I loved your poem. It brought tears to my eyes. The closest friends are made real after a horrible torture and death. You have allowed us to feel their grief and remorse, their lostness. Very good job.
Thanks so much for sharing with us.
Found you on Read and Review.
Wow. Good story. It kept me spellbound, waiting to find out what was going on. Then the godfather part took the story on a comical turn. But you stayed with it and kept your characters acting normally.
It ended very nicely. The only thing missing is we don't know if Alex was afraid of Tomas or had kindly feelings for him. Nevertheless, Tomas had been a moral guidepost for him.
I saw no errors and have no suggestions.
Well done flash fiction.
This was on Read & Review. It sounds very personal. Technically, there are no errors in spelling or grammar.
As to the personal part, we are writers and not everything we put on paper is personal. If the reader thinks it is, that is a sign of some success. Your poem has a lot of raw emotion including anger. You can't control how other people react to you. That never changes. At any stage of life people will not react to you the way you'd like. It's human nature to feel alone and misunderstood. You captured that well.
My tendency is to respond to the personal nature and suggest that in time that hate will soften. Maybe people aren't really challenging the writer, but just don't know how to relate.
Keep writing. It's a way of working through feelings when no one else can empathize with you as you wish.
Best wishes from a sympathetic reviewer.
Very short but to the point. Well done. That era of veterans really did not get the hero treatment. Thanks for sharing your poem with us.
No constructive criticisms.
From Read & Review
What a cute story. I like it. Older kids somehow want to spoil it for younger ones, but this character got it right.
The only thing I noticed was all the names started with an R. That could be a little confusing is the story were longer.
Lovely story.
You were right in labeling this "scary". It leaves the reader dangling, anticipating some sinister plot yet to happen. You do a very good job in a short span of describing her healing, inside and out and starting over. No suggestions, except, give us more story.
Hello,
You were listed in Read & Review. you obviously have mixed feelings about Las Vegas, yet overall, you still exalt it. It makes me want to check it out minus the debauchery.
I find no errors or technical difficulties.
Nicely done, good word choices. You've painted a sizzling picture.
From a random find.
Wow, young Charlie is really harsh with himself. Just because he is young and didn't prepare as he wished doesn't make him a coward forever. Maybe, his parents will see when they let him in that they drove him to this, but knowing how drinkers are, probably not. Many kids feel the need to get away from an unsettled, noisy home. You captured that very well. You leave the reader guessing that the future holds for little Charlies.
Good job.
I see no flaws, no typos. It's the kind of story that triggers memories in the reader. We can all identify with experiences of our childhood homes. At the time, it just seems like it's the way it has to be. Later we develop feelings about it. I think you did an excellent job for flash fiction.
I am not a judge and have no influence. I just happened to catch this on Read and Review.
Good luck to you.
I had to chuckle at the end of the poem. How great to be positive even about a negative.
At first I identified with what you were saying. We all have mixed feelings. You did a good job of expressing them.
I find no technical errors. It was a little short. Maybe another line or two could develop your thoughts more. This doesn't have to be limited to romance, although the reader thinks that at first. Overall, great job.
Keep writing.
What an excellent story! And a caring tribute to your son's school. It takes a very special person to be a loving caring mama like you. You should pat yourself on the back for his accomplishment, too.
I have a friend who teaches autistic teenagers, and I know it takes a lot out of her. She has been physically hurt before, but she is so patient and genuinely cares about the progress of the kids. And the education for teachers is ongoing, too.
Your piece is well-written. I see no errors or suggestions. You state your case very clearly. Great job.
A very nice short poem. I'm glad I found it. I see no errors, have no suggestions. You tell a nice story without being preachy or didactic. You not only presented the negatives, but showed the positive relationship, too. It's amazing how so much can be conveyed in so few words.
I like your dark poem. I find no errors or negatives. It arouses a lot of feelings about one's own Christmas memories and remnants. You don't tell what happened to stop this particular Christmas but it causes wonder. Very good job.
