NickiD89's (heftynicki) Reviews

NickiD89

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76

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14 days may be credited.

#3254241

Review of The Old Man and the Bench

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Feel free to use this sig if you are a Paper Doll Gang Member!

Hello Gekko! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

The physical descriptions of the old man on the bench were thorough and allowed me to conjure a concrete image of him in my mind. I could see him move through his days, one daily repetitive action at a time.

I was unsure who was narrating this piece. It seemed omniscient, a mixture of the "fly-on-the-wall" and the "all-knowing God" observers. I didn't feel any connection or sympathy to the old man, and I think this may be because the narrator didn't seem to care about him, either.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

I enjoyed the fluidity of your writing. I thought your sentence structures and descriptive voice lent a lot to this piece.

This piece felt more like an essay of sorts than a short story. It wasn't structured like a story, in that there was a great deal of exposition but no rising action, climax, falling action or resolution (of a central problem). The questions the narrator addressed to the reader at the end struck me as out-of-place for a short story.

I thought something was going to happen when the well-dressed gentleman walked the old man home. I was left wondering why that paragraph was important to the story.

Silly questions kept coming to me, like how could he eat only one meal a day, and how could he sit there all day, every day, and not ever need to use a bathroom?

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a nice job editing this piece. I only noticed a couple things:

...he didn’t want anything to do with anybody so everybody didn’t want anything to do with him. -- I suggest something along these lines to smooth this out: ...he didn’t want anything to do with anybody, so nobody wanted anything to do with him.

He lived like this for as long as anyone in town can remember and no matter how many years pass, the routine was still cement. -- pass should be passed

There are those who look down upon this man from their perch atop a higher reality. -- Beginning with this sentence, the remainder of the piece shifts from past tense to present tense. I suggest maintaining one tense. Perhaps, if you want the story to have a sense of timeless immediacy, you could shift the entire thing into present tense.

First Impression Wow Factor:

I enjoyed your writer's voice. I thought your sentences flowed from one to the next with seamless ease.

There didn't seem to be enough story here to classify it as a short story. This affected the pacing, which seemed to drag as I anticipated that at some point, something climactic would take place.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

77

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14 days may be credited.

#3254210

Review of Discussion In My Coffee

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Lexi! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

I enjoyed Anna Marie as this story's narrator. You captured the voice of an eight-year-old. I also appreciated that even though the story was told in first person narration, you still offered to readers the narrator's name instead of simply referring to her as "I."

Whenever the opportunity arises, play with descriptions that show the reader what the character is feeling instead of telling the emotions. You did this well in this sentence: I burst into tears and went running up the stairs to my room. -- It was clear from this line that Anna Marie was terribly upset.

Now look at this line: That day Daddy walked into the house, I felt strange. Fearful even. -- Especially since this is the first line of the story, it would draw the reader immediately into the story if it showed more than told. For instance: That day Daddy walked into the house, I couldn't feel the floor beneath my feet. It was like my head had detached from my body and floated up where the air is too thin to breathe. -- Or something like that

I would have liked to see more characterization for Daddy. He came across emotionally neutral, though I imagined someone in his position, (suddenly losing his wife, having to share the terrible news with his young daughter, facing the task of becoming Anna Marie's sole caretaker...) would have to fight to not come apart at the seams. Adding to his facial expressions, body language and gestures so that his internal conflicts are more visible may take his character to the next level.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

The premise for this story is wonderful. I think it even has potential for expansion, into a larger work.

The conflict facing Anna Marie was poignant and moved the plot forward.

The pacing in the very beginning was a little fast. The fourth sentence was a real zinger and deserves, in my view, more description, so that the reader feels the full impact of its implications.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a wonderful job editing this story. I only noticed a couple things:

Dialogue Issues

Use a comma, question mark or exclamation point -- but never a period -- inside closed quotation marks when a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.) follows spoken words. Two examples to illustrate are:

“Making coffee.” I answered. Daddy winced as if I said some very bad word. --

“Making coffee,” I answered. Daddy winced as if I said some very bad word.

“I know I don't have to but I want to.” I answered. --

“I know I don't have to, but I want to,” I answered.

When a dialogue tag separates two spoken sentences by the same speaker, end the tag with a period:

“Stupid,” Mama had said, “You drink it. And look, you're tall!” --

“Stupid,” Mama had said. “You drink it. And look, you're tall!”

First Impression Wow Factor:

I enjoyed the idea that the little girl drank coffee with her mother, a beverage that heals all woes.

The single spacing of this story made it a little hard to read. I suggest double spacing between paragraphs, and between single lines of dialogue, to increase readability.

My Overall Rating: 3.75 rounded up to

I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 9th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

78

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14 days may be credited.

#3254195

Review of The Changed Friend

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hello Evil Nerd! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

I enjoyed the first person narration of this story. You named the narrator instead of referring to her all the time as "I," which I liked. I feel I understand a character better when I know her name, even in first person narration.

Your use of dialogue was strong, and I thought each character's voice sounded authentic and unique.

I really didn't like Paula through much of the story, but her change of heart near the end made her a likable, dynamic character.

Rather than telling the reader what a character is feeling, try showing the emotions instead. For example, take this sentence: “Uh, yeah,” I said, very angry at myself. I really didn't feel like telling her I didn't want to go, because that would probably end in a big fight about friendship. Blah blah blah! No problem, she’ll forget by New Year’s Eve. Think of characterizations (body language, gestures, facial expressions) that will convey to the readers the character's feelings, without coming right out and saying 'I was angry; I didn't want to tell her.' Here's one way you could go:

“Uh, yeah,” I said through clenched jaws. I turned my head away and rolled my eyes, bracing myself for another of her lectures about friendship. Blah blah blah! No problem, she’ll forget by New Year’s Eve.

Strong characterizations that show, rather than tell what's happening with the characters invite the reader to participate more in the story, and can 'up' the entertainment factor.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

I liked you introductory sentence. Opening with a line of dialogue drew me right into the story and introduced the main characters.

