A random review on WDC-
First, I liked the story about a gardenia. My husband and I raised gardenias, the largest was about 4 feet tall. Our variety wasn't creamy white, however, it was greenish white. It had dozens of blossoms and bloomed regularly. After our divorce, he got the wood stove too hot one day, and all the blooms fell off from the excessive heat. It does smell great, doesn't it? By the way, J Edgar Hoover grew gardenias. There are two of his in the National Arbortoreum in DC.
I'd prefer to see 'who' instead of 'that' in reference to the doctor attending his patient.
Sharing your story will help more women to realize they don't have to get caught in this cycle of low self-esteem and self-blaming. The man doesn't get this way overnight, but neither does the woman. And it takes time to get out of it. It's good that this man didn't get away with it, too. Other people need to be aware of the things they see and not overlook them.
Random read and review
I like it. The very first line, "died inside" brings to mind personal suffering, maybe a traumatic event, maybe s slow realization that life is changing. It's not spelled out so the imagination leaves the reader open to identify with the questions. Certainly, something middle aged people or older might question as they see their faces and skin changing, but also, at other times when difficult things have happened. At almost any age, someone might be able to identify with this woman in the mirror.
Very good job. I hope you post more. If you're new, you might want to take a stab at your bio, too.
Random read and review:
You don't say what happened to the roan, just that she is no more.It must be pretty hard to lose a horse.There isn't a sense of sadness here, maybe some wistfulness. Yet, the need to rethink one's identity, no longer a "roan rider", is a way of dealing with loss.
Your poem is short, sparse of feeling, yet poignant. Good job. An era has passed.
A random read.
Your words are musical. You start out talking about people, then life, then nature. But the theme of two opposites persists, truth and lies, fruitfulness and cruelty, beauty and expansive "never quite settling". Your poem revels in the contrasts of nature.The earth offers a lot, but requires a lot in return as indicated in the first stanza.
A good poem. Well done. Thanks for sharing it.
A random read
I liked it. It was simple, easy to understand. I am not acquainted with the triolet, so I cannot comment on that. It was interesting to look at it with its two rhymes.
It must be successful in that it made me think about the emotions. From my own experience with stress, I would have been too weighed down even to entertain the notion. If I were already happy and caught up in the joy of a wonderful afternoon, I might think such things. Some symbolic act wouldn't break the chains of my stress, but that's just me. The success is in engaging the reader's imagination and empathy.
Very good job.
Random review
I loved it. I like traditional country music. I also checked it out on YouTube.
Good job, nice story told. New Year's Eve stories and songs always bring out a little wistfulness.
A random review
You tell an interesting story through these songs without relaying too many details. The writing itself is clear, well-constructed, and for the most part, grammatically correct. Near the end, the sentences need a little editing, and commas need to be reviewed.
The narrative on the last two songs was less organized than the previous ones. There is a little repetition, perhaps some rambling, that had not occurred earlier. I think you could clear that up easily just by going over it again, now that some time has passed since posting it.
Don't worry about the sad song part. It's the intensity of emotion and not the emotion itself that matters in music. A very happy person can perform a very sad song. In fact, I Pagliaci, the Italian opera, has a beautiful aria about the actor who is grieving a broken heart, but must perform a funny role.
The narrative tells a success story. It reveals a woman who has dealt with suffering and has come out a victor. Your choice of songs tells of that hope and joy.
I see that you've just posted this. You just haven't had time to polish it.
I haven't seen the first two chapters. What appears here needs proofreading. Your story is fine. A story is told; a tale is spun which is interesting and captivating. It just needs fine tuning.
The blatant problem is the misuse of apostrophes. You use them where you don't need them, and omit them when they are needed.There are two quotes back to back by Brett. Should there be a comment in between, like 'and later', or are they part of the same quote? If the later, punctuation and quote marks need to change.
May I suggest this in the second paragraph: "police station, Heidi's family was" as a change? You don't need the word and. It just seems hurriedly printed, and some proofreading will clean it up very nicely for you.
Is her name Heidi or Allen? They seem interchangeable.
One last thing. The tone seems to be that of a reporter stating facts and quotes. The story isn't told about Brett's feelings or grieving or fears. It's more calculating and distant. If that's what you're going for--and I've seen it work in novels--just be sure you're consistent throughout and don't lapse into some other tone.
You have the makings of a good story. Good suspense.
Very interesting. Sometimes I think the supporting actors work harder than the leads. I read that John Wayne said he didn't really act; he responded to the other actors within the context. So I started watching his old movies, and it does seem that he did that. He let Walter Brennan, Dean Martin, or Angie Dickinson do their thing, and he sort of took it in like an everyday person and responded to what they had said or done. He was dependent on them.
I've learned to pay more attention to the second bananas. Sometimes those characters are more memorable.
I liked it. A very good poem for children. The use of a boy to tell the story is very good, too. It would be very good for elementary children, the blend of a historical figure they know with fantasy.
Comedy Challenge Review:
The rule of q with u helps when you play Wheel of Fortune, but makes it difficult for Scrabble.
Very cute poem.I have never seen anyone give a personality to the alphabet, so that is very new. The examples sprinkled throughout help remind the reader of various words. It makes you start listing all the q words you can think of quickly.
The only fault I find is "cease getting rid of" when you want to 'cease using letter'. Otherwise, a well-written fun poem. It was quite fun. I'll quit now.
