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26
26
Review by RICH
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Dreams are supposed to be the mind's safety valve, so I have been told.

A nightmare is really blowing off some serious steam.

Edit:

Having read this serious story, I had a problem with a few minor items which tripped me, and made my thoughts wander into the ditch.

Word choices, sentence structure -

Re-reading is required to pick up on these.

---- My headlights create a lit tunnel ~ (no comment on your 'headlights')

Surely the car's headlights will be of more concern ?

---- looking for a twin set of reflections warning me of impending danger.

'twin/set' is duplication

Somehow the sentence needs adjusting, it is setting the scene of things to come - my suggestion;

---- looking for that set of reflections that will warn me of impending danger. (or something ?)

Look at paragraph starters (Suddenly) and paragraph closings.

---- For a moment, my paralysis releases. I start to relax.

Relax ?

This sentence does not fit into the story, as it is a recurring nightmare, the tension will surely escalate ?

Review:

The first read was good, then the nit-picking started.

This is my idea.

---- My foot is (flat-out)on the gas, but(and) I'm completely unable to move it.(Why 'but' ?)

Spacing is a writer's tool, it should be used to emphasize certain sentences or whatever requires lifting out from the general form.

---- It's the same every time. (1?)

It's deep in the night when the darkness coats everything with inky, smothering blackness.

I'm driving down a straight road lined with dark(,) looming trees on both sides. Each side of the road has a large(,) deep ditch for siphoning rainwater from the road. My (The car's) headlights create a lit tunnel through the groping branches of the trees above and I(the car/it/we ?) hurtle(s) through the arched darkness with a speed (over which )I have no control(.) over. (omit 'over')

(1?) I was asking myself this question "How frequent does this dream occur ? (Or is it none of my concern ?)

Adjectives - ? An open question, and that pesky comma.

Do re-read the item.

There is nothing wrong, only a little shake here and there.

I have had a few nightmares, still - nothing like this.

Anybody we know ?

Enjoy and go well,

Regards,

Rich
27
27
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.



Hello,

Always the nasty first, the edit.

Edit:

Re-reading, read aloud - this is the general advice to all writers. There are many items written on editing, and this is one of the corner stones to editing - read, re-read, and aloud.

I am no expert on poetry.

Still, I do read.

Is the flow there, is the form correct, are the words in order and correct, is the tense correct.

What did I find ?

It was good, well thought out.

The flow was can be improved on. A few extra words (according to me) which I tripped over.

Try this - remove all the 'too' except the last one:

----I would be suicidal,
but I'm afraid to die.

----A mother caught up in work,
do not see her child's hurt.
A sister beat up at school
cannot see her life's worth.

This is a suggestion, see it as such, play around, beware repetitive lines, tho in poetry it could be the required form.

Correct and words in order - spelling.

----A girl too strong to give in to pain.(into)

No spelling mistakes, only the wrong order.

Reviewing:

It was clear, clarity is important to me, as I am not a poet and do not see the item with a poet's eye.

The message is all too common to most, yet - we have to live.

Do not be afraid, see it through.


Keep it up. Again, well written.

Regards,

Rich
28
28
Review of Monthsary Letter  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

A short letter, the type of letter where spelling, language use, or any form of presentation is of no importance, except the meaning.

The meaning, the feeling - is all - nothing else matters.

We should all try to remember to write such a letter more frequently.

Even if there is no one else, we should write is to ourselves.

Everyone deserves it daily, monthly will be fine.

Go well,

Regards,

Rich
29
29
Review of Dollar Bill  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

I would agree, this begs to be made into more, the possibilities are endless.
Edit:

Introduction;
A suggestion - what about highlighting the introductory sentence by splitting the sentences -

Why do I love Starbucks?

Perhaps it’s the aroma of the fresh brewed coffee that caresses your face as you enter, never burnt, just strong ......... >

Words choice;
A thing to look at, in the first paragraph, you have four start-words; ie; Perhaps/perhaps/After all/Maybe. Not a major, still, try to differ all four.

'grabbed'... maybe 'took a soda from the fridge, and .....>'

Punctuation;
Such a basic requirement. In general, look at the closing of sentences. There are a few commas where there should be periods.

E.g. - and seventy-five cents Ray,” the girl
exact change,” I said, knowing that

Italics;
Thoughts are usually presented in 'italic form'. This may work for the messages received via the computer. A suggestion here?

Tenses;
watch some television. (watched)
know exactly when and where (knew)
computer is left continually on (was)
send me an e-mail (sent)
Rochelle must be in on whatever this is. After all, she handed me the dollar bill. (Rachel must have been in on this. After all, she did hand me the dollar bill.)

Sentence sense;
I do this as well. And I was shown the error of my ways. I pass this good advice on.

Do not add 'thought breakers' into a story line, unless it has some, or any sense, to improve the story.

-----Today was Friday, and the entire business community in our town wears blue jeans to work on Fridays. Unfortunately we also know that Fridays are three times longer than any other day of the week. -----

What is this in aid of? And the paragraph needs attention.

Sentence structures;
This is very much a personal style thing. Still, do consider looking at this.

On a re-read you should see this more clearly, as I am only adding one example.

----- I handed her three of the dollar-bills she gave me yesterday, except for the bill with the web address and password which still sat next to my monitor on my desk, and fished in my pocket for the eighty-eight cents change.

------ I handed her three of the dollar-bills she gave me the previous day.For the change(or exact amount), I fished around in my pocket. The bill with the web address and password, I had left at home. -----

Try a few.
This is how I would re-do it, as I would very possibly do it the same way to start with. Wordy, and run-on.

Review;
This is a good opening to many ideas to follow. Re-read it well, the edits are minor issues.

The story is there, go with it.

http://www.protrainco.com/essays/serial-comma.htm

Something to look at.

Let me know when this goes on. Would like to see where you are going to take it.

Regards,

Rich
30
30
Review by RICH
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

From a reader, who wants to be a writer, and I know little to nothing about poetry.

I do know about crocodiles and things.

I had visions of Peter Pan, and clocks, and crocs. Of time barking behind me, as do your croc, ever closer.

Edit:

If stanzas one and five were identical, I could almost see them as a 'chorus'. Now there is a hiccup. I refer back to the first, and back..... ?

A small word - 'but'. Have a look, if you were to omit/remove the 'but' - yes, all three - would the meaning not be more accurate and even more enhanced? What purpose do the 'but' serve?

Review:

I got caught by the word 'Crocodile', (a visit to my port would sort that remark out) and then the marching of time, the road already taken, and the road ahead.

I enjoyed reading the item.

I can relate to it, from my perspective. If I misinterpret anything, that explains why I am not a poet.

Eternal words: 'To die will be an awfully big adventure' Peter Pan - J M Barrie.

A well done item, and congratulations on an impressive portfolio.

Regards,

Rich
31
31
Review of Hide & Seek  
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

A re-read you did, and few less things to fix, it is much better.

The thing is, sometimes a person will read right over an error or edit point. It takes a certain type of reading, to pick up on edits that are required; and even then, you can still miss a few.

On that note, let us look again.

Edit:

”Home base??” double question mark

”No, *you’re playing a game,... *you're; that is in bold, italics - any reason

”Oh, that’s the rule is it? I’m not playing so I can’t find you?” -
A suggestion here, in many cases you have run-on questions, these could easily be turned into one sentence with one single question mark.

*silence envelopes the two as each ponders what has been said*
Suggest you delete the stars and start it with a capital as a normal sentence, as it should be;
Silence envelopes the two; as each ponders what has been said.

Comma usage;

I did run it through Microsoft Office Word 2007. (You should try it as an aid) and it suggested a few comma changes; which I ignored at this stage; as comma usage is debatable .... is it (,) or (;)?

Review:

Quite an interesting item. We all play the hide and seek, and all get to home base, some easier or better than other.

It unfolded nicely into the ending. Not a total surprise, it was still well done.

From a technical point, a difficult item to control, making it that more important not to make mistakes, as these stand out easily.

Well done, all 'n all.

A good piece of writing that I enjoyed.

Regards,

Rich
32
32
Review of A wedding day  
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

Review and edit time again.

Typo's;

Drewturned hger face towards him, ---- Drew turned her .....

loyality oath,” --- loyalty.....

ops ---- oops

Capitals are required in a few places, I'm sure when you re-read , you should find the capitals.

A suggestion --- have you ever tried Micro Soft Office Word 2007. It is free, and it helps with basic spacing, spelling, and even a few sentence choices.

Even I have found a few aids, which help a great deal, those little things we run over and miss.

Give me a call once you have done the basics, and look at the storyline, it has a hiccup or two.

Regards, Rich
33
33
Review of Dear Me  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Can we call it a Bucket List ?

It is almost the middle of this year. How are you standing up to yourself ?

Edit:

You can use the language, from what I can see.

On that, all you need to do, is do it, if you have not already.

Review:

Your goals are great, reasonable, withing grasp, and impossible.

Great to see a reasonable list. Nothing impossible, all within your grasp.


Unless of course life gets in the way, it has a way of doing its own thing.

Words of the wise ?

A cliche or two maybe, I still have to grow up myself, and when I'm grown, I will see about the 'wise words'.

