Hello Josh T. Alto  ,
I discovered your item on Writing.com and would like to offer the following feedback for your consideration.
Positives
I thought you did a good job with the descriptive details of this story. The setting felt vibrant and realistic based on the little stylistic touches that you've infused throughout the story.
I also enjoyed the "inheriting an old house from a distant relative" trope. It's always a great way into a mystery or horror story, and I think it was handled well here, as were the odd and creepy little details around the home, like the letters addressed to her with no sender and blank pages inside. You definitely have a knack for details that pique the reader's interest!
I really liked the note this story ended on. It was a somewhat expected twist given what had come before, but I thought it was well-established and executed nicely. Well done!
Suggestions
While I liked the abruptness of the in media res opening to this story where Claire exclaims that the cellar door shouldn't be opened, the fact that she's writing it into a diary felt a little confusing as the initial impression of the story. If it were an urgent message for herself (or others), a private diary seems like a strange place to keep that notice. With the benefit of hindsight at the end of the story, I'm still not sure I entirely understand why Claire would feel compelled to write that in her diary. If traveling through the cellar door effectively sent her back in time and she became Margret, at what point does she become Claire and have the awareness to write that in her diary?
The geography of the story is a little unclear. When the attorney tells Claire that she inherited a house "in a small town near Sheffield," I think the reader needs a clear understanding of how far away that is, because all of these characters are listed as "local" (i.e., Mr. Thompson is the local lawyer, Claire herself is an archivist at the local library, etc.), and yet there's no indication that the house she inherited is local. Is it in the same town? One town over? A hundred miles away? I think that detail is important because Claire later takes leave "to move to the old house to find out more about its history and last owner." After she settles in, is she still close enough to commute to her job?
In the following excerpt, I don't think you need the second half of the sentence:
She knew there was still something she needed to figure out to make it all come together, but she didn't know she would find it sooner than she thought.
For me, mysterious or suspenseful things are almost always less mysterious and less suspenseful when they're telegraphed. I'd personally prefer to know that she was still missing a key detail that she needed to figure out, without the tease that it's coming sooner rather than later. In a short story, I think that's assumed based on the form.
When Claire first discovers the cellar door, it's unclear whether she goes inside or not. One paragraph mentions that she felt that it would change her life forever (although it's unclear whether she felt that was a good or bad thing), but then it says that she felt going inside would solve the mystery of what happened to Margaret (which is very much something she seems to want). But the next paragraph cuts to saying that she dreamed of the passage over the course of days. Is that because she went inside? Or did something prevent her from going inside and the mystery of what's in there is what pushes her forward? Based on the latter part of that second paragraph, the intention I'm reading is that she held off going in until she found it irresistible to avoid, but in that case I think it needs to be more firmly established that she did not go in upon first opening the door.
Overall
Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. There's a strong foundation, and a lot of potential in the elements you've infused it with. There are some rough edges that could use refining if you're ever looking toward this piece with an eye to rewrite, but it's an enjoyable read as it is. Good work!
I hope you've found this review helpful. If so, please consider playing it forward by reviewing the work of another Writing.com author!
Sincerely,
Jeff  
"Rating & Reviewing Philosophy"  |
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