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26
26
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Daizy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Angels Took Me Home.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: -- Intense!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Great emotional characterizations. I could imagine the narrator acting out of instinct as the adrenalin pumped through her body.

*Thumbsup* I really liked how the sentences became shorter, more abbreviated, as the ending neared. You crafted the moment with masterful tone.

*Thumbsup* That last line squeezed my heart!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* In the first sentence, My mind raced is much stronger than My mind was racing

*CheckV* I suggest moving, The tires screeched -- to just ahead of the sentence where the child is pushed, since I imagine hearing that awful sound milliseconds before the accident plays out.




*Star* I love reading entries in the Amazing 55-Word contest. This one was so clever and emotional. Well done!




*Flower3* Nicki

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27
27
Review of "A Man Among Men"  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hello King! After reading your poem ""A Man Among Men", I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

*Thumbsup* What a lovely, heartfelt tribute to your father. Your love for him and respect for his memory reached across the screen and hugged my heart. Thanks so much for sharing this with the world.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The line-ending rhymes added to the lyrical cadence of this piece.

*Thumbsup* I liked the religious mentions throughout the poem, which helped solidify in my mind an image of a good and devout father.

*CheckV* The flow of some lines was a bit off, notably when there were more or less syllables than the regular eleven per line you established in (three out of four lines in) stanza one.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*CheckV* I suggest playing around with the punctuation of this poem, to see if other choices work to improve the flow of the lines. For instance, you have a period (and one comma) at the end of every line, even when a complete sentence spills over into two lines. Also, some lines may need an internal comma. For example:

Called him to heaven his soul to keep-- Perhaps: Called him to heaven, his soul to keep

*CheckV* In keeping with the rigid rhyme scheme, you sometimes used present tense when past tense was more appropriate. An example is:

This man among men I am proud to say.
Spoke of God and to Him always pray.
-- Personally, I think this line would work equally well if you used 'prayed' instead of 'pray.'


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This piece must be very close to your heart. I felt its energy from here. Wonderful!



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28
28
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fantastic character sketch, Fyn! I recognize Lottie from The Dust Jacket, but she's so vivid in this piece it's like I'm meeting her for the first time.

Your writing is fantastic from beginning to end, but my favorite paragraph was about the lottery. Lottie's feelings, her hopes and dreams that clash with her reality, were poignantly portrayed.

Loved this! Best of luck in Round 3!
*Sun* Nicki
29
29
Review of Incarceration  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Paradoxical! I visited your port in search of an item to read for a Rising Stars Member to Member review and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Incarceration.


*Reading* Initial Reaction: Tightly written and entertaining!


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The first person narration was immediately intriguing as I began to read. The fact that the story was set in a mental institution was cleverly shown in the first paragraph and had a wonderful effect on my attention: I wondered whether the narrator was reliable or not. I read with a keen eye, on the lookout for clues. It struck me that this was exactly what the character was doing in the story -- watching for his own clues. The level of participation I felt kept me fully engaged from beginning to end, and heightened my overall reading experience. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* The narrator was no ordinary loony. His vocabulary and speech patterns suggested someone of intelligence. He said things like: I kept a list of descriptions of the medication I was given, including sketches of the more unusual ones. The pattern was elusive. -- suggesting to me an analytical and creative mind. Intriguing character!

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed wondering whether certain passages served to foreshadow events to come. This one stuck out for me: Everyone had their own perspective, their own pattern to follow in that place. All you could do was try to fit into their world, and hope they offered some useful piece of information in return. -- It was moments like this one that would have had me reading on to chapter two!

*Thumbsup* The arrival of Oswald Moore was a wonderful place to close the chapter. The hook in the final paragraph, I believe, would have readers turning the page.


*Idea* Suggestions: The following comments reflect just one opinion. Please disregard anything that doesn't work with your inspiration for this piece. *Smile*

*CheckV* Even though this is a first person narrative, I would have liked to know the main character's name. Names help bring a character out of the shadows and subtlety suggest personality or appearance. An idea for slipping it in would be when he begins talking with Roger. For example, when he says: In Roger’s altered reality I had taken on the role of his immediate superior. Occasionally he would forfeit his usual “Sir” for “Sarge”... -- you could work in something like: but he has never called me (insert name)

*CheckV* I suggest changing the genre from 'Short Story' to 'Chapter.' Although, some readers looking for short stories may shy away from reading a chapter, so you may want to use 'Fiction' as the main genre and choose 'Chapter' as a sub-genre.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops!: Just a couple issues to be on the lookout for:

*CheckV* Missing Commas, for example:

*Bullet* “Any new ones today Roger?” -- Need a comma after 'today'

*Bullet* “Nothing of interest today Sir,” he quipped... -- Need a comma after 'today.' Also, terms of endearment are not capitalized *Right* “Nothing of interest today, sir,” he quipped...

