I found this by clicking on the read & review link.
Remember: This is just one mans opinion.
This is a good start. A good review and rewrite would help a great deal. J found this difficult to read because of punctuation errors. There are numerous extraneous commas scattered throughout this. Also, I think establishing that the narrator is a T Rex who doesn't like that name would be very helpful. I also think accepting the Compys name and the Orni...whatever's name but not his own is somewhat contradictory. Basically, this looks like a good outline for a story to me, it just needs fleshing out.
Two very important things for me: The description: "a story from a dinosaur's point of view."
I'm not reading it. "A Jurassic Park like story told from a dinosaur's point of view." I might read it, if I can find it. Which leads directly to the second point: Ge res. The contest was 15 years ago. I hope contest entrants are still waiting 15 years later. Change the genre. Other. Nobody looks in Other to read something. Change it. Fanfiction. Perfect! Use that as your first genre. Others you should consider include Action/Adventure, Drama, Nature, Animal, you choose.
Like I said, this is not bad. It needs work. Use this piece as an outline for something bigger and better. You can do it. I have confidence in your abilities.
I may not be the right person to judge free-form poetry, as I am not a fan, but I'll give it my best shot.
IMHO, this is not bad, just average. I feel that poetry should draw a picture of what it is describing, and I got just fleeting scraps of a picture. I understand that you are attempting to describe the the first longings of intense physical interpersonal interactions. As I recall from 50+ years ago, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with each female I saw, I just didn't know how to do it. Maybe if the male portion of the poem a sense what do I do? it might make things a little more picturesque. Overall, this is not bad.
I see no glaring were, nothing I would change.
Thank you for the GPs and the offer. I was greatly surprised and hobby your request. And I hope I have helped you.
I found this by clicking on the Read &Review link.
This is very good. You make us feel her tension building, and when it gets to the boiling point, when hubbikins steps in, I could actually feel MY blood pressure drop as she relaxes. Excellent! Very good job!
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
First off, what I feel is a minor detail, while being very important at the same time. Your genres are Contest Entry, and Other. We want people to read our stories. That is why we post. No one looks in those genres. The contest was 3 years ago. Ditch that genre. Ditch "Other". I'd recommend Family, Comedy, Personal, maybe Experience. You'll likely get more people reading this.
And on that note, this is good. I feel that, now that the contest is over, you should consider extending this. I think it could be improved by giving a little detail.
Otherwise, i see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is not bad. The rhyming scheme is spot on. The cadence seemed strained at times, but not too far off. Please remember that 3.5 stars is better than average.
I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Ah, the trevails of education. It's not how we learn, it's that we learn. Unfortunately, I too have had the misfortune of learning about poison ivy the wrong way.
This is very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. (other than realizing it's poison ivy earlier, you understand). One thing I might suggest is a word count. That said, you don't see them on my post either.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This was very good. I like your take on the contracts between us and subjugated species. I grew up on a farm, so I have a pretty good idea of the outcome of those negotiations. I think one thing I'd have you do is add chickens to your list. After all, we steal their young (eggs), and when they stop giving them, we eat them. Doesn't seem like a good deal for them to me. (Truth in Advertising: I'm not much for eating chicken myself, but love eggs!)
Another thing I noticed: The contest was 5 years ago. I recommend you remove the Contest Entry and replace it with another.
Overall, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I recommend changing.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good, but it has issues. You say the birds were chirping within the tree, and later, the milk is within his hand. I think using the simpler "in" is a better choice. I get pictures of the birds inside the tree, and the half gallon inside his hand.
I also think you should bring out his superstitious nature a little better. Maybe at the beg, say, he superstitiously rubbed the lucky rabbit's foot. Maybe, after dressing, have him do a superstitious ritual before leaving. Note that he follows the same path every time he goes to the gas station.
Another thing: The contest was 15 years ago. Change the genre. Supernatural is perfect. I would add Comedy, and maybe Dark. You, of course, choose.
I found no glaring errors, like misspellings, grammar, things like that.
Please remember that this is just one man's opinion. As it is, this a good piece of writing and I'm glad you shared it for me to find. Thank you.
I found this by looking at the Recent Reviews list, and thought I'd give it a go.
