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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ironworker156/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/2
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101 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Scary indeed, love the twist to you becoming one of those things to be on the lookout out for. Nice ending. Congrats!

Ironworker156 aka Sannara
27
27
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was awesome. Nicely done. Congrats Elizijohn. Love all the use of sounds.


Ironworker156 aka Sannara
28
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Review of Daisy's Gift  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nicely done tale. Congrats!

Ironworker156 aka Sannara
29
29
Review by Ironworker
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this one, probably most for the ending as the philosophy I know and am in agreement with. Nicely done.

Ironworker156 aka Sannara
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Review of Water Guard  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nicely done, Very interesting tale. Congrats.

Ironworker156 aka Sannara
31
31
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Awesome tale executed awesomely. I'm impressed by how smoothly you move us--(the reader) from the known and familiar to the unknown and unfamiliar. Well done.

Ironworker156 aka Sannara

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32
Review by Ironworker
Rated: E | (4.0)
A story for which the reader is asked to read between the lines. a well written story. I n my opinion its is weak in two aspects the symbolism you employ for the--(I believe) tornado approaching might be to sparse. If I'm correct, its only because I've experienced one. Others more fortunate--(having no experience) may not get it.

I humbly suggest more, or more concise description to aide in the imagery you desire to communicate. the second aspect is the ending. Is she contemplating suicide, or are you suggesting something else. Wasn't sure here.

I hope my comments in some way have aided you in your journey.

Ironworker156 aka San



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
33
33
Review of Pluto’s Rock  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good work. I liked the story line. The aspects I will comment on is that of; the pace, and the descriptions of pool play. The pace in the beginning was fast. You could have slowed it a bit and taken a bit more time to show us where we were, as opposed to telling us. The pool game and the explanations and events of the trial almost lost me. I might suggest the descriptions of the pool play might be reduced in some fashion, by us of metaphors or similes instead of following, precisely the actions of the balls. The pace was quickened here where more aspects of the court trial could have been revealed, so more could be discerned, by the reader, about justice in the future and Jymile's world in general.

Altogether, a bold story told pretty well.

I hope these comments in some way aides you in reaching your goals.

Ironworker156 aka San


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
34
34
Review by Ironworker
Rated: E | (5.0)
A very powerful and visual story. You make the reader feel, they are at your side in the experience. an awesome work. Nicely done.

Sanford--aka ironworker156
35
35
Review of A Conversation  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: E | (5.0)
You paint a wonderful picture of a moment so close and very common but from the uncommon perspective. Your dive into suspending reality for the reader is seamless. the transition is done in such a quiet mannor that one could mark the time as the events unfold. Nice job indeed.

I don't know if I've any tips for you but I've much to learn from you. Awesome work. Stong unflinching in its aim to make us see the world from another perspective. If I had to point at a weak point, it would have to be the last three lines. You could almost do without them or show another more graphic illustration of the dogs mood.

But all in all I like it. I'll read more.---Sanford aka Ironworker156

36
36
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like this story, a good start. In my opinion there are a few technical aspects I might change, and I lend them to you, From 46-57 the dialog dosn't seem real to me. You seem to want us to know a little about them. If this is so I propose a more close quarted dialog and showing us more han telling. Example: The Corpsman while sitting with a tight grip on his equipment, yanks a St. Anthony coin from a round his neck, kisses it, then glancing over to the Lueitnant says, You want I make a prayer for you? The chopper heaves over bouncing the men around like toys. Yeah, Can you gey him to lighten up? he says.
Just a thought .

I like the direction of the beginning. My suggestion overall would be to lose 10% in your next edit. That would crispen the story. Great work!
I'll continue reading.
37
37
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Nice imagery and a smooth pace. Wonderfull departure from expectation, ane the dialog is tight,--(that 's a high complement) . Your sence of conversation movement is very strong. Thought this was done well and with a sence of humor, nicely done. If I had to critisize, The domestic violence part was the only part I felt didnt fit as smoothly as the rest of the story. But it was great as a rationale. Nicely done, nicely done!

And Congrats, on a great win!
38
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Review of Big Things  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Surprizing. This was an interesting and highly creative approach to the prompt. I was not sure as I read this and had to read it twice to realize, Yes the world had mutated and man, or what was left of him, had become the prey of other things. Nicly done. I think this would have made a grea story had it been longer giving you time to develope the storyline.
39
39
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That was awsome, your understanding of the charactor is portrayed wonderfully. I felt as though I was the proverbial fly on the wall. Well done. Well done indeed. My best read for the day. --Sanford aka Ironworker156
40
40
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well told story, The end slide too fast, for me, over the realization of her having kille two innocent people. But it is told well. I just wanted to see her perhaps dumbfounded moment of dicovery of her error and the construction of her irrational assesment of her innocence.