I easily picked up on Paula's conflict, and why she didn't want to be seen with the less popular girls in school. I wasn't sure what Sara's motivation was. You said, Sara is obviously a mind reader. “There’s no one here that you know because I knew you would be embarrassed. I just really wanted to get to know you, and I want you to be yourself at this party, so please try to have a good time.” -- But, I wondered why, since Paula and Samantha were such meanie-girls? What was it about Paula that made Sara want to be her friend?

I thought the pace was a little fast through the middle part of the story. I would have liked to read about the party, how the ice was broke, and why Paula began to relax and enjoy the unpopular kids. Did she realize they were just like her? Did she realize they had the same crushes, dreams, and problems with parents that she did?

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a good job editing this piece. There were a few mechanical problems to fix up, though:

Dialogue Issue -- When you use a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.), the tag isn't capitalized if it follows the spoken words. For example:

"Hey Paula, do you want to come to my New Year's Eve party?" The shyest girl in the whole school asked, handing me an invitation. --

"Hey Paula, do you want to come to my New Year's Eve party?" the shyest girl in the whole school asked, handing me an invitation.

"So cool! We went skiing in Utah!" She exclaimed. --

"So cool! We went skiing in Utah!" she exclaimed.

Numerals verses numbers -- In literature, spell out a numeral that is ten or under (although, most creative writers spell out numerals one hundred and under):

“Hey Paula!” my 8 year old brother said. --

“Hey Paula!” my eight-year-old brother said.

I saw about 10 there. Traci (The 2nd shyest girl)... --

I saw about ten there. Traci (The second shyest girl)...

First Impression Wow Factor:

I really enjoyed Paula's voice, especially all her thoughts and perceptions about the other kids in school (ie: the unpopular girls at the party, and the three things she hated about Samantha at the end of the story).

Readability will increase if you double space between paragraphs. Even if there is one line of dialogue, treat that as a "paragraph" and double space before and after. This will make it easier on the eyes for your readers.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

79

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3254181

Review of The Tale of the Piper

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello Shadow! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

You did a great job describing the Whisperer. His physical appearance was crystal clear in my mind's eye.

You used an omniscient narrator to tell this story. Although you could take this narration choice to the next level by including the thoughts and feelings of all the characters, I think a short story is more compelling when one of the characters in the story is the narrator. Joseph would have been a good choice. Readers may connect more with him, and the story on a whole, if the tale were told through his eyes.

Brutus was a particularly distrustful and violent man. I would have liked to understand him better. Through characterizations like body language, gestures, and dialogue, you can give the reader insight into a character's personality. Also, a narrator's internal thoughts can offer back story facts to explain a character's actions and reactions.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

I felt the suspense in the sword fight between Brutus and the Whisperer. Your descriptions were good and I followed the exchange of blows with ease.

The first four paragraphs moved slowly. There were a lot of important details included in the exposition which peaked my interest in the unfolding story. But for me, the descriptions of the sunlight and the music were repetitive, and they affected the pace of the story. If you return to this story, one revision I suggest is to look for more concise ways to convey the effect the light and music had on the people and animals. Look for high impact modifiers to replace wordy and repetitive descriptions.

I wondered why the men reacted so violently to the animals in the paragraph beginning, His voice woke the accumulated group... -- Were the men afraid of being attacked? Was it difficult to find food, so their hunger drove their actions? And I wasn't sure of the meaning behind this statement: “Shut your mouth Joseph, you of all people should kill this man for the curse he has laid upon us.” -- Describing the town, the time period, and the beliefs of the townsfolk may answer these kinds of questions so the reader will make better sense of the characters' actions.

This story could be expanded so that questions that come up naturally along the way could be addressed. For example, who was the Whisperer? Was he a magical person? Why was he going to the King's castle? Why did he leave a note, and why could only Joseph see it?

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Punctuation: In future edits, look for places where punctuation marks were used incorrectly. Here are a couple examples to help you detect them:

The forest was buzzing with excitement, birds and butterflies were flitting from place to place spreading the news. -- When you join two independent clauses (each with a subject and verb) to form a compound sentence where there is no conjunctive (and, but, yet, etc.), use a semi-colon: The forest was buzzing with excitement; birds and butterflies were flitting from place to place spreading the news.

It raised the hairs of the townspeople’s arms tantalizing their ears and warming their hearts. -- Use a comma to introduce a modifying phrases that begin with a gerund : It raised the hairs of the townspeople’s arms, tantalizing their ears and warming their hearts.

Bears, wolves and the beasts that are hunted for sport, came as well ignoring their lifelong hatred of man to listen to the enchanting tunes. -- A comma should not separate the subject and the verb, except if it is one of a pair of commas surrounding a nonessential modifying phrase. The comma after sport should be moved to the place after well where it is needed to offset the phrase beginning with the gerund.

Dialogue: Look for capitalization and punctuation issues in and around dialogue and dialogue tags. For example:

“He’s coming,” They would say before soaring... -- Dialogue tags (he said, she replied, etc.) are not capitalized: “He’s coming,” they would say before soaring...

"...Not all problems are solved with death Brutus” Joseph said... -- A comma, question mark, or exclamation mark (but never a period) goes inside the closed quotation marks when dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag: "...Not all problems are solved with death, Brutus,” Joseph said...

...but the other warriors grabbed his arms and pulled him back saying ‘This is just him and the sorcerer!’ -- A comma must appear before the dialogue tag when dialogue follows. (Also, use double quotation marks to signify spoken dialogue, and single quotation marks only when including a quote within a quote.) Try this: ...but the other warriors grabbed his arms and pulled him back saying, "This is just him and the sorcerer!"

Typos: Look for mistyped words, for instance:

From the forest came many creatures of many shapes and sizes, their body’s called by the soothing song. -- body's should be bodies

...and the horizons bright halo of light. -- horizon's

The Whisperer ducked under his swing and swept out his blade, slicing across Brutus’ chest Brutus fell to his knees... -- I think there's a missing period after chest.

...leaving the paper to float the drifting currents to the ground. -- Should the be on?

First Impression Wow Factor:

When I read your story through the first time, I thought:

Your imagination came to life in this fantastical tale.

The pace was uneven at times, making some moments hard to follow.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 9th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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80

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14 days may be credited.

#3254167

Review of The God of His World

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello Dr. Dizzie! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

The third person narrative voice was very strong in this piece.

