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Very good work. I liked the story line. The aspects I will comment on is that of; the pace, and the descriptions of pool play. The pace in the beginning was fast. You could have slowed it a bit and taken a bit more time to show us where we were, as opposed to telling us. The pool game and the explanations and events of the trial almost lost me. I might suggest the descriptions of the pool play might be reduced in some fashion, by us of metaphors or similes instead of following, precisely the actions of the balls. The pace was quickened here where more aspects of the court trial could have been revealed, so more could be discerned, by the reader, about justice in the future and Jymile's world in general.
Altogether, a bold story told pretty well.
I hope these comments in some way aides you in reaching your goals.
You paint a wonderful picture of a moment so close and very common but from the uncommon perspective. Your dive into suspending reality for the reader is seamless. the transition is done in such a quiet mannor that one could mark the time as the events unfold. Nice job indeed.
I don't know if I've any tips for you but I've much to learn from you. Awesome work. Stong unflinching in its aim to make us see the world from another perspective. If I had to point at a weak point, it would have to be the last three lines. You could almost do without them or show another more graphic illustration of the dogs mood.
But all in all I like it. I'll read more.---Sanford aka Ironworker156
Surprizing. This was an interesting and highly creative approach to the prompt. I was not sure as I read this and had to read it twice to realize, Yes the world had mutated and man, or what was left of him, had become the prey of other things. Nicly done. I think this would have made a grea story had it been longer giving you time to develope the storyline.
That was awsome, your understanding of the charactor is portrayed wonderfully. I felt as though I was the proverbial fly on the wall. Well done. Well done indeed. My best read for the day. --Sanford aka Ironworker156
Very well told story, The end slide too fast, for me, over the realization of her having kille two innocent people. But it is told well. I just wanted to see her perhaps dumbfounded moment of dicovery of her error and the construction of her irrational assesment of her innocence.
But truly, It makes me wish to read more, and I shall. Well done.
This was well done,--( no pun intended.) The humor rolls through well. It move along at a nice pace which helps maintain the voice of the charactor, but the only comment I can make is that it seems to be somewhat anticlimatic at the end. I t doesn't kick me to laugh or push me to a revelation. Not that the overall was bad at all. It wasn't . I did enjoy it, and I understand you may have had contsraints to fall within. So I say Great work. I hope something I've said will be of use to you. --Sanford
Very humorous and timley store of a gamer. Well done. The charactors were a bit strange but in hindsight they were "dead on" as game charactors. Your story line was enough to pull and hook me as the reader. Excellent. The dialog and introspection was good. And your scene development skill is strong. An the shoe drop at the end was well played. Hope my comments are usfull to you in some way. Great job. --Sanford
This was a pleasure to read. You hook into other readers can quickly and then pull them into a reflection on a period of your past. You provide a vivid image of circumstances and events. A well-done snippet in time, with moments of anger, anguish, and drama. In general it's written well. I look forward to reading more of your work. Great work-- Sanford
I think this a difficult experiment on your part. It seems to make parity over a declared relationship, time is money with respect to a desired relationship, need of attention or perhaps value of attention.
I think it's an elegant work. I may not grasp all the deep elements here, but I can see depth here. After reading this, I thought perhaps a commentary line between each of these stances which would reflect on, or provided description of such a relationship, might add some clarity.
It's small but it's an impressive effort.-- Sanford
You've written a very strong story of delayed passion and love. While at first in the beginning, I felt that the story was taking while to get started. However, your characters, Beth, and her parents were so strong, that it was hard not to continue reading. I'm not sure, but I believe this is a story in progress. Yes. And as such, I'd look forward to seeing where this story goes. A comment here, is that the story seems to drift, in that I didn't get a sence of the direction in which Beth was going. She moves from child to married life, or with child so very quickly that towards the end, I'm left with the question of what next?
Overall, I'd be inclined to continue reading just to see what other adventures occur in her life. As a compliment, your scene setting skills and descriptions are wonderful. You made my thoughts drift away to common memories.-- Sanford
The dexterity with words is amazing. You've captured in such a short set of phrases of a man on the edge of a taboo relationship. The last line almost hints at obsession with in that he is looking at this behind the lens of the camera. Well done, if the sensuous and emotion filled drama.-- Sanford
While this is a gruesome scene, is artfully done. I'm discovering this to be quite a craft, and believe it to require quite an amount of skill. I think it's successfully vivid in such a very short amount of words. In the short tail, a thought that you might insert the word "by", and changed the word stimulating to read "stimulated by". Answer by that word I might drop the word instincts, and that the sentence read, nature warns the father.... Just another creative thought for you. I like this story to.-- Sanford
I've read only one other 100 word story, and I must say that I'm impressed. In such a small amount of words, you hook, stage and deliver incredible punch line. It is both funny and sad at the same time. I'm impressed in that so few words can tell the story of two lives at the same time, while delivering a strong level of drama. Just a suggestion, while it's perfectly clear what you mean and is done well, I just happen to think of a change out between two words that you might like. In the first sentence few hours left before, I'd insert "my", before beautiful bride. And to buy that space I would go to the line, "what do you want?", and change it to "Go, leave us". Just a thought. I loved it. Great work. --Sanford
I congratulate you on a very strong story of a depiction of a part of life which is very difficult for both family and victim. There is a sense of realism in your characters. Most things work well in this exercise. If you can offer constructive criticism, it would be in two places. One thought the dialogue was pretty strong. Something seems to lack in your descriptions of things and there seems to be a feeling I get that you're not sure of what I might understand I should tell the story. An example for the first case would be where you say " her hearing is almost nonexistent". Would this have not been better to describe by example? Someone is talking to her and repeats a number of times for which she doesn't respond. As for the latter part of my criticism, I suggest that a statement like "Wilma sighed, ashamed of her outbursts in a disrespectful prayer." I think you can be confident, that as the reader we understand the nature of the prayer. Perhaps at this description you might describe how she behaves in response to the realization of what she's done. Example; she might suddenly placed her hand over her mouth and almost in tears glanced off away from the mirror. I enjoyed this story, and I hope that you will find my comments of some use. I look forward to reading more of your work -- Sanford
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