*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/howellbard3/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
Review Requests: OFF
667 Public Reviews Given
675 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 5 6 7 8 -9- 10 11 12 ... Next
201
201
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

This is both light and serious making for a pleasant read. I love the last two lines, which sum up the entire piece.

Only one line breaks rhythm, the second line of the second stanza.

I enjoyed this clever little ditty.

Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth
202
202
Review of Michael Jackson  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

Simply and sympathetically stated, this has an objective quality quite like an obituary. Looking at the prompt, this seems very appropriate.

I don't know if this is a dialect issue, but in the first line of the last stanza, from a US dialect perspective, I would reverse "never" and "did" as this is the common usage here.

Although the rhythm reads smoothly, this has a conversational or journalistic quality more than a lyrical quality. Since he was a pop musician, I think something more rhythmic would be very appropriate.

All in all, this is well written and an excellent response to the prompt.
203
203
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

I am very grateful to read your perspective. I agree with your interpretation of most things mentioned.

As for the writing, it is clearly not a formal article or essay, and not as well written as other things I have read of yours. I assume your priority was communicating content and you were not as focused on quality of writing. Of course there is also the issue of dialect: "Pretty little" is something we would not write in the US.

So, it is hard to critique. If have misread or misunderstood your purpose in this piece, please let me know and I will read with an eye more focused on the writing than the content.

Thanks for sharing.
Elizabeth
204
204
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

Thank you for posting this information. We need it if we will ever change our system. Your content is consistent with my experience working in a hospital based mental health facility.

I wish you had included more information about India.

As for the writing, I see no problems.

Thank you for sharing this and participating in an essential dialogue.
Elizabeth
205
205
Review of Dark Spaces  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

This is very close to good. It talks of a universal experience, giving the piece value, and is strengthened by the main observation of the event hanging around continuing to pose a threat.

Your use of language is very good.and you chose a meter that carries the reader forward. The weakness of the piece is inconsistent meter. Each line that has broken rhythm could be easily brought back into the established pattern by dropping a word without affecting the meaning at all.

This is on its way to being very good.
Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth
206
206
Review of A Clown  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

I like this. It is simple, yet tells a story. I like the repetition, but think it might be good to break it slightly once or twice with just a slight difference.

This is the first time I have ever looked at someone's work and immediately thought of something to add. There is, in the small town where I live, a small and rarely visited park with a sign declaring it "Emmet Kelly Park." Perhaps he came from here. I don't know. So, here are my lines:

a sign within my town remembers
a sad faced clown
rarely visted by community members
this sad faced clown

I do not intend for you to use these lines, though it would be ok if you did. I just wanted to share the image your poem triggered in my mind. My feelings about this are long standing. My friend and I weed the flower beds from time to time because they are so neglected.

Thank you for sharing this. It clearly has a lot of meaning for me.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
207
207
Review of The Dragons Creed  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

This is charming and well written. It bears a subtle "moral," that, though sometimes boring, reading helps achieve goals. This is a very importang message.

As for the writing, this is very well done with consistent rhythm and rhyme, and no obvious errors of spelling or punctuation.

My only problem, and a minor one at that is in:
"To hunt amongst the trees in bitter nights,
Blending with the night his scales so sleek."
"night" is repeated. I think this is an easy fix, should you choose to change it.

Thank you for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it, aloud, i might add.
Keep writing,
Elizabeth
208
208
Review of Pride  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Welcome to WDC! I am reviewing as part of the Simply Positive Reviewing Group. Remember, please, that my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

I love your writing - both pieces posted. I can see little to improve. I love the ambiguity of this piece. If ever there was a clear picture of denial, this is it. It also demonstrates the futility of defining our value by other people's responses at any given moment, and the danger of acting from a single impression.

As for the writing, there is a typo in the next to the last sentence. I didn't notice any other problem.

I look at the quotes around the word death in the next to the last line. I am imagining the line without them, with little success. Now that they are there, I can't make them not there. I wonder if I would have seen the same meaning without them.

This is very imaginative and very well done.
Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth
209
209
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I did read it aloud and it was wonderful! It sets a wonderful mood and makes me want to take off my shoes and play in the rain like I did as a child. I like the mindfullness of it, the intense focus with acceptance and not judgement -- no complaint about the rain, no "this is wonderful rain," just description. I especially love the forth stanza.

About the writing: It is not obvious to me why you made the first indent. I can't see how I would think differently about the poem if it was not indented.

Also, your use of punctuation is inconsistent - commas but no periods or caps. This actually didn't bother me very much, but I still suspect it would be better with consistency.

All in all, this is delightful! Thanks for sharing it.

Remember, please, that this is your poem and not mine and my feedback is just one opinion in a world of opinions and yours to consider or ignore at your pleasure.

