blue jellybaby's (joanne4eva) Reviews

blue jellybaby

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3,537 Public Reviews Given

4,150 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!

I'm good at...

I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!

Favorite Genres

Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.

Favorite Item Types

Statics - fiction.

151

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#3959673

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 12"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This is the chapter where Micah is just about to leave for his prom. He's worrying again and when he gets downstairs he's surrounded by a group of women, family and neighbours, who all want a picture of him. I thought this was a little intense in a way but then perhaps they are a close knit community.

Pacing and flow: I felt this was a slower chapter. I'm still waiting for Micah to get to the prom and I feel like, at chapter twelve when he's still not there, it's being dragged out a little. I have to wonder why.

POV and tense: I caught a few slips of tense within this chapter. You write it in the past tense which is fine and it works well but on occasion I notice the way something is written that brings it into the present. It disrupts the flow of the story for the reader.

Characters: Micah is the centre of attention in this chapter!

'He took a quick glance around the room, trying to delay what was to come. '

Use this as a base and really show the reader how he feels. Why is he trying to delay it? Is he nervous, anxious, apprehensive? What are his physical symptoms? Is he sweating? How's his stomach?

Setting: This all takes place in Micah's home. We get a sense of it being a little small with all those people there.

Atmosphere and tone: Anxiety over the upcoming event.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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152

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#3959669

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 11"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: This chapter starts back with Micah as he's getting ready for the prom. He struggles with his bowtie and his sister Veronica comes in to help. The chapter then switches back to Phillips' office. Here again I'd suggest using *** to make it clearer to the reader. The toughs take the files and Phillips with them when they leave.

Pacing and flow: This chapter was a bit more paced and worked well for the information and subjects it focused on. I think in particular the second part worked well and read as it should have.

Characters: One thing I would say here with Phillips, is that he's almost certain he's not going to survive whatever is coming next. Show the reader his fear. Show them the internal thoughts he has and the physical reactions. He must be terrified, who wouldn't be? Unarmed and vulnerable. Really help the reader see it. For example, you write:

He quietly followed the shorter of the two Van Rossum employees out to the parking lot.

You could have something like:

He quietly followed the shorter of the two Van Rossum employees out to the parking lot. His mind worked overtime, thinking of something anything. He had to get out. The goons walked just ahead of him, dumb and dumber. He eyed them. He knew he couldn't take them, not both of them without a weapon. His eyes darted to the left. A way out? His legs braced and muscles in his arms tensed. He was about to take off and leave them with his dust when they both turned to face him.

"Get in the car," Hannah ordered.

Setting: The setting of this changes between Micah's room and Phillip's office. Again I'd suggest just adding a little more description in. Show the reader what sort of places these characters spend their time in, it'll show more about their personality.

Atmosphere and tone: Here I felt like I wanted to be more scared for Phillips. He feels like he's facing death but at the minute I don't see any fear or apprehension.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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153

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#3959664

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 10"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook and title: Hey I'm back with my next review! I've spruced up my template a little so you may notice some changes but it might be a little easier for you when you read it

Storyline: The chapter starts out with Kiliaen sitting in his office and going over the reports. He's concerned about a family painting that has gone missing and hopes the reports Phillips has done will shed some light.

This chapter then switches to Phillips himself. I'd suggest putting *** in here to make it clear to the reader that there's a change. Phillips is in his office too and looking at the lists he should have given to Kiliaen but didn't and wondering why a name is bothering him so much.

Pacing and flow: The pace of this chapter is quite slow. There isn't a lot of action as both men are sitting in their offices sitting and reading. I think the long-winded description of the painting was a bit too much too. Re read it and ask yourself, does the reader need to know all of that?

POV and tense: This is written in the third person past tense point of view. It follows two characters separately here.

Characters: We don't really learn a lot more about the characters in this chapter, although the reader is coming to realise just how ruthless Phillips really is.

Setting: Both parts of this chapter take place in offices. Help the reader see them. I'm not really sure what they look like, feel like, smell like.

Dialogue: There's not an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter and while that's okay, I think having more dialogue would help increase the pace.

Line by line suggestions: ▼

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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154

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#3959127

Review of A Friend Offering Second Chances

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey Yellow, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. I chose this piece because the title stood out to me but the description really intrigued me. It made me wonder what challenge this was. I suggest maybe posting a link to it at the bottom of your item if you can so the reader could check it out.

Storyline: To me this reads like a letter to a friend, one that intends to bring your friend out of a bad place and into the light. If this is the case I might suggest adding at the start, 'Dear... ' just to clarify. Perhaps also changing the item type from other to letter.

Pacing and flow: This piece flowed well throughout.

Atmosphere and tone: This piece was quite sad because it reflected the feelings that the friend was having but the narrator never gives up on that friend and does everything possible to bring the friend around.

{dropnote:"Line by line suggestions:"}

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear and any comments will be in orange

What if it were me, you would do all you could to help?

What if it were me? You would do all you could to help.
Here I just think I'd change the sentence around a little because it didn't feel like the question mark should be at the end.

A don't want to see you cry any longer.

I don't want to see you cry any longer.
I think this should be 'I'.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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155

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#3959124

Review of A Narrow Escape.

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook and title: Hey, I wanted to return the review you did for me. I tend to prefer fiction so I had a spy in your 55 word story folder and I saw this one. The title was quite catching and suggested a lot of action.

Storyline: In this, Sergeant Steve leaves his office and, sensing danger, checks under his car.

Pacing and flow: There was quite a bit of tension in this for such a short piece and it worked well.

Characters: This story focused on Sergeant Steve as he did something he probably did everyday but it gave the reader a good glimpse of his character and how he reacts to things, specifically that he follows his instincts.

Atmosphere and tone: As I mentioned there was quite a bit of tension in this piece which made me want to know what would happen and when and how!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

156

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14 days may be credited.

