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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1416048 Unavailable **



The following is a review of "Ode To A Working Man, submitted as Assignment One for the class Tuesday Morning Cantos offered through "Invalid Item.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This ode is a wonderful tribute to iron structure workers. You captured the dangerous aspects of their jobs and the fearless defiance the workers embody every day they face those dangers. Loved the closing line!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* You used "ode" in the title, satisfying the first requirement of the traditional ode.

*Thumbsup* Excellent job creating a lyrical rhythm in this piece. You nailed another requirement of the ode: sing-song cadence.

*Thumbsup* The use of line-ending words really added to the poem's lyrical sound. Also, the internal rhyme in the first stanza worked very well (rough/tough/plus).


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I liked that you didn't include punctuation in this piece. The words create and guide the rhythm, and had you included punctuation I think the lines would have seemed end-heavy.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Great effort with this assignment! It's a real pleasure to be working with you!



*Note5* Please continue to engage in the weekly discussion. Don't forget to visit often "The Canto Café!

Write On!
~ Ms. Nicki ~
Write, write, wrimo!


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Review of Rain  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Darikana! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Rain.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This piece reads with high emotion and suspense. Although it seemed more like a scene from a larger work than a short story, I was engaged through to the end and found myself wishing I knew more about the characters and their situation.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Great descriptive voice! I saw the rain, heard the baby cry, and easily pictured the setting.

*Thumbsup* The way you presented hints about the baby's mother increased the tension in the story. Lines like these added suspense: My daughter was sitting in her car seat just behind me. She was only 5 months old, but her mother… her mother. -- AND -- I brushed the bruises on her neck: five fingers. I cried myself to sleep.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I liked the opening sentences because they set an immediate mood for the piece. I suggest, however, taking out mention of the windshield in the first, since the next sentence talks about it:

The rain poured down onto my windshield as hard as ever. I turned my windshield wipers on as high as they could, but the water drops never moved away. -- Perhaps you'll consider:

The rain poured as hard as ever. I turned my windshield wipers on as high as they could go, but the water drops never moved away.

*Check2* There seems like a lot of story left to tell and I encourage you to expand this piece. *Smile*


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

*Bullet* I don’t know how, but I’ve stayed on the curvy road for the past hour since the last drop of light dispersed without a problem. -- Here, 'without a problem' is dangling at the end, making it appear to modify the light that dispersed. Moving the phrase will tighten its intended meaning: I don’t know how, but I’ve stayed on the curvy road without a problem for the past hour, since the last drop of light dispersed.

*Bullet* Travelling through the black rock mountains... -- Travelling should be Traveling.

*Bullet* There was a momentary shift in verb tense: I knew I just had to get away from it all… this force must be the reason I was doing fine. -- *Right* ...this force must have been the reason...


*Star* Thanks for sharing your creative talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

** Image ID #1408232 Unavailable **

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Audra! Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot


So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Jaycee's Imagination.



[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]



*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story gave me chill bumps!!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The pace of this short story was fantastic. The opening lines were smooth, but this one created an immediate tone of suspense: “I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” From that paragraph on, I read a bit faster to find out where the story was leading.

*Thumbsup* Great job characterizing the POV. In just a few short paragraphs I was able to understand the mother and feel a connection to her in her situation.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* “I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” It was stated as a matter-of-fact as she scampered out the door to play in the first snow of the season. -- Here, I think hyphenating "matter-of-fact" makes it an adjective, while eliminating the hyphens allows it to be a noun, a matter (of fact). Also, I suggest the flow of the sentence may be smoother if she states the line, then runs out the door:

“I agree, Mommy. But Caleb’s real.” It was stated as a matter of fact, then she scampered out the door to play in the first snow of the season.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

...throwing the snowballs at her and then “Caleb”. -- Periods and commas always go inside the closing quotation marks, even in this sentence.


*Star* Great piece of flash fiction! Thanks for sharing it with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Mitten Mayhem  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Audra! Congratulations on winning "Invalid Item!

