I really liked the imagery that your poem gave. Of course, I personally like to cook and bake - so that might be part of what drew me in to begin with. But it also had a voice of angst and tension. It reminded me of some of the reality cooking contests that I have become addicted to watching. An opening if you will of the mind of one of the competitors. It was thrilling, for a short ride.
I also enjoyed the beat of poem. It was lifting and then would halt, and then lift you again. It was a fun little ride. The rhyming was creative. I especially thought the word choice was good in that id created a texture to your poem. Almost to the point that you were able to not just see your meaning in the mind's eye, but that you were able to feel it, taste it, and smell it! Especially when you wrote about the “Two of us shopping for butter and oats, “(taste the butter and oats)
“One picking strawberries out of the garden, “(smell the earth of the garden)
… “Only to realize her berries have mold.” (Smell the mold)
… “Jessie’s crumble is runny - needs cornstarch, “ (feel the liquid)
“Not honey!” (Taste the sweetness)
And then the emotional release of tension at the end... with the letdown that you were late.
The emotion that you are able to put into your pieces – not matter how short that it was. Was truly a talent! I cannot wait to read some more of your work.
Thank you for sharing, and congratulations on your win!!
This is just my humble opinion, so take from it what you will.
Although this was a short piece, I enjoyed the imagery that it created in my mind. The colors and textures that it conjured up, left me awestruck and the complete gore of it all. I completely agree, that the massacre of God's creation for the "betterment" of industrialization can be over done. Especially when these "improvements" are either built and left empty - or will be empty and run down eventually anyway. It's all sad.
But, your written piece is not sad. It was brilliant writing.
I can feel the anguish in this piece. And how much it applies to today's day and age with the "re-opening" of states currently happening around our country.
When I was in school, and learning to write poetry, I had a wonderful teacher. This teacher was one of those that looked like an old professor. She was short, stout, and wore those wire rimmed glasses, on top of a pointy little nose. But, she was the best when it came to writing and literature. But my point is - she would take time every day to read us a little poetry. And after every piece, she would have use clap out the "beat of the song" of that poem.
Yours had a great "beat of the song" at the beginning, but then got muddled in the middle, and then ended again with that same beat. Somewhere in the second and fifth stanza.
But, it was still incredible in the imagery, and the storyline was very relatable. I know that I have been in that situation before myself.
I can't wait to see some of your writing on this topic! Keep it coming.
I think that this is a subject that can be expounded on. And something that I think, even in today's view of tolerance, continues to be quieted. I would love to see your writings on this topic. I think that there needs to be a good writer on a genre of this for young adults especially.
It sounds like a very captivating and engaging story line. I would definitely pick it up and give it read. Although it is a little confusing about how or why this society is like this, and how they can morph from whole to another group. But, I really enjoyed seeing where you where going with the storyline! I would love to see how Amira and her council are taken down.
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