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328 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Death's World  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting tale. There are a variety of stories about Death as an entity. Your figure is one of them I have not encountered before. You have created an original Death figure. I am curious why the Head Death dude has it out for your protagonist. If he gets his way, will he cause her to die? That would be an interesting twist, Death dying. I saw no misspellings or typos. When you write the next part, please let me know. I would like to read it.


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2
2
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
What I suggest is if you read some article that is offensive, instead of continuing to read, trying to see exactly how offended you eventually become, stop reading it and move on. Yes, some stories offend. Some authors write with that goal in mind. However, I will not be the one that condemns them. I will stop reading and perhaps never return to that writer again.


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3
3
Review of The Storm  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A "The Dark Society Review!


For group members


Ah, a mystery within a mystery. Mystery 1: how did Amanda get aboard the ship? Mystery 2: The birth of her children. On mystery 2 we learn that will be told in another tale.
Mystery 1? Amanda is captain of a ship and has no idea how that came about. She seems somewhat unsuited to the task, losing the ship. Perhaps she entered a dream would where dreams become reality.
There have been many stories written along that theme. I do have a question. At the beginning of each sentence you have a ". Is there a reason behind that? One misspell. plummetting should be plummeting, only a single t.
Is this story the opening salvo of a longer tale? I see possibilities here for an in-depth tale. Let me add that this is the 4th story of yours that I have reviewed. I enjoy your tales, that is why I keep coming back to your portfolio.
Keep on writing,
John



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4
4
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A "The Dark Society Review!


For group members


You have written an interesting interpretation of Lincoln's last moments. You have indeed told the tale from a different perspective. The tragic event has been told repeatedly to Americans. I could not have been more than six when I first learned of it and that first learning has been echoed a hundred times. I have heard it so much that with only the barest hint, I know the entire event. You however presented it in a fashion that makes it like I am hearing it anew. The fact You hand no misspellings and typos made it easy to follow.

Keep writing,
John


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5
5
Review of The Monster  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society*Devil*



For group members



Hi, Abby.
Let me say what a delightful story! The Monster is the perfect beast for this time of year. You blend the spirit of Christmas with a little bit of demon thrown in in perfect proportion.
Your, 'Card Monster' was a pleasure to read. It is too late for me to do it this Christmas, all my cards are already posted, but next year I'll get the grandkids around and read your story to
them as we write out our yule tide greetings.
A Merry Christmas to you.
Keep writing,
John


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6
6
Review of Thief  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society*Devil*


For group members


Hi, Abby. I have selected your tale Thief to review. I enjoyed the story. I did not see any typos or misspellings. That is the first step in writing a good story. The thief may have pushed his luck just a little too far in his encounter with the leprechaun. Of course, if he survived the encounter with the piano, he should have all the wealth he will ever need to have everything he will ever want. Now while surviving a close encounter with a piano is a tricky thing to do, the fact he tells the tale is an indication he made it. You tale is imaginative and interesting. I hope to read others like it.
Keep writing,
John


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7
7
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society*Devil*


For group members


Hi, Abby Gayle
I came across this story you wrote and found it interesting enough to review. There are some observations I would like to make. Sally seems to be a little absent minded. She is always forgetting something.
At one point she asks what time it is. When told the time, she gets all exited and runs out the door, bumping into a person she claims is her twin brother. The reader is not told how she has this knowledge.
From reading this, I think these two have not seen each other for a long time, perhaps even being separated at birth. Now instead of going somewhere and discovering what had happened to each other in the time apart, Sally
simply writes her address on a piece of paper and tells Tomas to drop by sometime, she is late for work. Is Sally a brain surgeon and must hurry to the O.R. to perform emergency surgery? Perhaps she is a scientist at NASA
and the Space Station is falling out of orbit and she must find a way to save it. Whatever her profession is, it must really be important for her to just push aside a chance meeting with her long lost brother.
You may consider a rewrite with the following objectives: Explain how Sally realizes she has just met her brother. Either come up with some 'Sally to the rescue' plot to explain why she cannot stay, or more
probably, have her and Tomas discuss their lives and what they have been doing.
If you do edit this story, please inform me and I will gladly reread.
Thanks,
John



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8
8
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A "The Dark Society Review!


