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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/johnjenkins
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93 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: E | (4.5)
I fight all day long.
It takes a brave one to,
Say what they're feeling.
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2
Review of Haiku #65  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I just didn't think
That birds would just sing blithely
But now it makes sense.
3
3
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Chapter 71: Sunset

The first thing that really caught my eye was this quote:

"We give them a little sex, make them sign some paperwork, and then they hand over their entire paycheck to us."

I'm not going to lie. I've literally heard women say these exact words before, but usually, she's the one who you really have to look out for. As I read more, I thought that it would really be kickass if she said the opposite, if she were sharing her "top three tips" of how to get over on men. That would've been more of a female bonding experience and it would've endeared me to her more.

About the poem:

About two years ago, I read a book called The Story of the Irish Race by Seamas McManus. It started off with the rich literary history of Ireland, and all of the great tale that came out of that nation. That's what I thought of when I read the poem. I did follow your poem. Though the inevitable caveats apply...I could not find the song this time. Maybe I should've used my own soundtrack? Well.

(1000 Characters)
4
4
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Chapter 66: Gertrude

From now on I've decided to listen to the suggested song before writing the review. It really helps. As I listened to the song on Youtube, I was immediately struck by the deep, abiding Tennessee sound in the music. From the twangy guitar chords to the soothing voices, this definitely had that Tennessee sound that I knew from childhood. The sound eerily fit the opening of Chapter 66 right where the limousine comes in. I never thought that I would see this story come to the point where Gertrude is trying to get Joan to come to church. I never thought I'd read those words in a story like this. Obviously, I'm no party animal (and like I said, former Fundamentalist) but I'm surprised at the direction of this story. The southern sound of the song really fit the opening of Chapter 66. I'm sort of an old guy and as a former film fanatic I would hear songs like this in dozens of movies that (seemingly) have nothing to do with the south specifically. Very warming.

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5
5
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Chapter 56: Tacos

I'll start with the end because that was the biggest thing for me. I know that in a previous story, Joan had planned to go flying, but for someone who had never read the series, having her suddenly go onto a plane seemed a little abrupt. There's a lot of unattributed text in this passage, which was a great departure from your previous editions. Unattributed text used to be my bread-and-butter as a writer, but I caught all kinds of hell for them. Apparently, if only two people are conversing, with vastly different personalities and inclinations, people still can't tell who's talking unless there's this boring name tag sticking out. That's another advantage that comics have over stories. I use them sparingly now, or barely. In the third paragraph, there is a run-on sentence that doesn't look right. You're really working hard to develop Joan as a person (Is she just a "whore" or is she something more?) I can't guess where this is going to end up. I can't wait to see. JJ
6
6
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Review of Yoga:

This one was very edgy. I see that you added or subtracted things from the normal dialogue to make it more "in your face."
In the story, you wrote:
"You show him all the best make out spots on campus?" Dimitri asked.
I used to do that all the time, and I caught all kinds of hell for it. I liked the style of being able to say something in an edgy, don't-give-a-damn type way, but for most of my readers, they just couldn't understand what I wrote.
Nowadays, I'd just write:
"Did you show him the campus make out spots?" Dimitri asked.
I know it's pure vanilla, and it's not that interesting, but people seemed to understand it more. The main difference is that you're writing about how she feels "protected" and safe. Whereas in the first episode I reviewed, it was just about Seto Kaiba calling her a whore 25 different ways and "having his way with her." I wish I knew what happened the last few parts to change your view of Joan. Very entertaining. Like a classic manga. Good.JJ

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7
7
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Chapter Review: Neverland.

I really do appreciate the songs in front of each chapter. It gives me sort of a frame of reference. Then I can go and listen to the songs as I go through the story (Youtube, sorry). Anyway, I know that I had previously brought up the fact that you were adding in fantasy elements as well as the "patent eroticism" of each episode. In the beginning of this chapter, Tamara pulls up to the house and there's a "dragon" wrapped around a tree. Gut-check time: I hadn't the slightest idea if that was a real dragon, or may be porcelain or terra-cotta. That may confuse some people, but I was more than willing to head forth into the story. The thing that stood out to me the most about this was that Jessica was very adamant to know who Tamara and "Joe" were, but they were very tight-lipped. It added in a form of tension and danger that you always put into your stories. It was interesting that Mokuba wanted real friends instead of having to pay everyone to like him. True
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8
8
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"There's nothing wrong with being a whore" is a very apt summary of what's happening with Joan. She's becoming more and more accepted, though Michael and Linda still keep her at arm's length. When she has her large speech that she gives about everybody having a weakness, it showed a kind of wisdom about her that I had not seen in previous chapters. You expressed concerns earlier, and it may complicate things for you that you're talking about "whores" in front of characters who are under 18. But I'm sure I'm missing some nuance here.
Chapter 37:
"Sometimes it's difficult to tell." I was amazed at the crowning cacophony of curse words that I was accustomed to from the earlier iterations. There's a season for everything. Writing is about seasons. Seto is turning into a more well-rounded person. He's not just focused on Mokuba and Joan, but also Nathaniel now. This was definitely a more hardcore iteration. I really wonder about the story arcs. Seto even acknowledges some flaws as well.JJ

