Sherri, this is a beautiful poem. depicting never ending love. This is something we all look for, but somehow few seem to find. I love the line about how it should be cherished more everyday. because all too often we take for granted the love that we have and forget how special it truely is.
The last line is truely beautiful. Thank you for sharing this!
Seems to me he was too good for Rati, who was obvilusly only using him. Sometimes accidents turn out to be the best thing possible. Who knows, if not for that Ravi could have spent a long time chasing the wrong girl. You did a wonderful job weaving this story together!
Most relationships start out really intense, excluding all others as the two involved can only see each other. Eventually that fades and hopefully a comfortable, respectful relationship. Unfortunately it sometimes it doesn't and while one person still loves and is hanging on, the other forgets they even have a second half. You describe the feelings of the other..the one who still longs for the love they once had, but are no longer receiving. Well worded!
I am not a free style poet, though I wish I were. When I write I need order, rhyme, meter...which limits me. I wish I had the ability you do to put your words together in such a way that the poem speaks for itself, without needing any of the trappings of form.
I love the way you compare a memory to a pressed flower. It's beautiful...but no longer alive. Eventually it will be too brittle to even touch. Your imagery is beautiful! You are a true wizard of words!
I always knew that Santa and the Easter Bunny had some kind of rivalry going on and it proves my theory that you can't trust a fat man in a rede suit. Just who comes down a chimney anyway??
This is written with a lot of humor and brings a lot of laughs. Thank you so much for sharing this!
This poem starts out well, talking about a first meeting between a guy and a girl. The images the author creates reminds me of a shy girl, blushing as the cute boy smiles her way.
The second stanza creates the uncertainty, what to talk about. This is something that all first time crushes have. On line though it is a little easier as you have time to formulate your sentences. The last line throws the rhythm off quite a bit. I would suggest changing it to read but if I do what if he thinks that I am whacked? (obviously a big fear a lot of teenagers would have.)
The meter in the 3rd stanza needs to be worked on. With the first two you followed a rhyme scheme, but in this one the rhyme and meter is all over the place.
The poem ends on a high note. While I wouldn't ordinarily include the word hottie in a poem, (perhaps that's a sign of my age), it made me smile, remembering my first crush. Adding in that he is respectful of the girl is a good touch. It shows an image of a girl who, while likeing the looks of the boy knows how important it is to be respected.
This is a poem that takes a humerous look at what the authors image of God would be...if given the chance to pick a God.
While I thought the first stanza was a bit cheesy, (sorry) with the image of a girl that couldn't hack it, the poem did pick up pace from there. The rhythm was a bit inconsistant but the line about tomatoes made me smile and I couldn't agree more about the rap, lol.
Poem about a diary and the love the owner bestows upon it. The author does a good job expressing how much the diary means to the owner and the care given, because even though you use the words, worn and torn from abuse, we all know the most loved books are well worn. I even had one once, The Cout of Monte Cristo, one of my all time favorites, that was falling apart from being read so much.
The first line I think would read better if instead of bounded you just wrote bound. This of course is just my opinion, but I do think it sounds better. Also, throughout the poem you refer to the diary as her or she..her cover, her leather binding..she is precious to the author...but then in one line you refer to her as it. Who writes in it every night. Again, this is just my opinion, but I think it would read so much better if you changed it to her, to reflect the rest of the poem.
I ahve never been one to keep a diary, but I loved this poem. Thank you so much for sharing it.
This is a short poem about falling in love and staying in love, despite the odds. I like the lines, through stormy days in the eyes of the world, because it puts me in mind of how the world sees and judges when two people first start out together. The pattern of the peom is also interesting. Thank you for sharing.
The title of this is very deceptive. Pleasure my foot..lol.
I love the way you started this. It put me in mind of a first kiss..until you pulled the rug out from under my feet with your surprise twist. I wouldn't change a thing. I guess not even the title, although perhaps Deceptive would fit better. lol
You did a great job, especially with the word limitation. Thank you so much for sharing this.
That is a very horrific, yet facinating thing for a child to see...someone taking out their teeth. I had an uncle who showed me once how his teeth came out and I remember wondering, "How can he do that?"
I think you did a good job with this, despite writing outside of your "comfort zone." I can understand how difficult that must be. There were a few places where the rhyme scheme threw me off, but that is because I am used to reading quatrains too and the three lines kept throwing my rhythm off.
This is a sad poem about the loss of a father and a wound that has never healed. At first I assumed the father had abandoned the child, and I felt the pain that a 14 year old would feel, perhaps wondering if it was something they had done. The end brings the true tradgedy to its conclusion. A loving tribute to someone who is obviously very deeply missed. Thank you for sharing this with us.
I like the way this poem started, full of bitterness and anger, but then from there I became a bit confused. The person in the poem is clearly angry, but I'm not sure what about. I can't tell if it is from a failed romance or because someone has treated him unfairly. I think you could improve this by clearing it up a little. You create conflicting images, refering to the object of the anger as someone who has innocence, In your innocence, getting you to become unstable. That same sentence makes it sound as though the narrator harmed this person in some way. But that all is conflictede with the next line. As soon as I can take flight...you take the wind that carries me.
The last 2 lines of the poem don't seem to have anything to do with the rest. It really through me off.
Thank you for sharing this. I wish I could have offered you better suggestions.
Hello Rook and welcome to writing.com. My name is Jezri and I will be reviewing your dialogue "Do you love me?" .
It doesn't sound to me like these two care much for each other at all. I am sure that is just appearances. Some people would have thought my ex and I hated each other the way we talked..uh, but then we did end up divorced, lol. It sounds to me like the husband, (I assume husband,) has a fear of the L word.