*Bullet* Whether they were simply very adept at concealing their knowledge, or if this pretense was one of the rules I had yet to understand I did not know. -- The comma after 'knowledge' should be moved to after 'understand': Whether they were simply very adept at concealing their knowledge or if this pretense was one of the rules I had yet to understand, I did not know.

*CheckV* Punctuation with Quotation Marks

*Bullet* Occasionally he would forfeit his usual “Sir” for “Sarge”, generally during his more conspiratorial moments. -- When double quotation marks are used, even when it isn't dialog, the punctuation goes inside the closed quotation marks. Also, you may use a comma after 'occasionally': Occasionally, he would forfeit his usual “sir” for “Sarge,” generally during his more conspiratorial moments.

*CheckV* Missing word (and comma)

*Bullet* ...and as the door swung aside the bearded face was joined by remainder of its wiry figure. *Right* ...and as the door swung aside, the bearded face was joined by the remainder of its wiry figure.



*Pawprints* This chapter represents the beginning of what is sure to be an interesting and compelling novel(la). Best of luck with subsequent chapters!


All my best,
Nicki

** Image ID #1718355 Unavailable **
30
30
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Definitions Over Cheerios.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Adorable, slice-of-life tale that put a smile on my face.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I liked the humor in this piece. Each character brought a little comedy to his or her part, making it an enjoyable read from any angle.

*Thumbsup* Great use of dialogue to add texture to the story.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* The "voice" of the first person narrator sounded more mature than a typical five-year-old's. Since your title descriptions reveals that this is one of your memories, I'd like to suggest a couple ideas:

*Bullet* You could look for places where the descriptions are a bit mature and bring them more solidly into "kid-speak." For example, in the second sentence the narrator refers to the size of his cereal bowl as "modest," probably not a natural word choice for a little kid. So, maybe instead of: My mother pours me, a chubby 5-year-old, a modest bowl of Cheerios. -- he says something like this: My mother pours Cheerios into my favorite Superman bowl. Best present I got when I turned five last month. ~However~ an edit like this may not gel with the integrity of your memoir piece. So, here's another idea:

*Bullet* You could shift this piece from present tense into past tense. Narrate the story from the perspective of an adult recalling a memory from his childhood. This way, you can turn the "voice" over to the other characters when you want, specifically during their dialogue lines, without changing too much of the story.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*CheckV* Whenever you use double quotation marks, even if it isn't in direct dialogue, the punctuation still goes inside the closed quotation marks. Two examples:

My eyes widen at that for I’ve just learned the hazy definition of “a few”. *Right* ...hazy definition of "a few."

...determined to remember the day I learned the difference between “a couple” and “a few”. *Right* ...the difference between "a couple" and "a few."


*Star* I really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing your creative talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

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31
31
Review of Blueberry Pickin'  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Connie! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Blueberry Pickin'.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: What a sweet story with just the right dose of tension!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Betty's voice was perfect in this story. Her personality came through loud and strong as she narrated her tale. I liked her spunk, evident in lines like this one: I could see my answer called for a little finesse. Jenny was wondering if IHOP was going to pay enough of an hourly wage.

*Thumbsup* You did an equally good job describing Jenny. She was vivid in my mind's eye, rolling her eyes or taking on her grandmother's challenge.

*Thumbsup* I could picture each moment as it came. Great setting descriptions!

*Thumbsup* Your dialog was impeccable. Each character "sounded" different, and I especially enjoyed Mr. Stile's accent.



*Idea* Suggestions: -- Since you mentioned in your blog post that you are readying this for submission, I thought I'd mention a couple things that jumped out at me. These notes are only for your consideration, offered in the spirit of polishing an already brilliant story.

*CheckV* The streetlights were still on the next morning when I pulled up in her driveway. -- I don't think you need 'up' and 'in' in this sentence. I suggest going either with: I pulled up her driveway ~or~ I pulled in her driveway.