You cleverly wove the boy's appearance and personality into the story through showing descriptions. I enjoyed this line that gave me an instant visual of the boy without wasting words describing him to a tee: He brushed his brown hair to the left side of his face to clear his vision. I applaud you for using the battling factions to mirror the boy's perceptions of himself. Very good!

This line was fantastic: The boy continued tapping his hand to the rhythm of the war drums as he formed the scene. -- I liked how earlier it was the god of the imaginary universe that was tapping his hand. Subtle points of connection like this one bring characters to life. Well done!

“Son, lights out,” he heard. -- Here, it would have been interesting to give the character a name. Instead of "son," you could have the father say his name and offer the reader an even clearer picture of the boy. I would have a totally different images of the boy, for example, if the father would have said, "Phineas, lights out," compared to, "Lenny, lights out."

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

The opening paragraph set the tone of the story, introduced the character, and drew me right into the plot.

You did an outstanding job explaining the reasons each imaginary group of people fought for the Northern Territory. Your descriptions of each side and the fact that their strengths mirrored the boy's conflict with himself, and how he wished he could be, was a high point in the story, for me.

The pacing was spot on, and the suspense was strong.

I liked the ending sentence very much. It really made me think about the boy and whether he could become like the people of his Northern Territory.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a great job self-editing this piece. I only noticed a few mistakes:

Verb Tenses

One boy had listened, but took little interest... -- Here, the use of past perfect (had listened) isn't the best choice because the action in this context is one that could be ongoing, and because the auxiliary verb weakens the action. An even stronger choice may be this: One boy heard it, but took little interest...

The boy laid and pondered... -- "laid" should be "lay."

Suggestions

...following to rhythmic beat of the imaginary scene. -- Perhaps the works better here than to after "following."

...the god of the world continued writing…creating... -- Earlier in the story the word "God" was capitalized. I suggest choosing one style, (probably without capitalization since it is not a proper noun in this context), and using that throughout.

quickening ever more, the finally of the battle drawing near. -- Did you mean finale in place of finally?

Punctuation

They believed that they had come to claim the Temple and pervert it with their own “false gods”. -- Great sentence! The period just needs to go inside the closed quotation marks: ...and pervert it with their own “false gods.”

They ran forward and screamed to the top of their lungs, some silently prayed. -- There should be a semi-colon in place of the comma joining these two independent clauses.

The boy sighed and stood up and he stretched a bit before walking over to the door. -- You need a comma after "stood up."

First Impression Wow Factor:

I liked the way the people in the boy's imaginary story mirrored himself, making the final line of the story poignant and stirring. Also, your use of onomatopoeia (tat tat rat-a-tat) and repetitive phrases effectively built the suspense from paragraph to paragraph. Well done!

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Judges and Paper Doll Gang reviewers are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 9th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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#3241032

Review of To Thee, My Source…

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with Circle of Sisters

Rated: E

| (5.0)

** Image ID #1219022 Unavailable **

Hello TikkunOlam! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" 's North Star contest.

What I Liked:

This beautiful poem reminds me of a meditative prayer. I imagine someone reciting it slowly, eyes closed, and being filled with the rhythmic energies from its poignant messages.

The exquisite rhythm you achieved in every line was the poem's hallmark, in my view. Not once did my tongue stumble when I read, either silently or aloud. It was a pure joy to read this.

Suggestions: None ~ This was perfect as written!

Congratulations on your past win, qualifying you for this competition. Your talent shines bright! Thanks for sharing your creativity with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!

~Nicki~

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#3241026

Review of BEAUTY IN THE SKY

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with Circle of Sisters

Rated: E

| (5.0)

** Image ID #1233161 Unavailable **

Hello Maria! It's my pleasure to review your entry for "Rising Stars Shining Brighter" 's North Star Contest.

What I Liked:

The descriptive voice and fantastic imagery were the hallmarks of this poem, for me. I applaud the fashion with which you painted the poetic canvas with flourishes of high impact vocabulary. I especially enjoyed the use of "marauder"; what a wonderful word that worked perfectly in the context of that line!

The heavy sprinkling of sound devices enhanced the rhythmic flow of this piece. The alliteration with hard consonants like [d] and [b], particularly in the first stanza, worked well, as did the assonance in stanza one, line two: black/satin/canvas. My favorite sounding line was this one:

Fresh awakening, haven of heavens' thrust anew... -- So many devices working in harmony in this line!

Suggestions:

If you hadn't included the description designating this piece as a limerick, I wouldn't have guessed that was what it was. Although the poem flows with exquisite rhythm, I didn't hear the traditional limerick cadence each time I read through it. Due to the creative presentation you used (Starry Night: and Sunrise: on lines of their own), and the syllabic meter that greatly exceeds the traditional limerick pattern, I suggest omitting the word limerick from the description.

Congratulations for your past win qualifying you for the North Star competition!! Your talent shines bright! Thanks for sharing that creative talent with us. Best of luck to you in the contest!

~Nicki~

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83

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14 days may be credited.

#3240027

Review of Anniversary Party

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A Paper Doll Gang Review

Of Your Entry In:

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#1554045 by Not Available.

Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Anniversary Party" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest

.]

Initial Reaction: This heartwarming story was engaging from beginning to end.

What I liked:

The narrative voice was outstanding, and I got a strong sense of the person Gerry was through her perspectives and internal thoughts.

The descriptions of Gerry's physical pain and the roller coaster emotions it caused her offered this story an authentic quality that resonated with me.

Suggestions:

In the paragraph beginning, She and Sherry had spent the last several months planning the party. -- I thought the verb tense choices sometimes contradicted the time line of events. Gerry recollects the planning she and Sherry did, but much of this paragraph is presented in future tense. For example, consider these two lines:

It would be a wonderful party. They would have dinner and dancing; there must be champagne for a toast to their survival as a couple. I wondered if a modification along these lines would serve the paragraph:

It would have been a wonderful party. They was to be dinner and dancing, and of course champagne for a toast to their survival as a couple.

Grammar/Spelling Oops:

The continuous waves of pain as she struggled to move her uncooperative body, made her angry. -- I suggest removing the comma after "body," since it separates the subject and the verb.

