This is the story of a little girl who had to grow up fast. Her mother died and she was left alone with a father who soon began drinking, and mistaking her for her mother when he wanted a little "sugar". One day the girl decides to fight back, with dire consequences.
I like the way the story starts, with the father floating in the water and Jenna unsure what to do. She realizes she is all alone now, and even though, for all intents and purposes, she was all alone before, this seems so final. You can't help feeling sorry for her.
A suggestion::
and for a moment she was paralized with fear.
should be paralyzed
This is a short summary of the end of the world. Well told, the ending is poignant, yet fitting. I can see this being the prologue to the beginning of a sci-fi story, or even better the ending to a story that shows the destruction and greed of man. Thank you for shring this with us!
Jezri
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This story starts off with a man gaining conciousness, his memory foggy, feeling in pain. His surroundings are less than ideal and as he begins to move he discovers a rat feeding on something that looks mysteriously like a finger.
Ok, the story starts out good, but the way you have it broken down into time slots is a bit distracting and cuts the story up too much. I think the opening works, especially when he discovers just whos finger that rat is feasting on, but after that you should start it out with the conversation between jace and Shannon and keep it going from there. No need for the time stamps.
The ending becomes pretty interesting again with the arrival of the flowers and the mysterious note. Only other suggestion I would have is to put a space inbetween each paragraph. Makes it easier to follow when the paragraphs aren't indented.
I was a bit confused when I first started this chapter. Don't know how but somewhere I got lost and that that Antonio was the head of the seeth, but a few paragraphs later you made it clear who was. A little more erotic than the last chapter, well ok, a lot more erotic, lol. Vivian seems to be quite an exhibitionist, even if no one is aware what is going on.
Again, the use of edit points is great, although as in the last chapter there wasn't much that I found that needed editing. This chapter did move a little slower than the first, describing the running of the hotel and all, but such is necessary when setting up a story. I like the way you show how even though the employees have some idea of what is going on, they don't know everything and how some of them even volunteer to be 'donors' for the guests. The chapter ends on a bit of an erotic note, enticing the reader to continue into the story.
Creepy image in the beginning, describing the way the carpet should be and then letting the reader know it is squishy with blood. Love the way you then go on about the dead body and how you know death could not have come easy for him. Very good, descriptive language. I also like how the narrator of the story draws the conclusion that it must be a human killer that murdered the man and not a vampire. Of course there would be no blood to seep into the carpet if it had been a vampire.
You do a good job of describing Alaska as a vacation state for Vampires. I know if I was left powerless and drained during the day, Alaska is where I would want to be. I also like how some of the vampire myths are dispelled in here, removing the image of vampires that always drain their victims and making them seem more glamorous, only needing a pint a day and traveling with human companions.
The use of edit points is wonderful! It makes it so easy to let you know what works and what doesn't without having to scroll all the way down and then try and find my place again.
This is a story about an astronomy student who is having what one would call a bad hair day. Getting ready for a date with his girlfriend he decides to get a hair cut. What he ends up with is something he never bargained for.
I found that at times the conversations didn't seem to flow naturally. For instance he wasn't very friendly with his usual hair deresser, even though he apparantly uses him every time he goes there. I wouldn't expect him, even if he is a private person, to snap at him in such a way. But that is just an opinion.
The image of him trying to have the color washed from his hair is funny.
Thank you for sharing this with us!
Jezri
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My muse can be a nagging, persistant hag, keeping me awake at all hours of the night, refusing to let me sleep until I have produced what she wants. So in true misery loves company form I am delighted that i am not the only one awake at 3 in the morning.
Your poem is filled with scenses of smell and sound. I am assuming from the title, (item:1495934} and the description of how thes senses are streangthend from the loss of sight that it is a description of being blind. Being so, I find the title very fitting, but since you say you aren't happy with the title I would like to suggest something like, Heightened Senses.
Thank you for sharing this!
Jezri
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A poem that tells the story of a love that has weathered the years and many hard times. The wedding ring is a symbol of that love, worn and dinged, but it survived the years. Beautifully written, the rhythm does sometimes seem to falter, but the tale is still a timeless one, filled with wonderful images and descriptions that shows a love that survives, even after death. Thank you for sharing this with us!
Jezri
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This is the beginning introduction to what is to be the beginning of several articles and chapters on a particular disability. The main problem is, I don't know what that disability is. The beginning description says "This description will be talking about my disability." I thought for sure somewhere in the paragraph I would read what the disability is. Perhaps that will be in the first chapter.
There are multiple spelling errors throughout this introduction, many of which may not have been caught by spell check since they are words with diffferent meanings than the intent.
artaclesarticles
I want through a rough situation went
disabillity disability.
In defedently Did you mean indefinitely
board I think you mean bored, as in I am not here to make people bored.
details of every situation and experience that I when through in my life went
I don't mention these errors to discourage you but to help you improve your introduction. I look forward tio reading the first of your chapters and discovering what this disability might be.
A well written poem that talks about a subject I honestly don't know much about, having trouble staying awake. Mine is having trouble sleeping. But I can see the problem. The rhyme of the poem was good and so is the meter. The only problem I could see is that you don't use punctuation throughout most of the poem. 3 complete stanza's without even a single period or comma.
