Hi! After reading "Shattered Mirror" , I would like to share these these comments with you:
What I liked most:The POV. You place us in front of the mirror looking at our reflexion. We are shown not told. You allow the play of emotions to evolve from regret into rage.
Concept: I see this as a scene for a much longer piece.
Character:In a longer piece I would want to know her name.Something has happened to this character to make her suddenly concious of her loss of attractiveness.What? Did her husband ask for a divorce? Was her contract as a TV hostess not renewed?
Structure:The scene flows well from the beginning (the inciting incident) when she sees her reflection, then the middle when she describes the ravages of time, and to the end when she flies into a rage and shatters the mirror.
Overall impression:I was hooked from the start, but I believe the effect would have been stronger if the scene had been written in the third person. Note: in the first paragraph you passed from first person POV to third person POV in the third sentence. This can be confusing to the reader.
Great ending...dark and humorous. Now you need to work on the "hook".
The firsts sentence/paragraph is so important, it hooks the reader into continuing reading. The tale of a Troll hidden beneath the bridge should be brought in at the beginning. Will Joey overcome his fear and cross the bridge? Now you have a conflict especially if Tim defies him.
You could expand the story somewhat and take time to build up the tension. You did a good job of telling a complete story in a few words, but ... sometimes a horror story needs a bit of buildup to create tension and anticipation. Try it.
I wouldn't change a thing at the end.
It's a great story. Hope to read more.
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