1st prayed for one thing. Thatthing: that the child (The 2nd part is not a complete sentence, but a clause dependent on the 1st sentence. The "one thing" equals the entire second part, so use a colon here.) how this night marenightmare began ("night mare" would be a female horse in the dark )
You should put a blank line between each paragraph. This will not only give the reader's eyes a break, but also the whole piece will look more inviting at first glance.
2nd quite sometimesome time now ("sometime" is an adjective meaning "occasional" -- you mean "some time" which is an amount of time in noun form) father had come running in,in; he was overjoyed (Both sides here are complete sentences, so use a semi-colon. Combining two sentences with a comma is called a "comma splice" *surprise*)
3rd The only thing Zemirah felt was, confusedwas confusion.
The names are solid, evoking images of Arabian characters. I especially remember "Mujahideen" from the Dune series of books. You have a promising prologue here. Keep going! and when you have chapter 1 ready, put a link to it at the end of this piece.
was a bit flirtier than (Usually the comparative form of a 2-syllable word uses "more") was a bit more flirty than
Other than that, only 2 simple suggestions:
1. put a blank line between each paragraph. this makes it easy on the reader's eyes
2. maybe put an indent at the start of each paragraph. this is less important but also helps readability
Hrm, the punctuation all over the first stanza confuses me, as you're not using complete sentences to relay thoughts. I see verbs without subjects and objects without actors...
loose our soldiers (Do you mean "loose" - the opposite of "tight" - or do you mean "lose"?)
Sinful drives / the knife within. (Sinful what drives the knife? Or what sinfully drives the knife? By itself, "sinful" is an adjective modifying nothing apparent...)
Pretty good write-up. No obvious typos (spell-checker, anyway!).
I can think of 2 suggestions for instant (though minor) improvement.
1. Put blank lines between each paragraph (and maybe indent at beginning of each). This makes it look good on a reader's poor eyes.
2. Turn up the heat on the first sentence. Putting a clause into the first sentence slows it down. Take it out! "Sevas's heart was restless" has much more punch. That grabs the reader right away. You can explain why in the 2nd sentence, after they're hooked. (btw, "Sevas' heart" is also correct.)
I realize a typo and a piece of punctuation aren't much in the big picture, but let's iron out the last 2 wrinkles in this otherwise perfect piece :
for on him restrests the day
too weighty , ; they starve
At first I didn't like the repetition, but at least you stuck to a pattern. Add in the pleasant (and, as you say, "folksy") tale, and suddenly the piece grew on me. I'll raise to 5.0 once corrected!
I love the topic (as told in the item description), and the execution is pretty good. My main suggestion is to add line breaks so that this long thing is comprised of shorter stanzas.
See how it would look (with 2 corrections) :
To laylie alone at night
Wishing you were beside me
That I could hold you close
And feel your warmth inside me
But reality has a tendency
Of contradicting dreams
The truth plagues me
Infecting romantic themes
I try to convince myself
That I am in your heart
But then painful logic
Sends me back to the start
Go directly to jail
You’ll never be kissed
Do not pass GO
You don’t even exist
But that frigid honesty
I cannot help but admire
Addicted, I inject it into my veins
And set my heart on fire
Yet I still imagine you in my arms
Letting me look into your eyes
Memorizing your smile
I indulge in my lies
I beg you to speak
And savour every word
So come and watch me swallow
This double-bladed sword(hyphenated)
He only wants to helpoffer you (by replacing "help" with "offer" you can remove the awkwardness of the next line which features contorted grammar for the sake of rhyme... read it now with "offer")
Hrm, I suppose I didn't enjoy this much because you basically asked a question with the 2nd stanza without proposing an answer. That leaves me wondering: what's the point? We all know there's an obsession over weight, but you fail to cast new light on the subject or drag us into emotional sympathy...
Money in the bank $$$$
Nice quiz. I might do one in the style of "recognize this format" instead of defining it so they can look it up ...
I noticed in the Carmen question, one answer could be cleaned up and shortened: "each line in a different color" (omit "printed" and insert a space into "ina" -- this will make the answer fit on 1 line)
scincesince I was young Reankea had alwasealways said
he dropped his books ; I neltknelt down
I eventulyeventually withdrew my hand
-----------
You have many typos that the spell-checker would catch. You also have a serious problem with run-on sentences, so I assume you're a young writer.
If you'd like, I can rewrite this piece using your words, to show you what it looks like all cleaned up. Let me know and this service is free to you
This piece is labeled "poetry" but it reads as a piece of Prose. If you want help making a poem out of this, let me know
For now, let's get rid of the typos so everyone can get straight to your message without distraction. Isn't it weird how everything is in the eyes, if you look deep enough?
I know people alota lot more thenthan they think, ; I hear the things they say.
where I am , so judgementaljudgmental they do beforbefore they think
smart but thethey don't use their bainsbrains
for people to know I know though ; this is cause I watch
Ha, quite a tongue-twisting tale-wagger you've got here. I was impressed with the variety of p-words used. It's like you crossed off words from a dictionary list once used
One recommendation: put both the preamble (copyright, other books in the series) and the postscript (series info) in italics to separate it visually from the main body of text. That way people can skip straight to the text if preferred.
"feeling sapling new" is awkward in the first stanza. It does introduce the imagery you'll be using, but it sounds grammatically disjointed from the other lines.
Overall I can easily see how this parallels divorce. I just think your lines are, for lack of a better word, stunted in their growth.
You have this listed as an item of type "essay" when it should be of type "poem"
Better with out you
The "make a world glow" refrain is interesting, but there is a problem throughout the poem: your phrases are too short. You often leave out subjects, so we have no idea of who is acting or what is going on, other than some vague puzzle pieces of description.
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prayed for one 
)
You should put a blank line between each paragraph. This will not only give the reader's eyes a break, but also the whole piece will look more inviting at first glance.
