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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hermione1247
Review Requests: OFF
108 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm working on it. But generally my honest opinion of the piece, things I really enjoyed, any holes in the plot or characters, things I'm unsure of, any errors in grammar or spelling that I pick up on - if there's anything specific that you'd like me to comment on just let me know
Favorite Genres
Young adult, comedy, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy
Favorite Item Types
Short stories or chapters, both personal and fiction
I will not review...
Poetry, not because I don't enjoy it, but simply because I do not feel I know enough to give a fair review. Full novels, unless it's split into chapters, for which each chapter will need a different request unless I become addicted and can't stop reading it!
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Gasoline  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)


Hello Velicity Phoenix *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your short story Gasoline

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

As I was aware you'd been inspired to write from the song Gasoline by Halsey, I thought I'd give it a listen before I read your short story. I really liked it, it portrays so much pain, but at the same time strength. You've reflected this well in your writing.

*MushroomR* Repetition

In your first sentence you repeat the act of sitting when describing your character's actions:

Sitting on the subway bus, she sits holding her head down.

I think the sentence would flow better if you changed one of the clauses, something like

Sitting on the subway bus, she sits holding her head down.

or

Sitting on the subway bus, she sits holding holds her head down.

*MushroomR* Spelling

There are a few spelling mistakes and typos

such as A brown lake luke warm bath

And pajama - pyjama

those 2 two pink lines well would be well more then than worth

*MushroomR* Plot

I like the way the plot walks you through her drab day, on the subway, through a horrible alley way, into her rundown flat. It all helps to create the picture of her hard life. The only ray of sunshine is the last paragraph - I really like the contrast.

*MushroomR* Tense

The main tense you use is the present tense, however there are a few places where you slip into past tense, such as ...

She sighs, as she walks in. She went goes inside, and dead bolted bolts the door 3 times.

The past tense tends to occur more towards the end of your short story. A quick read through should clear this up.

*MushroomR* Writer's Voice

Some sentences don't quite flow at the moment due to word choice. An example is Everyone made spread rumors that she was a whore.

The sentence She's beautiful but no one else can see it contradicts with the later statement "She's too pretty to be smoking" they would whisper

*MushroomR* Things I like

I like the scene in the bathroom, when she's looking in the mirror. The colourful descriptions of her appearance paint a clear picture in the reader's mind.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

It's a good basis for a short story, and I like that you were inspired by a song, I actually have something similar in my portfolio. Music is good for inspiration! If you give this another read through you should be able to spot the typos, and fix the tenses and grammar. If you need any more help don't hesitate to email!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Until Next Time  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)


Hello Wandergirl *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece Until Next Time

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, and my suggestions are lilac.
*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

I really like the ending, for me it's the perfect way to end a short story - leaving the reader hanging and not knowing what happens next.

*MushroomR* Tenses

It's noticable to the reader that you switch between past and present tense contantly. You definitely need to pick one and stick to it consistantly, as it disrupts the reader's flow.

An example is the sentence As we spent more time talking about this & that, I came to know that he is also not a chatty type, which is currently in past tense while the majority of the story is in present tense. It could be changed to As we spend more time talking about this and that, I come to know that he is also not the chatty type (I've also changed the '&' to 'and' which reads better, and changed the 'a' to 'the' before chatty type, and chatty is a type, and there aren't different types of chatty type, or if there are you are using it in a comparison to the protagonists type so 'the' should still be used.

*MushroomR* Sentence Structure

Whenever a character speaks, a new paragraph should start.

If this section "So, how does living in Singapore feels like?", I asked. "It's great, I like the city, people are good, I love my job, so it's cool". "How about you? Do you love the work you do?", he asked. is more spaced out like so,

"So, how does living in Singapore feels like?", I asked.

"It's great, I like the city, people are good, I love my job, so it's cool". "How about you? Do you love the work you do?", he asked.


It is a lot easier for the reader to follow the conversation, and see who is saying what.

*MushroomR* Plot

Overall, I love the idea of someone travelling somewhere new, being panicky about meeting a host, and then later enjoying experiencing all these new things. It is a grand adventure and you've definitely packed a lot in! I like that it's not just your average romance story, while there is obvious sexual tension between the characters, there is a lot of detail in the activities they do, which I think is very important.