In the meanwhile, do the best you can, and the rest is up to all the other factors.

And be at peace with whatever happens.

Regards,

Rich
34
34
Review of In the Beginning  
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Yes, one can agree sometimes, why wait, why not sort it out sooner? Then, a word given, is a word to follow on.

Edit:

A bit of nit-picking -

Capital letter: For endearment names, “It’s nothing dear,”

Comma placements: There are a few required; a good re-read should show them.

Italics: It is suggested that 'thoughts' are expressed in 'italic form' - puts 'it' more clearly into perspective

Review:

A pleasant picture, well told.

There is only one sentence I may add one word, if I could; That would put the fear of God back* in them just fine.”

Yes, that was the good old days. There would not have been much left of mankind if the Old Testament rules were applied.

Regards,

Rich
35
35
Review of An Exotic Pet  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

An animal story, I snapped it up. I am a sucker for animal stories.

This one had me, and at the end, I knew I had read a proper animal story for a change. Well told. Is that Miss; or Master; Wolf?

Edit:

Almost faultless, an odd comma here and there, nothing major.

One thing I would like to suggest. Look at the use/abuse of 'but'.

There is an awful lot of them, some can be omitted, other can be replaced, or even a comma or period used instead. Have a look. Sometimes - only a 'but' will do, then it is fine.

Review.

For me, a totally enjoyable story, keeping me guessing till the final exposè.

(Not sure about that 'exposè') Had a bear in mind - for a while *Blush*

It is well done, as not often is this POV used. Showing what a bit of effort, imagination, and thinking, can do.

Again, well done.

Regards,

Rich
36
36
Review of Bucket List Tips  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

EDIT:

Spacing: This is your choice, if it is for assignment, well?

If possible, always space well.

It is easier to read.
Looks better.
And I forgot the other reasons!

Comma rule no. (?):

It is generally advised, 'when writing 'lists', the last item should be added with an 'and'.

This can be in the form of food, family, (and) a good job, to even something as greedy as a good high paying salary.

The others have it. No big thing. Still, we got to do all the buttons.

I was born into a bucket list, and have lived and is still living it.

I hope you enjoy your bucket's list, as writing should be included in some way into the 'list'.

As for the glory, we will leave that to those that write our epitaph ?

Regards,

Rich.
37
37
Review of He Sits  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello.

These men I have seen in the park, well, not quite like this one.

The other who have removed themselves out of the mainstream of life.

Some were doctors once, even a professor or two, men who have lost their faith or themselves, or maybe even their love.

The story is nicely done except for the 'list' - why not a paragraph, it looks like a prescription list for something.

Well done, otherwise.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
38
38
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)

EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Edit:

There are errors noted already, that is handy.

Almost faultless, well, it would be - if I could ignore the 'but'.

Review:

An excellent story, well told, and the underlying element of the one-upmanship that always
seems to rear its head in these situations.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich
39
39
Review of Pet Party  
Review by RICH
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

A human, well okay. I assume you got one those bargain-basement units. They are pretty to look at, yet, soon they become spoiled, if not trained properly.

I hope you have the latest handbook: 'Homo Sapiens - Dog's best friend.'

They are trainable, still - be warned, they need a lot of attention, especially if you got a female.

Edit:

A suggestion, mostly it won't be a problem, still - now and then - it can cause a reading hiccup. ..... 'pet-party' ..... link them together. This is a short item, and 'pet-party' is not used much, still, it can cause hiccups.

'But' - There are not many of them around, still, they are there. 'But' can mostly be replaced by another means, give it a consideration. There are times when nothing else will do, yet, writing is usually improved by the replacement of that 'word'.

Review:

As honey draws a bee, so animal/pet stories will draw me.

An original idea.

I enjoyed the read.

I realize it is a contest item, and therefore limits the story sometimes.

Well written, non-the-less.

I must say, in parting, I do have humans as pets. I would have recommended the dog!

Regards,

Rich
40
40
Review of The Thread Box  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Heirlooms, whether real or in spirit, are always good to talk about. Even better to have a few in ones life.

Edit:

The only mention I have is - spacing.

Spacing; It is a total requirement when presenting an item. It's like a garment chosen, and if the balance is not correct, it does look odd. Have a look, and keep it in mind.

Review:

A pleasant story, told in a pleasant style.

We should not saddle the young with the lack of the past, there I agree with you fully.

Well written.

Regards,

Rich
41
41
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

As I am writing, India is taking the Netherlands on. There, in the living room, a few cricket-zombies are glued to the TV screen.

Here I am, reviewing an item on the negative impact cricket has on a country.

