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Review Requests: OFF
1,038 Public Reviews Given
1,623 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a very straight forward reviewing style. I will tell you what I liked about the story and what I didn't. I will point out any errors that I noted as I read, but editing is not a strength of mine.
Favorite Genres
Erotica, dark drama
I will not review...
Poetry, non-fiction, Vore, Shrinking fiction, Gore or straight Horror
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 ... Next
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Review of Girl for Hire  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Bob and welcome to WDC!

I enjoyed the opening chapters of Girl for Hire. Betsy's dual life is fascinating. I thought the simple act of walking through the closet door to another life, brillient!

I believe that you have the beginnings of a wonderful tale here and look forward to reading more in the future.

Best of luck!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Communication  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful job of expressing strong and poigant emotion in very few words.

Most parents have experienced the pain of hateful words from their child at one point or another. Keeping your cool and trying to look for the reason behind the anger is not easy.

The child pain here is real and heart wrenching.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Unbroken  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
While I don't know the story of Lisa Lansing, I found the poem to be moving. One wonderful thing about poetry and music is that the reader/listener can take the words and relate them to their own lives.

Thank you for sharing this piece with us here at WDC.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey Scorp! Thank you so much for taking the time to read Held and give me your feedback to make it a better story. I thought I would stop by and return the favor!


Christmas Party Adventure is an interesting story with a great setting. *smiles* The opening paragraph makes it all the steamier as a confession, true or not!

The sentences seem a little short and choppy to me, not allowing the reader to get into the flow. Another thing that I noted was repetition in a couple places. For example....

*Note4* Earlier that day I was trying to decide if I was really going to go or not. Not sure what I should wear or if I should even go.

We were talking about the ship’s Christmas party and I told her I wasn't sure I was going to go because I didn't really have anything to wear.

*Note1* He was there alone but his wife was going to meet him there a little later. (He) he told me they had booked a room and were going to stay the night so the XO was all about getting drunk. ~~I am not the greatest at punctuation so you might get someone to look this over for comma usage.

*Note4* Your "flipped me around" and "spun me arounds" can be a bit confusing and repetitive.

Oh one other thing ... I have family in the Navy and he tends to get highly irate when I refer to the Ship as a "boat". *giggles* So that is something you might consider with your XO .. or not.

Hope this helps and I look forward to reading more!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!


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Review of Mixed Emotions  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mineme ... welcome to WDC!

Your short story points out an unfortunate truth in the behavior of our young people. Too many think "might makes right". To make it worse, the younger kids idolize the older so the cycle continues.

I liked how Ori realized he had become exactly what he had swore not to.

I hope to read more from you soon!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Capturing Her Joy  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Musclemama and welcome to WDC!

Such a beautiful mental image. I loved the simplicity of this piece. There is nothing as beautiful as the innocent play of a child.

Good luck and I hope to read more of your work soon!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Missing you  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Lady Irish and welcome to WDC!

Your poem strikes a cord with me. My dearest friend, my sister, was a twin. The other child was stillborn. She has told me how she felt alone, incomplete, for years. When we met here on the net those that knew us both were amazed. We were so alike they immediately pegged us as the Terror Twins. *smiles* We are 10 years apart in age but neither feels complete without the other. We are twins of destiny.

I hope and pray that one day you are complete.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Bella Luna! I would like to welcome you to WDC!

You have done an excellent job in chapter one, playing on the readers emotions, drawing them in.

A few things that I noticed...

*Note4* It was in that moment that she became a shell, too numb to feel anything but nothing.
~This is a little wordy and losing the reader ... perhaps just ...too numb to feel.

*Note4* While I understand you wish to stress to the reader then girl is on her own and soon to be destitute...your use of the word "alone" becomes repetitive making it lose the power it would hold otherwise.

The scene in the park is very mysterious and a great hook to end the chapter making the reader want to read on!

Good luck!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of The Soul Keeper  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello GothicQueen! Welcome to WDC!

Your story captured my interest and yet left me with so many questions. I am sure many of the questions would eventually be answered should you choose to continue this story.

