brom21's (ion_7) Reviews

brom21

Review Requests: ON

1,575 Public Reviews Given

1,576 Total Reviews Given

201

Only reviews from the past
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#4370189

Review of Untitled

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

Good use of the ABBA rhyme scheme. I don’t remember the last time I read this format. This is true prose as it is not just a running emotional monologue; almost each line stands by itself. My favorite stanza was the last one. It kind of steals your mind and leaves it at a loss of emotion. It also capitulates the emotion of the rest of the piece. Now I don’t know if story mechanics apply to works like this, but if they do, I would mess with the punctuation some.
(I can’t sleep thinking of things we used to do,
Are they slowly fading, my mind keep saying, no
It’s hard to understand, is there a thing, I missed to know?
Or it is the steps I take, keeps me away from you)
Above, I would change the first stanza to this-

I can’t sleep thinking of things we used to do,
Are they slowly fading; my mind keeps saying-no
It’s hard to understand; is there a thing-I missed to know?
Or it is the steps I take-keeps me away from you.

All in all, this was very tender hearted and honest. I like how this kind of echoes in my mind with the main message which, to me, was not knowing the true state of a relationship. This was wonderfully woven into my senses and articulately composed. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

202

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14 days may be credited.

#4369999

Review of Nights in Commerfield

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Despite that the large stone crypt he always emerges from is…)
A comma is needed after “crypt.”

(…looking aroundas iff surverying a massive audience in a grand auditorium; to top it off, he takes a bow.)
This-“ aroundas” should be “ around as.” “iff” should be “if” and “surverying” should be “surveying.”

“Besides for some blips like a mentioned above, this was great- both grammatically and plot/premise wise! You have quite the funny bone – pun intended! I loved the nice and fine atmosphere of the short and fitting narration. It was very quant and lighthearted. Great job! Happy WdC anniversary!

203

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#4369997

Review of Once Upon a Lightyear

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(“What was it dad?” his son asked impatiently)
A period is needed at the end.

Well, besides that one missing period, this story is flawless. You brought me into a funny, weird and fascinating glimpse of a world that makes one ponder. This was very creative too-a true sci-fi gem! You did very good job. Happy WdC anniversary!

204

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#4369995

Review of Mindless Musings

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

The only thing I would suggest is to stick to use consistency. Not all of your stanzas follow the ABAB rhyme scheme. Mind you poetry is not my forte. As I stated at the top, this is just me and more so in this case. Your slant rhyming work well enough-which, for example, would be the first and third lines of the last stanza. I loved the breezy, care free mood of the poem. It truly reflects how we just sometimes let our minds drift where it will. I got a good picture if the poem as well. Great job and happy WdC anniversary!

205

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#4369731

Review of Mr Balorick's Day

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

Before I start, I think it would be good to give some tags at the end of the dialog lines.

(Thank you Miss?)
Use quotes here.

("Thank you Annie, Oh Annie will I have trouble getting into the building that late.")
A question mark is needed at the end.

(…and the building in the distance, a museum perhaps.)
Here, a dash is needed where the comma is.

(After all, I thought, if I got the project,)
A period should be at the end.

(Walked to an entry of old burnt red brownstones which echoed of earlier times when horse and buggies passed under its arch.)
This is a fragment. Put an “I” at the beginning. Also “horse” should be “horses.”

(I had learned, from a friend long ago, that it was good, every now and then to stop and smell the roses. The roses being, everything around one’s self.)
Here, omit the last two commas.

(Soon, I came upon the Cherry blossoms, which lining the pathway, had laid all but...)
Above, move the comma after “which.”

(Footsteps approached me, I can sense, they are arm and arm. I can tell… their steps are in step, and close.)
With this, punctuate it so it looks like this-“Footsteps approached me. I can sense they are arm and arm. I can tell…their steps are in sync and close.” See how I changed “steps” to “sync.” It sounds awkward when you repeat the same words so close to each other.

(Her eyes captured by mine, her lips, soft, bloom into a confirming smile she leaves with me as she strides by.)
Here, a period is after “mine.” The rest should read like this-“Her lips: soft-bloom into a confirming smile she leaves with me as she strides by.”

(…with the aid of the cold breeze, I watch as the fallen dry and curled leaves scrape the ground in her wake.)
Overall, this just needs a little punctuation work. The story itself was great. You did a good job of using senses for the reader to experience the day with the narrator. It had a very laid back, contemplative mood that was very soothing. You made a great use of the prompt. Happy WdC anniversary!

206

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14 days may be credited.

#4369728

Review of OUR NEIGHBORHOOD GHOST

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(I used to think it was an urban legend. that was until one night.)
Here a dash is needed where the period is.

(I watched as the light of a lantern can be seen walking towards the stairway. I started to see a shadow, I grabbed my cousin's hand: as it walks down the steps first shoes, a nun's dress and legs, her waist, her hands one holding a lantern, the top of her dress and no head. )
Here, this sentence needs changing. First, the first comma should be a period or a semicolon. Next the colon should be removed. Also it sounds like the cousin’s hand is walking down the steps. A clause always modifies the noun right before it. Change it to-“I grabbed my cousin's hand when I started to see a shadow as it walks down the first steps…) After the word “steps” there should be a dash.