Edit:

Always the nasty first.

It is suggested, when a long series of items are mentioned, this is the way to do it.

;in every village; and city; in streets; and empty sites; during day and night; I could say;

The rules on commas are sometimes not hard and fast, yet, for a longer series, this is recommended.

You will note that I did not break up 'day and night', as it is a unit. As is 'hard and fast'.

On a re-read - you will possibly see a few more punctuation can be added.

I do advocate using addition types of punctuation:
....reputed players like - Sachin Tendulkar - or - Steve Waugh - with zeal and passion.
It makes the names stand out.

Review:

You have presented your case well. This item could lead into a full scale book on cricket, as you already have the introductions to the chapters.

Well written, and clearly set out.

And when South Africa takes on India, I will most probably be hooting for SA.

Regards,

Rich
42
42
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

An animal story, it draws me - as a fly to jam!

As it is a contest entry, and the basics are of no use anymore, except for future use; a few comments.

Comma use:
Not a major issue, still, a reread may show a few that you need.

Logical flow:
1)You go from Dr. Hodges to Thomas, and then to Dr Hodges. It does break the flow, as for a single moment, dull readers like me, has to think .... who?
2) The military do not wear their medals on visits to people, only on very special occasions.

Punctuation use:
A suggestion. Punctuation is handy in some cases for various reasons. Have a look at my idea.
............. It’s people like me ... who allow people like you ... the freedom to pursue their dreams.”

Now , this can become a fuller story. It is already a good basis to work from.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich
43
43
Review of Livingroom  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Days go by so quickly, still, when we look to the future, it seems as if forever will never be.

All too soon, it will be - forever will be gone. Only memories; regrets; children; and if we are lucky, a love by our side.

Edit:

The art of re-reading - it does not guarentee success, it only says we tried once more, maybe once more is all that is needed for a perfect score.

With one more re-read, you may have found;

..... We had the world at are finger tips,(our)
..... items more sturdy as we could afford.( better/more - need something here ? )
..... tried my best to have it in the door( I know what you mean, still ? )

Punctuation:

An under-used writing tool. Especially in a story such as this, where you need emphasis on a word or part of a sentence; a few examples: -

..... The old home-made furniture gave way to items more sturdy, as we could afford better.
..... I - sitting on the end - by the window, you - stretched out - with your head in my lap. It was a simple time ... and we lead simple lives.

Okay, that would be my idea .... well - what do you think?

There are more adjustments required, either as punctuation or as new sentences;

..... As I stared out, I remembered the once strong feeling of sunlight that had penetrated this room. It was still an empty shell then, calling in agony to be filled ... like a painter’s canvas.

Again, my idea.

Review:

The story, as it is, is good. It rings true, as I am at that end already.

It reminds me of a line from a song 'AH! I remember it well ...." (worth a Google, if you do not know it )

We cannot fix yesterday, yet, we can start today, to fix tomorrow.

This reminds me of that. Good story.

You have the ability to write, enjoy it and take care. (re-read well)

Regards,

Rich







44
44
Review by RICH
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

I found this extremely interesting, as my wife suffers from migraine all of her lifetime.

Fortunately, none of the children inherited this condition.

Some of these stories I have heard, as we followed much the same paths as you describe.

And for following a more natural diet, that is another story.

Edit:

First the nasty.

Spacing:

Try a bit more spacing. It looks fine on other places, here block writing makes for difficult reading. Many will shy away because of it.

Re-reading:

It is a basic tool in the writer's toolbox. Or the final make-up, before sending the item out into the public. There are many prescribed methods of doing it, there is even an article in my port. (id/1624039-READ-ALOUD)

one of a few you may find......

****My general rule of thumb with labels is if I can’t pronounce the list of ingredients, leave it stays on the store shelf.

Punctuation:

Again, on a good re-read, you will find the odd punctuation.

Word choice:

Re-reading helps with this as well.

I can now sometimes go 3 months without a migraine.// I can now sometimes go for up to 3 months without a migraine. (?) my idea, what do you think ?

Spelling:

Not a problem, still, the devil needs his due - 'food dyes'

Review:

This item/article needs to be highlighted a bit more, as it contains sound advice.

Correct eating is the pathway to avoid many ailments, yet, it is not always possible.

Even industry does not support it.

Your experience and advice have been dearly bought, hope that it benefits many more.

Well done. Small things to fix for a perfect score.

Regards,

Rich.
45
45
Review by RICH
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hello,

Firstly, poetry is a dark continent to me.

I read, and sometimes I will see the mind and the words, and the meaning of the thoughts.

The fact that this is based on fact, makes it all the more deeper.