Comedy review:
I'm a little nutty myself. I think it was intended for children, to make them eat healthy foods. But it is a stupid saying. Are you greasy if you eat fried foods?
The amusing story, which kept my attention, seemed to be more about the naive clientele than the food.
You don't say whether this was pure fiction or a real experience, but the truck driver does seem fishy. (Sorry, I couldn't help it.) He could have been lonely and really was hitting on the wife. She must have appeared very friendly or at least approachable.
The writing was clean and correct. It was easy to read. Good job.
Hi,
I was a little dismayed to see your name as one we have to review for the Queen of Comedy. I've been reading your poems for a few years now and know you to be an excellent poet. I feel intimidated giving you a review. Well, here goes.
It wasn't until I got to the second quatrain that I understood the first and the title. Oh, you naughty boy! Very funny, very clever.
The form is fine. The rhyme and the rhythm flow nicely. The only thing that makes me pause on the second reading, and it's probably just me, is the duplication of words in two lines. "All" is used twice in the first line. "Confinement" and confined are used in the same line. They don't distract from the meaning or flow; it's just my own hangup.
Hello W D,
You have written a very pleasant and realistic story. I am motivated to keep reading to see where it’s going. In that sense, the ending is not a foregone conclusion or predictable.
I like that both sides are thinking, but speaking in a different manner. That’s part of what makes it so realistic. We can sense the awkwardness the characters would be feeling.
The technical side:
4th paragraph- ‘What could it hurt’ needs a question mark. A question mark is also needed when Jen asks ‘Why didn’t I just let him leave?’ a little further down.
The most blatant error was a bit further down: ‘She don’t trust me’ should be ‘She doesn’t trust me’.
There are a number of comma omissions.
I was drawn to this story because of the title. Being a Brad Pitt fan, I couldn’t resist.
Aside from grammar and punctuation, the story was well done. You have a good grasp of the tug of war inside of us.
That's pretty cold! I remember being in 5 degree plus weather and feeling like the wind was a hammer hitting me in the sinuses! Below zero would be rough.
I sense the guy is oblivious to some animosity from his wife. The toothbrush thing struck home. My brother insisted to us that his wife was using his toothbrush to clean the bathroom whenever the kids got sick because he stayed sick so much, and she didn't. This was from hindsight during a messy divorce, of course.
Some commas are missing.
I like that we get the whole story from dialogue, no description or narrator insight. It's consistent and well-written.
,Hi, just a casual read. It's very funny. And, yes, every woman thinks about that question even is she doesn't say it out loud. I like your jokes.
The form is fine. The rhyme is clever. The rhythm seems a little off once in a while; I had to read those lines out loud a few times until they felt comfortable with the rest.
The ending is the only thing I had trouble with, and that was probably just me. The truth versus the perceived truth kind of thing. I tried to rework the last line, using your model, but I came up with nothing workable, so I can't make any recommendations. It's just me.
A big story in a tiny space. Intense and captivating.
Cosmetic: I like the way you put a space before the last paragraph. There are several other places you could do the same. It would have more eye appeal.
Technical: In the sentence beginning with "Then came", the word 'when' would sound better than 'where' because you're dealing with time. If you left out the word 'with' after ''herself', it would still sound okay and not leave the phrase with a preposition at the end. The comma could be a semi-colon or a period since the rest of it could be a stand alone sentence.
A nice picture of the sea; all the senses are engaged. A feeling of melancholy arises quickly.
The only thing that trips me up is a redundant phrase:"to be reborn again". It isn't necessary to use both words. Just born again or to be reborn period, even though it may happen repeatedly. We even get the feeling that it will happen again without saying so.
Hi, A random read...
excellent emotional poem. Familiar feelings to the reader.
The word loneliness is missing the first e.
It sounds like "You view" should be "your view".
It's very understandable; easy to relate to it.
"Never again!" is the way the writer feels at this point and is a good way to end. We know from life experience that "never" usually exists only in novels, but the poem is not about reality. It's about feelings, so it works.
Good job.
Hi, a random review.
A nice story, a typical Sunday gathering. Nice detail.
There are a few commas missing between phrases, and after the word "Everybody" which is what Bailey uses to address the kids.
There is a split infinitive with the word hurriedly. We split infinitives in everyday speech, but we need to avoid them when writing. You really don't need the adverb, since you've already said they scamper.
Did anyone win? Or were they all winners? (Just a note, nothing to do with your writing. A delayed prize for preschoolers or young kids doesn't have much reinforcement. They will forget by next week. In real life, I would make it just a race, with no prize.)
You've given us a realistic slice of life. Keep up the good work.
A random review
I like the way you start with a personal reference for comparison.I often think it would help if people could envision the nation as an extension of the home; they might see things differently. So a good start.
The line that starts with "The rich" should probably use make instead of makes. The understood but missing word is "people". If the rich MAKES, then the poor SUFFERS. They need to be consistent, and I think poor suffer is correct.
Very good way of addressing the spending issue without arguing politics. Nice job.
OOOO. Funny and creepy all at once. Young readers, not too young, will love it!
I think "culanary" should be culinary.
One minor thing-could be just me. Your rhythm is so good throughout, but I got tongue tied on "Fido cordon Bleu". If Fido is meant to imply a dog, maybe "dog cordon bleu" would be smoother (or cat). The extra syllable tripped me up. Otherwise, it's nicely paced.
Great job. Keep it up.
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