#3957797

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 9"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: Hey Rojodi

I'm back with another review of your novel

Storyline: When you start a new chapter it might be worth, rather than saying 'he', use the name there because it will help ground the reader and ensure they know who is talking.

The chapter starts with Micah as he's sitting down to try and write out his dream and the Presence talks to him in his head about the dream and about other things, including his girlfriend Antoinette.

The second part of this chapter focuses on Antoinette as she's getting ready for the prom. She talks with her mum about her fears about her ex-partner.

Characters:

Nathan Vaughn - this is Micah's father. He tells Micah that rather than reaching for a career doing what he loved he should be doing something else. He comes across as a sensible man, one maybe without passion.

Setting: This takes place in Micah's and then Antoinette's. I think it would be a good idea to have a bit more description in about the settings. What do the rooms look like? How big are they? What are their main colours? What accessories do they have? This sort of thing will help the reader understand the personality of the characters more.

Atmosphere/tone: There is again more concern in this chapter. They are both still worrying about the same thing. The theme is getting a little repetivtive and I'm looking forward to moving on from the worry about the prom to the actual prom.

Dialogue: The Presence offers him advice and guidance and I think that's quite interesting and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. I do think that maybe when Micah is having a conversation with the Presence in his mind, you could put both his and the Presence's response in italics. It'll show it's internal dialogue and not spoke out loud.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

It was Ewa’s suggestion that he did it, to write.

I know what you're trying to say here but I think the words 'to write' added on at the end feel almost like they've just been tacked on. You could try something like:

It was Ewa’s suggestion that he sat down to write it.

the more sensible it become.

This should be 'became' as it's written in the past tense.

the more sensible it became.

There’s only one chance for him to be a Computer Science major,

This should be 'there was' as it is written in the past tense.

There was only one chance for him to be a Computer Science major,

something he’s lacked but greatly wanted.

I think here you can delete the 's as this should be in the past tense.

something he lacked but greatly wanted.

We can go back and fill in what’s later remembered.”

This felt a little awkward to me and think it could do with being rearranged slightly.

We can go back and fill in what you remember later on.”

He couldn’t like to the Presence.

Should this be 'lie'?

He couldn’t lie to the Presence.

She looked at her self again

This should all be one word.

She looked at herself again

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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157

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14 days may be credited.

#3957639

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 8"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Storyline: In this chapter, we're back with Micah and Ewa as they travel to the deli. We get a lot of background information on the deli about how and when it opened and the people who frequent it. It seems it's a popular place! After this, when Micah and Ewa are enjoying their sandwiches, Micah confides in her about his dream and the feelings he had after.

Characters: We're back with Micah and Ewa here. Micah is not only worried about the prom but he's concerned about the dream and the voice he hears inside his head but he confides in his sister only to find there may be a reasonable explanation. I think it's great he feels comfortable enough to explain it to her and that he's not worried about being ridiculed.

Setting: This takes place in the deli. I think it would be great if you included some extra info here about what it looks like, sounds like and smells like. Really get the reader to be there with the characters.

Atmosphere/tone: Again there's a lot of worry and concern in this chapter. I think it's nice that that worry is focused on something other than the prom as it allows the reader to remember what other things Micah has going on.

Dialogue: The dialogue between Micah and his sister is nice and it has quite a bit of gentle teasing which feels right.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

ew York couple that had worked over 15 years each

Usually, numbers under 100 are written out in full.

ew York couple that had worked over fifteen years each

Her roommates a month after it opened introduced Ewa Vaughn to it.

I know what you're saying here but this sentence feels a little awkward to me. I'd suggest switching it around a little to something like:

A month after it opened, her roommates took Ewa Vaughn to it.

or see what the special sandwich of the day.

I think here you can delete the word 'what' to make the sentence flow a little better.

or see the special sandwich of the day.

“I’ll this right in for you.”

I think this is missing a word.

“I’ll get this right in for you.”

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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158

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14 days may be credited.

#3957624

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 7"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: Hey I'm stopping in for another review while I have a little spare time! I'm looking forward to seeing which character we're with during this chapter and what's going to happen next.

Storyline: This chapter opens with Antoinette again and the reader sees that she's still quite focused on the prom. I think because of this the chapter felt quite slow again. The past few chapters, disregarding those ones with Kiliaen in have been focused on the event and each chapter has been displaying the concern of each party involved. I can understand there'd be some apprehension but I don't think this much. I also think there would be excitement there and I haven't seen any of that yet.

Characters:

This chapter is focused on Toni and her concerns over prom again. I'm wondering why she's so worried about it. Sure he doesn't know many of her friends but I think I want to see some excitement coming from her. She's just realised she's in love with the guy and wants to go to the prom with him - show the reader how she really feels about him.

Dianne - she is Toni's best friend and the reader is meeting her for the first time here. She comes across as someone who's warm and friendly as well as loyal. We don't really get a sense of her personality here and I'm hoping this will come with later chapters.

Setting: The setting changes place here and ends up in the diner. Tell the reader what the diner looks like, set the scene. How does it smell? Is it busy? What does it sound like? What colour are the seats?

Atmosphere/tone: Again this chapter conveys the sense of concern Toni has about taking Micah to her prom.

Dialogue: I felt like some of the dialogue was a little formal. for example, when she's talking to the owner's daughter, Erin calls her 'miss'. Would this be natural? I know it's set in the past so maybe there would be a bit more politeness but does that feel right for the tone of the conversation?

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

All three told her he was a nice person, brought her up initially, and had done nothing but smile when talking about her.

Here I found myself wondering who had brought her up? Do you mean in conversation? Was it Micah? If so I think you need to add some clarity here.

All three told her he was a nice person. They told her that Micah brought her up in conversation initially and had done nothing but smile when talking about her.

It rang and she picked it up. It was Dianne.

