Hi,Royal!
My name is Jan and I liked your story and the title. I'm here to do a review for you that was listed in
the Showering Acts of Joy Garden.
Over-all Impression:
I thought your story held a lot of emotion. Charles was filled with the fear of driving and used his
brother's accident and parents for his excuse so that he wouldn't have to drive.
What I liked the best about your story:
The lightness and banter with which your story started out. In the beginning, I wasn't sure where your story was going.
What I mean by this, the "fear" wasn't exposed so quickly to the reader. I felt this was good to make the reader go further in the story to find out. You showed good exposition here for your story.
Characters:
Charles and Andrea. I think you have done well to bring out their personalities. He is filled with fear and she
just wants to be his friend and help him.
Plot:
Andrea wants to help Charles get over his fear of driving. You never swayed from the plot from start to finish.
Setting and descriptives:
You are good on description and setting, which in this case, is the car.
Dialog, if any:
I liked the dialog between Andrea and Charles. You were able to establish Charles' fear of driving and hiding behind
Greg's accident as an excuse.
Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.
The Picky Part:
Here are a few corrections on punctuation and grammar. I hope it helps you
"You know I haven't and I don't intend to. I can live my life very happily never having to do," I was shaking, it was silly but the thought of doing something like that drove me crazy. "Having to that"
The above sentence needs rewording, because it is not clear to the reader.
"when
i said no the subject would be dropped," and here: "hardship
i had come across." Change "i" to "I". This word should always be capitalized.
"it was brought up." Change to
"would be" for proper tense.
"This was it, this was how I died, bitter thoughts about Andrea drifted through my head."
You should start a new sentence after it. Start with "This" for the next sentence. Two different thoughts here.
"What happened to Greg was tragic but not usual." Did you mean
"unusual?"
A few Suggestions, if I may. After all, this is your story.
I know that the above corrections seem like a lot to do, so just do one sentence at at time. In that way, you won't
become too overwhelmed.
To read aloud your sentences and to use your spell checker for grammar, punctuation, etc. These are only suggestions
to help your good story become even better. My suggestions are meant only to be constructive. Feel free to use any or none at all. I only gave the corrections that I knew that should be changed. I feel your story is really good.
My Personal Thoughts Here:
A story with good rising and falling action, right down to the climax.
I came away with a great feeling ...Charles got over his fear of driving. This is a good story and all you need to do is polish it up!
Inker
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I'm a proud member of SAJ, WDC Power Group and a Student of Horizon Academy!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed."