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She'd always wondered where all those leaves ended up I really like this thoughtfulness early to show the character's personality.
They made their journey together with such certainty Excellent use of personification here... nothing over-the-top, just whimsical and poignant.
above the town to the north , and her family’s farm was behind Without a comma here, the first read looks like "above the town and her family's farm" (not until the end do we realize the farm is not the 2nd object in the 'above' prepositional phrase).
hand was in her apronagaintouching the package A comma in one of these spots will tell us whether the focus is on her hand being there again, or if it's on her touching the package again.
She had planned on using it again
the way Lana Turner did in Imitation of Life Movie titles look better italicized: the way Lana Turner did in Imitation of Life
She breathed in deeply
This was quite sad to me, even though she put on a brave face at the end. It only slowly becomes apparent to the reader what's going to happen, so good job in subtly leading up to a dark ending without being obvious. I was kinda hoping to see one last swirling of leaves outside, somehow paralleling her plight...
Hey JLB, let's see what we can do to immediately make this look better.
First off, let's put blank lines between each paragraph. This lets some air into the text and makes it easier on the readers' eyes. Trust me, it'll look attractive that way.
The blue neon slammed on its brakes when the truck driver ran the red light at the icy intersection. The sound of crunching metal, a sound Aiden would never forget. Let's capitalize Neon, a car brand. Are you sure the Neon braked? How could they tell the truck would run the light, especially if they got side-swiped? The 2nd sentence is really 2 fragments. How about:Aiden would never forget the sound of crunching metal.
no need to yell,” Aiden said patiently back at his wasted friend "said back at" is weird. How about "replied to" or "said to"?
But before he knew what was happening he saw a semi barreling towards them. Aiden slammed on the brakes and spun the wheel Actually, it sounds like he knew what was happening. He did 2 things in reaction. It was just too late.
The passenger side of the car smashed into the truck. The truck smashed into the passenger side of the car.
If you really want him to black out, he'll have lost recent memory when he awakens. Everything could go dark as he spots the truck and hits the brakes. He won't remember the impact at all. His head could've struck the top of the window, and that could knock him out.
Hey Shane, I think your tentative title is a good one. Furthermore, your chapter 1 title is attention-grabbing. I hope you want a personal editor slave, cuz I kinda went to town looking for little typos
TentitiveTentative Title
Item description about to graduate and begin life at its whole "at its whole" is weird here... I think the summary paragraph is better without it more important thenthan originally thought
Chapter 1
wait until it's out of his pocessionpossession appeared to be chroniescronies of the first two men different, and always unpleasentunpleasant the clothes pocesspossess her body Bryan aksedasked I don't know (apostrophe) Mrs. Claftry isn't (apostrophe) of course I know the anwseranswer InsteadKazInstead Kaz went back an army of disgrunteleddisgruntled soldiers they’ll be looking for young people He had light blondeblond messy hair "Blonde" is feminine, while "blond" is for male nouns For preperationpreparation, Mr. Riley gets right below the hellahound's head (apostrophe) cut inbetweenin betweenit'sits eyes oOnlyOnly one of her kind Mr. Riley walked in calmly "...what are you talking about "dragon"? Kaz asked Since you're already inside double-quotes, use single-quotes for the dragon reference: "...what are you talking about 'dragon'?" Kaz asked
The action of the story is fine... just need to do an editing pass with a spell-checker
Hello there Captain, a few critical comments for you arrrr!
Roger Black walked down the rain washed sidewalk of South Street, clutching... Your opening sentence is quite long. I'm reluctant to chop out any real meat, but I don't think the street name makes one bit of difference to the rest of the story.
I have andan offer for you
Then why are you living on the streets? Roger thought To separate thoughts from narrative, I find that italics work well: Then why are you living on the streets? Roger thought
on the verge of insaneinsanity (or) on the verge of being insane
I don't really "buy it" — that is, I'm not convinced that Roger would buy the trinket. He is already dubious and intent on getting home. I don't think the metal-tooth man made his case that the thing actually works. Perhaps have Roger think of getting wishes, and thinking of the trinket as a lottery ticket. The thought What if? makes people who know better buy lottery tickets. That's what I need to see from Roger before I believe he'd actually spend money against his better judgment.
