Happy 18th WdCversary, mlnck. I chose this for a birthday review.
I wasn't expecting much in 298 words. I was surprised. This is very good. I will say that I think this deserves more than just one genre. Dark is perfect. Perhaps Personal, or Experience. Look over the genre list and add some. This deserves more than one genre. The more genres you pit on it, the more eyes will get to look at it.
Happy 15th WdCversary, Noctem. I chose this for a birthday review!
First and foremost, I have to say that this is better than I expected going in. I fully expected to read two lines and give up. This is actually pretty good. It is well structured and well executed. You have done well.
Happy WdCversary, afamwriter-PEN=MAGIC WAND. I chose this for a birthday review!
This is very good. It is an insightful, helpful tutorial. Very well done. Have you considered other grammar tutorials? I known that I've had trouble with commas.
Happy 18th WdCversary, terre. I chose this for a birthday review.
This is extremely good. This is very close to a 5-star rating, and I don't often give out 5 stars.
In the first paragraph, you say: and focus on her parents and finally succumbs to a delirious sleep.
I think you are missing a word. I think you mean: and focus on her parents and she finally succumbs to a delirious sleep.
In the third paragraph, you say: The child was fighting against something than herself.. Do you mean: The child was fighting against something other than herself.?
I know your parents struggle. I am the father of a very sick newborn, and the great-uncle of a childhood leukemia survivor. I know your parents struggle, and my heart goes out to them and to you. Both my son and my great nephew survived and are thriving. Son turns 40 in December, and has provided my wife and I with 2 grandkids, and we are eternally grateful to God for that and to the prayers of friend, family, and strangers. Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Happy 5th WdVsary, Roy! I chose this for a birthday review.
This is a good outline. I wish I had the to e to read the finished. Maybe this weekend. It has piqued my interest, which is what you want with an outline/synopsis.
I recommend you change the 2nd genre and add a 3rd. I'd recommend Experience, Inspirational, maybe Educational. There may be other genres that apply. Nobody looks in the genre Otber for something to read, and getting eyes on our words is why we post our creations.
Happy 1st WdCversary, batbird117. I chose this for a birthday review!
This is excellent. Great choice of birds, by the by, as ravens are among the most intelligent birds. (Ah, the things you can learn en route to looking up other things!). The build up, the interspersed background, the general despicable jerk Stritter is. May isn't any more likeable, IMHO, but that doesn't matter. You have done very well.
Happy 4th WdCversary, Adherennium! I chosen this for a birthday review
This is good, in a goofy, fun way. In the beginning, even with the rating, I was ready for some pretty, bare-breasted young ladies "getting to know" some hunky bare-chested young men, as a parody of 70s slasher films. Zoinks, I was wrong. It's even better! The checklist is a nice touch. Bringing in the Scooby gang is inspired. There is a lot to like here.
Happy 22nd WdCversary, wordteacher. I chose this for a birthday review!
It took me several lines to get into this. Maybe the beginning needs work, maybe it was me. But I did get into this and this is good. I thoroughly enjoyed this. It had a certain Dr. Seuss style to it, which is high praise. As we got to the end, I saw Neville and Christ Jesus drawn in the Seussian style.
Happy 16tn WdCversary, Blaine! I chose this for a birthday review.
This is good, but it does have some issues. Personally, I think you should spend more time on the set up, or shorten that and spend more time with Gwen. IMHO, cut short the set up. Read differently, it could come off as whiney. Say something like, "The school through a 7th grade dance. I said to myself, what's the worst that would happen if I asked the prettiest girl in the 7th grade to the dance. Unfortunately, I found out. She laughed in my face. In front of the entire 7th grade. I never asked another girl out.
Then go into the meeting with Gwen. Give it a try.
Happy WdCversary, Happy to write. I chose this for a birthday review.
This is not bad, but it needs some work. In a lot of places, you are telling us what the characters are thinking. Show us instead. For example, in the first paragraph, you tell us that she doesn't go to Oz any more. Show us. You could show us by recounting a conversation with her husband. Maybe he wonders why she doesn't go. Perhaps he doesn't want her to go. Maybe she recounts a conversation with her husband to the next door neighbor, wistfully wishing she could go.
There are other places where you need to expand on this. Myra and Dora could use some fleshing out. You did a good job of that when Myra snatched the lock box, and when Dora was ready to knock her block off.