( Left my friends behind to fend for themselves.)
Here, this is a fragment. Put something like-“Then I left my friends behind to fend for themselves.”

I think it would be hard to build up tension and excitement and then have a good climax with such few words. But I think you did an okay job with this. I do think it would have sounded better with ending this with something from the ghost nun. Just work on the grammar a bit and this will be much better. Happy WdC anniversary!

207

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#4368424

Review of entry

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Ivy was eating breakfest when the soldiers knocked her door; back then, she though they were Jehovah's Witnesses since it was so early in the morning. She opened the door finding two navy officials in front of her; her knees trembled as studied their faces. Out of the monotone glacing she saw curved eyebrows and tight jaws.)
Firstly, “breakfest” should “breakfast.” Secondly saying “back then” would allude to the past but you speak in the present tense following that. It also throws things off a little. Since you’re speaking about the past use words like “she had thought they were Jehovah's Witnesses” and “she had seen curved eyebrows…” Finally, “glacing” is not a word. I do not know what you meant to say.

(…her heart beated quickly as she saw them take their hats down.)
Here, “beated” should be “beat.”

(She had been into milblogging after her husband entered the Navi,…)
Here you use the correct from of tense. Make use of it throughout. Also, “milblogging” and “Navi” are not words. At this time I wonder if you come from another country than the US in which these are real words.

(She had been into milblogging after her husband entered the Navi, she read Hockenberry, Sgt. Missick and 2Slick blogs when their post were updated.)
Above you just need change the comma after “Navi” should be period or a semicolon. Then capitalize “she” if you use a period.

(Never before she felt her husband that close.)
Here, you need “had’ after “before.”

(She recalled those Sundays when he would meet with Kyle (Joe older brother), and Ronnie to play with those bouncy dices; Kyle had died two years ago serving the Navi in Arabia Saudi; Ronnie begun his poor career as a musician and Joe decided that he wanted to follow his brother footsteps.)
This sentence is too long by use of the semicolons. Use periods.

(Her memories became fragile as the years passed; but she still remained faithful, still waited and still loved him, even though he never learned how to cook nor accompanied her to church the Sundays; but something he knew, he knew how to tell stories, that's why she fell in love with him back then in high school.)
In the above paragraph omit all the semicolons as you are using the conjunction “but.” Next, with this segment-(…; but something he knew, he knew how to tell stories, that's why she fell in love with him back then in high school.)- put a semicolon or a period in place of the commas.

(She was waiting in the sofa for them to talk;)
With this, it should be “on the sofa.”

(She claimed that she wanted to see his body, she wouldn't believe it until she saw him.)
Here, use a period or a semicolon after “body.”

("since the bodies travel a long distance we need to protect them")
This is a fragment. Make it a complete sentence.

(She didn't even cried, they leaved and she stared at that box over the kitchen table. )
Here change “didn’t” to “hadn’t.”

(…e, fire didn't worked,)
Here it is the same as before.

(She wrote on her blog what had happened; five minutes after her cellphone rang.)
Here, omit the semicolon.

("Ivy, It's me, Joe; sorry, I could't call you because we were prohibited to, our troop got lost and they found us today")
Here, the line line should be something like-“ Ivy, It's me, Joe. Sorry, I couldn’t call you because we were prohibited to. Our troop got lost and they found us today")

I am surmising you are new to writing or you are a young writer. Sorry if I came across as harsh but I review all works on the same level. These were all simple grammar or spelling mistakes and I suggest proofreading your works. If you do, your stories will be much better and more enjoyable. Happy WdC anniversary! Write on!

208

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#4368252

Review of Something’s Up

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(“I know why you’re calling, and the answer is no.” Mackie was always busting my chops like that. She just likes to negotiate. I’ve spent a lot of dough on negotiations with Mackie. Dinner, movies, long walks on moonlit beaches. I’m still working on those negotiations. I do a little better getting information from her than romance lately, but give me time.)
Here, a colon is needed after “I’ve spent a lot of dough on negotiations with Mackie.” to make it “…with Mackie:…” Also, I would put something after “she just likes to negotiate” as it sounds too vague. Maybe something like-“…negotiate romantic pursuits” instead.

(“You don’t have to start like that. Give me a break. Can’t I just be calling up to say hi and invite you to Mario’s for some spaghetti?”)
Above, I am not sure who is talking. It sounds like Mackie is but because we were just in the narrators head, it sounds like the narrator is talking. Also, what is the narrator’s name?” I can’t tell who speaking for the next two lines also. That may be just me though but for the sake of people who would have the same problem, I would put tags at the end.

( While while for Mackie to get ready I decided I’d heard enough to assume the story to be true.)
With the word “while” back to back it is confusing. Make it “While waiting…”

You really succeeded in giving the story a very “low down” feeling complete with the complicated romance theme. I would to have loved to read a shooting scene during the sting operation and not just a distance narration. I also think you could have put a more suspenseful, punch at the end. Or you could give it an iffy ending like if Mackie gets wounded in the sting and the story ends in a hospital. You could then turn that into a romance scene. In any case I though you did a nice job of composing this but I think you could really make it better with some simple tweaking. Happy WdC anniversary!

