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Review of The Lemon Tree  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Cubby! After reading your poem "The Lemon Tree, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: What a happy poem! The lines were fresh, upbeat, and a pure joy to read. Everything was working to offer an enjoyable reading experience.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* In perfect triplet form, each tercet's lines ended with a true rhyme.

*Thumbsup* The poem's rhythm was strong and pleasant due to the regular use of seven or eight syllables per line. It sounded great when I read it silently, and flowed off my tongue when I read it aloud.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the sound of the alliteration in this stanza:

Flavors candy, cough drops, cake
Used in many foods we bake
Cookies for a coffee break


*Thumbsup* The smiley face lemon tree you created at the poem's heading is adorable and set the happy tone right away.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

I noticed no errors! *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This was a lot of fun to read!! Thanks for sharing your creative talent!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Kiya!

I have been trying to create my first WDC web page since upgrading my membership to premium several months ago -- and this tutorial has really helped the bits and pieces of information I have gotten from my own web searches sink in. Thank you so much for explaining these basic HTML tags in simple, layman's terms.

The links you include on this page have been incredibly helpful!

If you hadn't sponsored this page on the WDC web pages list, I may never have found it! I don't know how much you spend on bid clicks for this advertisement, but please accept this small donation so that other members who will benefit from this tutorial will find it as easily as I did. *Smile*

I so admire your talent, Kiya, and all that you do to make WDC a great community! Have a wonderful week!

*Heart* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Steph! After reading your poem "The Soul of an Isle, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Though the story of St. Patrick's Day origins is not all joyful, you managed to tell it with a tone of celebration and happiness. I liked that you explained the significance of the three and four leaf shamrocks.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: You used an interesting rhyme scheme in this piece. I liked that, generally, lines one and two of each stanza rhymed. Clever!

I also liked the repeat of (on) St. Patty's Day in every last line of the stanzas. This choice brought cohesiveness to the poem.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: In this line, should 'hold' be 'Holy'?: helped explain the hold Trinity


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your St. Patty's Day tribute with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Freddy's letter  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **


Hi Dr Boris! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Freddy's letter.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I felt like I was actually reading a relic from the past instead of a wonderful example of contemporary creative writing!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The voice you established in this letter sounded authentic and brought incredible believability to this period piece. From the word choices and descriptions, to the imagery based on historic events, this letter sounded like the real deal. Great job!


*Idea* Suggestions: None -- this was exemplary writing.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Just a couple minor editorial comments:

You have met the man Kitty, he is a disgrace. -- I suggest a semi-colon in place of the comma as it connects two independent clauses.

He made such a pathetic figure Kitty, a grown man and cavalry officer blubbering and sobbing in front of the enlisted men that I did not have the heart to refuse him. -- There is a missing comma after 'men', needed because the nonessential modifying phrase should be set off with a pair of commas.

I am an ornery old man, I will admit, but I am an honourable man Kitty, I told him in no uncertain terms that no man is to be left to those devils and dismissed him from my presence. -- The comma after 'Kitty' should be a semi-colon.


*Star* I really enjoyed reading your work. Thanks for sharing it!




*Flower3* Nicki

Rising Star Sig

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Review of NOAH'S ARC  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1533819 Unavailable **


Hello Meg! After reading your poem "NOAH'S ARC, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: I love that this poem rejoices in the rains! I'm an American who lived in central Africa where the dry season finally ends with six months of blessed rain. This poem reminded me of the rejuvenation of those parched lands, and the celebratory feelings the rains brought to us there.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* There was a nice, lyrical quality to the lines, particularly the first line of each stanza.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the imagery in this piece. This was great:
There are crocodiles and fish swimming down the road outside,
They've found a whole new territory to roam.


*Thumbsup* The explanation of the title was woven into the second stanza, but it was really brought to life in the last lines of the poem. Very creative!


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I didn't notice any errors in these areas. Nicely done!


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this uplifting and refreshing poem!


