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151
151
Review of Scarlet Dawn  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Feel free to use this sig if you are a Paper Doll Gang Member!



Hello Sir Thomas! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: 3.5 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* You did a good job maintaining the point-of-view narrative, and told the entire story through the filter of Robert.

*Thumbsup* The physical descriptions you used helped me see the characters better in my mind's eye.

*Check2* There were a lot of "telling" descriptions throughout this story. Incorporating "showing" descriptions that allowed the reader to picture the emotional states of the characters at each moment helps bring richness and texture to a story.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 3*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The opening paragraph was very strong and drew me into the story.

*Thumbsup* You used a lot of strong, descriptive language to bring the scenes to life. I enjoyed picturing the visual effects of the spells flying through the air in the battle scene.

*Check2* This story took on a very long time frame (spanning over fifty years) in right around 1000 words. When approaching a short story, it's important to flesh out the story you want to tell by concentrating on one moment of significance. Fill in the gaps with back story, but focus the character's problem in that moment and show how, though the character faces personal conflicts, he/she faces them in the climactic scene and resolves the problem.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 3 *Star*'s


*Check2* Comma/Semi-colon Usage:

Robert Teller was praised by his professors, never before did a student have such mastery over magick by his fifth year... -- Both clauses in this compound sentence are independent so the comma after "professors" should be a semi-colon.

'a scarlet, hooded, robe' -- you don't need the comma after hooded *Right* a scarlet, hooded robe

He brooded for many years until he had a large, cult like, following. -- cult-like is hyphenated, and the comma after is is unnecessary



*Check2* Typos:

...a ball of white energy shot from its gold lpated tip. -- gold-plated tip

By the battles end, Robert lay crippled and near death. / ...Frederick then slaughtered all but two of Roberts followers... -- battle's end, and Robert's followers

The assault was on the front page of every news paper... -- newspaper is one word


*Check2* Sentence structure:

“I couldn’t tell you,” he said, “how over joyed I am to see you in just one word.” -- I suggest moving the last phrase so that it modifies the correct word: “I couldn’t tell you in just one word,” he said, “how over-joyed I am to see you.”


*Check2* Dialogue

“One hundred and sixty four years you’ve lived.” Amdis said after many moments of silence. -- The period after "lived" should be a comma.

“I am seventy years old.” He stated. -- Corrected: “I am seventy years old,” he stated.

“I plan to outlive them by five centuries.” He said, pulling a long wand from his robe pocket. -- Corrected: “I plan to outlive them by five centuries,” he said, pulling a long wand from his robe pocket.

“Goodbye, Frederick.” Amdis stated as-matter-of-factly. -- The period after "Frederick" should be a comma.


*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: 3.5 *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* There was a lot of engaging action in this epic short story.

*Check2* I would have liked to see some original aspects to this story, which reminded me very much of the Harry Potter series, so that the characters and their aspirations seemed fresh and new.



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


~Nicki~
I'm proud to be a Rising Stars Leader
Most Helpful Review Ribbon won in July 2009
152
152
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Feel free to use this sig if your are a Paper Doll Gang member!



Hello Mariella! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: 4 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I thought the characterization was good for this genre of story. The story was folk tale in tone, and the speech, movements, and gestures of the characters seemed natural in its context.

*Check2* So that you bring something fresh to your story, I suggest finding something very unique to offer to your characters so they don't seem stereotypical. I pictured all the mythical creatures in the story, for example, based on the way other storytellers have already described mermaids or giants, and I would have loved to "see" what they looked like in your story, from your own descriptions.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace:4.5 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* There were several things I liked about the way this plot unfolded. First, I enjoyed the repetition you employed. Each group of creatures the king visited was approached with the same lines of discourse; their gift ideas were turned down the same way; and, the king always took his leave with the same closing comments. This gave the story a very folk-ish feel that I found appealing.

*Thumbsup* I liked that in the king's search for the perfect gift for the princess, he was suggested gifts of air, water, and fire. The use of elements here was clever.

*Thumbsup* There is a good lesson in this piece: rather than offer riches and extraordinary presents, the most down-to-earth gifts, like a cat, will please a child the most.


*Check2* I suggest changing the genre sub-headings for this story to include "Children's," "Fantasy," and/or "Folklore."



*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4.5 *Star*'s


*Check2* “It is no use!” exclaimed the King astride his horse, “There is not a gift in the land which is suitable for my princess!” -- Since the sentence in the second set of quotation marks isn't a continuation of the first, the comma after "horse" should be a period.

The same is true for this sentence: “Please, your Majesty, perhaps we can help you,” said one of his men, “Tell us, tell us. What exactly are you looking for?” -- The comma after "men" should be a period.

“I seek no gift.” said the King and the woman smiled as if she new something the King did not. -- A comma, question mark, or exclamation point -- but never a period -- appears inside the closed quotation marks followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, etc.) *Right* “I seek no gift,” said the King, and the woman smiled as if she new something the King did not.

“You seek something that cannot be created by man, woman or child.” She said mysteriously. -- When a dialogue tag follows a spoken quote, it is never capitalized: “You seek something that cannot be created by man, woman or child,” she said mysteriously.

...the sound of his servant’s horses finally approaching behind him. -- servants' horses



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: 4 *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* I was hooked from the beginning of this story and stayed engaged through to the end. Nicely done!

