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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hiluhriehope
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32 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be encouraging and friendly. I will never tear down your work, but I will not lie to you, either. Generally, I prefer to ask guiding questions of the writer, if I think an area needs improvement, rather than tell the writer what to do. I will comment on: My first impressions of the piece, grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc., plot, setting, characters, line by line suggested edits, and overall impression and suggested improvements.
I'm good at...
Grammar, spelling, etc. Characterization Description
Favorite Genres
Urban/Dark/Modern Fantasy, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Action/Adventure, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, Flash fiction, Novels/Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction
I will not review...
Poetry. While I do enjoy reading poetry, I am not a poet and I have no place telling you how to improve your poems. (: Erotica/Adult Anything with a rating above 18+. Again, not that I don't necessarily enjoy reading more adult works, I just am no great shakes at reviewing it.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't review poetry, so I don't have any real feedback for you.
I just wanted to stop by and say that I love this. It's so sweet. :) *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Alex  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: GC | (3.0)
*FairyL*A Review by Hope*FairyR*
Remember, as always, this is just my opinion. You may not agree with me, and
that's fine! This is your work. Keep writing!


*FairyL*Overall Impression/Suggestions*FairyR*


To start with: I think the opening line could be stronger. Maybe start with the beam of light - what it looked like, color, size, how Alex felt looking at it. For example: Alex squinted, her hand shielding her eyes from the thick column of light that beamed down onto the asphalt.

I think that everything in between the opening of the chapter and when she sees the beam of light again is probably unnecessary at this point in the story. It's a whole lot of backstory and it would be better if it was weaved into the fabric of the story over time, maybe through the first and second chapters, instead of all at once.

I noticed a lot of typos and things spelled wrong. A lot of it a word processor should catch if you do a spell check. I believe Writing.com has a spellchecker available when you edit/upload writing.
However, some of the things that were spelled wrong, were only wrong as you were trying to use them, so a spell checker might not catch it. For example, early in the chapter you say 'taught' when you mean 'thought.' I would recommend enlisting the help of a reviewer whose strengths lie in spelling and grammar. There are many of them on Writing.com

Also, when Alex is thinking, you don't need to put quotations around it. In fact, I would highly recommend against it. For one, when there are quotation marks, the reader will think she's talking, instead of thinking.
I would also say not to use italics or thought tags to differentiate her thoughts. If we are in Alex's point of view, we already know that we're reading her thoughts. We are in her head. When you put quotations, or italicize, or add thought tags, you are reminding us that we're in her head and it pulls us away from the story. The best thing to do is to weave her thoughts in.
Example:
"God, I hate having to wake up in the morning" Alex taught. "Is probably one of the worst feelings, am in my bed, chilling having a blast in my dreams and.....BOOM the stupid alarm sounds and am already in a bad mood"
Could be woven into the story (and changed to showing instead of telling) as such:
Alex pulled her blanket up over her ears and squeezed her eyes shut as her bedside alarm rang. No, this dream was too good. She wasn't ready to get up yet. The alarm grew louder until she cracked her eyes open and slammed her hand down on the snooze button.
That could stand to be better also, but you see what I mean.

This leads to my last big piece of advice for this: show, not tell. You're going to hear that a lot. I'm not as much of a stickler about it as some, but I do think you have a lot of wasted opportunities in this chapter to show us what Alex is thinking and feeling. You say things like "her face screamed in fear." A way to show us, instead, that she's afraid, would be to talk about how her hands become clammy, her heart races, she bites her lip, her cheeks flush or her brow beads with sweat. The possibilities are endless. And it creates much stronger, more evocative writing. The reader is more likely to connect with your characters if we don't just see what they're feeling, but also feel what they're feeling.

I would go over this with a fine-tooth comb. Look for areas where you can show instead of tell, remove as many adverbs as possible and replace them with stronger verbs, weave Alex's thoughts into the story, and tighten the prose as much as you can.

Overall, I think you have an intriguing premise and a promising story here. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit. I enjoyed reading it. :)

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Treasure  
Review by Hope's Twis...
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*FairyL*A Review by Hope*FairyR*
Remember, as always, this is just my opinion. You may not agree with me, and
that's fine! This is your work. Keep writing!


*FairyL*Line by Line*FairyR*
Your story in black. My comments in orange. Suggested edits in
purple.


Line By Line


*FairyL*Overall Impression/Suggestions*FairyR*

I would recommend against opening the story with dialogue. I had no idea who was talking and you don't want your readers confused in the first paragraph.
Also, almost every single sentence in this piece ends with an exclamation mark. I would take out most of them. Save them for a line or two where you really want to make it clear that this is a Very Big Deal. When you have so many, especially in such a short piece, after the first few the reader either stops seeing them (and therefore is not reading the sentence the way it should be, which makes the exclamation point worthless anyway) or gets annoyed.
You have a section - noted in the line by line - where I'm not sure if one of the dogs is talking or not. There's no quotation marks around his speech.
Last thing: you use the word 'ladies' quite often and there are a lot of names mentioned that don't belong to anyone who actually shows up in the story. Maybe you could reference these characters (I'm assuming other dogs :) ) by their characteristics briefly. "That one with the bright red hair that lives on the corner? I heard her telling her friend she saw it with her own eyes." Just an example.
Other than those couple of things, I can't think of anything else to comment on. This is a really cute little piece of flash fiction. I think the story itself is great - love that surprise ending!
Well done. :)


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of A Unicorn is Born  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not really a poet, so I won't try to review this. I'll leave that to the experts. (:
But I did want to say how much I loved this. I have to say, just reading the title, I didn't expect to love it, but I was pleasantly surprised. This is so sweet, and just fantastic! Gahh! (:
I'm adding it to my favorites. Thank you so much for such a lovely piece of poetry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of A Wiccan Decision  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I am a Wiccan, although I don't have too much of a problem with this. I grew up in a Christian household and I have all respect for Christian beliefs - I just don't agree with them. :)
But one problem I do have is the last line, "May you not be seduced by the "Wiccan's Rede!" --> What exactly is wrong with the Wiccan Rede? "An it harm none, do what ye will." Translating to: As long as you don't hurt anyone, including yourself, do whatever you want. It's basically the same as the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Just worded a bit differently. I think it would make more sense and be less offensive to some if you changed it to something about not being seduced by magic or spells or false idols - all of those are things that the Christian God expressly forbids. However, I don't know of anywhere in the Bible that he forbids being good to people.

While I don't agree with your poem, I think it was cute:) And I understand that part of the Christian faith and the law laid down by God is to tell the people of his Word, so I'm okay with this poem. I would think that many Wiccans aren't okay with it because Wicca doesn't believe in proselytizing.
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Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Lovely:) Although I do write a lot of poetry, I don't know anything about the mechanics of it and it is not my strong point. So I don't have a lot of constructive criticism for you, just encouragement. I really enjoyed reading this. I liked that it hints at the alcohol problem with the dad, but it doesn't go into gruesome details and stays true to the innocence of the child.
I also like in the second line, "Tired smile replies . . ." I thought that was a powerful, yet simple, description.
My favorite line in the whole poem has got to be the ending line. "But, Mommy, walking on eggshells is not for you and me." It says so much about the boy and his mom and their relationship in just a few short words.
Good job:)
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