A light-hearted story that addresses what could have been a serious situation. When you talked at first about going to Fisherman's Wharf, I thought you were in Monterey, California. I have always wanted to visit San Francisco. That is until you said there's a lot of walking. I can handle walking, but I live in Florida, and we're not used to huge hills.
The Title and Description - Such a great, funny title. It definitely grabbed my attention. Your synopsis description pulled me in to read on!
The Storyline/Plot - A family of seven rides the trolley car, and when they're told to jump off, six of them do, but one gets left behind. It's a preteen girl, whose father flips out when he sees the trolley car traveling down the highway with his kid. He runs after the trolley, screaming and hollering. Luckily, everything turns out alright. The story is told with humor and light-heartedness that makes you laugh. But it also shows the seriousness of having an emergency plan in case of separation.
The Setting - You do a good job describing the details so that the reader can imagine each scene as we read.
What I Liked Best - The part of the preteen getting left in the car, when she realizes it, and the parents do at the same time. I could see her eyes widen and the father running, screaming, and cursing at the trolley driver trying to retrieve his preteen daughter safely.
Suggestions - You have a lot of extra spaces between words.
mother-in law
mother-in-law
Thanks so much for sharing this story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This was a great read. I had a couple of laugh-out-loud moments. I have to hand it to you and your son. You two really worked your butts off! I'm sure dear old Mom appreciated it.
It's important to help and be there for family. Though, it's not necessarily what we always want to do, it's important to do so anyway.
The Title and Description - Excellent title. It fits the story perfectly. Your description is a hint of the humor that lies inside your writing.
The Storyline/Plot - Your writing shows the good relationship between you and your son. It's heart-warming to see you both tackling your elderly mother's apartment. I laughed out loud about the sheets at the hotel. Why does that happen? They should really invest in deeper pocket sheets. That way they can advertise that with their advertisement about how crisp they are. (They are great. I love the feel of linen sheets, and have a couple of them myself).
The Setting - The washing machine incident was another laugh-out-loud moment. That just had to happen on that particular day, didn't it? I have the deep one without the middle agitator. I'm so short I have to get something to stand on to get the last few pieces of clothes. (Or use one of those graspers), lol
At least it sounded like ate some good food. That's always a plus.
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it. Thanks for the laughs!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Good mystery story of a woman tracking an arsonist. When they meet up he is not ready for what is about to happen. He's used to intimidation working. Not with this one, though.
The Storyline/Plot - Very creative story with creative storytelling. You do a wonderful job bringing the story together and giving the reader a twist they didn't see coming. Great job!
The Title and Description - Good title that drew my attention, and an excellent description that urged me to read on.
The Characters - You do a wonderful job with dialog, and letting your readers get to know your characters. We quickly learn what kind of people they are, on the surface and deeper down.
The Setting - Nice job with description and detail. I was easily able to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - I liked how you tied up the whole story with the twist at the end. Nicely done!
Below are a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
rain streaked
rain-streaked
sweat suit
sweatsuit
pockets and started
A Comma is needed after pockets
gallon size
gallon-size
silencer equipped
silencer-equiped
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful story. I enjoyed it.
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh my goodness! What a story. This true account of a woman, her dog, and a trashcan is good, entertaining, funny, and mysterious. I do have to ask though, what's with the walks at midnight? I'd enjoy that also, but the danger of it would make me think otherwise. Enjoy your walks and stay safe!
The Plot/Storyline - The story is a true account of a possessed trashcan late at night. While out on a midnight walk with her dog, noise could be heard coming from inside a garbage can. After some soul-searching and a bit of thought, it was decided to rescue the raccoon or cat. Or whatever biggish animal somehow got trapped inside!
The Characters - The woman and her dog (and the creature in the garbage can). You do a great job showing the reader your humor and wit. As well as introducing us to your furbaby, dog. (Who I am sure enjoys the midnight walks very much!). We are also shown that you have a kind heart and soul. You couldn't leave that poor animal trapped inside a trash can overnight. You have a kind heart.
The Setting - You write the surroundings with great details and description. We're easily able to see the surroundings as we read.
What I Liked Best - I enjoyed the whole story. But when you were able to get the trashcan lid off and see what lay inside, and the confusion that came with that was the best!