Here I think this needs to be worded a little differently. You've just said she was going to ring Dianne and then you're saying here it rings and Dianne was there and she sounded shocked. It took me a while to realise it was Dianne who had actually contacted her.

Just as she was about to dial the number the phone rang and she picked it up. It was Dianne.

She was surprised: Dianne wanted to do the same thing.

You don't need the colon here.

She was surprised Dianne wanted to do the same thing.

Antoinette said before leaving the house, before letting her mother know where she was going.

I think here you could delete the second 'before' as it's a little repetitive.

Antoinette said before leaving the house, letting her mother know where she was going.

She didn’t open it again until last week: she was too busy reading for English class.

I don't think you need the colon here. I'm replace it was 'as'.

She didn’t open it again until last week as she was too busy reading for English class.

a feeling she’s never had before.

This should be 'she'd'.

a feeling she’d never had before.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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159

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#3957471

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 6"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: This will probably be my last review tonight but I thought that while I still had some steam, I would read another.

Storyline: With this chapter, the reader is back with Micah as he prepared for his prom. This time he's spending the time with his sister as they head to the flower shop to pick up the bouquet for Toni. He's still worrying about it all and as he talks to his sister and the cashier, he realises just how special his girlfriend is.

The chapter is slower paced than the last one and again I'm wondering why the process of going to the prom needs to be so drawn out. I think it would be fine if there was something going on besides the prom in the chapters but as it stands, it's a little slow for my liking.

Characters:

In this chapter, it seems like it's finally dawning on Micah how important Antoinette is to him. He knows he's falling in love with her, even though he hasn't said those words exactly,but as soon as the realisation hits him he's more confident about it all. I like that.

Setting: This takes place in the flower shop. I think this would be great opportunity to show the reader how the shop smells. I can imagine it would be fragrant and green and fresh. Let them know how Micah experiences it.

Atmosphere/tone: Again there is a lot of romance behind this gesture and excitement too.

Dialogue: The dialogue between the characters feels a little formal in places. I would suggest reading back through it and considering if that is the way you would talk amongst your friends.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

The rain began, earlier than when Micah believed.

I think here you could use the words 'it would' at the end, though I don't think it's essential.

The rain began, earlier than when Micah believed it would.

“Are you sure? I mean, you’ll not your bubbly self.”

This should be 'you're'.

“Are you sure? I mean, you’re not your bubbly self.”

She knew the comment, originally made to show her concern for him, to show that she noticed a change, ended up being light.

Here, I think I'd delete the bit that reads 'to show that she noticed a change' as it's repeating what was just said and it makes the sentence just a little too long.

She knew the comment, originally made to show her concern for him, ended up being light.

The siblings laughed as Micah jugged through the opened door.

I think this should be 'jogged'. I would also delete the 'ed' off the end of 'open'.

The siblings laughed as Micah jogged through the open door.

“A girl I met a couple of years ago,” he teased.

I'm not sure 'teased' is the right word here. It suggests maybe even a hint of flirtation which I think it out of character for him. You could try something like:

“A girl I met a couple of years ago,” he told her, head down, cheeks flushing.

She told him that she’ll be at the mall in an hour,

This should be 'she'd' as it's written in past tense.

She told him that she’d be at the mall in an hour,

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

160

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#3957461

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 5"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: I'm stopping in for another tonight!

Storyline: We're back with Kiliaen Van Rossum at the start of this chapter. We see him in his office questioning Gregory, a private investigator. He's hired him to do some work and report back to him. Gregory has done half a job and tried to do it without being caught but Kiliaen is smart and he checked. He thinks about hurting the PI but eventually bargains with him and gives him one week.

This chapter was a little bit faster paced. There was a sense of action, of something coming, and I guess it had a lot to do with not knowing what Kiliaen would do to the man. It worked well. The ending of the chapter left me wondering what reports he wanted and why and why he was so lenient with this man? I'm hoping these questions will be answered later on.

Characters:

Kiliaen Van Rossum - he has a really hard edge to him that the reader has seen for the first time here. He comes across as quite angry and stern, a man who isn't afraid. This is a bit of a different image than I originally had of him but our first view was brief and not on his own territory.

Gregory Phillips. - a private invetigator. He works doing smaller jobs for people and reporting back. He comes across as a lazy man, someone who will do as little as possible to get by and I suppose it was only a matter of time because it came back to bite him,

Setting: This all took place in Kiliaen's office. I think I would have liked to see what the office looked like a little more as I think it would give a sense of Kiliaen's personality.

Atmosphere/tone: As I said this had a faster tone to the chapter which worked well with the scene. Anger was the main tone within this.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

He was angry, more any than he believed he should have.

Here it's not clear whether it's Kiliaen who is angry or the other man so I think you need to make that clear. Also I think you need the word 'been' at the end.

He was angry, more than he believed he should have been.

No one that knows his reputation as a ruthless businessman

This should be 'knew' as it's written in the past tense.

No one that knew his reputation as a ruthless businessman

the backseat of a Cadillac, driven silently through Latham and Colonie before arriving downtown.

I think this would work better with the word 'and' rather than the comma.

the backseat of a Cadillac and driven silently through Latham and Colonie before arriving downtown.

the other enter.

This should be 'entered'.

the other entered.

The placid façade he’s seen during meetings

This should be 'he'd' as it's written in the past tense.

The placid façade he’d seen during meetings

Previous activities and interactions he’s read caused Phillips to be concerned.

This should be 'he'd'.

Previous activities and interactions he’d read caused Phillips to be concerned.

He wanted to say more, but left them on the tip of his tongue.

Here instead of saying 'them' I think you need to say 'the words'.

He wanted to say more, but left the words on the tip of his tongue.

“I’ll finish it, given the report to you,”

I think this should be two separate sentences.

“I’ll finish it. I'll give the report to you,”

The one of them, the man on Phillips’ right,

This should be 'then'.