*Check2* I thought the story could have used a bit more originality in its descriptions of the creatures and characters, so that I was drawn into a place and characters I'd never encountered before.


*Right* My Overall Rating: (4.25 rounded up) *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*



I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 10th of the month. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


~Nicki~
I'm proud to be a Rising Stars Leader
Most Helpful Review Ribbon won in July 2009
153
153
Review of Independence Day  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Shannon! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Independence Day.

[The comments following blue check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This emotional story tied knots in my stomach -- powerful writing!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The opening lines hooked me right away. I was drawn right into the story to find out what had put the narrator in her present state of mind.

*Thumbsup* The authenticity of every moment of this story was extraordinary. The tension when Liz staggered over to Jon and the narrator was delicious and torturous at the same time. What a great scene!

*Thumbsup* I loved how the meaning of the line "I'm not who you think I am" was a double-edged sword.

*Thumbsup* The dialogue was incredibly believable, so much so that I could truly see in my mind the scene unfolding as the wife ran away from Liz. When the wife and Jon spoke, I could "hear" their voices, their inflections. This almost never happens when I read stories, but you nailed the dialogue here. Perfection!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check4* Even though this story was told in first person narrative, I would have liked to know the narrator's first name. I think naming characters adds extra dimension to their personalities and helps readers feel a more intimate connection with them. When Jon is trying to reason with her, he calls her 'honey' even when her fury escalates. This struck me as a natural moment for him to try to get through to her by switching to her first name, or an affectionate pet name.

*Check4* I liked knowing that the narrator was so angry she actually put a knife into her purse. I filed that fact away as I read it, waiting for it to come back later in the story. I wasn't disappointed that it didn't, because the story was so strong in dialogue and intention through to the end. However, mentioning it again may not be a bad idea, as perhaps a fleeting thought as she's running away (eg: I willed myself to pull out my knife and shove it through her scrawny neck, but instead I spun around and started to walk, slowly at first, then faster. *Smile* Or something like that.)


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I didn't notice one error! *Cool*


*Star* I really got into this story, and its emotional impact on me was incredible. You wrote it in a way that put me right next to Jon and his wife on that beach, as if I were really there. Congrats on a strong story, and best of luck to you in the contest!



*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

154
154
Review of Old Glory  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Mara! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Old Glory.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Wow! This tightly written, emotional story touched my heart.


*Exclaim* What I liked: Mara, you're writing is fantastic on so many levels. Your descriptive voice was outstanding, and every modifier and high-impact verb you used brought the scenes into sharp focus. This allowed me to be right there in the middle of the action, feeling the torment of the characters as they regroup in the midst of a battle or the exhilarating surge of patriotism as they witness the twenty-one gun salute.

The dialogue between Garrett and Richison sounded authentic and provided a light-hearted moment in the midst of that devastating scene. Very well done!

My favorite lines were these, although there were so many that were sheer brilliance. For some reason though, these captured soldiers' bravery in the face of fear, and touched me with particular force:

One by one his brothers emerged, rising from the smoke and rubble. Heads swiveled, haunted eyes searching for their injured buddy, mentally checking off those that their gaze landed on. A horrified shout for a medic spurred them all into action.



*Idea* Suggestions: None, this was perfection.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

The trickle of sweat burned into sand seared skin. -- I think I would hyphenate "sand-seared"

...Garrett helped his companion to the parking lots firm, level ground... -- parking lot's firm, level ground


*Star* Thanks so much for sharing this incredible story with me. This contest and its prompt has brought the horror of war into sharp relief for me, and given me much to think about. Your story is a wonderful tribute to the brave men and women fighting today for freedom and democracy, as well as those whose fought before them. I loved the old warrior at the end, clutching his eighty-second Airborne hat to his heart. What an emotional moment and celebration of our vets -- and his passing the hat to the youngster's head was inspired and symbolic.

You've got a winner here!



*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

155
155
Review of Wings and Roots  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Bella! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Wings and Roots.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: As I read this poem, I thought about my own children and how much I wanted for them what the poem's narrator spoke of. The title of this piece is perfect, and sets the tone of the poem immediately. I loved this!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the free verse form used here, and thought the line breaks were very well-chosen. The poem flowed beautifully from line to line with a simple, rhythmic cadence.

I thought the imagery of wings and roots was poignant; both were perfect metaphors to deliver the poem's message.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I suggest capitalizing "Creator" and "Maker" since both clearly refer to God.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Welcome to Rising Stars, and thank you for sharing your creative talent with us!


All my best,
Nicki
I'm proud to be a Rising Stars Leader

156
156
Review of My Papaw  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Hanna! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "My Papaw.

Comments following check marks reflect just one opinion. Please disregard anything that doesn't work with your inspiration for this piece. *Smile*


*Note1* Emotional Impact: What a lovely tribute to your grandfather! I enjoyed each stanza for the imagery they conjured in my mind of happy moments shared with loving family members. My favorite was the picture I had in my mind of the talented dancer and the granddaughter, dancing together.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Great job with the imagery in this piece.

*Thumbsup* I thought the poem flowed nicely with gentle, lyrical rhythm.

*Check2* The first stanza begins all four lines with "You're." I wondered if you'd considered the following technique, which some poets use to break up repetition:

You are...

...my Papaw

...a lot of fun

...a lot like me.

...Second to none.