I'm reviewing this story today as part of:
Ink Blot Hall of Fame  (E)
Recognizing talent all across WDC!
#1522315 by Riot

So, in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Mitten Mayhem.



[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Great job spinning this descriptive and emotional story in under 300 words!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your use of dialogue to give each character a strong, unique voice was fantastic. I felt like I could "hear" each one, and through their voices I was able to conjure specific images of each one. I especially liked this line: “Hey, Fat Nat, look what I got,” Lauryn sing-songed. -- Both Natalie and Lauryn come into sharper focus with this simple line. Bravo!

*Thumbsup* I liked hearing Natalie's internal dialogue, and through her thoughts I felt a more intimate understanding of her (the POV) than the other characters.

*Thumbsup* The ending of this story exemplifies perfectly what I believe is the most effective way to close a story. I, the reader, am invited to decide what exactly has happened. The fact that Lauryn is now in possession of the mittens implies two possibilities: She may truly have found them and "made them cool" simply by wearing them, which should teach Natalie a lesson about peer approval; or, Lauryn saw Natalie ditch the mittens, and scooped them up as a new way to torment the girl, which would make sense because of this line earlier on: Lauryn and her groupies make enough fun of me. I’m not giving them more ammo. Either way, you allow the reader to participate in the ending as s/he decides what really went down. *Delight**Thumbsup* Well done!


*Idea* Suggestions: None! I loved this piece of flash fiction.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: I noticed no errors *Cool*


*Star* I've always been a big fan of yours, and this little short reminds me why! Thanks for sharing your talent with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Nymph Rhapsody  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



Hello Ken! I wanted you to know how much I enjoyed "Nymph Rhapsody.


*Note1* Emotional Impact: I can see how this image inspired you! Love it!! The personification of nature's sounds coming from these delightful nymphs brought a smile to my face, and I couldn't agree more with the message of the final stanza. My favorite lines from that verse, for their poignancy, are:

Their gatherings are smaller now, as the forests shrink.
As we encroach upon them, we push them to the brink



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: Great rhythm and flow. I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. Everything is working in this piece. *Thumbsup*


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: Just one little oops:
They move to natures rhythms as they lovingly perform -- Missing the possessive apostrophe in nature's


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I celebrate Earth Day each year, and this poem puts me right in the spirit. Thanks for sharing it with us!



*Thumbsup* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Miss Fit  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Jimminy! As a judge for "Invalid Item, and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Miss Fit.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: There is a strong moral offered by the end of this story.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* A lot of thought went into Sarah, and the many aspects of her personality made her an interesting character. I liked learning that she was being raised by her father, that she was better adjusted and less turbulent in the country than the city, and that she had a penchant for the supernatural/occult. I would have liked more descriptive characterization of her, so that she became an even more rounded character.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I noticed the word "countryside" appeared five times in the first two paragraphs. I suggest working with synonyms such as rural landscape, non-urban area, forest, natural environment, etc.

*Check2* Watch for shifts in the point-of-view narrative. The story opens in third person limited with Sarah as the narrator (shown with lines like: Sara sat on the edge of her bed, staring out her window into the late night countryside, listening to the night sounds that seemed to speak to something deep within her. ) The reader should only know what is going on through the filter of Sarah's perspective, so "hearing" her father's motivation in this line represents a momentary shift in POV:

He was bound and determined to do whatever it took to make her well. -- To fix this, you could say: Sarah appreciated that her dad was bound and determined to do...

At breakfast, her Dad had fed her a cheese omelet. -- I know what is the context of this sentence, but what it actually says is the dad spoon fed her the food like one would for a baby. I suggest replacing "fed" with something like "cooked," "prepared," or "gave."

*Check2* I wasn't sure how catching and releasing the mosquitoes led to her understanding Hecate was the one calling her name? Perhaps I missed something in the reading, or there may need to be a couple more dots presented for the reader to connect.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Her Dad thought it was just the great outdoors that appealed to her... -- In examples like this one (of which there were a couple throughout the story), 'dad' is not a proper noun and doesn't need capitalization.


