Written for a contest, this story tells of a woman who discovers a secret that had been hidden from her since she was a little girl and her discovery that things are not always as the seem.
I enjoyed reading this and could imagine how the woman must have felt after discovering her mothers secret. With word count limitations it moves rather quickly, from surprise to anger and betrayal and if not acceptance at least some return to normal.
I see it won the contest it was entered into. Not surprising at all. Thank you for sharing.
I enjoyed reading this and am so glad you decided to get back into writing. I loved the attention you gave to the little details, such as his boots crunching in the pea gravel. It felt exactly as you described, a dark night, where no one is around. The ending caught me by surprise and just added to the overall feel of the story. I was a little confused there for a minute..I thought maybe Sara was literally in the bag, but then I realized what you meant and it made the "finding of Jimmy" so much more meaningful.
This is a short story, describing work on a ranch, putting in your mind an image of a seasoned man, reluctant to give up traditions, but finds it necessary to update things a bit. I love the picture I have of a log house, with smoke coming out of the chimney. Only compklaint I ahve is it wasn't long enough. I would have loved to read more.
Hello and welcome to writing.com. I hope you find your time here helpful and that the suggestions you receive from everyone helpful, which is the intent of this review.
I am a huge sci-fi fan and I look forward to reading the story you describe. It sounds interesting, although a bit familier. Alien invasion and corrupt governments is an all too common theme in sci-fi. I even have written one myself, lol. Just something that has to be done,
You may want to run a spell check when you are done writing, as your description is riddled with spelling and gramatical errors,
entend intend altought although
torturing and executing survivors an even establishing and
An underground resistance will be form,formed
part of the live they had before the invasion. lives
When you have begun the story please let me know and I will be glad to take a look at it!
Hello and welcome to writing.com! I hope you are finding your way around.
I ran across this poem of yours in the newbie section and I loved every bit of it. It is a short poem, only 8 lines, but it says so much and quite honestly put me in mind of a little girl who has dressed herself on her own. I don't know how often my own daughter will come into the living room, ready to start the day, wearing stripes and polka dots or something else that doesn't go together. But it is so her and therefor it is perfect.
Thank you so much for sharing this and again, welcome to writing.com
This is an inspirational poem about following your heart and your dreams and making the right choices. This si so true. If more people followed what was in their heart and treated each other with love the world would be a much better place.
I enjoyed reading this and have found no errors. Thank you for sharing this'
I loved this! It brough back memories of my favorite place as a child. I love the imagery you created when describing sleding down the hill. I could picture a child momentarily airborne, It sounds as though your place was as fun as mine, minus the berries that grew wild in my childhood playground. Thank you so much for sharing this!
I had to laugh as I read this amd could just picture a little puppe cowering under feet as he hid from a storm. You did a really good job with the description. The only suggestion I have is that the line, To climb into the bathtub for sure, was really too long. It is the only area that I felt through the poem off.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful poem with us.
From the beginning this story pulled me in. I had visions of an abusive relationship, the abuser trying to make up for what he ahd done. Then his monologue continued and the story took an interesting new twist as the reader realizes the extent of the woman's danger and just how far gone this man is. You begin to fear with her, hoping that somehow someon will come to her rescue, even though you know she is gone. Then he reveals his 'secret' to her and....you lost me. I'm sorry, but it lost reality at that moment for me.
Yes, I believe that a person can be crazy, know he is crazy and relish his insanity. But most people with paranoid schizophrenia are harmless, mostly paranoid that someone is going to hurt them. They spend their days hiding away from the world, not aggressivly stalking another person. And in the cases where someone with this illness has harmed another they don't realize that anything is wrong with them. They think they are the sane ones and that the other person is a monster or demon or something. They don't taunt that they are paranoid schizophrenic and that they love being that way.
I don't mean to lecture, but I have a family member that is paranoid schizophrenic. She is harmless. Yes she leads a sad life, always talking about the conspiracies going on around her, but she is also very intelligent and artistic.
