Hi John! I'm Dad, and I found this reading the Recent Reviews link.
Ah, vengeance! A dish best served cold. And the Eaton's vengeance is certainly cold. This is great. We've all had a neighbor who we couldn't stand, and I'm sure I have also been the neighbor someone couldn't stand.
I like the way you solve the Eaton's dilemma. Hopefully, you didn't experience this first hand.
Hello, Thankful Sonali Happy 26 WDC!, my old friend. And by "old," I mean we've been friends for a while, and not some ageist comment. After all, I think I'm older than you are.
I'll give you 3 guesses how I found this, And Read & Review link is the only guess I'll accept!
This is a nice, well-written essay. In a piece like this, names are unnecessary, and I was glad to see you refrained from using any. You may not have noticed, but I have used a name only once, my grandson's name in "A birth announcement limerick" .
I think my only suggestion is the genres. The contest is over, get rid of that. Get rid of Other Replace them with Friendship, Personal, or Experience.
Hi, Lightworks! I'm Dad, and I found this clicking on the Read & Review link!
You've sold this well. It is what it says it is. Dark, scary, Gothic. Well done. I'm not usually into dark, scary Gothic things, but this works for me, which is important. It's not that difficult to sell a to you core audience. Give us what we what, whether it's a luxury car, a winning baseball team, or a dark scary Gothic poem, amd we'll at the very least check it out. It's a lot more difficult to sell someone something that they aren't interested in, a Yugo, a losing hockey team, or a dark scary Gothic poem. Yet you did it. Very good.
In most places, the cadence felt very good. In others, it felt a little off. For example:
Oblation won't hide you from his eternal bite,
for his pale cold white hands reap.
Perhaps like this:
Oblation won't hide you from his eternal bite,
for his pale cold hands will reap.
That's just a minor detail. Otherwise, I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi, Soldier_Mike! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link
And am I ever glad I did! I rarely give 5 stars. 5 stars means nearly perfect. Is there anything wrong with this? Maybe the fact they you let me sing it out loud? (Are you ever glad I didn't subject you to that!). As a lifelong Cubs fans, with my 1st season as a fan in 1969, and married to a Braves fan, I feel your pain. (1969 - I still haven't forgive those damned Mets - d'ya feel my pain?)
These are excellent lyrics. I thoroughly enjoyed this.
I invite you to check out a baseball related devotional I posted, "Ultimate Grand Slam" . I'd like to hear what you have to say.
Hi, Jacky! I'm Dad, and I found this clicking on the Read & Review link.
What follows is simply one man's opinion. Take whatever you want, and ignore the rest!
Although I am not a fan of flash fiction, you have done a marvelous job with this. Without naming names, you quickly establish two fleshed out characters, not an easy task with the limits of flash fiction. (Looking back, I guess you do mention Jeff's name, but...) You really don't tell us much about you and Jeff, yet I was able to easily see 2 rambunctious 8-year-old cajoling a night "roughing it."
There are a couple of minor things I would mention. First, give a word count. It seems minor, because it is, but it helps. The second thing is genre. Contest Entry is fine, IMHO, until the contest is over. Until then, I'd recommend you add a couple more genres, and when the contest is over and enough time has elapsed (don't ask me when that is, I don't think there's a good answer to that question!) get rid of that genre, and get one that more closely identifies this. I would suggest any of the following: Personal, Experience, Biographical, Family, Friendship, or Relationship. You need to get more eyes on this. It's very good. And the beauty is, you get to decide which genres to list it in!
Hi, Magoo! I'm Dad, and I found this clicking on the Read & Review link!
This is a good, fun little poem. There's nothing to dislike about it. It gets in, does as it is advertised, and gets out. Almost too quickly. It feels like you got to the end of the 5th stanza and said, OK, enough. The end. In other words, it feels, like you just stopped in the middle of the story. If "leave 'em wantin' more" was your intention, you succeeded. But to me, it feel unfinished.