*Smile* Nicki



Rising Star Sig



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Daizy! After reading your poem "Nothing Can Compare, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: I couldn't agree more with the sentiments in this lovely poem. The warm feelings I felt as I read the first stanza tripled when I got through the third -- I thought it was neat how my reading experience mirrored the message in the poem!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the rhyme scheme of this piece, which added to the gentle cadence of the lines and gave it a nice, lyrical quality.

If I may suggest one small thing, I would offer that the title of the poem seems off to the side and disconnected from the centered stanzas. It may look sleeker if the title lined up with the poem.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Nice job placing punctuation appropriately. I wondered if you'd tried not capitalizing every line, only those that began a new 'sentence' or 'thought'?


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This sweet poem was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing it!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Fyn!

*Star* Congratulations on a masterpiece of a story! I was hooked by your descriptive language and strong tone in the first paragraph, and stayed engaged through to the last word. Fantastic read!


*Thumbsup* The main characters are round and solid, and you show the reader with exquisite details their loving relationship.

*Thumbsup* The symbols you chose to explore the themes of this piece, (enduring love, living in the moment when life gets tough, and hope when all hope seems lost), enrich the reading experience and contain a strong moral as well.

*Thumbsup* The plot unfolds with precision pace and its emotional impact is great.

*Star* I hope WDC members looking for an exceptional read find their way to this story. It won't disappoint!

Best of luck to you in the contest *Smile*

Yours,
Nicki
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Review of Coloring Lesson  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Fyn! After reading your poem "Coloring Lesson, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This is beautiful! The progression of the poem's imagery begins with the child coloring what she is told, but not what is expected. I felt immediately connected to the child, the narrator, as a creative person sometimes misunderstood.

The last full stanza and couplet bring the poem's emotional imagery full circle, and show the perseverance of the narrator's spirit. I felt like cheering her on, so much could I identify with her.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The tone set in the first stanza carries through the rest, as the narrator describes her life in cycles of seasons, and yesterdays and tomorrows. I was deeply touched by the metaphors used in these descriptions; they were poignant and beautiful.

*Thumbsup* The poem flowed effortlessly both when I read it to myself and when I read it aloud.

*Thumbsup* Great use of sound devices to add to the poem's rhythmic quality.

*Thumbsup* Though it's impossible for me to choose a favorite stanza, I did appreciate the language in this one very much:

Tomorrows are the children of today
and today is replete with echoed shadows
layered upon misted visions
floating just beyond my ken



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Smile*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This piece really spoke to me. Thanks so much for sharing it!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of American Stew  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Fyn! After reading your poem "American Stew, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: There is pride and frustration in this poem, and the questions asked evoked in me a sympathy for the narrator's position. I felt in agreement with the argument that we are all the same, regardless of from where our ancestors hailed.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the metaphor in the title of this piece, and its exploration in the poem. It took the image of the melting pot and gave it a twist. I especially like the idea that our differences are the seasonings that add to the flavor of the ingredients making up the stew.

*Thumbsup* The last stanza was clever. By changing the syllabic meter and adding a rhyme scheme, you have effectively brought greater emphasis to the final verse, where the poem's message is stated more clearly and strongly than before. This allows the message to linger after the reader has finished.

*Check2* The underlined lines were enigmatic to me:

There is no United Irish College Fund
to send my son to school, nor group to defend
the rights of poor sod farmer's get
.
-- I wasn't sure to what a 'sod farmer's get' referred.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors in these areas! *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I would have enjoyed hearing a synopsis of the newspaper article from which inspiration for this poem was drawn. I love the idea of using articles and real life events to prompt poetry. Your resulting poem was very successful and highly engaging. Thanks for sharing it!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Winter Touches  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Fyn! After reading your poem "Winter Touches, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Each stanza deals with another facet of winter and the emotional impact changes with each. It was wonderful how you showed that sometimes we see the beauty of the season, other times the harsher side is evident.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The easy flow of this free form piece is owed in part to the regular organization of syllables arranged in shorter and longer lines consistent in each stanza.