(1000 Characters)
9
9
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
First of all, you won't like this, but I think that you should write your own songs instead of trying to use established ones. You'd be surprised at how much it can come in handy in the future. When I wrote my first two albums, I don't know. The words and melodies just came to me. A good way to do it would be to just write rhyming stanzas until you get to 16 stanzas. Then you basically have a song. The title of this said that it would be "gooey" but it starts out downright pious! I've never seen so many references to Jesus in a fan fiction. It doesn't bother me. What nobody knows is that I used to be a fundamentalist Christian, so I know the lingo. It's just that when I read the title, I expected some Ripley vs Queen Xenomorph-type sex. Balls-to-the-wall. The world series of orgies. But it's okay if you wanted to "ramp it up" instead of shooting it right in our eyes from the beginning. The only grammatical mistake is when Gertrude asks Joan, "tell me what he did to you." Question mark.
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10
10
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First of all, what is polyisoprene? I know I could've googled it, but that .2 seconds of googling is too much time for the average first-worlder. In this one, I actually appreciated the note at the beginning. Though we could've got it through context clues, and the notes won't survive in the book adaptation (or e-book). In the beginning it says "He donned a condom purely out of habit." Actually to make a statement like that, he would have to be doing something extraordinary. There was one little contradiction. It's not what you think, but in the middle of Chapter 16, Seto says that he would rather pay up front than go through "mind games." But then, when she won't have sex as if they loved each other, he
contradicts himself and says that she was "no better than a blow up doll." Which one is it? Is he looking for something "Hard and Fast" or slow and soft? Ironically, I'd think that Seto would be a lot happier with a blowup doll. That would be a great idea for a story. Prolific writer. (1000 Characters)
11
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"This was a man, not a vulture." I liked that line. I'm really starting to warm up to this series. It starts off wit Seto inviting Joan into his room. Perhaps there should've been a little "hint" as to exactly what he was looking for. That would've made the story more "Aerodynamic." But anyway, it is revealed that Mokuba had "reserved" her services. This is nothing new for this series, but it does raise some important questions, like, "Who takes precedence?" And, "What happens in case of an honor war?"

As usual, Joan is able to play both men off on each other. The invitation of the reporter into the room was very interesting. I almost wondered if...if Seto would be able to convince her to participate as well. Overall, it's hard to wrap my head around exactly where this series is going. But that's the great thing. It's your series! You can take it in whatever direction you wish. Will this have a Shakespearean ending? Will the jealousy, pride and passion of these characters win out? JJ

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12
12
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 2

Chapter six starts of with Roland interviewing Joan. He asks her many questions, ending with a disclaimer for a search. She agrees. Then he searches her, performs a blood test and confiscates some of her material. Finally, he warns her about her hygiene.

In chapter seven, she meets with Seto Kaiba and they have sex. She is not a "kind lover" and something happens to him in the process, which is alluded to afterwards, but not expounded upon in Chapter seven. Finally, chapter seven ends with Seto meeting his brother at the Game Developer's Summit

I was oddly interested in the banter between Roland and Joan. Early in the story, Roland asks Joan if she's into "Mokuba", which is ironically the same name as Seto Kaiba's brother. I think you did this because you thought that the actual term would be too sexually explicit for this website. That shouldn't be a problem with the right rating. As long as it's not rated 13 or lower you should be fine.JJ