209

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14 days may be credited.

#4367641

Review of Raven Winter

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(We did not remember whence we had come, or where we were going.)
This sentence kind of does not fit the dialect of the rest of the story with the use of “whence.” Just use when.

(I could not feel my limbs. I only had the faintest awareness of their presence,…)
Here who is the person referring to with “their presence?” Is it the others with the narrator or some other being?

(We traveled over icy plains, or perhaps it was a frozen sea on which a thin layer of snow had come to rest. The land was flat and dreary, never changed by the presence of so much as a single bush or tree. There were no slopes, no pits; just an endless stretch of white.)
With this one how could you state the absence of a bush or a tree when it is obvious because you are on a frozen sea? Just keep to to icy plains.

(I had no sense of direction or time, I did not know if we had just set out…)
Here, the comma after “time” should be a period or a semicolon.

(There were new sounds now: the cries of crows, the shrieking of vultures, the hungry call of the raven.)
Above, the birds mentioned do not inhabit such a climate.

(Suddenly there was fatigue, and hunger, and an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss.)
Here, explain what caused this drastic change in mentality when before the person is totally apathetic and out of it?

(Before long I was back on the icy waste,)
Here it appears you are referring to a place of permafrost like Siberia. In this case why and how could someone build a town and a church in such a place? Also a wood could not thrive there. Again I’ll mention that the birds mentioned do not live in tundra-like nature.

My final piece of advice is to condense your writing. Things are a little wordy. On the positive side, you did a good job of letting us go into the mind of the person narrating. His desperation is defined in many ways. Some would say you are redundant in this manner. I will leave that up to the reader. Quite frankly, he is the most unhappy person I have ever seen and with ample reason. Nice work. Happy WdC anniversary!

210

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14 days may be credited.

#4367607

Review of The Elven Wood

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…,dismissing the folklore as baseless superstition.)
Here I would use a different word than “folklore” because the word denotes a false idea when it is based on truth in this case. Maybe something like “tales” or “legends.”

I loved the fifth paragraphs that uses lots of descriptions. It finishes nicely with this sentence of yours-(It was a habit that did not wear off as she grew, and people would often fondly call her the Forest Princess; Rea Silvia.) Very nostalgic!

(…the fallen leaves whispering gently underfoot.)
Above I can’t imagine leaf being stepped on could whisper. It appears to be a metaphor for how, for instance, the wind whispers in your ear. But, as it is Autumn, the leaves would make a crunching sound. Something like that cannot “whisper.” Put maybe something like-“The leaves whispered as they fluttered and floated with the passing of my strides.” It would be easy for you to come up with something seeing how good this is so far.

(She made her way past familiar places. The hollow tree she had used for shelter from a sudden downpour,…)
With this, a semicolon is needed after “places.”

(The wind must have been picking up already, because even this deep into the forest there was enough of a breeze to stir the mist now. )
Here, what comes before the comma is unneeded and awkward. It is obvious the wind is picking up. Maybe something like-“The wind breezed into the hard to penetrate deep forest air stirring the mist.”

(There were tiny imps, stealing through the shadows of a traveller's camp, wreaking all sorts of havoc.)
Above it seems the imps are stirring up physical conflict and harm in the camp. Do you mean to relate the imps’ actions with the lake? Also “traveller's” should “traveler’s.”

(He shrugged. "Who knows? To tease us, perhaps, or to share a wisdom we do not understand.)
I would elaborate on the wisdom part. Maybe say that the lake is enchanted with the knowledge and experiences of those who have passed away. Or you could just say the lake can reflect the essence of the Faerie and what they know. Just play with it.

This was fantastic! I got totally lost in its tale. The extensive description ground me into the forest
and the magical occurrences and the beings that lived there. I could learn a lot from you in this aspect of writing. I liked how Rea disappears at the end. It gives it a mysterious, forlorn feeling. The last short line really ends it well as it alludes to the very beginning premise, wrapping everything up. As indicated from above, it was almost flawless in every way. Well Done!

211

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#4351304

Review of Stars

Review by brom21

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

Wow man! This was excellent! This was so articulate and quaintly relatable. And it was so easy to follow-something I really look for. I read through the whole story and nothing was amiss. Flawless! That is saying a lot as I am quiet the stickler. The first paragraph was profound and it set the stage for the rest of the story. It was serene floating around the guy’s head. The steady sing-song pace was a perfect match for the premise. I also think the brevity was fitting too. It gave me a lingering appeal to the emotions and thoughts. I could give you more compliments but I don’t want to seem like I’m just buttering you up. Great work!

212

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14 days may be credited.

#4339468

Review of Lightning Warrior

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(I woke up in the middle of the night with lightning shooting all over the room, coming from me, and I was twitching at much faster than human speeds, I was very freaked out, I passed out and woke up in the morning, I was more chiseled than I was the previous night.)
Here it would help to reword things a bit. Also, a period or semicolon needs to be after “human speeds” and “freaked out” and “in the morning” rather than commas. The whole thing could be something like-“I woke up in the middle of the night with lightning shooting out from me all over the room and I was twitching at much faster than human speeds. I was very freaked out. I passed out and woke up in the morning. I was more chiseled than I was the previous night.”

