*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Get it for
Apple iOS.
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/heartburn
Review Requests: ON
365 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 ... Next
1
1
Review of "How are you?"  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Random review

Very cleverly done. The message is right-no one wants to know. Frankly, I don't want to know when I ask either. The exception would be "I think I'm having a heart attack right now" or "My loved one just passed away this morning". "I'm fine" would be inappropriate then.

Your rhyme is good. I noticed no technical errors. A good read anyone can relate to.
2
2
Review by pumpkin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Lili,
Just came across this randomly and I see you just posted it!
Never fear, you are not alone. You don't need to apologize in the last paragraph. You have a right to your feelings, whatever they are.

Friends are very important to young people, even to old people. It's easy to feel abandoned. Your friends may be feeling exactly as you do, but don't know what to do about it. This is a learning experience. All your life you will be more sensitive and kind to other people who may be lonely because of the way you feel now. This horrible time in your life will actually make you a better friend to others. It might make you a more in-tune writer.

Come up with all the positive take-aways you can. Listen to more upbeat music, even though you may be drawn to melancholy tunes. Watch positive TV shows and read happy ending books.

You have lots of "virtual" friends here at WDC. We encourage you to keep on writing. Surely this won't go on forever. You'll make new friends. Some of the old will come back, but don't rely on them so much. You are a bright, creative young woman. You will come through this with flying colors, stronger, better. Your former friends just don't realize what they're missing.

I'm sure a lot of people will identify with what you've written.

Technical: The next to last paragraph, you wrote "I've hadn't". What are you trying to say? I didn't maybe?
Just curious, why did you pick the year 11963?

Pumpkin
3
3
Review of Never ever again  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)

Found this under educational.
Yes, I agree with you. Door to door is the pits even without a pandemic. It takes a special person to do it, and I'm not that special.

Tree guys go door to door. They tell you things wrong with your trees that you don't even know, and they need to be taken care of today or it's doomsday for your home. I've only seen one with a mask.

Sorry about the contract. When you're in a hurry to work, you sometimes jump into something not right for you.

It does look like you need to capitalize "thank" just like you did YOU JESUS.

It's interesting that your complaint is in a poem with a recurring refrain, almost like a Psalm.

Good luck and lots more writing.
4
4
Review of Sleeping Rough  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Found your poem under cultural. My reaction is simply that of a casual reader. Please take no offense.

It was very interesting and very graphic. Your words paint a clear picture.

I saw no misspelling or other errors.

I did notice the uneven rhyming. The first two lines didn't rhyme, which was okay; I thought maybe it would be free verse. Then every two lines rhyme until we get to the bottom. Then three lines don't rhyme, the next two do rhyme, then no rhyme again. I guess it didn't catch me until I got to rough, and I wondered was it supposed to rhyme with something and I misread it? Because it rhymed through the bulk of it, I expected it to keep doing that all the way. Maybe if you just worked on the last three lines to get something that rhymes with rough, since it's in the title, the rest could be overlooked. Just a suggestion.

Keep sharing your insights.
5
5
Review of Call Waiting  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
What attracted me to this was your colorful coer photo.
Very interesting content. Well written, no errors. Good job.
I recommend a book called Life After Google. I struggled through the talk about math (it's been a long time since school) and enjoyed the history part. But about half way through I knew it was over my head. You might get a lot more out of it.
pumpkin
6
6
Review of Writer  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this under the genre "crime".
It's a nice summary of your starting out on a new venture. It could be broken up a bit, maybe into two paragraphs. One could be about you and your background and hopes. One could be about the research and the proposed topic.
An occasional comma would help. "Once I sit down the words" needs a comma after down. I thought you were trying to set once you set down the words, so a comma would indicate a new thought.
It looks a bit crammed in, so breaking it up and adding a comma where necessary will help break it up.
Best of luck to you. Hope you really enjoy working on it.
7
7
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this under Contest Entry.
I find no flaws, grammatically, spelling, etc.
It has a nice visual appeal. Rhyme and rhythm flow nicely. Stanzas are consistent.
This is a very nice tribute to horses. It makes them sound timeless, admired, and mystical.
Well done poem.
8
8
Review of Nafan Orange  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review from Children's genre.
I would leave the L's as this is obviously Nathan's memory, not original speech. I take it the name Nafan Orange stuck, and didn't change as the two boys get older.
It is cute. It demonstrates family affection over a span of time. I have no suggestions for improvements, but found it light-hearted. I did find mention of October as abrupt and didn't know how it fit in, but that's just me.
Great work
9
9
Review of It is Finished  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is meant to be suggestive only and is not meant to offend. Religious poetry is difficult and takes a little bravery these days.