A vision of war and the effects it has on a soldier. The poem starts out with strength, bravery and pride and ends with the soul (and body) beaten broken and torn. War can do things to a man, not always good, and this poem reflects the pain a soldier would feel.
Poem about the violence that our children face on a daily basis, in schools and on the playground. It is a scary world out there now, scarier than when I was a kid. I never had to walk through metal detectors to get into school and I never worried about drug dealers on the corners. Now I tell my kids where they are allowed to go when they play outside, and don't allow them to ride their bikes more than a few blocks.
This poem reflects all that we hear on the nightly news.
This is a story that started out about the need for a haircut that led to a wonderful story about friendship and learning to be the best person you can. I laughed at the picture of the black kid snatching candy and running, thinking the wool was being pulled over the old jewish man's eyes and being taught a lesson in responsibility. The character of Bernie seems to be very wise and insightful.. The end when he threatens to tell the "young punk's" mom what he did was great! I can only imagine that he probably did.
I enjoyed reading this and can't think of anyway you could improve it. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
An interesting poem about a man who would like to get to know the girl behind the counter, but noit being sure how to ask someone out he doesn't know. The poem summerizes his experience in the coffee shop, the people coming and going, the exchange of cash, his nervousness and uncertainty. I enjoyed reading it, although the structure of the sentences was a bit distracting.
This is a fun poem about bowling, which I am lousy at, but always have fun doing. I'm not sure how well serious bowling addicts would take it, lol. My fiance and I went bowling on New Years Eve. Big mistake. I thought we were going to have fun. His game was off and he grumbled the whole time. He still beat me though, because as I said, I'm lousy.
I thought this poem was great from the very beginning, alerting the reader to the fact that this was a tongue in cheek poem. The sport of bowling is fun,
Whether it’s ten strikes or one,
OMG, this poem is hilarious. I loved every bit of it. The only suggestion I have is that in the line I buried you under the ground, perhaps might flow better if you wrote I buried you beneath the ground. It doesn't change the syllable count at all. But even without changing it the poem is great. I had a good laugh while reading it and then read it to my daughter.
Within this story is a clock, ticking and tocking and laughing. Because this clock has a secret that you don't know.
This is a fun mystery where the narrator of the story wonders about what secrets an old grandfather clock may have wittnessed over the centuries. He researches the clock's history to discover the secret. Does he find it out and if he does, will he share with you the secret?
I enjoyed reading this and all the possibilities that the clock may have experienced. Thank you for sharing this!
Mr Zaborskii, you are one amazing poet and believe me, I don't say that lightly. "We Will Meet Again" is extremely well written and well deserving of the award icon that is displayed beside it.. Your words painted a picture of a man seperated by the love of his life and throughout the reader is drawn into his pain and frustration at this seperation and his determination to one day meet again.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us! I look forward to reading more!
This is another great story, the kind I expect to find whenever I visit your port. The image of Harley skinning that dog sent shivers through my spine and as usual, the ending was just perfect.
At last! Someone that knows the rules to shopping. lol. Actually I work at Wal-mart and I wonder why your friend would be so against the place. Satan's milk? Seriously? Not that I believe in sucking up to an employer and maybe it's just the town I live in, but I love the people I work for. The management is great, (seiously) the pay is better than other places I've worked,(I started out at less than I did when I worked for a factory that was union and after 3 months was making more than I was after getting all the union required raises at the factory AFTER working at said factory for 7 years! I recieved 3 raises my first year at walmart. And that is just as a cashier). But I digress!
I think it would have been perfect if you would have put in here somewhere respect for the cashiers, who tierlessly ring up order after order, their backs breaking, or feeling as though they are breaking, from standing in one spot for hours on end. I can't tell you how many times I have to bite my tongue becasue of rude treatment.
This poem is meant to show the hypocrisy some people have at Christmas, trying to make up for a year of bad living with gifts once a year.
The main problem I see is the use of words that quite honestly not everyone is going to understand. That doesn't mean you should dumb down a poem, but I think it should be able to be read and understood. That of course is just my opinion and you are the artist who knows what you are trying to achieve. I just think that if a reader has to look up the meaning of a word it detracts a bit from the poem.
What i did absolutely love about the poem is the last 3 stanzas! You show with a few brief lines how leading a life filled with love is treasure enough.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I look forward to reading more of your work.
This is a sad and touching poem about a boy going off to war and becoming a man. It is a lovely tribute and a reminder that they don't all come home. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Just one suggestion. I noticed that throughout this poem you didn't use any punctuation. With no periods or commas this causes one huge run on sentence, which detracts from an already beautiful poem.
My first thought when I read this is that maybe I misunderstood what you wrote about the poem in your description. You refer to this as a different type of poetry in meter and rhyme scheme, but I can't detect any kind of pattern to this whatever. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but it is more free verse.
Your poem is filled with so many truths. I especially love in the 2nd stanza where you speak of the plot to kill Jesus. You reveal how even though it is a horrible thing that happened it is something that not only had to happen but was planned. I think this is something many people misunderstand.
Thank you for sharing this with us! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello diesel my name is Jezri and it is a pleasure to review your poem . I loved reading this, which I found to be creepy and reminesent of many a dark night. lol. The only suggestion I have would be that there are a few places where I think you should have used commas. Of course that is my opinion and I may be wrong. I have been told in the past that I overuse commas, but then when I cut down I am told I don't use enough.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
Jezri
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