A few things you might take note of or think on.

*Note4* The spacing of your story makes it a little difficult for the reader. You might consider editing it a bit to allow the readers eyes a break as they read your tale.

*Note4* The words still (rand) inside of my head. ~not sure what word you intended here


*Note4* I have 7, of multiple gender, and she has 6 female, one male. (And) that one male, just happens to be the love of my life. ~ And not needed ...cap That

*Note4* If you choose not to continue this story then you may possibly consider editing to flesh the story out a bit to ease the confusion. I personally hope you will continue and look forward to reading more!

Good Luck!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!



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Review of Tiger Eyes  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello emXsquared. Welcome to WDC!

You have captured a very emotional story here. The loss of a child or a young person always seems to hit harder and we think of all they had left to do.

*Note4* You could improve this story greatly by taking a look at your spacing. Your story is so jammed together that it not only makes it difficult for the reader to follow but it takes away the power of some sentences, descriptions, and scenes.

*Note4* Watch for changing from point of view such as first person to third... example ...

I didn’t look up I expected to hear someone cry, or a cop ask me a question or the meaningless line, I’m so sorry. Nothing it was quiet, so he looked up and what was left of him heart just died. Standing in the doorway looking straight at him was Michelle’s father.

*Note4* Another thing to look at or have someone help you with is your punctuation. You need to take a look at comma useage...for example..

I’m seventeen years old and deep down(,) love struck(,) head over heels in love with a girl named Michelle.

There might be a couple more in there but I am not sure because truthfully, commas are my down fall! LOL My proof reader probably adds 20 commas to each of my chapters. So don't feel bad. Look for someone who is good with punctuation and ask them to proof read for you and/or make the corrections/edit as people send them to you in reviews. There are a lot of wonderful people on here that love to help.

Good luck!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Fabulous use of description. I could feel Nora's throbbing head and the sense of panic as she looked around her parents house. Your attention to detail from the drool stained arm of the couch to used prophylactics really made the story!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Dezzi! Welcome to WDC!

Writing is an excellent emotional outlet for many and it certainly seems the case for you. You have a talent for putting your feelings to words

My thoughts on the piece...
I am not an expert on poetry, however for me the words "i know" became too repetitive. The word "s***" has its place and can be used in many different ways, yet here I felt it took away from this work.

These are just my thoughts. I hope that you will take them as they were meant...to help. Good luck here on WDC and I look forward to reading more of your work.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Kelly's wish  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello and welcome to WDC!

A few things I noticed that might help...


Kelly loved reading, adventure, mystery, fantasy, anything, but she was fed up of the hero always being a boy(.) (The)the more she thought about it the more she realised most of the heroes (were doesn't need capped)Were boys.

Kelly got up of (off) her bed and went round to her window, from there she could she (see) the forest and the lake.

"Coming" she replied and tore herself away from her window (.)

In bed Kelly thought about how great it would be to be a dragon rider, to have a magical contact with such a magnificent beast and to be able to save people and stand up for what she thought was right of course she realised that there would never be any wars to fight in but from her point of view that was fine. (run on sentence consider breaking into 2 or more)



Your story is a bit confusing. Everyone has dreams. However, this girl is fantasizing, not dreaming. Her thoughts are not realistic given her surroundings. If this is a something where a fantasy world is introduced that is one thing. Currently it seems to me she is in modern society with delusional dreams to be a rider of creatures that don't exist.

I can relate to the girls fantasy having read Dragon Riders of Pern, Eragon, Eldest, and many others. If this is a story that you want to right then I encourage you to take a look at your tale and make some changes to continue writing.

Good Luck!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!




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Review of Darkness  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You do an excellent job of capturing Rose's confusion, fear, desperation, despair, and loneliness. As I read my heart ached for her. The slow drop off of visitors is a sad reality and the betrayal of the fiancee one I watched my sister-in-law suffer through as she lay in a coma.