*Thumbsup* I liked how the third line of every stanza was just one word, a high impact verb that drove home the imagery of the verse.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the moments of alliteration, particularly in the third stanza.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: The sparse punctuation was appropriate when it appeared to mark intended pauses. I liked that only the first word in most of the stanzas was capitalized.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: On Sunday down here in Georgia, we had our first significant snowfall in five years. We witnessed a little of every stanza in this poem *Smile*. Thanks for sharing your creativity!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Tomorrow's Child  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Fyn! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Tomorrow's Child.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This fantastical story invited my imagination to join in the telling as it mentioned artifacts from today's society long forgotten and then misunderstood by the village people in the tale.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I liked that the story was separated into two parts, each with a different POV. This allowed me to understand the Storyteller and his mission in life before giving me access to the real main character in the story, Thevri.

*Thumbsup* It was fun to imagine the future the way you have portrayed it. I enjoyed the simplistic names used by the characters for times of the day, daily activities, and age groups. Very creative!

*Thumbsup* The last line was very clever, and through Thevri's question the story line beyond the story's ending was revealed.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I was a bit confused by the order of event in this section: The tribespeople stood silent, confused. Thevri bent over and retrieved the piece of paper that Dak had tossed away. She went to her sleeping space and put the few things she had in her pack. -- Then, after the Storyteller and Thevri stop in the cave for the night: As he built a small fire, again using his blue firetool, Thevri sleepily asked him if she could read the paper. He handed it to her and she read. -- I had assumed she'd read the paper when she retrieved it earlier. Perhaps it was the Storyteller who had bent over and picked the paper up?


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

“Shhhhh.” He said with a smile. “Don’t tell!” -- *Right* “Shhhhh,” he said with a smile. “Don’t tell!”

“She cannot be your mate.” He told Dak. -- *Right* “She cannot be your mate,” he told Dak.


*Star* The was an engaging and entertaining read! Thanks for sharing it!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Fyn! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Birthing Place.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: What a beautiful story you have told! I knew from the first paragraph that this story was written for Short Shots, because I have studied the picture looking for my own inspiration. Had I never seen the photograph, however, I would have been able to picture the scene perfectly thanks to the beautiful descriptions in your story's opening. That paragraph set the tone of the piece as well, and foreshadowed the plot ready to unfold. I was hooked from the beginning.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The symbols you used to express the themes of this story were wonderful. The dock signifying a safe haven to come back to, a port in the storm, was a creative use of the prompt and a strong thread that connected the narrator's childhood, present problem, and relationship to her husband. I loved the homophones berth and birth -- perfect in this story!

*Thumbsup* The questions the narrator asked herself when packing up the house, about whether she would need her winter coat or Christmas tree ornaments, was another wonderful example of continuity of symbols woven throughout that brought a richness to the story.

*Thumbsup* The loving relationship between the narrator and her husband was shown in exquisite detail through his actions as they settle into the cottage, as he rowed her around the lake, at the story's ending. Not once did the characters say 'I love you' to each other, yet there was never a moment that I didn't feel their incredible love.

*Thumbsup* The paragraph that begins 'I took my coffee, grabbed my jacket he’d hung on the peg by the door and wandered down to the dock...' contained stunning imagery and described the setting in a sensual way that I could easily see in my mind's eye.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* The first time I read through this, I was aware that "he" referred to the narrator's unnamed husband. However, early in the story you write: Death would have to wait a while for his closure. -- The next time you use "he" is: Would I be around to need my winter coat? We packed it. He made those decisions my mind refused to make. -- I stopped here, asking myself if you meant he, the husband, or he, Death. I decided it was the husband, but I suggest replacing "he" with "my husband" to avoid confusion.