Very timely. You present the facts and keep it simple. I like that you left it off at the cross and the people are still sad. They didn't know Sunday was coming, so leaving the reader in that moment is good.

Technically, it wasn't exactly 2020 years ago. By a miscalculation, they thought he was born in 0 and based the calendar on that, but now scholars believe he was born 4 BC. He died at 33. So depending on whether you start with 0 or minus 4, it would have been about 1984 to 1987 years ago. So you don't want to be that specific, and you want your poem to be readable 30 years from now, not limited to this time.

Your rhyme was good. I know that fear and deer rhyme, but deer is a new image for this occasion. He is usually presented as the innocent "lamb", the normal sacrificial animal. If you could rework those two lines, your poem would be perfect. It's good now; it gets the point across, but it could be better with traditional imagery.

Best wishes for a joyful Easter. Keep working in this genre. You have done a better job than many who attempt religious themes.
10
10
Review of First day anxiety  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute. Very funny. He was having a bad case of anxiety. You told a nice story in a flash!
I find no technical errors. It's very hard to comment on flash fiction, but you did a nice job.
Pumpkin
11
11
Review of The Silver Fox  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,
You give an excellent description. I have known both women and men who could have fitted into that circumstance. I have mixed feelings, however. I'd like to see them have a roof over their heads and a meal, but their life choices have brought them to this point. I'm more likely to feel sorry for the homeless person who has a part-time job, or just can't pay the rent on time, but are drug-free and sober. I have volunteered at homeless shelters, and the drunk is disruptive and upsets the other tenants.

My mother-in-law was a skinny old alcoholic, but she had a house and groceries. She had an inflated idea of what she used to be, and played lots of pity parties to anyone who would listen. The dialog here made me think of her. She felt like she was a victim of life. All the problems she had were someone else's fault.

Sentiment aside, your poem was good. You paint a clear picture. Sometimes, poetry is most successful when it arouses discussion.
12
12
Review of The Heist  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
I shouldn't comment on a contest entry before the end, but I really enjoyed this. You used all the "facts" very well, and gave us a surprise to boot. The ending left me wanting to know more.
Pumpkin
13
13
Review of Grace Kelly  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
From Read and Review
Certainly Grace Kelly captured te imagination. She was tylish, elegant and poised as you pointed out. Her philanthropy is not as well known. Thank you for brining that out. Starting off with a quote from her was a good idea.
Your poem is good and does indeed honor her.
Pumpkin
14
14
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
You came up randomly.
It seems a little run together, maybe because there is so much told in so little space. Maybe you could put a line between paragraphs or do some visual thing to make it less dense.
It is a cute story. I have met some older TV celebrities where women were gushing all over them with their wives present. The wives had gotten used to it and weren't bothered. But I wondered if it was difficult at first or if some fans were more worrisome than others.
The only flaw I found was the use of "I" when it should have been me. Take a picture of me, therefore, take a picture of herself and me. Still an object of the preposition even with someone else thrown in after the preposition.

Good job.
15
15
Review of Lonely Butterfly  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found randomly-
I am no poetry expert so take what I say with a grain of salt. The main thing that stood out to me is the fluctuation from talking about the butterfly to addressing the butterfly directly. It seems like it would be smoother if you maintained just one all the way through or only switched once, say near the end and don't go back to the third person.
There are no mistakes, no typos, etc. It's visually appealing. The message is very good.
Best wishes.
16
16
Review of One Evening  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found randomly:

Disclaimer-Please don't take offense at my comments. Only giving you something to think about. I do not like being critical, and certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Poetry is highly personal.