However, the plot appears a little jumpy. For example, a lot of emphasis is placed on finding wifi in the airport, but then she texts her brother and host anyway. Maybe change 'text' to 'message' to make sense. There is also a quick jump to her being starving, when hunger wasn't mentioned previously, and due to the inferred quickness of the long immigration queue, the reader struggles to get a sense of the amount of time that has passed since her plane has landed.

*MushroomR* Details

Some of your scenic description is really nice, especially the early morning sky description and your earlier skyline images, which really help the reader to see what the character is seeing.

However, I have noticed that little details don't necessarily go together. For example, she first describes her dress as a flowing summer dress, then it is hugging my body tightly, and then it is the dress is a little short and a little tight. Furthermore, her host says she doesn't have to worry about the dress since it's pretty fine considering the place and the company, which to me isn't really a compliment, but she reacts with How does this guy even thinks of such nice things to say? which I think is a bit of an over reaction.

And why, if they both had phones, did they have to take their calls one after the other?

Near the start she also refers to photos as stupid - if she thinks they're stupid why do they mean so much to her? Or is she implying she thinks the idea of it is stupid, and she feels silly and embarrassed?

It's things like this that for me, as a reader, confuse me slightly. Maybe you should have a read through and see if you can pick them out and change them, to make the story flow better.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

This story really has potential, it just needs a bit of work. Do you travel yourself? You seem to have a lot of travel knowledge!

Keep writing!
Holly





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of ocean thoughts  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello fighting my reflection *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece ocean thoughts

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

It sounds like the protagonist is seriously reflecting on a past love. It is clear this meant a lot, and the relationship appears to have been a long bumpy ride. I myself can associate, and you've portrayed feelings very well.

*MushroomR* Punctuation

I realise this is prose and does not necessarily need punctuation, however you've used full stops in some places and in others have not. I can see in the last line that the full stops are necessary, alerting the reader to the importance of each word, but maybe you should rethink the others, or add them at the end of every sentence for consistency.

*MushroomR* Grammar

The sentence starting with 'Closing my eyes...' is quite long and in the middle the join of the two clauses doesn't make sense to me. Maybe you should consider splitting the sentence up or rewording the 'than watching them'.

*MushroomR* Structure

I enjoyed the second section of your prose, where you associate specific beach experiences to past experiences with the love. The particular links you use are clever and make sense, like the sun being bright infers a special, bright smile. And the association between sand and touch; sand can be so soft but also incredibly rough. This imagery I found delightful.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

A nice, reflective poem with some beautiful uses of imagery, well done.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello Molly Volpe *Smile*

My name is Holly, and below is my review of your piece A Girl With A Heart

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

I really like your choice of words; finding words that relate to your theme of pain, that also rhyme, must have been quite tricky. The words such as 'cold' and 'steel' really reflect the characters pain and allow the reader to share the experience.

*MushroomR* Line structure

Forgive me if I am wrong here, as I am not very educated on poetic techniques and such, but in your second stanza your 1st, 2nd and 5th lines rhyme, but in your other stanzas the same pattern isn't followed. Is there a reason for this?

*MushroomR* Characters

I think each stanza describes different characters, who from the outside appear different, but on the inside are the same in that they all experience pain.

*MushroomR* Things I love

I love that each first line is almost identical (and also the title of the poem). It reflects the unison of the theme that everyone experiences pain, and also from an structural viewpoint keeps the poem flowing and makes it look neat and tidy. (I'm a neat freak so this is very pleasing).

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

An emotive poem that really makes the reader think. Very well written, thank you for sharing Molly!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello AME *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece A Sky Full of Stars

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, and my suggestions are lilac.

*MushroomR* Gut Reaction

This is a short but sweet piece. As well as a beautiful description of the want, and then witnessing, of the night sky by the protagonist, you've added depth and mystery by including her thoughts.

*MushroomR* Grammar and Sentence Structure

I think it would be useful for you to try and develop your sentence structure. Some of your sentences are quite long, and are quite hard for the reader to concentrate on. For example, your second sentence has a lot of clauses and I'm not entirely sure it makes sense by the time I reach the end. Perhaps consider breaking it down. I understand you're listing, and I think it is very important to the storyline and helps the reader to empathise with the protagonist, but maybe consider breaking it down.