*Star* Interesting inspiration from the photo prompt. Thanks for your entry, and best of luck in the contest!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Wishcraft  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Hunter's Moon! As a judge of "Invalid Item, and in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Wishcraft.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Fantastic writing! The descriptive quality of your style is wonderful.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* Your ability to describe a scene or character is outstanding. There were so many gems in this short story, such as, "A cool pine-scented April breeze tickled her curtains causing them to squirm just like she used to do when she played with her father." and "The scent of perfume mixed with a faint trace of dinner was somehow as reassuring as her mother's words." -- just to point out a few!

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the organization of this story, which flowed nicely from beginning to end. The opening was engaging, the middle rounded out the story nicely, and though I was very sure the father would appear by the end of the story, I enjoyed the little twist concerning his entry.



*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Each line of dialogue, however brief, should have its own line (or paragraph) because putting two speakers' words on the same line confuses the reader as to which character is saying what. For example:

Kathryn caught the bright sparkle of tears before they disappeared behind her child's small hands. "Honey, what is it" she asked? "Oh, nothing." -- There should be a double line break after 'asked?' so that Michelle's response, "Oh, nothing." appears on a line of its own. Also, there was a punctuation error in this sentence, so this excerpt should appear as:

Kathryn caught the bright sparkle of tears before they disappeared behind her child's small hands. "Honey, what is it?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing."



*Bullet* Another example:

"Do I have to?" "Come on. You know most of these kids and they'll listen to you." -- Here, Michelle speaks first, so Kathryn's lines beginning, "Come on. You..." should appear below it as a new paragraph:

"Do I have to?"

"Come on. You know most of these kids and they'll listen to you."




*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Not waiting for a reply, she continued "I miss him too." -- Missing a comma after 'continued'

...he needs to know we're here waiting here for him." -- I suggest eliminating one 'here'

"Look at that star," said her Mom. -- Missing 'she' before 'said'

...until the voice of her Mother broke into her reverie. -- In this sentence, 'mother' isn't a proper noun and doesn't need capitalization.

...to keep the little ones in something like line... -- Missing 'a' before 'line'



*Star* Great use of the picture prompt for the story's inspiration. I enjoyed your entry -- best of luck in the contest!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Jaye! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Gateway to the Stars.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This sweet story hooked me from the first sentence and kept me engaged to the last.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The descriptions of the settings (under the porch and at the swing) brought me right to those places, and through your writing I felt as if I could see them perfectly in my mind's eye.

*Thumbsup* There is a wonderful sense of authenticity in this piece, especially in the role of a little girl in the time period unable to play with the boys, and in the rich dialogue that really sounded like the characters were speaking out loud. Nice job!


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Well, nothing that got my curiosity worked up faster than knowing that there was a surprise in the works and my not knowing what it was. -- I suggest eliminating non-essential words in this sentence to make it more concise and smooth. Perhaps: Well, nothing worked up my curiosity faster than knowing there was a surprise in the works and not knowing what it was.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Since a little sister seemed to be out of the question and not up for discussion; I was forced to entertain myself... -- This semi-colon should be a comma because the first clause is dependent.

As we neared the tree line, he stopped waved his arm toward one particular tree. -- Is there a missing word (and?) after 'stopped'?

Shining steel cables emerged from each of the holes up and up, for what seemed like a mile to me, and was securely fastened around a branch nearly as big as my body. -- 'was' should be 'were' (steel cables...were fastened)


*Star* It's always such a pleasure to read your work, Jaye. Your style is fantastic; thanks for sharing!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of A CROSS TO BEAR  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Countrymom! After reading your poem "A CROSS TO BEAR, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The message of this wonderful poem is relevant and true. Perfect for the Easter season, and appropriate every other month of the year.

I love these lines in particular:
His cross was heavy, still He tried
to make His way known before He died,



*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The rhythm is lovely in this piece, and the rhyme scheme adds to its flow. I liked that the last stanza repeated the first, giving a full-circle feel to the poem.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

as He made his way to Calvary. -- 'his way' should be 'His way'


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Voiceless  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi there! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Voiceless.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story is based on a wonderful premise.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The character of Melanie is very interesting. Her physical descriptions draw me to her, especially the fact that she doesn't speak. The conflicts within her, stemming from the abusive past she doesn't really remember, make her story line possibilities endless.