*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors! *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!


All my best,
Nicki
Image #1367099 over display limit. -?-

157
157
Review of Underneath  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Chuck-e! After reading your poem "Underneath, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: You've captured with eloquence the frustration, anger and desperation a person grapples with when someone is hurting them. I'm facing this dilemma now, and the person hurting me doesn't understand that I'm in pain. His words act like a cancer on me, silently destroying me from the inside out. I feel like the narrator in this poem.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The rhyme scheme you created added to the rhythm of the piece. I particularly liked the slant rhymes of smooth/groove, and ends/begins.

*Thumbsup* Using the word "cancer" intensified the poem's emotions and helped the reader understand the graveness of the narrator's perception.

*Check2* The repetitive organization of the lines, all beginning with "I," may not appeal to all readers. Another way you may consider presenting this poem is to use the following technique, perhaps in the middle stanza, or in some combination of the three:

I...

...think for a moment but that’s not the answer

...use all my power but feel so confused

...feel wholly helpless fighting this cancer

...pray to cease pain all excuses are used




*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Thumbsup* I liked the absence of line-ending punctuation and thought this creative choice added to the emotional impact of how the poem is read. I would suggest a couple punctuation marks within some lines, so the lines are read with the appropriate pauses. For example:

I pray to cease pain all excuses are used -- a semi-colon after "pain" will separate the two independent clauses here.

Also, you have several lines that follow this structure:

I itch under my skin but I can not scratch -- Normally, when two independent clauses (each with a subject and a predicate) are connected by a conjunctive (but, and, yet, so, etc.) there is a comma before the conjunctive. Poetry, of course, doesn't always follow grammar's rules *Laugh*. I suggest playing with commas in these kinds of lines to see if by inserting them the lines read more naturally, or if they aren't necessary after all. *Smile*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying the site. *Smile* I really enjoyed reading and reviewing your work today. Do, write on!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



158
158
Review of Au Revoir...  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello TikkunOlam! I visited your port and wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Au Revoir....

Comments following check marks reflect just one opinion. Please disregard anything that doesn't work with your inspiration for this piece. *Smile*


*Note1* Emotional Impact: Yes! I needed to read this today! The anger that comes through every line of this poem is tempered by the narrator's self-righteous feelings. For me, it spoke from a moment in time after the initial sting of the final insult had subsided, and the narrator realized he's had enough. Through the anger comes the calm, determined farewell in the closing line that says it all so well. Great job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the rhythmic flow of this piece, that rolled effortlessly off my tongue both when I read it silently and aloud.

*Thumbsup* The rhyme scheme added to the rhythm and overall appeal of the piece.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Great job with the poem's punctuation which increased readability and natural flow.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed your work today; thanks for sharing your creativity with us!


All my best,
Nicki
Image #1367099 over display limit. -?-

159
159
Review of Our Beginning  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello WhoMe! After reading your poem "Our Beginning, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This poem spoke to me and my relationship with my husband. I was reminded of the early part of our history, when I knew he was "the one" and we began to plan the rest of our lives together. You captured the range of emotions, from irrepressible joy to the calm in knowing all the pieces in destiny's puzzle were falling in place. Thanks for the smile in my heart as I read this!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I thought your lines flowed beautifully, aided by the regular syllabic range you used. The rhyme scheme added to the rhythm. Nicely done!


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Check3* I think "self made" would be better hyphenated because I read this line wrong the first time:
all self made with no suprise. -- Also, "suprise" should be "surprise" *Smile*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



160
160
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Jyo! After reading your poem "Do you know I'm Alive?, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: It's refreshing to read a poem whose narrator knows who she is, who is grounded and secure in her skin. She sees who she is and what she needs, but either can't communicate it to her love, or he can't see her for who she is. Either interpretation tugs at the heart, and calls to mind so many people I know, who prove the adage that love isn't enough.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I thought the tercets flowed nicely, and I liked the rhyme scheme that added to the rhythm of the piece.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: In the third stanza, I wondered if there should be a comma after 'comfort' in this line:

comfort care and attention


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!


Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



161
161
Review of She Walks  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
** Image ID #1419093 Unavailable **


Hi Nikola~

This poem tells the haunting story of love and despair. I thought it flowed beautifully. My husband and I often choose old, Victorian bed and breakfasts over chain hotels, and I'm always hoping to see a spirit. My husband rolls his eyes at me, LOL, but I'm captivated by the idea, and your poem spoke to me.

What a horrible way she chose to go. I'd have suggested an overdose of sleeping pills *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your creativity!
~Nicki~
162
162
Review of The Vacation.  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1514240 by Not Available.


Hi Joshua! As a judge in this contest and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Vacation..

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I like the direction your muse took you inspired by the picture prompt. This story set in a futuristic world after the collapse of society was vivid and interesting.


*Exclaim* What I liked: You did a great job with the characters of Lara and Julia. I enjoyed hearing the story through the filter of Lara's perception, and thought her innocent observations allowed me to understand just how Julia was raising money for their food. The emotional impact was high, and I was engaged with the plot as it unfolded.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Tunnel offered two very desired elements; already built, and easy to access. -- The flow of this sentence may improve slightly by tweaking the line along these lines: Tunnel offered two very desired elements: it was already built and easy to access.

