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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/irish_hussy69/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/12
Review Requests: OFF
1,038 Public Reviews Given
1,623 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a very straight forward reviewing style. I will tell you what I liked about the story and what I didn't. I will point out any errors that I noted as I read, but editing is not a strength of mine.
Favorite Genres
Erotica, dark drama
I will not review...
Poetry, non-fiction, Vore, Shrinking fiction, Gore or straight Horror
Public Reviews
Previous ... 8 9 10 11 -12- ... Next
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Crossroads in Life could be the story of so many couples from small town America. I commend you for taking a look at an everyday, blue collar, struggling young couple and showing their true plight.

The story held my attention from start to finish and I have no suggestions other than ...Write On!

Peace!
~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great second chapter. The sexual tension between Sorin and livia is smouldering!

I like the partnership between Martin and Livia. There seems to be respect and almost brother/sister bond there.

Not that it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the noise of a heard of elephants in the club. (herd)

I am looking forward to reading more, so Write On!

Peace!
~Mara
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Review of Apocalyptic Soul?  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I found myself holding my breath through much of this tale. You create characters so believeable that the reader finds themselves shrinking from the screen and yet unable to pull away!

The last line is very powerful ... I am just Oliver.

I find myself hoping that is the end and yet looking for more. Brilliant story!

Peace!
~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
An intriguing start! Your descriptive choice of wording gripped me from the start with such lines as..

The silence was thick throughout the interrogation room. You could feel it pulse around you like a living thing.Despite that uncomfortable silence, the ungodly heat, and a full bladder that five cups of coffee would surly cause, the suspect didn’t so much as fidget. (surely)

I loved that description! Brilliant! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future and welcome to WDC!

Peace!
~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Such a fabulous story. I enjoyed it from start to finish. Your use of description is very impressive. I loved this passage...

*Then Taerin gasped as the connection formed in his mind, like a flash of lightning illuminating the darkness. His head whipped back to find the man's eyes. They weren't looking at him, he realized. They were looking beyond him. And looking back at him was the young mother he had noted earlier, one hand held to her mouth, trying to stiffle her sobs.*

I truly think a sequel would be well recieved or even expanding to book form!
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Review of Take Me Home.  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*shudders* This excerpt from your book is both chilling and promising of an interesting tale to come.

I was impressed by your description. This part stood out in particular as being very vivid..

** The room stinks of old cigarettes and wine mixed with cat urine and ammonia.
Such a vile smell; it burned up through my nostrils and I choked down the taste.
It seemed as though the carpet had absorbed every stench it's ever come across in its lifetime like a sponge soaking in hot, soiled water.**

I liked the repeated reference to his cheap brown shoes ... sometimes it is the minor details that sticks in ones mind when traumatized.

Excellent job and welcome to WDC!
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Review of The Ritual  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I read this story at the recommendation of a friend and can not thank her enough! I enjoyed not only the story, but the very real message behind it. I do not believe many stop and think of the devastating consequences even a finding of "innocent" can have.

I loved your opening. I have one in my life that you do not dare speak with until he has had at least one cup of coffee, a cigarette, and read the paper. The way you end with the same scene, and yet with much different thoughts and feelings, was brilliance.

I have no suggestions except write on!

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Review of The Home...  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC. I hope you find it a wonderful place to meet new friends and improve your writing as I have.

This story hit very close to home for me. I have a brother in Iraq right now and a sister-in-law sitting at Fort Leavenworth praying for his safe return.

A few things I noticed that may help....

A smile spread over his face, the idea of their living room still swelled his heart of joy. (with joy)

She ran to him and through her arms around his neck and gave him a huge kiss. (threw her arms)

I lied, I tried to fought back the sobs that were creaking up my throat. (fight back the sobs)

I began to sift through one of the boxes looking for some of the old articles of our old apartment, I was looking for something in particular. (you use old here twice in the space of a few words ... maybe something like previous apartment?? Another question was if it has been 8 months would she have not finished with the boxes in the livingroom? )

The change of point of view was difficult to follow at times.

Good luck and Write on!

~Mara
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Review of Bankruptcy  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem brings a bittersweet smile to my lips as I enjoyed your words and yet I recall a time, not too distant, in which your words were all too appropriate.