"What's the matter, Honey?" he asked gently, his eyes showing his deep concern... -- "Honey" (a term of endearment) isn't a proper noun in this sentence and doesn't need a capital letter.

I enjoyed your story very much! Best of luck in the contest!

Nicki

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#3238610

Review of John

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello KinzeyKay! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

I thought you captured the voice of third grader John perfectly. It really sounded like a young person was speaking.

When I reached the part in the story about the knife stuck in the door, I couldn't picture John's reaction to the events surrounding it. A child in third grade is only eight years old. Even if John hated his parents, I imagine such a young person faced with the reality of death and the realization that he's all alone in the world, fending for himself to survive, would be frightened and visibly upset. And a child that age probably wouldn't get up the next day and walk ten miles to attend school without being told to do so. I suggest working more with the characters in this story, contemplating how real people would react if these situations were happening in true life, and revising to capture more authentic characterizations.

The narration style you chose for this story was unique. The first person narrator was not a character in the story, which you don't come across very often. I wondered if the story would become stronger if the narrator were removed, and John became the third person point-of-view narrator? Experimenting with point-of-views is a fun creative writing exercise I enjoy myself. Imagine how different this story would become each time it was told from the perspective of a different character.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

I'm glad you included the title description. The admission that this story wasn't penned in one sitting, that it has been added to and isn't finished, helped me better understand its structure and chain of events.

This story really reads like a first draft, in my view. Once you have reached the moment when you feel you have added all the plot elements you want to, I suggest you revise this version. For example, the opening sentence already needs to be changed, because it no longer introduces the story to come: This is a story about a little boy who was playing at recess one day. -- The story that follows spans several days. Also, the climax doesn't take place on the playground at recess.

Once you know what the story is ultimately about, and how it ends, I suggest organizing the plot points into a loose outline, written out following this list:

Beginning or Exposition: Introduce the characters, describe the setting, and (most importantly) introduce the main conflict (main problem) of the story.

Middle, including the Rising Action, Climax, and Falling Action:

Rising Action - Begin to develop the conflict(s), creating interest and suspense.

Climax - The turning point of the story, when the main character comes face to face with a conflict. The main character will change in some way.

Falling Action - All loose ends of the plot are tied up. The conflict(s) and climax are taken care of.

Ending or Resolution - Here's where the story comes to a reasonable conclusion.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

There are places you can concentrate on to tighten up the mechanical aspect of this story. For example, look for:

Capitalization -- Proper nouns, "I," and first letters of words beginning dialogue need to be capitalized. Examples to illustrate:

"Well i happen to like sensitive boys," Aniie replied. --

"Well I happen to like sensitive boys," Annie replied.

"How can you like him??" said zach, "He just sits on the swings all day. He's a loner!" --

"How can you like him?" said Zach. "He just sits on the swings all day. He's a loner!"

Shifts in verb tense -- This story is told in past tense, so look for places where you shift into present. For example:

His teachers didn't do anything or take notice because they hated kids and just wanted to get there check and go home. So about an hour or so later, John arrives arrived home with a black eye(,) and no one is was home. John thinks thought this is was very strange because by the time he finally gets got home every day he finds found his dad in front of the tv TV watching wresteling wrestling and his mom in the kitchen.

Typos -- Sometimes you spelled Zack's name with a "k" and other times with a "h":

"Yea, what was that?" said Zack, clearly pissed off.
Annie admitted that she has had a crush on John since the first grade (they were in third) and was just using Zach to get John's attention.

First Impression Wow Factor:

I think this story has potential, but like every writing project it needs revisions. As you evolve as a writer, you will find that writers write, write, write -- the same piece reworked over and over. Best of luck with it!

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Unfortunately, as the Paper Doll Gang is between classes, they will not be reviewing this contest round. Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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#3237523

Review of A Very Bad Boy

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello TheNarrator! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

Good job maintaining first person throughout this story. The Point-of-View narration was also well done and never shifted erroneously to another character.

I wondered what the narrator's name was. Even in first person stories, where the narrator refers to himself as "I," readers feel a closer connection to, and have a more vivid picture in their mind's eyes of, the character when they know his name. Cleverly including it, for example in dialogue with other characters, adds to the character and the story on a whole.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

The premise for this story is wonderful and full of possibilities.

To take this story to the next level, consider expanding it to include more details. I wondered where evil Santa came from and how he achieved the havoc he reeked. And, I wanted to know what the brother had done that was so terrible, labeling him a "very bad boy." If you choose to build on this, also pay attention to the pacing of the story. The opportunities for suspense are many, so take your time crafting each scene and let the tension mount.

One place where you can create suspense is with the narrator. He seemed largely unaffected by the death of his mother and uncle, even though both events must have shattered his innocence and sense of security. Explore your characters in a way that invites the reader into their mind and heart, so that the reader feels what the character is feeling.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Things to look for when tightening up the technical aspect of this story are:

Run-on Sentences: When sentences contain more than one thought or action, it's sometimes better to break them into smaller, more concise chunks. That way, the full emotional impact of each sentence is felt. Here are two examples:

The first signs that this Christmas was going to be horrible was when my little brother got a letter from "Santa", I figured it was from mom and dad until I read the letter an hour after my brother read. -- Try this:

The first sign that this Christmas was going to be horrible was when my little brother got a letter from "Santa." I figured it was from Mom and Dad, until I read the letter an hour after my brother read it.

Normally I would think it was a prank, but at this time of year and the way it was written, it couldn't be a joke, it was to horrible to be a joke. -- Try this:

Normally, I would think it was a prank. But at this time of year and the way it was written, it couldn't be a joke. It was too horrible to be a joke.

Commas:

On Christmas morning Me and my brother were opening our presents, but we weren't excited. -- Introductory phrases should be set off with a comma, so I suggest inserting one after "morning." Also, "me" shouldn't be capitalized.

While we were asleep the Christmas tree was lit on fire.-- For the same reason as above, there should be a comma after "asleep."

First Impression Wow Factor:

The idea behind this story was eerie and suspenseful, and as I read my mind was reeling with its possibilities.

The subject matter and events in this story need more room to be fully enjoyed. Going back and building on this foundation could take this story to amazing heights. Good luck with it!

