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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/johnjenkins
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81 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
First of all, you won't like this, but I think that you should write your own songs instead of trying to use established ones. You'd be surprised at how much it can come in handy in the future. When I wrote my first two albums, I don't know. The words and melodies just came to me. A good way to do it would be to just write rhyming stanzas until you get to 16 stanzas. Then you basically have a song. The title of this said that it would be "gooey" but it starts out downright pious! I've never seen so many references to Jesus in a fan fiction. It doesn't bother me. What nobody knows is that I used to be a fundamentalist Christian, so I know the lingo. It's just that when I read the title, I expected some Ripley vs Queen Xenomorph-type sex. Balls-to-the-wall. The world series of orgies. But it's okay if you wanted to "ramp it up" instead of shooting it right in our eyes from the beginning. The only grammatical mistake is when Gertrude asks Joan, "tell me what he did to you." Question mark.
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2
2
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
First of all, what is polyisoprene? I know I could've googled it, but that .2 seconds of googling is too much time for the average first-worlder. In this one, I actually appreciated the note at the beginning. Though we could've got it through context clues, and the notes won't survive in the book adaptation (or e-book). In the beginning it says "He donned a condom purely out of habit." Actually to make a statement like that, he would have to be doing something extraordinary. There was one little contradiction. It's not what you think, but in the middle of Chapter 16, Seto says that he would rather pay up front than go through "mind games." But then, when she won't have sex as if they loved each other, he
contradicts himself and says that she was "no better than a blow up doll." Which one is it? Is he looking for something "Hard and Fast" or slow and soft? Ironically, I'd think that Seto would be a lot happier with a blowup doll. That would be a great idea for a story. Prolific writer. (1000 Characters)
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"This was a man, not a vulture." I liked that line. I'm really starting to warm up to this series. It starts off wit Seto inviting Joan into his room. Perhaps there should've been a little "hint" as to exactly what he was looking for. That would've made the story more "Aerodynamic." But anyway, it is revealed that Mokuba had "reserved" her services. This is nothing new for this series, but it does raise some important questions, like, "Who takes precedence?" And, "What happens in case of an honor war?"

As usual, Joan is able to play both men off on each other. The invitation of the reporter into the room was very interesting. I almost wondered if...if Seto would be able to convince her to participate as well. Overall, it's hard to wrap my head around exactly where this series is going. But that's the great thing. It's your series! You can take it in whatever direction you wish. Will this have a Shakespearean ending? Will the jealousy, pride and passion of these characters win out? JJ

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4
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing Kaiba's Prostitute - Part 2

Chapter six starts of with Roland interviewing Joan. He asks her many questions, ending with a disclaimer for a search. She agrees. Then he searches her, performs a blood test and confiscates some of her material. Finally, he warns her about her hygiene.

In chapter seven, she meets with Seto Kaiba and they have sex. She is not a "kind lover" and something happens to him in the process, which is alluded to afterwards, but not expounded upon in Chapter seven. Finally, chapter seven ends with Seto meeting his brother at the Game Developer's Summit

I was oddly interested in the banter between Roland and Joan. Early in the story, Roland asks Joan if she's into "Mokuba", which is ironically the same name as Seto Kaiba's brother. I think you did this because you thought that the actual term would be too sexually explicit for this website. That shouldn't be a problem with the right rating. As long as it's not rated 13 or lower you should be fine.JJ