*Thumbsup* I love this line: Her small stature spoke of nourishment her body had missed.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* I realize from the date this story was last modified that it hasn't been revisited in some time, but in case you ever decide to work more on it, I offer these few suggestions:

*Bullet* The facts that are revealed in this piece, the events leading up to the mysterious arrival of Melanie, the fact that she is physically able to speak, and the discovery in the old refrigerator, each need more room for development. I think readers would enjoy delving into more in-depth explanations for each of these points.

*Bullet* The opening paragraphs of this piece are told from the perspective of Aunt Bertha and Uncle Willy, then as the scene begins where Melanie is walking to town the POV shifts to her where it stays for the remainder of the tale. I suggest choosing one POV narrator and telling the whole story from that character's perspective. (Melanie seems like the most interesting choice, in my humble opinion *Smile*)

*Bullet* I imagined Melanie taking the same route home from the store since no mention of an alternate route was made. I expected some trepidation or reaction to having to pass the refrigerator again, this time knowing what was inside it. It seemed unrealistic that she was thinking she wished she hadn't seen what she did, instead of worrying about seeing it again.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

“It’s like God’s giving us a chance”, they would tell her... -- Corrected: “It’s like God’s giving us a chance,” they would tell her... (I suggest another edit looking for this type of problem.)

Sometimes Aunt Bertha would find her staring out onto the countryside, as if lost some memory. -- Is there a missing word here? "...as if lost (in) some memory" (??)

“We can’t always protect her, Bertha, he said.” “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands” -- Corrected: “We can’t always protect her, Bertha," he said. “She’ll be alright. Just leave her in the Lord’s hands.”

It had startled her so during the memory that had not realized the scream. -- A missing word here, too? "...that (she) had not realized the scream." (??)

“What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?” -- I suggest going with one of these two corrections: Either: “What’s wrong, honey?” he said with a smile. “Cat got your tongue?” -- OR -- “What’s wrong, honey,” he said with a smile, “cat got your tongue?”



*Star* I think this story has a lot of potential, should you decide to add to it one day. Thanks for sharing it!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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211
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Mr. Zanorskii! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "The Grandfather Clock.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This story has an intriguing premise, and my attention was held through to the (maddening *Wink*) end. *Smile*


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* The history of the clock told through the musings of the narrator was interesting to read and I shared the narrator's contemplation of each time period.

*Thumbsup* I liked the descriptive nature of this piece.

*Thumbsup* These are great lines which change the tone of the story immediately and heighten the tension: It could be the sound it makes when the pendulum swings. You might even mistake that sound for a laugh.


*Idea* Suggestions: The beginning of the story appears in present tense, but shifts to past tense with the paragraph "With all of my speculating, I still could not say for sure what secret that clock held." I suggest shifting the entire story into past tense, because I think it would read stronger.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Nothing exciting, except for the clock; -- The semi-colon should be a period.

The swinging of it's pendulum will echo through the dark... -- it's should be its

Or maybe, it's the tarnished pendulum... -- Remove the comma after "maybe"

...and laughing almost, to nearly hear it say; -- I think a colon is more appropriate than a semi-colon in each of this situation in your story.

"the never-ending relentless pounding of that force" -- insert a comma after "never-ending"


*Star* Thanks for sharing your talent with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.




*Flower3* Nicki
Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of October  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
For SP & RISING STARS Reviews.


Hi IdaLin! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "October.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: Although this article relates to October, I found it a great read and now look forward to that month when I can celebrate all the wonderful holidays you highlighted!


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I had no idea there were so many fun, non-traditional holidays to spice up October. Fall is my favorite season, and my birthday is the 3rd (another fellow Libra!), so I'm putting this article in my favorites to reference when October comes around again.