*CheckV* Driving and munching with the windows down to blow out the bug scent -- It's a little thing, but I suggest 'bug scent' should be bug spray scent ~or maybe something like~ repellent scent...

*CheckV* My husband and I lived near a lake at the time... -- The first time I read this, I thought you meant you lived near a lake at the time of the blueberry picking story. To clear up confusion before it happens, you may want to shift this sentence into past perfect, so that readers understand that 'at the time' refers to a moment in the past before the telling of this particular story: My husband and I had lived near a lake at the time...


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: -- Just a few editorial comments:

*CheckV* Terms of endearment are not capitalized:

*Bullet* Calm down, Missus. *Right* Calm down, missus.

*Bullet* “Here, Ma'am, this’ll make you feel better.” *Right* “Here, ma'am, this’ll make you feel better.”

*Bullet* “I think the air condition would do me a world of good, Sweetie. *Right* “I think the air condition(ing) would do me a world of good, sweetie.

*CheckV* Typo and missing comma:

*Bullet* ...and I guess I should a told you about Ernest... -- 'should a' should be all one word.

*Bullet* I’m just not used to being around alligators is all.” -- Need a comma after 'alligators'.




*Star* This is such a heartwarming family story with a wonderful slice-of-life feel to it. Best of luck with submissions, and be sure to tell me where it's eventually published!!




*Flower3* Nicki

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32
32
Review of Welcome to Erebus  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Captain! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
I enjoyed your poem about the night and all its allure. Every line flowed off my tongue with effortless ease, both when I read it silently and when I read aloud. The syllabic meter was impeccible and heightened the fantastic lyrical quality. Lovely!



*Idea* Suggestions: Not a one! *Cool*



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

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Review of Embers  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Marc! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
This poem speaks to me as a metaphor for life. The imagery of a fire burning down to glowing embers, growing colder, while we look helplessly on, is like facing our own mortality. I enjoyed the easy cadence of this piece, and the alliteration in the third stanza was lovely.



*Idea* Suggestions: None! *Cool*



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

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34
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello ! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:


*Thumbsup* What a touching, heartfelt tribute to the love of your life. Beautifully written and full of emotion.

*Thumbsup* I really enjoyed this line: ...to tell you the truth I was too busy praying to God to send me an angel that I never noticed her.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* In this line: I met her at the old crossroads dinner... -- I think 'dinner' should be 'diner'. And I wondered if this was a proper name: Old Crossroads Diner (??)

*CheckV* Since this is not really more like an essay than a short story, I wondered if you'd considered any of the other sub-genres for a more accurate label. Perhaps 'nonfiction' and 'essay'?


Thanks for sharing your passion, talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

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Review of The Deliverer  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Christina! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
Your descriptions were fantastic throughout this piece. The emotions, smells, heat -- all were vivid and added texture to this story. Well done!

Great and tragic ending!



*Idea* Suggestions: I thought you might try beginning this story right at the moment the villagers came to tell Pomeranos about Lavinia. The first three paragraphs in this story contained a great deal of back story that kept the pace slow at the story's onset and could be woven into the story later on.



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

36
36
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Fox and the Raccoon series.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Creative writing classes produce some fun experiments with characters and plot. They are an integral part of your writing journey -- explore away and enjoy!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* You have a good descriptive voice. I could easily "see" the characters' movements in my mind's eye.

*Thumbsup* Great names for the fox and the raccoon.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* I was never sure which animal went with which name. Early in the story, I would have liked to know for certain who was who. Then the subtle characterizations that followed would have been clearer in my mind and added to the animal's personalities.

*CheckV* When you're writing a story, remember to choose one tense and stay in it through to the end. Your story begins in past tense, then shifts back and forth into present. To help illustrate this, consider this short passage:

Eleyana crouched low in the grass, well aware that anyone who sees her might try to kill her. The idea of vampires, werewolves, and humans cause her to shiver with fear. Were pyres was the one thing that didn't frighten her the most though. They were cave dwellers. -- Here's this passage, completely in past tense:

Eleyana crouched low in the grass, well aware that anyone who saw her could try to kill her. The idea of vampires, werewolves, and humans caused her to shiver with fear. Were pyres were the things that frightened her the most though. They were cave dwellers.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: -- As you work through revisions for this story, keep these editorial issues in mind:

*Bullet* There's a typo in the title description line. It should read: A fox and raccoon are friends.

