First of all, I love the characters. You've thought through their hopes and aspirations, and they are novel and interesting. I enjoyed who they are immensely.
The actually story starts off well, but then it seems to go into a bout of "telling" rather than showing. For the third paragraph, it works. It gives some good background on the characters and how they arrived at this point. For paragraphs 4, 5, and 6, you may want to turn this information into dialog during the date scene, so that you can show how the characters feel about it as the information is revealed.
For example, paragraph 4 is currently:
Braille wanted to become a teacher for blind students and teach how to read Braille. Ever since she started high school she started studying the alphabet and numbers and taught herself on how to read with her fingers. She can't wait for classes to start soon. Her red hair, green eyes, and dark skin thrives in the sunlight.
If you turned that paragraph into dialog, it might read something like:
"I was thinking we could talk more about you..." Gail said, a twinkle in his eye.
Braille blushed, though it was clear from her pleased smile that she enjoyed the attention.
"Well, let's see. Well, you already know what I do, and how I'm about to begin teaching braille at the Hogwarts School for the Blind..." Her eyes, avoiding his while she spoke, flicked up to his as she finished, finding him entranced. Whether it was by her words or her viridian eyes, framed by long, ginger tresses, she didn't know. Regardless, she felt her shoulders lower slightly as some of the tension left them, relaxing in the knowledge that he seemed so taken with her, at least for the moment.
If you convert some of those middle paragraphs into dialog, I think it might help you flesh things out quite a bit more, emotion-wise. I think that it might also mesh a bit better with the dialog in the beginning and the end as well.
Just a suggestion, anyway. I love your characters, though, and look forward to reading more about them in the classes to come! :) |
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