(My room was a mess my tv and light where blown up, I knew I couldn't explain it to my parents, or anyone else for that matter, they would think I was nuts, in fact I might be none of that could be possible I had to be going crazy, but then what was all that stuff that happened, I guess I will find out.)
Above you need to swap some commas with some periods or semicolons like before. You also need a comma after “My room was a mess.” Put periods or semicolons after “blown up” “I was nuts” and “stuff that happened.”

(I had the ability to throw lightning from my hands, turn my whole body into electricity, my mind worked a lot faster than a normal humans, and I had super human speed and strength, figured I should give you a full rundown on what I'm capable of.)
It seems that you need to learn where to put commas and periods as well as semicolons. Notice the differences in the altered version of your paragraph that I put in bold:”I had the ability to throw lightning from my hands and turn my whole body into electricity. My mind worked a lot faster than a normal humans, and I had super human speed and strength. I figured I should give you a full rundown on what I'm capable of.”

(…I had a lot of "friends" but not all of them where real friends, and I knew that,)
Here you kind of state things twice with putting “friends” in quotes. Just put that or say they were not real friends.

(So I cleaned out my entire savings account so we could get everything we needed.)
Here it is doubtful that a kid could have or withdraw very much money.

(I built a police scanner that fit in my ear, and virtually unnoticed.)
Here, put a “I was” after “and.”

(Ok all done creating the costume, and my police scanner it was time to go out and see how people reacted to me.)
This is a fragment. It should read something like-“Okay, we had finished creating the costume, and my police scanner and it was time to go out and see how people would react to me.”

(He appears in a flash of light, can take out last count of fifteen robbers at once…)
Above, since this is a headline in a magazine I would put it in italics. You’re also missing an “and” after “light.”

(
(My first clue that there was anything other than normal humans was when I went up against a guy who was able to control wind and water.)
With this you could do some chopping. Like this: “My first clue that there were other super humans was when I met a guy who could control water and wind.”

( In our first battle he pumbled me, actually he almost killed me.)
Above, “pumbled” should be “pummeled.”

You really need to know when to use commas, semicolons and periods. A substantial problem is the huge block of text. It makes things hard to understand and it is overwhelming to the eye. Break things into smaller paragraphs and space them apart. You story needs a little work. It could really shine with some skimming and changing. All in all a decant story. Happy WdC anniversary!

213

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#4339347

Review of Maelstrom - Chapter 1

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(…it had the potential to go wrong in a very bad way.)
Quite frequently you can omit words. It’s pretty easy if you look for opportunities in your work to do so. Here you could change this sentence part to-“…It had the potential to go very wrong.”

(However, with the instruments humming contently,)
Here, I would use different words to state what you are saying. Maybe-“However, as she calmly listened to the quiet instruments working with a quiet hum, functioning efficiently,)

At this point I would say there is a lot of info dumping. Instead, weave the info through with dialog, action and thought rather than just narration alone.

("Sonny you up there?"
Turning to look at the electronic diagram covering the wall behind her, she wanted to see where the response came from. Sonny should be in the surface control room.
The diagram consisted of three main components; the Floating Instrument Platform or FLIP resembling an oil platform on the surface, the Grounded Ocean-floor Base positioned between the FLIP's three anchor pylons, and the Mobile Ocean-bed Laboratory known as Barracuda. A number of small green lights dotted the diagram, and Sonny's response should be accompanied by a green light blinking in the FLIP's control room.)
Here I am confused. At first it seems like Stephanie is talking then you say it is a response from someone else.

(navy choppers delivering containers,)
Navy should be in caps.

(People were speculating and the degrees of outrageousness seemed limitless. And even though she loved her job, she could not help but be distracted by the possibilities of what went on right under her nose.)
Here, you can easily show and not tell. Here I will put my suggested replacement in bold because it is more than one line long.
Have Stephanie talk to Sonny and put something like -”How do you like all those nuts who totally blow things out of proportion?” asked Stephanie.
“Even so, you put up with it because I know you love your job,” said Sonny.
Stephanie smiled slightly. “True. What also bugs me is how secretive the whole project is being kept. Aren’t you curious?”

(Her primary concern was to deactivate the non-critical systems.)
Here just change it to flow better. Like-“Her primary concern was to conserve energy which meant deactivating the non-critical systems.”

Like I said, this would be even better if you would talk and act things through. Your story was relatively easy to follow and very descriptive. I love how you insert that conspiracy element with the mysterious involvement with the Navy. All in all a good read! Happy WdC anniversary!!

214

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14 days may be credited.

#4336011

Review of Waves

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

I’ve never attempted prose. I do couplets. As such, I had to read through this a few times to absorb the beautiful, intelligent narration of yours. Lol. I like how you give a comparison of those who are at ease with life and those struggling with circumstances. The average Joe is like the latter.