*Bullet* Consistency is important in sentence structures and clauses. For example:

Then a tornado appeared, causing some damage and forced them into going under nearby small rocks. -- 'Causing' and 'forced' need to be the same part of speech in this sentence: Then a tornado appeared, causing some damage and forcing them into going to hide under nearby small rocks.

*Bullet* Proper pronoun usage: Eleyana and her she were very good friends until the experiment.

*Bullet* Typos: Beside the river she went, following te the direction of its strong current. -- Also, 'went' is a good word, but is there a juicier one you could choose? Maybe try searched, scounted, or explored, which would add more interest to the imagery.


*Star* Best of luck with all your creative writing projects!




*Flower3* Nicki

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37
37
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Kim! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Mother's Day Tulips.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: It's always fun to read earlier work by a talented author. I enjoyed this!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* There's such authenticity in every moment of this short, and I could see each facial expression and character's movement.

*Thumbsup* This line is too cute for words! “Mommy, your flower popped.” -- Little kids are so sweet!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* All of a sudden he hopped back down off the edge of the sofa and toddled over to the low table over by the TV... -- Since there are two 'overs' in close proximity, I suggest omitting the second one: ...and toddled over to the low table by the TV...

*CheckV* I exclaimed over it and smothered him with kisses... -- 'Exclaimed' reminds me of shouting or blurting loudly, so I wondered if another word would go better here? Perhaps consider gushed, enthused, or raved.

*CheckV* Since the paragraph beginning, A week earlier, he had gone with Daddy..., clearly established the timeline of events, I think the past perfect is unnecessary in this sentence: Every day he had helped me water it. -- I suggest removing 'had'.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no errors! *Cool*


*Star* Thanks for sharing your heart with us through this beautiful story!




*Flower3* Nicki

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38
38
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Sophy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Refined (and Defined) by Fire.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This piece touched my heart.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The passion and wisdom in your narrative voice brought goosebumps to my skin. Beautiful.

*Thumbsup* I absolutely loved how you opened this personal essay with your own quote, but you ended it with the same quote, expanded. That wonderful touch not only concluded the essay, but it showed the growth you experienced through the condition you describe.


*Idea* Suggestions: None.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* I feel the flow would improve with a comma after 'that': And in the midst of all of that(,) I learned how fortunate I was and how much I loved my family in return.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your experiences and life lessons with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

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39
39
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Diane! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Wandering through Writing.Com.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Clever and creative, this short really puts the world of WDC into a cozy, real-life setting.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* It was fun to see all the members mentioned in this piece. Very personable!

*Thumbsup* I loved visualizing the art on the walls, symbolizing our signatures and banners. Fun! Also, the purple dresses Sophy and Leger were wearing brought a smile to my face.

*Thumbsup* All the links are helpful in directing newbie readers to important pages on the site. I liked that these were up-to-date, since a lot has changed around here since this piece was originally posted in 2004.


*Idea* Suggestions: None!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* I was wondering if these two independent clauses should be connected by a semi-colon, since there's no conjunctive: I was glad someone was going to show me around, (;) this place was overwhelming!


*Star* I enjoyed your piece, Diane! Thanks for sharing it with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

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Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hello Meg! After reading your poem "SPREADING THE WORD., I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

*Thumbsup* I was grinning from ear to ear as I read this quick-paced, light-hearted tribute to a national delicacy. I had so many favorite moments, but this stanza is truly fantastic:

We not only put it on bread, you know,
It's great on Vita Weet biscuits, so
when you squeeze two together, the black goo will flow
through the holes in the bikkies, like worms in a row.



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Effortless flow + wonderful lyrical cadence = perfection!

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the sprinkling of poetic devices like alliteration and internal rhymes, which heightened the sound and flow of the piece. This is a great example, with all the wonderful [p] sounds and the rhymes:

Add a spoonful or so to your favourite stew.
The flavour you savour, piques your palate anew.





*Star* Lasting Impressions: This was a lot of fun to read, and I enjoyed Daizy's item that's linked from it. Bravo to the both of you!



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Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1758992 Unavailable **


Hi Daizy! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "I Tried Some of Meg's Vegemite.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Priceless!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your narrative voice was perfect in this piece, conversational and slice-of-life. I laughed out loud!