I think this story would be better if you would just have him be psychotic without telling her his diagnosis. Maybe talk about the voices he hears in his head. Maybe talk about how 'they' say he's ill, but he knows it is just a conspiracy to keep the two of them apart.
I hope this has been helpful. Again I am sorry if I went on.
This is a cute halloween poem that is sure to delight all who read it, both young and old. It contains all the aspects of halloween I love best, witches, spells and a warning. I find no fault with the rhyme or rhythm and enjoyed reading this. You don't allow a rating but if you did I would give it 5 stars. Thank you so much for sharing with us all.
This is a cute poem that reminds us what it is like to be a newbie, and we all were at one time or another. Everynow and then someone reviews a poem I wrote when I first joined and reading it over I am surprised by how much I have grown. This is one that I think if you took a second look at it you might notice a few places that could be improved, but ofcorse this is just my opinion. But I think that in the fourth line it would read better if you said I haven't been here. And in the following line Was spending some time.
Of course this is just my opinion. Feel free to ignore it if you like.
Quite honestly I don't know that I would have reacted any differently. I've never even heard of a plant by that name. I think you handled yourself wonderfully and no reason to be embarrassed.
I didn't notice any spelling errors and have no suggestions, Thank you for sharing this.
Depression is a very misunderstood illness and one that is very dark. Having suffered from it in the past and being an illness I still struggle with I know how very difficult it is to explain. Everyone gets sad, But not everyone feels themselves falling deeper and deeper into an abys they can not climb out of. I know that if not for my God I might never have found my way out.
I think you did an excellent job capturing depression within this poem. I especially love how you use the words taking over my thoughts because that is what the disease does.
Thank you for sharing this! It is well deserving of it's award.
I was pleasantly surprised upon visiting your port to find within this poem about one of my favorite characters on a show that I feel was not given the consideration it should have been. You did a great job capturing who T'Pol was and showing how her character developed throughout her time on Enterprise.
I did feel at times that the rhyme was a bit forced, such as with Enterprise and analize, and the meter was off in the last line of the 3rd stanza, but of coyrse that is just my opinion and you may disagree.
I think my favorite part was in the 5th stanza where you show how she had crossed a line she wasn't prepared for.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us and if you get a chance and feel so inclined please read my poem "Invalid Item" , a tale of Kirk and his crew.
This is a story about Beth, a teenage girl who has to make a hard decision in order to save her friend JC. In doing so she loses most of her friends, including the one she was trying to save. It was of course the right decision and even though her life has changed she knows it is for the best.
I was pulled into this story from the beginning because JC is dating a boy who is clearly controlling. He exhibits all the characteristics of someone who is not only controlling but reckless and could even possibly be abusive. He alienates her from her friends and has her participating in questionable and reckless activities. I know this is a boy I would want my daughters to stay away from.
There are numerous spelling mistakes throughout. Most of them could be found by using spell check. I would also suggest reading it through and inserting commas. I noticed you used them towards the beginning and the end but in the middle there are several places where you had sentences that were quite lengthy and could have used a comma or two.
I enjoyed reading this story but the conclusion was a little short. We know what happened between Beth and JC and the other friends, but what happened with Josh? Did JC's parents forbid her from seeing him? Did he go to prison? I was left wanting to know more.
Hello and welcome, welcome, welcome to writing.com. I want to tell you just how much I enjoyed reading this snowy memory with you. Although it should have been spring for you it reminds me much of the weather we have here in Ohio where the weather is always changing. Sometimes you seem to see all four seasons in one week. lol. It also reminds me of a winter just a few years ago. I can easily picture the scene you must have seen of ice hanging from the trees. As dangerous as icy weather can be, it can also be beautiful. I say this remembering driving down Main St. here, trees lining both sides of the road as I drove through an icy tunnel of hanging branches. Beautiful, yet at the same time just the thought of one of those branches breaking would send chills.
Hello and welcome to writing.com! I hope you are finding everyone around here helpful and above all friendly.