(to the depths this ocean creates)
I like this line because the ocean could be several things: feelings, thoughts, society, pain and so on.

(teasing us
pushing us above
for one quick second
to just be sucked below again)
I take this to mean when short-lived pleasures like fame or false friendships. They both are real enough but they end in vanity. There is also the idea of lack of air when you’re submerged in the ocean. Life can drown you in problems and emotions. Just when you get a breath pf fresh air, mourning boggles us down. Nice lines.

(and I've put to much weight
upon my strength
turning it into the anchor
that I have let down)
I take this to be self-affliction coming from over exertion. It gives the grim, hard state of despair at its worst when in the end we give up.

Great poem; very true and relatable. It was short and concise. The last line really makes me feel the doom of the “anchor” that becomes of our futile efforts to succeed and we give heed to failure. Nevertheless I believe that one can stay buoyant if he or she keeps trying and does not give way to adversity. This was a great poem! Happy WdC anniversary!

215

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14 days may be credited.

#4335987

Review of The End of the Graveyard Shift

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

("How's it going, Pauly? How was your night?" The older man grinned down at his employee.)
This line really shows the boss’s stuck up attitude with the tag. Nice.

There is really nothing to indicate where Pauly is at, who he is, or what he is-an elf. I would add some stuff to indicate at the beginning paragraph to hint these three things. As it is, the only thing that shows these is the mention of Santa. Other than that, it appears to be an average Joe working at a regular office.

("It's your funeral." Pauly tipped his hat to Mr. Claus and headed home.)
This line confuses me. Wouldn’t “Mr. Clause’s home be the North Pole with his elves? Also I am not sure what Pauly is at this point-human or elf.

All in all this was a snazzy, tight little depiction of a classic office situation, whether it be a human or an elf. Given the space, this was not rushed and was clear and concise. Like, I said, it was nice little glimpse of a fascinating account. Happy WdC anniversary!

216

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14 days may be credited.

#4334545

Review of My Lonely Heart

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(The way his body moves just puts me in a trance, he's perfect in every single way... His eyes a beautiful green met with mine almost as if he sensed me looking at him,)

(Here, put a semicolon in the place of the comma and capitalize “he’s.” Next put “His” in lower case. Finally, put two commas in the last part to make-“…his eyes, a beautiful green, met with mine almost as if he sensed me looking at him,”

("May, he's looking right at you act naturally.")
Here, a hyphen is needed after “you.”

All in all, this was a gem of a story. It was not rushed or sloppy. The ending confuses me though. It appears May is supposed to be talking with Heath Bright; the one she is in love with. But then May addresses him in third person to another individual. Anyway, this was very nice and it gave me a brief but fascinating account of a love story. Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

217

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#4334318

Review of When Gods Die

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(The day dawned with a muffled light, the sun hidden by one dark cloud that covered the entire sky and cast a dark shadow across the entire plain.)
I would not use the word muffled here. Muffled usually pertains to sound. Maybe something like-“The day dawned with filtered light” or ”…patchy light.”

(…row upon row of fierce warriors, looking out across the semi-darkness in anticipation of what was to come.)
Here, semi-darkness is stilted a little. Change it to something like-“gloominess” or maybe go a step further and say-“twilight.”

(The Asgard warriors had come to do final battle with their mortal enemies, had brought their own light to shine on this, the last day of creation.)
Here, in a very rare situation, the word “that” after “warriors” is needed. Then omit “had” after “enemies.”

(Odin stood proud at the front of the line, along with Heimnal , with his two handed sword of justice, Thor and his hammer of vengeance, and Baldur, with his glowing inner light.)
Here, “with” is used to many times close together. Maybe put it like-“Odin stood proud at the front of the line, beside Heimnal , who possessed his two handed sword of justice, Thor and his hammer of vengeance, and Baldur, with his glowing inner light.”

(dripping poison from its very mouth.)
Omit “very.”

(…fear and anger warring in is body,…)
Here, use feelings and emotions to show the fear and anger of Mjolnr.

(Suddenly a thousand horns sounded and the inner light that the Asgardians had held in check shone…)
Above, “held in check” is out of place. Asgardians would not use that term.

(Elves and dwarves screaming in agony, Ice Giants melting before the solar like heat that flowed from the Asgardians.)
Here, the sentence reads wrong. Instead of present tense. Also, join “solar” and “heat” with a hyphen to make “solar-like.” It should read-“Elves and dwarves screamed in agony as Ice Giants melted before the solar like heat that flowed from the Asgardians.”

(Odin, the Allfather, sped quickly to intercept the Fenris wolves, knowing that they above almost any other of the enemy must be quelled if Asgard was to survive. Heimnal, Rushed forth with glowing sword raised high, cutting down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King, shouting his defiance he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with his fierce approach.)
With this, ditch the adverb quickly. Something like-“sprinted” or “darted” instead.