Elizabeth
210
210
Review of ONE DAY AN ANGEL  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
How lovely to think of yourself this way, to see death in such a positive light.

My favorite lines are:
"One day I’ll be an angel, sitting by my mother.
I’ll know peace and happiness that is unlike any other."
I also especially like the first line. I like these because they read naturally when read aloud. The rhythm rolls right off the tongue.

The problems I see here are mostly rhythm.. There is also a problem with inconsistent tense.

I hope you will continue to revise and turn it into a poem worthy of the images.

Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth
211
211
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a cheerful poem! I had never thought about the tooth fairy as a being who could shape-shift from tooth to Fairy. What a cool image.

As for the writing:
although the rhymes are consistent, there are places where the syntax is a bit distorted or sounds forced. I struggle with that myself. Recently, I Googled Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and read some of his rhymed verse to prove to myself it can be done without that effect. Of course, I'm no Longfellow, but perhaps you will become one. Plug away. You can make this a lot better. A recent past Poet Laurette of the US, Ted Kooser, said it takes him a year to write a poem. I am finding it takes me more than that.

Your poem has wonderful imagination and imagery.
Keep writing.
212
212
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this. It hits a chord with me. It is well written.

My only problem has to do with rabbits wearing glasses being called "sheeple." Why not "bunple" or "rabble." Or, have sheep wearing glasses instead of rabbits?

There is an excellent treatment of this metaphor in the musical "The Fantastics." I think you would enjoy it if you are not already familiar with it. I am glad you have not let your brain become useless with all the stuff you mention in the poem.

Thank you for sharing it.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
213
213
Review of outback  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is wonderful! It is a great metaphor for society, for change in the human condition, for individual growth - well done!

There is a typo in the last stanza.
I can see the posts, worked out of place as drunk, but I cannot see the arrogance. I can see arrogance in the false facade.

In
"Main Street, the front row, your best face, the downtown
suit, we save for church and the guy at the bank."
the comma after suit does not make sense to me. Also, it sounds like you are saying the downtown suit is saved for the man at the bank as well as for church. Is that your intent?

Capitalization and punctuation seem inconsistent to me with caps at the start of the stanza, but none after periods.

Do not misunderstand: I love this and see these as minor issues, but addressing them will improve the presentation.

Thanks for sharing it. This deserves a shameless plug.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
214
214
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
No wonder the speaker has writers' block. He is using two powerful techniques to repress his feelings; drinking alcohol and cutting. This piece presents a very clear and disturbing picture of symptoms of an illness that is much more real and serious than writers' block.

As for the writing, I really like the format as it visually represents the inner conflict. My only reservation is the end. I don't see why he is reaching for another razor blade. It feels as if another look at the page would precede the last line.

This is excellent writing!
Keep it up.
Elizabeth
215
215
Review of Lilac Time  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is lovely! I like how the setting of the sun and the old lilacs lead you up to the fact the lovers are elderly without letting on.

My only problem is with this line:
the couple who rest on bench beneath.
I want to read "on the bench" but "the is not there."

Thanks for sharing this.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
216
216
Review of I'm Lonely  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a clear description of the kind of loneliness that is not coming from outside the person, but is instead from within. The unresolved nature of the poem puts the reader smack down in the middle of the problem.

This is well written, with a consistent rhythm and pattern except the forth verse which has extra syllables and breaks rhythm.

Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
217
217
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent work! Thanks for sharing it!
Elizabeth
218
218
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well done, Interesting ghost story with the symbolic undertail of the intensity and difficulty of abuse and the problems with forgetting.

Writing: I don't see a lot of problems and most are minor.

stanza 1: last line: "were curious with motives." there is no more mention of the motives, either directly or indirectly.

stanza 2. "we were told and urban tale" has rhythm problems. Consider "we'd heard ..."
In ballads, it is traditional to use punctuation. In this case, I think it would enhance
both sound when read aloud, and clarify meaning.

Stanza 3: fine as is.

Stanza 4: You use "down" three times. To emphasize the sense of depth, twice would
work, but three seems a bit too much.

Stanza 5: last line "he knew what he had to do." Consider using "must" instead of
"had to" for the sake of rhythm.

stanza 6: for rhythm, consider reversing order in line two" both kids and" and
replacing " teachers" with staff.

stanza 7: "and smiled all the more" rhythm and meaning are weak. ?...to watch it
roar?

stanza 8, last line: the word "and" seems out of place. ?"with" perhaps?

The rest is very good.

These are minor details that might improve an interesting poem. I hope they are of some use to you, but, remember- these are only suggestions.

Thank you for sharing this. I really enjoyed reading it.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
219
219
Review of What Did She Say?  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Having read this and thought about it, I realized it must have something to it because I want to read it and solve the mystery that is presented and solved. I hear laughing in the words and want to laugh, too. I wonder if my projected meaning is your projected meaning, but I really don't want to know. I have nothing to criticize. Thanks for sharing.
Keep writing.

Elizabeth.
220
220
Review of Broken Band-aid  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can hardly see for the tears in my eyes. I had, and lost someone like that, and then someone else. Every word rings true and good and right. I suppose I could say something about the writing, find something here or there to suggest, but I don't want to. I want it to stay just as it is, just like the speaker wants Poppy to stay the way he is. The metaphor of the band aid is very effective.
Thank you.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
221
221
Review of Sin City  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a gruesome tale!
The tone and mood are carried well by clear detail.
I see no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors.
My only reservation is at the end. It seems to me there would be no time or urge to go out again the same night as his lust would be satisfied for the time being. Besides, there would be a terrible mess to clean up. How would he have time? Also, there is absolutely no hint of reservation rooted in fear of apprehension, or some lingering element of distaste for some part of the situation. People usually have some ambivalence about any activity that is highly stimulating after it is over.
Nevertheless, this is well done!
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
.
222
222
Review of The Red Ribbon  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This seems to discuss the relationship between emotion and spirituality, and the issue of external vs. internal control. It has a mysterious, somewhat mystical tone.

About the writing:
over all, there are pieces of lovely description. Sensory images are used effectively to convey mood. The image of the red ribbon is effective in generating mystery and the overall point of the story.

Problems:
This has a first draft quality, and the writer suggests it is a first draft. As such, it has a number of problems to be resolved. There is a lot of redundancy that makes reading a bit tenuous. By this, I mean, things are repeated unnecessarily generating tedium. I see a number of errors in consistency of quantity and tense.

Examples of changes that might help:
First paragraph:
I would simply drop the first sentence and let the second start the story. I would consider dropping both sentences about her heart and let the strong sensory images convey this information. Let TomasX5 have more of the role of describing her heart.

Paragraph 2: Last 2 sentences are confusing as the references are unclear.

Strengths: There are pieces of wonderful description:
"Beneath Evelyn’s arms the bright steel of the railings was cold and smooth, a single bright sensation in a mass of sepia and grey."
"The ribbon was red. It was even more red than Evelyn had imagined it to be. In the dark sepia landscape of the balcony it shone like a beacon. The nondescript man held one end in his hand, and the other end floated into the depths of the car,"
Last paragraph: writing is concise, and successfully conveys information without weaknesses found in other paragraphs.

This is a good start and has promise.
Keep writing.
Elizabeth
223
223
Review of A Woman's Charm  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
OOOO! Sharp, descriptive, this poem could be used as tick repellant! Which is meant as a compliment to your success at conveying intensity in a few short lines. This has a nursery rhyme quality in that it is rhythmic, and it actually does what it describes - pulls the reader in, then stings.

The images used are quite traditional, as is the form, so it could have been written 200 years ago or today. As a consequence, it also has a quality that seems familiar, like a nursery rhyme. One could say it over and over, jump rope to it, or tap it out while dancing in a circle.

It's only weakness is its strength - such familiar images.

Thank you for sharing this.
Keep writing!
Elizabeth
224
224
Review of My Mother  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am smiling! The ambiguity of this is luscious. The use of a limerick to say something about a relationship that often gets expressed in serious tones tickles my funny bone. It seems to suggest your mother was playful with a good sense of humor. It reminds me of my Irish relatives, who married into the family. They were always the light in the room. (I think I may have mentioned them to you in a previous review.)

Keep writing!
Elizabeth
225
225
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
As you have reviewed a number of mine, it is only right that I reciprocate.

Comparing mathematics to the divine, or, using mathematics to describe the divine is not a new idea. However, in a time when there is a resurgence of questioning if science supports or conflicts with spirituality, it is timely to say it again.

Personally, I like when people think as this poem speaks. I find such people interesting and entertaining, and very safe to be around. This, in my mind, is all excellent.

As for the writing, it is, in general excellent. I would change nothing until the last two lines. (Ending is so often difficult!)
"Geometry is sacred. It's something we should see clear.
Without its universal laws, we wouldn't even be here."

The problem lies in the last part of each sentence. The rhythm breaks, and quality seems reduced. I would suggest something like:
Geometry is sacred as it easily describes
the essence of reality in which we all abide.

Well, that's not so great, is it? The problem is the wording seems not to match the rest of the poem, like your creative juices were running dry by the last two lines, as if they are forced. They just don't live up to the rest of the poem. They aren't terrible, and will do, until you find something better.

I see you have a fan who loves it just as it is. I approach the task of review as an opportunity to fine tune and take something very good to the level of excellent. After you have been so positive about my writing, I feel just the tiniest pang of guilt for seeing something to improve in a very fine poem. I hope the critique is helpful, nevertheless.

Keep writing!
Elizabeth
295 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 12 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/howellbard3/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9