*Thumbsup* I just loved how sweet you were each time you mentioned Meg. Your friendship and caring feelings were so evident, especially when you had to admit your dislike of Vegemite. Btw, I have tried Vegemite. It's so salty! It has to be one of those foods that once you get a taste for, you absolutely LOVE it. If that doesn't happen, you hate it for life. *Smile*

*Thumbsup* These were my favorite lines in the piece: I scolded my tastebuds as they tried to shrink back into their beds on my tongue. I told them they shouldn't judge anything by what my nose told them. *Laugh**Thumbsup*


*Idea* Suggestions: None!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* Since this is a list, you could use a colon *Right* After all I like(:) brussel sprouts, liver, blue cheese (all by itself), buttermilk, and the list could go on. -- but, I think eliminating the comma after 'like' and letting is just be a standard sentence works best: After all I like brussel sprouts, liver, blue cheese (all by itself), buttermilk, and the list could go on.

*Bullet* That part was fun, then I put the butter-and-Vegemite-Vita-Weat-biscuit sandwich in my mouth. -- I suggest splitting this into two sentences, or adding a conjunctive: That part was fun. Then I put the butter-and-Vegemite-Vita-Weat-biscuit sandwich in my mouth. *Left* Adds drama and humor this way... ~OR~ That part was fun, and then I put the butter-and-Vegemite-Vita-Weat-biscuit sandwich in my mouth.


*Star* This was great fun to read. Thanks!!




*Flower3* Nicki

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42
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Review of From the ashes  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


Hello James! After reading your poem "From the ashes, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

*Thumbsup* I loved the message in this piece: from despair comes hope. Like the phoenix rises from the ashes, so too does the narrator emerge, whole and wiser than he was before.

*Thumbsup* I've always felt fire is a strong symbol, as it can purify as it destroys. This theme seems present in your poem.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The careful attention to syllabic meter and rhyme scheme created a wonderful lyrical quality to the lines. Each flowed effortlessly off my tongue.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors! *Cool*



*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed reading your poem today. Thanks for sharing your talent with us!



Image #1763793 over display limit. -?-



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Review of The Visitor  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


Hi Marc! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Visitor.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: A very emotional story that tugs at the heart.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the way this story unfolded, slowly and deliberately, so that the full picture of the Jonathon's plight came into ever sharper focus. Well done.

*Thumbsup* The narration was wonderful. Since the POV didn't know much more about himself than I did, I was led from beginning to end by his perceptions and characterizations, until I understood him as much as he did.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* The overall look of your item would be more crisp and professional if you justified the left margins.



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* There were others she had brought to see him One she had introduced as the man he had worked for. -- I think there's a missing period after 'him'.

*Bullet* It had came time for her to leave, for in the afternoon his attention was commandeered by the doctors and nurses whose jobs it was to keep his progress up. -- Suggestions: It had come time for her to leave, for in the afternoon his attention was commandeered by doctor and nurse whose job it was to keep his progress up.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your work with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Image #1763793 over display limit. -?-

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ooh, she's a smart woman! I like her already. *Laugh* This was great, and the wife's cunning command of the situation and ability to "bring her husband around' to do her bidding had me grinning from ear to ear.

Bravo, and best of luck in the round!
*Peace* Nicki
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Review of Strays  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


Hi Mara! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Strays.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Okay, so I'm not saying this because you're my dear friend or because I'm (arguably *Bigsmile*) your number one fan. This is the truth: Something about the first paragraph gripped me, and I was instantaneously invested in this story from that moment on. I think it was the vividness of your characterizations (...Jared turned to see Cass still standing in the doorway. Her fingers twisted in the duffle's strap as she looked around...) and the hook in the last sentence. (He felt for the kid, dumped off with an uncle she barely knew.) I knew the second I started reading that I was going to love this story, and I was right.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The challenge in the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest contest is basically to craft a character, using an opening scene and back story. You met that challenge with Jared, who is a work of art. He's likable, but rough around the edges. He's committed to his life, but deeply conflicted. And this story introduces him in a scene that opens a Pandora's box of complications to come, but I was rooting for him from his first sweeping gesture. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* I love, love, LOVED Cass. Her storyline possibilities are endless. For me, her two most important lines of dialog were: "Do you know a lot about fourteen year old girls?" she sneered. ~and then~ "I'm sorry I was such a bitch. It was you that didn't deserve that," she muttered. She's tough, self-reliant. And yet, she recognizes when she's vulnerable and has done wrong. She, too, is a fantastic character.