*Check2* I thought it was very effective to switch from past tense to present at the end of the story. The intimacy achieved with this decision is poignant; the reader feels like s/he stands shoulder to shoulder with the narrator as she learns the future is hers to enjoy. The paragraph before the break which begins 'Christmas Day was a jumble of wrapping paper...' shifts between past and present with sentences like: ...Children, unaware of our journey the past year, tell me I have lost weight and asked what diet I’ve been on. I am told they love my new pixie haircut. He sidetracked them with a tale of the puppy’s antics and I flashed him a smile of relief... -- I suggest making the break occur just before this paragraph, so that 'Christmas day is a jumble of wrapping paper...' and so on in present tense through to the end.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Some editorial comments before the contest closes:

*Bullet* Of course, I remembered my grandmother telling me as a child, that the dock was actually the water next to a pier. -- Since this is not a "so that" sentence, I think removing the comma after child is appropriate.

*Bullet* Strands of falling hair awere carried to the blooming lilacs by gentle spring breezes. I imagined their being woven into robin’s nests. -- LOVE these images!! Note though: awere should be were; robin's nests should be robins' nests or a robin's nest.

*Bullet* The docto rwas still rambling on but... -- doctor was

*Bullet* He was smiling. ‘Trust the results.’ He said. ‘You are doing better. It is working.’ -- *Right* He was smiling. ‘Trust the results,’ he said. ‘You are doing better. It is working.’

*Bullet* This paragraph has some dialogue issues. My offered suggests follow: I was afraid to listen. Hope was as fleeting as the sun rise, I said. ‘But it rises every day. Whether it is blocked by clouds or not, the sun rises and darkness is beaten back by the light. You are getting better. You’ve got to hold on to that and believe it.’ His expression, his eyes, were so full of love: He is my dock and there by the water I slipped into sleep as the geese glided by, their seven teenaged goslings following behind them.

I was afraid to listen. "Hope is as fleeting as the sunrise," I said.

‘But it rises every day. Whether it is blocked by clouds or not, the sun rises and darkness is beaten back by the light. You are getting better. You’ve got to hold on to that and believe it.’ His expression, his eyes, were so full of love: He is my dock and there by the water I slipped into sleep as the geese glided by, their seven teenaged goslings following behind them.


*Bullet* Radiation replaces chemo. -- There's a verb tense shift here. I suggest: Radiation replaced chemo.

*Bullet* There was ice on the lake and it screeched against the wood en dock. -- wooden dock


*Star* I was deeply touched by your story, and I loved the ending! Best of luck to you in the contest! I look forward to reading and reviewing more of your work this afternoon.




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Family Memories  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello SybariteScribe! After reading your poem "Family Memories, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: You captured the nostalgic feelings evoked from photographs, and the emotions that stir when memories are revisited.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Good job following the rhyme scheme of the ottava rima. I also enjoyed the slant rhyme in 'journey's memories'.

*Check2* The ottava rima in English is usually written in iambic meter, most usually in iambic pentameter, although the use of eleven syllables per line is acceptable.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: The capitalization and punctuation of this piece showed the lines to be organized in sentences, and aided readability and flow.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: It has been a great pleasure to sample your work today! Thanks so much for sharing your creativity and talent with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi SybariteScribe! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Remembering Winters, pt 2 - Sledding .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I realized I had read and reviewed Remembering Winters, Pt 1, so I decided to read part two today. Glad I did, it was entertaining and timely as we had the first snow storm in five years down here in Atlanta on Sunday!


*Exclaim* What I liked: The overall tone of this piece is wonderful. I could picture the "potentially revenue generating" hill, and the sleds the boys used. [The children next door were sledding on sleds matching your description just yesterday. When I asked my neighbor about them, she said they had been her husband's. I was impressed that they were in such good shape, until I reminded myself that her husband grew up in Georgia where it snows (maybe, outside of drought decades) once a year. *Smile*]


*Idea* Suggestions: None -- this was pure fun to read!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: None! *Cool*


*Star* I love your work, fiction, non-fiction -- you can write it all!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Sherry!