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13
13
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love the Shakespeare reference in Chapter 3. About the author's note. I don't think you should mention Fanfiction.net on this website. For three reasons (I'm a fanfiction.net transplant, so I would know). First of all, you are your own artist. Fanfiction.net doesn't own you, and neither does writing.com. You are unique. Second, websites are schizophrenic about their intellectual property. They might take your story down just for heck's sake. Third, you want to increase market share. Make unique things for each website. Okay, I ready up to Chapter 3 and I have to say that I was quite impressed. I was quite enticed when Seto propositioned Laura. I have no problem with the idea of making prostitution less stigmatized, and I think that most people will feel the same. The only thing that I would change about the entire story is the first part, where it says "The Asian" did this or "The Asian" did that. People on this platform are open-minded, but they're a little...sensitive. It's on you. (1000 Characters)
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Review of The Retriever  
Rated: E | (4.0)
FuryStrife. I think I've reviewed you before. Anyway, the purpose of this Cramp was to write a story about a street sweeper and a dog. I didn't have any expectations about this one, as I couldn't remember any previous works at the time. I really liked the emotional aspect of this story. And this story was heavy on emotion. It was really enjoyable to see the inner feelings of the characters and what they were all about. You talked about the main character's marriage troubles and career troubles. What he said to the dog was very revealing as well. I didn't even mention my street sweeper driver, but you were very generous in your writing. I imagine that this created a special connection to your story, because of the human element. But the emotion. That was the thing I brought away from your story. Throughout the entire thing it was just...captivating. The dog dies, and then he takes the dog's baby home to join his family, and he takes the dog's ashes? Would I have written a story like it?

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15
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Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hey, man. You have to use a {b-item: } to post here. Try again tomorrow, and read the instructions carefully.
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Review of Vanished  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Remember, you have to put your word count in the actual post as well, just above the {b-item }. I really liked this story. It was like the story that I would've written in that situation. But so much has changed. It was very noble and wise that the teacher wanted the races to work together - because, after all, we're all Americans - and that's how I took the story. I didn't read the prompt, but I'm assuming that it has something to do with magic, due to the disappearing boy. It was actually very convincing that the children started to care for one another when the young boy disappeared. I wouldn't have assumed so, but as I read it it started to make sense. The young children were scared and faced with adversity. This is the story that I would've written in that situation. I would've been great to see how these kids ended up as adults. How they interacted with future partners, bosses and in-laws who were the "other". If you keep writing, soon your stories will get longer and longer.

(1000 Characters)
17
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, Jay! It's been years! I've finished my first novel, so I want to start reviewing all of your works again. I like the fact that you both start and end the poem saying that people think you a "Fool" for believing that Christ rose on the first day. It really solidifies the poem. In that sense, it's like a hit song. There were places in which you simplified grammar in order to keep the rhythm consistent, and I appreciate that. In the future, though, if you have something like "for Wise One We Obey," you might want to put an "a" in there and say: for a Wise One we obey. It's both grammatically correct, AND it allows you to melt the syllable into the next word. If you say "a Wise" briskly, it sounds like one syllable.

I read this line:
As God Incarnate stood before
a man, who'd judgement give.

The problem with this is that it's saying that Jesus stood before a man, and THAT man would give judgement.

If you put a comma after before, then it's saying that Jeusus is "a man."
Keep roe
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Review of a day in the rain  
Rated: E | (4.0)
From the moment that I read "uncovered" I knew that that word was going to have a great effect in the rest of the story. Then it goes to "my feet are bare." But before that, you use alliteration to great effect: "brighter, sharper, cleaner, warmer." It almost makes me feel as if is some kind of warm, tropical rain, not the freezing cold rains that I'm used to.

I've never read somebody say that their feet "bruised the grass." That's new. I guess it implies that he was running through, trying to escape the possibility of contracting pneumonia. I don't think I could smell a glow, but I could smell a flow.

When I read the words "I feel it-" it was a religious experience for me. Plus the hyphen is certainly correct. But I was sort of let down by the fact that the only thing he felt was the water "hitting" him. You really could've said something revolutionary with that sentence, but that's just my style.

"A hint of salt" is when I really started to take notice. I reminded me of me too

187 Words. 1000 Characters.
19
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is the most original piece that I can remember. The opening was explosive. At first, when your character says he suffers from "Inversione Della Sindrome Alfabeto" I thought it was a personal confession, which made me uncomfortable. As I read further, I realized that it was certainly in character, and wildly entertaining. The part about "What happens in Texas stays in Texas" was extremely funny. What was also funny was at the end when he says "the credits rolled across me." I've never seen a movie where the character noticed the words scrolling across the credits. If somebody could do that, that would make an awesome ending for a film. First you talk about a kitten at the bridge being punished, and then the kitten and the bridge are metaphors, then you completely abandon that line of reasoning and say that "I forgot to pay my taxes." I found that very humorous, and it added texture and intelligence to your character. In the future, you have to put the word count in the actual post

176 Words. 1000 Characters.
20
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Rated: E | (3.0)
That part about all of the Fienzas being recalled, I used to do that in all of my stories. That chance occurrence that reverses everything in the story and saves the main character (or justifies him). It was actually very original to name him John Smith, as most people avoid that name nowadays.

