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598 Public Reviews Given
638 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
51
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Good!

A subject to build a story on.

How much do you want to do with this story?

As it is at the moment, it could be a spring-board to a much fuller story.

You do have the elements here.

Edit:

A few thoughts, as you write well.

My personal hobby-horse - the word 'but'.(It is not only mine.)

Look at your use of 'but'. It is your choice, still, your item would be much enhanced by replacing, removal, or even omission of the word 'but'.

There are a few times when nothing else will do, that is true.

“But Mum ...” .... This is a typical case where 'but' is the correct word.

Sometimes, a small bit extra goes a long way;.....she broke her ankle.

Maybe it is only me, yet I am stuck with 'HOW?' Maybe a bit more information?

Review:

There are a few things, where people will say this or that, about your personal style of expression. Your style is something you must develop as you see fit.

You have the ability for expression, and you have the base of a much fuller story, should you wish to expand on this.

There is not much more which you need - except - keep on writing!

You are doing it!

Regards,

Rich
52
52
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

A fair bit of writing that you have done already, although I have only read the prologue. Why call it a prologue? It is already part of the story.

Edit:

Editing requires reading, and re-reading, a few times maybe. There are ways recommended to do it. There is an article in my portfolio which teaches you how to do it. It is called 'Read Aloud'. Someone wiser than me wrote it. I only suggest it.

Punctuation - to master punctuation, you must learn to use it as a tool to improve your writing, and to clearly show the flow of your story. In general, your punctuation does not need much work, still, there are a few places where you need it. Re-reading it will help you to get them.

Clarity:

'As she sat slouched sideways in the chair, she had one leg thrown over the arm the toe of her booted foot almost reached the floor.'

Read it......

She slouched sideways in the chair, one leg draped over the chair's arm, with the toe of her boot almost reaching the floor, leaned her head on the heavily cushioned arm and watched the flames dance in a rough stone fireplace, where an ash log fire was burning.

(tighten up the sentences in a few places - repetition - again, my idea.)

Words to look at:
... She drug herself from her memories 'dragged'

... Oricle 'Oracle'

But:

The use of -but- have a look. There are many ways not to use -but-, and many reasons not to. Re-look -but- and see whether another word, punctuation, or omission, would not improve the reading.

Review:

The story has started, and you are on your way. You have ample ideas, and roads, to follow. So far, so good.

Look at the technical side of your writing to present your story well. As for imagination, it seems you have enough.

Well done. Keep at it, you are doing it!

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
53
53
Review of The Hunt!  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

As an animal(naturalist) person, I am always interested in a story from nature's treasure chest.

The hunters of the sky are truly a sight to be seen in action. Even as I live amongst them, I have seen only a few actual 'catches' in my life.

Edit:

Typo; ....; not everything .2x. was as it should be.(space)

.He was a good mate,(period as a start?)

A word which can become a slight in a story -but-. Have a look at the use of -but- and maybe you would agree, by replacing it with a simile, sometimes, leaving it out altogether, or a punctuation, could enhance your writing.

Not too many 'just', again - repetition in the beginning paragraph.

Everything seemed normal, familia.(is this fimiliar?)

Review:

A struggle for survival, that is their daily battle, the hunters are romanticized, yet, they have a real hard life, every day being the possible last day of life. A well told story. A clear insight into a small slice of the peregrine's world.

The typos are sometimes such a pain!

Congratulations on a well thought out story. (and I am biased in the case of nature stories)

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
54
54
Review of Senses  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Poetry is not something I relate well to. I do read it, and some of the poet's senses may reach me. Let us see what we shall find.

Edit:

And then I had to smell the grass twice, .... nothing else came to mind?

The words fits the occasion, the senses.



Review:

Again, out of the mouth of a babe;

A sweet smelling flow of words, I could see myself under the tree, feel the peace (those bloody cars and planes), and smell the smoke of fire. I hope that was a BBQ fire?

A picnic under the tree, that would be for me. Rain, rain go away ...

A good read which could have had more to it. It was a bit short on the senses.

Good poem, I did enjoy the reading.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich

55
55
Review of The memory tree  
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

As an entry for the Throw-down, it is far too sweet and nice.

Keeping in mind the company you keep, more blood and gore would be the call on the menu.

Edit:

Most of it has been cleaned up neatly.

Only one little item, my personal irky.
The word 'but'. Have a look at it, not to many around, yet, have a look.

'....when you asked pa.' Sure Pa could get a capital.

Review:

An all round good read. As a throwdown entry, sorry!

As a short story in its own right, something that would stand its own ground.

This is the type of story that fills up a portfolio and shows diversity.