It seems very interesting. I'm not sure sun light shouldn't be one word. On a second read, I found a problem in the first stanza. Structurally, the saucer is none too spry, tired and dry. The third line should probably start with "I", as in 'I spied a saucer in the sky'. I didn't get the 40 days part. Why 40? Maybe just 'all my days'.

Otherwise, a clever and unusual poem. Seems like a terrible nightmare.
pumpkin

17
17
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Found randomly:

A very nice, nostalgic poem. It is biographical, indeed. The avocado trees sort of limit the possible locations. Sounds like a great place to visit.
No technical difficulties. One stanza didn't have the same rhyme scheme.
Amusing, very pleasant to read.
Pumpkin
18
18
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Found randomly,

I have no criticism of spelling, punctuation or grammar. Good job.
It is a good story, but you made an important point. The eye witnesses didn't tell much. The legend may be embellished or it may be spot on. It's nice to think that they observed a spell of quiet and had a brief reprieve from the nightmare.
Pumpkin
19
19
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Found in Read and Review
I assume this is non-fiction, since you did say it was an autobiographical essay. I am so sorry, but it sounds like you're handling it well.
My father is in his 90's and is experiencing some dementia. His doctor called them hallucinations and did not refer to Alzheimer's. There are multiple types of dementia. His is tied in with his sleep apnea and talking in his sleep. Since I am his primary caretaker, I am consumed with this. Occasionally, my brother and I worry if it's hereditary, then we laugh it off. Neither of us is as healthy as he has been, and we won't last that long!
I have had friends with Alzheimer's. They continued to see basketball games, go to church, etc, until they just couldn't any more. I think you are right. We all need to make the most of every day we have and live it to the fullest.
Best of luck to you. Your writing may inspire and help others.
pumpkin
20
20
Review of My Inner Despair  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Found in Read and Review
Seems like a picture of someone trying to hide the depression and woe. It's bad enough to be so down in the dumps, but to feel the obligation of putting on a good face for others makes it harder.
The only thing I didn't get was why others would think it funny the author falls to pieces. There was no other indications of opposition or ridicule. I wouldn't think it was funny; in fact, I felt sad as I read it.
Keep up the good work!
21
21
Review of Hand in my Back  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
A random review.
Is this an original poem? Are Tinker and Judi Van Gorder one and the same?
It's an interesting poetic form with a clear rhyme scheme. "Hand in my back" seems to me like an innovative expression of divine guidance, a fresh look at it.
Very good poem, easy to read.
22
22
Review of Day 5 - 1.17.13  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, this came up under Read and Review. I liked your imagery and word choices. The poem is visually interesting.
I noticed the same number of lines each stanza, the rhyme only on lines 8 and 10. I noticed the number of syllables per line differed from verse to verse, yet you still managed to make the lines look a similar length in each verse That's very good control.
you stuck to the subject quite nicely.
I enjoyed it.
23
23
Review of Solstice Flowers  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
On Read and Review
This paints a lovely picture. The form is interesting. You used all your required words smoothly. I find no errors or misspellings. I haven't seen "solace" used as a verb before, but in poetry we do take some liberties.
Enjoyable.
Pumpkin
24
24
Review of Rusty Memories  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Random review.
Visually appealing.
I didn't get it until I finished (I didn't read the intro). I couldn't tell if it was a girl remembering a boyfriend or a male remembering a friend. I got stuck on skeleton and rusty. They didn't seem to fit all the nice memories. When I red the intro, I finally realized the "friend" was actually the four wheel drive. It all made sense. How very clever.
Great job.
25
25
Review of Hush  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, you came up under read and review today. I love your poem. Reading it the second time, I noticed things I missed the first time. I caught the last word repeated in the next stanza; that's when I realized you had a special form going on. Thanks for the explanation at the end. And thanks for defining surcease. I was going to look it up to see how it differed from cease.
Great job as always.
Pumpkin
204 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 9 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/heartburn