*Check2* There are thoughts and actions of two characters in this paragraph, making it difficult for the first time reader to decipher who is the subject of the line I put in boldface:

Laralyn scrunched up her nose and sat in silence, like she always did when she wanted people to notice her discontent. She hated the nickname Larsie. Her mother knew this. She preferred silence to hearing Lara's complaints of hunger. They constantly struggled to find food, a fact which broke her mother's heart more and more everyday. -- It's best to reserve each paragraph to the action or thoughts of one character, but when not possible, you should avoid pronouns when both characters are the same gender.



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

The city defined the word slum however, remaining unclaimed only because no one wanted it. -- I love this sentence!! I only suggest changing "remaining" to "remained."

She paused a moment before taking Laralyn's hand, then set off to face the inevitable, to sell the only valuable thing left to her, to the entrance of Tunnel City. -- I think the latter half of this sentence would work nicely like this: ...to face the inevitable, to sell at the entrance of Tunnel City the only valuable thing she had left.

When asked about the curios landscape... -- "curios" should be "curious"

"There are only two 'brellas, so... that means it'll just be me and you right mom?" -- This line of dialogue is fantastic, and Lara's voice really comes through strongly. I suggest punctuating it like this: "There are only two 'brellas, so... that means it'll just be me and you, right, Mom?"


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creativity! Best of luck in the contest *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki

** Image ID #1505737 Unavailable **

163
163
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Harry! After reading your poem "The Canine's Howling At The Moon, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: I love how your poet's mind works! The howl of a wolf (or dog) is one of the most mournful, emotional sounds in nature, and I hear it now in my mind and believe you are right -- if all the angels in heaven cried, that would be the sound.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the lovely flow of this rhythmical piece. I thought the line breaks came at perfect moments. The descriptions were vivid and added texture and richness to the piece.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I didn't notice any errors *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoy all your work, Harry, and this piece is no exception. Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



164
164
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Sophy! After reading your poem "The Day My Father Died, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Every line of this beautiful poem reminded me of the way people cope with something painful like a family member dying, how we tend to stare at something out a window and contemplate its significance so our minds have somewhere else to dwell instead of on the pain. I was touched by this piece, its authenticity and its feelings. I loved the line about all that female energy around the father -- that for me added a layer of texture to the emotional aspect of the piece.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I'm glad I read the author's note at the bottom first, although I would have thought the poem flowed beautifully had I not. Your stream of consciousness guided this piece, and the results were spectacular.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors. I enjoyed the total absence of punctuation.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks so much for sharing your talent with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



165
165
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shane! Thank you for entering this story in:

 Who Are They and What's Their Story?  (E)
I give you the characters, you tell me their story. Great prizes!
#1465787 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to my prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: Four and a half *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed Elvis as the POV. I thought you did a good job characterizing him through his thoughts and perceptions, so that I got a very clear picture of him in my mind.

*Thumbsup* I loved how the Australian Elvises said "G'day"! That detail added a lot of color and humor to the story. All the Elvises helping him with his bags, pouring him a beer, etc. added more to the fun.

*Check2* There was little showing characterization in this story. At times you told the reader what the character's emotional state was instead of using body language or gesture to show it. (Showing characterization draws the reader into the moment.) For example:

It almost came as a shock to me when Lenno came up and said.
“Righto Elvis time to get on stage.”
“But I’m not even ready” I pleaded.
-- Here, instead of telling us he was shocked, you could have his head snap up, eyes grow wide, whatever he does when he's shocked or surprised.

Another example: “Ladies and gentlemen you’re a wonderful crowd.” My chest heaved with excitement. -- Instead of saying "with excitement," why not describe the crazy way his heart was thumping in his chest, or other ways a body physically recognizes excitement.



*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: Three and a half *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* I liked how the beginning and the ending happened on the train. Letting the main story unfold as a flashback was a good choice for this piece.

*Thumbsup* I really enjoyed the scene when Elvis was on stage at the Pavilion. The use of actual lyrics to Elvis songs brought authenticity to the moment, and I thought the pace through this section was exceptional.

*Check2* The pace was slow for me in many places. I think relating the events of the entire weekend was a mistake; what amounted to the rising action dragged up to the climactic scene with Elvis on stage. I think the pace wouldn't have suffered if Elvis on the train was savoring his big moment on stage, without including every movement in-between.

*Check2* The central conflict facing Elvis wasn't clearly resolved. I thought the main problem that his name, Elvis Presley, posed was that he had to hide from his girlfriends and co-workers the fact that he was an Elvis fanatic to the point of impersonating him. However, the climactic scene dealt with him facing his fears of performing in front of a big audience. In the story's conclusion, he revels in his successes on stage but ends with these sentiments: (My co-workers) wont be thinking that I have spent my entire weekend impersonating Elvis...But that’s okay, because the Annual Parkes Elvis Festival is my little secret.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: Three *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The following represent editorial areas you could concentrate on in future technical edits, and the examples shown demonstrate other mistakes to correct:

*Check2* Comma and Semi-colon Usage:

*Bullet* I do however know that the 16th Annual Elvis Presley Festival this year has attracted more than eight thousand visitors from all over the world. -- In this sentence, "however" should be set off with a pair of commas.

*Bullet* The relationship didn’t last, I fell in love with the town instead. -- The comma connecting these two independent clauses should be a semi-colon.

