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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hikerangel
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43 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Date Night  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
First of all, I love the characters. You've thought through their hopes and aspirations, and they are novel and interesting. I enjoyed who they are immensely.

The actually story starts off well, but then it seems to go into a bout of "telling" rather than showing. For the third paragraph, it works. It gives some good background on the characters and how they arrived at this point. For paragraphs 4, 5, and 6, you may want to turn this information into dialog during the date scene, so that you can show how the characters feel about it as the information is revealed.

For example, paragraph 4 is currently:

Braille wanted to become a teacher for blind students and teach how to read Braille. Ever since she started high school she started studying the alphabet and numbers and taught herself on how to read with her fingers. She can't wait for classes to start soon. Her red hair, green eyes, and dark skin thrives in the sunlight.


If you turned that paragraph into dialog, it might read something like:

"I was thinking we could talk more about you..." Gail said, a twinkle in his eye.

Braille blushed, though it was clear from her pleased smile that she enjoyed the attention.

"Well, let's see. Well, you already know what I do, and how I'm about to begin teaching braille at the Hogwarts School for the Blind..." Her eyes, avoiding his while she spoke, flicked up to his as she finished, finding him entranced. Whether it was by her words or her viridian eyes, framed by long, ginger tresses, she didn't know. Regardless, she felt her shoulders lower slightly as some of the tension left them, relaxing in the knowledge that he seemed so taken with her, at least for the moment.


If you convert some of those middle paragraphs into dialog, I think it might help you flesh things out quite a bit more, emotion-wise. I think that it might also mesh a bit better with the dialog in the beginning and the end as well.

Just a suggestion, anyway. I love your characters, though, and look forward to reading more about them in the classes to come! :)
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Review of Raven Speak  
for entry "The Conflagration
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow! This one is truly powerful. A brilliant piece of poetry, Hullabaloo...
3
3
Review of Whisper  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: E | (5.0)
A 55-word story, eh? Not so easy, though you made it work so incredibly nicely. You even managed a beautifully orchestrated twist ending. Truly amazing work! Loved it! :)
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4
Review of Arrivals  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a great idea to set the story at an airport! A perfect place for body language. I love the climactic scene too:

"She was dressed casually and was clearly nervous; she chewed at her bottom lip as she looked around. Her eyes met his and there was a spark of hope, then a realization. They walked slowly towards each other, but as they got nearer their pace quickened. She dropped her bag to the ground and opened her arms towards him, and his own arms enveloped her in a hug."

So perfect! Even that paragraph builds suspense and has perfect pacing. Then, the big payoff. It's a fulfilling story in a single paragraph. You're so great with creating elegance with word economy. I always abuse adjectives... but I'm working on that! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Really well done! Great choice to open and clothes with the name jokes. And paint pictures with the clothes (or lack thereof). This is a really thoughtful, clever way to pull off this kind of story. LOVED it! :)
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6
Review of Work of ages.  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this one. It’s so simple but so vivid and polished—really effective at making its point with great sensory imagery. Loved it!
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7
Review of In The Cards  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice twist in this one! I wish I'd thought of that... :)
8
8
Review of Me and Marnie  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Oooo--nice story! Really enjoyed this one. Bonus points for using the word: "codswollop." :)
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9
Review of Damage  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the dialog in this one! A great way to make the prompt work too... :)
10
10
Review of Those Misty Eyes  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A wonderful bit of misdirection and a double twist in the end. I love your minimalist style on this one too. It just paints the canvas with everything you need and let’s the imagination fill the spaces between... :)
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11
Review of Birds in the Nest  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: E | (4.5)
Love the bird metaphor in this one! Your poetry never disappoints... :)
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12
Review of Chainsaws  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love the idea of the mundane day that suddenly turns horrifying. I’ve attempted to do it a couple of times, but it never turns out well. You seem to pull it off with ease. I really liked this one. Nice work! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Forest Sunset  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is truly excellent. The imagery is so vivid and active. This is my favorite of all the entries on My Word this week. :)
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14
Review of L'aura del Campo  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Nice job! I love the juxtaposition of baking and war, the gradual transition of the poem from peace to violence. Really interesting work...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
What a great story! Wonderfully creative on the McGuffin to initiate the transformation, likeable, well-defined characters, and a great teaser ending! I think this is my favorite, so far, of your stories. It’s extremely well-written. Nice work!!!
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16
Review of Wrecking Ball.  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hullabaloo, you are such a gifted writer. I don't know how you do it! I can come up with ideas, but my execution is always... lacking. Both your prose and poetry have this simple elegance, a feel both raw and polished. Your style is something I aspire to someday approach...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of The Last Waltz  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A nice twist in this little tale! I love your style--it's subtle and lyrical. You make a club seem practically elegant! I hope that you keep at the contest. It's a fun group of people who regularly participate...

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18
Review of Taking a Break  
Review by HikerAngel
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really got a kick out of this one! Thank you for sharing it. It was fun to read!
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