[1000 Characters]
5
5
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love the Shakespeare reference in Chapter 3. About the author's note. I don't think you should mention Fanfiction.net on this website. For three reasons (I'm a fanfiction.net transplant, so I would know). First of all, you are your own artist. Fanfiction.net doesn't own you, and neither does writing.com. You are unique. Second, websites are schizophrenic about their intellectual property. They might take your story down just for heck's sake. Third, you want to increase market share. Make unique things for each website. Okay, I ready up to Chapter 3 and I have to say that I was quite impressed. I was quite enticed when Seto propositioned Laura. I have no problem with the idea of making prostitution less stigmatized, and I think that most people will feel the same. The only thing that I would change about the entire story is the first part, where it says "The Asian" did this or "The Asian" did that. People on this platform are open-minded, but they're a little...sensitive. It's on you. (1000 Characters)
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Review of The Retriever  
Rated: E | (4.0)
FuryStrife. I think I've reviewed you before. Anyway, the purpose of this Cramp was to write a story about a street sweeper and a dog. I didn't have any expectations about this one, as I couldn't remember any previous works at the time. I really liked the emotional aspect of this story. And this story was heavy on emotion. It was really enjoyable to see the inner feelings of the characters and what they were all about. You talked about the main character's marriage troubles and career troubles. What he said to the dog was very revealing as well. I didn't even mention my street sweeper driver, but you were very generous in your writing. I imagine that this created a special connection to your story, because of the human element. But the emotion. That was the thing I brought away from your story. Throughout the entire thing it was just...captivating. The dog dies, and then he takes the dog's baby home to join his family, and he takes the dog's ashes? Would I have written a story like it?

1000 Characters
7
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Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hey, man. You have to use a {b-item: } to post here. Try again tomorrow, and read the instructions carefully.
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8
Review of Vanished  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Remember, you have to put your word count in the actual post as well, just above the {b-item }. I really liked this story. It was like the story that I would've written in that situation. But so much has changed. It was very noble and wise that the teacher wanted the races to work together - because, after all, we're all Americans - and that's how I took the story. I didn't read the prompt, but I'm assuming that it has something to do with magic, due to the disappearing boy. It was actually very convincing that the children started to care for one another when the young boy disappeared. I wouldn't have assumed so, but as I read it it started to make sense. The young children were scared and faced with adversity. This is the story that I would've written in that situation. I would've been great to see how these kids ended up as adults. How they interacted with future partners, bosses and in-laws who were the "other". If you keep writing, soon your stories will get longer and longer.

(1000 Characters)
9
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey, Jay! It's been years! I've finished my first novel, so I want to start reviewing all of your works again. I like the fact that you both start and end the poem saying that people think you a "Fool" for believing that Christ rose on the first day. It really solidifies the poem. In that sense, it's like a hit song. There were places in which you simplified grammar in order to keep the rhythm consistent, and I appreciate that. In the future, though, if you have something like "for Wise One We Obey," you might want to put an "a" in there and say: for a Wise One we obey. It's both grammatically correct, AND it allows you to melt the syllable into the next word. If you say "a Wise" briskly, it sounds like one syllable.

I read this line:
As God Incarnate stood before
a man, who'd judgement give.

The problem with this is that it's saying that Jesus stood before a man, and THAT man would give judgement.

If you put a comma after before, then it's saying that Jeusus is "a man."
Keep roe
(1000 Characters)
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Review of a day in the rain  
Rated: E | (4.0)
From the moment that I read "uncovered" I knew that that word was going to have a great effect in the rest of the story. Then it goes to "my feet are bare." But before that, you use alliteration to great effect: "brighter, sharper, cleaner, warmer." It almost makes me feel as if is some kind of warm, tropical rain, not the freezing cold rains that I'm used to.

I've never read somebody say that their feet "bruised the grass." That's new. I guess it implies that he was running through, trying to escape the possibility of contracting pneumonia. I don't think I could smell a glow, but I could smell a flow.

When I read the words "I feel it-" it was a religious experience for me. Plus the hyphen is certainly correct. But I was sort of let down by the fact that the only thing he felt was the water "hitting" him. You really could've said something revolutionary with that sentence, but that's just my style.

"A hint of salt" is when I really started to take notice. I reminded me of me too

187 Words. 1000 Characters.
11
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Rated: E | (3.0)
That part about all of the Fienzas being recalled, I used to do that in all of my stories. That chance occurrence that reverses everything in the story and saves the main character (or justifies him). It was actually very original to name him John Smith, as most people avoid that name nowadays.

And it seems more like an instruction manual because of the name. What's the lesson? Pay your taxes on time.

I've never seen the Honda Jazz mentioned in a story or poem before. That was very gutsy.

At first I thought Melissa was a figment of his imagination, sort of like the devil on one shoulder that tempts him to buy the car. It's very typical that he would want a brand new Corvette. Actually, you can get a new Corvette for around $60,000. Corvettes are the one of the most affordable sports cars. By comparison, a new Porsche is going to run you at least $100,000 (I mean, 911, 918, Carrera, etc).