Then one of them, the man on Phillips’ right,

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

161

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14 days may be credited.

#3957447

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 4"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: Hey, I'm back with another review! I'm looking forward to seeing how the story develops from here.

Storyline: The chapter opens with Micah sitting listening to music with the intention to read, but that doesn't work out for him. He then ends up going to the tailors to get fitted for his tux ready for the prom. These last couple of chapters seem to have focused a lot on the upcoming prom and while I'm sure in their eyes it's a really important ritual and part of growing up, it feels a little slow paced because of that. It's dragging out a little and I think the days before the prom could have been done in one chapter and then the prom itself in one. I'm still wondering how it connects to Micah at an older age but I guess that's yet to come.

Characters:

Ewa - Micah's oldest sister. This is the first time we meet her. She has a really unusual name and I quite like that. She comes across as organised and very mature and responsible.

Mr. Francis Isopo - he is the tailor. He used to be their neighbour and so it's a friendly face. I found myself wondering what he looked like and think it would benefit from a little description.

Setting: This takes place mostly in the tailors shop. You do give some description here but maybe that could be a little detailed too about how it feels in there for Micah. Is he excited? Scared?

Atmosphere/tone: As I said, I think the pacing of this chapter is quite slow so I found it really hard to stay focused.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

He could the bullets enter his body.

This is missing a word. It could be 'feel'.

He could feel the bullets enter his body.

It didn’t help that both sides of the family have legends about what’s happened to him.

This is written in the past tense so you need to reword this slightly:

It didn’t help that both sides of the family had legends about what had happened to him.

felt so very comfortable around here

This should be 'her'.

felt so very comfortable around her

Playing was an old song and one that he heard the lyrics, not just the music.

I think the word order of this sentence threw me a little so I'd suggest changing it a little.

An old song was playing, one that he had heard the lyrics for, not just the music.

It was the first time in a long time that she’s been in it:

This should be 'she'd':

It was the first time in a long time that she’d been in it:

an older man they’ve known for as long as they could remember.

This is another example of the narrative jumping the reader into the present when it's written in the past tense.

an older man they had known for as long as they could remember.

I asked her what color was Toni’s gown.

The word order of this bit feels a little awkward. I'd suggest changing it slightly.

I asked her what color Toni’s gown was.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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14 days may be credited.

#3956180

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

for entry "Dead Soldiers"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey JJ, I'm back with my third review. I find myself wondering what will happen in this chapter.

Storyline: The start of this chapter works really well. It really drew me into the moment as I stalked with the man, careful and silent. The chapter progresses with Sam and his memories as he sits and drinks alone on a Friday night wondering what is becoming of his life. Although interesting, I have to admit that I found this quite a slow chapter. Much of it was concerned with the past and memories and as such was quite passive. The ending livened it up a little.

Characters:

Colonel Samuel Jackson Remy - This is our main character this time. He's a very special guy. It seems that he's a marine, into covert ops and known for his stealh, power and willing. He also makes a good leader. I also gathered that sitting doing nothing was his worst enemy as his thoughts began to play tricks on him.

Setting: You again set the scene at the beginning at Groom Dry Lake in Nevada.

Atmosphere/tone: A lot of this chapter focused on the memories that Sam was having.

What I liked:

Another great line:

'receiving a hollow clank as it landed in a trash can already sprouting an amber forest of empties.'

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

they were reminded what real hero’s do

This should be 'heroes'.

they were reminded what real heroes do

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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#3956166

Review of Threads in the Tapestry

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey JJ I'm back with my second review and looking forward to seeing what comes next.

Storyline: This chapter opens with Merci, a woman, in a completely different place. I'm looking forward to finding out how they connect.

The reader follows Merci as she cannot sleep, restless and wondering about Roman. However, when her cat Manny appears she has a vision that hits her hard and she can do nothing but watch as a little girl is pounced on by a monster. This is interesting and left me wondering if this was real, if it was a premonition? I'm hoping this will be something the reader finds out.

Hyperleucism - I felt like I learned a lot about this. I had no idea what it was and I'm glad you explained it. I think having the reader have to stop and go look it up would be off putting to the story.

Characters:

Merci Pleasant - in this chapter we are following this woman. She comes across as a young woman, one who has hypereucism and for that reasons looks really quite unusual. You gave a really good description of her and I think in my mind's eye she's a very pretty woman. She considers both herself and her family to be a little on the 'crazy' side but seems to embrace that.

Roman McNeil - this is Merci's partner. They met in a classroom and their connection was electric. It seems their relationship is very important to both of them. I think they are soulmates.

Setting: This chapter is set in Washington. You set the scene at the beginning and paint the picture for the reader.

Atmosphere/tone: This chapter had quite an etereal quality, I think because of Merci, her behaviour and personality and the way she looked.

What I liked:

I loved this line, very vivid:

'trying to ignore the conga line of Daddy-long-legs skittering down her back.'

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

forcing her to take shallow breathes.

This should be 'breaths'.

forcing her to take shallow breaths.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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#3955524

Review of The Ten Year Drought

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hi Charlie, I'm back with my third review in your mini port raid! This piece really caught my eye because it's about addiction. I work in a place in which people face addictions daily and so it interested me.

Storyline: This is the story about Jason Fisher. He is a man that was an alcoholic, but at the tender age of around thirty ish, has been alcohol free for ten years. I guess that meant he was hooked from a pretty early age. Michelle, a co-worker and someone he's interested in, invites him out for a New Years Eve party with promises that he can drink soda. He gives in reluctantly but when he gets there, all he can think about is having a drink until finally, he gives in.

One thing I noticed about this piece is that you tend to tell rather than show. It holds the reader at a distance and makes the narrative somewhat passive. Instead of telling the reader Michelle asked him to go out, show the conversation. Show his thoughts and emotions as he looks at her, his worry, his fear.