*Bullet* On Sunday afternoons we used to watch old Elvis movies, often it was the Sunday double, two classic Elvis movies to last the whole afternoon. -- Suggested corrections: On Sunday afternoons we used to watch old Elvis movies; often it was the Sunday double: two classic Elvis movies to last the whole afternoon.

*Bullet* There was singing and dancing and streamers and old cars, I have never seen anything quite so impressive. -- The comma after "cars" should be a semi-colon.


*Check2* Capitalization

*Bullet*...on the first Moon Landing back in 1969. -- I don't think 'moon landing' is a proper noun so it doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Check2* Repetition

*Bullet* All I remember is sitting in my fathers arms on the couch in front of the television as he sobbed, uncontrollably at first. I stayed with him there quietly as he slowly calmed down and then we sat in front of the television together. -- "fathers arms" should be "father's arms; the last phrase, "and then we sat in front of the television together," repeats what was stated in the sentence before it and can be deleted.

*Bullet* The welcome that we received at the platform was like all the rockin’ parties in all the Elvis movies, all rolled into one. -- Using a word three times in one sentence can have a strong, dramatic effect and be useful. However, here "all" draws unnecessary emphasis. I suggest tweaking this sentence along these lines: The welcome that we received at the platform was like all the rockin’ parties from every Elvis movie rolled into one.

*Check2* Dialogue Issues

*Bullet* When there is a dialogue tag (he said, she said), a comma, question mark, or exclamation point goes inside the closed quotation marks before the tag:

“G’day Elvis”, Elvis said to me as I stepped from the train onto the platform. -- *Right* “G’day Elvis,” Elvis said to me as I stepped from the train onto the platform.

“G’day Elvis” Elvis greeted me as I checked in. -- *Right* “G’day Elvis,” Elvis greeted me as I checked in.

*Bullet* When dialogue is interrupted by a tag, you have to decide whether the spoken words constitute one sentence or two. In this case, there are two:

“G’day Elvis” Elvis called across the bar to me. “it’s good to see you back again”. Of course I recognized this Elvis immediately. This was Parkes’ local King, Elvis Lennox. Elvis Lennox is a local legend. -- So, the second sentence in quotes should be capitalized ("It's good to...). Also, this paragraph has one character speaking and another thinking. To avoid confusion, it's best to separate the two (I made other corrections in this excerpt):

“G’day Elvis,” Elvis called across the bar to me. “It’s good to see you back again.”

Of course, I recognized this Elvis immediately. This was Parkes’ local King, Elvis Lennox. Elvis Lennox was a local legend.


*Bullet* Punctuation goes inside the closed quotation marks:

“Yeah well I wont be leavin’ you alone about this one either, mate. Everyone raved about you last year. You’re movin up to the big time this year. I got you a spot supporting Mark Andrews”. *Left* ...Andrews."



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: Four *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* The first time I read through this, I enjoyed the characters and the humorous images I saw in my mind's eye of a multitude of Elvises swarming a village.

*Check2* I felt the pace was slow and the rising action leading up to the climactic scene could have been refined. I enjoyed the story more the second time I read it.


*Right* My Overall Rating: (Three and three quarters rounded up) *Star**Star**Star**Star*


I enjoyed your creative story! I have already read through all the entries once, and am in the process of rereading each story and writing its review. I will make a decision no later than July 20th (probably sooner *Smile*) and post the winners in the contest forum. I will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!

*Flower5* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

166
166
Review of Friends Forever  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1514240 by Not Available.


Hi ConnieAnn! As a judge in this contest and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Friends Forever.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: The photo prompt inspired an emotional story about friendship and life.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* With weak knees she stumbled out of the stall without even rinsing. Sitting down on the toilet seat, wrapped in a towel, her teeth chattering from the cold air of the ac vent, a sour taste welled up into her mouth. Was it cancer? -- Excellent example of how to "show," not "tell" the character's emotional state. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* You did a wonderful job with the plot of this story. You fleshed out the story nicely, controlled the pace perfectly, and built the characters up so that I could see, hear, and connect with them. The results were a tightly written and engaging read.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Revealing her problem to the receptionist, she scheduled Darlene to come in the next day. -- The actions of two characters referred to with pronouns in one sentence makes for a confusing moment. I suggest tweaking this line for more clarity, perhaps something like: Darlene explained her problem to the receptionist, who scheduled an appointment for her to come in the next day.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Corresponding erratically over the years they kept up-to-date with each others lives, but all three lived over a thousand miles apart. -- Missing a comma after "years"

*Check2* I think Pat Benatar's song is titled Hit Me With Your Best Shot.



*Star* I enjoyed your entry very much! Thanks for sharing it and best of luck in the contest!




*Flower3* Nicki

** Image ID #1505737 Unavailable **

167
167
Review of Between Friends  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rockin' Reviewers - Award ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1514240 by Not Available.


Hi SummerLyn! As a judge in this contest and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Between Friends.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I liked the inspiration you drew from the photo prompt, which took you to a place where childhood friendship lasts a lifetime.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The tone of the story was very strong. You did a wonderful job conveying the warmth and love between the best friends, and the emotional impact of this piece touched me. Nice job!