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
in fact the
A comma is needed after fact
life changing
life-changing
river a ordinary,
river an ordinary,
a traingle
a triangle
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. I truly enjoyed it!
Hey Bill! I hope you're doing well. It's been a while since I've visited your port. It's good to read another one of your stories. I always enjoy them!
I was so afraid of what might be coming. Poor little guy. He trusted the wrong person. The only good thing is he didn't have to face the one he feared the most! I'm sure he would have much rather have the ending he had, than the one he could have had!
The Title and Description - Great title that grabbed my attention. The fabulous description urged me to read on!
The Characters - Your story has two main characters. The policeman and the undertaker. The dialogue spoken between the two of them brings the reader into their world. It shows the fear of the undertaker of the one who used to be his best friend and of the cockiness and ego of the policeman.
The Plot/Storyline - Is strong and creative. It is well thought out, and well-written.
The Setting - You do a great job on the setting. It is easy to envision each scene as we read.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I truly enjoyed it!
I hope to see you around more.
Tracey
"A Lannister Always Pays Their Debts!"
"When you play the game of thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
From a woman who loves to speak in cliche sentences, leaves her last cliche on her own tombstone. The narrator, her child reflects back at the many different cliches spoken over the years from her mother. But even she is not expecting the words inscribed on her tombstone.
Title and Description - You title grabbed my attention and your description urged me to read on.
Character - The daughter's emotions come through loud and clear with your words. Her sadness is palpable over the loss of her mother.
Setting - The setting is an intimate one of mom and daughter. Both before the mom passed, and after.
What I Liked Best - The revealing of the tombstone.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
I heard her gasps for air.
I heard her gasp for air.
to my Mother she
Comma needed after Mother
and allergy
Comma needed after allergy
over night
overnight
current tragedy,
No comma needed.
finger nails
fingernails
once believe
once believed
Yes please.
Comma after Yes
Finally the moment
Comma after Finally
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Nice job with the Writer's Cramp Prompt. The last little bit of time before the ship goes down. I like the different experiences with multiple people. Good job.
The famous violinists are getting ready to play their last tunes for the passengers.
They know it will be the last thing they ever play. They want to go out doing what they love, soothing the passengers, and praising God with their music.
There is the young lovers who know the end is near. They choose to stay in bed together.
And there is the group of old men at the table, getting high with the steward.
Title and Description - The title fits nicely, and the description of the story made me want to read on.
You have two good genre categories. You may want to delete contest entry and add another genre, maybe: Drama, or Action/Adventure. Many people find items to read by typing in the wanted genre in the search bar. Contest Entry isn't going to bring you any extra readers.
Characters - Your story has groups of different characters that are well-written. We get to know different personality aspects of a few of them. It adds good detail to the story. Their emotion comes through nicely.
Setting - You do a great job with the setting. It was easy for me to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - I like the whole scene of the group of men sitting at the table. It's poignant but funny. It's well written with a lot of detail and description that makes it a pleasure to read.
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
WRITE ON!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This was a good spin on the prompt. I like that you chose letters home. Good idea! These letters were from a young lady on the Titanic with her nanny. She writes short letters home to her parents. She tells of the orchestra, bad food, getting a room to herself, and on the last day, going on deck to see the icebergs the help is talking about. We don't read a letter penned after that.
Character - The young woman (we're not told how old she is) I assume she's an older teenager by her behavior. You can tell by her short letters home that she is quite spoiled and used to having her way. But she is an obedient daughter and writes two short letters home daily. Except for the day she has seasickness. She says it's food poisoning, but considering she was on the Titanic, I chalk it up to sea sickness.
Setting - It would have been nice to get a little more detail and description of her surroundings on the ship. It seems she would have written to her parents about the Grand Staircase at least. But she doesn't talk about the grandeur of the ship at all. I think this would help add greatly to the 'feel' of the relationship between the daughter and parents.
What I Liked Best - I like how you handled the end. The last thing she was going to do was go up on deck to look for the icebergs. She wanted to see one up close.
Be careful what you wish for.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
exactly at noon,
No Comma needed
it's maiden voyage.
its maiden voyage
worst has past.
worst has passed.