This story is nicely spaced and very easy on my eyes. The "****" was useful to me in knowing when you changed scenes.
Triad? 3 tercets present I didn't find 3 things and their considered effects on a person. I can find 3 pieces of advice from a person. To satisfy a triad's purpose, you might want to rearrange this as being told from the point of view of a poet receiving (and responding to) advice.
line 2: collude and coddle "Collude" is intransitive and can't take an object. You can coddle a dragon, and collude with a dragon, but not collude a dragon.
I think the bold title and centered text create an excellent presentation here. My favorite line is 6: "justify the ragged margins of the universe" is playful with wording
Hiya Erin, thanks for entering the "Invalid Item" contest...
Your entry uses personification: the giving of human traits to non-human things incapable of having those traits
errata Storm Suite; Movement 1. I would think "Storm Suite, Movement 1" to be sufficient. Does the short title of a musical piece need a semicolon and period? LighteningLightning "Lightening" is what happens to darkness when a light source is added.
in the poem The music delays This would be personification if you meant the music is stalling us from something else; you mean "pauses" here, though... The sky breathes Can the sky breathe? No. Personification = Yes. As woodwinds softly sing Can woodwinds sing? Well, they can sound. But I suppose this is personification, even though "sing" seems closely associated.
lightning crashes, music plays, trees plummet, wind picks up, leaves ride, music slows, trees withstand, sun returns These are all lively verbs but not particularly human traits lights flood, fortissimo hails These behaviors are alien to their actors, and alien to humans too!
You've successfully used personification in here. Want to see how to milk it some more? Imagine a room full of people trying to imitate the sounds of a rainstorm. (We did this exercise at one of the conventions!) Witness :
Lightning coughs
As the music starts to wiggle
A tree trips and falls
The music stops to sniggle
The wind starts to whistle a tune
Increasing tempo and ranges
Trees snap their fingers and leaves dance
As the piece changes
Light claps its mighty hand
As the conductor details
Thunder's crooked foot-stomps
And fortissimo hails
The sky heaves an exhausted sigh
As the music now slows
The trees still swaying their hips
To magnificent solos
The sun gives a standing ovation
As woodwinds softly sing
The world stops its gyrations
With one last simple string
Heya AskPaddy,
I think I'll work solely on the 2nd paragraph today, since overall this seems like a pretty tightly-written piece.
You begin with "he" and don't use anything else but this pronoun until paragraph 6. This doesn't do any favors for Paul's characterization, and any intervening "he" pronouns must be compared to figure out which man you mean. I don't see anything gained by keeping your main character a mystery here.
He always sat on the same long bench, provided by the council but today a couple were already on the bench so he moved to the next one along. That's a long, compound sentence without separation commas. The one comma in there is misused, separating a noun from its descriptive clause. Let's put them in the proper pause places: He always sat on the same long bench provided by the council, but today a couple were already on the bench, so he moved to the next one along.
He wore an old worn- out anorak You need a hyphen in worn-out, otherwise you're describing how it is worn instead of its condition.
Anyone who tried to start a conversation got short shifted with a series of gruff grunts Here perhaps you mean short-shrifted.
Heya Rolph, John here with a review of your scifi piece
At the top of your item body, you retype the title. It doesn't stand distinct from the story, though. Consider putting an indent, then bolding and underlining it. That way it'll stand out. In fact, it'll look like my section headers below:
Prologue
2nd : the asteroid’s goal was in sight How about "destiny" or "fate" instead of "goal" (since in parag 1 you said the asteroid knew not its destination)?
3rd : its siblings, whomwho together would bring "whom" is an object pronoun (like "them"); "who" is a subject pronoun(like "they")
4th : the asteroids' hunger for destruction (apostrophe)
Chapter 1
3rd : empty and baronbarren corn field A "baron" is a land-owning noble unrelated to the royal family. for a moment , then with an almost military about-face,turn Jacob took off for This compound sentence was too long to go without commas. grimace at the soundthought of a crow casserole with outwithout driving for five days
10th : the sky it selfitself was growing brighter
13th : wife and son prepared dinner unknowinglyunaware They can't prepare an an unknowing manner. They can prepare while unaware of something else, though.