*Thumbsup* Your conversational tone made this article a real pleasure to read. I especially appreciated your humorous asides in the paragraph beginning, "Finally, there are the silly, but nonetheless real, holidays...

*Thumbsup* An article should have a "call-to-action" for its readers, and yours contains several. I thought this was great to include in the section about the various health-related holidays: Perhaps you want to lend a hand and support one of these causes or another health-related issue, or just do something for yourself and get a checkup if it's been a while. Screening saves lives, maybe your own.

*Thumbsup* I really liked the e-bay pop-note -- how did you do that?


*Idea* Suggestions: I enjoyed clicking on the footnoted links to read up more on the various holidays. I wondered why some items were footnoted and others were not? The link is wonderful at the bottom for the fantastic website where an extensive list of October holidays can be found, but the items without footnotes seemed to carry less importance somehow next to the ones with links. I suggest looking for sites with pertinent information for each holiday, so that this article is as packed full of helpful resources as possible.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

...and Nepalese Diwali, (28th) or "Festival of Light", to celebrate the good and evil in everyone. -- Here, the comma that follows "Diwali" (and the footnote) should be moved to the position after "(28th)"; and, the comma following "Light" should be inside the closing quotation marks.

It's a pretty substantial holiday in it's own right... -- it's should be its


*Star* I'm so glad I came across your tightly written, informational and entertaining article. Thanks for sharing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.

*Flower3* Nicki
Image #1417253 over display limit. -?-

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213
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Ben! After reading your poem "Beside Quiet Waters, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The spiritual nature of this piece is beautiful and uplifting. Great use of the photo prompt for inspiration. I especially enjoyed the section with the shepherd, and thought the imagery added greatly to the idea of gentle and peaceful guidance.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* Great job with the Nove Otto. The rhyme scheme was spot on and all the line ending words were true rhymes.

*Thumbsup* Although the requirement is eight syllables per line, I don't think the Nove Otto insists on any other meter. However, I thought your use of iambic tetrameter was an excellent choice and the rhythm of this piece is outstanding and beautiful.

*Check2* The only line that jumped off the page and didn't seem as lyrical as the others was this one: My heart feels it must break in two -- There are eight syllables so the problem isn't there... perhaps it's because each word in the line is a one syllable word? When I read the line the first time, I automatically put emphasis on "My." That, I think, threw off the iambic meter for me. When I went back and read it, intentionally un-stressing the first word, the rhythm fell into place.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Check2* Then ‘cross the field a shephard walks, -- "shephard" should be "shepherd."


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I really enjoyed this, Ben. Your talent always inspires me! Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest *Smile*


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Loves Burden  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Challenged! After reading your poem "Loves Burden, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: You captured the conflict encountered when love, or perhaps infatuation, lures a person off his path or throws into question which path is the right one. Nice job!


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I liked the arrangement of this piece, with couplets interspersed with single lines. This decision helped the single lines enjoy more emphasis.

*Thumbsup* I loved the last line -- very poignant!

*Check2* You maintain eight syllables per line except the first line of the second couplet, which has nine. The extra syllable throws off the rhythm for a moment. A simple fix would be to eliminate "My." Also, "vs." would look better if it appeared spelled out, and there are some punctuation issues. I suggest these changes:

My head vs. heart which one is right -- *Right* Head verses heart, which one is right?



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed a couple other problems:

Back or forward surface or depth -- I suggest separating these ideas with a comma after "forward."

Be still to thy own self be true -- *Right* Be still; to thine own self be true

This step will than burden the rest -- "than" should be "then"


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your creativity with us!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of THIRST  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Joy! After reading your poem "THIRST, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: The writer and the reader in me cheered at your words! I especially agree with the poignant message of the closing stanza. Beautifully written, Joy.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the rhythm of this free verse poem. I found it flowed like the narrator's thoughts, strong and confident.

*Thumbsup* The imagery used added impact to the moment, especially the metaphor of the rodeo, and the mention of trash bins and landfills.