Additionally, there are a few sentences that could be improved gramatically.
An example is: When she got past a hectic day of work. you could perhaps phrase this sentence more elegantly, something like When she made it through a hectic day of work.

Also, stare at a sky that was filled with no empty spaces left could be changed to stare at a sky filled, with no empty spaces. Just by cutting out a few words the sentence meaning becomes clearer to the author.

You could try reading your work out loud, listening for the gaps to add commas and deciding when to end your sentences if you are getting breathless. It will help to keep the reader immersed in the story.

*MushroomR* Plot

Despite the story's length, there is a clear plot. A lady has long wished to see the whole night sky, now she is finally experiencing it's beauty, and using the time to reflect on a past love.

*MushroomR* Writer's Voice

You have used both sight and sound successfully, painting a lovely picture of the beach. You might consider introducing further senses, perhaps smell or touch, to add to the reader's experience.

*MushroomR* Things I love

I like the sense of mystery you've added, making the reader wonder what actually happened to the lady, who is the guy she's thinking about, what is her story? I also like that you haven't mentioned her name. Because the story is so short, it's not necessary. It also helps the reader to place themselves in her shoes.

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

My favourite line is the last, 'the stars continued to shine, illuminating the vast, dark sky.'

In summary, a good, thought provoking piece. As someone who loves sitting on the beach reflecting, I can really identify with the protagonist.

Keep writing!
Holly




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Avrak & Eve  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


Hello Joshua McLean *Smile*

Below is my review of your piece Avrak & Eve, I doubt you can even remember requesting a review from me last year, but as promised, here it is!

Please bear in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

*MushroomR* Typo's

I've only spotted a few things that didn't quite make sense - I thought I'd highlight them.

'a shortlist of crimes for which he'd served crimes' - 'served crimes'? Did you mean this? I don't really know what you could have meant instead, but for me how it is at the moment just doesn't make sense.

'Her opponent's was hidden beneath metal.' I don't think the plural is needed - at least how I read it, it's not. If you did intend it, then perhaps the following sentence needs rearranging.

*MushroomR* Plot

Intriguing. It's exactly as you stated in the introduction, and the story ties up nicely at the end. It is almost like a chapter or exert of a longer novel, the characters are so thoroughly thought out along with all the little kinks from this new world you've created. There aren't too many characters too keep track of, so the short story doesn't get complicated. It's easy to follow and a great read.

What do you mean by 'Maybe Eve had turned' What does turned mean? Do you mean she's an enforcer but maybe now she's an ex-enforcer? I'm sorry if you've got this all sorted in your head but something about it just doesn't make sense in mine haha.

'Two ex-enforcers' - are you referring to Eve and Bargus? as they both have sashes which I assume denotes an enforcer, with the colour determining their rank. So what makes an ex-enforcer? and why can they keep their sashes?

*MushroomR* World

This is an incredible world (or at least city) you've created here - it's obvious you've thought out all the little details. I haven't looked at the rest of your portfolio, but I'm presuming this is a short story and that you haven't used Tûl again, and if I'm correct this is such a shame! I definitely think Tûl could host a full novel and I think you should have another think about it *Smile*

Whilst it's clear you've thought out the social hierarchy (for want of a better term), details of inhabitants and general day to day life, you don't include unnecessary details of Tûl which is commendable as although I'm sure they're interesting, with a short story like this such details would bog it down.

*MushroomR* Characters

Although the reader doesn't have very long to get to know Avrak, his gut reactions around Eve make him a relatable character to us, something which obviously the more developed monsters do not share. This itself is intriguing, and hints that the longer you're in the city, the more you change:

Avrak's pointed ears twitched. Lucky for him, they were his only curse from years in the city.

Although we learn less of Eve, I like how you've portrayed her with fighting spirit - it makes her an interesting character and it's a shame as I would have liked to have gotten to know her better. I didn't predict the ending!