14th : weeks since the wholeall three of them "The whole lot" or "the whole family" works, too. But "three" is already a whole number.
15th : was fidgeting with boredom , ; he had plans for later Since both halves are complete sentences and there's no conjunction, this should be a semi-colon. If you use a comma, that's called "comma splicing."
20th : he said calmly , ; he had to keep calm Two sentences without a conjunction, so use a semicolon (or a long dash since the 2nd sentence is an explanation of the first).
22nd : the melted flesh from his son's palm (apostrophe) to cool his son's blistered and burnt hand (apostrophe)
Chapter 2
3rd : temperature slowly rising , ; at first it was
4th : burning away ; , creating a snowflake Here the last bit is not a complete sentence. It is dependent upon the first half and cannot stand alone.
Chapter 3
It's strange that now you're taking the general, wide-angle view of what happens. You spent the first 2 chapters with a narrow, individual view. Usually you start wide and then focus. Maybe because this is a shorter story? Otherwise you could develop all this information if novel-length.
Will this continue, with "Dawn of Destruction" as the first chapter? If not, I think you should omit "astronomisis" from the title.
I always enjoy these armageddon scenarios. Write another
Just a few typos in this swarm of imagery: sky's reflectionnreflection temperamental nature Loneliness of a deserted all the insightfullnessinsightfulness Rampant tears
If you have any questions about the site, just ask.
As we say around here, "Write on!"
Be careful to maintain the same verb tense throughout. The story is mostly told in present tense, but sometimes (like around the 911 call) you slip into past tense.
I don't think "True Love" is an appropriate title. How about "The Days Apart" or something that mentions the separation?
If you have any questions about the site, just ask.
As we say around here, "Write on!"
First, a typo in the item description:thougthsthoughts of death
In it'sits cold
I don't like all the periods and commas breaking up the lines. I see your intention to create a staccato effect, but you're turning each line into a fragment instead of letting the meaning spill over naturally to the next line.
I like a shorter, fatter poem. You can achieve your intention by using indentations and spacing instead of newlines. See how this looks:
Alone
Alone I stand staring out. out Into the black abyss
surrounding me
enveloping me
In its cold and uncaring arms,
Seeking searching for me. mealone
Alone in a cruel and heartless world,
Scared confused trying to flee,
Flee from this icy grip. Struggling. fighting Fighting to break free, but alas, Alas It has won, won this fight.
As the darkness shrouds my body my soul,
I cry out
...
...
(But no words will come.)
...
...
No words to express this rage this anger an anger That burns inside inside My lifeless body.
I drift away from all feeling and emotion.
I look back back to see: see
Myself.
(Alone.)
I hope my perspective is refreshing & useful
Write on!
I don't see any typos in the spell-checker, so good job there.
One thing you can do to immediately improve the appearance of this piece is to put blank lines in between each paragraph. That makes it easier on the readers' eyes.
LayingLying there in the darkness
He is transparent. I know what you mean here, but "transparent" is normally a negative adjective. How about "guileless" instead?
Excellent selection of genres! It takes most new people a few days to figure out how to select them.
I realize this is just a draft, so I'll just point out a few technical points. In the meantime, you should add genres Romance/Love, Relationship, and Philosophical to this so it gets more views!
impossible task that laylies ahead
YourYou are disoriented
the rightrite of passage
with its sweet tongue it whispers
Are you sure she is the one
The first 6 paragraphs have gone by and they all seem to be about falling in love. Only now in 7 does an interracial element begin. Just a note, since maybe that's intentional.
reposition your selfyourself multiple times When you are talking about manipulating your Freudian ego, then "your self" is an open compound. When your action is simply reflexive (you are your own action's object) then "yourself" is a closed compound.
never be this privileged again
Days latterlater, she calls
Love is only blind when it is plutonicplatonic "Plutonic" means it comes from the [former] planet Pluto. You mean "Platonic" here, which is love on a non-physical level.
