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Hi Bob! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Past the Pinion Point" .
[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest .]
Initial Reaction: From the opening paragraph I knew this was five-star work. A fascinating and fantastic read.
What I liked:
You took the first person narrative and ran with it. Every word comes to the reader directly from the perspective of Jackson. Through the filter of his character, his story unfolds and each moment offers opportunities for the reader to understand Jackson better.
The descriptive nature of your writing is wonderful. More than clever use of high impact modifiers and metaphor/simile, you structure your sentences in a way that creates layers of emotion that enrich the reading experience while bringing the scenes to life.
Excellent use of dialogue to bring authenticity to each character. The various accents come through in each voice, adding to the uniqueness of the different cast members' personalities. [One thing to look for in the dialogue lines: When someone addresses another in speech, the name is off-set by a comma. For example: “I don’t think so Jackson,” she said. -- there needs to be a comma after 'so'.]
This is a GREAT line! With a whisper of fabric and a scent that smelled as if her dress was sewn from a Parisian garden she should stood and left me for the kitchen. (just remove 'should' )
I found the "Easter egg"! Are you a fan of "Lost"? I loved catching the reference to another of your stories while Jack scanned his wall of pictures. VERY cool!
The themes of anarchy, anger, and addiction were woven through the piece and worked well to explain where Jackson's demons thrived. The fact that he recognized he was walking down his father's road was poignant early on in building the character up for the reader.
One of the most appealing aspects of this story, for me, was the blending of reality and hallucination. Jackson's blackouts produced very real results, such as the lurid story he sent to Herman about Nancy. Other times, he was "awake" but conversing with people who were not really there. The dream sequence that began the climatic scene of this story so blurred the line that, like Jackson, I began to accept everything happening to him as 'real'. The final lines were deliciously cryptic and invited me to decide for myself what I thought really happened in those last hours in Jackson's apartment. I loved not being spoon-fed an ending -- you wrote this the way my most admired published authors do.
Suggestions:
Throughout the story there are paragraphs here and there that aren't indented. Look especially at single line paragraphs where indent tags are missing.
This line is a little hard to read due to its length: I never threw anything I had written away, no matter what it was and of course I had never taken the time to organize, so there were stacks of papers in every corner that bled across the hardwood floor to the foot of the large desk that I had to have in the middle of the room. -- At least I would insert a comma at the end of the phrase 'no matter what it was', but I think breaking this into two, or even three, shorter sentence would smooth out the section.
This may not seem like a big deal, and in fact, it may actually not be important. But, in the scene when Jack falls backwards in his office chair while trying to reach the light switch, he is described as spewing tomato soup-rich vomit. He stumbles into the bathroom to clean himself off, then leaves the office without righting the fallen chair. I kept waiting for him to be repulsed at some point, the next morning for instance, at the stinking vomit left uncleaned. There's never mention of the puke again. This little (possibly trivial ) detail nagged at me. The story is so genuine and moment-to-moment in description that I think Jack should spend a second to roll up the discarded papers that carpet his office floor to get rid of the vomit.
Grammar/Spelling Oops:
“No thanks mister B. Just get out of here before one of our respectable tenants see you.” -- When you edit again, look for missing commas, like the one here that should be after 'thanks'; and here: “You didn’t really quit drinking did you Jack?” -- “You didn’t really quit drinking, did you, Jack?”
“Nancy, your really here, right?” --And-- “Oh yeah, from earlier. Glad to see your actually wearing more clothes now.” -- 'your' should be 'you're' ( I do this all the time, too )
Was this just my vanity, this is just more of the DTs rearing their ugly head. -- This sentence needs tightening up. One suggestion would be: Was this just my vanity, just more of the DTs rearing their ugly head?
In my humble opinion, this story is near publish-ready. Best of luck to you if you plan to look for a publisher! Thanks for sharing it with me
Nicki
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