In all honesty the conversation was a bit lengthy. I don't say this to be critical, but to help you with your writing. The antagonist in this keeps pushing the same question over and over and getting nowhere, while working in the recipe for the pizza. I think it would have been more interesting if it would have started off with the Do you love me question, then led into other subjects. Perhaps the husband could recite examples of trials and tribulations they had been through together, without exactly admitting to the L word. A sort of, if I didn't love you would I have suffered through this type of thing. I once had a boss that never ever had a word of praise for anything I did. One day I'd had enough and asked him if he ever had anything nice he could say about me. His response was, "You still have a job don't you?" In other words, if he didn't think I was doing a good enough job I wouldn't still be there. But for some reason he was unable to find it within himself to ever say anything nice..not just abut me but everyone that worked there. Of course, needless to say, his turnover was incredible.
Or, maybe he could mention examples of friends of theirs that are full of affection for each other and public displays of affection, but how they know that behind the scenes their marriage is a sham. Spice up the conversation a bit.
I do like how it ended. I wouldn't change that a bit.
"Unsucessful " is a poem about someones's attempt to please and seeming to always fall short. Whether it is a mother, wife, daughter, son, husband, father, no matter how hard they try, they just can't seem to succeed.
I like the words that you chose to use, I rise and you miss it, I fall and you see. It shows how often our successes can go unnoticed, while our failures are always picked up on, especially if there is someone in our life that is overly critical.
There are several grammatical errors that I would normally hesitate to mention, since I feel that in poetry there is some license to be loose with grammar. However in this case it doesn't seem that using grammar correctly would detract from the poem.
One day I be gone One day I'll be gone.
know whats wrong. know what is wrong
Changing what's to what is adds an extra syllable and helps the flow of the poem.
you could of opened your eyes you could have opened your eyes
OMG, this had me laughing all the way through. I can just picture it. I have a friend who goes hunting with her husband, but she likes it. Even shot Bambie's mom..in front of Bambie. She has a cold heart.
I like the way you described everything. You were very detailed, painting the scene for us and allowing us the image of a woman trying to find a place to pee in the woods. I never thought about the fact that you would need to avoid peeing in your socks. lol.
Hello Beauregard and welcome to writing.com! My name is Jezri and I am reviewing your poem "Two Coins" .
This was a short, but very well written poem about the loss of your beloved pet. It is always hard to lose a friend that can bring such joy.
I related very much to your opening line, Another one has died today...I don't know if you intended it or not, but it reminded me of all my pets I've had from childhood on. It is a sad fact that we will usually outlive our pets, their years being shorter than ours. For a while my kids had hampsters, but considering their size, which can lead to disaster, and their short life spans, it became to difficult to worry about having to put another to rest.
I like the reference at the end to the Boatman. Very perfect.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem with us.
Hi Derek, welcome to writing.com! My name is Jezri and I will be reviewing this interesting story that you wrote for English.
I found this interesting, although it does need a little work. One of the first things I would suggest is that you seperate your paragraphs with a space. This is due to the way the text is formatted on writing.com.
I also think that the sentences seem to be a little short, but as you said, you plan on fleshing this out some.
I am assuming this is not about the Civil War, even though you refer to it as the war between the North and South. I like the conflict where he has to choose what side he is going to join. The way you ended it does allow for a sequel and in fact demands that there must be.
This is a story written about bad behavior. The teen in question happens to be an American and treats the Mexican people in the small village he is visiting rather rudely. At the end the author makes a statement about the privlage of being born in America and needing to learn respect and responsiblilty. With the words, I would have loved to place them in a Mexican household where they would be expected to work or at least do their share, the author implies that Mexican teenagers are not -well, teenagers.
This story might have had more of an impact on me if I didn't live in an area where there are a lot of Mexican immigrants and I didn't see the behavior of their teens. Actually the most respectful teens I have ever seen came from an African country. But I think that stems more from their upbringing than from where they came from because in my experience, even the best raised teenagers tend to forget themselves when around their friends. Not to the extent as portrayed in this story, but then I can't see even the most skilled skateboarder trying to skateboard down a cobbled street. I wouldn't think they would be able to get up any speed. But perhaps that is my own inexperience speaking.
This really is a very good poem that depicts the image of God extremely well. I love the way you describe a man climbing and listening to God and keeping His will, while all ariound the wind, the clouds, even the thunder and the rain all reflect the magnificence of Him.
This poem, about a rainy day, starts with a rainy day, with words that describe saddness, then morphs into joy. Beautiful and well written. Since I love rainy days, |Euphoria is a perfect title.Thank you for sharing this with us all. Perfectly worded.
This is a short story about the end of a life and death coming for someone. Listed as a poem, it doesn't seem to follow the traditional pattern of poetry, no stanzas or quatrains, but written in paragraph form.
I like the way it begins, the mystery of my soul collapses into a myriad of colors. You speak in the second paragraph of emotions and fear and the angel of death swoops down, but you don't rally share that fear. I think it would serve you well to revisit this and maybe add some of those elements to the story.
Cute childrens poem about finding a worm in an apple. Ewww! lol.
The rhyme of this poem is something children will be sure to love and the rhythm is perfect. I can see this as a short picture book for a 5 or 6 year old. Thank you so much for sharing this.
This poem reminds me of the times I was young and my step dad used to come in our room, throw a sheet over his head and chase us around. Kids love to wrestle and feel that they can overpower the adult. I know my daughter giggles like crazy when she thinks she has me.
The words you use create a loovely picture. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
Jezri
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