(Heimnal, Rushed forth with glowing sword raised high, cutting down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King, shouting his defiance he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with his fierce approach.)
Above, remember that a clause always modifies the noun right before it. Here it sounds like the Snow Giant King is shouting defiance and is engaging himself, the frozen mammoth. Also, “sword of justice” should be in caps. also I think it would simplify things if you broke the sentences in two. Instead make it something like-“Heimnal, rushed forth with the glowing sword raised high that cut down all before him until he reached the Snow Giant King. The holder of the Sword of Justice shouted his defiance as he engaged the frozen mammoth knocking him backwards with Heimnal’s fierce approach.”

(Odin found himself surrounded by 10 giant wolves, all with teeth longer than his fingers and most standing as tall as or taller than his magnificent height.)
With this, you could do some chopping to make it-“Odin found himself surrounded by 10 giant wolves, with teeth longer than his fingers, most as tall or taller than his magnificent height.”

All in all, a good read that could easily be even more epic and picturesque. Just go back and redo somethings a bit. I thought this had very “Clash of the Titans” feel to it with powerful monolithic beings-very cool! Good job and Happy WdC anniversary!

218

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14 days may be credited.

#4334299

Review of Please Don't Let Me Die

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

( Fear gripped me, paralyzing my muscles,…)
Here, to better carry the effect of fear, omit “Fear” and put something like-“My stomach tensed as my muscle paralyze in the wake of the droning blackness of death.”

(My tears were streaming freely down my cheeks; dripping off of my chin and forming tiny puddles at my feet.)
This is an excellent line where you use sight and feeling to portray your sadness. Nice.

One thing I wonder is how you are suddenly unable to move and you are about to die, and you write paragraphs full of slow, coherent contemplation and action. How are you able to do all that when you actually dying and becoming stiff at the start?

(…would force oxygen into my burning lungs; but, it was to no avail.)
Here I think you need a hyphen where the semicolon is.

(Fear tightened its grip on me as I crawled back…)
Here, describe how fear grips you.

Your 7th paragraph really makes me feel the hurt for you because of your patronizing, uncaring family and friends. You said you were dying for heaven’s sake! You’d have to be quite desperate to say that for attention. I won’t show the paragraph as it will just clutter up the page needlessly.

(Man, not only did I look like a plucked chicken; I felt like one also! I could not stop laughing because I felt so ridiculous!)
I like this line because, even though you were going through all of this, you were able to laugh! The Bible says laugher is good as medicine.

(…left for a few minutes as he sewed up my heart.)

This was superb! You really displayed emotion in a powerful way. I’m blown away how you carried the account fluently forward while weaving in the details and thoughts that you had. You made me sad and forlorn in the first few paragraphs that salted to the end where my heart swelled with joy. You definitely deserve the ribbon. So much that I think what you shared deserves another ribbon. This was a tremendously deep and moving story! Write on and happy WdC anniversary!

219

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14 days may be credited.

#4333681

Review of Kaine

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(There were two ladies behind the desk at the school office. One had stationed herself as far away from the door as possible, which looked pretty difficult considering the room was so tiny. The other was a wiry, elderly lady with smile wrinkles around her lips. This second woman was the one who queried what she was doing at the school.)
Here, clarify who the “second woman” is. It sounds like you’re referring to the elderly lady. If that is the case, we know she is the second lady. Make it simple and make the last sentence-“She was the one who queried what she was doing at the school.

(The lady's mouth crinkled. There went the wrinkles./ Ahh! Wonderful. Let's see - we received a file yesterday...)
In the second paragraph you say the elderly lady had smile wrinkles. Then it seems you say “there went the wrinkles” as in they left. It sounds like she is no longer smiling. Then she gives a hearty, friendly reaction when it appears her attitude suddenly became negative from her fallen smile. To avoid confusion say something like-“The lady’s mouth crinkled and the wrinkles formed.”

At this point I think it would be easier to read if you gave the two women names. The simplest way would be name tags. Then have Rebecca mention them in the narration.

("Oh." She found the words "previous school", once popping up frequently enough, could be quite an annoyance. The lady at the back clearly agreed. She went back to typing away on the large computer on the desk in front of her.)
Above, show signs of how the lady at the back “clearly agreed.” This is describing a thought process in the lady’s head. We are looking from Rebecca’s POV. \Put something like something like-“The lady at the back grinned and nodded to herself.” If this does not fit right just chop it altogether. How can the lady appear to agree with something Rebeca is thinking?

(Rebecca swore she saw the other lady at the back roll her eyes as she walked out of the room.)
This is nicely done. We see the lady’s sarcastic cynicism clearly demonstrated.

(She wasn't sure what to expect as she quietly opened the door…)
Try to avoid adverbs. Instead say something like “nudged the door” or “inched the door.”

(There was a faint-looking male teacher that was writing on the white board and shuffling papers at the same time.)
Here, what do you mean by “faint-looking male?” Also you can take “at the same time” and chop it. We know is happening simultaneously.

(She gave an uncertain smile,)
Here, use actions and descriptions to describe the” uncertain smile.” Maybe something like-“She lowered her head and blushed with a smile that barely creased on her lips.”

(She looked around quickly.)
Once again avoid adverbs. Put something like-“Her eyes darted around her” or you might use a simile to make “She glanced through the room like tornado.” I suppose you could do this with an adverb but I would use it sparingly.