Thank you for sharing this heartwrenching tale here.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of A Gift for MCG  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
While I am far from being a poetry expert, I thought your effort well done. I particularly liked your topic. It is one most can relate to as we attempt a task, style, or genre we have never tackled before. I applaud your bravery and hope that the one this is gifted to enjoys your words.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
There is nothing quite as heartbreaking as a childs tears. To have it be your child, and worse yet, your fault, is the worst!

Great job of following the strict guidlines and still delivering an entertaining story. I loved the references to the Mad Hatter. *grins* A childhood favorite for sure.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of What If.......  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.0)
We live in a world full of questions ... full of what ifs. Your poem is simple and yet thought provoking, like the innocent queries of a child.

*grins* I hope with a closing line line that...your wife has a healthy sense of humor.

Thank you for making me think...and making me smile.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Fascinating story! I hope you consider expanding it one day.

Just a few things that I noted as I read, I hope they will help....


The bear stood, mighty and quiet, waiting for them to make a move. When none of them did, (the) it charged.
The veteran raised his spear, but (it) the tempered bronze may as well have been paper.
*Note4* (extra words)

(See) lay, arm outstretched, handing him his spear, still smiling. He smiled back, understanding.
*Note4* She lay

The man tried to let his arrow fly, but the shaft of the spear pushed the bow aside (as the head to fly into his face) His smirk, along with his entire face, collapsed like a cloth bag under pressure as the head of the spear crashed through his features.
*Note4* () doesnt make sense

Good Luck!


A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Blossoms Maligned  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I loved the way you described the old school, almost like a living entity.

The interaction of the teens was well written. I loved the perfect little details such as ...

"He put his backpack on the floor between his legs and took the box from her. He took the chain out of the container and balanced the case on top of his backpack."

These type of mental images enhance the story so much.

It could be me. This is just my opinion in hopes that it helps. However, the flash back is not as strong as the remainder of the story. I caught myself skimming over the beginning only to be drawn in once you returned to present time.

The sequence from shots fired to the last line had tears in my eyes, my heart in my throat, and my bum on the edge of my seat!

Good luck with publication!

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review of Kal's Fury  
for entry "Part 1" 
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting story, great action. You did a good job of giving the reader a bit of background, and history on the characters as you went, without disturbing the flow.


In his hay-day, he had been (a) Kal’s most deadly adversary. (extra word .."a" not needed)

Numerous trinkets and trophies lain inside that had taken years to collect were scattered and broken across the floor in all directions. (This sentence does not read right in my opinion. Take a look at your wording and the comma usage through out the chapter. *smiles* punctuation is a downfall of mine or I would try and help)

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As a dog lover I really enjoyed this story. It is interesting how people are either a dog person or a cat person and few confess to be both.

The descriptions you used for Harvey, galloping, drooling, crunching, all brought about vivid images.

A beautiful shamrock signature made for me by the extraordinary Adriana Noir!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I have always been drawn to tales in this time period starting in my youth with Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House of the Prairie series.

Your first chapter did a great job of pulling me in. I find it a mark of a good story when I am startled back to reality at the end of a chapter and find myself looking for more.

Welcome to WDC and I look forward to reading more of Opal's story soon!

~ Mara
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Review of Thank You  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think that you express the feelings of most of us here on WDC in your letter. The closeness of our community is amazing for a site this large and unrivaled in my estimation. WDC's members have truly embraced the ideals set forth here and while a love for the written word may be the frame work, it is the peoples compassion and genuine desire to help that makes it feel like a home.

I thank you, Adriana Noir, for not only your compellingly unique writing style that leaves me salivating for more, but for your tireless efforts proof reading, editing, and reviewing. You are what WDC is all about.

~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a discussion I have had with my husband many, many times. There needs to a way two people of the same sex can gain the same sort of legal rights that a traditional married couple share. I don't care if you call it a marriage, merger, joining, or a business agreement ... it needs to be done to protect their rights.
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Tries to type and wipe away tears at the same time*

Such a touching story and to know that it is your own childhood only adds to it. I hope that one day you find you "Man in the orange Jeep" and can thank him properly as an adult, letting him know the impact he has has on you.

Peace!
~Mara
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