Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.{c;red}
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
Hello,
A few edit comments.
It is customary when writing about GOD, whether it be 1st,2nd or 3rd person, to use capitals; ie, 'His name, it is He.'
A good reread will show a few commas that are needed.
I would suggest - ...weeping and crying, proclaiming;"the ends of sky are upon us." inverted commas (that is supposed to be a 'are'?)
Well written, a few items to fix.
An interesing time in the history of man. Many questions have an answer here, many new questions arise here.
This part of Genesis has always been of interest to me.
Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
Hello,
Edit comments;These little things that editors get paid to look for. As I am only an apprentice editor, take my comments as I note them, not
with perfection, one day I may yet get there. 'Travelled' with two l's is the english version, whereas with one l ie.- 'traveled' is the american
version.
A point of interest only, do keep it in mind if you are edited or reviewed by a person with a different spelling outlook.
Unclear: Read this sentence and have a look -'After all Aomines never yield to anyone how was petty.'(?)
Tense: 'When we (arrived) in Alexandria,....'(typo ?)
An odd comma or two, which you should pick up with a good reread.
A general description of the characters could enhance the story, eg, painting the 'uncle(villian)' and 'Teferlia(heroin)'
I enjoyed your story, well written. Have a good reread and see if you are totally happy, a bit of fattening here and there would be nice. I think if he
had said 'filthy place' he would have started WW III(?) Suggest you split the following paragraph into: Teferlia said....../The uncle grabbed....
Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
One silly remark - colours ... At night the earth colours like brown and green become grey or black. The sky colour, blue, especially the blues
at sea, where the fluorescence of the waves can turn them to all different shades, there I have no problem with your rendition.
The incident of a unusual change meeting such as this, stays forever, in that moment, the parties bond. I wonder if it is mutual? I hope not, that will
lead to all kinds of speculation. Maybe a few more different types of punctuation, will enhance your style of writing.eg. '...when I - myself - do in
fact...die. Just an idea.
Well written, resulting in a pleasant read of a different incidence which not many people experience.
Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.
{c/blue}Growing up in an enviroment where the radio and book was 'it'. Oh yes, there was conversation as well, conversation of a generation who did not
much care to share their stories of the past war. Partying and dancing was my example to life and I did not much care for it.
The books concerning the war grew as I grew, and being a bookworm, I grew up on it. Almost forgot the movies, they were a different source of mental food
offering the more glamourous war stories, till Korea, then the mood starting changing.
The Holocaust, a incident in a 'civilised nation's' history, that will be the pinnacle of how absolute power can corrupt. We blame a nation, yet
the true horrors, although perpetrated over a wide area of interests, were in the hands of a relatively small amount of people. There is no excuse for
genocide, still it happens so easily and can be justified with such ease. 'THEY' - the enemy, must be destroyed, at what cost ?
Should the new generation be informed? How many care anyway, they still party and dance with wild abandon. It is our responsibility to tell and inform,
what they do with it, that is their decision.
More thoughts, by the way, my children could not care a fig, as long as the sun shines and tomorrow is catered for.
{c/red}You write well, your style is easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Surely the internet does give us a reach, only, not the real voice of
Reviewing:Revision with the aim to improvement.
Editing:To prepare as a book for publication and by writing, correcting or selecting the matter.{/b
Review:
A pleasant read, few things beat first 'love' as an experience in life. This is well told and the layout never lost me, it was quite clear throughout. Well done, I enjoyed reading the story.
Edit:(the little things)
Capitals; "Yes Mother I'm sure." First person.
Sentence oops; We tore threw leaves and twigs, (????? look)
Apostrophe; "Are you trying to hold my hand."
A good reread might have picked some of these edit items up. All in all, well written.
Clowns, I have always enjoyed clowns. That is a part of my life that was well catered for. Every year the circus would visit the town, later on,
there were two of them. The characters were so well known to us as kids. Tickey was a great favourite , only about four foot high. A national treasure.
Everybody knew him. No TV, the radio was the only amusement.
Then TV came, wiping out a large portion of the post-war (WW ll ) heritage. Drive-Ins, radio, merry-go-rounds and the circus. Most of today's kids are
now only hearing about these dinosaurs. We saw the circus last year, I enjoyed it more than the kids did. I am sure. Feeding people to lions, will not
impress them. (WWE is better )
About poetry and its styles, I know nothing. About clowns,laughing; tumbling; and playing - when I become President - it will become a compulsory
Sheep, are we just sheep, with a limited view of life. Or can we get past the gates - to make our own world - as we want to make it.
Freedom of choice, thought and action. We make decisions that bind us to our destiny or has destiny already been written.
Wiser and bigger minds than mine have pondered these questions. I still do not know.
Minor items mar your writing. Please aquire the habit of rereading well a few times.
In the beginning there are mistakes which disappear as you go on writing. Relax and reread.
Paragrap 1 : there = their - with in = within - to = too
3 : to = too
Commas and aphostrophe ; shepherd's dog x 2 Reread and the commas will show.
Spacing ; When you edit, you can redo some of your spacing to make the writing neater.
Generally well written , you can improve by more rereading. Feel the flow and breathing. Reread aloud and see if you agree.
- - Oh, the life I could live, if I was one of those weakminded ones, of those who willingly close their mind each dusk, to allow it to open again each
dawn. - - -
I do go on about rereading, it is vital for the final presentation. ( it is not my advice, better authors than me advocate it. )
Pounds, shillings and pence. Could buy 4 nigerballs for a penny, one for a farthing.
We tend to forget that 'grown-up' started at 15/16 as many young boys started their apprenticeships at that age. I was 16 myself when, matriculated then. Army at 17, oh boy - Elvis and Pat Boone.
Now the kids sit on school benches at 17/18,the girls - young women and the 'boys' shaving. No wonder they have a hard time. We want to keep them children, when they are not.
Yet, I listen to them now, telling their young of how they suffered, no Tv till they were grown,real chores, no computers and I smile.
Somehow, things change, but we all have memories. That does not change.
So I must learn, as so many writers do mainly poems. That is one class at school that I missed. Not a boy's thing - you know, poetry !
The book tells me to find sense; feeling; tone and intention. That is the emotionnal expression of the poet. Also, I must look at style; story; scancions
as well as rhyme schemes.
As a parent I must agree, a child is a gift. A blessing and all that I will leave behind, that is part of me.
From a technical point - there is some work to do. The expression - that is perfect.
There are a few minor typo mistakes, which you should be able to pick up easily, if you reread your work.
If you would not mind, reread your work, fix the few minor items and if you inform me that you have done it, I will redo an edit / review.
It is a unusual presentation as well as very difficult to present. The control of action and speech will keep one busy, nicely done - barring the minor items to be fixed.
The story; well, a crush on Death and then having that crush returned, very original story. I would have ignored the age thing of Death.
Is Death not sort of - eternal, or is this the newer model ? Not an issue.
Comma placing and a few punctuation uses to look at as well.
The ending .... ? Is this a possible start of a follow on ? could be. Now it is a bit abrupt. Again, not an issue. Leaving her there, where is there ?
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