ready to be called forth.

Should this be:
Disquieting memories threaten the peace
and easily slip into dark, hazy spaces[.](,)
[P](p)atiently waiting their turn to re-surface(.)[,]
[t](T)he rage churns and boils, ready to be called forth.

At present the punctuation used hinders this poem.

Cheers!

Harry
108
108
Review of Lilac Time  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Fyn ~

This is a wonderful poem. It sets a lovely scene. Nicely written! The syllable count per line checked out correctly.

Only a couple of suggestions for you to consider:

When the dew comes down at twilight's end,
[T](t)hey walk in

and white scents of spring[,] intoxicate

Cheers!

Harry
109
109
Review of Lingering Dreams  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Hunters Moon ~

This is very nicely written, indeed. The content is excellent; the poem flows well; the rhyme scheme is well done. The use of rhyming couplets, followed by the third lines of two stanzas also forming two rhymes throughout, added to the poem.

You might review the punctuation used. My suggestions for your consideration:

The day collapses on me. I become distracted(;)
yet moments of time are somehow refracted

In a touch of perfume or the faint lilt of voices(,)

As I ask the question, I look around(,)

Cheers!

Harry
110
110
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Marsha ~

The content has merit. Most people have to deal with complainers at some times in their life. I enjoyed reading your take on this problem.

There were a number of items I found for your consideration: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

change a person(')s attitude

death in the family, [or] health problems(,) or any other OR death in the family[,] or health problems or any other

a speeding ticket[,] or have problems

family members[, m](. M)aybe it's because

I work in retail[, t](. T)o a lot of people that says it all, but for those of you who haven't (ever worked in retail,) I'll try to be more specific.

folks that are working in the places we shop, eat and spend money(.)[ in.]

If the same person is always rude[,] or aggravating(,) then possibly there

their bad days[,](;) that's just the way

Well, not exactly(.)[,] I've had

doesn't resolve anything[, b](. B)esides(,) who wants to listen?

similar to [Wallmart](Walmart) >>> one 'l'

a gentleman possibl(y)[e] in his 50's[, h](. H)e wasn't very co-operative[,](--) no patience, was in a hurry, and complaining

found out later[,] that he uses

[So... n](N)eedless to say,


Cheers!

Harry
111
111
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Leger ~

Wow! This is an excellent story. Extremely well-written and exciting. It was inventive and brought something new to the man versus dragon fight. I am glad I got to read this.

I have only a few suggestion for you to consider:

fell to her knees, screaming[.](,) "Noooooooooo!"

on their huge(,) glossy steeds, armored and

fit the [most brawn](brawniest) man left.

He bent, [kissing](kissed) his wife's sodden face and then turned to climb

Cheers!

Harry
112
112
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Nicki ~

You are doing quite well in this contest (which is itself a great idea). This page with your entries is well-done. I have no suggestions for this page.

I read your entry for prompt #4 (to write a poem with at least ten lines, where every line has the same number of 'beats'. ). You wrote a good poem that meets the challenge well. I counted the beats. (Of course, writing a Villanelle with its repeating lines helped!) You might want to recheck the inconsistent punctuation used in the poem. At present you have periods after some lines (see stanzas 2 and last) but not after most.

Good luck in the contest!

Cheers!

Harry
113
113
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Daizy ~

Well, you got the story in with only 55 words, but the read was quite choppy: Crowd gathered. Smile lit my face

Also, it was not clear who pushed the child clear.

...[M](m)om hugged her son.

This one left me wanting better from you.

Cheers!

Harry
114
114
Review of "A Man Among Men"  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Kings ~

This is well-written overall. It is a wonderful tribute to your father. I enjoyed reading it.

My suggestions for you to consider:

A gentleman who gave love from his heart[.] >>> delete period here
To his friends or a stranger from the start. >>> This is still a sentence fragment. Perhaps: He was a man who...

This man among men I am proud to say[.]
Instilled in me his gentle love and ways. >>>> say and ways are not a good rhyme (way would be). Neither are years and tear in the next two lines.

In this stanza, the rhymes need work: gentleman & them, peace & sleep.

The bravery he displayed at Normandy[.]
Made my father an honorable hero to me.

I found out to(o) late how brave >>> too late
was & love are not good rhymes.

Cheers!

Harry
115
115
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sharkdaddy ~

This piece was amusing and well-written overall. A little "previous trampoline training" is always nice to have, eh? I enjoyed reading this.

I have these suggestions for you to consider:

“Hey(, D)[d]ad, you have >>>> Hey, Dad,

“Just not[,](;) end of discussion.”

felt so good that(,) later that day[,] when I logged on to [w](W)riting.com, it was only natural
>>>>felt so good that, later that day when I logged on to Writing.com, it was only natural

Cheers!

Harry
116
116
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Janice ~

I imagine this format of 'no repeats, 100 words' is hard to accomplish and a tad bit confining. You manage to describe a scene satisfactorily. Good job.

A few items for you to consider: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

under sloppy(,) watery tomatoes.

then()—()[D](d)efinitely bizarre!” >>>> then -- definitely

Psychiatrist()—()[Y](y)ep. >>>> Psychiatrist -- yep.

wait until tonight(,) darling.

Cheers!

Harry
117
117
Review of FRED AND COCO  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, WhoMe ~

Wow! Wow! A mirrored acrostic! This is great and quite hard to write. Nice job. You captured the personalities of your two dogs while accomplishing a mirrored acrostic. I'm impressed!

One thing to consider: never(-)ending battle

Cheers!

Harry
118
118
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Than Pence ~

This story held my interest. It depicted behavior typical for a 5-year-old. Overall, it was nicely written.