*Thumbsup* Great job choosing line breaks to add emphasis and dictate the flow.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I liked that many of the lines were not capitalized. Great use of sparse punctuation to guide the reader only when necessary.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing this wonderful poem!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.


Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Forever  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello! After reading your poem "Forever, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: This sweet poem reminded me of the swoon of new love, when the mind and heart can only circle around the wondrous emotions felt, almost too strong for words.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: I enjoyed the repeated line in this piece. You captured a nice rhythmic flow and the lines were fluid on my tongue as I read.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Smile*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with us!!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Kare! After reading your poem "In your topaz dream, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: There is such joy in your words here. The poem is uplifting, celebratory, and emits its own light.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The imagery is wonderful, and speaks of light that shines like the sun and stars, of romantic vistas in Italy, and of dreams realized.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the moments of alliteration, particularly:

"clinging to cliffs of Capri" -- And --
"moonstones of marble"


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I noticed no errors *Cool* The use of line-ending punctuation and appropriately chosen capitalization helped guide me across the lines, enjoying the pleasing rhythm.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your talent with Simply Positive!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Weekend Getaway  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Dark Rose! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Weekend Getaway.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This short short has a nice slice-of-life vibe to it.


*Exclaim* What I liked: You did a great job filtering the emotions of Sadie through her thoughts, speech and actions. Nice job!


*Idea* Suggestions: This contest entry is a wonderful jumping off point for a longer story. It's introduction shows the weekend isn't off to the start Sadie imagined, and the broken heater could foreshadow interesting turns of events to come!


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

Sadie, however, didn't see that as much of a consolation as she sat on the couch wearing five different layers of mittens, sweaters, and sock... -- There are some extra words in this line you could trim away or change and tighten up the sentence. For example, "much of a" can be replaced by 'any': Sadie, however, didn't see that as any consolation... Also, 'different' layers is redundant because the plural indicates that the layers aren't the same.


*Star* Thanks for sharing your inspiration with us!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review by NickiD89
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Bob! In the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Past the Pinion Point.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: From the opening paragraph I knew this was five-star work. A fascinating and fantastic read.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* You took the first person narrative and ran with it. Every word comes to the reader directly from the perspective of Jackson. Through the filter of his character, his story unfolds and each moment offers opportunities for the reader to understand Jackson better.

*Thumbsup* The descriptive nature of your writing is wonderful. More than clever use of high impact modifiers and metaphor/simile, you structure your sentences in a way that creates layers of emotion that enrich the reading experience while bringing the scenes to life.

*Thumbsup* Excellent use of dialogue to bring authenticity to each character. The various accents come through in each voice, adding to the uniqueness of the different cast members' personalities. [One thing to look for in the dialogue lines: When someone addresses another in speech, the name is off-set by a comma. For example: “I don’t think so Jackson,” she said. -- there needs to be a comma after 'so'.]

*Thumbsup**Thumbsup**Thumbsup* This is a GREAT line! With a whisper of fabric and a scent that smelled as if her dress was sewn from a Parisian garden she should stood and left me for the kitchen. (just remove 'should' *Wink*)

*Thumbsup* I found the "Easter egg"! Are you a fan of "Lost"? I loved catching the reference to another of your stories while Jack scanned his wall of pictures. VERY cool!

*Thumbsup* The themes of anarchy, anger, and addiction were woven through the piece and worked well to explain where Jackson's demons thrived. The fact that he recognized he was walking down his father's road was poignant early on in building the character up for the reader.

*Thumbsup* One of the most appealing aspects of this story, for me, was the blending of reality and hallucination. Jackson's blackouts produced very real results, such as the lurid story he sent to Herman about Nancy. Other times, he was "awake" but conversing with people who were not really there. The dream sequence that began the climatic scene of this story so blurred the line that, like Jackson, I began to accept everything happening to him as 'real'. The final lines were deliciously cryptic and invited me to decide for myself what I thought really happened in those last hours in Jackson's apartment. I loved not being spoon-fed an ending -- you wrote this the way my most admired published authors do.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* Throughout the story there are paragraphs here and there that aren't indented. Look especially at single line paragraphs where indent tags are missing.