I was posting in the forum and I realized I have never reviewed Simply Positive?!! I'd like to do so now *Smile*

I want to tell you how great it is to see Simply Positive sigs on the public review page every day. Most of the reviews given by our members are insightful and encouraging, and are written in the spirit of writers wanting to support writers in improving their craft.

I am proud to be a member of Simply Positive. Thanks for all you do to support good reviewing practices, and for helping the WDC community be ever stronger.

Have a wonderful evening!
~Nicki~
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Review of Beaks of Terror  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi there! This review is for "Beaks of Terror, your entry for "Invalid Item.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This suspenseful tale blends horror and humor resulting in an entertaining read!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Good use of the picture prompt to inspire this story.

*Thumbsup* I liked your descriptive voice, which helped bring the story to life. I enjoyed this line: Searching for my Achilles' heel they proceeded to peck and scratch, trying to find the fatal flaw in my armor of Levi and Gap.

*Thumbsup* The last line of the epilogue was amusing!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* The first paragraph is strictly descriptive, and doesn't really hook the reader with action or intrigue. I was wondering if the intro would be stronger if it began with the line: The owner scowled at me. "We're closing in a few minutes... can I help you find something?"

If this line were followed by the paragraph beginning, 'I was standing just past the entrance to Fur and Feathers...' --- then the original paragraphs one and two. At this point, the owner could prod the main character with another grumpy question, leading into the line, ""I need some hamster food... and, I really need to use your bathroom. I'll be quick, promise." -- Trying this may not only draw the reader immediately into the action of the story, but also establish the ominous tone which is not evident in the first paragraph of the story.

*Check2* To help internal thoughts stand apart from spoken dialogue, it's helpful to use italics. For example: "Ohhhh. I'll bet they're vicious parakeets," I thought. -- Try: Ohhhh. I'll bet they're vicious parakeets, I thought.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: This piece is tightly written. I only noticed a couple of minor errors:

"I'll be right back" I said as I hurried toward the rear. -- You are missing a comma after 'back'

Opening the door, I said "I can't believe the power went..." -- Missing a comma after 'said'


*Star* Thanks for sharing this story! Best of luck to you in the contest!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of My poem  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
SP & ARMY ANGEL Review sig.



Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "My poem:


*Note1* Emotional Impact: The sadness and disillusionment is poignant in this poem. I felt tenderness and sorrow for the narrator, especially through the early lines of the piece. The impact of the tone and emotions expressed was heavy on my heart.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I liked the structure of this piece, whose orderliness reflected the stages of the narrator's life, and at each stage the same question was posed again and again. This drove the feelings of the poem home.

*Question* I wondered if you have played with the idea of adding a double line break after each question "Tell Me...... Do You Care?" This would establish quatrains that may better depict the separate moments of the narrator's life.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Just a couple of editorial comments:

Took my first steps, I spoke my first word -- Since there are two complete thoughts here, I suggest using a semi-colon instead of a comma after 'here'

Im all grown up now, Did much of it on my own -- Im should be I'm; and I would again use a semi-colon after 'now'

You are gone now, you left without a word -- replace the comma with a semi-colon


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thank you for sharing this deeply moving poem with us!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Image #1247936 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Mopsy and Oliver  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
SP & ARMY ANGEL Review sig.



Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "Mopsy and Oliver:


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I liked this light-hearted poem very much! I experienced reading it like putting together a puzzle, and as each line presented another piece I enjoyed trying to guess what the whole picture would turn out to be. I found this a very entertaining, interactive piece.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Nice job using a rhyme scheme with lines two and four of the quatrains to add to the rhythmic flow of the piece.

The decision to open with a tercet and then switch to quatrains was acceptable as this was a free form poem, but I thought the rhythm would have been established earlier on had the first stanza also contained four lines.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Great use of questions to keep the poem lively and interactive with the reader. I noticed no mistakes in this area.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I had a good time reading your poem. Thanks for sharing, and do write on!



