Hi Shane! Thank you for entering this story in:
In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to my prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!
[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest ]
Characters: Four and a half 's
I enjoyed Elvis as the POV. I thought you did a good job characterizing him through his thoughts and perceptions, so that I got a very clear picture of him in my mind.
I loved how the Australian Elvises said "G'day"! That detail added a lot of color and humor to the story. All the Elvises helping him with his bags, pouring him a beer, etc. added more to the fun.
There was little showing characterization in this story. At times you told the reader what the character's emotional state was instead of using body language or gesture to show it. (Showing characterization draws the reader into the moment.) For example:
It almost came as a shock to me when Lenno came up and said.
“Righto Elvis time to get on stage.”
“But I’m not even ready” I pleaded. -- Here, instead of telling us he was shocked, you could have his head snap up, eyes grow wide, whatever he does when he's shocked or surprised.
Another example: “Ladies and gentlemen you’re a wonderful crowd.” My chest heaved with excitement. -- Instead of saying "with excitement," why not describe the crazy way his heart was thumping in his chest, or other ways a body physically recognizes excitement.
Plot/Conflict/Pace: Three and a half 's
I liked how the beginning and the ending happened on the train. Letting the main story unfold as a flashback was a good choice for this piece.
I really enjoyed the scene when Elvis was on stage at the Pavilion. The use of actual lyrics to Elvis songs brought authenticity to the moment, and I thought the pace through this section was exceptional.
The pace was slow for me in many places. I think relating the events of the entire weekend was a mistake; what amounted to the rising action dragged up to the climactic scene with Elvis on stage. I think the pace wouldn't have suffered if Elvis on the train was savoring his big moment on stage, without including every movement in-between.
The central conflict facing Elvis wasn't clearly resolved. I thought the main problem that his name, Elvis Presley, posed was that he had to hide from his girlfriends and co-workers the fact that he was an Elvis fanatic to the point of impersonating him. However, the climactic scene dealt with him facing his fears of performing in front of a big audience. In the story's conclusion, he revels in his successes on stage but ends with these sentiments: (My co-workers) wont be thinking that I have spent my entire weekend impersonating Elvis...But that’s okay, because the Annual Parkes Elvis Festival is my little secret.
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: Three 's
The following represent editorial areas you could concentrate on in future technical edits, and the examples shown demonstrate other mistakes to correct:
Comma and Semi-colon Usage:
I do however know that the 16th Annual Elvis Presley Festival this year has attracted more than eight thousand visitors from all over the world. -- In this sentence, "however" should be set off with a pair of commas.
The relationship didn’t last, I fell in love with the town instead. -- The comma connecting these two independent clauses should be a semi-colon.
On Sunday afternoons we used to watch old Elvis movies, often it was the Sunday double, two classic Elvis movies to last the whole afternoon. -- Suggested corrections: On Sunday afternoons we used to watch old Elvis movies; often it was the Sunday double: two classic Elvis movies to last the whole afternoon.
There was singing and dancing and streamers and old cars, I have never seen anything quite so impressive. -- The comma after "cars" should be a semi-colon.
Capitalization
...on the first Moon Landing back in 1969. -- I don't think 'moon landing' is a proper noun so it doesn't need to be capitalized.
Repetition
All I remember is sitting in my fathers arms on the couch in front of the television as he sobbed, uncontrollably at first. I stayed with him there quietly as he slowly calmed down and then we sat in front of the television together. -- "fathers arms" should be "father's arms; the last phrase, "and then we sat in front of the television together," repeats what was stated in the sentence before it and can be deleted.
The welcome that we received at the platform was like all the rockin’ parties in all the Elvis movies, all rolled into one. -- Using a word three times in one sentence can have a strong, dramatic effect and be useful. However, here "all" draws unnecessary emphasis. I suggest tweaking this sentence along these lines: The welcome that we received at the platform was like all the rockin’ parties from every Elvis movie rolled into one.
Dialogue Issues
When there is a dialogue tag (he said, she said), a comma, question mark, or exclamation point goes inside the closed quotation marks before the tag:
“G’day Elvis”, Elvis said to me as I stepped from the train onto the platform. -- “G’day Elvis,” Elvis said to me as I stepped from the train onto the platform.
“G’day Elvis” Elvis greeted me as I checked in. -- “G’day Elvis,” Elvis greeted me as I checked in.
When dialogue is interrupted by a tag, you have to decide whether the spoken words constitute one sentence or two. In this case, there are two:
“G’day Elvis” Elvis called across the bar to me. “it’s good to see you back again”. Of course I recognized this Elvis immediately. This was Parkes’ local King, Elvis Lennox. Elvis Lennox is a local legend. -- So, the second sentence in quotes should be capitalized ("It's good to...). Also, this paragraph has one character speaking and another thinking. To avoid confusion, it's best to separate the two (I made other corrections in this excerpt):
“G’day Elvis,” Elvis called across the bar to me. “It’s good to see you back again.”
Of course, I recognized this Elvis immediately. This was Parkes’ local King, Elvis Lennox. Elvis Lennox was a local legend.
Punctuation goes inside the closed quotation marks:
“Yeah well I wont be leavin’ you alone about this one either, mate. Everyone raved about you last year. You’re movin up to the big time this year. I got you a spot supporting Mark Andrews”. ...Andrews."
First Impression Wow Factor: Four ’s
The first time I read through this, I enjoyed the characters and the humorous images I saw in my mind's eye of a multitude of Elvises swarming a village.
I felt the pace was slow and the rising action leading up to the climactic scene could have been refined. I enjoyed the story more the second time I read it.
My Overall Rating: (Three and three quarters rounded up)
I enjoyed your creative story! I have already read through all the entries once, and am in the process of rereading each story and writing its review. I will make a decision no later than July 20th (probably sooner ) and post the winners in the contest forum. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!
Nicki
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