*Check2* This line is a little hard to read due to its length: I never threw anything I had written away, no matter what it was and of course I had never taken the time to organize, so there were stacks of papers in every corner that bled across the hardwood floor to the foot of the large desk that I had to have in the middle of the room. -- At least I would insert a comma at the end of the phrase 'no matter what it was', but I think breaking this into two, or even three, shorter sentence would smooth out the section.

*Check2* This may not seem like a big deal, and in fact, it may actually not be important. But, in the scene when Jack falls backwards in his office chair while trying to reach the light switch, he is described as spewing tomato soup-rich vomit. He stumbles into the bathroom to clean himself off, then leaves the office without righting the fallen chair. I kept waiting for him to be repulsed at some point, the next morning for instance, at the stinking vomit left uncleaned. There's never mention of the puke again. This little (possibly trivial *Bigsmile*) detail nagged at me. The story is so genuine and moment-to-moment in description that I think Jack should spend a second to roll up the discarded papers that carpet his office floor to get rid of the vomit.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops:

“No thanks mister B. Just get out of here before one of our respectable tenants see you.” -- When you edit again, look for missing commas, like the one here that should be after 'thanks'; and here: “You didn’t really quit drinking did you Jack?” -- *Right* “You didn’t really quit drinking, did you, Jack?”

“Nancy, your really here, right?” --And-- “Oh yeah, from earlier. Glad to see your actually wearing more clothes now.” -- 'your' should be 'you're' (*Smile* I do this all the time, too *Bigsmile*)

Was this just my vanity, this is just more of the DTs rearing their ugly head. -- This sentence needs tightening up. One suggestion would be: Was this just my vanity, just more of the DTs rearing their ugly head?


*Star* In my humble opinion, this story is near publish-ready. Best of luck to you if you plan to look for a publisher! Thanks for sharing it with me *Smile*




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of Dear God  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Wyn! After reading your poem "Dear God, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact:

*Thumbsup* You did a great job capturing the desperation of one struggling in life, and the urgent, whispered prayer she offers to her higher maker. Those types of prayers often ask the kinds of questions posed here: Are you there? Are you listening? They reflect the idea that when life gets very difficult, our faith is tested. Even those who wouldn't articulate it that way, who are grounded in their faith, find themselves thinking, 'What's the deal? Is God there or not, and why isn't He helping me?'


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* The imagery in this poem is poignant. Light and dark are at play; a heart filled with pain, no end in sight; faith in vain.

*Thumbsup* The choice to begin this piece with "Dear God," so that the form of a prayer delivered the message, added strength to the work.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

*Check2* I liked that there was no capitalization at the beginning of each line. This suggested a flow of prayer-like thoughts in the narrator's mind more like silent prayers in bed at night than the formal prayers in a church service (if that makes sense *Bigsmile*). However, I would suggest capitalizing all pronouns that refer to God, since this is the appropriate way to write accepted by religious believers.


*Star* Lasting Impressions: What can I say -- I loved it!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of Homecoming  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hi Hunter's Moon! As a judge for "Invalid Item, as well as in the spirit of writers helping each other hone their craft, I offer the following comments for "Homecoming.

[The comments following red check marks are based on my observations and opinions. Please use only what you find helpful and disregard the rest *Smile*.]


*Flower4* Initial Reaction: This tightly written story grabbed my attention at the beginning and kept me engaged through to the end.


*Exclaim* What I liked:

*Thumbsup* I liked the inspiration you drew from the photo prompt for this interesting story.

*Thumbsup* The pace of this piece was wonderful. It moved from sentence to sentence with excellent flow, and the overall voice was fantastic.

*Thumbsup* The descriptions in this story gave me a perfect picture in my mind's eye of each scene and the action playing out.


*Idea* Suggestions:

*Check2* When I got to this line, I felt a strong sense of foreshadowing: Up to this point in time, no other life forms had been discovered. I was a little let down that no "life forms" entered the story by the end. Since this was not the direction you took with the story, I suggest tweaking the language in the sentence along these lines: Up to this point in time, no evidence of other life forms had been discovered.


