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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/heartburn
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383 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Lost on Route 66  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Found this under "ghost". Very interesting. I love tales told in an Irish brogue. True the world has changed, and they don't go for old tales any longer. Your poem was lovely. I guess they don't get their kicks on route 66 any more either.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Take everything I say with a grain of salt. I'm no expert. I only mean to be helpful, but may really miss the mark.

I can't tell if you're serious or making this up. It is listed as comedy. It makes me sad to read it. No one should call himself a school bus; that's just cruel.

As far as format is concerned, you might try spaces between paragraphs, especially since you don't indent. Your spelling and punctuation are perfect, no problems.

I know what you mean about other people giving advice. If they're not in your shoes, they think it's easy. I don't like that you put yourself down so often. I think you cut it off so soon and made a joke of it, because you don't want to face your feelings. No where in here, do I see any true feelings or see that this could be motivation. It sounds like a cry for help. You aroused empathy in me.

Again, your writing is fine. You express yourself well. Keep writing about other issues in your life and you will develop a really good voice. It looks like you're fairly new to WDC. I hope you enjoy it. Most folks are very kind and accepting.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cute poem. We're with you. Knowing what we ought to do is not always what we really want to do. Sometimes thinking about my doctor chiding me is the only thing that makes me make the right choice. You're right about the labels; reading them in the store makes shopping take longer.
Keep up the inspiration. (I didn't find any faults with your work.)
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
I watched your video. I didn't know that about Mayflies.
You use very soothing words to describe nature, then the jacuzzi. Both gave peace and relaxation. Both are graphically described. Good job.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Found your item randomly. As with all reviews, take what I say with a grain of salt.

It's actually an excellent little story, despite its brevity and lack of action.

It's clear, flows well. No typos. I did find one technicality: You're talking about one girl, but ask the question "Why are they. . ." Shouldn't it be "Why is she..."

Overall, very good job.

Pumpkin
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Review of Ravyn  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Found this under friendship.
I loved it. It's so picturesque. I could see the mud on her clothes and hear her laughing with the other children. What a wonderful childhood. Mother Nature provides plenty of toys and activities. The poet's warm feelings for this child comes through clearly.
Great job.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,
Found this under "Foreign". Fascinating and important. I wasn't aware of some of the geography you pointed out concerning their navy. It's a little bit short. Perhaps you could add just a few items of interest, say expand on the Indian navy, besides the submarine fleet. Maybe just one sentence to give authority to your first statement about the Chinese, like how do you know this?
Very important data.
Spelling and grammar are just fine.
Thanks for sharing with us.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Just a random review. I find no technical errors, like spelling or punctuation.
You tell a lot in a short paragraph; a lot of emotion comes through.
Sometimes people are like that. You capture a real life experience very well. We can't predict a person's behavior, and they don't always turn out to be what we want. It was a good experience but it's over.
'Develop these ideas some more in future writings.
Pumpkin
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
1 How beautiful! And what a different perspective. You combined prose and poetry. Very nice for the reader.
I realize it's a contest, and it is probably too late to make changes. In the second paragraph before the poem, you wrote "it's speed". There should be no apostrophe. And a grammar stickler would tell you not to end a sentence with "of" in the next paragraph. It still makes sense if you just drop the of.

I hope you fare very well in the writer's cramp.
I really enjoyed reading this.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,
Found this under finance. Haven't noticed you in a while. Good to find this piece.
It has a nice format. Colors add a lot to it.

I read somewhere recently that having a lot of money or the shiny things it buys is not the big deal. But not having money restricts your creativity and productivity. The lack of money limits your charity and may even make you a burden to someone else. Having money is a good thing because you will be able to share, take care of your family, and be charitable. How we get the money must be honorable, too.

You do a nice job of breaking up tithes, offerings, savings, and management. Your spelling and grammar are very good. I find no technical flaws. However, I did notice a lot of very long sentences. If you're writing down to an audience who might really need this info, you may need shorter complete sentences to keep them involved.

Otherwise, great job. Keep it up.
11
11
Review of Big-Hair Sam  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Found this under "Fashion" while browsing through genres.