The danger is being typecast as a this or that writer.

This shows the other side a bit more clearly.

There's more than action only, there's a bit L'amor as well.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich.
56
56
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

An adventure in the making! A few basic comments which will help to improve your presentation.

Re-reading, a good habit to acquire. You may ask 'how many times'? As many times as you are satisfied with. In which manner? There is an article in my port, which may help, called 'Read Aloud'. Not mine, a classic in itself. Do re-read more.

Edit:

Always the 'nasties' first. With a good re-read you should pick up a few mistakes . Little things, as you type well, and write well.

I am going to suggest a habit change - do not use 'but' unless there is no other way! 'but' is a frowned-upon word, which can be easily replaced.

Spacing //. Not a common mistake that you make, then, there in the first paragraph...

Comma placements: Note the added commas or removal.(Look at the American vs English usage)

The stars shone bright, and aloof, in the sky, illuminating little of Darkham Forest. The stark trees reached up,//imploring, begging, for their secrets to be revealed. Only this night there was no answer to their silent cry. The peaceful sounds of the slumbering woods were broken by the thunder of hoof beats; the nightjars fell silent, the crickets stilled their legs, and the frogs stopped in mid croak.

I am sure you can look for more.

Review:

Personal style is something I normally do not mess with in short stories.

Your style is good, some may say this or that about your style.

Style: My suggestion, it is yours, and as you progress, so will your style - change or not.

As for verisimilitude, look at your action scenes carefully.

.... Persevering, he urged his stallion back into a gallop, though he had precious little speed left to give. (read again, who ?)

.... Abruptly, his mount stumbled and went down squealing, throwing him over his shoulder.... (Who threw who over whose shoulder?)

I know what you mean, and so would most readers, still, for a moment, I stopped.

Good writing, nothing a good re-read cannot fix.

Story telling: You have it. Keep going.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
57
57
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.
Hello,

Gotto love a good dragon story, it is so close to me. I remember when I went out on my Damsel and Dragon hunts, that was long ago. The drinking always somehow always messed up the hunt, that 'last one for the Damsel and last one for the Dragon.' That will explain how I got married to a Dragon, as for the Damsel, I am still looking,...looking only, as I says to the Dragon.

As an ex-dragon hunter, as the last man willing and able, under these conditions, I would have a more somber occasion, a more steady and supportive cast would be nice.
A bawling wife, please!
Okay, that is how I would see it, as for him going up to the Dragon with an unsheathed sword, oi, not good!
And dragging Nada off into the woods?
The balance of the story is good.
Maybe a few re-looks all round as the story is sound, here and there, a few re-does.
That part about the King, it needs a re-read and a re-do.
Have a look.

Edit:

Not much here;

Jonathan swallowed roughly and nodded. ---- Johnathan swallowed hard

All in all, a good read, it does need a bit of work.

Best,

Regards,

Rich.
58
58
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

An unusual approach to "THE END".

I had it my mind that each of us has an angel - a guardian angel - and they will state our case as would a lawyer on earth, and then the road would be shown.

An enjoyable read that requires a bit of concentration to follow the storyline. A good comical closing for me.

A few things to look at:

People. You never do what I tell you. ---- I would suggest; People! You never .... Exclamation mark.

You mean bathroom. (?) Question mark.

No, no, no, that’s not what I meant! ---- Another comma after the 3rd 'no'.

Use punctuation to give more effect to your writing. It is a handy writing tool.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr

59
59
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

My favorite genre, animal stories.

Edit comment:

Prey and predator alike *take notice. ---- *- take note.(my choice)

In verse 2, an apostrophe should be used. "for I am king here..."

According to Korokoro, (a Turkana tribesman who assisted George Adamson)---'the lion's roar translated into English goes: WHO IS LORD OF THIS LAND?... Who is lord of this land?... I am!...I am!...I am!...I am!...

These are the closing words to BWANA GAME by George Adamson. ('BORN FREE fame)

Review: An enjoyable read. You have captured the spirit and the fact quite clear.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich
60
60
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (5.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

It is known in certain circles ... cows can fly! It is written about, and you can read about it.

High diddle diddle,
The Cat and the Fiddle,
The Cow jump'd over the Moon,
The little dog laugh'd to see such Craft,
And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.(1765 version)

Now, we all know, if it is written long ago and is now repeated on the web system, it must be true.

Also, a few of my cows have gone missing. People tell me it may be rustlers. I would prefer to think that they flew away, got to a better place and stayed there.

The diet ... there has been a study done by the Japanese. Apparently the amount of 'gas' produced by the bovine population is quite impressive. I leave this as a pre-warning for the people you live with. (How did they measure the 'gas'?)