Characters: Jason is the main character here. We get a lot of background info about him about his relationship and addication to alcohol. He's presented as a very strong character so I have to say, when he gives in at the end of this, I was really quite shocked. I didn't think he would. Especially not after ten years.

Setting: A lot of this takes place in the smoky pub where he is going to spend his near year.

Atmosphere/tone: Dread permeates this piece, coming from his worry over where he is.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

a day he couldn’t even think about without feeling nauseas

I think this should be 'nauseous'.

a day he couldn’t even think about without feeling nauseous

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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#3955520

Review of Night Dancing

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Charlie, I'm back again! I don't tend to read a lot of poetry but this piece interested me. I have a lot of interest in mental health and so I find myself reading

What I liked:

I enjoyed reading this poem. It was really original and very expressive. I think the fact that you wrote this in free verse allowed for that and so it worked well. Each of the four stanzas you have within this poem seem to take the reader through different stages of the mental illness: denial, acceptance, talking about it, asking for help. For me this reallt struck a chord because I think this will be how it is for a lot of people, though I'd guess that some people don't get past the first or second stages. It's a well written piece and a thought provoking one too. Thanks for sharing!

I have no line by line suggestions to make!

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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#3955450

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 3"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.0)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: Hey I'm back for another and looking forward to finding out what happens to Micah.

Storyline: This chapter opens with a female here. We're not sure who is it at first and I found it a little disorienting. I would suggest having her name right there in the frist line, perhaps even as the first word. It'll help ground the reader and help the flow of the piece.

I found that a lot of this chapter was about the reader meeting new characters and seeing things from a different point of view. While that's a good idea I found the pace of the chapter to be really quite slow. There didn't seem to be any action within this piece or anything driving it forward so it didn't hold my interest as it should have. I also found that there was a lot of information to take in (I mentioned this a little further down). You need to be sure that the info you're giving your reader at that point in time is relevant. Yes, you as the author need to be aware of certain things, but does the reader need to know?

I'm wondering how Kiliaen fits into the story and I'm interested to find out where that goes. I think the next chapter might see the young couple at the prom.

Characters: The chapter starts with Antoinette. She is Micah's girlfriend and through this point of view we get to see how she feels about him and see her worries too. I didn't really get to see much of her personality here but I'm guessing this will come later on.

Kiliaen (cool name) is introduced to us in this chapter too. We get a lot of information about his family and background here and while I think some info is good this is a bit like an info dump. It felt quite long winded and maybe unecessary to the story. I'd suggest reading through and only keeping in what the reader needs to know.

Setting: The setting in the first half of this chapter isn't mentioned really. I think you need to just add a little description in. We know that Kiliaen is at the coffee shop but you could really use the senses here, particularly smell, to engage the reader.

Atmosphere/tone: this was quite a slow moving chapter and I think there needs to be a bit more action within this.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

unsure of how Micah Vaughn will be.

This is written in the past tense so this should be 'would'.

unsure of how Micah Vaughn would be.

“boyfriend/girlfriend” for the few days they had left at the campgrounds then become friends.

This confused me a little. So she was basically saying they could be partners when the holiday were there, but otherwise they were just friends? You could word it like this:

“boyfriend/girlfriend” for the few days they had left at the campgrounds then after that, just become friends.

let her get it all it,

I think this should be 'out'.

let her get it all out,

“He told it didn’t matter

I think you need the word 'me' in here.

“He told me it didn’t matter

“Oh, he won’t be,” Antoinette was reassured.

I think this could do with a speech tag here.

“Oh, he won’t be,” her mother answered with a smile. Antoinette was reassured.

The rain will help her wash away all her fears and anxieties over tonight.

Again, this is written in past tense so it should be 'would'.

The rain would help her wash away all her fears and anxieties over tonight.

He sat alone, in a back booth, two thick brown file folders in front of him, handed them yesterday as he left the office, given to him by his longtime secretary.

When you start the story again back after the break, you start with this sentence. Here I think this sentence is a bit too long and the reader doesn't know who the person is they're looking at. I'd suggest putting his name in. I also think you could separate this a bit.

Micah (?) sat alone, in a back booth, two thick brown file folders were in front of him. He was handed them yesterday as he left the office, by his longtime secretary.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3955088

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 2"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: I thought I'd stop by for another review before I have to get on with a few other things I have planned for tonight. I'm interested to see what is going to come next.

Storyline: In this chapter, Micah wakes from his dream and goes for a run. He does a lot of thinking while out on his run and on returning speaks tohis sister before taking a shower.

For the beginning of a new chapter, I would suggest that you use his name again to remind the reader who they are following. So here I'd put Micah at the very start.

The pacing of this chapter felt a bit slower than the last. I felt like he was just running and thinking, which is fine, but I felt like there was some repetition within his thoughts. I guess this would be true of people, particularly teens, but perhaps the reader doesn't need all of the repeated info. Just a thought.

You write this story in third person past tense. I think third person is a great way to allow the reader to see a lot more than just Micah would see. Something you do need to be careful of is using the word 'he' too much. It has become quite repetitive in just these first two chapters. I suggest you read through your chapters again and try to switch sentences around. You also, if he is the only person present at the time, need to tell the reader who you mean in every sentence.

Characters: Micah, we see him at seventeen in this chapter. It appears he like sport but he knows that it won't get him further in life and that his life will be following computers instead. He seems quite resigned to that fact and not bothered by it. He has a long term steady girlfriend and he's particularly worried about taking her to the prom. He wants to remain respectful to her and I reckon that makes him a nice guy. I think this is probably a very realistic teenage worry too.

Setting: A lot of this takes place as he's out running. Again, while you give the reader some description, I'd suggest adding in more to engage the senses.

Atmosphere/tone: This chapter struck me as very pensive. He was thoughtful throughout and really quite fretful.