Also, there is no ending. There is no wrap up. What happens to the girls. Does Dorothy figure out where they've gone and go get them? You leave us hanging, unfulfilled.
All in all, IMHO, what you have here is a good beginning to a great story. An outline, maybe. Please revisit this and expand it.
One final thought, change the first genre from Contest to Children's.
Happy 23rd WdCversary, Ariel. I chose this for a birthday review!
This is very good, but I feel like it needs some editing. The flow is good, the rhyming scheme is excellent. I think the cadence needs some work. Feel free to use poetic forms. For example, in the 1st stanza you say: "Imagine racing along a rainbow. Try: "Imagine racing 'long a rainbow. See if that flows better. There are other places when a different word, or a poetic form would help the flow as well.
All in all, this earned its 4-star rating, and it's not far from 4.5. You hhave do e well
Happy 17th WdCversary, smithy. I chose this for a birthday review.
This is good. However, in the first line, you say, The alternate verses are the differing points of view of both people. What you mean is The alternating verses are the differing points of view of both people. The difference is that "alternate" means you have different verses that we don't see. "Alternating" describes what you have done here.
That is a very minor thing. You have done well.
I see no other glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Dawn Cavalier! I chose this for a birthday review.
And am I glad I did! This is very good! But IMHO, it needs some work. First of all, please please please please use genres! Nobody ever looks for something to read in the genre Other. This is too good to be lost in the desert that is Other! I would recommend Young Adult, and Personal, Experience, Friendship or anything you feel would fit. Getting eyes on our stories is why we post. Please don't bury this in Other.
I like the unsolicited advice winning the game for him (her?). I think this is crying out for an extension. Follow it up. Where is goes is entirely up to you. Does this lead to a dark descent into unimaginable horror? Or perhaps romance? Just a friend to pal around with? Explore heretofore unknown urges? Or perhaps unacknowledged urges the lead tried hide from himself? You have an absolutely awesome beginning here! Rind with it! Let your imagination run wild! That is how the vast majority of my writing started.
I did see one glaring error. Just before he receives the text, you say: "Maybe that's why I chose solitaire, though I couldn't tell you if was to rekindle it or snuff it out completely.". I don't know what the hell you're trying to tell me here. I think it's missing a word or too.
Otherwise, this is an excellent beginning to a fantastic story.
This is average. Not bad, just average. I saw a couple of glaring errors. About midway through, you say Oh baby gotdam I miss you so much.. I think you mean, Oh baby goddam I miss you so much.
Later, you say, People donut understand the connection we share.. I think you mean, People do not understand the connection we share.
Other things, I think the cadence could use some work. The rhyming scheme is OK. Again, this is not bad, just average. I think if you work on it, it could be good. As it is, to me it feels like an outline, a first draft. I encourage you to work on this. You ca. Make it a lot better.
I hope you and your love are still together. Best of luck!
Happy 1st WdCversary, Mr. Mans! I chose this for a birthday review!
This is good, but IMHO, needs some work. I understand that this was for a contest that limited you to 300 words. I assume that the contest is over. Expand this. As it is, it raises numerous questions, and answers none of them. Give us a little more background. Who are Jen and Jacob? Are they still child? Adults? You say this is a YA story. I think you need to make that clearer. Give us the ages of the teenagers. Not necessarily "Jen is 14 and Jacob is 15" type of thing. Maybe refer to them in passing as teenagers. Or, "We've been friends since the 1st grade, Jacob! You've gotta trust me!"
Like I said, this is not bad. Chante third genre from Contest Entry to Suspense or Sci Fi or something like that.
Happy 1st WdCversary, Marius Kylanthean! I chose this for a birthday review!
To sum it up in one word, WOW!
This is great! You have done very well. From the set up, with the strangeness of the situation, through the building of the tension, into the apparent resolution, and a face-first slam in the twist at the end. Well done!
This is well thought out, well-executed, and well written.
Happy 3rd WdCversary, N Tropee! I chose this for a bit review
This is a well written piece. Your thoughts are discussed in an orderly manner. For free form poetry, the cadence is good. In all, Nat a bad piece of writing.
Happy 15th WdCversary, Amay. I chose this for a birthday review!