*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Image #1247936 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Veto  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
SP & ARMY ANGEL Review sig.



Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "Veto:


*Note1* Emotional Impact: This is a powerful piece of poetry that tugs at the heart of the reader. There is such sadness, such remorse, in every line. The imagery you chose worked to create the tone of the piece, and added to its emotional impact. I loved the reference to Luminol -- very poignant!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: This free form poem carries high impact with short one or two word lines woven through three and four line stanzas. I thought the shorter lines really drove home the emotional effect. I loved this line: a quietened wail *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Great use of punctuation to guide the reader across the lines. My only question is with the last line: My Repent.... -- I believe 'repent' is a verb; the noun form is 'repentance'.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for the great read. Do write on!



*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
Image #1247936 over display limit. -?-

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Review of Espial  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
SP & ARMY ANGEL Review sig.



Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "Espial:


*Note1* Emotional Impact: From the photo at the top to the imagery in the lines, this piece evoked in me a highly emotional response. I thought about many things as I read this poem, notably about two people who fell deeply in love when they were young, but who over the years struggled as each evolved in their life, searching for their individuality yet trying to remain a half of the relationship whole. I was reminded that as this happens to people, the passion they once shared seems to dim, and it becomes harder and harder to recapture it. I was left thankful that my own life has seen some of these challenges met, and hopeful that my husband and I will remain "two seekers together - discovered at last."


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Each stanza enjoyed a gentle flow uninterrupted by awkward pauses or mismatched wordings. The a-b-a-b rhyme scheme aided the rhythmic flow.

Great use of the theme noted at the bottom to guide the imagery and emotional impact of the poem.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I thought the punctuation used was appropriate and well-placed, and added to the readability of the piece.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Your poetic talent shines in this lovely poem. I look forward to reading more of your work. Do write on!



*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
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Review of The walk  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
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Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "The walk:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Wow! There is a lot going on in this short story, and the blend of slice-of-life and fantasy genres kept things lively.


*Star* What I liked: Your imagination is evident in this short, and the blending of genres gives it an almost avant-garde feeling. This can work greatly to your advantage, but you've got to pull in the reins a bit and give the story some structure.


*Question* Suggestions: Written as it is, this isn't really a story as much as a rambling account of bizarre happenings, all of which seem isolated and disassociated with each other. A short story should open by introducing the plot, which unfolds through a series of events that may or may not seem related until the climax and resolution, where the story wraps up. I suggest finding a theme or thread that binds the story together, and helps it lead to a purposeful end.

The characters of the unnamed narrator and Diana are very colorful, but the other characters are enigmatic and their purpose is never revealed. The cat-like creature and the ducks are interesting but for their impact to work in the story there has to be some explanation as to what and who they are. Otherwise, the reader is confused by them as well as by the narrator's non-plussed reaction to them.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: I suggest another edit of this story, looking for and correcting the numerous mistakes in verb tense shifts (from past to present and back), punctuation (missing comma, notably), typos and missing words, and basic sentence structure and grammar.


*Star* Your creativity is unmistakable. With some attention to form and the mechanics of the short story, this story will improve technically and lead to an enjoyable reading experience. Good luck with it!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "You Thought You Were Lost?:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I really enjoyed reading this hilarious, slice-of-life story. Your writing style is wonderful and I was engaged and entertained from the beginning to the end.


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The descriptions of the people living in the neighborhood were fantastic. I got a strong visual of each player in the cast based solely on their speech or the visual clues you included in the action of the moments.

*Thumbsup* The story's opening two sentences were great -- they hooked me immediately and the humor set the tone for the piece.


*Question* Suggestions:

*Check2* My only suggestions deal with numbers. First, when a number under one hundred appears in a story, it is better to write it out rather than present it in numerals. For example: I was 55 and she was 50. -- *Right* I was fifty-five and she was fifty.