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This story is imaginative and creative. A little girl goes looking for her mother. She holds a toy rabbit, that is much more than a toy. It seems to predict the future in a sense. The little girl goes looking for her Aunt, who is able to find anyone. To find her Aunt, she takes off for the water. Into the water, to be exact.
A woman who found the little girl in the woods saves her from going under. The little girl is confused as to why she did so -- after all, this is where her aunt lives. Will her aunt be able to help her find her mom?
Title and Description - The title sounds like a children's story, then when you read the description it sounds like a scary story. The juxtaposition between the title and description made me want to read this story!
Characters - The little girl is a great character. There's such suspense going on with the story, little girl and the toy rabbit, that one is waiting to find out what's going to happen. The trust the little girl feels in the aunt and the love she feels for her mom is clearly felt.
Setting - The setting is written well throughout the entirety of the story. I could easily envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - The whole scene of finding her aunt where she lives.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
“Let me past.”
"Let me pass."
knelt down the girl’s
knelt down at the girl's
as it the rabbit
as if the rabbit
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Congratulations on winning the Writer's Cramp with this entry. I can see why it won.
This is a heartwarming story of a boy and his lost dog. Most of us animal lovers have lost a pet sometime in their lives. It's a heart-wrenching experience. You can't sleep or rest until you find them.
Title and Description - Your title is simple but fits the story nicely. You should put a brief description of what the story is about. It will help draw more readers to your piece.
Characters - The reader is automatically swept up in the boy's emotions. We can't help but feel for him. His heartbreak is all too palpable. The relationship between the parents and the boy is also written well. Mom and Dad both want to find Skip almost as badly as their son. Even though they may not outwardly show it as much.
Setting - Great job on writing the details and descriptions surrounding the characters. It helped me to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - The ending of course! I'm a sucker for happy endings. My stories don't always have those.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
parent teacher
parent-teacher
Usually Skip blasts
Comma needed after Usually
No Mom.
Comma needed after No.
vegetable garden some time.
vegetable garden sometime
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This was a great flash fiction piece. It's amazing how much detail, description, suspense, and action you were able to write in just three hundred words! Excellent job!
Story Line -Poor Charlie is literally on his last leg of life. Hung up, thirsty, and starved half to death, he's awaiting his execution. The crowds are gathering, awaiting the morbid show when a stranger approaches Charlie.
Charlie should have remembered that if it's too good to be true, it probably is.
Title and Description - A perfect title for this piece, and the description lends the perfect amount of suspense to urge the reader to read on!
Characters - Your main character is at his wit's end. He knows who the stranger is who approaches him, but he's too far gone to give it much thought. He agrees with his conditions.
Your character's desperation and resignation are clearly felt in your story. Nice job.
Setting - The setting is well-written all throughout the story. Your story is filled with details and descriptions that enable me to envision each scene as I read.
What I Liked Best - The ending. You did a wonderful job writing the suspense that was carried throughout the story and culminating it in the end.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
In his delirium
Comma needed after delirium
Charlie open one crusted
Charlie opens one crusted
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hmmm. This is a poignant, supernatural story. A story that comes close to what many young men are told and believe. This young man received a second chance. When he awakened from his sure death, he was glad to find himself alive.
The promises he was told did not happen. Where was his nirvana when he crossed over? Where were all of the things he was promised? Instead of feeling like he was walking on thick moss, he found himself falling down, further and further.
There was nothing but darkness.
The relationship between the two characters is strong. The reader can see how much the main character relied on the woman, who walked away, leaving him with questions that would go unanswered.
The scenery and actions are vivid, and enable the reader to envision each scene as the story moves along.
I like the ending when he makes a promise that everyone will know the truth, that the promises are just lies. Don't die for them.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit,
if it was the enemy,
if it were the enemy,
but still he heaped
Comma needed after still
shining of iridescent
shining with iridescent
wild fires
wildfires
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a beautiful story of a Granduncle and a child's deep love for one another. When the child's father died, her Granduncle took the role, to the point of even defending her in some of her actions. Those that her mom was not too pleased with.
It was nice for her Granduncle to step up to the plate, and be that all-important support and unconditional love from a father figure that all kids need.
