I truly believe that poems like this are best understood by the ones who write them, I know, I have written a few myself. When I go back and read them, I still feel the pain, but it is soon forgotten again as I become distracted and for that I am glad.
You do express the grief well and the person determination not to forget, but add alittle hope here and there and it may sound even better. Keep writing.
This kind of jumps around. I see your point of saying you are not sure what it is about, neither am I. You might stick to one character per chapter and elaborate on them. Charlie sounds like a good character, you really bring her to life. Good luck and keep writing.
I glad you hae the courage to write that. My beloved dog died 12 years ago and I still cannot not write about her waiting on the hill for me - yet. One day I hoe to. Your poem is beautiful.
What you see as a distrubance, I see as an adventure. I face every day as a test, all I must do is pass it and I will get another day of an adventure. I try to smile at everything, even through the gravity waves, they are just another e ticket ride.
The only reason I rated this as a 3.5 was your lack of detail. the paragraph:
“Many-times-great grandson Phineas, is that any way to treat your elders,” the Sandman sneered, taking on his usual appearance of a man in his mid-fifties. He now wore a robe type outfit. The robe he donned was red in color with silver streaming through it like sand blowing the dessert. His salt and pepper hair was pulled back into a ponytail. His hair isn’t very long and stops at the top of his shoulders. “I should teach you a lesson, but. . .” I glared at him. “But, we don’t have time. Don’t worry, Phineas, I’ll get you eventually.”
is very good, I can visualize Alexander. But I have no idea what La, De or Da look like exept they are probably wearing pink. It sounds like a good story plot and I shall be interested to see where it is going. Keep writing, forever.
I think the writing is good and your characters realistic. Although, I have been around guys in a garage and they speak alot worse than that. I was surprised that no one mentioned "If I have that girl right now, I'd ..." That is what I would expect, by maybe I have been around too many garages. Keep writing.
You do not seem to be new to writing. Your descriptions are very good as they paint a picture to follow along. I am sure you have great plans for your human and I would be interested to read the next piece. I personally, am not good with foreign accents (like the Scottish) or complicated names. I would prefer to see nick names after the grand long names and titles, but I also read C.J. Cherryh and she is a master of odd ball names. Good luck, let me know when the next piece comes along.
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