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Hi Fyn! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Birthing Place" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]
Initial Reaction: What a beautiful story you have told! I knew from the first paragraph that this story was written for Short Shots, because I have studied the picture looking for my own inspiration. Had I never seen the photograph, however, I would have been able to picture the scene perfectly thanks to the beautiful descriptions in your story's opening. That paragraph set the tone of the piece as well, and foreshadowed the plot ready to unfold. I was hooked from the beginning.
What I liked:
The symbols you used to express the themes of this story were wonderful. The dock signifying a safe haven to come back to, a port in the storm, was a creative use of the prompt and a strong thread that connected the narrator's childhood, present problem, and relationship to her husband. I loved the homophones berth and birth -- perfect in this story!
The questions the narrator asked herself when packing up the house, about whether she would need her winter coat or Christmas tree ornaments, was another wonderful example of continuity of symbols woven throughout that brought a richness to the story.
The loving relationship between the narrator and her husband was shown in exquisite detail through his actions as they settle into the cottage, as he rowed her around the lake, at the story's ending. Not once did the characters say 'I love you' to each other, yet there was never a moment that I didn't feel their incredible love.
The paragraph that begins 'I took my coffee, grabbed my jacket he’d hung on the peg by the door and wandered down to the dock...' contained stunning imagery and described the setting in a sensual way that I could easily see in my mind's eye.
Suggestions:
The first time I read through this, I was aware that "he" referred to the narrator's unnamed husband. However, early in the story you write: Death would have to wait a while for his closure. -- The next time you use "he" is: Would I be around to need my winter coat? We packed it. He made those decisions my mind refused to make. -- I stopped here, asking myself if you meant he, the husband, or he, Death. I decided it was the husband, but I suggest replacing "he" with "my husband" to avoid confusion.
I thought it was very effective to switch from past tense to present at the end of the story. The intimacy achieved with this decision is poignant; the reader feels like s/he stands shoulder to shoulder with the narrator as she learns the future is hers to enjoy. The paragraph before the break which begins 'Christmas Day was a jumble of wrapping paper...' shifts between past and present with sentences like: ...Children, unaware of our journey the past year, tell me I have lost weight and asked what diet I’ve been on. I am told they love my new pixie haircut. He sidetracked them with a tale of the puppy’s antics and I flashed him a smile of relief... -- I suggest making the break occur just before this paragraph, so that 'Christmas day is a jumble of wrapping paper...' and so on in present tense through to the end.
Grammar/Spelling Oops: Some editorial comments before the contest closes:
Of course, I remembered my grandmother telling me as a child, that the dock was actually the water next to a pier. -- Since this is not a "so that" sentence, I think removing the comma after child is appropriate.
Strands of falling hair awere carried to the blooming lilacs by gentle spring breezes. I imagined their being woven into robin’s nests. -- LOVE these images!! Note though: awere should be were; robin's nests should be robins' nests or a robin's nest.
The docto rwas still rambling on but... -- doctor was
He was smiling. ‘Trust the results.’ He said. ‘You are doing better. It is working.’ -- He was smiling. ‘Trust the results,’ he said. ‘You are doing better. It is working.’
This paragraph has some dialogue issues. My offered suggests follow: I was afraid to listen. Hope was as fleeting as the sun rise, I said. ‘But it rises every day. Whether it is blocked by clouds or not, the sun rises and darkness is beaten back by the light. You are getting better. You’ve got to hold on to that and believe it.’ His expression, his eyes, were so full of love: He is my dock and there by the water I slipped into sleep as the geese glided by, their seven teenaged goslings following behind them.
I was afraid to listen. "Hope is as fleeting as the sunrise," I said.
‘But it rises every day. Whether it is blocked by clouds or not, the sun rises and darkness is beaten back by the light. You are getting better. You’ve got to hold on to that and believe it.’ His expression, his eyes, were so full of love: He is my dock and there by the water I slipped into sleep as the geese glided by, their seven teenaged goslings following behind them.
Radiation replaces chemo. -- There's a verb tense shift here. I suggest: Radiation replaced chemo.
There was ice on the lake and it screeched against the wood en dock. -- wooden dock
I was deeply touched by your story, and I loved the ending! Best of luck to you in the contest! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work this afternoon.
Nicki
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