*Thumbsup* I liked the explanation of how to open and enjoy a coconut. I got the impression that you have actually tried this -- so if you haven't, then bravo to you! Your descriptions were very believable!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* You write from the heart, SummerLyn, the mark of a naturally gifted writer! In this story, though, I felt that covering the time frame you did, spanning from the girls' teen years through to when they were married/divorced with kids, was too ambitious for a story under 500 words. You've got to flesh out the story you are going to tell, narrow your storytelling focus. The best way to do this is to choose one moment of significance and write about that.

For example, when approaching this story, one idea could be: Open the story with Elizabeth in a grocery store in Vermont in the dead of winter. She's in the produce aisle holding a coconut in her hand (talk about your out-of-season produce!) and her mind drifts back to childhood summers on the beach with Kathleen when they would open coconuts with a hammer and screwdriver.

I'm not trying to rewrite your story! I'm only trying to demonstrate how a short story can hone in on one moment in time, with back story included to fill in the details for the reader.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

"I have mine as well! It will forever be cherished." Kathy echoed with glee. -- The period after "cherished" should be a comma.



*Star* I enjoy your style so much! Thanks for sharing your story with us, and best of luck in the contest!




*Flower3* Nicki

** Image ID #1505737 Unavailable **

168
168
Review of Valentine  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Lure! After reading your poem "Valentine, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: As I read this piece, I felt the narrator's passion for his inspiration. So intimate were its words that I felt a bit like an eavesdropper, listening in on a private conversation.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: The poem was eye catching with its red font and heart dividers. I thought the lines flowed nicely though, at times, the rhythm was disrupted by a spelling mistake or grammatical error.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Bullet* The title at the outset of the poem is misspelled.

*Bullet* A Valentine poem or song I have never write -- The correct conjugation is: "I have never written." Since you need "write" in the rhyme scheme, I suggest something like: A Valentine poem or song I could never write

*Bullet* My mind my Heart and my soul -- I suggest commas separate the nouns in this line

*Bullet* You’ve captivate me can’t control myself -- Either of these will be correct: You’ve captivated me, can’t control myself -- or -- You captivate me, can’t control myself

*Bullet* Handle me gently please don’t break me -- I suggest a semi-colon after "gently"

*Bullet* Cupid Cupid where ever you are -- *Right* Cupid, Cupid, wherever you are



*Star* Lasting Impressions: This piece has a lot of heart and soul, but the emotions are compromised by technical errors. Once they are corrected, this poem is sure to soar to new heights. Thanks for sharing it with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



169
169
Review of I'm Special Too  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Daizy! After reading your poem "I'm Special Too, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This is a sweet little poem that uplifts the uncertain soul.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: There is a nice rhythm in this piece, and the rhyme scheme adds to the flow of each line.



*Note3* Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

I wonder about this line: That others have got -- I know "got" is necessary to rhyme with "not" in line 4, but I'm not sure "have got" is grammatically correct. 'I got' means 'I received,' and 'I have' means 'I possess,' so I think in this line "That others have" is grammatically correct.

I was curious about this (*Blush* 'cause I'm a word geek! *Laugh*) and here's an interesting debate on the subject I found on the Web:

http://www.antimoon.com/forum/t5488.htm



*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed reviewing this poem -- thanks for sharing your creativity with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



170
170
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Stained! After reading your poem "If You're Broken Hearted, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The sadness in this poem is profound. It's a story about love lost (When love has turned to hate, / and life has become a burden.), but there isn't anger in the narrator's words. I imagined the narrator was further along in the grieving process, already accepting the loss yet unsure how to deal with the sadness and move on. Very poignant.



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the free verse form of this piece. The lines flowed with nice rhythm. I liked how some stanza's were shorter than others, drawing focus to certain moments.

Subtle moments of alliteration and assonance lent pleasant sound quality to the piece. My favorite assonant lines were in stanza five:

Being empty inside has meaning.
Each
day is just a walk.




*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I enjoyed your poem -- thanks for sharing your talent with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



171
171
Review of To love a dragon  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Auntynae! Here is the third review for "Invalid Item. In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "To love a dragon.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: What a clever piece!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The internal rhymes in every sentence were creative and lent a sing-song cadence to the flow of the story.

*Thumbsup* The twist at the end was unexpected; nicely done!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* There were quirky moments to this story that seemed to jump off the page at me, momentarily pulling me out of the story. (For example: His council had a conference to discuss the quandary while Inferno was at home doing his laundry, which wasn’t much, as he didn’t own clothes as such.) As with poetry, using a word because it rhymes even though it doesn't "fit" in with the rest of the piece draws a lot of attention to it and away from the story.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: There were lingering editorial problems in this piece. Some things to look for are:

*Check2* In dialogue, when there is not a dialogue tag and instead action introduces the dialogue, or describes the speaker, it stands alone as an independent sentence. To illustrate, here are two examples:

“It should be obviously clear why I’m here,” Dawn spat at where the dragon’s sat. -- *Right* “It should be obviously clear why I’m here.” Dawn spat at where the dragon’s sat.

He sat the hat down with a frown, “Do tell, is this some mischief I smell? I don’t want to fight, I think fighting is not right.” -- *Right* He sat the hat down with a frown. “Do tell, is this some mischief I smell? I don’t want to fight, I think fighting is not right.”

*Check2* Inferno was shaken the maiden must be mistaken. -- There should be a semi-colon after "shaken."