I do have these suggestions for you to consider:

8:00am. >>> 8 a.m.

milk for my bowl(,)but she knows that she has four other children to provide a quick breakfast for(,) so she starts

[was ] (is) quick to come out >>>> This is written in present tense throughout.

I ask just as quick(ly),

loves her[:]( -- ) with milk

highly evident(,) and he might even wish

his time eating it(,) and my mother comes

myself anymore(,) and I begin to

back at him(,) and he looks

peers at me(,) and the hint of a smile is


Cheers!

Harry
119
119
Review of Addiction  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, dllee ~

This describes addiction well. It is an interesting read.

Have you considered breaking this block into stanzas of four lines each? Try it and see if it improves the read.

When I try to ignore you(,)you become aggressive.

Liar. >>> Liar! for stronger emphasis.

Cheers!

Harry
120
120
Review of LightWorker  
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Unratable.)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, S M Ferguson ~

I really liked the content in this poem. It is a good read with nice flow and varied rhyming patterns.

I have these suggestions for you to consider:

Lightworker I take to be like an angel or angel's helper. When not starting the sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized since it is a generic name.

Lightworker, [L](l)ightworker(,) there's so much to do[,](.)
...on you(.)[,]
We(,) the archangels(,) do ...
Awaken(,) [L](l)ightworkers[,](;) the world needs you all.

[Your](You're) tired and weary[, your](; you're) not at your best[,](.)
... could rest[,](.)
... round the world[,](.)
My beloved [L](l)ightworker, we're ...

Lightworker, [L](l)ightworker, don't look so depressed[,](.)
...
... touch who(m) you can[,](.)
Lightworker,[L](l)ightworker, send ...

... spirit divine[,](.)
Arch[A](a)ngels assist you in this(,) your great quest[,](.)
Lightworker, [L](l)ightworker, ignore ... jest[,](.)
Let your light shine out(,) and we'll ...

Cheers!

Harry
121
121
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, dragonfish ~

This was somewhat interesting to read. However, it never really told a complete story or gave the reader any satisfaction. It also contained numerous errors:

[ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

A fox and (a) raccoon [is](are) friends.

Then a tornado appeared, causing some damage(,) and forced them into going

sun to be up i(n) the air again. Once that happened(,) they crawled up

woman was standing there(,) [and] picking [off] some berries from nearby bushes. When she saw them(,) she felt

Eleyana enjoy(ed)[s] the ball of yarn >>>> Keep the past verb tense throughout!

Th(e) yarn was very soft and furry [which she embraced that comfort feeling.](and gave Eleyana a feeling of comfort.)

garden, particularly (the) flowers.

anyone who [sees](saw) her might try

humans cause(d) her to shiver

Were pyres [was](were) the one thing >>>> Were pyres?? Werepyres? What are these?

to escape [is](were) well into her mind

Eleyana and [her](she) were

After the experiment the(r)e was an argument

(While she rested there,) Eleyana pondered what she [will](would) do without Isabelle there to support her. [while she rested there] >>>. Move to front of sentence.

She also thought of how much Isabelle loved taking her yarn and how (she = Isabella??) hated that.

her stomach rumbl(ed)[ing] for food.

side of the grass(,) catching a

she decided it (was) safe to explore

following t(h)e direction of its strong current.

found a large(,) old(,) oak tree

The tree trunk (was) split apart

uneven ground made (i)t difficult

They stared (into) each other('s) [in] eyes for a moment


Cheers!

Harry
122
122
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, StoryMaster ~

This piece contains helpful information of interest to Writing.com members. All of the tips given are excellent.

I have these items for your consideration: [ ] = delete // ( ) = insert

You have a propensity to overuse exclamation marks.

And to the end, just add your Writing.Com username[!](.)

Teachers, co-workers, editors, publishers and other associates are also great people to refer(.)[!] Remember, the more members Writing.Com has, the more people there are to read, rate, review and befriend within our community(.)[!]

Tip #4: Start an Interactive Story on Writing.Com and invite your friends to participate with you(.)[!]

You might help your friends discover a talent they never knew they had(,) and you'll all have a great time in the process(.)[!]

The paper is heavy cover stock and is perforated(,) which makes each business card clean and easy to separate(.)[!]

Good luck and have fun promoting your writing and Writing.Com(.)[!] We sincerely appreciate everyone's efforts![!]

Cheers!

Harry
123
123
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Sophy ~

What an amazing, inspiring piece! This is to be praised both for the way it is written and for the inspiring message it delivers. You turned what could have been a defeat into glorious victory in your outlook on life.
This piece should be an inspiration to many others.

My only suggestion for change: in the twenty(-)six years since that time.

Cheers!

Harry
124
124
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Diane ~

This piece offers excellent advice to orient the newbies. It should be required reading for all new members. Its information is quite helpful. Moreover, it is written well and is easy to understand. Overall, I think this is an excellent example of good writing. However, there are some punctuation issues in a few places:

someone was going to show me around[,](;) this place was overwhelming!

"This all sounds good(,) but I just want to share

"Oh(,) that's easy,"

When we entered the room(,) there were several

I need to get going(,) but let me take you

tag read NewUser622(,) and(,)seeing the creativity the others used

good for twenty(-)four hours(,) and then a new one will be posted.

had a story to share(,) and I couldn't wait to hear

Cheers!

Harry
125
125
Review by Harry
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A Simply Positive Group Sig For Reviewers.

Greetings, Meg ~

This is great fun. The rhyming of all four lines in each stanza works well for me. And congratulations having your poem featured on the official website of Kraft Foods.

The punctuation is in need of some work. Periods and commas are misplaced a bit. Example:

It's thick and black like rich garden loam(.)[,]
You'll find it in Oz, wherever you roam[.](,)
From coast to coast,

["]What is this gooey


Overall, your poem is a great success.

Cheers!

Harry
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