*Thumbsup* The title of this piece is brilliant, as it describes both generations of "strays" in this family. Your mastery in this craft was oh-so-obvious when you wove the title metaphor into the story. When Jared thought, Who wanted a mangy mutt when they could have a puppy? -- I "got" him, understood his core conflict from that one line. And then the whole descriptive paragraph that follows that line continued and expanded on the "stray" metaphor, using descriptions like, 'clothes too small for his rangy frame and ribs showing.' Exquisite writing, Mara!

*Thumbsup* The pacing and flow of this story was perfect. Every line led logically and effortlessly into the next. Paragraph breaks happened exactly where they should. The back story weaved in and out of the front story with natural, gentle beats that never slowed down the pace of the piece. Everything about your writing style and creative choices mesmerized me. I was fully engaged and my focus never wandered, from the first sentence to the last.


*Idea* Suggestions: Ummmmm...write Jared and Cass's story? *Bigsmile* Like, all of it. So much potential here, and you seem to know these people. I would read a whole novel to get to know them as well as you seem to, based on this piece.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: -- Just a couple editorial comments to button this contest entry up:

*CheckV* A teen by that time he had understood he was no longer desirable. -- To avoid confusion, insert a comma after "time," so that all-important pause stops a reader from swallowing the whole sentence in one gulp.

*CheckV* School wasn't in session so at least he didn't have that to worry about right away -- There may be an argument for inserting a comma after "session," but I'm not sure...However, I think there's a missing word: ...didn't have to worry about (that) right away (??)

*CheckV* He felt the almost forgotten prick of tears, his voice hoarse when he spoke, -- I like that this isn't a dialog tag, and that you put the dialog alone on the next paragraph. I would change the comma after 'spoke' to a period, and I suggest adding 'and' before 'his voice.'

*CheckV* "I know. If I could make it different I would." -- Need a comma after 'different.'

*CheckV* The punctuation is off in this line, I think: "No, I mean that people say 'I'd do anything to bring them back.' or 'I'd trade places with them if I could,' but they're just words ... empty attempts at comfort. You actually mean it." -- Here's what I suggest: "No, I mean that people say, 'I'd do anything to bring them back,' or 'I'd trade places with them if I could.' But they're just words...empty attempts at comfort. You actually mean it."

*CheckV* The following three lines have words that I think should be hyphenated:

*Bullet* Self pity had never been his thing and that last statement has sounded dangerously close when spoken out loud. -- Self-pity

*Bullet* They had a built in bullshit meter at this age. -- built-in

*Bullet* He looked up into eyes the same blue green as his own... -- blue-green


*Star* I have a very good feeling about this story, Mara. If the judges think it's half as brilliant as I do, I think you'll have a winner on your hands. Thanks so much for sending me the link. I absolutely loved reading this story! Good luck in the contest!! *Heart*




*Flower3* Nicki

Image #1763793 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Before 8 November  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nre Simply Positive Reviewer Signature.


Hello Thing! After reading your poem "Before 8 November, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The overall feeling I got from this wonderful poem was one of unconditional love. I liked how the weather images reflected storms, representing perhaps the rough times in a person's life. But this relationship withstood all the odds, no matter the 'weather'. The image of destiny 'carved in stone' added to the overall message.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: The cadence you achieved in this piece was wonderful. The perfect syllabic count and rhyme choices helped each line flow with the effortlessness of a song. Just beautiful!


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors!


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This poem was a pure pleasure to read. Thanks so much for sharing your gift with us!



*Peace* Nicki


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Review of Hidden Knowledge  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kate! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Hidden Knowledge.

[The comments following purple check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Lots of great story threads begin to weave together in this fast-paced short.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The first mention of Max's mustache added immediate intrigue to the back story of this short and pulled me deeper into the story.

*Thumbsup* Loved this descriptive line: No books, furniture, or marble were recognizable, the fire having molded them into irreconcilable configurations of post-modern art.

