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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jenndoss
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25 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice story. I love the humor at the end. Your writing is very good and reads like professional wrote it. I did not find any errors in grammar or punctuation. Your characters were well developed, had distinct personalities and believable dialogue.

I'm sorry that I can't give more helpful feedback. Great writing.
2
2
Review of Gray  
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice imagery. I "see" each description washed in gray. A feeling of sadness as the poem continues. A lack of joy. Great emotion in this. I don't have any actual corrections, though I didn't really understand the repeated Gray.Gray.Gray toward the end. I feel like if you had a longer stanza preceding it with several descriptions where you didn't have Gray. as a dividing line, it would work better for me. But it's poetry, so it is all up to you. Here is what I mean, using your words. I don't think you should edit it down, just an observation. I really enjoyed your poem.

The color of silver without the shine,
Lyrics of songs without the rhyme.
A deserted street corner at dusk,
Beneath a sky scattered in stardust.
An all consuming feeling,
That paints your world; your heart
Gray.
Gray.
Gray.

3
3
Review of Promises  
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Very sweet story. I like the imagery of new love that you developed. You said this was a vocabulary assignment, so I understand the usage of large words in the dialogue.
Some suggestions I have are...
First show, don't tell. Your first paragraph is a list of things you tell. Showing would look more like this.
Alice sat in the back of the room waiting for the bell to ring to signalize the end of math class. The doodles on the edge of her paper vaguely resembled wings. At the sound of the bell, she headed to the spot on the quad where she sat each day with Matthew. She had been dating Matthew for five months and they always ate lunch together under the same copse of trees. Matthew walked up behind her and poked her in the side making her wince. A fresh wave of pain shot through her. She pictured the large multi colored bruise from her fall the previous day at Figure Skating practice.

Also watch your verb tense. You go from past tense, to present tense to future tense and back and forth. I see a lot of Matthew would. Take out the would. Just leave it at Matthew walked up, or Matthew kissed her hand.

The story is very nice, but you could tighten it up a bit with these and other's suggestions. Keep writing. Your vocabulary was well used.
4
4
Review of Disappearing Act  
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a very funny story! Great emotion as she wondered each time if something had happened or if he was just hiding.
This sentence..."climb under to rows of seats"- I believe should be the number two.
It also would be helpful to know the age of the child. I can't decide if he is 2 or 5 or somewhere in between, or much older, though he is in a car seat.
I like his mischievousness and the excitement he gleans from hiding. You do a bit of head hopping, which further confuses me on his age. His thinking is that of an older child. Try to stick to one point of view.

Overall it was an engaging story, I wondered what would happen with the child and also what game he was going to get to play with dad. Tag was a great surprise and very believable. Thank you for sharing this work.
5
5
Review of The Story of B  
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a touching story of a misunderstood child. I am so sorry that those names were placed on you, even if they were never spoken out loud. I know what it feels like to be given names that define you and become your name. I hope you have moved past this and have renamed yourself as the Beauty your parents intended. You certainly write beautifully.
6
6
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (3.0)
So the idea of the princess story drew me in. Tidy up the writing and make sure you stay in past tense. ie;She longed to play in the sunlight, but their castle has something...should say HAD something. There are parts missing punctuation, also. Instead of repeating Princess Kaci and Princess Rachel, try just saying 'the princesses. Also "the two princess'" should say princesses. The apostrophe would be for their possesions. Such as the princesses' bedroom, that they shared. But that also would have the "es" at the end.

Why do they suddenly have to cross the river? It seems urgent but is not mentioned.

It is a good story, though. I wish you would've made the sword stand out a bit more, since it is a huge part of defeating the dragon. Maybe the sword glows or grows in size. Or it repels the dragon? A description of the girls and of Knight Addison would help make them appear in my mind. Also, are the girls sisters or friends?

You have some good imagery going on, but I feel like there could be a little more "meat" to the story to make it feel real. Good job! Keep up the good work.
7
7
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Such immense emotion in this! Tears filled my eyes as the story unfolded. Very well written and full of imagery and description. Painful, horrible, but captivating.
8
8
Review of Lost Within  
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this imagery! I can feel the despair and sense of being lost as I read. The fog, the cold steel, broken compass all convey the sadness and loneliness. And I really like the last line. A glimmer of humor in the darkness. Really great!
9
9
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is really nice. Great imagery! I can visualize the strands knit together and how they never really come apart.
10
10
Review by Jenndoss
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am simultaneously laughing and my heart is breaking for you. What a disaster! I don't know for sure if this is a completely true story, but as a fellow mother, I've been close to here. Not in an RV and not with the dog being sick too, but I can relate.

Those big girl pants sure have a lot of power. I don't even know what to critique on this. It is a perfect narrative of a Murphy's law day for a mom. At least your husband was still functional at his definition of "fine" unlike many men with a "man cold" who act like they are dying and need a home care nurse to get them through it.

"Where to start." should have a question mark...

Also introducing Jack as the 1 year old when you mention his teeth might be helpful. I wasn't sure how old he was.

That's about all I have to say 'bout that. Great narrative!


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