Hi Mara! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Strays" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]
Initial Reaction: Okay, so I'm not saying this because you're my dear friend or because I'm (arguably ) your number one fan. This is the truth: Something about the first paragraph gripped me, and I was instantaneously invested in this story from that moment on. I think it was the vividness of your characterizations (...Jared turned to see Cass still standing in the doorway. Her fingers twisted in the duffle's strap as she looked around...) and the hook in the last sentence. (He felt for the kid, dumped off with an uncle she barely knew.) I knew the second I started reading that I was going to love this story, and I was right.
What I liked:
The challenge in the "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" contest is basically to craft a character, using an opening scene and back story. You met that challenge with Jared, who is a work of art. He's likable, but rough around the edges. He's committed to his life, but deeply conflicted. And this story introduces him in a scene that opens a Pandora's box of complications to come, but I was rooting for him from his first sweeping gesture. Bravo!
I love, love, LOVED Cass. Her storyline possibilities are endless. For me, her two most important lines of dialog were: "Do you know a lot about fourteen year old girls?" she sneered. ~and then~ "I'm sorry I was such a bitch. It was you that didn't deserve that," she muttered. She's tough, self-reliant. And yet, she recognizes when she's vulnerable and has done wrong. She, too, is a fantastic character.
The title of this piece is brilliant, as it describes both generations of "strays" in this family. Your mastery in this craft was oh-so-obvious when you wove the title metaphor into the story. When Jared thought, Who wanted a mangy mutt when they could have a puppy? -- I "got" him, understood his core conflict from that one line. And then the whole descriptive paragraph that follows that line continued and expanded on the "stray" metaphor, using descriptions like, 'clothes too small for his rangy frame and ribs showing.' Exquisite writing, Mara!
The pacing and flow of this story was perfect. Every line led logically and effortlessly into the next. Paragraph breaks happened exactly where they should. The back story weaved in and out of the front story with natural, gentle beats that never slowed down the pace of the piece. Everything about your writing style and creative choices mesmerized me. I was fully engaged and my focus never wandered, from the first sentence to the last.
Suggestions: Ummmmm...write Jared and Cass's story? Like, all of it. So much potential here, and you seem to know these people. I would read a whole novel to get to know them as well as you seem to, based on this piece.
Grammar/Spelling Oops: -- Just a couple editorial comments to button this contest entry up:
A teen by that time he had understood he was no longer desirable. -- To avoid confusion, insert a comma after "time," so that all-important pause stops a reader from swallowing the whole sentence in one gulp.
School wasn't in session so at least he didn't have that to worry about right away -- There may be an argument for inserting a comma after "session," but I'm not sure...However, I think there's a missing word: ...didn't have to worry about (that) right away (??)
He felt the almost forgotten prick of tears, his voice hoarse when he spoke, -- I like that this isn't a dialog tag, and that you put the dialog alone on the next paragraph. I would change the comma after 'spoke' to a period, and I suggest adding 'and' before 'his voice.'
"I know. If I could make it different I would." -- Need a comma after 'different.'
The punctuation is off in this line, I think: "No, I mean that people say 'I'd do anything to bring them back.' or 'I'd trade places with them if I could,' but they're just words ... empty attempts at comfort. You actually mean it." -- Here's what I suggest: "No, I mean that people say, 'I'd do anything to bring them back,' or 'I'd trade places with them if I could.' But they're just words...empty attempts at comfort. You actually mean it."
The following three lines have words that I think should be hyphenated:
Self pity had never been his thing and that last statement has sounded dangerously close when spoken out loud. -- Self-pity
They had a built in bullshit meter at this age. -- built-in
He looked up into eyes the same blue green as his own... -- blue-green
I have a very good feeling about this story, Mara. If the judges think it's half as brilliant as I do, I think you'll have a winner on your hands. Thanks so much for sending me the link. I absolutely loved reading this story! Good luck in the contest!!
Nicki
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