*Check2* Second, in the instance of: ...we’ve become pretty well settled here in Space 7... I think the numeral '7' should be used (*Laugh* darn exceptions to the rules!); however, you should keep the same 'look': Did you hear about Kathy in space 58? -- *Left* Space 58.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops:

*Check2* I noticed in several dialogue lines, rather than use concise sentences normally heard in real speech, you sometimes used compound sentences connected with commas/semi-colons. To keep dialogue sounding authentic, I suggest using more simple sentences. An example to illustrate is:

“Did you hear about Kathy in space 58? Someone saw a man leave her place late last night, it was after 9:13; I wonder why he was there?” -- Try: “Did you hear about Kathy in space 58? Someone saw a man leave her place late last night. It was after 9:13. I wonder why he was there?”

*Check2* Gladys lived over two streets my wife asked if she had seen an old man with white hair, wearing a brown jacket and tan sneakers wander by her place. -- I think there is a missing word or two in here.

*Check2* The last lines were great! There were a couple of punctuation issues, though:

“Thanks, Jan,” my wife said as she looked at me, hand cupped over the phone, “he wasn’t from the park so it’s OK.” Then she spoke into the phone, “Jan, Quick! Get the plate number, I wanna know who that woman in the car was.” -- Try this: “Thanks, Jan,” my wife said as she looked at me. Her hand cupped over the phone, she added, “He wasn’t from the park so it’s OK.” Then she spoke into the phone. “Jan, Quick! Get the plate number, I wanna know who that woman in the car was.”


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creative talent with us!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
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Review of The Bed  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "The Bed:


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This tightly written and emotional story spotlights your wonderful author's voice and impressive writing style. Great job!


*Star* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The words flowed seamlessly from one sentence to the next. With your descriptive language bringing a richness to each scene, I was able to see the various vignettes play out in my mind's eye.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the story's ending, when the narrator revealed him/herself as the child of the characters. Nice twist.



*Question* Suggestions:

*Check2* The opening of the story described the day the bed entered the lives of the main characters, and the bed remained a central symbol throughout the story. (I loved that in its ruined state it then became a symbol of the couple's love which could not be destroyed.) For the beginning of the story, however, the scene with the new bed did not really introduce the story in an effective way. I suggest writing a new first sentence(s) that elude to the fact that the following story will span the lifetime of the characters, or change the verb tenses of the first sentence from past tense to past perfect, so that the timing is more clear and the reader understands that the actions in the scene occurred at an earlier time. For example:

He grinned and blushed as she walked over to the four-poster bed. *Right* He had grinned and blushed that day long ago, as she walked over...

*Check2* The wording of this section was a bit confusing to me:

This day they had married; tomorrow he left for his enlistment in the navy. -- The sentence may read better if reworded along these lines (just an idea here *Smile*): The day after they married, he'd left for his enlistment in the navy.


*Check3* Grammar/spelling Oops: Just a couple of editorial comments:

It became a matter of when not if their home would be hit. -- *Right* It became a matter of when, not if, their home would be hit.

The posts ripped from the rails, breaking the precious hand-carved wooden pegs. -- There should be a comma after 'hand-carved'


*Star* Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us! (BTW, do you realize that the yellow case item you chose to link for this challenge -- of all the thousands of yellow cases on the site -- was from my real life sister's port?! *Laugh* What are the odds?!)


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Thanks for participating in "Newbie Bitem Challenge - CLOSED! Here is the review for "Heaven’s Shower Cast Me Tears:


*Note1* Emotional Impact: There is sadness and a sense of longing in the lines of this poem. But rain also makes me think of nourishment, cleansing, and renewal. Raindrops that are tears strike an emotional image of contrast and conflict.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

This free form poem doesn't have a regular range of syllables per line, though when subsequent lines shared the same number of syllables the rhythm improved.

I believe you did use the word "thee" correctly *Smile* It is an old version of "you."

This poem seems to maintain the present tense of the verbs, with the exception of the first line in Stanza One: Mother Nature cast her spell, -- I suggest Mother Nature casts her spell.

