Hi,
I love westerns. Thanks for sharing. I have only technical suggestions.
After Arizona, use another comma.
In the fourth paragraph, you have an incomplete sentence, which is easily fixed. Change the period after sun to a comma, and make the "h" in his lower case.
Almost at the end, either put a hyphen between worn and heeled or change the order to "worn boot heel". (I'm guessing the hyphen suits your meaning better.)
Overall, a good story. Sal turns out to be the barkeeper's daughter; nice surprise. He sounds like a realistic guy. The time frame and setting sound about right by most popular TV westerns. Good job.
Very beautiful. What great lessons she taught you. We do need to be more uplifting and encouraging to others.
You wrote about them quite nicely, without error, or hiccups. I have no criticisms or edits. I hope you will continue to share your observations.
Sounds like an exciting change, a big adventure. Could be a life upheaval. Certainly topography, scenery will help set the stage for the drama and daily routines that will unfold. Nicely written. A real life experience that most readers can relate to.
Nicely written. Found no flaws.
Best wishes.
Hi, just a casual read. The most blaring error seems to be missing quotations in fron of "You see", but the ending quotes are there in the next paragraph.
It wasn't really clear what Jake Lee's role as a time bandit except to kill Time Lords. I guess it was too big a concept for such a short story. It makes Wild Bill an innocent victim.
Very interesting story. Good structure.
Oh, I didn't care for the phrase "friendly card", but that's not your fault. You had to work with the tools they gave you. Well done.
Quite a weird story. It does sound like it needed investigation. I'm sure in the U.S. it's illegal to transport a dead and alive person together. In fact, a car from the funeral home would make a trip to the hospital, not a regular ambulance. Maybe the woman was drugged. At any rate, it was a thought provoking story.
I find no grammatical or technical errors.
I loved this story. i babysit rambunctious great nephews and their sister. I know things happen. You kept me spellbound. I admit the bold caps tripped me up, until I realized this was for a contest. You did very well tying them together.
I couldn't find any fault in punctuation, grammar or spelling. Nicely done.
Hi,
This is intriguing, no doubt. It could go either way, easily. Nicely done.
No technical flaws. I was thrown a little when Mike enters in. Maybe a brief mention of a third man entering abruptly would help.
You told them in the right order, too. Explaining the brain, and it not responding to the eyes, helped in understanding the second scenario. I do think the brain is still active even if it is not responding to stimuli.
Very well done. I will look for more of your work.
Just a review:
Please don't take any offense at the following comments. They are intended only to help clarify and improve what you have written.
No problems with your message. I have known people with fibromyalgia, who were in constant pain and fought moodiness and depression. They were lovely people trying to live a normal life. Most people are understanding when they know the constant pain the individual is going through. Your efforts to educate others about the disease are well-founded. Keep up the good work.
There are a few minor writing details. You are missing a lot of commas. Start with 2nd paragraph. After "conditions" place a comma, and again after "because of this", before "judgments".
Next, I would leave out the phrase "You see". In the middle of the sentence, you write "you cannot see". I know they have different contexts, but it doesn't sound right, almost like a contradiction. Starting with that phrase does not add value to what you are saying. Another comma in that sentence after "for".
I repeat you have an important message. You could do a little editing for punctuation and other things. In the first paragraph, use an apostrophe in "person's". A little editing will put the polish on an informative article.
Such a cute story. It's funny, but it also raises a lot of questions. Wouldn't it be cool to actually call Jesus and talk? To hear his voice. Of course, we think of prayer as talking with him, but we usually rush and don't wait for any response, even deep within our own hearts.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Hi there.
Very interesting poem. The rhyme scheme is unusual. I never would have found so many things to rhyme that fit. Plus, the switching of rhyme in the 4th and 8th lines worked for you. Is that a regular format or one you made up?
Sometimes, we want something to be sentimental and sweet. We want to believe that two people are meant for each other. Nicely written.
You had me at William Shatner. Had to read.
This was very cute. The doctor sounds like a quick thinker who is gentle with his patients. A very good scenario. I'm sure lots of actors in long term roles have some delusions when the memory starts to go.
Well written, entertaining.
Pumpkin
Loved your story. It was very positive and uplifting. Pets can have a powerful effect on us. I remember putting down our sick, disabled dog. I was divorced, but we had shared custody of the dog, so we both took her to the vet. Afterwards, we stood out in the parking lot and cried our eyes out. Despite our differences, it was a shared pain.