For group members


From ten to zero in only twenty lines. That is some fast elimination. Each reduction in number made sense. Out of the ten, I guess number seven did okay, but the rest have problems.
You show imagination and creativity with this piece.
Keep on writing,
John


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9
9
Review of The Triangle  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)






*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society*Devil*


For group members



This is my review of The Triangle
A tale with a happy ending. All the time on the news I see people getting away with all sorts of villainous deeds. It is about time the tables were turned.
Let me say the ending of your short tale came as a surprise. There were less than a thousand words in the story, but still you managed to build suspense.
What I am most pleased with is that everything worked out exactly as planned.



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10
10
Review of Penance  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Devil* A review from "The Dark Society*Devil*



For group members

Hi Jeff.
I have chosen your work, Penance to review. As with all your tales, this one was error free, with no typos or misspellings. Your opening paragraph captured my attention. My thoughts at this start was the lady was setting him up. She would turn out to be a vampire or a serial killer that would lead that drunk to his doom. I was partially correct. She is indeed a serial killer, but not in the way I imagined.
She suffers from the mistake she made. I will not divulge that error so those who have not yet had the pleasure of reading it will not have it spoiled.
People make errors all the time and in someway or fashion they are atoned for. The protagonist's particular hell is that others have to pay the price.


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11
11
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked what I read. Many people do not realize it, but animals have souls also. I have always believed, but have no way what so ever to prove it, that when animals die, they are reborn. They have reincarnation. That does not apply to humans. We get our one shot an move on. I think that is how instinct works. Take a lion for example. A lion lives it life, going around and doing all the stuff lions do. The day comes when it dies. Soon after it is reborn. It has all the memories of its past life and goes thru its life again. Hit the repeat button each life cycle.
I saws no typos, everything was spelled correctly, and your poem made a clear point. Soon he will come back and have another shot at it.


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12
12
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can feel the spirit of Christmas as I read your piece. It is 100 degrees just the other side of my window, but I felt a split second of yuletide coolness. You captured the spirit of the season with family and friends coming together to celebrate. You brought a moment of piece to us in this ever increasing time of woe.


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13
13
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
by furthering my education I can also aspire to do great things.

Only suggestion I can come up with is concerns this last line.
By furthering her education she has a better chance of accomplishing great things, but she can aspire great things with or without the degree.

Perhaps something along the line of:... when I receive my degree, I can accomplish great things not only for me and my family, but hopefully for humanity.


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14
14
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Novel Workshop Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
56 The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings Jeff is Kylo Ren

I am reviewing "Kenna Kitada - Chapter 1 today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition..
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 27 !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red



P33 Kenna locks up and heads to the gray Ford Explorer.

To this point everything is past tense. This is present tense.

P54 Kenna locks up and heads to the gray Ford Explorer.

present tense


P56 Mrs. Ingersoll seems to consider Kenna’s words.

present tense


Your first chapter gives the reader a vivid description of Kenna Kitada. Besides her physical beauty, the reader learns she is athletic, and a private investigator. Kenna has a sense of right and wrong and also high professional standards. She teaches the bully surfer a lesson, and in business, will not lower her code of ethics.

The first sentence gave me a good first impression. Kenna strives to be good at what she does, going to the ocean early to get in an extra hour of practice. Right there I can tell she is not the type of lady that will settle for second best.

The tale progresses in a seemly order, one section leading into the next and each one giving a little more insight into Kenna. By the end of the chapter, I believe I have a basic understanding of her. I think in a battle, I would want her on my side.
I was delighted to discover that Sunset Cliffs is a real place, and not one created for the story. You describe it well enough that I would not mind seeing it myself someday.

This chapter primarily focuses on Kenna. I discovered her hobby, her business, got a small tour of her home and office, and a good look into her personality. I am unable to tell if the others mentioned will play a role further along in the tale. You mentioned Abe, the dentist she shares the duplex with, and spend a few sentences on the interaction between Kenna and her client, Mrs. Ingersoll. Also, you used a significant section of the chapter discussing the newbie surfer. Kenna comes to his aide and of course he makes a light pass at her. I think this part of the chapter is written to show more detail into Kenna, but I guess it might be possible the newbie may come into play later. I will have to read the rest of your novel to see if this is so or not.