Well done, it flowed well through my mind, and I enjoyed the reading of it.

Keep at it, you have the ideas.

Regards,

Rich
46
46
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Groundhogs look cute to me, as I have only seen them on photos or movies/tv/nat.geo.

We have a similar looking animal, which we call a ground squirrel.

Edit:

You need to re-read this item.

Re-reading is a basic, yet, vital tool in your writing arsenal.

Do read up on re-reading, it will save you a lot of time and negative points.

To start off with, punctuation/sentence/control/spacing

"Rise and shine campers, it’s Groundhog’s Day!”

As I pushed the snooze button, I rolled out of bed, and looked at the clock. Six o’clock to be exact. Not being much of a morning person, still - great. Had the whole day to finish the story. My agent had insisted on meeting in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.

Thinking - it was ironic that I had the same name as the Groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil.

This is my idea. Have a look at it. Subject combination - shorter sentences - split paragraphs.

Review:

You have the ideas, you have the language - now, control them.

As you reread this now, you will pick up , hopefully, what you can do, and need to do, to get the best out of your story.

As this was for a contest, and time might have been a factor, maybe ?

This is a basic comment.

Should you wish to re-look this story, I would gladly look at it again.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
47
47
Review of Letter to Me  
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello,

A time machine would be a handy item to have, then you could really give this to yourself.... would you have listened then ?

You have covered most bases adequately, even for the 'Future Older V', she should listen to you.

I read just lately; (again)
We cannot change yesterday, and today may be a problem ~ still ~ tomorrow is ours, to with as we please. (and then something comes along to spoil it for us)

That is life, and with that we have to deal.

You write well, what about tackling your 'condition' head on and doing a 'work piece' on it.

Would it be a good idea ?

Discuss this with the relative people involved.

Personally, I believe, if I know a subject, then I can control it as best as I can.

Go well.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
48
48
Review of Valentine's Day  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (3.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Edit:

I can find no fault in your writing; spelling; punctuation; or any other facet of your writing.

Review:

Hallmark cannot be blamed for St. Valentine's day.

That they climbed upon the money train and profit from the occasion, (as they do from many other) is surely no sin.

Commerce needs to spin; money must flow, salaries to spend; lovers must be; all the world loves lovers, so we say.*SuitHeart*

Otherwise we will all be Scrooges, with banks full of money and empty hearts.

And what happened to 2010 and will there be a 2011 ?

This needs to be followed up, the world wants to know.

Go well,

Regards,

Rich
49
49
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (3.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Before we look at the introduction to this story, (which I assume it is, an introduction ?) a remark about writing. There is only one way to write, and that is to write.... as for good writing, that comes with practice, and a bit of help, which you will find all over the web, and especially at Wdc.

Edit:

Firstly, the nasty -

Spacing*;

The scent of lavender was overpowering as she woke, *settling upon her senses like a fog. *Wait! The room she woke up in was not hers, and the soft bed wasn't hers.

There are more to look for, which a good re-read will show you.

Punctuation;

Not a major problem, still, there are a few lacking. Again, these you will pick up while re-reading.

Review:

Have a look at general statements.

Wait! ...... A million questions ..... Although the idea is there, sometimes 'less is more'.

My suggestion: (Play around with it, as the first person draws the reader more into the story.)

Questions rushed through her head, "Where am I, ...."(or in the italic form, as thoughts.)

At the closing, there is 'a thought', not in italics (an edit)

The story is there; the idea is there; the idea needs to be developed more and clearer, and the rest of the story must now follow....

You are doing it, keep at it.

Regards,

Rich
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Review of Sarah and Johnny  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.
Hello,

The reason for picking this story, is because I have based my characters on Johnny and Sue. Mine are fictitious and are reworked jokes and odd bits.

Edit:

Always the nasty first.

Capital letters for first names.

Titles of people when used with their names or in place of their names must begin with a capital letter. (Rules of Capital usage in English)

ie. Mom; Dad; my Love; Sweetheart; etc.

Comma placements:

The best way to pick up on commas are by re-reading. There are a few places where I would add commas, and one where I would remove it. Commas are almost personal, then - not always.

..... Sarah cleared her throat, and looked at Johnny - with the sparkle back in her eyes - “Honey, can we get her potty trained first?”

Here I would suggest another, more prominent, punctuation - as you want to highlight the - 'punch-line'.

Review:

A sweet story, through and through!

Nothing like a relationship built on a solid history.

The closing line was the cherry on the cake, 'a lady with a sense of humor, as rare as ....' very rare.

Well written, and the portrayal of the scenes, very clear and to the point.

Well done,

Regards,

Rich
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