*MushroomR* Final thoughts

I love the writer's voice in this piece. Sentence structure is varied and keeps the reader intrigued. The action is written perfectly, and draws the reader in despite the past tense. There's no spelling or grammatical errors to detract from the story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and as I said earlier, I really think you should consider writing a longer piece!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hello Jordan Elliot *Smile*

Below is my review of your story Jack's Job, Kyle's Career

Please bare in mind that these are only suggestions on how I myself would edit it, if it were mine. It's your choice whether you decide to take my comments on board or not. Direct quotes from your piece are light blue, my suggestions are lilac, and anything that isn't needed is in red and crossed out.

Gut Reaction

This is a great story; really comical at times. You're a talented writer; your descriptions are subtle but at the same time detailed and you use some great imagery, and your dialogue is natural and realistic.

Grammar and Sentence Structure

There were a few sentences that didn't quite make sense that I picked up on, and you have a tendency to over punctuate with commas.

'Though, it did not stop Jack...' This sentence doesn't quite make sense following on from the previous sentence. I can see what you're trying to say, but it's a little awkward. Perhaps instead of 'Though' you could try 'Despite this, Jack still tried to shake him...' or 'This was but a minor detail though, and did not stop Jack...'

'...believe that the cold that had numbed...'

'Which, did not seem strange, because, in truth, they were the same room' - Here's an example of a sentence with one too many commas. If in doubt, you could always read the sentence out loud to see where there is a natural pause.

'He had remembered Kyle'

'Crystal took one look at her brother as he returned' - This does make sense, and I realise I'm being picky, but maybe 'Crystal watched as her brother returned...' would flow a little more easily.

'It would not have been be much longer now' - I'm not sure about this but the tense didn't seem to fit, so give it another look over and see what you think yourself *Smile*

'When we went to the backroom'

Mechanics

I like how you've started and ended the story with the mention of Jack's employee of the month picture - it makes the story really well-rounded.

'Kyle’s palm slapped his thighs after he pointed to each of them in turn' - I'm not familiar with the action that you mean, do people do this in movies too?

As we near the middle of the story, it seems that Jack is learning. The people he's thought of as, worthless? for want of a better word, live a stress-free life, while Jack spends his time worrying about what other's think of him. It also seems that Jack is beginning to warm to Kyle - chatting with him and sharing his finance worries. Then he takes a huge step and approaches someone he knows, which is amazing.

But then, I presume, he lies about his business going well. And when Kyle comes in and messes everything up like only Kyle can, Jack just freaks out.

It's such a shame that Jack seems to have reverted back to his old self by the end of the story. I hope he does become a better person and doesn't go back to being prejudice just because of one set back! But I'm glad he quit his job - it did seem to be causing him a lot of grief. Which I guess was the main plot of the story *Laugh*

Characters

Your character descriptions in general are really informative; they painted a clear picture in the reader's mind.

My favourite character description is Kyle. The detail you go into at the beginning, especially this sentence 'His hair was unkempt, uncut, and uncared for' using the rule of three, is brilliant. You leave no-doubt in the readers mind that Kyle is rather dim-witted, nor that Jack really dislikes his work colleague.

It's also obvious that Jack is a bit mean, a bit crafty in the way he manipulates poor Kyle. But it's completely understandable, I'm just a soft-hearted fool *Laugh*. It's clear Jack has put up with Kyle for long enough that he's now run out of tolerance, adding humour to the story.

General Comments

I'm not a fan of the sly digs and side comments that Jack makes about the lack of money in the trailer park; coming from a family that is teetering on the edge themselves, I feel like it's a bit judgmental of Jack. Especially as towards the end of the story he is considering moving to the trailer park himself.

I really like the title of this story; it's clever.

'And at least one of his shoe laces always needed tying' - this is such an odd observation to make it made me giggle. It makes your story more true to life, because when you work with someone for a long time you do notice really random, strange things about them.

The detail you go into about Jack plotting to stab Kyle is brilliant - very humourous. I also love Jack experimenting with the untucked shirt - not needed for the main storyline but a tiny detail that shows you've put care into your story telling, and also gives the reader more insight into Jack's mind.

Overall, a good story that I really enjoyed reading*Smile*


Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.0)


Hello meganleean *Smile*

Below is my review of your article young teens having stress.

Gut Reaction

This is a very good idea for an article - far too many teens are stressed out and reading this would definitely help them.