This is very good! What a cute idea, retelling Little Red Riding Hood from the wolf's point of view! And I love how you made him a small-time mobster, see? I even read his dialogue in Jimmy Cagney's voice. (Please tell me you know who Jimmy Cagney was!) The characters were consistent, the action built at a steady pace. Making the kid LRR's brother was inspired! Overall, a very good read!
Happy 12th WdCversayr, Whitemorn! I chose this for a birthday review!
This is good. It is a nice, whimsical story. IMHO, though, it needs some work. It feels like an outline for a longer story. What I would suggest is that you use this as an outline. Extend this. You tell us a lot of information. Rather than show it to us, tell us. Give us the action. As it is, it feels more like something I'd read in a newspaper. It's not personal. Make us part of this act. You can do this! It just takes some work.
Happy 20th WdCversary, jom86. I chose this for a birthday review!
This is very good. I like the smarmy way you introduce the poetry. You are right, these re not classic works of art. Neither is Edward Lear, one of the most important 19th century nonsense poets. Remember, not everything has to be Shakespeare. (Compare my poem, "A Really Lousy Poem" : Pure nonsense!)
Very good on explaining the professional jargon. It helped understand what I was reading.
Happy 12th WdCversary, suzy bazaar! I chose this for a birthday review!
This is good. IMHO, there are a few issues to tackle. First, you rate this as E. For your sake, please raise the rating. I would suggest that you change it to 13+. If senior staff rerates it for you, the rating will be locked and you will be unable to change it. The rating of one of my stories is locked because of my inattention to this detail and left a GC story with an E rating. (They gave it an 18+, but I would've been been harsher).
For another thing, I like the font you used. However, it's hard to read. Please make it easier on our eyes by increasing the font size. I use font size 5 on most of my writing.
Now. On to the things I liked. I like her being confident in herself. Excellent! I like the fact that she knows she's not physically beautiful, knows that could work against her and doesn't care. Good character development. I like that he explains his growth to her (and us). They are both likeable, at least until we get to know them better.
I have to admit that when he mentioned his first wife's death, I got a hint that he was not just relieved, but perhaps somehow involved in it. Maybe something to think about if you ever want to do sequel (is she safe with him?) or a prequel (was he actually involved, or were they just nasty rumors?) Of course, if you are finished with the story, this is a good complete story as it is.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy 14th WdCversary, mucker59! I chose this for a birthday review!
Please remember that this is just one man's opinion. This is not bad. This needs so e work. First off, I think you should break this up into 4-line stanzas, instead of the 2-line stands you have. For example, this first stanza currently reads:
If you practice magic at too early of an age
It can really be quite tragic and you'll never be a mage
IMHO, it should read like this:
If you practice magic
at too early of an age
It can really be quite tragic
and you'll never be a mage
The wording, the cadence in that stanza is very good. The other stanzas need word. Their cadence is off, throwing off the rhythm of your piece.
Overall, this is not bd. Please remember that 3 stars is average. It's not a bad score. Like I said, with a little bit of work, this could be very good.
Happy 22nd WdCversary, DD Cooper! I chose this for a birthday review.
This is different. I don't know if I've ever read anything like this before. This is not bad.
I did find so e typos in this. When you write Im, please include the apostrophe, making it I'm. For me it is very off-putting, and hurts the piece's overall effect.
Overall, this is not bad. I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
Happy WdCversary, Charl. I chose this for a birthday review.
This is interesting. I think it is possibly too short. We don't need to know who you are leaving, but it might be nice to have a little more detail. Had you been together for a few months, or was it a long term relationship. short reason why you are leaving could improve this. Was your job eliminated? Are you going back to the US (or UK, Australia, or wherever?). Did he have someone else? You don't need to spend a lot of time explaining this, just a brief nugget. For example:
Then the ache hits.
The curse of being a woman—
Try this:
Then the ache hits.
The curse of being a woman—
Needed in London, need to go
Family responsibilities
But he didn't want me to go
But I had to
The curse of being a woman
Like I said. This I not bad.
Write on
Smiles
Dad
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Happy 6th WdCversary, Jessie 
Happy 1st WdCversary, Mr. Mans! I chose this for a birthday review!
Happy 1st WdCversary, Marius Kylanthean! I chose this for a birthday review! 
Happy 15th WdCversary, Amay. I chose this for a birthday review! 
Happy 20th WdCversary, jom86. I chose this for a birthday review! 
Happy 12th WdCversary, suzy bazaar! I chose this for a birthday review! 