Another thing is genre. Comedy, of course. This is funny. But why not Science Fiction? Satire might fit, too. Anything to get more eyes on this fun poem.
I see no glaring errors in spelling, grammar, etc.
Hi, Words Whirling Round! I'm Dad, and this popped up when I clicked on the Read & Review link!
First of all, I'm not a cat person. I like Dogs. (My dog, named Dad's Dog, is sleeping on my lap as I write this.) Secondly, I rarely give 5 stars. For me, 5 stars is nearly perfect. That said, I gave this 5 stars. It has earned it.
Hi, Carwena K Bobak! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Reac & Review link!
I like this. You first establish how important freshly made bacon is, a sentiment that is deeply shared by the Dad family. Then comes the drama, and the dramatic solution to said problem, and it ends with a reiteration of the importance of not wasting bacon. All written in a style that feels almost accidentally humorous. Very well done.
If anything, I would add a 3rd genre. Get more eyes on this great humorous poem.
Hi Cubby~Camping again...! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on Read & Review link!
I have one very minor gigantic objection to this. Your genre Women. Trust me. As a "man of a certain age," us guys also fail to recognize that person in the mirror, too.
This is an excellent poem. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi, bobaturn! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link
This is a great story. Dialogue-only stories can be difficult to pull off. You have done so masterfully. I see Johnny as a precocious 4-year-old. The problem with that is, his vocabulary is rather advanced for a 4-year-old, even a precocious one. Would I change what he says? Absolutely not. This is very good the way it is, and messing with it could screw that up.
Hello again, my old friend, Thankful Sonali Happy 26 WDC! Once again you pop up when I click on the Read & Review link!
This is a really good poem, with a very good and very important message. I think I knew and forgot to remember that you are a teacher. IMHO, some of the rhymes were a bit of a stretch. For example:
But there's something unspoken
Undetected, Intangible
Values that must not be broken
That we impart if we're able.
Not really a rhyme. But it's likely that I'm nitpicking.
Also, the genres. You wrote this for a contest 5 yeads ago. Change the 1st genre to Experience or Personal, or something like that.
Otherwise I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi, Teller of Tales! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read and Review link!
I found this to be very confusing. There are several easy to do things you could do to vastly improve this. Show us early on that the girls are not twins. Change the names of one of the girls. Establish quickly that Mandy is older. Personally, I think Mandy should be the one to resent sharing a birthday party. On the other hand, Sandy inviting the entire 3rd grade seems spot on to me.
This is not irreparable. There are just things you can do to improve it.
Hi, Jeffrey Meyer Isn't Too Bright ! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link
You draw a picture very clearly at the beginning, but it gets murkier as the piece progresses. I could see the boys out playing Frisbee, but as you look into the future, the clarity diminishes.
That's not to say this is bad. To me, this feels more like notes for a longer story. Think about doing that. It might be something to really think about.
I would suggest that you eliminate Contest Entry as the first genre. Experience, Personal, maybe even Melodrama would be a better choice. This Contest is over. Give it a thought.
As it is, I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi, Octothorpe! I'm Dad, and this popped up when I clicked on the Read & Review link.
I have to admit that I figured it out about halfway through. You still received 4 stars, so I must not have held that against you. This really is a very good story. The pacing is good, it's not too scary. When you set the stage at 2:30, my brain went PM rather than AM. That might be me, but a quick note setting it as nighttime might be in order. Nothing elaborate, just a short observation. Rocco was glad the clouds covered the moon. Something like that.
Hi Jatog the Green! I'm Dad, and I found this jewel by clicking on the Read & Review link!
The following is just one man's opinion. The fact that our opinions on the subject coincide did not affect my ranking in any way.
This is a well written, well thought-out poem. It is metrically sound, and the rhyming scheme is spot on.
I am not an expert in poetry. Thank you for explaining Anapestic Tetrameter and giving the example, so dolts like me can better understand what you are doing.
There is one thing i would have you change. That is genres. Opinion? Of course. Contest Entry? The contest was 11 years ago. Get rid of that genre and replace it with LGBTQ+. I'd also have you add Personal, Experience, whatever you feel fits.