(She took the one near the front with the less-than-screaming people.)
This stilted. Put something like-“She took the one near the front with the less boisterous students.”

(…but she looked at Rebecca with frightened eyes.)
Show, do not tell she was frightened.

Overall this was a nice account of teenage emotions and situations that fascinated me. I really got the sense of awkwardness of Rebecca in the new school. My impression of her was a quant and tender soul. Also I would space the paragraphs. The huge block of text is overwhelming to the eye. Nice job and happy WdC anniversary!

220

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14 days may be credited.

#4333014

Review of Enforced Vacation

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(The moonview is beautiful this time of year, and I don't give a flip about it.)
Here, moonview is two words. Also, at first read it seems Frederick is looking at the moon and not from it. Maybe just put a simple-“the view of the moon.”

(and he throws back the last of his beer in a single go.)
Here I would mention the man’s actions after he finishes his beer which is following the woman to her room.

(I had a cousin called Frederick when I was growing up,” she says, looking pleasantly nostalgic.)
Here you must abide by the show don’t tell rule. What in her expression makes her look nostalgic? Maybe something like-“she says, looking away silently from Frederick as her eyes drifted into the moon view and then made a faint smile.”

(She sinks into herself, crumples, and the happiness drains out of her expression.)
faded slowly into a frown and her ayes raised in sadness as tears wellup.) Once again, show don’t tell her happiness drain from her expression. Perhaps something like-“her smile

You really did a good job with this. The first person POV worked great. You also created a good emotionally compelling story considering the brevity of your piece. It was not rushed or focused on moot content. For the most part it was easy to follow right to the end. That’s something I really look for. I would have preferred a tad more description of this sci-fi-like setting. All is all, a great read! happy WdC anniversary!

221

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14 days may be credited.

#4332780

Review of Dragons of Monte Cuan - Arrival

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Tak-Riel soared high above Monte Cuan, bronze wings glistening in the spring sun.)
Here I would specify Tak-Riel’s wings are the color of bronze and not made of bronze metal.

(, soon the sun would illuminate the open field which was their classroom and his freedom would be forfeit.)
Above, say why Tak-Riel would lose his freedom in the light of the sun.

(across the valley floor towards the field of stifled dreams.)
Here, I think “stifled dreams” is the name of a place. In that case, capitalize it.

(…wings grabbing an enormous amount of air and felt as though his shoulders would be ripped out of their sockets.)
With this, I would use another word than grabbing. Maybe “snagging” or “pelted by an enormous amount of air.”

(…that when he'd finally come to rest it was not without some satisfaction.)
Here, you need a comma after “rest.”

At this point you need to specify where the class is. At first glance, it seems the dragons are in an actual class room.

(…the east and the other on the west, here they create a deep valley which we call home.)
With this a semi-colon or a period is needed after “west.”

(Tak was confused at first, he was looking at the Gold but it didn’t appear she had even noticed him.)
Like the prior line, a semi-colon or a period is need after “first.”

(Maybe if you use your wings like your trying to fly instead of just trying to balance it will feel more natural…)
Here, I think “glide” is the word your looking for since she cannot fly on her own.

(but showed no signs of being ready to give up on his quest.)
With this, what signs can be given to infer she does not want to give up? Maybe just say something like-“She remained calm and steady on Tak’s back and said nothing of danger or feelings of fear.“

( “Tak, you will learn with time that doe's get angry when their feelings are hurt. You should try thinking about how pretty she is and pretend that she is talking just to you. I can't imagine you'd have much trouble paying attention if she were talking directly to you.”)
Above, the first sentence is incoherent. I think you mean to say-“ Tak, you will learn with time others get angry when their feelings are hurt.) That is just an acquired guess.

(This is Mydre, she is one of their nurses,)
Here say who exactly instead of “one of theirs.” We know from the discussion of Mydre and Tak, but the crowd and Tak’s father do not.

(Once Tar-Riel has Mydre settled into the nursery he can show the others to the closest unoccupied caves.)
Above, a comma is needed after “nursery.”

All in all, this was a peculiar tale with human-like attributes that meet with the world of dragons. It was fascinating and charming!I would like to have seen more mystery and magic weaved into the tale. Maybe give some “lore” to the places that were named and some special dragon abilities with each dragon type. Happy WdC anniversary!

222

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14 days may be credited.

#4332747

Review of Dreaming

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (5.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

This was an excellent poem. It is immersive, nostalgic, and uses the senses well. You really out did yourself with this one. I looked closely for any errors and found nothing amiss. It was enthralling from beginning to end and it easily made me experience how being in each form was like. I want you to know that I might have given like two five-star ratings since my first review. I am a very meticulous reviewer and that says something about this piece of yours. Fantastic job! Happy WdC anniversary!

223

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14 days may be credited.

#4332372

Review of Check and Mate

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(His friend Claire owned an art gallery had suggested this date; he was starting to be aging.)
Here just cut the last part and put something else. The part after the semi-colon is awkward. Put something like-“he was starting to age” or “he was reaching an older age.”

("He is too blunt to be good at what he does. I don't like him" thought Myriam)
Above, it is usually good to put thoughts in italics. A period is needed at the end too.