One day, her Granduncle has a heart attack and crosses to the other side. He is brought back because he says he has a promise to keep. When he's recovering, he takes away the child's fears, as well as the aunt's fear of dying, when he tells them how beautiful, welcoming, and loving Heaven is.
The relationship between all of the characters is well-written. It's a biographical story that sends a warm feeling and smile to the reader's heart and face.
A relationship like this in a child's life is a blessing. I'm so glad he was in your life.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
At the end,
In the end,
purchase of such
the purchase of such
bedside several hours
bedside for several hours
recovery period Granduncle
Comma after period
Thank you for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed your story.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Wow. Great story. The title caught my attention, and reading the description, I knew something was going to happen, but I had no idea what exactly.
The story is a lesson in treating others nicely. After a while, one is sure to get what's coming to them, if they keep mistreating others.
Your writing reflects how hateful he was. And we had a hint at that just by saying he had missed her birthdays for the past few years. Then we are slowly introduced to his arrogance and temper.
By the time he has his 'accident,' the reader doesn't feel a bit sorry for him. At least, not this reader.
I was surprised by the twist at the end. Maybe I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. It's hard not to be happy for her. When you understand what she's been putting up with for years. Still, you can't excuse the actions. No matter how much you may understand them!
You do a good job of writing the relationship between the characters. And an excellent job of getting the emotions of all the characters across.
The setting is nicely written throughout the piece. It easily allows us to envision each scene as we read. Well done!
I enjoyed reading your piece. Thank you so much for sharing it with us!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh! Creepy nightmare! Twenty-five years is absolutely crazy. The anticipation is clearly felt by the reader with your words. They're vivid and paint each scene so that they're easy to envision and absorb the emotions you're living through.
Your dream is filled with symbolism. As for the inability to steer or lift your foot from the gas, and the speed of the car picking up faster and faster, that can be a symbol of life feeling like it's out of your control. I had a similar dream for years. I can't steer the car or remove my foot from the gas pedal. The car continues to gain speed, like a bullet fired from a gun. The fear is palpable. It's truly scary as h*ll. I can't help but feel for you to relive this for twenty-five years!
The food behind barbwire may signify the feeling of abundance being kept from you, no matter what you do. It could also be a fear of being able to provide the way you'd like for your family.
As for the deer turning into the face of a man, I'm not sure what that may mean. Maybe something to do with your fellow man (boss, civilization, etc..) coming off as innocent, and then at the last minute betraying you, or 'socking' it to you in some way.
I hope that makes sense and helps in a small way. A lot of times, if we can figure out what the dream is trying to tell us, they'll stop.
I know for about 30 years, I'd have the same dream of an intruder breaking into the house, and me running out of the back door, only to get shot in the butt when I reached the fence line. I told my sister that I wished I'd quit having it, that I'd been having it since I was a small kid. She innocently said, "It's probably from all of the shots you had to have as a kid." (I was rushed to the ER all of the time with bad asthma attacks, then had shots at home, After she said that, I never had the dream again!
I appreciate you sharing this with us. I truly enjoyed it.
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
A good piece about being smart about how we spend our time. To dwell on the past, and wish we could change it is not healthy. Regrets are a part of life. All we can do is accept them, learn from them so hopefully they won't be repeated, and move on. That's not always easy to do, especially as one grows older. But if one believes in God, it's nice to ask for forgiveness and wisdom and let it go.
It seems that more lessons are made known to us every several years. But the only way we know to learn from these lessons is by going through them. Lessons help us grow mentally and spiritually. We learn from the past, the things we want to avoid in our present and future.
Below are a few suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
ten year anniversary
ten-year anniversary
second day I
Comma needed after day
the past, or
No comma needed
future or staying
Comma needed after future
41 year old self the
41-year-old-self of the
guilt and
Comma needed after guilt
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a beautiful writing. I'm glad you were able to discover that God isn't "Out there," but within us, around us, and a part of everything in existence.
The story of the little girl is a simple, and beautiful way of getting that point across. The Holy Spirit lives within us, and that is God. It lets us know right from wrong and is that small voice we hear that guides us.
I was also raised with God being a Father who took more delight in punishing us than forgiving us. That's a basic way of looking at it, but that's what I learned as a child. I was always told I was going to hell for this and that -- for the smallest things. It gave me a deep-seated fear of the end of the world until prayer took that fear away in my teenage years.