A very interesting story. No typos or misspellings. Th spaces you left between paragraphs work visually, so I would add spaces where you omitted them. Grammar and punctuation are great. Your old English worked, too.
The ending wraps up a little quickly. we might like a few more details.
Oerall, a great story. Well done.
Nice version of hatching. However, there are some sentences that are too long. For example, you could put a period after enclosure, and start a new sentence with "But no". Remember, if this is a children's story, the sentences should be shorter and easy to understand.
You might consider breaking it up into smaller paragraphs.
What age group are you targeting? Some word choices are okay for sixth graders, but maybe not second graders.
Spelling is fine. Story is great.
Keep writing for children. Good job.
I see you haven't written anything since this, at least not on this website. I hope you aren't discouraged. You need to keep writing.
I would concentrate on the grammar and punctuation. The feelings you write are so strong and difficult to handle, that technical aspects are an area you can control.
In the second paragraph you too should just be to, the do so is understood. Put a comma after Oh.
Near the end, you split an infinitive: It "mostly just". You might try "Mostly, it drives" and leave out the "just". Go through the whole thing and check for commas between clauses. Clear writing might help clear your thoughts.
I don't want to deal with your pain because I am not an armchair psychiatrist. But one thing stands out to me at the end. What do you need to forgive yourself for? You're heaping more blame and negativity on yourself instead of where it belongs.
The last sentence makes me think you're making a big change or leaving your father's sphere of influence. You could expand on that a little.
Good luck with your personal journey. Sorry it's been tough.
Keep writing. It's good for you.
You take us to an alternate world immediately. Even alternate worlds have routines and chores.
The first technical error I saw was a missing question mark at the end of the 5th paragraph. In the second scenario, there should be a comma after Food Prep. In the last paragraph, I think you mean rhythm, not rhyme.
From Read & Review-
I love the poetic descriptions, like sky river, snow flakes on the plains of Spain, and red hair aflame. Obviously, these are carefree young people without too many obligations, comfortable with world traveling. I had a little trouble discerning if one trip or multiple trips were described, because the focus went from Portugal, to France, then a mention of Brazil some day. The couple do seem to be in love or at least strong infatuation.
I enjoyed reading it and felt the passion behind it.
Good job.
What a lovely story. I found it on Read & Review. I loved it. A young girl relates to animals, I liked that the circumstances, the names, etc., were not everyday or run of the mill. They were unique. You did a nice job of contrasting the old ways with the new thinking.
I found no flaws of any kind. I enjoyed reading this. If it were a series, I would keep reading.
Wow. I know there are limitations on flash fiction, but it would have been helpful to know earlier that this was a man. When Gerald's name was mentioned I didn't know if it was the child or the adult.
It was a very interesting introduction and held my interest. It made me want to know more. Obviously, Pippa is old enough to speak, but how old exactly. What impending doom was coming to earth? Why the scientist in the observatory, etc.
Just a beginning. I found no flaws in spelling or grammar.
Good job
A very nice short read. Found no errors or corrections. As for the content, those things happen. I had a friend with a Masters in English who thought for years that Freddie Fender was singing "Oh, a tree in motion." She finally realized he was singing "Oh, what true emotion" in Young Love.
This is a very realistic and not so rare occurrence. Thanks for sharing with us.
Hello, JCosmos
You paint a very clear picture and tell quite a story. It is very graphic and time specific. It has an exotic air to it. I enjoyed reading it.
I saw no errors and have no suggestions for change. I did notice a switch from first person, as in my yarn, my latest hobby, to "they drank" and "their" friends. So it went from a personal experience to a third person observation. That may have been your intention.
Good going.
Hello there. You give wonderful, detailed descriptions. Almost immediately, there is a sense of sadness. I see no errors in grammar, spelling, or such. It sounds like the room of a child who is ready to leave childish things behind.
Good going. Keep it up.
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