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226 Public Reviews Given
1,311 Total Reviews Given
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76
76
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is an ode, I see *Smile*
If you're going to use archaic pronouns, here's a quick refresher on their proper uses:

Thou = subjective pronoun ("Thou art my son...")
Thee = objective ("I give unto thee...")
Thee = predicative pronoun ("Woe is thee...")
Thy = possessive pronoun ("Thy rod and thy staff...")


line 8: thou thy brothers
line 8: thou thy sisters
line 12: thy thee fall
line 13: rougue rogue hands
line 19: match thou thee
line 21: thou arth art

I don't think the brief description is accurate. The poem heaps praises upon Kashmir, but does not actually describe the beauty of the place. Hrm.
77
77
Review of Say No More  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Yep, there is some humor in this. Enough that I think, given more time, you could develop into something LOL-worthy *Smile*

Typos
*Bullet*line 2: creating poems are is something
*Bullet*line 3: Now bare bear with me
*Bullet*line 12: thirty-three

Suggestions
*Bullet*The creation time is recorded already - no need to put it next to the title within the poem
*Bullet*last line : "the look in your eyes" is weird considering you're speaking through writing to your readers, whose eyes you cannot see
78
78
Review of A Lively Poem  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey Zed,
You should put a content rating on this poem, so that you get more views. Right now it won't show up in many searches or listings. This could be "E" rated easily.

Typos
*Bullet*in description: live life
*Bullet*line 3: its it's
*Bullet*line 5: acheivement achievement
*Bullet*line 8: judgement judgment

Suggestions
*Bullet*line 5: I know why you want "conceivement" (to internally rhyme with "achievement") but the proper word is "conception"
*Bullet*line 9: eliminate the 2nd "it" for better flow
*Bullet*line 12: how about "to rise above the drifts" instead

The final two lines are a complete mystery... I've been rereading it, trying to find some meaning, but I don't get it. *Confused*
79
79
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
In the brief description for this piece, you have:

Did you lingered to long today?
         2 typos fixed:
Did you linger too long today?

2nd stanza: I propose "dammit" as a better spelling than "damit" ... what do you think?

Not sure that I entirely follow the action here, but it occurs to me that your computer is the vampire, sucking away your life 4 hours at a time *Laugh*
80
80
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (4.5)
I usually despise questions within a poem, but this is brilliantly done. In particular, the middle stanzas were laugh-out-loud-worthy ("junior high locker" and "rubber-gloved you").

I see no typos; in fact, my only possible complaint is how tall and skinny this looks on screen. It might turn people off to see this'll be 6 screens of reading. I think it's skinny enough that you could get away with doubling up the lines. Squeeze every 2 together making a poem half as long, twice as thick. See how that looks compared to this one...
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