|The story is mostly told in flashbacks, and is interesting.
There were no needless details, methinks, so the pace was okay.
I only am disturbed by how sometimes the reader is very likely to find it hard to know whether it is a flashback going on or a real time scene.
His platoon had been inserted in the far northern corner of the city. Their objective: head southwest toward the railway station. Take it and hold it, preventing its use as an escape route once the heavy attack starts. Not far from the station, they received incoming fire.
"Yes, sir," Alan answered.
"Take Second squad and cover the two-story building on the left. Dobson, Taylor! Take First and Third Squads. The building on the right, directly across from Second Squad's target - clear the building!"
If the tense should be correct, I think it should've read: ‘Yes Sir,’ Alan had answered.
“Let me get you some ice water. Then we'll see if we can get you sitting up." Leaving the room, he heard her calling for the doctor.
Alan got up and turned the potatoes one more time. "Another two minutes and they will be done," he said as he took a plate from the cabinet beside the stove. After eating, Alan cleaned the dishes, grabbed his bottle of Four Roses with his favorite glass, and went outside to watch the sunset from his porch. Pouring himself a very generous shot, he sat... and thought.
The ‘had’ is missing somewhere in this passage too. Dust these, and you are more steps near to making this story what it can be.
Mikel Bardsdale 📝