I loved it. Bouncy and upbeat, he told a great story. Follow your dream despite the naysayers, work at it, and indeed, you will be more than just beautiful hair. You told your story with humor.

The only technical point I found was the next to last line. It should be misled. It may not be spelled like head, but it rhymes.

Good job.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,
Found you randomly under Emotional genre. Please take these words as an attempt to be helpful, and not as criticism. There are always multiple ways to write things.
First, check your title. Did you mean to type "Not Your. . ." instead of "you"?
Please don't be insulted. I copied your story and made some suggested changes to it. It's repetitive in places. Some of the commas I changed to semi-colons.

I have a pie that is a pie like no other. I am in like Bipolar mode so I must go big or go home. This pie has a lot of big flavors in it.

You will need to mix up the following ingredients and put in as little or as much as you want: Boxed pudding any kind or flavor you want; cream cheese any kind or flavor you want but I say buy the good stuff; Vanilla wafers; Cappuccino, hot chocolate mix buy whatever you want but just buy the good stuff. If you're broke you can but the cheap stuff; it will work also. You can use heavy cream, milk, and or coffee creamer use, what you got used what you like,.
Lastly 2-3 bananas medium to large. You will also need a graham cracker pie crust. Cherries fresh , canned, or frozen to put on the top if you wish also put the juice on top with some of the whipped cream (optional) if you want to top the pie with some. Don't like cherries or can't have them use strawberries or something and that fruits juice. I eye-ball everything if you are making a big pie use less of everything. if you make a big one use, less stuff
Mix all the ingredients together into a blender or mixer but not the cherries, wafers, whipped cream they go on the top of the pie at the end. The pie should be thick, rich, smooth, and creamy if it's not, it's wrong to add something to it to thicken it up. If it's lumpy keep blending, not creamy enough add more fruit or cream cheese. Put the mix in the pie crust and put it in the fridge for like 5-6 hours to a day.
Happy eating y'all!



I tried to address the format issues only, not substance. Sounds like one heck of a pie. We'll all be over after the pandemic goes away!

Please keep writing informative, helpful articles.
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Review of "How are you?"  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Random review

Very cleverly done. The message is right-no one wants to know. Frankly, I don't want to know when I ask either. The exception would be "I think I'm having a heart attack right now" or "My loved one just passed away this morning". "I'm fine" would be inappropriate then.

Your rhyme is good. I noticed no technical errors. A good read anyone can relate to.
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Review of Never ever again  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)

Found this under educational.
Yes, I agree with you. Door to door is the pits even without a pandemic. It takes a special person to do it, and I'm not that special.

Tree guys go door to door. They tell you things wrong with your trees that you don't even know, and they need to be taken care of today or it's doomsday for your home. I've only seen one with a mask.

Sorry about the contract. When you're in a hurry to work, you sometimes jump into something not right for you.

It does look like you need to capitalize "thank" just like you did YOU JESUS.

It's interesting that your complaint is in a poem with a recurring refrain, almost like a Psalm.

Good luck and lots more writing.
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Review of Sleeping Rough  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Found your poem under cultural. My reaction is simply that of a casual reader. Please take no offense.

It was very interesting and very graphic. Your words paint a clear picture.

I saw no misspelling or other errors.

I did notice the uneven rhyming. The first two lines didn't rhyme, which was okay; I thought maybe it would be free verse. Then every two lines rhyme until we get to the bottom. Then three lines don't rhyme, the next two do rhyme, then no rhyme again. I guess it didn't catch me until I got to rough, and I wondered was it supposed to rhyme with something and I misread it? Because it rhymed through the bulk of it, I expected it to keep doing that all the way. Maybe if you just worked on the last three lines to get something that rhymes with rough, since it's in the title, the rest could be overlooked. Just a suggestion.