*Question* Grammar/Spelling Oops: Great job with the mechanical side of this piece. I noticed no errors! *Cool**Thumbsup*


*Star* I enjoyed your story very much -- Good luck in the contest!




*Flower3* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing

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Review of The Snow Queen  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Cubby! After reading your poem "The Snow Queen, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Each time I read through this poem, I drew new conclusions about what its message could be. I felt a sense of forlornness, and power. The image of a Winter Queen reminds me of the season itself, cold, powerful, holding the world in a grip of suspended animation; punishing, but aware that her time is limited and the warmth will come again.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* I liked that this poem is a column of lines, rather than divided into stanzas. This presentation mirrors the season of the Winter Queen, and being held in her grasp until the end.

*Thumbsup* The choice of blue font added an appropriate chill to the poem's appearance.

*Thumbsup* The regular syllabic count per line lent a nice, rhythmic flow to the piece.

*Check2* Since there normally four syllables per line, the one long line in the piece really sticks out:

Seduction of
the land is hers,
attacking the adulterers,
the good, the bad,
the dead, the green.


I suggest breaking up the line "attacking the adulterers," which has eight syllables, into two lines of four:

Seduction of
the land is hers,
attacking the
adulterers,
the good, the bad,
the dead, the green.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: I didn't notice any mistakes. *Smile*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: I have really enjoyed reading your work today! You are a talented story teller and poet, and your creativity inspires me. Thanks for sharing your work with me!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review of The Lemon Tree  
Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Cubby! After reading your poem "The Lemon Tree, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: What a happy poem! The lines were fresh, upbeat, and a pure joy to read. Everything was working to offer an enjoyable reading experience.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form:

*Thumbsup* In perfect triplet form, each tercet's lines ended with a true rhyme.

*Thumbsup* The poem's rhythm was strong and pleasant due to the regular use of seven or eight syllables per line. It sounded great when I read it silently, and flowed off my tongue when I read it aloud.

*Thumbsup* I enjoyed the sound of the alliteration in this stanza:

Flavors candy, cough drops, cake
Used in many foods we bake
Cookies for a coffee break


*Thumbsup* The smiley face lemon tree you created at the poem's heading is adorable and set the happy tone right away.


*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling:

I noticed no errors! *Cool*


*Star* Lasting Impressions: This was a lot of fun to read!! Thanks for sharing your creative talent!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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Review by NickiD89
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Kiya!

I have been trying to create my first WDC web page since upgrading my membership to premium several months ago -- and this tutorial has really helped the bits and pieces of information I have gotten from my own web searches sink in. Thank you so much for explaining these basic HTML tags in simple, layman's terms.

The links you include on this page have been incredibly helpful!

If you hadn't sponsored this page on the WDC web pages list, I may never have found it! I don't know how much you spend on bid clicks for this advertisement, but please accept this small donation so that other members who will benefit from this tutorial will find it as easily as I did. *Smile*

I so admire your talent, Kiya, and all that you do to make WDC a great community! Have a wonderful week!

*Heart* Nicki

Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing
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Review by NickiD89
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1458790 Unavailable **


Hello Steph! After reading your poem "The Soul of an Isle, I offer you this humble review.



*Note1* Emotional Impact: Though the story of St. Patrick's Day origins is not all joyful, you managed to tell it with a tone of celebration and happiness. I liked that you explained the significance of the three and four leaf shamrocks.


*Note4* Effectiveness of Form: You used an interesting rhyme scheme in this piece. I liked that, generally, lines one and two of each stanza rhymed. Clever!

I also liked the repeat of (on) St. Patty's Day in every last line of the stanzas. This choice brought cohesiveness to the poem.



*Note3* Punctuation/Spelling: In this line, should 'hold' be 'Holy'?: helped explain the hold Trinity


*Star* Lasting Impressions: Thanks for sharing your St. Patty's Day tribute with us!



Sig by KiyaSama I use when reviewing



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