Otherwise I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi Koyel~writing again! I'm Dad, and I found this clicking on the Read & Review link.
I'll openly admit. It's probably me. I didn't get it. This poem is written just fine. I see no errors. I simply don't get it.
Not that there is nothing to like about this. On the contrary, I like the way you repeat the lines from the first stanza throughout the poem. That ties it all together, unifying it. Good job.
One thing I noticed. The contest was 17 years ago. I would recommend changing the 1st genre to Experience, or Personal, something more pertinent.
Hi tombrown12! I'm Dad, and I found this clicking on the read & review link!
Ya learn something new every day. I knew silver was the metal of choice for millenia, but did not know the why. Now I do.
Your article lays out the reasons in a logical, practical manner, without being preachy. You avoid the pitfalls that often come with an article like this. Good job.
Hi spidey! I'm Dad, and I came across this by clicking on the Read & Review link
I read this. Then I reread this. I said, something just seems out of place in this. So I read it again. Yep, something is out of place. Then, I read the description and found that it was my brain that was misplaced.
So, naturally, I had to check and make sure I read the secret message.
This is a good acrostic. And in reading it so many times, I got a good idea of what you are saying. I like the way you make us explore his fears, daring us to see ourselves in his fears. Good job!
Hi Kenzie! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is a very uplifting article. I know a lot of young people would not agree with your thesis, (I would not have, back in the day) but let's look at the record. Mom and I are active Christians. We try to put things that belong in the Lord's hands in the Lord's hands. Considering we have been married 41 years, I guess we're doing something right.
Hi Joto-Kai! I'm Dad and I found this by clicking on the Read and Review link.
It took me a couple of reads to really understand what I was reading. That's not bad, not good. It's just an observation. It also took me a couple of reads to realize the rhyming scheme. If I've ever read a poem with this scheme before, I don't remember, but I like it! The story told in your poem is minimalist, but again, that's just an observation. However, as opposed to most things told in a minimalistic way are difficult to understand, this is easier to comprehend, which I like.
Hi, Sumojo! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link!
I truly fear what my family would write if they did this for me. If ignorance is bliss, please let me be giddy with joy!
All kidding aside, this is a very nice piece of prose, and the gifts must be something that you treasure for the rest of eternity. This is well written, especially for a short-short. I think the only change I would suggest is here. Instead of saying:
I don’t like surprises so fervently I hoped there would not be a surprise party
I think it would read more easily this way:
I don’t like surprises so I fervently hoped there would not be a surprise party.
Hi, Jeffrey Meyer! I'm Dad, and I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.!
This is heavy. And dark. And disturbing. And, to my understanding, true. Honest. Gut-wrenching. Fortunately, I have never been divorced, and Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) were married to the day he died.
You have written this well. We can see and feel your pain through your writing. It's a difficult tightrope walk to show your emotions without becoming maudlin, and IMHO, you have succeeded.
This has a good hook. You have done very well setting this up as Chapter 1. The only thing i question is believability. If the Baron is the despot you portray, why does he keep a rival around? As you set this up, Gregory is not the keep your friends close, and your enemies closer type. Perhaps it's explained in later chapters, in which case, ignore this comment.
Technically I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Hi StephBee! I'm Dad, and I found this my clicking on the Read & Review link!
Turns out, this is one of my favorite renditions of one of my favorite Christmas songs.
So, that can tend to make me super hypercritical. Fortunately for you, there' nothing to be critical bout. The acrostic is exactly what you advertised. I like the bolding of the first letter in each line to emphasize the title. I like the reverence you applied to the subject. The only thing i found to mention is, I had to reread YOU several times. Why? IMHO, it's missing a comma in this line:
On high, voices sing
And that's all I can see. Besides that, I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jman17724
un: 
View Portfolio
View Season Page
Visit Notebook
View Community
Send Gift Points
Send Awardicon
Community Feed
Puzzle Hub
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Writings
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Sheets
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Workspaces
