|Hello 💙 Carly - BLUE!!💙! I'm reviewing your piece for "I Write in 2020" [E]
I was going to check out the workshop to see if there was a certain assignment for your piece, but both links are to your writing? So that was a little confusing. But on to your piece!
Are you writing this for a novel? If you are, good for you! You look like you have an excellent storyline your working out. I wish you a lot of luck with it!
Title and Description -Your title for this section of your piece fits perfectly. That's exactly what both of your characters decided to do. Young love is so fresh. Everything is still fairly new to young adults. Your description does an excellent job describing the dilemma your characters will be facing. Nice job.
Characters - Both of your characters are starting to become established and known to the reader. I do wish I had a bit more information about how far into the story this piece is. I feel like it's at the beginning stages. If this was a short story, I'd want to get to know the characters a bit more. But since this is part of a larger work, then I know we'll get to know them in stages. I feel like we start to genuinely feel the passion and emotion coming from both of them as the story gets rolling, It picks up the pace quite nicely about halfway through and carries it on toward the end.
Setting - I don't really remember a lot about the setting. So it didn't stick in my mind. You may wish to work on their surroundings a bit more; Make it more tangible to the reader. You did a great job on the scene where he is walking through her house and noticing the things she had around her, that helped him get a feel for her emotional attachment.
What I like about your piece - I enjoyed the connection between the two. I think you're doing a fabulous job starting the emotions off slowly and with caution, then watching them both falling for each other at almost the same speed. The passion builds at a nice pace, and I smiled when they finally kissed.
I do have suspicions about that other girl, though. Something just doesn't seem right about all of that. And why wouldn't he want to tell her about them right off? Hmmm...
Suggestions - I do have a few suggestions. Most of these are just typos are minor edits. Please use or discard them as you see fit. This is only my opinion.
closed herself off and tried to focus on re-formating her career.
Comma between 'off' and 'and' (herself off, and) reformatting - no hyphen
she could see him in her minds eye. The two of them sitting out on the deck chairs, sipping coffee and watching the sun set.
in her mind's eye. coffee, and sunset
Desire rose leaving her feeling
Desire rose to leave her feeling
fill the suitcase, gave
Comma not needed
The bed itself, was made,
Commas not needed
Still he had been aroused just the same. Giving her advise and
Still, he had... Giving her advice
After lunch she continued on.
After lunch, she continued. (Remove the word 'on' to prevent a tautology.}
Arden Falls cutoff, when she
Comma not needed (Is cutoff supposed to be two words?)
She was temped to jump out
She was tempted...
expect and complied. He held the door for her and closed it when she got out. He then led her over to his SUV, turned them and
Commas needed after before each 'and' (expect, and complied) (turned them, and)
For a split second she was caught off guard, then bewitched as she pressed further into him and kissed him back just as passionately.
After a moment or what seemed like eternity, he
Add a comma after 'second' (For a split second,) (seemed like an eternity,)
uncle’s place… sure, was I was excited
sure, as I was excited or sure, I was...
until I got to Weber’s…
or a ton of snow, is
Comma not needed
Thanks so much for sharing your work with us! I really enjoyed it!
KEEP ON WRITING ON!