It's good that the dealer was considerate instead of just pimp-slapping him like I expect.J

181 Words. 1000 Characters.


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Review of Tax Evader  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's nice that you've put the prompt up at top. I used to think that's why I was losing (because I didn't quid pro quo the reviewer) but it turned out that the reviewers just didn't understand my work.

The piece is very straightforward. You use longer lines than I do, but it still has a nice flow and rhythm to it that is very pleasing.

"great at procrastination" I hear that a lot nowadays. Some people say it's a virtue. It wasn't when I had it. I didn't like the second line, but I was wrong about that. It makes perfect sense. It fits the poem more than what I would've said in that instance.

And you followed the prompt correctly. The extension was for two days, but the "Great Procrastinator" waited a week, not hearing about the extension. And you repeated IRS in the second line of the stanza, just like in the second line of the first stanza. There's that consistency. And then you mention all of the bad stuff that happens when you don't pay your taxes. Stuff that I barely knew too.

187 Words. 1000 Characters.

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Review of Time  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Click the cog next to your work in your portfolio. The first option should be "edit".

I don't believe in "love at first sight," even though I experience it every day. I like how you've placed all into the hands of love. You know true devotion.

It was interesting how you used "describe" instead of "explain" in the first stanza. Describe gives you more power and control, whereas "explain" would've sounded to conciliatory.

The second stanza leads me to believe that your main character is in the military. I certainly wouldn't have guessed prison. Prison didn't fit this. Maybe a Red Bull athlete?

It's interesting that you said "my mind raced" in the third stanza, instead of "my heart raced." If it was love, I would've said the heart raced, but a wedding has a lot of logistical, left brain, hurdles that can tie the mind in knots: how and where to buy the ring; where to have the reception; how to certify the priest. All of these things can bring a lot of stress.

Overall, I enjoyed it.

179 Words. 1000 Characters.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I can see why this one won. It's like the fable about the young princes who kisses frogs until one of them turns into a prince. Very nice. The repeating of the quote was jarring, but it flowed with the story and gave it purpose.

"And, smiling back at his pure excitement and joy, she took his hand."

This line tells us that we are heading for an adventure. Sorry for the short review.
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like the story. They want to buy a house, though people say it's haunted. The little girl asks if they will be haunted. I didn't mind that you didn't but who said what at the end of the dialogue. Some contests on this website tell you to do that. But in this contest the judges really frown on that. So take heart. Also, at the end you wrote:

"for the childhood home she had torn from her"

While I understood what it meant and it was grammatically correct, for the sake of clarity you should've said "they had torn from her" or "that had been taken from her" or maybe a proper noun. A proper noun would have enticed the ready to stay along for the conclusion. That would have been a coup as far as writing is concerned.

I like that she took her daughter along to check out the house. And you even understood blond vs blonde. Not very many people get that.

You forgot to bold "clean the garage." I'm pretty sure I read it in the story, but it's not bold. Thanks for writing.

189 Words.
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Review of Absurdities  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem was big on the feels for me. Especially the first stanza. It had me feeling for a time when I could still feel. I didn't like the word "Memories" for some reason, maybe a nineties thing. But I did like how you shoehorned in "open all the windows." It sort of makes you think more about what's being said. Sort of like a false sense of hope, or an attempt to be bright and positive.
The last line was powerful. It really spoke to me. It tells me that you are different and have a different angle on your interactions with people. Forgive me, but I immediately thought of school shooters, how they believed that the world was out to get them, and how they couldn't get around the roadblocks that society placed in front of them. Their actions made it harder for all of us. It didn't have to be that way, but it was. School shootings became "in vogue" and it seemed that everyone was doing it. Your poem reminded me of something that I would've written at a younger age.
185 Words.
17
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This form reminds me of Disney movies or The Wizard of Oz. Very iconic. Especially the first stanza. They it switches from slow speed to high speed. That's a very nice skill you have. It took a while to get what was happening, but you've made the story work with the prompt in a very cohesive way, without jeopardizing meaning. I love how you've put things together. You've even rhymed windows with heroes. I never would've thought of that. It really fits with the titles. And it's nice that you have drafted the hummingbird as the hero, as they are very likeable animals. I didn't catch any typos (I can only hope that mine doesn't have any). With that first stanza, I'd say you have an 80% chance of winning tomorrow. The whole poem is very efficient. It makes the right words pop, and the flow is amazing. It's like being on a roller coaster. It was strange that "the ruby throated leader protected the feeder" when it was already broken, but that's neither here nor there.