(Ben let Myriam be white; he was a gentleman after all. She made her classic opening, preparing herself to rush to the center. Ben answered by his classic aggressive opening. To which she quickly replied with an agressive stance as well. "Hmm... interesting. Let's see how she adapts". He got his horses quickly out, a sure way to crush the pawns in the beginning of the game. She didn't budge however, and got her bishop out, bolstering her defense as well as leaving herself openings for an attack. Ben liked what he saw, and chose to bring back his horse in defence. "He can't be stupid enough to let me prepare my defence like I am. Not after that opening. Hmm he is not testing me either, he has done that with his opening gambit. Maybe he is being delicate and letting me develop my defense; he either likes a challenge or like a complicated chess game. It's a little show-off but it's interesting. Interesting, indeed")
With this paragraph there are quotes. Ben and Myriam are thinking these. Put in italics. Also “defence” should be spelled “defense.” Also you use that word too close together. Put something like-“ranks” or “forces.”

(it was no longer a game of chess, no, rather it was art made by two; it was the emulation of two intelligences trying to outdo the other one, without wanting to do that or really being able to.)

I thought this line was great. It was quite methodical and added suspense. It also set up a flavor to the climax if you would.

(But at the same time, the game would end, the two would probably not see each other again, because her pride would be wounded. And he didn't want to hurt her. At the same time; his own pride was at stake; she would win the game if he didn't do it.)
I liked this too. It sets up the pinnacle ultimatum also giving suspense.

Great job with this. I found little to be corrected and it was very enthralling. It’s hard to describe a chess match without seeing the board. I had to read through a few times. I loved how you ended it-so sweet. I did not see it coming and it was a warming surprise. Write on man! And happy WdC anniversary!

224

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14 days may be credited.

#4329420

Review of That Many-Splendored Thing

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

(Yes, a year. Four glorious seasons mashed into one long, sultry summer. The jungle took me in with a great lungful of air and grew around me as I explored, spewing forth rainbow birds and creeping marvels with frantic variety, like the output of some mad, creative god.)
Here it sounds like the person is responding verbally. I would put a tag saying “Yes, a year, I thought.”

Familial stories are not my forte. So I enjoyed it on a relative level. With this is mind, had I liked that genre, I would have given it more praise and a better rating. So great job with this. It was a treat.

This was well written. You put a lot of content into this short amount of space. Well done. Happy WdC anniversary!

225

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14 days may be credited.

#4329412

Review of Two peas in a pod

Review by brom21

In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...

Rated: E

| (3.5)

The following are my own observations and opinions that are intended to improve your work. Take and leave what you will. Below, your words are in parenthesis mine are not.

This is done to commemorate your Writing.Com anniversary! Congratulations!

("What's that?" Zyna whispered, gripped with fear.)
Here show actions and sensations to describe Zyna’s fear.

(…and would die. Demali shivered with fright)
Here. it is the same thing as before.

(But the shaking ended as soon as it started.)
Above, the shaking can’t start and end at the same time. I would put something like-“But the shaking ended soon after it started.

(Demali and Zyna felt bouncing)
With this, it does not make sense. I know what you’re saying but you need to reword it. Something like-“Demali and Zyna felt the surface jolt up and down making them bounce.”

(An hour later, Demali had just finished thinking about what could have possibly happened. The shaking had ended ages ago, and things had been calm and quiet since. Life was awful in a pod sometimes. You had no connections with the outside world. )
Here, the transition to an hour later to ages ago is too abrupt. I would add some more to this for fluidity. maybe something like-“An hour later, Demali had just finished thinking about what could have possibly happened. From that time of the catastrophe the shaking had ended ages ago with no reoccurrence for years and things had been calm and quiet since. Life was awful in a pod sometimes. You had no connections with the outside world.”

("Agh!" Zyna screeched in her high-pitched voice. She wasn't speaking quietly anymore!)
Here the second sentence is stilted. I think it would be easiest to just chop it.

(Soon her question had been answered. Standing there was an girl-a human girl in overalls. She had on gloves. Then she said, "Mm, I cannot WAIT to sell these peas at market!")
Above, the third sentence sticks out of place all alone. Also “an” should be “a.” Just combine the second and third sentence. Also I would put the tag at the end of the last sentence to make –“Soon her question had been answered. Standing there was a girl-a human girl in overalls wearing gloves. "Mm, I cannot WAIT to sell these peas at market!" she said.

At this point I am confused as to what Demali and Zyna are. Are they Imps or peas? Try working on making the story easier to follow.

(Suddenly, Demali felt her bag being picked up. She felt herself roll around and be sloshed against other peas. Some other peas rolled on top of her. Their weight was not comfortable.)
With this one, you can do some simplifying. It’s obvious that Demali can feel being sloshed. Then, you can combine the last two sentences all to make-“Suddenly, Demali felt her bag being picked up. She rolled around and was sloshed against other peas. She was uncomfortable from other peas that rolled on top of her.”

Like I said before, things were a little jumbled and abrupt. This was a fascinating story. Slow things down a bit though. Write on happy WdC anniversary!