|I like the sense of the scene in place that you're building in the story, it is very reminiscent of the Mike Hammer stories, but very different. Through the main characters observations and introspection we learn a little bit about him, however I can't help but think that along the way of introspection--(since he's talking to himself most of the time) that he could tell us a little but more directly about who he is. I think placing it somewhere even if it's a fictitious city, would build on the rest of your scene creation.
You asked us as readers, to comment at key points. I started to, when I realize that this particular condition was prevalent through most of this chapter. I would make the comment, that as a writer, your job is to keep me flowing in the story. Unfortunately, over description , wordiness, and too many adjectives like rarely, nicely--(the LY description killers). I got a great rule of editing my work which I will share with you. When editing, you should aim for a production of at least 10% in your work. Admittedly this can be extremely difficult, however in 99% of the cases I've attempted it the results of that being on Viagra.
I'll attempt to give you an example using one of your sentences.
Yuck, these slobbish wasteful people. It's so disgusting to see a man who was once an athlete walking down the street wearing pants whose waistline is hidden by an evergrowing belly and his former prom queen wife who now has a double chin and wears so much make-up that her fat face looks like a porcelain faced asian woman with too much blush and even more unflattering blue eye shadow above lashes that are clumped together from being attacked with a mascara applicator.
Yuck, such wasteful people. It's so disgusting to see a man, once an athlete, with a waistline hidden by and overgrown beer belly. And his wife just sitting there, double chin encrusted in makeup. Hard to believe she was once a prom queen. Now, her body fills the seat booth to tables, making her look like one of those round porcelain china doll's with bright color on her cheeks and thick smears of electric blue eye shadow.
Just a suggestion. I hope this doesn't seem overly critical, as I truly liked the story as it's progressing, and I will read on. I think you've done a great job your here, great start. I hope you find something useful in these comments--Sanford