Dialogue: You have quite a lot of internal dialogue here where the reader notices Micah talking to himself. Internal dialogue is usually shown by putting it into italics. I'd suggest you do this as it will help the flow. Otherwise, I think the internal dialogue is well done and it's used in a good place; when he's running.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

He knew he heard a voice, clear as day.

This paragraph comes after a couple of other paragraphs that have dealt with his career and now it's like jumping back into the story. I think you need to consider the order of the paragraphs. Personally, I would have this as the second paragraph to keep the reader in the immediate reaction of the story and staying with his reactions.

black-furred dog to run out, the backyard fenced in.

I would probably rearrange the order of this sentence as the last part feels like it's been tacked on and it's a little awkward.

black-furred dog to run out into the fenced-in backyard.

market or at the bakery one the other side of the park.

I think this should be 'on'.

market or at the bakery on the other side of the park.

hoping for the voice or whatever it was would answer.

Before, you said that he kept running in an attempt to keep the voice away and here, just a few sentences later, he's hoping that it returns. To me this feels quite conflicting. I think you need to clarify how he feels about the voice, perhaps who or what he thinks it is and how long he's heard it for. Those were all questions that I found popping into my mind.

When he reached the top of Monument Hill, he stopped and ran in place. He shook out his arms and hands. He walked to a red maple tree and put his hands against it. He pushed lightly, extended his left leg back. He stretched out his calf and Achilles tendon. After a few moments, he repeated the action for his right leg. He stood straight and took several deep breaths, holding them for a moment before exhaling. He closed his eyes and took one last deep breath

When I got to this paragraph, I found the repetition of the word 'he' very distracting. You use it quite a lot in here. As well as that, I found myself wondering why this paragraph is needed. It shows him stopping and thinking, but what is the purpose of the paragraph? All words should serve to move the story forward and I'm not getting a sense of what this does here. Is he calming himself? If that's the case I think it needs to be a little clearer.

not sure to have another

This is just missing a word.

not sure whether to have another

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3955066

Review of Second Chance

for entry "Chapter 1"

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hey!

This is a P.E.N.C.I.L. Review!

Initial hook: Hey Rojodi

I'm here with your first review from "P.E.N.C.I.L."

! I'll go through each review as I normally would but please just let me know if there's anything in particular you'd like me to focus on.

The title and description for the novel work well together and make the reader think about what second chance could have been offered here. I'm looking forward to feeling some tension in this novel as it looks like it could have a bit of mystery to it.

Storyline: In this first chapter, Micah finds himself in an ambush situation. He's facing two and in a bad position, but using his smarts he fools the men in the cabin and manages to get them and save himself.

However, it turns out that none of it was real. It was just a dream. Using the dream sequence can be a little bit cliche sometimes and I found myself kind of thinking this was a bit convenient. However, I do understand that it's an introduction to the story and it is likely to be the way he gets his second chance.

Characters: We're introduced to Micah Vaughn in this first chapter. We find out within a short space of time that he's a private investigator with the licence to carry a conceled weapon. We find out he has a nickname, Chance (I like it) after he got a second chance at life at just three years old. This is a nice quirky character trait. As the story progresses we find out he has a daughter from someone he really connected with and had an affair in 1982. I think the information you give about him is placed well within the chapter and at moments when he is resting from the action.

Setting: This takes place out at the cabin. You show the reader the scene well visually. Maybe you could try adding some description from smoe of the other senses in order to really make the reader feel that they're there.

Atmosphere/tone: This is an action scene, however, I didn't feel the tension I would have expected. You really need to let the reader get inside the mind of Micah and experience his emotions, thoughts and physical reactions. How is he feeling? Is he terrified? Does he just want it over with? What thoughts are going through his mind about the situation? I also think it would have occured quite quickly.

Line by line suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

He needed to reload his Sigma, a Smith and Wesson semi-automatic pistol, and found cover behind this tree.

It took me a little while to realise we were in the middle of action here. I think you could mix up this sentence to emphasise that. You could try something like:

He was pressed tightly against the trunk of the tree, the rough bark scraping at the bare flesh on his arm. He barely felt it. All that mattered now was reloading the gun.

is the first time he’s had to use it in anger.

This piece is written in the past tense and the word 'he's' brings it into the present and interrupts the flow.

was the first time he had to use it in anger.

His heart was pounding. He was sweating. He was bleeding for two wounds

Here, I found that the repetition of the word 'he' was a little off putting. It means that it tells the reader how he's feeling rather than showing them and it makes the narrative a little passive. You could try something like:

The thrum of his heartbeat pounded in his ears, the only noise he could hear. The pistol slipped from his hands as he fumbled with the ammo, slick with sweat. He was bleeding from two wounds

if his thigh weren’t throbbing; reminding him that he had lead in his body.

I think this should be a comma rather than a semi colon.

if his thigh weren’t throbbing, reminding him that he had lead in his body.

This damage was bad.

This should be 'the'.

The damage was bad.

He was feeling the blood loss. He was tired. He was dehydrated.

This is the same as I pointed out before. The way you write this makes it almost like a list rather than showing the reader how he feels and is reacting. I think you could come up with something a little bit more detailed here.

that she’s made peace with them never marrying.

This brings the narrative into the present. I would write:

that she had made peace with them never marrying.

The door, once ornate now, had rotted to almost nothing.

I think the word order of this sentence needs to be switched just a bit to help the flow.

The door, once ornate, had now rotted to almost nothing.

He was a few yards from the Chevy when he felt the pain of a bullet entering him back.

Should this be 'his'?

He was a few yards from the Chevy when he felt the pain of a bullet entering his back.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf P.E.N.C.I.L. Group:

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#3954508

Review of War and The Men Who Fight It

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (2.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hi Lynda, you asked me to stop by with a review of this piece for you, so here I am! It's an interesting title. The only thing is I'd suggest capitalisation and get rid of the full stop at the end of it. It will make it look like this:

War and the Men who Fight it

Storyline: This tells the story of Sarge and his platoon. They have been caught, trapped and are facing the enemy. They don't think they're going to last when help suddenly arrives. It's an original idea and it flowed well.