177 Words.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very quickly. Bartender is one word. In the penultimate sentence, you put a lower-case "b" after and exclamation point. It should've been upper-case. That is all I found. Powerful story.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You'll probably win today. you have that style of writing that is so engaging. I can't duplicate it. The only mistake I could catch was when you wrote:

"Over the next five hours, Kavion danced, and talked, to all nine of the females there several times."

There should not be a comma after talked. The reason why is that when you put a double comma, it carries the clause from the preceding statement. In this case it would read as:

"Kavion danced to all nine" and Kavion "talked to all nine"

With just one comma, it reads:

"Kavion danced" and "Kavion talked to"

Of course you don't have to worry about the judges finding that.

The story was more related to dancing than romance, but my story had the same problem. I love how you added in the future technology to make it more Sci-Fi. That really fit the theme.

Quickly, Change this sentence at the top:
"Just as Kavion and Catonna got to the other dancers, the music stop."

Change "stop" to "stopped."
That is all.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The last line is CLASSIC! "And an anniversary is an anniversary." I loved that. It was nice that you copied the prompt to the top. I probably wouldn't do it, but I think it helps the judges a lot. The gun made an early appearance. Guns in stories and go either way. They raise the stakes really high, because all the character would have to do is accidentally discharge and then spend their lives behind bars, or get the death penalty. But you added a gun AND kept it light. You meticulously followed the prompt as well. It was very clear as to what your were referring to. I also didn't detect any typos in the story. The only part I didn't like was when the main character is like, "I almost shot you, and I might just do it anyway." Paraphrasing, but that reminded me too much or Riggs and the other guy from Lethal Weapon. Other than that, fine story. Hope to see you for the next four days. 171 Words.
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Review of Candlelight  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was a very devilish and intriguing story. I just wanted to tell you that the judges around here think that every little thing is x-rated, so don't be surprised if they get fussy about you having the word "rape" in your story. I was intrigued by the opening because I had often contemplated my earliest memory. That was so interesting how similar this character's one was to mine. At the end is when the story really heats up. I like the "Silence of the Lambs" reference it was so iconic of a film. I wish it was referenced more often. I also like how the ending was open-ended. The counting part didn't affect me all that much, but it seemed like you were trying to add the tension and make me nervous. It was not my favorite style, but I'm glad you're #ShootingFor1000 and making an impact.
148 Words.
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Review of Insert title here  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the first stanza because there was so much mystery involved. Unbeknownst vs Unknown. It makes me want to research the meanings of words to get a better understanding. I see the idea of love existing without hate as being a sort-of cliche. I mean, theoretically it is possible, but life isn't fun without something to hate. Love gets tiring after a while. But the ending was tremendous. To see one's own blindness. That's one thing that blind people have over us. They can actually see that they are blind. For the rest of us, even if we close our eyes, we still see that ring of light.
It's sort of a paradox at the end, because we go from being blind to realizing that there is no light.

130 Words.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this poem because it's so "poemy." A lot of times people write poems and they're just "prose in stanzas that rhyme," but you have taken the time to add a poetic twist and there's a certain overall character that speaks to your personality.
I always try to date your poems, and in the first stanza it has the word "core." When I think of that word, I think of computer cores, because that's the realm that I'm most familiar with, but in actuality the word could denote any time. And truly this poem could be from any time.

I didn't understand "no eye he thus displays" except to think that maybe his eyes aren't visible. But it wasn't a deal breaker for me.

When I read the second stanza, I could see the Christian influence. "[L]ife that may yet be" could be a reference to the birth of the baby Jesus. And I couldn't figure out why you put "me" in quotes, except that maybe you were quoting the bible. On a side note, I like how you've added the "hath, speaks, shows, gives" to each stanza. It makes it easier to read, and more enjoyable.