Excellent job of reminding the readers of a major social problem and yet letting them enjoy the forum in which you used.
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Review of Sanity  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ohhh! I loved this! Not until the Doctor came in did I catch on.

I enjoyed your letter/story "Angela" so much I referred it to a friend and had to come check out more of your port. You are a very talented writer with a gift for telling a story with background information as well as character dialogue. I read a book called The Minds of Billy Milligan on a man with a split personality. If this type of thing fascinates you as it does me, you might check it out.


Thanks again and write on!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (5.0)
I could see so much of myself here as I am sure could many here on WDC. Funny that a friend of mine and I's New Years Resolution was to rededicate ourselves to our writing in 2008. We have set a goal to FINISH SOMETHING! Believe it or not ... it occured to us that to reach our ultimate goal of being published...finished product was actually necessary! *Laughs*

Great piece! Good luck in 2008!

~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! I think that you will find it a great place to improve your writing skills and make some new friends.

I found Cecilly's bold nature to be refreshing after the number of meek heroines in this genre. I look forward to learning more about her history, personality, and desires.

Some things I noted on your story....


She had dark, red hair that was braided down (in) her back (and so long that it) fell
past her waist. ( in not needed and the sentence may sound better if you omit the (and so long that it)saying ....She had dark, red hair that was braided down her back, falling past her waist.

Watch using the same word or variations of in close proximity in your story as it gets repetitive.
*She was holding the hand of a (young) girl,
who looked like her (younger) double.*

Leopold’s eyes were (focussed) on the same woman that was captivating Jeremy’s
interest. ... (focused)

Dorian called back, swinging his leg over the fence into the (practise) yard and earning a glare from one of the sword masters. Dorian had never been a (favourite) here, .... (practice and favorite)

“Let’s just say that even her maids are causing a stir and she’s hardly been her (here)
for five minutes.”

Hardly any of the courtiers had
arrived yet for the wedding celebration, so that (the) palace was still on the quieter side.

**They headed into the main hall where there were servants milling around the tables
set up for breakfast in which some members of the permanent court were seated.** ~ I would suggest some changes to this sentence to strengthen it ... perhaps something like... The men entered the main hall to servants milling around the breakfast tables occupied by permanent members of the court.


You had mentioned that not many couriers had arrived but then mention quite a few. Be careful introducing so many people at one time as it tends to confuse and overwhelm a reader.

** Angela smiled and kissed him lovingly on the cheek, and Cehelm let a small grin
show up on his face which was coarse from living in the north with the harsh winds. ** You could strengthen this sentence with something like ...show up on his face, course from the strong winds of his northern home.


I hope you find these suggestions helpful and good luck!

~Mara
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Welcome to WDC! I hope that you will settle in here and make it your home as I have been blessed to do lately.

You have painted a very desolate picture here with your words. I am impressed with your description and look forward to seeing where it leads.

A few things to think about ...

Consider spacing your work. This is a big turn off with many. It makes it very difficult to read as is and with description as powerful and dark as yours a reader can feel overwhelmed.

You used the word "land" many times in this piece. Consider looking for another word as it gets very repetative.

*If the rain does not soil the wasteland, the blood seeps through the rigged cracks in the ground.* ....i do not think rigged is the word you want here...jagged maybe?

I hope that this helps and wish you good luck. Write on!
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Review of Don't understand  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC! I found this piece well written and very expressive. I am glad that you have decided to share your work here at WDC and think that you will find it a wonderful place to not only improve your writing skills but make some friends as well. Good luck and write on!

~Mara
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Review of Dear Angela  
Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
**Insert evil laughter here** A wonderful job of telling the tale of a picture. Through out the letter you delivered delicious little shivers with your words, showing the reader here an unbalanced mind. Oh if only Angela had the benefit of a picture.
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: E | (5.0)
Priceless! Did I mention deadly accurate? *laughs* Thank you for expressing the feelings of I know so many here at WDC and doing it with both eloquence and humor. It is times like this that you can laugh or cry....hmmm how cliche....glad I am not being rated on this. *LOL*

Write on Princess!
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Review by Mara ♣ McBain
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I wanted to thank you for taking the time to review my work. I ventured here to return the favor and spent a good deal of time lost in your many works. To me the mark of a true writer is their ability to evoke emotion. You are a true writer. Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching poetry on WDC, a place I am quickly beginning to call home.
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