*Star* This story has a lot of personality -- thanks for sharing it! I've enjoyed your work today *Smile*



*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

172
172
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Auntynae! This is the second of three reviews you won in "Invalid Item. In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Sasha and the ferry.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This was a heartwarming tale of devotion and adventure.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* It was an interesting and creative choice to make the point-of-view narrator for this story a puppy. It was fun to imagine the little dog's adventure, especially the seasick part! You did a good job characterizing him and I could picture his movements perfectly.

*Thumbsup* I also got a kick out of Jessica's mother and her typical parental warnings. The dialogue was believable and sounded realistic.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I noticed that in many paragraphs your sentences were structured in the same way, which tends to lull the reader's voice into a predictable pattern. For example:

Sasha cocked her head watching each woman as she spoke. She didn’t understand what they were saying, but their tone worried her. She started scooting away from the women when little hands snatched her up. -- All the sentences in this paragraph begin with the subject and verb, followed by modifying phrases. This is a regular pattern in this story. I suggest reconstructing some of the sentences, added variety and texture to the "sound" of the story.



*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Then the loud voice spoke again, “All aboard for the island.” -- *Right* Then the loud voice spoke again. “All aboard for the island.”

“Look at the pretty puppy mommy. Can I keep her? Pleassseeeee!!” The little girl begged as she jumped up and down. -- *Right* “Look at the pretty puppy mommy. Can I keep her? Pleassseeeee!!” the little girl begged as she jumped up and down.



*Star* I enjoyed this creative story. Thanks for sharing it!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

173
173
Review of The Guide  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Auntynae! As part of your win in "Invalid Item, and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Guide.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: I found your writing style smooth and engaging. There was a nice flow to your words that made for an enjoyable reading experience.


*Exclaim* What I liked: The suspense really began to build when Yasmin arrived at the train depot. The idea that the resort was closed yet her guide arrived as planned created a tense scenario and the pace picked up deliciously.


*Idea* Suggestions: I wondered why Yasmin didn't investigate her win-fall before leaving, and didn't even question how she came to win until she was on the airplane. That aspect of the story didn't ring authentic for me.

The end of the story escaped me. I wasn't able to understand who the "guide" was or what "home" he was returning her to. I thought perhaps this was a spiritual metaphor, but I couldn't be sure.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: There were some editorial issues in this story. Should you decide to revisit this piece, some of the things to look for are:

The train glided through the beautiful northern country side between mountains and beside clear blue lakes for an hour. -- The modifying phrase "for an hour" would better serve the sentence if it were moved: The train glided for an hour through the beautiful northern countryside, between mountains and beside clear blue lakes.

“But, but I have a ticket and paperwork here saying I have a reservation. See” I said showing him my reservation sheet.” -- *Right* “But, but I have a ticket and paperwork here saying I have a reservation. See,” I said, showing him my reservation sheet.

Frustrated and confused I did as I was bid. -- Missing a comma after "confused"

...but some kind of sereal killer. -- sereal should be serial



*Star* Thanks for sharing your creativity with me! This is the first of three short story reviews, and I look forward to reading more of your work.




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

174
174
Review of A Little Box  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Feel free to use this sig if your are a Paper Doll Gang member!



Hello Patrick! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: 3 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The emotions of the main character were raw and right on the surface, and I could picture her especially through the scene in the hospital.

*Check2* I would have felt a deeper connection to both characters if you had given them names. Naming your characters adds a lot to their personalities and gives them greater authenticity than when you only use "he" and "she" throughout the story.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 3 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* The opening of the story hooked me right away as I realized that something traumatic had taken place and I wanted to know what it was.

*Check2* This sentence establishes the time line of events for this story, and should use the past perfect verb tense so readers know that events happened (and were completed) in the past:

They were driving to the restaurant, the ring in his coat pocket. -- Try this: They'd been driving to the restaurant, the ring hidden in his coat pocket.

*Check2* I suggest eliminating this sentence, because although the entire story is told in "back story" fashion, this line spoils the suspense for the reader: Little did they both know, their everlasting love was only to last on this earth for a couple more hours.

*Check2* I was confused by the last sentence in the story. The main character is devastated by her loss and entering her house for the first time alone. When she smiles as she touches the box in her pocket it didn't match the way she was described in the rest of the scene.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 2.5 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup*

*Check2* Watch for compound sentences like this one where two independent clauses should be connected by a semi-colon, or by a comma followed by a conjunctive (and, but, so, yet, etc.):

The 24 karat gold band slid easily on her finger and a small tear ran slowly down her cheek, the taste of salty tears had been all too well known to her while in the hospital. -- Corrected: The 24 karat gold band slid easily on her finger and a small tear ran slowly down her cheek; the taste of salty tears had been all too well known to her while in the hospital.


*Check2* He had been driving over the speed limit by 5 mph like he always did to get everywhere. -- In literature, it is most accepted to write out numerals up to one hundred: five miles per hour.


*Check2* There were many sentences, like this one, where there seemed to be a missing a word: When they got to the it was exploding with people moving and running around. -- Also, "exploding" is a curious adjective to use. I suggest something along these lines: He had been driving over the speed limit by five miles per hour like he always did to get everywhere. When they got to the restaurant, it was hopping with people moving and running around.


*Check2* Watch for awkwardly composed sentences like this one that don't explain what is happening in a clear way: The waiter and him discussed the dinner arrangements quietly and he ran off to get the drinks. -- The use of pronouns in this sentence make it unclear who is doing what. I suggest this: The waiter quietly discussed the dinner arrangements with (name) and then went to get the drinks.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: 4 *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* I felt the strong emotions of the characters and the story's shocking turn of events touched my heart.

