|Hi vapid ! After reading "fleshy foreshadowing" , I offer you these comments:
May you find something useful in my review. Anything less, please disregard.
I felt the powerful emotion that went into the writing of this piece. Even if you had randomly thrown some words together to build this story, something in it demands to be heard.
I admit, it was difficult to read, certainly it is in its early stages of edit, but fun to read, nevertheless.
It seems to me you wrote something that is not quite a poem, and not quite a story, but, perhaps, something of both? Certainly, it is a riddle and one I haven't fully figured out. My suspician is that this is about a nightmare, something more than a bad dream. An unending scream that drowns out materialism? The ending is quite depressing in that nobody cares.
The title, 'no guardians', makes me think the gargoyles are torn from their churches. This is the image I came up with after reading this story of yours, though, I can't exactly explain why.
Suggestions and Thoughts:
I would suggest line-breaking to give it a clearer format. Once done, see what words are repetitive and replace/remove them.
You might try adding more description. It wouldn't hurt to give a bit more information into what you have in mind with this story.
You said, "...the tattered books are the open ones". (My favorite line! Nice!)
Instead of saying to the reader they are marching to a beat, a drum, if you will, perhaps give us a sound? Boom, boom, and feet fall...? Just a thought.
Watch for it's that should be its and the wold that should be world.
I think this has potential. Thanks for sharing! Keep writing!
Jimminy, A PDG gang member