I feel for those who are still raised and taught with such a narrow-minded message.
I love that scene in Patch Adams. I've had life experiences that are similar after a few major deaths in my life. The butterfly has always held a very special meaning for me.
I have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
in it's simplest form,
in its simplest form,
an ocean,
he universe,
of the morning,
No comma needed
one which experiences
one that experiences
Thanks so much for sharing your writing with us. I really enjoyed it!
Tracey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Great first chapter. The opening sentence is strong. It would be quite a feat to find what enabled the Egyptians to live as Gods in ancient times. I always believed there is a power in quartz we are just beginning to realize. Also, with different tones of sound. I believe they had this knowledge.
You have strong characters, and the relationship between Liam and his Uncle Peter is well-written. It seems to hint at a much deeper, more complex relationship between the two.
Your beginning hint at the plot will make a fascinating story. You did a great job with the setting. It's easy to envision as the reader follows along.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard these as you see fit.
floor to ceiling
floor-to-ceiling
Elvin like
Elvin-like
mahogany and
Comma after mahogany
uncle Peter.
Capitalize all 'Uncles' in your writing
customer would by
customer would buy
his legs and
Comma after legs
Thank you for sharing your first chapter with us. I enjoyed it, and look forward to reading more!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
This is a wonderful story of a brilliant mind who goes through the loss of his wife in a fire. His wife was his soulmate, and he's finding it hard to go through life without her.
After her death, they find each other again. Though he can hear and see her, no one around them can. But he doesn't let that bother him. He wants to get to her as soon as possible, and it's her aim to help him do so.
Your story is well written with strong characters whose love for each other strongly comes through. Neither can live without the other. Your setting is vivid and allows the reader to envision each scene as they read.
I enjoyed the creative twist toward the end. It was sad how long he spent there, but at least he was locked into a world of his own.
The closing is nicely done. The addition of the students just seeing him moments before is a nice addition.
Below are a few minor suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
unheard and unsave
Comma needed after unheard
envious of anyone that could
anyone who could
food and even sleep
Comma after food
years went by, the pages
went by, and the pages
He felt surprise
He felt surprised
Atop his head, hair
Arop his head, his hair
Cheeks sagged
His cheeks sagged
four of his institutes
his institute's
Fearing the worse,
Fearing the worst,
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Oh, what a creepy story! If ever there was a woman with severe mental illness, this one definitely takes the cake. I love your creativity! The way you pen the 'other' woman in the mirror is excellent. The reader feels the impact the main character feels from the woman in the mirror.
And if that wasn't enough, her pycho actions are taken even further as she tries to 'help' the man she loves. Whew! No one needs love like that.
Remove, cover, or break all of the mirrors in this woman's path! But that would only help part of her illness. Is it the 'other woman' who makes her kill? She does help her lead to those actions, but I think she'd do without the 'woman in the mirror'. After all, there are tons of reflective surfaces where she can find her.
A good psychological/thriller writing. Your title is perfect and drew my attention. Who wouldn't want to read this piece after reading your description?
Those sad dark brown eyes hidden behind green contacts are a dead give away as to what she’s trying to hide.
Nice!
Below are a few of my suggestions. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
A 20 something year old
You should always spell out small numbers.
A twenty-something-year-old
a sturdy poll
a sturdy pole
She scoff’s
She scoffs
one syllable
one-syllable
sit in plush
sit in a plush
knees and
Comma needed after knees
cement and slowly
Comma needed after cement
The doctors sits
The doctor sits
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it!
WRITE ON!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
You have such a great collection of cNotes. Something for everyone, and for every occasion.
I decided to review your Furbabies cNotes - Dogs. One, because I love all animals, but especially dogs, and Two, because this is the shop I decided to use to send a few Anniversary cNotes today.
Who could not fall in love with your selection? The first one starts us off with a cute furbaby nose. And a cute quote.
You have a fabulous selection of images to choose from, along with various quotes.
My favorites are: "You're not alone," "Keep on Swimming, "Relax," and "Thanks for being my friend."
The only suggestion I have is maybe you can take a couple of the "Thank you's" (since you have a few of those) and make a couple of them just the image with no words attached. That way someone can use them to make their own message if the others aren't quite what they're looking for.