*Check2* The execution of the story and many of its descriptions seemed hastily written and distracted me from the plot.



*Right* My Overall Rating: *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


~Nicki~
Image #1367099 over display limit. -?-
175
175
Review of Yvette's Box  
Review by NickiD89
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Feel free to use this sig if you are a Paper Doll Gang Member!



Hello Pato Loco! Thank you for entering this story in:

Young Stars Shine Your Light Contest  (E)
A CONTEST JUST FOR WRITERS EIGHTEEN YRS OLD AND UNDER! ~ON HIATUS~
#1557458 by NickiD89


In appreciation for the time and energy you spent writing this creative story in response to the prompt, I offer you this in-depth review. Please refrain from editing your piece until after the winners are posted in the forum. Thanks!

[The suggestions following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please only take what you find helpful and leave the rest *Smile*]



*Note2* Characters: 4.5*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* You did a wonderful job painting the picture of both characters in this story. From your physical descriptions and from each character's speech patterns and movements, I could really "see" and "hear" them.

*Thumbsup* I liked that you maintained the third person limited narrative with Yvette as the narrator. The entire story was told through the filter of Yvette's perspective. Nice job!

*Thumbsup* I thought you "showed" the reader the emotions of the characters more often than you "told" them, which invited the reader more into the story. Sometimes, you included the emotion along with the "showing" description, which I thought unnecessary since your descriptions did the job on their own. For example, ...Yvette nodded in understanding... -- OR -- Yvette looked down at the ground, guilty that she had been a burden on this woman.


*Note5* Plot/Conflict/Pace: 4.0*Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Good opening paragraph -- I felt drawn into the story with the intrigue of ancient ruins and leaving behind yelling parents.

*Thumbsup* You established the conflict facing Yvette, and her motivation to leave home and never return made sense to me.

*Thumbsup* I thought the story unfolded with good pace. There was a lot of excitement and suspense.

*Thumbsup* It was of simple design, but with intricate designs and ribbons all over it like a birthday present. -- Vivid descriptions like this one helped bring the story to life.

*Check2* I would have liked to know who or what was hunting Elera. Remember that in a short story, every element or character brought into the story should serve a purpose, and that purpose should be revealed before the story ends.


*Note1* Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: 4 *Star*'s

*Thumbsup* Overall, you did a very good job self-editing this piece! I have only a couple editorial comments:

*Check2* Yvette had found the box one day at the park after having run away from her father. -- From this sentence, it sounds like Yvette found the box some time ago and not the same day the rest of the story took place. When you use past perfect verb tenses (had found, having run) you are establishing that the actions happened in the past before the time frame of the current story. If Yvette found the box and went straight to the ruins, I would suggest using simple past in this sentence.


*Check2* She walked through the arcing entrance... -- An "arc" is a part of a circle, so I think the word that best describes the entrance would be "arched."


*Check2* Dialogue

*Bullet* When you put dialogue and action together in the same paragraph, the impact of both lessen. Look at this excerpt:

Yvette smiled and nodded at the woman, whose eyes suddenly turned sad. “Can you speak Yvette?” Elera inquired. Yvette shook her head, suddenly wondering how Elera had figured out her name when she couldn’t speak to the box. Elera nodded and mused, “I must have heard your thoughts, or the box translated your Spiritual Melody to me.” -- I suggest you present it this way, so the spoken words stand apart from the rest:

Yvette smiled and nodded at the woman, whose eyes suddenly turned sad.

“Can you speak Yvette?” Elera inquired.

Yvette shook her head, suddenly wondering how Elera had figured out her name when she couldn’t speak to the box.

Elera nodded and mused, “I must have heard your thoughts, or the box translated your Spiritual Melody to me.”


*Bullet* When action introduces dialogue, or is used to explain who has spoken, when there are no dialogue tags (he said, she replied), the action stands alone as a complete sentence. Here are two examples to illustrate:

"Step into the center now," the voice soothed her and she stepped forward. -- *Right* "Step into the center now." The voice soothed her and she stepped forward.

"Fear me not Yvette, I am a friend," it was the voice! -- *Right* "Fear me not Yvette, I am a friend." It was the voice!


*Check2* After a few hours, Elera stopped and let Yvette down, gasping for breath. -- The phrase "gasping for breath" seems to be modifying Yvette, but from the context I realize it is Elera who is the one gasping. Moving the phrase will clarify the meaning of the sentence: After a few hours Elera stopped, gasping for breath, and let Yvette down.



*Note3* First Impression Wow Factor: 4.5 *Star*’s

*Thumbsup* The first time I read through this story, I was engaged in the exciting, fast-moving plot. I found the characters interesting and felt a connection with them.

*Check2* I was left with some lingering questions at the end of the story, and wished more was explained like who was chasing Elena and Yvette, and whether Yvette stayed in the new world or not.



*Right* My Overall Rating: (4.25) *Right* *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*


I enjoyed your creative story! Reviewers and Judges are in the process of reading each story and writing its review. Winners will be posted in the contest forum no later than the 7th of the month. The Judge will email the winners individually and award their prizes just prior to posting the results. Best of luck to you!


~Nicki~
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