In the third stanza, you used the word "knows" and that is interesting, because when we studied the bible, in many cases to "know" meant to have sex with. I know it's an obscure reference, but that's what I kept thinking about.

This is going to seem quite odd, but in the fourth stanza I would've put "While self may yet increase." I understand that it's a Christian thing to say that "let me decrease so that He may increase," But I tend to think that if you help others, you increase your own potential as a human being. Your spiritual power grows. Just a slight point of contention.

It was really masterful how you put "if...if...is" in the beginning of the next three stanzas. It's repetition without stagnation. I assume that in the sixth stanza you were saying that Santa Clause was "the source of Joy or Sad." That's probably an oversimplification, though.

In stanza you're saying that we should become daily Santa Clauses, sort of like how to the bible says "I die daily." Interesting. I think in stanza 8 you're saying that things get worse, even though you thought you'd suffered enough.

Was the 9th stanza about the 2016 election? Sorry I went there. Are you saying that Trump stole Christmas?

412 Words.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I question the choice of entering a Newbies Only contest when anybody can look at your work and tell that you're an expert. But I digress. It is true that if you have a "best," you'll "stand the test." I can think back to my own life. I never had anybody that really cared about me, someone that I could go to in an emergency. When my back was against the wall, I had nowhere to go. So I could not "stand the test." There must be an evolutionary element to this. In prehistoric times, if you couldn't build beneficial relationships, you were dead. That simple. We can still see that play out in modern times.

But at the same time, we are not our friends. We have different personalities and (hopefully) different histories.

It would've been so funny if you had written, "Some hear my jokes, and frown" in the sixth stanza. It means the exact opposite of what you wrote, but it still fits the narrative. "As youthful man I 'toed the line'" in stanza eight is an extreme cliche, and probably shouldn't be in quotes. And I know you're not going to like this, but "toeing the line" is more about conformity, whereas this stanza is about being wild and disobedient. It doesn't fit narratively. I know it was more nuanced than that, but that is what stuck in my head. "Live and let live" is also a cliche, albeit a more pleasant one to look at.

In the first two lines of the last stanza, you start by saying "one" and then you say "my." You're switching from the third person to the first person without warning. That's jarring. Maybe it should've been "the day" instead of "my day".
But that's all conjecture.
The only problem I had with this poem was that it didn't actually tell you "How to become a friend." And at the end it basically says, just be a Christian and only befriend Christians. What I learned when I was a Christian was that that is not real friendship. And that's why I became an Atheist (not trying to preach).

358 Words
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Review of Blessed by Stress  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Compared to my younger life, stress isn't even an issues anymore. I don't know what it is. Compared to my younger days, my life is worry-free. But this poem was still informative. I like the "Ev'ry" it makes it seem as if the poem was written during the industrial revolution, or slightly before. In order for the last line of the first stanza to work, you have to do one of three things. Either 1) put a comma after "Know," 2) take the "K" off, or 3) take the word out.

When I read the first and second lines of the second stanza, I couldn't help but thinking that you were talking about this year's presidential race. In the second stanza, I would've put "All gifts of mind are forever fell/all the dryness of throat goeth thirsting for well" There are two reasons for this. First off, you used "Ev'ry" twice in the first stanza, and now it's getting old. Second, back in the old days a fountain is something that rich people have in their gardens, or at expensive public places. The average "plebian" would get his water from a well. Obviously it wasn't until I read the end of the second stanza that I realized that this poem was in fact about this year and not the past, so "fount" might be more appropriate after all.

So were trying to nudge us toward Hillary Clinton in the third stanza or were you absolving Trump of his "sin"?

When I read "We to throne you would bring" in the fourth stanza, I actually thought it meant that they were asking the olive to help them find someone to bring to the throne, not that they were asking the olive to rule over them. That was my fault.

This would make an excellent children's book.

"All of our days" seemed like a platitude. I didn't like it, personally.

So the message is, forget politics! Get saved!
Expect nothing less from the best.

333 Words.
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