My Overall Rating: 2.75 Stars rounded up to

I enjoyed your creative story! Unfortunately, as the Paper Doll Gang is between classes, they will not be reviewing this contest round. Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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#3237467

Review of A Hated Shield

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello ! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

The voice of the narrator is strong and believable. It is intimate and personal, and I felt a close connection to the narrator through her words.

The anger and sadness, yet strong sense of resignation were beautifully captured in this piece. You maintained the tone from start to finish.

Even in first person narration, it helps the reader visualize the character when you reveal his or her name. By slipping the character's name into the story, you leave clues for the reader about the person. Just like in true life, when you know a person's name you feel "closer" to him or her.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

The narrator's central conflict was well described. Your descriptions were poetic and beautiful, especially the symbolism behind the bracelets and the woven threads in the fabric of society.

This piece lacks the structural elements of a short story, so that it reads more like a personal essay. I suggest labeling it an essay using the genre/sub-genre headings, or revise this so that it contains a plot (ie: Beginning -- Exposition, Middle -- Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action, and Ending -- Resolution).

You can also use the genre headings to denote nonfiction instead of using "True Story" as your title. That way, you can put the actual title, "The Hated Shield" in its proper place.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

You did a wonderful job self-editing this piece. I only noticed a few issues:

Punctuation:

The bracelets, necklaces, belts, all of them, were beautiful, vibrant, glowing with colour. -- Remove the comma after "them." Also, "colour" is the British spelling of "color."

Use a semi-colon to join the two independent clauses (each with a subject and a verb) in compound sentences without conjunctives (and, but, yet, so, etc.|). To help you locate this type of problem, here a couple examples from your story:

They were not difficult for me to make, on the contrary, the intricate stitches that no one else could learn were as instinctual as breathing for me. -- Comma after "make" should be a semi-colon.

My hands themselves are not marvels, only what I can make with them is extraordinary. -- Comma after "marvels" should be a semi-colon.

I am protected from the cruel world, they are alone, vulnerable, unprotected. -- The comma after "world" should be a semi-colon.

Typos

The doctor says I am lucky that my disease is not seriously, that I am... -- seriously should be serious.

First Impression Wow Factor:

The narration is heartbreaking in its authenticity. The descriptive voice is intoxicating and kept me engaged from beginning to end.

Unfortunately, your story exceeds the maximum number of words for this contest (1500) and is not eligible for prizes. Please feel free to enter future rounds, being sure to read the guidelines and rules carefully.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative piece! Unfortunately, as the Paper Doll Gang is between classes, they will not be reviewing this contest round. Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month.

~Nicki~

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#3237371

Review of Trail Of Smiles

Review by NickiD89

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Jim! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Trail Of Smiles" .

Initial Reaction: This story is pure genius!!

What I liked:

There are so many strengths in this story. The premise is brilliant, the narration is tight and emotional, and the pacing is spot on right to the last sentence. Perfect!

Your descriptions are fabulous! I LOVE so many lines, like these: I mentally exhale in relief. --AND-- Probably it’s just me looking at my monochrome day through overcast eyes.

Grammar/Spelling Oops: You have a near perfect story here. The only real issue is when to use semi-colons and when to use commas. I hope I didn't belabor the difference

, that wasn't my goal! I just wanted to make a quick notation at each point explaining why I thought an edit was necessary.

I sometimes think of Mary’s mother but only rarely. -- I feel a natural tendency to pause after "mother," though without a comma I read straight through the latter part of this sentence. I think a comma is needed there.

The metallic voice announces, “District 211” and I pop out onto the pavement. -- I'm thinking that since there is a dialogue tag here (The metallic voice announces) that there should be a comma after 211, especially since this is also a compound sentence with a conjunctive (and).

Mary is no longer a little girl and that is why I worry. -- This is a compound sentence too, so I think you need a comma after "girl." Also, the other sentences like this one, with '...but that's not why I worry,' use a comma before the 'buts' so adding a comma here seems right for consistency's sake.

The cough takes me as I dice up some onions for our soup. I hold a tissue over my mouth and try not to let her see how bad it is but it’s no use. -- Need a comma after "is" (before "but it's no use.")

I don’t know who or what will come for Mary and that is why I worry. -- Here again, I suggest a comma (after "Mary"). I think that pause also enhances the tension that each of these sentences holds.

You guessed it... The days pass with uniform blandness. My hand trembles, the light flashes green and I worry. -- Comma after "green"

I cannot help but smile as we walk home hand in hand; she spreading smiles along the way. -- Here, the second clause is dependent, so the semi-colon should be a comma.

Hmmmm... I don’t know how long I have been here; hours, maybe days. ...I'm not certain of the semi-colon here. A colon may be better, since "hour, maybe days" is an appositive According to http://englishplus.com/grammar/00000100.htm: "Use a colon instead of a comma to introduce an appositive at the end of a sentence for emphasis."

His voice is surprisingly gentle; not at all like I had imagined. -- The semi-colon here should be a comma, since the second clause is dependent.

He sees the confusion on my face and so continues, “Jacob, surely you can see that one’s contribution... -- There is no dialogue tag here, so the comma after "continues" should be a period, followed by a double space.

Her speech is a little faster than normal; as if she knows she doesn’t have much time. -- Again, the second half of this sentence is a dependent clause so the semi-colon should be a comma.

This story is going to be a strong contender for the top prize; I feel certain of it! Best of luck, and enjoy the conference!

Nicki

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#3236575

Review of Cold December Day

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

The narrator's voice was exceptionally strong in this engaging story. I enjoyed her fiery resolve and huge heart. I thought you used a good deal of "showing" descriptions instead of just "telling" me the story. Great job!

The narrator's impressions of the old man were priceless. I enjoyed her descriptions of him, and I felt I could see him clearly in my mind's eye.

Even though this story was told in first person, I would have liked to learn the narrator's name. I feel more connected to a character, and understand her more, when I know what she's called, whether she uses her given name or a nickname, whether her name is formal in sound or playful, etc. There are several clever ways to slip the narrator's name into a story like this, for example during the dialogue with the old man.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

Your opening paragraph was good and set the style and mood of the story. I liked the descriptions of the setting. The only revision I'd suggest is in the third sentence: Yesterday's snow had turned to ice... -- Since this story happened two years earlier (according to the ending) in December, I suggest replacing "yesterday," perhaps along these lines: The previous day's snow had turned to ice...

