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51
51
Review of Price of Passion  
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
While this is a gruesome scene, is artfully done. I'm discovering this to be quite a craft, and believe it to require quite an amount of skill. I think it's successfully vivid in such a very short amount of words. In the short tail, a thought that you might insert the word "by", and changed the word stimulating to read "stimulated by". Answer by that word I might drop the word instincts, and that the sentence read, nature warns the father.... Just another creative thought for you. I like this story to.-- Sanford
52
52
Review by Ironworker
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I've read only one other 100 word story, and I must say that I'm impressed. In such a small amount of words, you hook, stage and deliver incredible punch line. It is both funny and sad at the same time. I'm impressed in that so few words can tell the story of two lives at the same time, while delivering a strong level of drama. Just a suggestion, while it's perfectly clear what you mean and is done well, I just happen to think of a change out between two words that you might like. In the first sentence few hours left before, I'd insert "my", before beautiful bride. And to buy that space I would go to the line, "what do you want?", and change it to "Go, leave us". Just a thought. I loved it. Great work. --Sanford
53
53
Review by Ironworker
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I congratulate you on a very strong story of a depiction of a part of life which is very difficult for both family and victim. There is a sense of realism in your characters. Most things work well in this exercise. If you can offer constructive criticism, it would be in two places. One thought the dialogue was pretty strong. Something seems to lack in your descriptions of things and there seems to be a feeling I get that you're not sure of what I might understand I should tell the story. An example for the first case would be where you say " her hearing is almost nonexistent". Would this have not been better to describe by example? Someone is talking to her and repeats a number of times for which she doesn't respond. As for the latter part of my criticism, I suggest that a statement like "Wilma sighed, ashamed of her outbursts in a disrespectful prayer." I think you can be confident, that as the reader we understand the nature of the prayer. Perhaps at this description you might describe how she behaves in response to the realization of what she's done. Example; she might suddenly placed her hand over her mouth and almost in tears glanced off away from the mirror. I enjoyed this story, and I hope that you will find my comments of some use. I look forward to reading more of your work -- Sanford
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