Beautiful imagery. I especially liked the chessboard and the silver tower 'among the stars, beside the sea'.
The only place I tripped up was line 2 in stanza 3: 'of all they say that cannot be'. It's rather an awkward line, but I think I get your meaning. Could it be replaced by something like: 'Of the few memories left to me'?
Just a suggestion.
Very well done!
Beautiful imagery in the line: 'And stole a ladder of stars to the moon'.
I would suggest some minor changes, e.g. 'upon' instead of 'on' in the 3rd line of the 1st stanza; changing 'in want of the sun' into 'for want of the sun'; and in the last line, the suppositional tense of 'what if the sun were in love with the moon?'
Good job. There are some things that could be improved, most notably the last line in the 5th stanza which is rather unwieldy. Other than that, a typo (an extra 'it' in line 2 of stanza 4. And the 'who' should be 'whom' in the second-last stanza.
You might want to consider this:
to take what is not wanted and freely offered,
but the vulture is disdained for taking what's not proffered.
This is a very sweet poem and I think all children would love to recite it before bedtime (just as much as their parents would love to hear it!)
I tripped a little on the rhythm, though. Mostly, your lines are 7-8 syllables each and these work really well. But on the occasion that you have a 6-syllable line (line 4) and a 9-syllable line (last line), there's occasion to stumble.
In a very short poem like this, it may be better to keep the same number of syllables for each line. Since the 7- and 8-syllable lines work so well, I would just lengthen line 4 and shorten the last line.
Perhaps something like:
line 4: Showering us with all their love (8 syllables)
last line: Giving us lots of love to share. (8 syllables)
A lovely effort. Well done!
The first line might be re-written as:
I love you, my friend (first five words in italics) were his last words to me.
That way, you can do away with the quotation marks as the italics will set them apart.
And you might want to consider replacing 'throughout' with 'through'--the line would flow better, I think.
FWIW, the first line sets the tone and must be strong and unequivocal. :)
In the 4th stanza, there's a sudden shift from 2nd person ('you' to describe your mom)to 3rd person ('her' and 'she' in the last two lines). I think it might be best to be consistent and keep addressing the subject in the 2nd person. Other than that, very moving. Well done.
Excellent poem. I like the 'flit to git', the word 'surcease' used in the sense of a temporary respite, the rhymes 'tea-time' and 'pee-time', 'piddle' and 'middle', 'floor', 'roar' and 'more', and especially the gradual increase in volume from 'tea' to 'Tea' to 'TEA'. Very well done.
Beautiful and succint. Don't change a thing. Well, OK, maybe just add a couple of commas (one after 'neutron' and one after 'stars'), though that's just the stickler in me (my inner Lynne Truss) talking, so ignore me as you wish. Ahem. OR, do NOT add the commas (you're 'sailing on' after all), but instead of the comma you already have after 'heaven', use a dash instead--for emphasis. OR, do nothing. It's perfect as it is, so I'm giving it 5.0 anyway. :)
In its context (of effusive praise from 'reviewers' who have not read what they're endorsing), the words 'their ignorance displayed' are very wry and apt. The first two stanzas, IMHO, are perfect. The last stanza, however, is a little weak. I'm not sure 'die' works, how about 'languish'? And instead of 'forgotten by the few', what about something along the lines of 'unappreciated by the masses'? And the last line might be stronger if 'meant' is substituted for 'left'. Just some suggestions. Hope you'll consider them. All the best!
Second stanza--suggestions made as regards word choices, keeping iambic pentameter intact:
We yearn to create, yet that brings us pain--
Art withers, quenched...
Living like this--building castles...
Soon, public scrutiny wash all away.
Most bow to money...
The power of dross turns night...
That more money creates a void for more,
And all that remains is but faded lore).
Stanza 3 --only 2 minor suggestions/additions to complete pentameter:
line 1: add 'the' before 'screaming fife'
3rd line from bottom: add 'pure' before 'blood'
Good imagery. Just a few word choices you may wish to consider:
'abrade' or 'erode' instead of 'polish';
'cleanse' instead of 'wash';
'waft/float up' instead of 'caught up'.
Also, I stumbled over 'hide irate'--not sure if one would hid if one's irate.
Nit-picks: would have liked to have the commas before and after 'fury'; the phrase 'among the rest' seems redundant.
Hmm...this little poem is itself rather like an unpolished gem. :)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jc_hall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 5:29am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