I found no flaws in your writing and have no recommendations for editing.
Why is it that when we say, "I'm old," no one argues with us or asks for further explanation?
Your very cute poem is relatable. I not only don't know young musicians, but other celebrities either. I remember being displeased when the older generation didn't like MY music.
You have a delightful poem describing the attitude of many men towards women. It's an old idea, but still lingers a bit, that women are the property of the husbands. Since men are built physically stronger than women, they have a sense of power over them. You mention "real man" in the end. It takes a real man to control his own power and put it to good use. I have seen too many women afraid of the man they are with.
You did a good job. I see no errors or corrections. No suggestions, except to keep writing.
What a hoot. The very thought of jewelry in the mouth would take away my appetite. (Maybe I need that.)
Your poem was cute, and the vocabulary wonderful. You managed to rhyme some words not used every day. It did not sound sing song-y like some humorous poems. You also aligned they type to be visually appealing.
Hello, Tim,
I enjoyed reading your poem, which I found under military.
It was nice to read something with pride and a positive outlook. I saw no flaws or technical problems.
I have no suggestions for improvement or correction. Please, continue to write more.
Best wishes to you.
Pumpkin
Hi, Browsing in Men's writing, found this.
Excellent poem. His coolness, derring-do, fashion sense, sharp appearance, and romantic appeal are all mentioned. Found a hint of humor. Wonderful tribute to a fine actor.
Enjoyed your poem.
Best wishes,
Pumpkin
Hello,
I actually found this under the medical genre. I sometimes have insomnia, but nothing like what you write.
I find no technical errors.
It's very easy to imagine nightmares, but your writer is wide awake or on the edge of sleep. It's kind of scary. The reader feels sympathy for the sleepless writer who must work to earn his daily dollar.
Well done, vividly written.
Pumpkin
Hello, just browsing. This does have possibilities. You could take it in any direction.
Technicalities: I see no errors in spelling or punctuation or grammar.
General Remarks: There are good detailed descriptions. There is a feeling that the case is not going well, which leaves the possibility that the lawyer will find some way of turning it around, or not. Maybe it's a crooked judge. The stage is set for many possibilities.
Hello,
I see you are new here. Welcome. I hope you enjoy and grow as a writer. Found you by genre.
This poem is tightly written, no excess words. You repeat the words lie and alive, really driving home your point. You get across the feelings of betrayal and discouragement quickly. It even had eye appeal.
The only thing that caught my eye is switching back and forth between "he" and "you". Choose one and be consistent throughout because of the brevity of the poem.
Very well done. Best wishes for much more writing.
Found this under "ghost". Very interesting. I love tales told in an Irish brogue. True the world has changed, and they don't go for old tales any longer. Your poem was lovely. I guess they don't get their kicks on route 66 any more either.
Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm no expert. I only mean to be helpful, but may really miss the mark.
I can't tell if you're serious or making this up. It is listed as comedy. It makes me sad to read it. No one should call himself a school bus; that's just cruel.
As far as format is concerned, you might try spaces between paragraphs, especially since you don't indent. Your spelling and punctuation are perfect, no problems.
I know what you mean about other people giving advice. If they're not in your shoes, they think it's easy. I don't like that you put yourself down so often. I think you cut it off so soon and made a joke of it, because you don't want to face your feelings. No where in here, do I see any true feelings or see that this could be motivation. It sounds like a cry for help. You aroused empathy in me.
Again, your writing is fine. You express yourself well. Keep writing about other issues in your life and you will develop a really good voice. It looks like you're fairly new to WDC. I hope you enjoy it. Most folks are very kind and accepting.
Cute poem. We're with you. Knowing what we ought to do is not always what we really want to do. Sometimes thinking about my doctor chiding me is the only thing that makes me make the right choice. You're right about the labels; reading them in the store makes shopping take longer.
Keep up the inspiration. (I didn't find any faults with your work.)
Found your item randomly. As with all reviews, take what I say with a grain of salt.
It's actually an excellent little story, despite its brevity and lack of action.
It's clear, flows well. No typos. I did find one technicality: You're talking about one girl, but ask the question "Why are they. . ." Shouldn't it be "Why is she..."
Overall, very good job.
Pumpkin
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