You are a good writer, using correct punctuation and spelling. You vary the length of sentences, avoiding the hypnotic like affect same size sentences can give. You give life to your character and color to her life.

I found this an entertaining and exciting opening to a book I would enjoy reading. I hope that soon I will get that pleasure.

Happy writing,
John

 
STATIC
The Novel Workshop   (E)
Writing a Novel? Looking for solid feedback from other novelists? This is the place!
#2088228 by Carol St. Ann



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15
15
Review of The Rescue  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of Rescue

Let me say that anything I suggest is only that, a suggestion. If I suggest something you like, please use it. Toss the rest.

P2 He turned the toothpick that was hanging

drop 'that was'. That changes the sentence from passive to active

P5 "We'll see who's walkin' through the valley of death tomorra, Deppity." Bart muttered as the officer sauntered out the front door to roll a blanket.

When quoting a speaker in your story, the sentence is not actually over until the speaker is named. The part you have in the quotations (" ") is a complete sentence, but it is inside a larger sentence. You place a comma after the part in quotations and wait until the end to use a single period. I would write the above sentence like this:

"We'll see who's walkin' through the valley of death tomorra, Deppity," Bart muttered as the officer sauntered out the front door to roll a blanket.

The only change is a period to a comma, but it is an important difference. Do that with all quotes followed by the identity of the speaker.

Exception: If the speaker is asking a question, place the ? at the end of the speaker's sentence.

In you story use lots of western slang. Lots. At a couple of points it gets confusing.
The 1st place: P11 Mack grunted as he hog-tied the deputy with a gut line,
Now in P14: Bart watched the officer's face pale. His hands flew up in terror.
Now the deputies hands are raised. At one point his is tied and a couple of sentences later he is raising his hands. Now does 'hog-tied' mean the deputy was punched in the stomach instead of actually being tied up? If that is the case, you may want to word it differently. If the deputy was tied, you need to explain how he raises his hands.

P15 I ain't beyond jimmying a bull

I have no idea what you mean here.

P18 "Just lather 'em up a bit and tie 'em

Does this mean 'beat him up?' May want to make clearer.

P23 "Sure, boss!"

capitalize 'boss'


P25 "I hearn ya the first time, boss."

In this case, 'boss' is a title and should be capitalized.

P32 Bart swung a leg over her back and settled himself in for a long ride.

Was Shirley already saddled?

P33 "I'll allers come fer ya

I figured out 'allers' means 'always' but you may want to make it sound and spell a little bit closer to 'always'.

P34 "There's no greater love that that of a

than

I see your story centers on Bart's fondness for his horse. During the old west days, many times a horse was the only thing of values many cowboys owned. It was their most trustworthy partner.

You may find it of interest that John Wayne, the legendary star of many westerns hated horses. He called them dumb beasts. I guess him and Bart would not get along.

Happy writing,
John


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16
16
Review of Big Dipper  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of Big Dipper

This is an interesting tale in poetic fashion.
You tell your tale from pre-birth to 17, and do it by comparing freckles on skin to the stars in the sky. Poetic imagery at its finest.
I see you as a young child, drawn close to mother because of your dangerous birth. I find it sad the mother in your story became addicted to drugs. If this part is fiction, placed in the poem to make the reader feel emotion, it worked. If this is a real life event, do not give up on Mom. She did not give up on you during your earliest days. There is help out there. Many churches offer drug counseling and help.
I did not see any typos or misspelling in your work. It was a joy to read.


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17
17
Review of The Justicar  
Review by John Nation
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
House Florent Image for G.o.T. "Game of Thrones

Hi, Tara. Anything I suggest to you is only that, a suggestion. Only you can change your work. If is suggest something you like, use it. Toss the rest.


fist in the pavement.

This was in the 4th line. I am trying to visualize the scene you describe. I see Justicar in front of Cold, eying him, kneeled down, ready to pounce. If her fist is in the pavement, if she did, that would hold her back. I believe 'on the pavement' might work better.

she unbuckled her helmet and let it fall

In this sentence, it sounds as if she dropped her helmet.