*Thumbsup* The pacing of this high-action story was spot-on. The tension started high, crested at the climax, and slowed nicely with the story's resolution. Well done!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* I realize this story was written in response to a contest prompt. And congrats on the honorable mention! There seems to be a lot more story to tell, though. I was intrigued by the moustache and the scar it conceals. That's one area I'd enjoy seeing expanded. Also, the story ends with the mysterious key. I'd love to know what it's for and who the gnomes who possessed it were. I hope you revisit and grow this intriguing story!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Just a couple things I noticed:

*BulletV* ...compelling the granulated waterfall of rain dampened soil and debris o the once-grand edifice... -- 'o' should perhaps be 'of'

*BulletR* The impact must have knocked him senseless, but for how long. -- Period should be a question mark

*BulletG* ...he found himself choosing the on site inspections... -- 'onsite' or 'on-site'

*BulletB* ...as he made the second circuit around collapsed building, this time recording the perimeter... -- 'the' should appear before 'collapsed'

*BulletV* “What are you doing, there’s nothing left to savage,” a high-pitched voice sounded... -- Since there are both a question and a statement here, I suggest this edit: “What are you doing? There’s nothing left to savage,” a high-pitched voice sounded...

*BulletR* ...a perfectly formed body that could have stood no more than five four feet from the ground. -- five or four feet?

*BulletG* After several miles, Max lowered his speed to the limit drove, one eye still on the rearview mirror, until he spotted a vacant roadside rest stop. -- Missing the word 'and' before 'drove'

*BulletB* ...what tomes of knowledge and joy did the locked door, in fact conceal? -- Missing a comma after 'fact'


*Star* I enjoyed your story very much, Kate! I'd like to feature it in the upcoming Action/Adventure newsletter (Mar. 30). *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki

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Review of The Blind Date  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Christina! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.


*Star* What I Liked:
It was very clever how you manipulated my comprehension with the clues doled out in this dialog. Each time I realized I'd been led down the wrong path, you put a smile on my face. This was great fun to read!



*Idea* Suggestions: I always feel like dialog sounds more authentic when it's less formal in speech patterns and style. I suggest playing with this a little, to see how subtle changes make the lines sound different. For example, use contractions whenever possible:

You are a blue-eyed blond woman and... I love blonds. It’s amazing. I think we will have a great evening... -- Try this:

A blue-eyed blond woman... I love blonds. It’s amazing. I think we'll have a great evening...





Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

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Review of A Lovely Chain  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Elimion! Welcome to Writing.com. It's a pleasure to read your work today.

In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "A Lovely Chain.


[The comments following violet check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I enjoyed the full-circle aspect of this story, with the ending mirroring the beginning, for a new character. Very clever!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Even though this was written in third person, you went deep with the point-of-view narration. I liked that I really felt up-close-and-personal with the narrator. I especially enjoyed following his line of reasoning in the paragraph beginning, 'Was it a summons from a secret organization...' -- This hinted at his colorful personality!

*Thumbsup* It was fun to listen to the contrast between the letter sent 'snail mail' and the other, higher tech items on the desk.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*CheckV* It's such a small thing, but it would have been interesting to know the main character's name. A name paints images in a reader's mind, helps him or her 'see' the character more clearly. A clever place where you could slip it in, should you decide to, is when he's mentioning the fact that his name didn't appear on the envelop with his home address.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*CheckV* I noticed a couple places where the past tense slipped erroneously into present. For example:

There was no name, and he didn’t even know whether the sender is was female in the first place.

The sender wouldn’t mind if he passed this treasure to one who really needs needed it, won’t would s/he?

*CheckV* The first thing that came to mind was: what the hell. -- Suggestion: The first thing that came to mind was: What the hell?

*CheckV* Maybe you already know, maybe you haven’t. -- 'haven't' should be 'don't'



*Star* Thanks for sharing your work with us. Write on!




*Flower3* Nicki


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Review of Release  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Circle of Sisters  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1664809 Unavailable **



Hello Pat! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter.



*Star* What I Liked:


*Thumbsup* The imagery of a woman, dancing, unabashed, unwinding from all the stresses in her life, is one of beauty and peace. I pictured healing energy coursing through her body, so I could actually feel her rejuvenation. Nicely done!

*Thumbsup* I liked the sound of this piece. Every line had an abundance of the [s] sound, in consonance and in alliteration. As I read, I heard a constant "hiss," an exhalation of sorts, within the lines -- so that I was reminded of steam escaping a kettle, which reinforced the theme of released pressure. I don't know if this was intentional or not, but it was, for me, a point of brilliance in your poem.



*Idea* Suggestions:

*Pointright* Since you mention in the title description that this poem was inspired by a photo prompt, I thought it would have been a nice touch to include that photo, either at the top or bottom of the poem. Just a thought *Smile*



Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!



~Nicki~
Nicki's Newest R.S. Sig

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