As soon as the narrator sees the horse, and especially at this sentence: Confused, I opened her mouth and looked at her teeth. -- the pacing picked up with delicious speed. Well done!

The vocabulary you included specific to raising and caring for horses brought a great sense of authenticity to your story.

I don't think the disclaimer at the beginning of your story is necessary. Rather than start off with an Author's Note explaining the story, let the genre and sub-genre options do that work. I suggest choosing "Fiction" as your main genre, so that readers know that even though the story was written in first person, it isn't a true story.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a great job editing this piece. Here are the few issues I noticed:

Semi-colons: Use a semi-colon when joining two independent clauses (each with a subject and a verb) where there is no conjunctive (and, but, yet, so, etc.). For example:

The wind was strong and forceful; so cold it pierced through your clothes, no matter how thick, and made your ears hurt. -- The second clause here is dependent, so the semi-colon should be a comma.

She was thin; painfully so, and she had no food. -- Here, "painfully so" modifies "thin," and there is a conjunctive (and), so this should be: She was thin, painfully so, and she had no food.

Not offending him was one thing, but I couldn't; wouldn't be polite to this man. --

Not offending him was one thing, but I couldn't, wouldn't, be polite to this man.

Typos:

What grass their was in the small paddock had become entombed... -- "their" should be "there"

In 30 minutes I had filled a haynet and hung it in a stable, next to a... -- Since you spelled out "one hundred" in the paragraph above this, you need to spell out all numerals smaller: In thirty minutes

Dialogue:

"Yes?" He asked in an amused manner. --

"Yes?" he asked in an amused manner.

"I want to buy her." I stated. --

"I want to buy her," I stated.

First Impression Wow Factor:

I was fully engaged by your wonderful writing style from the beginning to the end of this story.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Unfortunately, as the Paper Doll Gang is between classes, they will not be reviewing this contest round. Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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#3232300

Review of Come Back To Me

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello SisterofMercy! Here is review #3! After reading your poem "Come Back To Me" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact: As I read through this, I imagined a woman caught in a daydream, or perhaps calling to mind and reveling in a past daydream. There was such a surreal quality to the words, and the imagery of satin sheets and handsome strangers added to the romantic mood.

Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the free form of this piece. You established an easy, lyrical rhythm that allowed the words to flow off my tongue.

Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors

Lasting Impressions: Congrats on having this poem published!!

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#3232290

Review of Will You Move Heaven

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello SisterofMercy! Here is review #2 of 3. After reading your poem "Will You Move Heaven" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact: This poem exudes such tortured sadness! The use of 'heaven' and 'hell' illustrate the graveness of the narrator's situation, and her perception that her eternal existence is on the line.

Effectiveness of Form:

I enjoyed your refrain line. Each time it was repeated, it sounded like a plea, and its emotional impact was emphasized.

The Rondelet is a French form, and typical of poetic forms from that country, its syllabic meter is strict and includes lines of eight syllables. What makes the Rondelet different than other French forms is its interspersed tetra-syllabic lines with the octo-syllabic ones. The refrain lines should have four syllables, and the others should have eight.

The Rondelet also has a strict rhyme scheme consisting of two rhyme families. Lines 1,3, 4, and 7 should rhyme, and lines 2, 5, and 6 should rhyme.

Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors!

Lasting Impressions: Your poetry is full of wonderful emotion. I'm enjoying reading it today!

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#3232282

Review of The Storms

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello SisterofMercy! This is the first of three reviews you won in a recent auction. After reading your poem "Unspoken Hate" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact: The nightmare this poem is based on must have been terrifying. The imagery was vivid for me, and I pictured a malicious onslaught of lightning as if being launched deliberately at the victims. I liked how the narration was by one of the people in the poem, yet the voice seemed like it was floating above the scene, detached, like one observing their own nightmare. Very well done!

Effectiveness of Form: I'm unfamiliar with the Trijan Refrain form; I'm interested to look it up. I enjoyed the narration and heavy mixture of questions and statements. I loved this line, it gave me shivers: Lightning strikes your eyes.

Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed a couple places where you may consider adding punctuation:

Do the storms last darling? -- I suggest a comma after "last"

round and round its swirling / lifting us while its storming / It hits me as its striking,
-- it's swirling/storming/striking

Lightning strikes do you know how? -- Need a comma after "strikes"

Lasting Impressions: Writing exorcises fear, and creates something beautiful to take its place. Thanks for sharing!

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#3230509

Review of No Florence Nightingale

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Anastasia! This is the fifth of the reviews you won in the Forever Christmas auction. In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "No Florence Nightingale" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest

.]

Initial Reaction: What a wonderful, suspense-filled story that kept me engaged from beginning to end.

What I liked:

This line immediately vamped up the tension: ...cockroaches scurried through the rooms and the smell of blood was unmistakable.

I enjoyed the main character, Florence Nightengale, very much. Though I didn't know anything about her back story, I sensed that she was chin deep in personal conflicts. Her characterizations brought her to life for me, and I was most intrigued by the fact that she kept itching her arms. I had her figured out midway through the story, but I enjoyed learning that my guesses were all on track!

Suggestions:

This passage is largely in passive voice: Removing the bullet was proving to be more difficult than Teri had expected. She started sweating and the itching was becoming more than she could bear. After repeated attempts, Teri was able to secure the bullet and remove it from his shoulder. -- When you shift it to active voice, it resonates stronger for the reader. Consider how much more powerful the moment becomes written like this:

Removing the bullet proved more difficult than Teri had expected. She started sweating and the itching became more than she could bear. After repeated attempts, Teri secured the bullet and removed it from his shoulder.

And along these lines, I feel the last line of the story could also be stronger if you shifted the verb from past perfect tense to regular past tense: Remove "had" and your sentence will soar to the next level!

Grammar/Spelling Oops:

"He's in there." The tall stranger informed her... -- Since there is a dialogue tag in this sentence, it's correct written like this: "He's in there," the tall stranger informed her...