She adjusted her helmet,

In this sentence, she has the helmet on and is adjusting it. One conflicts with the other. You may consider adding a line where she retrieves the helmet.

Justicar dropped off the ledge

Justicar dropped out of the sky

Here you have basically the same two sentences. I would suggest you change one to avoid redundancy.

“Murder, Commissioner. This piece of s*** killed my sister. I don’t know how he found out about her, but he did.”

There is nothing incorrect about this sentence as far as spelling and structure. Where I have a problem is even though it appears Justicar is a well known superhero, the District Attorney will still need a body to prosecute the case. If they get the corpse of the original Justicar, it will at once be discovered it is male. That would blow the entire case and also let all the civilians in on Justicar's secret identity, if he had one. You will need to find away around this. Perhaps one way would be to have the new Justicar convince Commander Cold prison will be the safest place for him. If he does not confess and avoid a trial, the new Justicar will make his death slow and painful.

You last section needs some work. The reader has to make a lot of assumptions while reading it.

“Dammit, you just don’t get it, Sis.”

Okay, someone is talking to I must assume, the female version of Justicar. This someone calls her 'Sis'. Now I wonder is this the male Justicar that was supposedly killed by Commander Cold or is it yet another brother?

Broski.

Is this her play on the word 'brother' or is it a name?

If your are writing this as the opening chapter of a story based on the superhero 'Justicar', you are off to a fair start. You introduced the hero, a villain, a high ranking police officer to work with Justicar, and hinted slightly at her life when not in costume. If you add on the the tale, let me know and I will review the addition.

Happy writing,
John





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18
18
Review of FEAR  
Review by John Nation
Rated: E | (2.5)
House Florent Image for G.o.T.

Hi, Founts.
I came across your story and thought I would look it over. I read thru it and have a basic understanding of this fear. You need to do some work and clean it up to make it both a more enjoyable read and easier to understand. For the most part, you have long sentences. Many of these sentences are close in length. You should vary sentence length.
Somehow you keep getting the symbol  to show in the tale. Go back and delete all of them. found myself stood on a deserted Don't need 'stood'.
Let me suggest you go thru the story line by line. Read each out loud to get a feel of what it sounds like. There are many of them you can improve on. One way is to remove the word 'that' when it is not needed.
Let me say the section about the police officer is his idea of a joke. He sees this person on the streets and hints about an ax man wondering around. It may have been his way of hurrying you home.



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19
19
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



A good tale. I like what you have written. I did not see any typos or any misspellings. I already see Edgar in the work force. He filled out the application, passed the interview and was hired right away. Tomorrow he starts training as the assistant manager at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Happy writing,
John

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20
20
Review of Rough Justice  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Is this the opening for a longer tale? What you have written captured my attention and left me wanting more. I guess that is the aim of a good storyteller and you achieved it. I did not see any typos or any misspelled words. I do have one question. You give a short, one sentence explanation of what the tale is about: rough justice - treatment that is not scrupulously fair or in accordance with the law.
I do not see where what the DA is doing is not in accordance with the law. That is what gives me hope you will soon add to this. If you do, please send me a note letting me know and I will happily read what you add.

Happy writing,
John


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21
21
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



This is definitely a case where mom knows best. I did not see any typos or any spelling errors. You have written the start of what could be a exciting tale. As a reader, I'm curious about what the lady in shades and her two thugs have planned. Is it only girls being abducted or are boys also vanishing? Once taken, what happens to them? I am getting a feel for Susie. A young girl that has led a sheltered life. The idea that something bad could happen to her is foreign. You have captured my attention. When you add to the tale, I will gladly read to find out what happens next.

Happy writing,
John



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22
22
Review of YEMX  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Semper Fi!!

