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97 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: E | (4.0)
Once upon a time there was a lazy little girl who, Everyday made everyone in her family do her chores. One day, it was decided that no one would do this little girl's chores, and no one would eat until she had finished. Because of that, the little girl cried and cried accusing everyone in town that they were the ones not doing their job and she did her job everyday. Until finally, two days later, weak with hunger the little girl started to fold the sheets, but she did not fold them properly, instead she rolled them up in a ball and said they were folded. The little girl's mother, starving gave her daughter a pass and feed her a heaping bowl full of stew, but when the Queen's servant came to pick up the sheets, she was shocked and ordered the little girl to refold the sheets. The little girl cried to her mother, calling the servant mean and cruel, and that she wasn't the little girl's boss and the she sheets were just fine. With no other power the servant went to her queen, and explained with a shaking voice, becoming more terrified as the queen's face became red. The Queen stood and walked out of her castle and to the little girl's home walking right into the house. Chocolate covered the little girls face and when Queen ordered the girl to refold the sheets, the little girl responded, "You fold them."

The Queen and her servants left the house a few moments later, the little girl tied and dragged along behind them.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: E | (5.0)
Donation
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great chapter. You add more to the characters by giving the reader the information they need to understand what had happened that shaped Zoey. There is enough detail to make it heartwrenching, but not too graphic.

You could use "fuzzy" images to make the dreams move more smoothy into each other.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 9  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The only thing that I can think of to add to this chapter, is to give more detail on the transformation. Make the reader cringe with popping bones, rippling skin,, all of that kind of stuff. Give the reader a reason to grip the book in their fingers.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 8  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great chapter. Keeping a smooth flow during time changes, I have found, is one of the hardest things to do. You were able to go forward in time without a sudden jolt. Good work!!! There was one typo that I noticed, end of 5th paragraph, speaking about her mother's hair.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 7  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
More great detales which gives the reader the feeling as if they are a part of the girl's growing friendship. I don't have any helpful remarks for this chapter. It flowed at a good pace and the time didn't jumped around. This is one of your strongest chapters.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 6  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A growing friendship, or is it going to be more.

This chapter seemed to describe the "laws" a little too quick. I would sugest slowing this section down, give the reader more information/explaination to help them digest it.
To your note in your last chapter: Time did fly without much warning.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 5  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This chapter give the reader a small look at Alyssa and a larger look at what Zoey has experenced while growing up. This will give the reader the ablitlity to identify with the characters.
As to your note: time does seem to jump around. Try using other transitions. "the sun slowly moved its way..." just as a quick example.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 4  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great way to add some back story, gives the reader a tease about who Sissy is. This chapter seemed a little short. You could add some info about the food, how the girls are dressed, little things like that could add words and more info about the setting and how different the girls are.

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Review of The Fillmore Ch 3  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Again another wonderfull chapter. Please let me know when you add some more chapters or do any rewrites. You have a good story here and I would like to see where you take it.

This chapter had some great description, but it again feels that you've cheated the reader by jumping ahead so many days. I also get mixed feelings about the ages of the 'girls', they feel almost like teenages.
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Review of The Fillmore Ch 2  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
With your wonderful descriptions you are able to put the reader into Zoey's mind and heart making them feel for her and the pain she is going through.

The only suggestion I have is in the beginning, it jumps from the night before. It makes the reader feel 'left out' or like they missed a page. The readers need to witness her outburst.

This is a very good story and you give the readers questions to be answered making them read on.

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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not for sure what to think, it doesn't feel like a report. Maybe make it 'dryer' or make it from one cop's perspective.

But you have a good intro, it makes a reader want to find out more. Your descriptions are really good, that's why I feel that they need to be more 'of the story', then just reports.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I didn't leave a post for chapter chapter 3, so I'll include it here. It was too short.

Chapter 4 seems short also and moved slow. It gives insight to how the other character feel about Blackstone, but it doesn't give examples of how 'evil' he is. I feel more of a tease about the things he has done would make the reader hate him and want to find out if he is stopped.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Again another great chapter. I could see this story in print. Your descriptions really pull the reader into the story, making them want to find out what's going to happen.

But, I feel that you haven't really described Blackstone in all of his 'unholyness'. I feel that more could be added to his character, in this chapter, to make him more 'evil'.

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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
You have a great start of a story here, even though it has some same elements as with other stories. That aside, your descriptions are very vivid and they bring the setting to life and the characters also.

The only sugestions I have is maybe more description on the young girl, the carriage, driver, and I feel that there is something missing from the priest's reaction to the book.
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Review of Atrocity  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Great descriptions, I really liked the 'pink drops', it made it real. Your story is a great read, with a lot of descriptions that made me feel and see the words.

There were a few times, while I was reading, that I had to go back to make sure 'who' was speaking.

But over all your story is a quick read, because of the suspense and the wonderful descriptions.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I could see this becoming a much bigger story or a 'movie'. You have some great discriptions and a nice plot. I didn't see any typos or catch myself re-reading. The only thing that I felt that was off, was how Dan spoke on the phone. Other then that you have a great story.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice story, vivid discriptions. It seemed to read a little fast. I did find a few typos towards the end of the story, (and it needs spaceing between paragraphs, reads eaiser).
This story could be an intersting collection based upon the havok the drunk old man causes.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very good kid's story! A lot of laughs. You did a good job explaining what young kids go through when no one believes them. I feel that a little more description of the monster would add to the fear.
I didn't notice any typos, or catch myself re-reading. You have the makings of a really good kid's story!
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Nice take on a common sci-fi story. I didn't catch myself re-reading, and I didn't notice any typos.
Your story seemed to be missing detail, refering to where/when MacDonald went, and how he ended up in his condition that Edwards found him in.
I feel that this detail would make the story deeper and give readers more to focus on.
You has some really good details on the machine and MacDonald's ending condition.
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Review of Night Flight  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Adding bikes to an old ghost story, nice touch! Added some flash to the story. (could almost hear the bikes.) I didn't notice any typos or catch myself re-reading.
The beginning has some really nice discriptions! Maybe include some of the bar?. The story had a nice flow.
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Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You have the beginnings of a good story. I feel that more discriptions are needed. You already have some. Maybe the MC and more of what role he really plays. I didn't see any typos, and I didn't catch myself re-reading.
I could see this story in a collection.
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Review of The Old Woman  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice story, had that boogyman, haunted house, ghost tone. I noticed a typo, need to rearange quotations when she asked who was there.

You created good tension as you built up to the ending. Had some nice descriptions and a good story. You left the ending open for the reader's imagination.
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Review of The Repented  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a great story for a series! When I first read "clown", I started to wonder, but you have created your own character, one that children identfy with. Mortals, angels, and demons; wonderful characters and story.
I didn't see any typos or mistakes, but as the font got small, it got harder to read!
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Review of Reflection  
Review by Jill H. O'Bones
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have an intersting story. You get inside the MC's mind, going through his thoughts and feelings. There are some great discriptions, but it could use some more spacing between paragraphs (I was told the same. And it does help the read, helps stop the words blurring.)

This is a great story about guilt, remorse, and a major misunderstanding.
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