I agree with Cubby: There is a problem with Paragraph 4. My suggestion is this: Instead of "I’m not sure what mirror me is looking at in the mirror," maybe "I'm not sure what the me in the mirror is looking at...". Just a suggestion.
Otherwise, this is good. I also got a kick out of this. When the wife slaps him ,I see the glee in Mom's face if I ever asked her to slap me.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read &Review link.
Congratulations! You got a 5-star rating from Dad. I don't normally give out a 5-star rating. Five stars is nearly, or absolutely perfect. This fits. I would add the genre Inspirational, but that doesn't detract from the prayer. Thank you for sharing.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is well thought out and well written. Not to take anything away from you, as surrogate dad for numerous children, boys and girls, I assure you that boys can feel the sting of rejection by the sperm donor as well, and it's heart-breaking.
I figured I'd check your port as long as I was at it, saw this, and said, eh, why not. First off, the rating on this should also be 18+, same reason I gave you earlier.
This is also well thought out, well written, and memorable. I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. One very important thing I have to mention. You rated E. This is definitely note E. Please change the rating. Upper Management can change the rating, and the ratings will be locked, and you wouldn't be able to change it. Yes, I am guilty. I stupidly left Maria Ekena and the Pirates at E, a bounced a ratings check. Oops. I would recommend 18+.
OK. Back to this. I found this to well thought out, well written. There is very little character development, but strangely for me, that doesn't detract from the piece.
I see no other glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
I found this to be a downer, which may have affected my rating. I prefer upbear, uplifting works. This is not bad. It is well written. Technically there are no issues.
One more link to follow, one more dropped gauntlet pick up. Yes us elder statesmen (or old farts, you choose) must hang together, lest they hang us separately.
This is very good. Well thought out, well executed.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. Other than the errors of my youth. I wouldn't excise them so much as go back and improve them. Maybe they are errors, but now I know how to have more fun doing them.
I invite you to my portfolio to browse & see if there is anything that might strike your fancy.
I followed your link. This is very good. I do hear CSN's Dark Star in this. *sigh* I must be in a Moody Blues mood, because I heard The Late Lament in this, too.
This is excellent as well. Well thought out, well executed. I had a friend in high school (I won't tell you how old I am, but I graduated in 1978, a few years before I was born) & he liked to write poetry based on songs on the radio. His Forte was John Denver songs. We lost touch years ago.
I found this following a link on the Recent Reviews link.
Boy do I sympathize. There are days when I would ask myself who Donna is and why she is pushing buttons, and end up writing about the chemical chemical component dihydrogen monoxide, the distance from Chicago to a degree in Japanese literature, or Denebian Slime Devils!
This is very well written, well thought out, evenly paced and funny. Since the contest is 9 years in the past, you might want to remove Contest Entry from the genres and add a different on.
This to be not bad. I think it would have been better as a story, filling it in with many more details. Talk about the people met along the way, describing the sites seen, etc.
Bear in my, this is just one man's opinion.
I see no glaring err, nothing that needs to be changed.
I found this by clicking on on the Read & Review link.
This is not bad. The green font at the beginning is very difficult to read, which did bring down the score. The purple font of the body I much easier to read. I recommend changing the color on the introduction to a darker green.
Otherwise, this is good. I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. The dialogue sounds reasonably natural, the scenario is something that 4 year olds would worry about, especially if the 4 year Olds were celebrating their first Florida Christmas. I do have a suggestion. The genres. Contest Entry was fine 3 years ago. The contest, I assume, is over. Get rid of that genre, and relace it with others. I would recommend Family, Comedy, Holiday, things like that.
Also, third line from the end has an extraneous quote mark.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else i would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. I see a definite film noir bit on this. Humphrey Bogart and Peter Lorre as the brothers, Lauren Bacall as the girl the father, played by Broderick Crawford (who is actually younger than the 2 previously mentioned actors). Maybe get Spencer Tracy or Burgess Meredith to play the lawyer. The movie's gotta be black and white.
Seriously, I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is good. It is, in a word, authentic. I do believe that when listing things that can be mistaken for love, lust must be listed. For example, during his teens, Joe lusted after anything in a dress. In his 20s, he met Sue. It was love at first sight, and he instantly new the difference.
You still received 4.5 ⭐ stars. Bear in mind this is just one man's opinion.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jman17724
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 3:12pm on May 18, 2025 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