You sound as if you might be a fellow Marine. I was in from 1973 to 1977. I made the rank of sergeant in just a little over two years. It was not super hard back then like it is now to advance. This was after the major battles in Vietnam had died down, and many of the Marines at the time were draftees and others disillusioned from the havoc and the only thing on their mind was getting out. As the ranks thinned, the vacuum left vacancies the Corps was in a hurry to fill. I participated in Operation Eagle Pull, the evacuation of Saigon, (now Ho Chi Minh City) in 1975 and was on the next to last chopper to leave. I have conflicting emotions about the Corps. I saw the heights of honor and the dregs of humanity. All in all, I was glad I joined and honor the title "Marine".
I saw no typos.

Welcome to WdC

Happy writing,
John

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23
23
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*




Hi, prohtpiz. Let me start by saying anything I suggest is only that, a suggestion. Only you can change your tale. If I suggest something you like, please use it. Toss the rest.
Items highlighted in red are words you wrote. Items highlighted in blue you also wrote, but that is the area I make a suggestion.

A tale of genies under control. They must have fits with that. You have several descriptions of them. My favorite is the one of Barbra Eden. Did I ever dream of genie! I noticed one type of genie you did not have. How about a lamp that is rubbed, erupting smoke from the spout that turns into a genie?
These genies all sound as if they come from the same place as the genies in the movie series, Wishmaster.

P1 What else could he be.

Needs a question mark instead of a period.

P6 "Hi Bong"

comma after 'Bong'.

P11 "How's it going Bong"

comma after 'going'

P16 "As you wish," I thought to myself,

When you think, it is understood to be to yourself. Unless you were at a psychic convention, there is no one else to think to. Drop "to myself"

P16 Damnit.

Damn it

P21 "Mark? It seems Bong here is looking or a new master,"

Do not need 'here' 'for' instead of 'or'

P22 I noticed that Mark

do not need 'that'

Lets hope the devices that keep the genies in check never have a power failure.

Happy writing,
John


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24
24
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*



Ah, the case of the vanishing B. Good mystery. I find the most mysterious part is how did B. get past you to the boy without you seeing him? I cannot let my wife see this or she might decide to take me to the Stora Sjofallet National Park. I did not see any typos or misspellings.

Happy writing
John


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25
25
Review of Drastic Measures  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with The Dark Society  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WdC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon! *BalloonR*

You write some good financial plans that others would do well to emulate. Selling off the unneeded items was a good place to start. If your wages only went to pay for a caretaker for Cindy, then leaving your job to stay home would make sense. It would save money in the long run. Getting rid of the gas guzzler was also wise. I applaud your refinancing to home fit a single income. to So many people live beyond their means and keep going by transferring bills from one credit card to the next. That reaches a point where it all tumbles down.
There is one thing I question. Tim spanks you. If I ever suggested such a thing to my wife, when I regained consciousness, if I regained consciousness, she would explain to me the error of my ways. I guess each family has their own rules and I will not judge them.
Have a few typos you may want to correct.

P1 Our daughter Cindy was embarrassed

comma after daughter and another after Cindy.

P9 I had felt sorry for TIm

Change the capital I in 'TIm' to lower case.

P11 In due time we had eased into

You could drop 'had'.

P11 Cindy was each family meeting soon other issues were addressed

Not sure what you are saying here. I think it might me Cindy started participating in family meeting and you began to address issues other than financial. If so:
Cindy attended each family meeting. Now that we were getting control of our finances, we began to address other issues.

P12 Since Time was the head
Tim instead of Time

P12 blamed by others who found out as being chauvinist

Need to rewrite.

P13 Time liked seeing

Tim

P15 Tim reluctantly agreed it would be easier to spank me by raising my skirt than dropping my pants.

I need to let you know there are certain people that will have a fit when they read this. Expect all sorts of flac. Of course, it might be you wrote this for that exact puropose.

P16 Once Time had left for work

Tim drop 'had'

P16 But I might not we have a no excuse

confusing, rewrite.

P18 How many spanks I would receive for each

Playing with dynamite here.

P18 At my request Tim made a paddle to hang in every room

I have come to the opinion you are writing this in an attempt to cause a stir. You will discover most of the writers here are above falling for such an open trap.

P19 receive little to nothing in return

You may consider, 'received next to nothing in return.'

I congratulate you, Tim, and Cindy for freeing yourselves from the financial burdens. I have serious questions about the paddle system.

Happy writing,
John


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