"Fix 'em up...put 'em down." She whispered. -- Since there is a dialogue tag here, it is correct written like this: "Fix 'em up...put 'em down," she whispered.

"So?" The tall stranger asked. -- For the same reason as above, it should be: "So?" the tall stranger asked.

It's been wonderful enjoying your portfolio offerings today! Thanks so much for winning my auction package!!

Nicki

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#3230478

Review of The Blue Mustang

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Anastasia! This is review #4!! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Blue Mustang" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest

.]

Initial Reaction: Now here's a shocking, juicy little tale!!

What I liked: In this short flash fiction story, you successfully established the close relationship between Michelle and Ingrid. In true twins fashion, they were of one mind, although I loved that they recognized their innate differences. I thought they made a fantastic pair of partners in crime, even though their actions shocked me as I read!

Suggestions: Although you gave a reason why the girls were committed to their act, I thought you could amp up the explanation, so that the punishment better fit the crime. Young readers may identify with the problem, but others may question why asking out another girl would warrant such wrath. Maybe Michelle and Josh had been boyfriend and girlfriend since third grade, or maybe it wasn't just a party he stood her up for, but prom. Whenever you can up the stakes in a story, go for it. You'll take your writing to the next level every time!

Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Michelee had been stood up by Josh Baine... -- Michelle is a typo here

"As I always say sis..." -- I suggest this edit: "As I always say, Sis..."

The following Monday as Ingrid and Michelle were walking to class their friend Jill stopped to say hello. -- Missing a comma after "class."

You are as creative in your short stories as in your poetry! I'm enjoying your work immensely!!

Nicki

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#3230440

Review of The Fallen Soul

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Anastasia! Here is review #2. After reading your poem "The Fallen Soul" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact: I thought you did a great job capturing the abject sadness of a soul who once soared, but whose wings no longer carry her skyward. These feelings are mirrored in the photo prompt you included, but the poem does a superior job describing the subject's plight than the picture can. Your descriptions and beautiful vocabulary told the story on a deeper level.

Effectiveness of Form:

Your Villanelle flowed with nice rhythm. One of the most challenging aspects of the form is making the two refrain lines work each time they appear in a new stanza. I thought your poem was highly successful on this point, and the repeated lines seemed fresh and relevant in every verse.

I loved the sound and imagery of this line: Sun of gloom rises this early morrow

Traditionally, there are only two rhyming sounds in a Villanelle. Most of the B rhymes in this piece were slant rhymes, but I thought most worked very well. The A's, however, were actually from two different rhyme families. [-arrow] and [-orrow] are sight rhymes, meaning they look alike but don't sound alike.

Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors

Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed this piece very much! Thank you for sharing your creativity with us!!

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#3230328

Review of An Eternity to Forgive

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi Anastasia! This is the first of five reviews you won in a the Forever Christmas auction. In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "An Eternity to Forgive" .

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest

.]

Initial Reaction: All the pieces to this story came together at the end.

What I liked:

I liked the symbolic nature of different moments in this story. The Chatty Kathy doll, the significance of H.R. Slendor, and others added to the overall appeal of the piece.

Melanie's tortured existence and guilty grief were slowly revealed as the various scenes played out, giving me an ever greater understanding of her.

Suggestions:

Warm tears started streaming down her face. She didn’t know when she had started to cry. -- To avoid a little hiccup in the logic of these two sentences, I suggest this: Warm tears streamed down her face. She didn’t know when she had started to cry.

I thought this story was a little too cryptic and I had difficulty following what was going on. I enjoy stories with an unreliable narrator, like this one. However, without a couple straightforward clues along the way, it's difficult to get a grasp on the story that is unfolding.

I was unsure who Mullen was supposed to be. I suggest working some physical descriptions into his characterizations, perhaps including his attire, so readers can draw conclusions about him.

Grammar/Spelling Oops: Great job self-editing this piece. I noticed no mistakes!

I look forward to reading more of your work today!

Nicki

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#3224309

Review of Traveling

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Josh! After reading your poem "Traveling" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact:

The tone of this piece is forlorn and lonely, as each line explores the solitude the narrator feels. His observations make him an open book, and lines like this one help bring his emotional state into sharper focus:

The building is square and somber, and to me, a little skewed to the right,
Large glass eyes unblinking, uncaring.

The woman buying a candy bar is a poignant moment for me, because as he then buys the same "object of her lust," he feels indifferent. This is a wonderful symbol that ties in with the opening lines and their mention of the heated battle that instigated his journey west, rolling away from 'her'.

Also, the disdain in his thoughts about the inseparable couple is very telling. Nicely done.

Effectiveness of Form:

I love your opening and closing lines. The full-circle feel of them is powerful and effective, but the imagery itself is what impressed me the most. That first line really grabbed my attention and pulled me into the poem. I read the line twice, in fact, because I liked it so much.

I thought the absence of stanzas was an excellent choice for this piece. The narration is, in effect, a sequence of observations that rambles along just like a person's thoughts move seamlessly from subject to subject. Breaking this into a structure of verses would, I think, interfere with the free form movement of the narration.

The imagery in this piece is fantastic. I liked this simile a lot: My legs are like sandbags as I park and stretch

This is just a thought, but perhaps adding "me" to this line would be a subtle reinforcement of the lonliness the narrator feels: I shift the shifter, hit the peddle, and I’m back to the road, (me) and James Taylor.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:

as her prize hangs tantalizingly in mid air. -- "midair" is one word

Reaching into its mouth, victorious, she turns a finds my eyes grinning at her. -- The subject of the line that precedes this one is the candy bar, so using "its mouth" here seems to refer to the candy bar rather than the vending machine. In place of "its," I suggest using "the machine's mouth," or maybe "the vendor's mouth."

Father utters muffled curses behind the steel door, and junior begins to wail. -- Since Father is a proper noun in this sentence, I think "Junior" should be too, with a capital J.

In minutes they came out, father red faced, boy whimpering, -- Since this scene is all in present tense, I suggest using "come out" instead of "came out."

A young couple casually stroll in. -- "stroll" should be "strolls"

Lasting Impressions: I love the authenticity in this piece. The observations are so immediate and realistically delivered that I could see every detail clearly. Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem with us!