Thanks for sharing your beautiful inspirations with us! I hope people take the time to check out all of your cNote shops. The only problem they'll have is deciding on which one to send!
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello Undbitr! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy Anniversary! I hope to see you in the halls of WDC!
This will be a good first chapter when you're able to edit and clean it up a bit.
You do a good job with your characters, and helping the reader get to know them.
I did wonder why the father didn't want the children playing together. Maybe a couple of sentences explaining why would help the reader understand more of what's going on in that respect.
You also may want to put some spaces between the dialogue lines. And spaces between paragraphs. It would help the reader have a place to rest their eyes.
You have a lot of run-on sentences. You also have a lot of places where the word after the period is not capitalized.
Correcting the problems above will help your writing tremendously.
I also have a few more suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
the kettle saw
the kettle, and saw
in the door a smile
in the door with a smile
brother." she said
brother," she said
coat and pulled it on and went
coat, pulled it on, and went
Hill then rolled
Hill, and then rolled
snow covered
snow-covered
guards man
guardsman
think on it later
think about it later
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us!
*hearr* Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello IdaLin! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy Anniversary! I look forward to seeing you in the halls of WDC!
Well-written story of a couple who buy a new house, only to be surprised to find they are not alone.
Your story has a nice opening that kept me interested, and the plot urged me to read on. Your ending was strong and unexpected. A nice twist to the story. Well done!
Your writing style on the setting was vivid. I could easily envision each scene as I read.
Your title drew me in and your description is perfect for the story, and made me want to read on!
You write the relationship between husband and wife really well. I found their conversations relaxed and realistic.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
streets and stopping in little shops and
streets, stopping in little shops, and
To Lauren and Jake it looked inviting, and warm and friendly.
To Lauren and Jake, it looked inviting, warm, and friendly.
she said, and then laughed.
She said, and swatted
No comma needed after 'said'.
well maintained
well-maintained
well-appointed,
No comma needed
eaves.” Lauren said
morning.” Jake said
Commas are needed, instead of periods.
*booksopen* quarter inch band of gold,
quarter-inch band of gold (no comma)
They'd move everyhing
everything}
I hope the suggestions help. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed it.
Intuey
"When you play the Game of Thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
Hello W.P. Gerace! This review is given on behalf of "Game of Thrones" . Happy WDC Anniversary! I hope to see you around the halls of WDC more!
This poor woman thought she had finally gotten away from her worst nightmare. A haunting from the one she called, 'Shadowman'. The fear, frustration, and angst come through strongly in your words.
The setting is nicely done and enabled me to envision each scene as I read.
When she moved and had been free of the Shadowman for years, then her mom sent her the doll, and the Shadowman suddenly came back, I wanted to scream at her through the screen, "It's the DOLL! Throw the doll away!" But sadly, she didn't listen, and it was then too late.
I do have a few suggestions below. Please use or discard them as you see fit.
her breathing rapidly
That sentence reads a bit awkwardly. I think it would sound better as, "her breathing rapid,
Elm Street. She knew it.
Consider deleting "She knew it." as you already used this phrase a few tines above. It's a bit repetitive.
fight him to do anything,
Consider changing the above to "fight him from being able to do anything,"
or "fight him to keep him from doing anything,", or "fight him, to be able to do anything!"
Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us. I enjoyed it.
drain her, things you didn’t see.
"When you play the game of thrones you win, or you die." Cersei Lannister
The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise.
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A light-hearted story that addresses what could have been a serious situation. When you talked at first about going to Fisherman's Wharf, I thought you were in Monterey, California. I have always wanted to visit San Francisco. That is until you said there's a lot of walking. I can handle walking, but I live in Florida, and we're not used to huge hills. 
Tracey
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I have the deep one without the middle agitator. I'm so short I have to get something to stand on to get the last few pieces of clothes. (Or use one of those graspers), lol
sweat suit 
gallon size 
silencer equipped
river a ordinary,
a traingle 
to my Mother she 
current tragedy,
once believe
Finally the moment
WRITE ON! 
it's maiden voyage.
Usually Skip blasts
vegetable garden some time.
purchase of such
future or staying
an ocean,
his legs and 
knees and 