But truly, It makes me wish to read more, and I shall. Well done.
41
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Review of The Voice  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicely done, very nicely done.
42
42
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You make cooking fun with the splash of humor you attach to it. This too was a great read. Loved to have heard the stories of how each of the other departments heard and their requests made their way to you. Great read and recipe. Thanks. --Sanford
43
43
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was well done,--( no pun intended.) The humor rolls through well. It move along at a nice pace which helps maintain the voice of the charactor, but the only comment I can make is that it seems to be somewhat anticlimatic at the end. I t doesn't kick me to laugh or push me to a revelation. Not that the overall was bad at all. It wasn't . I did enjoy it, and I understand you may have had contsraints to fall within. So I say Great work. I hope something I've said will be of use to you. --Sanford
44
44
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very humorous and timley store of a gamer. Well done. The charactors were a bit strange but in hindsight they were "dead on" as game charactors. Your story line was enough to pull and hook me as the reader. Excellent. The dialog and introspection was good. And your scene development skill is strong. An the shoe drop at the end was well played. Hope my comments are usfull to you in some way. Great job. --Sanford
45
45
Review by Ironworker
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This was a pleasure to read. You hook into other readers can quickly and then pull them into a reflection on a period of your past. You provide a vivid image of circumstances and events. A well-done snippet in time, with moments of anger, anguish, and drama. In general it's written well. I look forward to reading more of your work. Great work-- Sanford
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Review of Quiet Yearning  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a very emotion filled home encompassing, fustration, anguish, patience and love. I thought you told a very good story here. My comment here is that the piece is not very strong on imagery. Perhaps stronger metaphors or analogies would help to add punch to the key messages this poem delivers. I enjoyed how you steadily moved through the years. I thought you did an excellent job there. It's a sensitive subject and you make us feel some of the emotions that come from it. I hope you find something useful in my comments. Good work-- Sanford
47
47
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the sense of the scene in place that you're building in the story, it is very reminiscent of the Mike Hammer stories, but very different. Through the main characters observations and introspection we learn a little bit about him, however I can't help but think that along the way of introspection--(since he's talking to himself most of the time) that he could tell us a little but more directly about who he is. I think placing it somewhere even if it's a fictitious city, would build on the rest of your scene creation.
You asked us as readers, to comment at key points. I started to, when I realize that this particular condition was prevalent through most of this chapter. I would make the comment, that as a writer, your job is to keep me flowing in the story. Unfortunately, over description , wordiness, and too many adjectives like rarely, nicely--(the LY description killers). I got a great rule of editing my work which I will share with you. When editing, you should aim for a production of at least 10% in your work. Admittedly this can be extremely difficult, however in 99% of the cases I've attempted it the results of that being on Viagra.
I'll attempt to give you an example using one of your sentences.

Yuck, these slobbish wasteful people. It's so disgusting to see a man who was once an athlete walking down the street wearing pants whose waistline is hidden by an evergrowing belly and his former prom queen wife who now has a double chin and wears so much make-up that her fat face looks like a porcelain faced asian woman with too much blush and even more unflattering blue eye shadow above lashes that are clumped together from being attacked with a mascara applicator.
Yuck, such wasteful people. It's so disgusting to see a man, once an athlete, with a waistline hidden by and overgrown beer belly. And his wife just sitting there, double chin encrusted in makeup. Hard to believe she was once a prom queen. Now, her body fills the seat booth to tables, making her look like one of those round porcelain china doll's with bright color on her cheeks and thick smears of electric blue eye shadow.

Just a suggestion. I hope this doesn't seem overly critical, as I truly liked the story as it's progressing, and I will read on. I think you've done a great job your here, great start. I hope you find something useful in these comments--Sanford
48
48
Review by Ironworker
Rated: E | (4.5)
I think this a difficult experiment on your part. It seems to make parity over a declared relationship, time is money with respect to a desired relationship, need of attention or perhaps value of attention.
I think it's an elegant work. I may not grasp all the deep elements here, but I can see depth here. After reading this, I thought perhaps a commentary line between each of these stances which would reflect on, or provided description of such a relationship, might add some clarity.
It's small but it's an impressive effort.-- Sanford
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Review of A Leap of Faith  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You've written a very strong story of delayed passion and love. While at first in the beginning, I felt that the story was taking while to get started. However, your characters, Beth, and her parents were so strong, that it was hard not to continue reading. I'm not sure, but I believe this is a story in progress. Yes. And as such, I'd look forward to seeing where this story goes. A comment here, is that the story seems to drift, in that I didn't get a sence of the direction in which Beth was going. She moves from child to married life, or with child so very quickly that towards the end, I'm left with the question of what next?
Overall, I'd be inclined to continue reading just to see what other adventures occur in her life. As a compliment, your scene setting skills and descriptions are wonderful. You made my thoughts drift away to common memories.-- Sanford
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Review of Love In Namibia  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The dexterity with words is amazing. You've captured in such a short set of phrases of a man on the edge of a taboo relationship. The last line almost hints at obsession with in that he is looking at this behind the lens of the camera. Well done, if the sensuous and emotion filled drama.-- Sanford
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