Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED"  ! Here is the review for "After-Land" :
 Initial Reaction: This is a well-written opening to a bigger story. I really enjoyed the narration and thought Meg was a perfect point-of-view narrator. I was engaged by the wonderful descriptions of Meg and her friends, and felt I could really see Meg's world through the filter of her perception. Since this is a work in progress, I have made comments and suggestions that may help you polish these first two chapters, and give you some direction for the rest of the novel. Please only take away from this review what you find helpful and in tune with your creative muse, and disregard the rest! 
 What I liked:
 The narrator POV has a strong voice that stays consistent throughout the story. I really "heard" a teenager's perspective as she narrated the story.
Heidi agrees, then says, “I’ll pick you up at 9, ok? And please, please, dress like a girl.” -- You found a very creative way to work Meg's physical description into the action of the story. This was so much more enjoyable to read than if you'd said, 'Character X, with her such and such color hair and such and such color eyes, smiled at Character Y.'
The argument between Meg and Mom unfolded with perfect pace and was written with true authenticity. Nice job!
The party scene was full of interesting descriptions that I found engaging. You captured the uncertainty young people feel in social settings and the interactions between the characters was believable.
 Suggestions:
 Little did I know this little party was going to change my life drastically. -- This line is an example of a creative decision that often works against its intention. The idea, I think, was to heighten tension for the reader. What happens, though, is the reader feels a little like when you're in a movie theatre and someone in the seats behind you whispers what's going to happen in the next scene. A more effective tool is to build tension into the plot using clever foreshadowing of coming events.
Another idea would be to use the story's opening as a vehicle to introduce the idea that 'today would be life-altering.' You have to be creative so as to not give away the climatic event, but a strong opening paragraph should hook the reader with intrigue and the hint that this is not just a story about an ordinary day. (Also, novelists often revise the beginning of the first chapter once the rest of the story is written in draft form because plot ideas come to the writer as the project progresses. Once you know how the story ultimately ends, you can better write a fantastic beginning!)
I knew some of the more stylish styles and how to style them. -- Repetition of a word in a sentence, or in close proximity in a paragraph, can be distracting. I suggest using two synonyms for the noun and verb definitions of "style."
Re-check the timing of events in this chapter. Early in the story you write: Heidi agrees, then says, “I’ll pick you up at 9, ok? And please, please, dress like a girl.” -- Then, after the argument with Mom, Meg calls Heidi back to change the time Heidi's to pick her up: I hesitate, wondering by what time my mother would leave the house. "Er, 9 o'clock or something," I suggest, although it sounds more like a question.
I was confused by the location of the party. When the party was described as "Mel's," I immediately pictured a party at the girl's house. When Meg and Heidi arrive, they wonder if Mel's parent's know about the party, and later they go to a buffet where food is laid out. All the descriptions validated the imagery I'd established in my mind's eye, until I got to this line:
"Very," I tell her, then follow the direction of the washroom. I push open the white door and peep inside. There is a group of girls from school - older than me probably - applying make-up inside. There was also this description of the washroom: Plucking out a tissue from one of those machines, I wet it and start dabbing the liquid off my shirt. -- I wondered where the party was set, at a person's home or in a club? Though perhaps not integral to the plot, this kind of confusion pulls a reader out of the story.
I suggest spending more time developing the climatic scene. The rising action started with Dad's phone call, and I was wondering if something terrible had happened to Sara, an accident or fire or something, that would have been prevented if Meg had been where she should have been. My thoughts were going in that direction even though Dad only told Meg to get home, so the actual climax really came out of left field for me. For such a dramatic and horrific event to carry the emotional impact that it deserves, you really need to pace it correctly so that the reader is along for the ride. As it is written, the moment comes and goes too quickly making the shock too sudden to fully enjoy.
 Grammar/spelling Oops:
 We’ve been bffs since about forever. -- Using text abbreviations in literature/creative writing is as brand new as the text language itself. "BFF," "OMG," "LOL,' etc. have made their way into our spoken language, but I don't know what are the rules for writing according to the style books that guide us. I would suggest reserving abbreviations like these for spoken dialogue. If you must use them elsewhere, I would capitalize the letters and surround them with quotation marks.
Here are links to the two style books heeded as the go-to sources for writers. Perhaps guidelines exist for text language abbreviations!:
http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/home.html
http://www.apstylebook.com/
I noticed some shifts in verb tenses from past to present. This story opens in past tense, which is the most widely used and (arguably) most effective tense for story telling. I suggest a thorough edit to bring all the verbs that shifted momentarily into present tense back to past. Here is an excerpt to illustrate:
There was a short tap on my door just then. My attention was swayed slightly for a moment.
“Meg? Can I come in?” It is Mom’s voice; I can tell.
I turn back to the mirror and run a hand through my hair. “Door’s not lock,” I say to her.
I hear the doorknob being twisted slightly and a moment later, my mother enters my bedroom. Through the mirror, I can see Mom’s unspoken appalled shock at my messy room, What is going on? I know: I’ve got clothes thrown everywhere, pillows hanging above one cupboard and papers and assignments scattered along my table, floor and even lying on my bed.
 Shifted back to past tense (with a suggested edit when Mom comes in the room):
There was a short tap on my door just then. My attention was swayed slightly for a moment.
“Meg? Can I come in?” It was Mom’s voice; I could tell.
I turned back to the mirror and ran a hand through my hair. “Door’s not locked,” I said to her.
I heard the doorknob being twisted slightly and a moment later, my mother entered my bedroom. Through the mirror, I could see Mom’s unspoken appalled shock at my messy room: What was going on in here? her look said. I had clothes thrown everywhere, pillows hung above one cupboard and papers and assignments were scattered along my table, floor and even lying on my bed.
And Michael was going to be there!!! Oh…tragedy…. What if Melissa happened to hit on him!?! Oh, the unspoken fears!: was planning to do it??? Or what if there were other girls‒!???!! -- Use of more than one punctuation mark at the end of a sentence gives the writing an unpolished look. Rely instead on the power of high impact vocabulary and the emotion of the words.
Your author's voice is young and fresh, and I wish you the best of luck as you develop this story. Do write on!!
 I will roll the virtual dice on July 1st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!
Write On!
 ~ Nicki ~
Image # 1247936 over display limit. -?-
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What I liked:
Suggestions:
Look for places in your writing where the wording is weakened by words like somewhat, almost, rather, kind of, a bit, etc.. For example, see how much stronger your sentences are without them:
The bus ride soothed him. The engine hummed a steady tune, and the old frame creaked rhythmically.
Nicki
Thanks for sharing your creative talent with us!
I know there are variations to the Pantoum out there, though a quick Google search just now didn't lead me to discover any. In the traditional form, the final stanza consists entirely of repeated lines: 