I am interested in obtaining the 'Translator' to assist me in understanding the cows, and maybe the wife, more clearly. A fair price would be considered.

Should you start finding the bull to be 'interesting', cut down on the parsley.

Almost forgot. Well written, nothing I could add or improve on.

Regards,

Rich
61
61
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

My take on this differs from time to time.

I belong to the 'elder' group. I have only recently taken up writing.(Semi-retired, and an ex avid reader)

One step at a time - sometimes, and sometimes - run.

Your thoughts are running, so it seems. That is fine, it will cause you to reread more.

Re-reading, as you know, is very important. It is the final make-up before sending your item out to the world to be seen.

Try to pace your writing. By using shorter sentences, punctuation and spacing.

Let us have a look:

Why am I writing, the answer is why not, some might think it’s because I want to be famous, I mean lots of famous people write books, and it would be nice to be recognised in the street as a famous author rather than been looked at because I am disabled. Although, no to be honest the reason I am writing is because I want the reader it to see, yes I am disabled and yes I can live a full life like everyone else can and does.

My 'suggestion - idea - method' of how to:

Why am I writing?

The answer is - why not?

Some might think it's because I want to be famous. I mean, lots of famous people write books and it would be nice to be recognised in the street as a famous author rather than been looked at because I am disabled.

Although, no - to be honest - the reason I am writing, is because I want the reader to see, and yes, I can live a full life like everyone can and does.

This is my way, not yours. Do have a look and if there is something useful, use it.

Another small thing, (or big) you are writing 'English' and you will be told this and that by the 'American' authors. Either put a rider at the start, or live with it.

Give a shout if you should re-do the item and would like another look.

Go well and enjoy your writing.

Regards.

Rich / j2rr
62
62
Review of Relaxation  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

An amusing little story, the ever happy cat, at its happiest to be left alone.

You get a wife, you acquire a dog and the kids come of their own accord.

Then the cat comes in and takes over. (Well, not always.)

Pleasant read.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
63
63
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
EDIT:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
REVIEWING:Revision with a view to improvement.

Hello,

Love, the eternal aim and star up high, the struggle to achieve and control the perfect state. And the fear that it may fail or be too little or too much.

Then you turn into your own enemy ......

I am sure there are very few who have not walked this road. And even the ending - such bad timing.

Little edit comments:

''Things got worse and became ugly that. It became unbearable and so I needed to see her go, not because I stopped loving her, but ....''

Needs a re-read and re-do. These long sentences are problematic in a few cases. This one went wrong.

Look at using the word 'but'. It is a nasty word, there are many ways to bypass 'but'. Not always, yet or still, it can be done mostly.

Good writing, can do with a good re-read and a few more punctuations.

Keep it going.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
64
64
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

A good movie should entertain - it is true.

We must remember that somewhere in all of this, there was a mind that conjured this into being.

More importantly - we live or would want to live in that world, the world of the writer.

There you could fashion your own story, with your own cast, in a far away place or close to home - who cares - it is your story.

Edit comments;

Spacing: (Suggestions)

The first and second paragraphs can be split into smaller subgroups.

Grouping:

Have all Angelina's info, comments and remarks in one paragraph. In fairness to her.

As a tribute to the female actress - it needs a bit more 'flesh' - detail.

There is nothing wrong here, a bit of spacing would enhance the presentation and there is much more you could add.

Regards,

Rich.
65
65
Review of Triple Danger  
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

All 'n all, an experience not to have at all.

Generally it reads well.

A few odd and strange items;

'the person, another woman,' why this?

'a door burst open' + running up to him.' ... the door + and why the rush ?

Have a look at your action verbs - and all he said was 'ow!' ..... he is a tough one.

Re-read and re-look, I am sure you can improve on it.

Well done, you have the imagination, represent it more carefully.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
66
66
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

I do not have this habit of talking to myself, since myself has decided that I talk too much, I do not keep to me schedule, I procrastinate most of the time and a few other such-like bad behaviour.

So .... myself does not talk to me anymore.

My list of excuses are really a marvel, best I have ever seen.

If you run out of good excuses, feel free to contact me, I have them on a reduced, sales price.

Wait, I was going to say, I hope you have made it up to here, and Nano is close!

There was nothing I could say about your writing, only, WELL WRITTEN and you should listen to yourself. Or else you will end up like me.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
67
67
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

Welcome back.

A few comments. A good reread is required as there are a few hitches along the
way.

Is it of any importance for the reader to know the where, the how, all the gory details of Patrick's death or will we leave it as is?

Paragraph 6 needs a face-lift, did she find him there, or do we leave it there?