If family member’s whishmembers wish the love
involvement and blessing There's obviously more that didn't get cut-n-pasted in here. Keep going!
I'd call this essay "Is Love Blind?" This is a bit abstract at times. You'd be well-served to include some specific examples alongside your interesting generalizations. Perhaps two fictional characters in a relationship as the essay develops?
Good title & description -- also good opening 2 sentences. You pose questions to which readers (myself included) want to keep reading to find the answers.
I did have to increase the rating to 13+ due to the f-word and sex discussion in here. Can't have the little kiddies ruminating on those topics, heh.
not even convinced itsit's what
said for the infiniteNth time It's impossible to say something infinity times. Usually we say Nth time to express countlessly (but rationally) many times.
Very intelligent discussion here. I particularly like the part where the itch progresses to a rash.
ItsIt's the ones that have lingered
make them go away? Or is more time simply the answer? These sentences began as questions and still needs a question mark at the ends.
I say "making love" ought to more correctly labeled "celebrating love" except that it's often just used as hedonistic entertainment these days.
holding on to someone knewnew
Powerful ending. It narrows from philosophical musings to a very personal plea.
in your item description: all thatsthat's happening
stanza 1: Maybe we should all fly,
look through these clouds,
and see the stars,
but by earth we are so bound. I think "clouds" and "bound" are a poor fit.
Let's see how you might like something different: Maybe we all should fly
through the clouds up to the stars
instead of being bound by earth
crawling mile by mile in cars.
Stanza 2: line 2 is a little short. Don't miss this chance to put a nice adjective in front of "price"!
Stanza 3: how about "familiar" instead of "such" confusion. it's more descriptive.
Stanza 7: same deal with "price" again... it could really use an adjective here. this is a free spot in which to add meaning
I couldn't figure out any particular "all that's going on" meaning, sorry. I'm sure it's in there, though. It swings broad strokes with its meanings.
I really like that this is told via story instead of the usual debate arguments I'm used to reading.
Let's get the typos out of here!
thin mustache twichedtwitched abrupt loss of conciousnessconsciousness make out was a silouhettesilhouette form of stobestrobe lights joined in on the pandamoniumpandemonium audience became dubiousermore dubious
Perfect ending line. Not only will people understand the argument now, but it's a funny commercial line.
Now just give this thing a content rating (E is good, I think) so that more people can see it on public listings. Then you'll be all set
One thing you can do to make this story look more inviting is to add blank lines between each paragraph. That'll improve the attractiveness at first glance.
Here are all the typos: her legs stinging by the first tennantstenants slightest scrapescrap of food empty styrafoamstyrofoam bowl sat infrontin front of She slideslid the bowl she wisperedwhispered refferingreferring to Billie's sister whomwho had passed on four years beforbefore
Take care of those and I'll definitely increase my rating.
Write on!
Howdy Mwade, and welcome to Writing.Com.
Let's see if I can suggest things to improve your piece here...
First off, I see no misspellings in the spellchecker... good job. One thing you can do to immediately help the looks of this story is to put blank lines between each paragraph. That way it's not all jumbled together.
Also, you'll want to spice up your first sentence. That's what entices a reader to keep reading the tale. How about: The beautiful woman saw a shadow out of the corner of her eye.
This creates a question right away. Readers will continue to find out what the shadow is.
Howdy J.Alan,
I see no misspellings in the spell-checker, which always speaks good things about your writing practices. Whether you're a good speller or always check yourself, you make it easy on us readers to pay attention to the story.
You could make this look more inviting by inserting blank lines between each paragraph. The indents are attractive.
Uh, after reading the story, I'd say you probably don't use the spell-checker. You have as good a balance of dialogue and action as any writer I've seen on this site. I can't even find grammar or punctuation or style weaknesses, and I look with a nitpicky editor's eye.
Strange ending, but I guess it only highlights another of his habits. I like the casual tone of this story, and it was obvious the two have a comfortable relationship. The characterization was good.
No suggestions except to add some white space. Great job.