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97

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#3223907

Review of The Glory Of War

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello Harry! After reading your poem "The Glory Of War" , I offer you this humble review.

Emotional Impact: Wow. The power this poem possesses blew me away. As each stanza deals with the way war is viewed from afar, by boys and men who are safe in their environments and removed from the realities of war, the narrator's emotions simmer beneath the surface. The anger is audible, but it isn't until the final two stanzas that the fury is unleashed. By that time, I was angry too, angry at the audacity of a humanity that can't find peaceful ways to work out its problems. I truly felt in tune with this piece and connected with the narrator.

Effectiveness of Form: I thought it was brilliant the way this poem's message was structured. The definition of war came into ever sharper focus as each new stanza offered the perception of an older (and sometimes wiser) person than the last. I identified with the lesson that hands-on experience is the world's best teacher. True wisdom comes to those with first-hand experience.

The line breaks were expertly chosen throughout the poem and effectively heightened the tension of important words and phrases.

Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors

Lasting Impressions: This is one of those poems that will stay with me for a long time. Thank you so much for writing it, and for sharing it with us.

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98

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#3219115

Review of No Pizza for Puppies!

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A signature for Simply Positive, Rising Stars, & Circle of Sisters members.

Hello there! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "No Pizza for Puppies!"

.

Comments following check marks reflect just one opinion. Please disregard anything that doesn't work with your inspiration for this piece.

Emotional Impact:

Too cute!! I had a smile on my face as I read this delightful children's poem. With a family and pets of my own, I could picture the scene with wonderful clarity. I know kids of all ages will get a kick out of this

Effectiveness of Form:

I thought the rhyme scheme worked will for this piece, enhancing its wonderful lyrical quality.

The refrain was fun and the alliteration gave it a peppy sound.

Punctuation/Spelling:

Dined on pizza tonight! -- The way this stanza (number two) is written, the verb 'to dine' should be in the past continuous tense, otherwise it sounds like the action of the family eating was already completed, in the past. Try this:

He ran to the kitchen,
And saw his nose was right.
All his favorite people
Were dining on pizza tonight!

Lasting Impressions: I'm so glad I happened across this poem in your port. It was great fun to read! Happy Holidays!!

All my best,
Nicki

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99

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#3219099

Review of Loathing

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Meriki! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Loathing"

.

Comments following check marks reflect just one opinion. Please disregard anything that doesn't work with your inspiration for this piece.

Emotional Impact:

There was sheer power in your words. There was no question how the narrator feels, and as I read I felt those emotions affect me. The opening line set the mood that carried through right to the end. Nicely done!

Effectiveness of Form:

This piece of free form poetry flowed nicely from couplet to couplet.

I liked the assonant rhyme scheme a lot -- using vowel rhymes was a clever way to enhance the rhythmic sound of the piece.

The internal assonant rhyme in the last couplet (piece/repeat/speak) worked very well, too.

Punctuation/Spelling:

I liked the use of '&' throughout this piece. It gave the work an abbreviated look that was in keeping with the angry tone -- as if it were penned in the haste and heat of the moment.

I noticed a couple places to consider editing:

You're a vicious hateful bitch, -- need a comma after 'vicious'

You're a mournful winging soul, -- need a comma after 'mournful'

with an impatient song & a story thats old. -- thats should be that's

You're an ungrateful resenting piece, -- need a comma after 'ungrateful'

Lasting Impressions: It was a pleasure to read your work today! Happy Holidays!!

All my best,
Nicki

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100

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#3214686

Review of The Heat of the Night

Review by NickiD89

In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello Pato! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest

(E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89

In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]

Characters:

You did a good job with the physical descriptions of the characters in this story, and I could see them with my mind's eye. Their physical attributes were their sole identification, since none of them were named in the story. I was able to keep the actions of each character straight since they were so well-described.

The characterizations and actions of the characters helped me imagine what kinds of people they were as I saw them act and react to what was happening.

You successfully maintained the omniscient point-of-view narration throughout this story, as if it were being related moment-to-moment by a "fly on the wall" sort of narrator. The problem with this narration option is the reader doesn't have any access to the characters thoughts and feelings. I would have enjoyed this story if one of the characters (perhaps the dark one?) had been chosen as the narrator, so that the story came to me through the filter of his perspective. I would have been intrigued to know why the characters were so fearless, where they got their powers from, and how they felt about slicing and dicing their adversaries.

Plot/Conflict/Pace:

The action in this story is fantastic. You used a great descriptive voice as the fight scene unfolded. Excellent imagery!

This short reads more like a vignette (a short scene) than a short story. It opens with rising action, there is a climax, and then it ends with a cryptic resolution. If you were to revisit this piece, I would suggest composing a strong beginning that offers more exposition. Readers may be interested in knowing who the characters really are, where they came from and why they weren't surprised at being chased by, or having to fight against, the bikers.

This would help the reader understand the story more, help them feel emotionally invested in the characters, and make them more sympathetic to the way the story turns out.

I would also suggest creating a stronger ending, one that ties in with the opening, giving the story a better sense of completeness and closure.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling:

Overall, you did a good job editing this. Some of the paragraphs are long, and it may increase readability if you find appropriate places to insert hard breaks. In particular, I suggest putting the two lines of dialogue onto lines/paragraphs of their own.

Dangling modifier: His raven black hair flies wildly as he slams his head around violently, matching the power of the metal blasting through the stereo despite his slim build. -- Here, it sounds like the music is blasting through the stereo despite the boy's slim build

. To fix this, move the last modifying phrase: His raven black hair flies wildly as he slams his head around violently, despite his slim build, matching the power of the metal blasting through the stereo.

The lights can only mean one thing; the boys have company. -- I think a colon is more appropriate here than the semi-colon.

First Impression Wow Factor:

This piece is action packed and your descriptive voice is strong.

I was left with many unanswered questions by the end, such as: Why did the car flip over suddenly? Who was in the white van? Was the driver of the van in partnership with the bikers? I think there is a wonderful premise here that you could expand upon, so that the whole story is fleshed out and offered to the reader.

My Overall Rating:

I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

~Nicki~

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