Grammar and Spelling

There are quite a few mistakes with grammar and spelling throughout the article, but don't get disheartened! You were clearly just thinking about it all and wanted to get it written down as fast as possible *Smile*

Here are some examples of what I mean:

'also have are our social life' - you repeat this mistake quite a lot throughout the piece.

'extracurricular actives activities'

'An And time taken away' - Although technically it's not grammatically correct to start a sentence with 'And'

'be caused my by your past'

'You should also had have'

Mechanics

This is probably the biggest thing that you need to work on.

Throughout the piece, you change the point of view of the writer. In some sentences, you use 'you' and 'your' as if you are talking to a teen, then use 'I' when explaining some things, but in other sentences you use 'we' and 'us' as if you are talking to parents of a teen. This in itself isn't a bad thing, because your article is probably aimed at both. But you should try and separate this so that it's clearer who you're addressing in each paragraph.

I would suggest that you stick to one or the other. Decide whether you want to talk about your own personal experiences of stress, or more general causes of stress in teens. Perhaps your own personal stress would be slightly easier to talk about, and make more sense, as you've used a 'rating of stress' chart which reflects your own personal experiences of stress.

You may also want to have a closer look at your sentence structures; sometimes punctuation or some sort of linking word is needed, such as with the sentence 'let me know what you thought I worked hard.' This could be changed to 'thought because I worked hard.', '...thought as I worked hard.' or '...thought; I worked hard.'

General Comments

You've clearly formed some sort of structure - with stress causes at the top and ways to relieve stress at the bottom which is good.

And like I said at the beginning - the actual topic of the article is very helpful indeed. The content within it is very well thought out; you've clearly covered a lot of reasons for stress and give some very helpful tips at getting rid of stress - so well done!

I'm sorry that a lot of this is quite negative, but I hope it's helpful to you and I hope you keep writing advice articles because you have all the basics there you just need to work on the technicalities a little more *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Time Away  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello Thaddeus Buxton Winthrop *Smile*

Below is my review of your poem Time Away

Gut Reaction

This is a really good idea for a poem with some solid advice for teenagers.

Rhythm and Rhyme

It's a shame that the first three syllables in some of the lines don't match up - the second stanza is perfect but the others could do with a little jiggling to kept up the pattern - this will help with the rhythm because at the moment, even though the syllables match up, it still feels a little disjointed.

Other than that, the rhymes are spot on *Smile*

Mechanics

The rest of the lines in each stanza relate loosely too each other - but the very last line - 'Make sure to have paper and pens.' - seems like it doesn't fit. I'm not entirely sure this is a strong piece of advice like some of your other lines!

I'm also a little unsure of what you're saying with 'Stay away from lightly dressed chicks.'

General Comments

A short but sweet poem with good structure. With a little work and perhaps a bit of re-wording it could be even better!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is pretty cool. I like that you're using different types of communication, although the break between the letter and then the chat with her friends was hard to distinguish - at first I thought she wrote the whole conversation down for her brother.
It's never explained why she's writing him a letter when she doesn't know where he is - I'm presuming she's not intending on sending it?
But other than that, it's a great first chapter. I like that you slowly gave away clues as to why her brother was in prison, and the bit at the end is now making me think maybe he didn't even do it! You've definitely got me hooked *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
11
11
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece A sunset to remember

Gut Reaction
This is a sweet little story.

Mechanics
At times I felt like the dialogue was a little stiff, it didn't always flow naturally.
I also would have liked to have witnessed more attraction between Liana and Aiden.
A more detailed description of the sunset, seems as it's one of the main things in the story, would have been nice.

General Comments
This story is good - the plot is great. It just needs a little more work to really make it shine and stand out.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)


Hello Zena *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece FAERY - Into the Nevernever

Gut Reaction
This is a great opening piece to your novel. The fast paced action drew me in immediately.

Grammar and Spelling
Overall, there were barely any grammar mistakes, I just have a few things that I noticed.
Your fourth sentence starts with 'And' - technically sentences aren't meant to start with 'and', so it made it sound a little disjointed. I think the sentence would work on it's own if you just removed the 'and'.
'Unscathed' is one word.
Also, the phrase 'A high pitch, evil laughter' doesn't sound quite right. If you see what I mean, you either need to get rid of the 'a' at the beginning of the sentence, or change 'laughter' to 'laugh'.