Hiya Fallen, I've skimmed over your chapters for errors. I'll just mention a couple main things to improve your piece. The present tense is hard to write; most other stories are past tense.
Introduction You seem to do comma splices too much. That's when you join two separate sentences with a comma. You should either use a semicolon or just start another sentence instead : tall for a girl ; she stands taller than Mary ; I, too, have too barbaric for me ; we didn't
Chapter 2 with mesmorizingmesmerizing blue eyes No, Shakespeare (comma, capital)
Chapter 3 John the killer , an empty shell (use comma here, not a semicolon, since it's not a separate sentence) when you try to please everybody : they ignore (use colon here) making me feel uncomfortable," she says
Chapter 4 I laylie in my bed is, well , my new hobby (comma) twenty-two-year-old male (hyphens)
Hope these pointers help... keep going on chapter 4!
Heya, nice little short character intro. I like that it's done with a scene, instead of just telling us about their background. Let's dive in:
add to his mystique , ; however , the resulting add to his mystique; however, the resulting
"smoking these things for to help make me look tough" This is part of Big Eddie's speech, so I don't think he'd be saying "for to help" -- after all, this is a guy who in the next sentence says "all's they do"! How about the simple fix of dropping the "for"? "smoking these things to help make me look tough"
The final line is ironically funny...good ending. We don't learn much about Woody here, but Eddie is quite a character!
Heya Millhouse,
Nice short story you got here. I wish there were spaces between each paragraph, to make it look easier to read at first glance. That's a simple tip but it goes a long way with your readers, trust me. Also, add genre Suspense/Thriller so you get more hits when people search.
Now, on to a few typos:
flashes of light eminatingemanating
I thoughthought about how grand it would it be
At this point, you change from present-progressive tense ("I have been watching for days") to past tense ("I squirmed on my stomach") in telling the story.
As Sparkssparks were spewing
my face heading straitstraight
Why do I get the feeling he's about to become one with his neighbor?
Hope these little corrections appeal to you - they should just about perfect this scene.
In the item description, you misspell steriotypesstereotypes
Strange, but I didn't see any mention of stereotypes in the content of the poem. The message is unclear, though. Let's see :
Forget what you know / and be who you are
I was confused by this, since what you know is a big part of who you are. I'd rather see something like: Ignore what you fear / and be who you are
Yet we'll all be alike, / whether from near or afar.
Again, I am confused by the point. How will we be alike? We all have fears, but ignoring fears doesn't make us have anything more in common. How about: We can all be ourselves / whether from near or afar.
Combining our love / we'll all be one / But you first must conquer your fears, / Only then will we be done
The "one" and "done" lines are awkward. Be one spiritually? socially? how? And be done with what? The most important thing in your ending is to give a strong reason to "conquer your fears" so let's work on that: Combining our love / We'll get back on track / But first you must conquer / The fears that hold you back
ears felt the faithful beat of the womb Perhaps "the faithful beat in the womb" instead, since the womb itself does not beat. The heart beats in the womb.
But I had had loved her too long
drowned in it’sits melancholy
I must miss you like the passing seasons, as the flower must miss the sun amongst the snow of winter This is a weak analogy, as passing seasons indicate a natural progression of emotion (as in, getting over someone). Flowers don't exist in the winter; flowers miss the rain in daytime, and perhaps the sun at night. Much better is your final line, about missing the day during the night.
Try something like this to replace that analogy: Gone now, I must miss you as the seasons pass,
and wait to see what blooms when winter has fled.
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She'd always wondered where all those leaves ended up
above the town to the north 
First off, let's put blank lines between each paragraph. This lets some air into the text and makes it easier on the readers' eyes. Trust me, it'll look attractive that way.
I hope you want a personal editor slave, cuz I kinda went to town looking for little typos 
I didn't find 3 things and their considered effects on a person.
Will this continue, with "Dawn of Destruction" as the first chapter? If not, I think you should omit "astronomisis" from the title.
I did have to increase the rating to 13+ due to the f-word and sex discussion in here. Can't have the little kiddies ruminating on those topics, heh.