Characters: There are several characters within this short story. Other than knowing the Sarge was the main character and that we were following him, I found it quite difficult to differentiate between the soldiers. They all respected him and took their orders but apart from names, I couldn't tell them apart. I know this is a short piece so I think that's okay but if you did want to make it clear that they're different people, you could try putting some information in about appearance of certain aspects of personality.

Setting: I'm not really sure where this took place. I get the impression it may have been in the desert but that may also by my preconceived ideas. I would suggest adding in more info throughout this piece to hint at the reader where they are. What's the atmosphere like? Is it hot or cold? Is it windy? What's the ground like? Have they got any worries like a water supply?

Atmosphere/tone: This is quite an action filled story but I didn't quite feel the tension I thought should have been there. The pacing was right, it was quick and I think that worked well, but I think letting the reader get into the Sarge's mind more would have helped. You could include more internal diaogue, emotions and physical reactions to help the reader understand him and his environment.

Dialogue: I noticed that most of this story is dialogue driven. While this is fine, I would say I think you need some more speech tags in there so the reader is clear who is talking and when. I also noticed you used a lot of exclamation points in speech. While it's fine to use these they're for effect so the more you start using them the less affective they become. I'd suggest a read through to get rid of some of them.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

"This is my wife and new baby daughter!" He said with pride. I'm going home next month. No more tours for me. I've never seen my little girl."

When there is a speech tag which tells the reader how something is said, it needs to begin with a lower case letter. You also have continued speech here so you need another opening quotation mark.

"This is my wife and new baby daughter!" he said with pride. "I'm going home next month. No more tours for me. I've never seen my little girl."

He look at the young soldier and thought, son, don't get your hopes up right now.

Here it should be 'looked'. I'd also suggest that where we're seeing the narrators internal thoughts you put it into italics so it stands out a little more.

He looked at the young soldier and thought, son, don't get your hopes up right now.

Yes Sir Sarge!

This should have a comma before the Sarge is addressed.

Yes Sir, Sarge!

"Yes Sir Sarge.,

There's just an extra comma here where it isn't needed. I'd also put one before he is addressed.

"Yes Sir, Sarge.

Brady, you come with me." Ryan said.

This should be a comma at the end of the speech rather than a full stop as a speech tag follows it.

Brady, you come with me," Ryan said.

Looks like were in for a long night," The Sarge said

This should be a lower case letter after the speech.

Looks like were in for a long night," the Sarge said

"OK son, I guess we'll just have to wait it out."Zing! Zing! Ratatatatat!

When I read this, I thought the bullet fire was just a part of his speech. I would suggest having this on its own line. Also, you might think about putting it into italics to make it stand out or even have a little narrative before it

Ryan said. There were too many

This just needs an opening quotation marks as it's continued speech.

Ryan said. "There were too many

"Medic! We have a man shot over here! The Sargent shouted.

Here you just need an ending quotation mark and a lower case letter.

"Medic! We have a man shot over here!" the Sargent shouted.

"Any time now, take your shot! the Sarge said.

This just needs an ending quotation mark.

"Any time now, take your shot!" the Sarge said.

"Ryan, what are you waiting for, son!" The Sarge shouted.

This just needs a lower case letter after the speech.

"Ryan, what are you waiting for, son!" the Sarge shouted.

"Somethings not right Sarge." Ryan said.

Here I would suggest rewording the speech a little, or put an apostrophe before the s in something. It also needs a comma at the end and before the Sarge is addressed.

"Something isn't right, Sarge," Ryan said.

They should be here soon." Pete said.

Here it needs to be a comma at the end of the speech.

They should be here soon," Pete said.

A few parting comments...

I want to mention the spacing of this piece too. While it's fine as it stands I would suggest maybe putting a space in between each paragraph. When reading online it makes it easier for the reader and seems to flow better.

Hope this helped!

Well done on an original write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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#3953037

Review of Real Down-Home Cooking

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with Sisco's Good Deed Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a Sisco's Good Deed Group Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Joey, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. I of course found my way to your horror folder and this piece, at the top, really caught my eye. It was the description that intrigued me.

Storyline: Well I didn't see that coming at all! Michelle and Jack get married, though it seems she's hiding something. At first I thought she was sinister but it seems the secret she's hiding involves her ex husband and his violent tendencies. Jack promises she'll always be safe now but when Dennis breaks in and tries to kill them, Jack does something unexpected...

I do really like the twist to this. I didn't see it coming which makes it much better and I had no idea that Jack could have been a bit deranged until very late in the story.

It was really interesting to have pictures in with the story. I can't remember the last time I read something with pictures too, it was a nice touch, especially the pic of the house.

Characters: Michelle and Jack are the main characters here. They're newly weds and it appears they're both quite happy. I found that I wanted a little more information about how they met and how long they had been together. The impression I got here was that they hadn't known each other long and it was a quick weddin. Is it bad that I assumed that was done on her part because she wanted something from Jack?

Setting: The setting of this place changes throughout from the wedding to the car to the home, but you set the scene well. You give a good description of the home.

Atmosphere/tone: There's something unsettling going on throughout this piece but the reader can't quite tell what it is. It works well for the story.

What I liked: The plot twist at the end - I didn't see it coming!

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

It's just us, Mrs. Nilson and old Edgar.

This just needs an ending quotation mark.

It's just us, Mrs. Nilson and old Edgar."

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of Sisco's Good Deed Group:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

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#3952977

Review of Answer me! Please tell me the answer...!

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Sparky, you sent this in an email as a response to one of my recent blog entries. I think you for stopping by and reading but also for taking the time to speak out to me, so I wanted to return the favour and offer a review.