This is a beautiful poem about love and a relationship where the two share their hopes and dreams. The use of the second line of the previous stanza to start another is interesting and I love the way it reads. There are a few places where the rhythm seems to be off a bit but it is not that noticible except perhaps in the last stanza. Of course this is just my opinion and you may see it differently, but I think the last line would read better if you dropped the word that and changed I'm to I am. In the second and third stanza the lines all have a 4 syllable count except for the 3rd in each stanza, but the first stanza has 4 syllable count in all 4 lines. In the last stanza the third line has 5. To me this throws it off a little, but not badly.
This review I am afraid may be a bit biased, being as the author is my daughter, but since I am her biggest fan I feel I must share my applause with her.
Sarah, you have a wonderful talent that is shown in this, my favorite of the ones you have written. The words I believe capture the way you look at life and you you always see the best in everything and never stay down for very long.
I've already spoken to you about rhythm and meter and know that with practice your writing, which is already wonderful, will become even greater. Fly with the talent God gave you.
This is a list of phrases that are strung together in a collage of words to make a poem. I like the way some of the phrases can seem to say so much when placed within, such as walk the plank, which to me could mean either take a chance or own up to your mistakes. Certainly those would be great pearls of wisdom. I loved the last line.
What a wonderful story! I actually lived in a trailor once where after my ex husband and I bought it we discovered there was a possom that already resided there. I can tell you, with a newborn baby in the place, I did not take to kindly to the brazen animal. After all, I was content not knowing he was there. He's the one that had to show off and walk between me and the t.v. Took 3 days to get him to walk into the live animal trap...this one seemed to like bologna. If you live in Ohio maybe this would be the same one, since I told my husband to take him as far away from our place as he could so he wouldn't come back.
I enjoyed reading this, as I do so much of your work. Thank you so much for sharing.
I love dialogue and this story is a great one. I like how it starts off with the girl being worried about the noise and the banter that goes on between her and Jimmy about what is out there. The ending was also a surprise for the reader, although I wish there was a bit more. Maybe a bit of spooky conversation in the dark before she turned on the light switch.
Hi and welcome back to writing.com! I know just what you mean about missing writing.com. I was gone for a while, also due to health issues and have just come back full time this week. Before that I would check in occasionaly.
I am glad your health has improved and that your new beginning is succesful. I look forward to reading any new work you have I will be sure to check into your new port and read what you have there.
While this introduction to the soon to be resurected magazine doesn't give much away, I have ventured into the darkside and can tell you it is a truely terrifying and not for the faint of heart. The journey led me to a haunted house, filled with the most ghoulish of creatures, where murder takes place in every room. There you will be served such delightful dishes as brain stew and gall bladders and perhaps even a few organs, unwillingly donataed from the butler of course.
I managed to escape the house, with my life still intact, only to find myself in a graveyard, where the dead were not resting in peace. How I managed to find my way back home I will never know. Perhaps it was in part to that kind stranger that pointed the way. He was a strange looking one though and what he was doing with that pick ax I wll never know.
Perhaps you like a thrill. Maybe you need a good scare to get your heart pumping. If so, I suggest a visit to the far side of midnight. But then again, perhaps you like to play it safe.
This is a really good poem and I enjoyed reading it. I actually read it through several times to get a feel of the emotion within and the rhythm. The rhythm, while off a little, is still good and I think could be perfect with a few adjustments, Of course this is just my opinion and you know best what you want out of your work.
The emotion in the poem is perfect. Reading it I got the sense of a woman on the verge of falling in love, only hesitating at the thought of giving herself over. She's done this before and knows that it could go one of two ways. I don't know if that was your intent, but like a work of art, where one person may see one thing and another something different, this is what I saw within your lines.
If I may give a few suggestions:
In the first line I would leave out the word the. IMO it flowsv easier that way.
In the last stanza, 2nd line, I would say within your arms instead of in. Again, just my opinion but I think the words flow better that way.
Again I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Jezri
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