General Comments
The text is well presented - I like the 'blurb' bit at the start! I also love that you haven't bothered to explain things in detail. This has two benefits; you've kept the reader guessing, not really knowing anything about this world they've suddenly been transported to, and the lack of specific details also helps to keep up the fast paced action of the chase. Over all, it's really well written *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Jacob's Ladder  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hello K.A. Franks *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Jacob's Ladder

Gut Reaction
I wasn't really sure where this piece was going at first, but as I carried on reading it soon had me gripped - I hope there's more to read!

Mechanics
The beginning confused me - the way you write makes it sound like only minutes have passed, when in fact over the first four paragraphs two hours have passed - you may want to make this a little clearer to your readers.
Do answering machines kick in after only the second ring?
There are a few typos - missing full stops and such, but nothing you wouldn't spot if you read through.

General Comments
I looove the deodorant borrowing scene - it's totally something my brother would do. It's really well written, with all the details *Laugh*
You have a real knack for dialogue - all the way through it flows easily and is really believable, great job.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)


Hello hopeful_dreamer *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Destiny: Chapter One

Gut Reaction
Interesting first chapter. It's off to a bit of a slow start and didn't grab my attention immediately, but you've slowly introduced things that I guess are going to be re-visited in later chapters, leaving the reader guessing, so good job with that.

Grammar and Spelling
You state that Mr Smith chuckles twice in two sentences that follow each other - you may want to look up a different word to replace one of them in a thesaurus.
I've noticed Rose does a lot of screaming - perhaps, again, you could find some alternative words to use. At the moment it seems she has a very short temper and gets angry a lot with all this screaming!
No grammar or spelling mistakes jumped out at me, but there were a few sentences that seemed a little awkward. I'm sure a re-read over will be able to pick them!

General Comments
This story has promise; with a bit of work it could be really good! And I'm still wondering what Rose's secret is - you've given us no clues so far!

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of The Sixteenth Day  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well I wasn't expecting that to happen!This is such a sad story, poor Tariq.

Reading through I noticed a few typos and a few sentences that didn't quite make sense - if you read back over it you should be able to pick them up.

I can't ever imagine living like this, it would be awful. Good story telling; I was imagining she'd been in an accident of sorts, but I never guessed the accident happened five years ago! You've made both Tariq and the Doctor's emotions come through really well, great job *Smile*

Keep writing,
Holly
16
16
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)


Hello Mona *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece I Hate That I Love You

Gut Reaction
This is a really powerful poem that hit home with me. It stirred up lots of emotions!

Style
The structure is generally four line stanzas with the second and fourth line rhyming - I really like this style of poetry. But the sixth and seventh divulge from this pattern slightly - it would be good if you could match these up too.
The rhythm, especially at the start of the poem, is generally great. To make sure it's completely polished, I would suggest trying to match up the beats/syllables of each line, but I do understand that it's easier said than done!

General Comments
A great poem that a lot of people can relate to - I especially love the repetition of 'I hate the way' at the beginning of most of the stanzas - it really adds to the style.

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Puppy Love  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (3.5)


Hello JasonM *Smile*
Below is my review of your piece Puppy Love

Gut Reaction
I think your take on puppy love is extremely accurate. I did it too - thought I'd fallen in love with people I'd only just met. It's silly now, looking back and realising I actually knew nothing about the boy so how could I have thought it was love? If only things were that simple! *Laugh*

Form
Your poem doesn't have one solid structure; the number of lines in each stanza does vary. If you wanted to make it more uniformed you could work on this.
Nearly every two lines rhyme, but I did notice at least one pair that didn't - 'quick' and 'again' - you may want to see if you can re-work this pair into rhyming as it seems a shame to spoil the pattern!
In a lot of places the rhythm of the poem flows really nicely - if you wanted to make it more uniformed you could always try and sharpen this up by making the syllables of each line match up, but that's only a suggestion.

General Comments
A good poem, a sweet story that most people can identify with *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Change Me  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This last verse is very powerful. I haven't come across a song on here before - do you have a tune and music in your head for it? Or did you write it as you would a poem? Either way, it's really good.