Keep sharing your insights.
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Review of Call Waiting  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
What attracted me to this was your colorful coer photo.
Very interesting content. Well written, no errors. Good job.
I recommend a book called Life After Google. I struggled through the talk about math (it's been a long time since school) and enjoyed the history part. But about half way through I knew it was over my head. You might get a lot more out of it.
pumpkin
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Review of Writer  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this under the genre "crime".
It's a nice summary of your starting out on a new venture. It could be broken up a bit, maybe into two paragraphs. One could be about you and your background and hopes. One could be about the research and the proposed topic.
An occasional comma would help. "Once I sit down the words" needs a comma after down. I thought you were trying to set once you set down the words, so a comma would indicate a new thought.
It looks a bit crammed in, so breaking it up and adding a comma where necessary will help break it up.
Best of luck to you. Hope you really enjoy working on it.
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this under Contest Entry.
I find no flaws, grammatically, spelling, etc.
It has a nice visual appeal. Rhyme and rhythm flow nicely. Stanzas are consistent.
This is a very nice tribute to horses. It makes them sound timeless, admired, and mystical.
Well done poem.
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Review of Nafan Orange  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review from Children's genre.
I would leave the L's as this is obviously Nathan's memory, not original speech. I take it the name Nafan Orange stuck, and didn't change as the two boys get older.
It is cute. It demonstrates family affection over a span of time. I have no suggestions for improvements, but found it light-hearted. I did find mention of October as abrupt and didn't know how it fit in, but that's just me.
Great work
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Review of First day anxiety  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute. Very funny. He was having a bad case of anxiety. You told a nice story in a flash!
I find no technical errors. It's very hard to comment on flash fiction, but you did a nice job.
Pumpkin
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Review of The Silver Fox  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,
You give an excellent description. I have known both women and men who could have fitted into that circumstance. I have mixed feelings, however. I'd like to see them have a roof over their heads and a meal, but their life choices have brought them to this point. I'm more likely to feel sorry for the homeless person who has a part-time job, or just can't pay the rent on time, but are drug-free and sober. I have volunteered at homeless shelters, and the drunk is disruptive and upsets the other tenants.

My mother-in-law was a skinny old alcoholic, but she had a house and groceries. She had an inflated idea of what she used to be, and played lots of pity parties to anyone who would listen. The dialog here made me think of her. She felt like she was a victim of life. All the problems she had were someone else's fault.

Sentiment aside, your poem was good. You paint a clear picture. Sometimes, poetry is most successful when it arouses discussion.
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Review of Grace Kelly  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (5.0)
From Read and Review
Certainly Grace Kelly captured te imagination. She was tylish, elegant and poised as you pointed out. Her philanthropy is not as well known. Thank you for brining that out. Starting off with a quote from her was a good idea.
Your poem is good and does indeed honor her.
Pumpkin
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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
You came up randomly.
It seems a little run together, maybe because there is so much told in so little space. Maybe you could put a line between paragraphs or do some visual thing to make it less dense.
It is a cute story. I have met some older TV celebrities where women were gushing all over them with their wives present. The wives had gotten used to it and weren't bothered. But I wondered if it was difficult at first or if some fans were more worrisome than others.
The only flaw I found was the use of "I" when it should have been me. Take a picture of me, therefore, take a picture of herself and me. Still an object of the preposition even with someone else thrown in after the preposition.

Good job.
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Review of One Evening  
Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Found randomly:

Disclaimer-Please don't take offense at my comments. Only giving you something to think about. I do not like being critical, and certainly don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Poetry is highly personal.

It seems very interesting. I'm not sure sun light shouldn't be one word. On a second read, I found a problem in the first stanza. Structurally, the saucer is none too spry, tired and dry. The third line should probably start with "I", as in 'I spied a saucer in the sky'. I didn't get the 40 days part. Why 40? Maybe just 'all my days'.

Otherwise, a clever and unusual poem. Seems like a terrible nightmare.
pumpkin

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Review by pumpkin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Found randomly:

A very nice, nostalgic poem. It is biographical, indeed. The avocado trees sort of limit the possible locations. Sounds like a great place to visit.
No technical difficulties. One stanza didn't have the same rhyme scheme.
Amusing, very pleasant to read.
Pumpkin
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