And it seems more like an instruction manual because of the name. What's the lesson? Pay your taxes on time.

I've never seen the Honda Jazz mentioned in a story or poem before. That was very gutsy.

At first I thought Melissa was a figment of his imagination, sort of like the devil on one shoulder that tempts him to buy the car. It's very typical that he would want a brand new Corvette. Actually, you can get a new Corvette for around $60,000. Corvettes are the one of the most affordable sports cars. By comparison, a new Porsche is going to run you at least $100,000 (I mean, 911, 918, Carrera, etc).

It's good that the dealer was considerate instead of just pimp-slapping him like I expect.J

181 Words. 1000 Characters.


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Review of Tax Evader  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's nice that you've put the prompt up at top. I used to think that's why I was losing (because I didn't quid pro quo the reviewer) but it turned out that the reviewers just didn't understand my work.

The piece is very straightforward. You use longer lines than I do, but it still has a nice flow and rhythm to it that is very pleasing.

"great at procrastination" I hear that a lot nowadays. Some people say it's a virtue. It wasn't when I had it. I didn't like the second line, but I was wrong about that. It makes perfect sense. It fits the poem more than what I would've said in that instance.

And you followed the prompt correctly. The extension was for two days, but the "Great Procrastinator" waited a week, not hearing about the extension. And you repeated IRS in the second line of the stanza, just like in the second line of the first stanza. There's that consistency. And then you mention all of the bad stuff that happens when you don't pay your taxes. Stuff that I barely knew too.

187 Words. 1000 Characters.

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Review of Time  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Click the cog next to your work in your portfolio. The first option should be "edit".

I don't believe in "love at first sight," even though I experience it every day. I like how you've placed all into the hands of love. You know true devotion.

It was interesting how you used "describe" instead of "explain" in the first stanza. Describe gives you more power and control, whereas "explain" would've sounded to conciliatory.

The second stanza leads me to believe that your main character is in the military. I certainly wouldn't have guessed prison. Prison didn't fit this. Maybe a Red Bull athlete?

It's interesting that you said "my mind raced" in the third stanza, instead of "my heart raced." If it was love, I would've said the heart raced, but a wedding has a lot of logistical, left brain, hurdles that can tie the mind in knots: how and where to buy the ring; where to have the reception; how to certify the priest. All of these things can bring a lot of stress.

Overall, I enjoyed it.

179 Words. 1000 Characters.
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Review of Absurdities  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem was big on the feels for me. Especially the first stanza. It had me feeling for a time when I could still feel. I didn't like the word "Memories" for some reason, maybe a nineties thing. But I did like how you shoehorned in "open all the windows." It sort of makes you think more about what's being said. Sort of like a false sense of hope, or an attempt to be bright and positive.
The last line was powerful. It really spoke to me. It tells me that you are different and have a different angle on your interactions with people. Forgive me, but I immediately thought of school shooters, how they believed that the world was out to get them, and how they couldn't get around the roadblocks that society placed in front of them. Their actions made it harder for all of us. It didn't have to be that way, but it was. School shootings became "in vogue" and it seemed that everyone was doing it. Your poem reminded me of something that I would've written at a younger age.
185 Words.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This form reminds me of Disney movies or The Wizard of Oz. Very iconic. Especially the first stanza. They it switches from slow speed to high speed. That's a very nice skill you have. It took a while to get what was happening, but you've made the story work with the prompt in a very cohesive way, without jeopardizing meaning. I love how you've put things together. You've even rhymed windows with heroes. I never would've thought of that. It really fits with the titles. And it's nice that you have drafted the hummingbird as the hero, as they are very likeable animals. I didn't catch any typos (I can only hope that mine doesn't have any). With that first stanza, I'd say you have an 80% chance of winning tomorrow. The whole poem is very efficient. It makes the right words pop, and the flow is amazing. It's like being on a roller coaster. It was strange that "the ruby throated leader protected the feeder" when it was already broken, but that's neither here nor there.

177 Words.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very quickly. Bartender is one word. In the penultimate sentence, you put a lower-case "b" after and exclamation point. It should've been upper-case. That is all I found. Powerful story.
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