The topic is one that a lot of people can relate to - it reminded me of a song called 'scar' by Missy Higgins. Although at first glance the lyrics are simply about appearance, it's like there's a deeper meaning behind them, so could reflect how in relationships people not only try and change their other half's appearance, but also who they are inside as well.

As for structure, I love that the last chorus is changed slightly, which fits in with the story-telling lyrics. In my head, I imagine the last verse sort of striped bare, without much music in the background.

I'm glad there's a happy ending, and that the person comes out stronger, realising they were a fool to fall for someone who didn't like them for who they really were.

Keep writing,
Holly

p.s. Welcome to Writing.com! Hope you're enjoying your time here *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Lady H
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is really good! It's so unusual I don't even know what to call it really, but I can't wait to read more! I love the detail you've gone into when describing each item, and the tests - it's so realistic.

Do you have bigger plans for these research logs? *Smile*

Keep writing,
Holly
20
20
Review by Lady H
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a really unique idea - it pulled me in from the very beginning.

I found a few typos:
'Defence against Against Prarnormal Paranormal entities Entities' - Capitalisation all the way through will make the title seem more real life.
'will me be made public'
'research into various these artifacts or living subjects'
'ID and Nicknname nickname'
'symbol as seem seen above'
Nothing a read through yourself wouldn't fix! Maybe just give it a quick check before posting next time as it distracted me a bit from the actual contents of the letter.

I'd definitely be interested in reading more - it's very interesting so far!

Keep writing,
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of The Quake  
Review by Lady H
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a great story setting, and it's really realistic too! I can definitely see something like this happening in our future. And the answer to the question - 'because I could' - it is just the attitude of people today. It's awful.
I might actually use this idea in one of my stories sometime *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
22
22
Review of My Enemy  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What could be terrible enough to happen to someone to make them feel this much pain?
This is a very powerful piece of prose. I really like the structure and the repetition of 'everything' in the fourth stanza. It's short and to the point - I can really see someone standing on a stage and performing it.

Keep writing,
Holly
23
23
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Another brilliant chapter *Smile*

I just picked up a few typos:
'But she was told that marring marrying Maurice'
'How has he managed to remain so handsome after all these years.' - Needs a question mark instead of a full stop.
'his father’s tower for three day days.'
'like he had done ever many times before.'
'he really does did love the children' - there are a few more tense slips like this but I'm not an expert so I don't know if they work or not.

I'm really interested to see where this is going, you have a really interesting story telling voice - I'm hooked!

Keep writing *Smile*
Holly
24
24
Review of Pillow Fight  
Review by Lady H
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hahaha this is really good! The last bit made me laugh *Smile* And for what it's worth, I get where Rachael is coming from in the first section of the story. If there was a situation like this in real life it would be truly heartbreaking! It's very clever how you've conveyed this to the reader in only speech. Doug is being very mean at the end saying that Rach's work is corny - I like it! haha *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly
25
25
Review by Lady H
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This story has great potential! It drew me in straight away and there are already so many questions flitting about my mind that I want answered! You need to post more!

However, you need to be more careful with your tenses; they keep getting muddled up. Hopefully if you read through this is something that you can spot easily and rectify.

I also noticed at the beginning your sentences were a little stiff - a lot of them began with 'the' and 'he' - especially when you were describing things, so you may want to take a look and try and make it a more interesting read.

I think you should definitely read through it again yourself, as there are a few grammatical errors - and near the end you have both the king and Tolus speaking in the same paragraph which is a little confusing.

I would suggest that you leave an empty line between each of your paragraphs, so that it's easier for the reader to keep focused, and this should also improve the over all presentation *Smile*

I love this King's sarcastic rant about the good news, especially the line 'Or maybe someone finally conquered the fucking Tibur Island and killed all the damned pirates?”' - it really made me laugh!

'what is more terrifying than a man who manages to grows stronger every time he fails?'is a very thought provoking statement, I really like it!

Over all, with some improvements this could be a great piece. You have a very descriptive story style, and especially nearer the end you really got into your stride and the words seemed to flow a lot more smoothly.

As far as the plot goes, it's flawless in my opinion! I can't wait to read more *Smile*

Keep writing!
Holly


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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