One paragraph that leaves me wondering ...

'The only reason she could think of for her Master to do something of this nature to the one she loved was that he had finally realized she wasn't going to turn her human lover. She loved the man just the way he was and that, apparently, didn't fit into his plans. But, it was all over now.'

Relook:

It creates more questions than answers. 'Turn her lover?' How, into what, reread , the sentence needs a re-look and re-do. Punctuation?

Most of the writing is good, yet, look at a statement such as,; 'She hadn't cried since her mother had died, oh so many years ago. It seemed like eons since then,...'

It creates questions, again, why, what, how - it breaks the flow. Either add to it or round it off.

6th and last paragraph 'Are you sure about this, sir?' "Aye, sir,"

'Sir' needs to be capital. Works in progress should not need a rating yet.

Otherwise, you have a story going, keep at it.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
68
68
Review of Teenagers  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

As a father, stupid, unenlightened, out of date, inconsiderate and unfeeling lowlife of a creature that I am (i.e. caring parent)
- this sounds all so - "where have I heard that before?"

Again, poetry is not my field, yet, the sentiment I can share.

As an ex-teenager, I cannot remember that things were that lax, so easy, so little effort.

I had to work and slave to earn my keep, or am I forgetting how easy it was?

Amusing, been there, still is there, have a 'T-shirt' stating '''it is all Dad's way!'''.

Cannot remember where I got it, it must have been on Father's Day.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
69
69
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hell,

Edit (nasties):

A good reread is required and there will be a few punctuations that you will find.

Mary, Him, I (and i will give you peace.) - capital - typo, it happens.

Block writing is difficult to read and many readers will shy away from it.

Do try spacing, the cost is the same, it presents better and reads easier.

And when rereading, the errors are quicker to find.

As for the message, we do forget.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
70
70
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I landed on your port by accident. Sometimes, some accidents are worth it.

Edit comment:

Last line - 'I' - capital. As previously stated, I am no poetry expert, so - no comments there.

Old man that I am ...... I have lived and yet there is still so much life to live.

Now I advise - as you do - do they listen? .... not to an old man, not today.

Well written and a pleasant read.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
71
71
Review of Stupid One  
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello,

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words - will break my spirit and my heart.

I would truly recommend this poem as general reading to both mothers and fathers for we do forget too easily and frequent reminders are required.

I found this stirring and as I'm no poet ... no comments on the technical side.

As reader, it is .... very good. As a parent .... we do forget so easily.

Well done.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
72
72
Review by RICH
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,*Smile*

I have always suspected that things are not what they seem.

Glad that you have cleared it up for me.

The only suggestion I would add ...... use more punctuation in the story !

Do reread, there is an article on rereading in my port. It is called 'READ ALOUD' item no.1624039 (Not written by me.)

A few instances where I had to reread to follow the sentence's meaning.

Specifically, the last paragraph.

Enjoyable reading, I appreciate the storyline and humor.

OH - btw, Snow White and the 8 dwarves are holed up with me for a while, and .... no....it has nothing to do with the fact that we have the best WEED in the world ~

Regards and keep at it,

Rich / j2rr
73
73
Review of Life From Death  
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Well balanced story, dark and sad.

I do have a problem with the speed of the fire's approach not being noticed more earlier, then, all 'n all ... let us ignore it for a while.

Edit:

Jasarra lived her whole life for moments such as that, The savored each other's company and needed little else. (a blip of a typo devil)..... moments such as these.They savored each others company .......

Otherwise, well done.

Regards,

Rich
74
74
Review by RICH
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.*Smile*

Hello,

This subject - 'Am I qualified to review and edit?', is asked by most newbies.

You covered it well from your viewpoint.

I would add, (my viewpoint) that not all items are meant to be masterpieces. Many are purely for the sake of writing for whatever reason.

Am I qualified to offer a review?

Personally, everybody who bides by the code of honesty, encouragement and respect is welcome to my port and give any comment they feel will suffice.

Not all are qualified, or feel to, give an indepth edit or review, yet, a honest comment is not to be sneezed at.

Your article and the advice is well balanced. Now how do I rip it to shreds and spend lots of time on it?

I cannot improve upon it and as for editing, well done.

As I would say to a well dressed lady, " There is nothing that I can improve ... Perfect." Do I get slapped. Hope not?

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
75
75
Review by RICH
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I have not seen the story of Oxnard before.

Hamsters I have had, and I am an animal person.

A pleasant read, I am no expert at poetry and I only read the item as an item.

'nock' - is that poetic license or a typo, knock ?

Well done.

Regards,

Rich / j2rr
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