What I liked:

This piece, although fiction, doesn't quite strike me as a story. There's a narrator taking the reader through but I would perhaps think of it more as prose. This is quite an emotional piece in which one is asked to consider looking outside of our comfort zone for things that may be out of the ordinary and especially looking to those closest to us to make sure they they are truly happy. I think what you're saying is true. Somebody can present as so calm and fine on the outside but be suffering turmoil on the inside. I think this piece catches it really well. Thank you so much for sharing it with me.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

Please feel something ! , my body cries.

I don't think this comma should be here.

Please feel something ! my body cries.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

172

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14 days may be credited.

#3952968

Review of The Candle

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey! I'm here with a review as part of "The Kiwi Review Challenge! - closed"

My first thought is that you could maybe add something in the brief description which gives the reader an idea of what the piece may be about. Also, the ml link doesn't work here so I'd suggest taking that out. If you wanted, you could put this in the main body of the story, perhaps at the end so the reader has a reference point to the contest.

Storyline: This is a really interesting piece. I remember the prompt well because I wrote a story for it too! The story is told from the point of view of a candle who is lit and placed on a cake before being blown out.

Characters: I think you really captured the personality of the candle (or what a candle would be like if it were alive!) The reader gets all of his thoughts (as this piece is told as an internal monologue) as well as the emotions experienced and to me, they felt realistic. I kept picturing Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast!

Setting: This takes place on the top of a cake amongst a dark world. This was really well done too. The dark world occured when the lights when out ready for the candles to be blown out but perhaps it would feel rather daunting to a candle who feels it is his job to keep his light shining bright.

Atmosphere/tone: I have to say I found this quite realistic throughout and for that reason it worked well.

Dialogue: Although there was a little bit of dialogue here, most of this was told through internal monologue. This makes a lot of sense as a candle can't really talk... can it?!

What I liked: This was an interesting piece told from a very original point of view. That's what I liked best about it, the point of view.

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

Looking round me on my new surface

I think you could get rid of the word 'me' here. We know the person is looking around so it seems like an extra word.

Looking round on my new surface

back and forth, its smoke, now white and even, forming circles and squares and wavy designs up to the ceiling.

I think this would work better as two sentences. You could try:

back and forth. The smoke, now white and even, forms circles and squares and wavy designs up to the ceiling.

a couple of others had lost slightly more of theirs and the rest were at the same level as I.

You've written this in the present tense but this sentence is written in the past. I would write:

a couple of others have lost slightly more of theirs and the rest are at the same level as I.

A few parting comments...

I would make a suggestion about the spacing of this piece. I think it would be helpful, and make it easier for the flow of the piece for the reader if you have spaces between each of the paragraphs. It tends to be a little easier to read.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

173

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949439

Review of Stage Fright

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey, I wanted to offer you a review in return for the one you did for me!

Storyline: This is a story about Ben, a young man who thinks he has what it takes to win the next Teen Idol. He's missed out on it several times but this time he talks himself around and goes to the auditions. Only, when he gets in front of the judges he finds it's an altogether different experience and he wishes he could disappear...

Characters: Ben is the main character in this piece. He's a seventeen year old boy and comes across as qutie an introvert though he's determined.

Setting: This takes place in the place where the auditions are held. Your description really helps the reader understand his anxiety.

Atmosphere/tone: The tone of this piece is quite anxious as Ben comes across that way and his mood dominates it. Well done!

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

mentally kick himself

I think this should be 'kicked'.

mentally kicked himself

At seventeen, he wouldn't be a teenage

This should be 'teenager'.

At seventeen, he wouldn't be a teenager

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

174

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3949424

Review of Just Another Day

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hey Winnie, I wanted to come and return the review you did for me. This piece took my interest because of the description. I wonder what sort of traveller this is about.

Storyline: I wasn't expecting this. I think for such a short story you've managed to pull it together really well. It has the right flow and tone and then, as the words during the later paragraphs began to sink in, I realised what was going to happen.

I found the extra information at the end really helpful and informative. The story really hit home to me then as I realised it was based on a true story.

Characters: Todd is the main character here. At first we simply think he's a man running late for a flight. He's worried about all the usual business type stuff but as the information is passed to the reader, we realise that he has more to worry about but doesn't know it yet.

Setting: This takes place in the airport and then Flight 93. You set the scene well with just a few decriptive words.

Atmosphere/tone: This had a very sombre piece to it. It made me stop and think.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

175

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3941581

Review of Another Day, Another Dollar

Review by blue jellybaby

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey!

This is a WDC Power Reviewers Review!

Please remember that these are just my thoughts and somebody else might see it differently!

Initial hook: Hi Jeff, I saw this piece and I wanted to stop by with a review for you

It was in your dark folder and it's about a morgue... I'm hoping for sinister!!

Storyline: Woah, I didn't see that coming! I knew that there would be something, but that... I had no idea. I thought this was a really original piece. It was well written and kept me hooked wanting to know what was going to happen right until the end.

Characters: Carmen is the main character in this. She works at the morgue and she's doing the graveyard shift because they need extra money. It tears her apart because it means being away from her family to provide for her family. She seems like a lovely woman.

Setting: This takes place in the morgue. It only take a few words and you've set the scene really well and I feel chilly and creeped out...

Atmosphere/tone: Creepy and unexpected! Well done.

What I liked: The twist at the end of this piece was really awesome!

A few suggestions I had:

Original quotes will be in black, any changes or suggestions I'll make in blue to make it clear

Things had been tense lately, and the long hours away from them hadn't helped closed the distance between them.

I think this should be 'close'.

Things had been tense lately, and the long hours away from them hadn't helped close the distance between them.

Hope this helped!

Well done on a good write!!

Reviewed on behalf of the WDC Power Reviewers:

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .