|Hi Ari Lox
My name is Ken - a fellow Paper Doll dragon or dawg - depending on who you listen to. 😂 I found this while scrolling through your port. 😁 It is my pleasure to both read and to provide feedback on your work "Claire de Lune" as a member of and on behalf of "The Rockin' Reviewers" .
✨ First Impression/Thoughts:
So, why did I choose this? Clair de Lune, one of Debussy's finest works, a journey of emotion and intensity. This has been a favorite of mine for a long time now. Of course, it was also the only poem I saw in your port and since poetry is "my thing"... 😄 I think you captured many of the not-so-obvious aspects and found a lyrical and unique way of capturing the more obvious feelings that the moon engenders. Nicely done.
I think your approach to this poem was very creative. I'm not convinced (yet) that the repetition served your ends but I'm open to it. I will reread this several more times before I hit the "Rate" button.
✨ Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words 😁.
🔹 Title - "Claire de Lune." Clair de Lune is French for "light of the moon", or "moonlight". I thought your title was a good fit since I interpreted it as your response to the moon's attraction. 😄 The "teaser" line (a.k.a. description) offers you an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. I was pleased to see that you used it to add some allure to your piece (yes, I do tend to pun now and then 😂). I think since understanding relies on an appreciation of both the music and subject, you could have added a bit more. Overall - Well done.
🔹 Grammar/Wording - You used very descriptive words to build images in the reader's mind. I saw nothing in error. It did, however, feel a bit choppy since you used phrases rather than the flow of natural language. Still, some of your phrasings are beautifully lyrical. It felt like you have captured the dots but not quite connected them yet.
🔹 Form/Flow - This was written in free verse. Its popularity stems from the belief that free verse is poetry without rules; after all, it doesn't rhyme (often 😄), and it doesn't have a meter. However, what separates poetry from prose is the arrangement of carefully chosen words into verses. Free verse done well will have rhythm, though it may not have a regular beat. There may be patterns of sound and repetition. Free verse can be compared to a song that doesn't rhyme. There is still a lyric quality to it. As Robert Frost said, "Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words." I could see the poetry in this. Well done.
✨ Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:
A very enjoyable and emotionally satisfying read, one that will resonate with many readers. Thank you for sharing your journey of emotion, imagination, and talent with me today.
Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.
Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,
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