The next line, then, should also use present tense: Showers earth with divine,

With regard to the line: Whispering to me, I suggest using 'whisper to me' because the whole stanza strikes me as one sentence, where the last line provides the verb and direct object. For this reason, too, I suggest considering making the first line of that stanza more noun-like, for example:

Blissful sparkles,
Rushing down from heaven,
So quiet and calm,
Whisper to me.



*Note3* Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

Raindrops washes my audacity, -- Here, the noun and verb don't agree. I suggest either: Raindrops wash --OR-- Raindrop washes


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


*Exclaim* PLEASE READ -- The challenge instructions ask that you include three bitem links to complete this activity. You have not linked an item from a yellow case, or from a blue case per the directions. To be eligible for the grand prize, you will need to go back to the forum and complete the challenge. Please title your new post "Do-over." Thanks!


*Note5* I will roll the virtual dice on February 21st to determine the winner of the 5000 gps. I will post the winner in the challenge forum and email him/her directly. Good luck!


Write On!
*Snow3*~ Nicki ~*Snow3*
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Review of Otis and Victoria  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi GospelBluesMan! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Otis and Victoria.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This beautiful story had it all: intrigue, emotion, and a twist I didn't see coming. I loved it!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The plot unfolded with deliberate pace, allowing me to adjust and re-adjust my understanding of the story as light was shed on the characters and the reality of the tale. Otis was revealed to me with masterful descriptions, and as I learned more about him he became endearing to me.

*Thumbsup* The use of third person omniscient narrative was a perfect choice for this story. Through the filter of Otis' perspective, I bought into his reality, as he prepared to celebrate his wedding anniversary. Even through this beginning section, you dropped hints about him and the scenario, like: He walked dragging the heels of his worn, loosely tied wing tips... When Tom entered the story, the POV shifted and the truth of the moment was revealed. That section was among my favorites.

*Thumbsup* The story's twist offered in Tom's parting words took me by surprise, and I love when that happens! Great effect! The emotional impact of this line wrung my heart: By the time Tom's car door slammed he'd forgotten what Tom had said.


*Idea* Suggestions: I have a couple of general suggestions:

*Check2* When a character's direct thoughts are heard by the reader, they are not considered dialogue because they aren't spoken. To help differentiate thoughts from the rest of the paragraph, it is helpful to use italics:

"Oh my," He thought, worrying. -- *Right* Oh my, he thought, worrying. --AND--

But, he still felt the same youthful passion for her that he'd held years ago, "I can't just sit around, I have to do something for her." He said to himself. -- *Right* But, he still felt the same youthful passion for her that he'd held years ago. I can't just sit around. I have to do something for her, he said to himself.

*Check2* When a number less than one hundred appears in a story, it should be written out instead of presented in numerals:

Aren't you about 25 now? -- ...his real age of 32... -- It's our 60th anniversary today! -- ...he was trapped in his 97 year old body. -- ...supper was ready 45 minutes later... -- ...5 slices of tomato... -- She was the oldest of 9 siblings... -- ...your 76th anniversary last weekend... -- ...died 2 years ago...


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Check2* In dialogue, when someone is addressed by their name (or a pet name: honey, sir, sweetheart, etc.) the name is proceeded by a comma. For example:

"It's Tom Mr. Hunt, I was wondering if you would like... -- *Right* "It's Tom, Mr. Hunt. I was wondering if you would like...

...so he turned to Otis and interrupted, "I'm sorry Mr. Hunt, I need to go now. -- *Right* ...so he turned to Otis and interrupted. "I'm sorry, Mr. Hunt, I need to go now.

*Check2* I think possession when a proper noun ends with an "s" is shown simply with an apostrophe without another "s":

On these occasions age played a travesty on Otis's mind... -- Otis'


*Star* Reading this story was a stirring and emotional experience. Knowing from another item in your port that many of Otis' memories reflect the true lives of your family members made this read all the more endearing. Thanks so much for sharing it!



*Flower3* Nicki

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